Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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We're Mike and Gayle Tucker
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from Faith For Today television,
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the co-host of
Lifestyle Magazine,
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and Mad About Marriage.
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Now we have been talking
about advice for couples,
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and we've started off
with scriptural basis,
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and then we went
through some of the mottos
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that successful
couples have shared with us.
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And now we wanted to
enter a new phase here,
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we're leaving the mottos behind,
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we're going to
do something else.
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We're adding
children to the mix.
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Oh, wow!
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Marriage is hard
enough without kids,
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but when kids
come, some people think,
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"With the children,
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we'll just make it
all the much better,
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you know, making
our lives easier."
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Oh, yeah, we're looking for
the blessed event, you know.
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Yes, and that is
true, it is a blessed event.
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It is.
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But that is when
things get complicated.
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It is.
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As soon as kids are born,
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everything is a
little bit more difficult,
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it's a little more involved,
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it's just more complicated.
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Well, after that, the
fact that parenting is by far
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the most guilt-producing
activity of my life.
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Hmm.
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I've never done
anything that's made me
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feel guiltier than parenting
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because you never feel
like you've done enough.
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And when you do make a mistake,
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those mistakes just stand
out in your mind like crazy
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and you're afraid the child's
gonna spend their life in
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and therapy
recovering from you, you know.
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And so it is guilt-producing.
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By the way,
there's a cavy after that,
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grand parenting,
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as you and I both
know, is guilt-free.
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And it's awesome.
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I love grand parenting.
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Well, we have
two grand children,
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and they are the best.
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They are the best.
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But parenting
adds stress to you.
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It does add stress.
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Well, let's think about it.
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Life is more complicated
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because now you have
different time constraints
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where as,
before maybe, you know,
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you could be kind of foot loose,
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you could just pick up
and go when you wanted to,
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"Let's just go for the
weekend and do something."
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Now your time is much
more, it's more involved.
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Yeah.
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Well, it takes
an act of congress
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to get kids in the
car to go some place,
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or heaven forbid,
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you put them on an airplane.
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You know, all the
paraffin and now you,
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you have to take
and all the planning
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has to go into the--
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That's the other thing,
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the logistics are
much more difficult
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because you've
got all the equipment
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that you have to carry
along when they're little.
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And when they're bigger,
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there are still a
lot of logistical things
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because then you're worried
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about who's
getting him to school,
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who's getting lunches ready,
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who's taking
them to piano lessons,
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or soccer practice,
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or whatever they're involved in.
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So you've got all those things,
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and all of the home work,
and the school activities,
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and all of that to deal with.
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Energy, energy
really is at a premium.
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You've seen the faces
of the mothers of toddlers?
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How, that tired
look in their eyes?
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They've earned that.
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They have earned it.
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I remember, well, I
still feel this way,
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I got tired the minute
our first daughter was born.
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Mm-hmm.
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And I've never recovered. Yeah.
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She's an adult. Yes.
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I'm still more tired.
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And, I mean, that's
really, literally true.
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There's just a
tiredness and exhaustion
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that goes along with it
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because you're always
dealing with, you know,
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the things of life for them.
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You have to take care of
them and you worry about them
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and all of those things.
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Um, I think
money is another thing
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that changes when
the kids are born.
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Children are just
incredibly expensive.
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There was a time in this country
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when we were an agrarian society
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when children were
actually a financial asset.
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Because, if you
had more children,
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you could farm more land,
and that produced more income.
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But without being
in an agrarian society,
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children are no longer an asset,
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they are a huge liability,
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and that again that sounds
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an ugly way to describe
children but financially--
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Just financially.
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Financially,
they're a liability.
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The amount of money it
takes to raise a child,
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to keep a child healthy,
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to provide health
insurance and health care,
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and then
education for the child.
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And clothe the
child, feed the kid, I mean,
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on and on it goes,
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the expenses are
just off the chart.
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So things are more
complicated with kids.
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But really, I think,
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what really is
important in marriage is that
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when children come
along, they increase conflict.
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Yeah.
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Now we, it
shouldn't be that way.
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But it is.
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But it is in most families
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and at least the
potential for conflict is there.
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And there are a lot
of reasons for that.
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One of them is that
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we have different
backgrounds as a couple,
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you know, you come
from one kind of upbringing,
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and I come from another.
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And when we look at
things in terms of children,
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we each have our ideas about
how they ought to be raised.
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We have our own traditions,
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you know, in our family we
always did whatever it was.
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And when we had holidays
in our family, we did this.
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And that might be very different
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from what your family did.
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So there--
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Or different means of
disciplining the children.
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This is how we
did it in our family,
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this worked for me.
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But you're doing something
different, I don't like that,
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or maybe my rules are
more stringent than yours.
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I'm more conservative than you.
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Or you more than me.
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That increases the conflict now.
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It does, and that
can be in terms of just
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what you think is the
right way to raise a child.
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Should it be strict, or
should it be more lenient?
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Or it can also be in
terms of what you believe
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is morally right or wrong.
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Right.
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And when you get to that level,
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then you really
have something going on
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because I think that
you're actually wrong,
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I think your way is sinful.
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Yes. Compared to my way.
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So there's a
potential there for conflict.
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And if you, if you
put the sin label on it,
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then how do you
back down from that?
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Exactly.
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How do you say, "Well,
all right, it is okay for me
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to compromise with sin
in this particular area"?
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Yeah, that's right.
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We have to be
very careful about that
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which we label
morally right or wrong.
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Exactly.
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And make sure we stay
with scripture on that
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because otherwise
we, we start to get into,
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we'd be kind of
entirely inflexible.
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Yeah, we have to
realize that really most things
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are more a matter of
opinion or, you know--
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Or preference.
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Preference, and, you
know, there are certain things
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that are more moral issues.
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There absolutely are,
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and there's no
compromise on those.
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That's right.
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We just cannot for
the sake of our children,
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for the sake of our God.
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So we have
potential for conflict there.
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We also have potential
for conflict with in-laws.
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Mm-hmm.
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Because, you know,
now grandma and grandpa,
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oh, they want to have
their hands on the baby
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and you want them to,
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and you want them
to be a part of things,
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but are they interfering,
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you know, do they think maybe
you're not doing things right.
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Do they lecture
you over this? Uh-huh.
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Or do they, do they
refuse to follow the rules
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that you have for the children
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when the children are with them,
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you know?
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So you've got the in-law thing.
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I knew one family
that said, you know,
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"We lived close to my parents
until our children were born,
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and they interfered
so much in our parenting,
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and not only did
they interfere in
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what we did as
far as discipline,
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but they wanted the
children all the time."
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I mean, like,
"You guys go, you know,
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have some time
together, we want the children."
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They said, "We really,
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seriously
considered moving away."
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Right.
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"Because it was
such an interference."
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So there was a
problem there, you know,
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also the strain on the budget
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is also a
possibility for conflict.
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It's real.
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And again, money is
the number one reason
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why couples fight.
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You put children in the
mix, money gets tighter,
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and then the fights
are more likely to come.
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And then when you have families
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where there might happen
to be a special needs child,
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that's even more stressful.
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A lot more stress is on it
because the logistics gets so,
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so difficult, and the child
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is more likely
to have illnesses,
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or certainly special
care, and is more expensive.
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Just the
stresses are just great.
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Added to that the
fact that very often
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there's an
accompanying sense of guilt
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over a special needs child
that's not need to be there
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but it's a normal thing
for people to experience.
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And it just
further complicates things.
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So, you know, we're
painting a pretty bleak picture
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of having children.
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Yeah, it makes you not
able to want to have one,
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you know, there's--
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But, if you're married,
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you know that
all of these things
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are potentially there for you.
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Yes.
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That they are the complications
of having children.
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What we want to do today
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is talk a little bit about
how to handle those things.
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Absolutely.
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Because children in the,
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in the end result are great joy.
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Oh, they are a
wonderful blessing.
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We've raised two daughters,
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I cannot imagine life
without our children and now,
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our grandchildren.
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Such a joy they've been to us
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and such a benefit
to our lives overall.
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They've enriched us,
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and enriched our
experience together as well
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because we grew
through the challenges,
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and now, we have a
ritual relationship
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because of it.
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So you have to learn how
to be married first of all,
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and then you have to learn
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how to be married with children.
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With children.
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So what's the first thing to do?
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What are some basic
principles that can keep it
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strong as
parents and as a couple?
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The place you start, I
think, besides the fact that,
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and again as
Christians we would say
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we're always
gonna start with prayer,
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we're always gonna start
with Jesus is the center,
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and so I think that
that's assumed I hope it is.
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But other than that, we
start with our relationship.
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Mm-hmm.
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We make sure that
you and I stay strong
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that we carve out
time for ourselves.
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A couple should not
feel guilty overtaking time
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from the children to
spend with each other
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so that they keep
their relationship strong
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because children will find their
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greatest sense of security,
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and the love that mom
and dad have for each other,
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and the commitment that
they exhibit to one another.
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That's right.
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They're
benefiting their children
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by spending their time together.
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I talked to one
young couple who said,
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"Well, we haven't
had a date in two years."
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"In two years?"
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"Yes, our child was
born two years ago."
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Yeah.
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And so they felt like, you know,
00:10:22.92\00:10:24.55
they had so much busyness.
00:10:24.59\00:10:26.25
They had to work,
00:10:26.29\00:10:27.62
they had so many things
that they couldn't actually
00:10:27.66\00:10:29.46
take any time away
from their child for a date.
00:10:29.49\00:10:32.59
Yeah.
00:10:32.63\00:10:33.96
And there is just this
exhaustion in their eyes.
00:10:34.00\00:10:36.90
So it was really important,
00:10:36.93\00:10:38.27
it is really
important for people to say
00:10:38.30\00:10:40.70
we're gonna keep
our relationship strong,
00:10:40.74\00:10:42.37
we're gonna still do
special things together.
00:10:42.40\00:10:44.67
And obviously,
special care has to be given
00:10:44.71\00:10:47.01
to who the children are
left with when you do this.
00:10:47.04\00:10:49.21
Yeah.
00:10:49.24\00:10:50.58
But, but it should not
prevent you from doing it.
00:10:50.61\00:10:54.15
It's important to take
their time for each other.
00:10:54.18\00:10:56.99
Um, I think that
the next thing to do
00:10:57.02\00:10:59.45
is to remember and rehearse
00:10:59.49\00:11:03.06
what a gift your
children are to you.
00:11:03.09\00:11:04.79
Yeah, 'cause it's easy
to forget that if you don't.
00:11:04.83\00:11:07.36
Because the
stresses are so great.
00:11:07.40\00:11:08.90
There are
stresses, and you're tired.
00:11:08.93\00:11:10.80
Mm-hmm.
00:11:10.83\00:11:12.17
But to just remember,
these children are such a gift.
00:11:12.20\00:11:15.40
There is so much potential
00:11:15.44\00:11:17.41
that lies in your
hands with your children.
00:11:17.44\00:11:19.94
You know, this was a lot
easier for you and I to remember
00:11:19.97\00:11:22.74
when our
grandchildren were born.
00:11:22.78\00:11:25.61
When the children were born,
00:11:25.65\00:11:26.98
there was this
sense of responsibility,
00:11:27.02\00:11:29.68
and this urgency
to do things right.
00:11:29.72\00:11:33.09
We wanted to
raise Godly children,
00:11:33.12\00:11:34.96
healthy children,
psychologically healthy
00:11:34.99\00:11:37.63
and spiritually
healthy children,
00:11:37.66\00:11:38.99
that's what we wanted.
00:11:39.03\00:11:40.36
We wanted to keep them safe
00:11:40.40\00:11:41.73
and so we were
focused on those things.
00:11:41.76\00:11:43.10
Mm-hmm.
00:11:43.13\00:11:44.47
As grand parents
you're a little more relaxed,
00:11:44.50\00:11:45.83
it's like, "Yeah, I
didn't know how to do that,
00:11:45.87\00:11:48.60
but now I want to
enjoy the blessings
00:11:48.64\00:11:50.07
of this wonderful child."
00:11:50.11\00:11:51.44
Yeah.
00:11:51.47\00:11:52.81
There's an amazing
thing that happened
00:11:52.84\00:11:54.31
when our first
grand child was born.
00:11:54.34\00:11:56.11
It was like the moment I held
her in my hands, in my arms,
00:11:56.14\00:12:01.55
I could see the
potential of who she could be.
00:12:01.58\00:12:04.65
Right.
00:12:04.69\00:12:06.02
And it was, there was this bond,
00:12:06.05\00:12:07.96
and that was just immediate.
00:12:07.99\00:12:09.82
And I felt a bond
with my own children
00:12:09.86\00:12:12.33
when they were born,
00:12:12.36\00:12:13.70
but I don't think I realized
00:12:13.73\00:12:15.56
really the gift
that I was holding.
00:12:15.60\00:12:16.97
Right.
00:12:17.00\00:12:18.33
And you do more
as a grand parent
00:12:18.37\00:12:19.70
because now you've
watched your children grow up,
00:12:19.73\00:12:21.57
and they are
this fantastic gift,
00:12:21.60\00:12:23.67
they are such a wonderful thing.
00:12:23.71\00:12:25.64
And I thought, "Ah!
00:12:25.67\00:12:27.01
You know, here's
another generation."
00:12:27.04\00:12:28.38
Yeah, and I think another thing
00:12:28.41\00:12:30.65
we have to do
then is to make a plan.
00:12:30.68\00:12:33.15
We make a plan for how
we're going to do this.
00:12:33.18\00:12:35.12
We start with the end in mind,
00:12:35.15\00:12:37.19
what is it that we want
to produce with this child,
00:12:37.22\00:12:40.36
what kind of a,
00:12:40.39\00:12:42.49
an adult does
this child need to be,
00:12:42.52\00:12:44.59
and now what do we do to
get from point A to point B.
00:12:44.63\00:12:47.60
What is the in game,
and if you start with that,
00:12:47.63\00:12:49.90
it helps.
00:12:49.93\00:12:51.27
I think it does because
often parenting seems to happen
00:12:51.30\00:12:54.14
by accident or
emergency, you know.
00:12:54.17\00:12:57.54
I'm just, I'm just trying
to make it through the day.
00:12:57.57\00:12:59.87
Yeah.
00:12:59.91\00:13:01.24
And when we
approach it that way,
00:13:01.28\00:13:03.35
it will overwhelm us.
00:13:03.38\00:13:04.78
Survival mode is a
prescription for disaster.
00:13:04.81\00:13:07.92
And then we take
it out on each other.
00:13:07.95\00:13:09.85
Because we're like,
00:13:09.88\00:13:11.22
"I can't believe
I'm in this situation,
00:13:11.25\00:13:13.29
it's so difficult."
00:13:13.32\00:13:14.79
Well, we've got
some more advice,
00:13:14.82\00:13:16.16
and some more help coming up,
00:13:16.19\00:13:17.53
but we're gonna
take a break right now,
00:13:17.56\00:13:18.89
and we'll be
right back after this.
00:13:18.93\00:13:20.53