Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000085B
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00:01 Welcome back.
00:02 We've been talking about mottos 00:04 that successful couples have shared with us over Facebook. 00:08 Those mottos have fallen into three different categories, 00:11 as we've gone through. 00:12 First of all it was about what? 00:14 Choosing. Choosing. 00:15 So, it's making a choice for your marriage, 00:17 and there are lot of choices we can make that are positive. 00:19 The second group of mottoes 00:21 we talked about were on connecting. 00:22 Yes, to connect. 00:24 And this last group has been about communicating. 00:26 Yes, and we have one here that I think really 00:31 is one of the best communication things 00:32 I've ever heard. 00:34 Okay. It comes from Jerry and Kathy. 00:36 And their motto is this. 00:37 "Be the first person to tell the other 00:40 that they are the most loved person 00:41 in the world today." 00:43 That's not bad, if you're going to have a competition. 00:45 That's a good competition to have, you know. 00:47 And another one that came in was "I love you more." 00:51 So, it's basically the same idea you know, 00:53 we're going to be in competition here. 00:55 But the competition is the competition of love. 00:58 Of love. To love 100 percent. 01:00 I go back to scripture with the Apostle Paul 01:02 telling us to outdo one another in love. 01:05 You know, so-- 01:07 We like to be competitive, 01:08 but if you're going to be competitive. 01:09 That's a good thing to be competitive about, is it not? 01:11 That's the area. 01:13 And what a contrast 01:14 to what we're talking about earlier 01:16 holding a record of wrongs, 01:18 and the competition would be to see 01:19 who can control the most by holding that record. 01:22 I'm gonna hold this over your head, 01:23 so I can make you do what I want you to do. 01:25 Which is a wonderful way for you to live, is it not? 01:27 After all, I remember back in 1957-- 01:30 Yeah. 01:31 You know, 1999 or you know, I mean-- 01:35 It was a June, I remember. 01:36 Yeah, and people have the feeling 01:39 I will never live this down. 01:42 Am I going to have to hear this over and over and over. 01:44 You know, so that record of wrongs but instead, 01:48 we're gonna go to a competition in the other direction. 01:51 A much better competition. 01:52 I love you more. 01:54 Oh, no, I love you more. 01:55 Oh, no. Isn't that great? 01:56 You know, and to be the first one 01:58 to say that in the morning when you wake up. 01:59 Now, you know, I'm a slow waker 02:01 and so, you may beat me on this a lot 02:04 because, you know, my brain really does not start 02:06 to function in the first few minutes. 02:08 No, we are blessed in one thing and that is that we, 02:10 neither of us is a morning person. 02:12 Yeah, yeah. 02:14 So, I mean, it's good if you're both morning people 02:16 or you're both night out. 02:17 Yeah. 02:19 But it would not be good 02:20 if you, if you were crossed over it. 02:21 It was Solomon, who said, 02:23 "A person who wake in the morning 02:24 with a loud voice." 02:26 That's right Yeah, I feel that way. 02:28 So, in our house, you know, 02:30 our, our morning greeting is usually just a touch 02:33 or something like that, is it not? 02:35 With the eyes still half way closed up. 02:38 None of that, but if we can be the first person of the day 02:43 to say, you know, "I love you." 02:46 And not only that, 02:47 but you are the most loved person in the world. 02:50 You know, can you imagine how Kathy feels 02:52 if Jerry says that to her in the morning. 02:54 There's something else here, and that is that research shows 02:56 that low arousal mode emotions tend to build on each other. 03:00 If you start the morning with a positive low arousal emotion 03:04 and then it's easy for it to build from there. 03:07 And so, you can have another 03:08 and it calls for another and another. 03:11 You start off the day positively, 03:13 and it begins to grow into mushroom. 03:15 Or you set the scene, you know, 03:17 here's what today is going to be a like, you know. 03:19 You know how you feel if something terrible happens 03:22 first thing in the morning. 03:23 You just feel like ugh, you know, well this day a shot. 03:26 Yeah. 03:27 But that's not true necessarily. 03:29 But if you, if something wonderful does happen, 03:32 first thing in the morning, 03:33 you set the scene for a good day. 03:36 And this is what this is saying, 03:37 today is going to be good between you and me. 03:40 The other thing this does is all right, 03:41 so we start our morning that way, 03:43 and then we have to leave for work. 03:46 And all day long, 03:47 that is the last thing on my mind 03:49 that has to do with how I wake in this morning, 03:52 and how we greeted one another, 03:54 and how that built before we left after breakfast. 03:56 It's right. 03:58 And it gives me a positive expectation 04:00 of what is going to be like when we come back together 04:02 rather than resenting it or dreading seeing you again. 04:06 I now have a positive expectation of this, 04:08 and so it makes the reunion that much sweeter. 04:11 It does. 04:12 Our relationships really are I think one of the strongest, 04:17 they have the strongest impact on our emotions for the day. 04:21 If the morning relationship is sour, 04:24 if there's something bad, it stays with you all day. 04:28 So, the reverse is also true. 04:30 If you make sure that, 04:31 that morning interaction is good. 04:34 Yeah. Then it stays with you as well. 04:36 Let me give you a little caveat to that. 04:37 We're talking about the value of relationships, 04:39 of positive relationships as far as building your day 04:42 but it's even bigger than that. 04:44 Harvard did a study on male longevity. 04:47 And they discovered 04:49 that one of the most critical factors in men 04:52 living a long time, 04:54 even eclipsing the value of diet and exercise, 04:57 as important as those are and they are key. 05:00 But even more important was the existence of meaningful, 05:04 deep relationships for men. 05:06 Men who had those tended to live longer. 05:09 Men who did not tended to live a shorter time 05:12 which is one of the reasons 05:13 why bachelors tend to have a shorter life span 05:16 than do married men? 05:18 You know, he may think she's killing him, 05:20 but she's actually toughening him up, 05:22 so that they can live longer I think. 05:24 That's right. 05:25 Well, you know, there was another study done in Finland 05:28 not long ago where they studied 1,400 people. 05:32 And they started this study when those people were aged 50. 05:36 And they kind of studied their well being, you know, 05:39 how life was going for them at that moment. 05:41 Then they came back to them 20 years later 05:43 and did a follow up study. 05:45 What they found was 05:47 that of that group those who were-- 05:50 that who became widowed or divorced 05:53 during those middle years, you know, 05:54 around the 50 age or 50 or 60 and then remained single. 05:59 Right. 06:00 Were much more likely to have Alzheimer's. 06:03 Really? 06:04 There was an elevated risk for Alzheimer's. 06:07 And it seemed to be, you know, 06:08 they've found that if you stay active, 06:10 and mentally active, 06:12 and physically active that, that-- 06:13 Socially active especially. 06:14 Socially active that that helps but even above, 06:17 the socially active and all of those things 06:19 had to do with having a partner. 06:21 And that partner in life and that positive interaction 06:24 between you and that person 06:26 made a difference even in your brain. 06:29 We have undervalued 06:32 the importance of deep meaningful relationships. 06:35 And God built us we need those, 06:37 and that's why He gave us marriage 06:39 as a key source for that kind of a relationship. 06:42 So, when you're in a marriage 06:43 where you're building one another up even better. 06:46 Yeah. 06:47 You know, when you're saying, 06:49 you are the most loved person in the world. 06:51 Right. I just want you to know that. 06:52 No one could possibly love you more than I do. 06:55 Well, we got another motto we need to get to. 06:58 We do, and I love this one. 07:01 This one came from Polly and Dick. 07:04 And Polly came up and talked to me one day 07:06 after a marriage seminar that we did. 07:08 And she said, "I'll tell you our motto for marriage." 07:12 It was. 07:13 And she, she was actually widowed at the time. 07:15 Widowed and still attended the marriage seminar. 07:17 Yes, she came to the marriage seminar she said, 07:18 here was our motto. 07:20 "Don't waste time fighting, you may have precious little. 07:24 Don't waste time fighting, you may have precious little." 07:27 And that, that's something that, you know, 07:29 it makes sense to all of us. 07:30 Oh, of course. 07:32 You know, don't waste time fighting, 07:33 it's not worth it, kind of a thing. 07:34 But she had a very specific story that went with it. 07:37 She said that she met Dick. 07:41 Well, let me back up. 07:42 When Dick her husband was 17 years old, 07:46 he was diagnosed with cancer. 07:49 And the doctors, It was very serious, 07:50 and the doctors told him 07:52 that he probably would not make it to age 25. 07:56 But Dick was a fighter, 07:57 and he had a really positive attitude about life, 08:00 and he was fighting his way through all the treatments 08:03 and everything else that he experienced 08:05 at that early age. 08:06 She met him when he was 26. 08:09 So he beat the life expectancy. 08:10 That's right, so he had, 08:12 had beat the doctor's prediction already. 08:15 And they just hit it off, they fell for each other, 08:18 they fell in love. 08:19 They wanted to get married 08:21 but he was very honest with her. 08:22 He said, "I have this disease, the doctors do not give me 08:26 any guarantees of life for any length of time." 08:30 And her response was, "I don't care how long we have 08:34 as long as we spend the time truly together." 08:38 And so they decided to get married. 08:40 And then their motto was, 08:43 "We will not waste time fighting 08:45 because we may have precious little." 08:48 We don't know how much time we have. 08:49 And so they said, 08:51 "We, we had to make this pact with each other, 08:53 that our time together was going to be positive. 08:56 You know, we might lose him tomorrow, you know, 08:59 or we might lose him years later, we didn't know. 09:02 And so, they said that, what they had to do 09:05 was put aside everything that didn't matter. 09:09 And they, they realize 09:11 that what mattered only came down to two things. 09:14 It was loving God and loving the people around them. 09:17 Right. It all came down to love. 09:19 They said, "We will love each other, 09:21 we won't let anything get in the way of that, 09:23 we will love the people around us, 09:25 our family and friends." 09:26 And they figured out that that was what mattered. 09:30 You know, you know, 09:32 that I spent quite a bit of time 09:34 as a hospice chaplain and a hospital chaplain. 09:38 And I've had the privilege of attending over 500 deaths, 09:42 and people say a privileged, but yeah, it is a privilege. 09:45 It is a privilege. 09:46 The secret moment. 09:47 It is and to help those people focus their lives 09:50 as they approach life's end. 09:52 And I discover something about people 09:54 who are focusing on life's end. 09:58 They tended to focus on the only things that mattered. 10:01 And actually the only things that seemed to matter to them 10:04 were these. 10:05 "Am I right with God?" 10:07 And then they may say, "I wish I had spent more time 10:10 with my family, can I make that right?" 10:13 And there was a third thing and that is, 10:14 "I wish I'd just taken more time 10:16 to smell the roses." 10:17 Just to enjoy the moment, you know, of life. 10:20 And really that's the same thing 10:22 that we just talked about with this couple where he had, 10:25 where Dick had cancer. 10:26 Is they were reduced 10:28 to that level of living early on. 10:32 As I talk to people about their lives 10:35 as they approach life's end. 10:37 And I realize how focused they get on life 10:40 on those things that matter. 10:42 It taught me a lesson. 10:44 And that is, if it's that important at life's end 10:46 to focus on those things. 10:48 Maybe it should be as important at every other stage of life, 10:53 life's beginning, life's middle, life's end 10:56 that we focus on the only things 10:58 that really matter. 10:59 Love for God, love for each other. 11:02 And then, enjoying the life that we have, 11:04 making it positive, 11:06 and enjoying that experience as we move on. 11:08 Absolutely. 11:09 You know, they knew that they didn't have time. 11:11 Right. 11:13 Or they might not have time, they didn't know and they said, 11:16 they were not going to spend it fighting. 11:18 Well, even then, you know, that there were times 11:21 that they didn't agree with each other, 11:23 that there were times of conflict 11:25 but they learned the lesson 11:26 that we talked about in another show, 11:28 and that is what John Gottman says 11:31 in his research that successful couples, 11:34 happily married couples, 11:38 they deal with conflict in tender gentle ways. 11:42 Yeah. 11:43 And so, Polly and Dick learned to do that. 11:45 You know, they had to deal with conflict. 11:47 But they were, they behaved as friends 11:50 and they dealt with their conflict 11:52 in gentle tender ways. 11:54 They cared about each other so that-- 11:57 Because of that, they were able not to waste any time. 12:00 And now the interesting thing was. 12:01 You know, I said "Well, how long did he live?" 12:04 And she said, "You know, he had his ups and downs physically. 12:07 There were times when he was just full of energy 12:10 and did great. 12:11 There were other times when he was back in treatment 12:13 and he had his ups and downs. 12:15 But he passed away when he was age 50." 12:18 Fifty, he outlived the doctor's expectation by 25 years. 12:22 He did. 12:24 And you know, when she told that story she just beamed. 12:26 She said, "We had, we had all that time together, 12:30 we had 24 years together that we spent, you know, 12:34 even when we thought there wouldn't be any. 12:36 And we did not allow any of it to be sour." 12:39 You know, all of us live with a limited life expectancy. 12:43 That's right. 12:44 It may be 70 years, 80 years. 90. 12:47 It may be 50 years or less, we don't know. 12:51 You can be-- 12:52 Or maybe a day. We don't know. That's right. 12:54 You can be in the pink of health 12:56 and have a car accident on the way home. 12:58 Those things happen. 13:00 The key is, I'm going to live today to the fullest. 13:03 And I'm not going to waste time fighting. 13:05 There's a book entitled, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", 13:08 and the subtitle is "By the Way it's all Small Stuff." 13:10 It's all small stuff. 13:12 And really at the end of life, when people look back, 13:14 all those things that seemed 13:16 so important to them at the time 13:18 are such small things that they don't really matter. 13:21 They don't. Nothing matters but Christ. 13:24 Nothing matters but our loving relationships here. 13:28 You matter, my children matter, 13:29 the people we've had contact with, 13:31 we've ministered to, our friends matter, 13:33 our extended family. 13:35 Not much else really makes much of a difference, does it? 13:37 It really doesn't matter at all. 13:38 No. 13:40 So, when we look at the things we talked about today. 13:41 You know to, to not hold a grudge. 13:44 Yeah. What a waste of time. 13:47 What a waste of that precious time, 13:49 not hold a grudge. 13:50 Let the other person know 13:52 that they're the most loved person in the world. 13:55 No one could ever love you more than I do, 13:57 and no one is loved more than you are. 13:59 And then don't waste any time. 14:02 We recommend this to you today, 14:03 because we want you to be happily in love forever. |
Revised 2016-04-11