Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000085A
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00:19 Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hands."
00:21 We are Mike and, Gayle Tucker 00:23 from Faith for Today television, 00:25 co-host of Lifestyle Magazine and Mad about Marriage. 00:28 And if you would like to watch those shows, 00:30 you can go to lifestyle.org or madaboutmarriage.com. 00:34 We have been talking today about mottos 00:38 that successful couples have shared with us on Facebook. 00:41 And we have been processing some of those. 00:43 It's good to learn from people who are successful. 00:46 It is, you know, we asked our Facebook friends to tell us 00:49 what makes their marriages work? 00:52 And they came up with some mottos and basically is that, 00:55 a thing that becomes a principle 00:57 that you can repeat over and over, 00:59 you kind of go back to it. 01:00 When you are having trouble 01:02 and it reminds you of deep principles for your marriage. 01:05 We also discovered that 01:07 all of those mottos that they came up 01:09 with really were founded in research and in scripture, 01:13 and so that's why we want to share with our audience here. 01:15 They're founded in scripture first-- 01:17 Oh, absolutely. 01:19 And, you know, and then it's nice 01:20 that the research actually backs up scripture now. 01:21 Yeah, that's right. 01:24 So, we've got one that we'd like to share with you, 01:26 it says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs." 01:29 And that is directly from 1 Corinthians 13. 01:32 That's right. 01:33 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 say this, 01:36 "Love is patient, love is kind, 01:40 love is not jealous, it does not boast, 01:43 it does not become conceited, 01:45 it does not behave dishonorably, 01:47 it is not selfish, it does not become angry, 01:51 it does not keep a record of wrongs 01:54 and it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, 01:56 but rejoices with the truth, 01:58 does not keep a record of wrongs." 02:00 I like that. 02:01 You know, that's translated a couple of other ways, 02:04 in one translation it says that, 02:06 "It is not resentful." 02:08 It is not resentful when you think about 02:10 keeping a record of wrongs. 02:11 Sometimes we think, well, I don't keep score. 02:15 But if we have this resentment, we are just holding it 02:19 and it bubbles up from time to time, 02:22 that's the same thing. 02:23 What you're saying resentment is like 02:25 a drinking poison hoping your enemy will die. 02:28 It doesn't work. 02:29 It doesn't work and you are not hurting anyone 02:31 but yourself and it poisons the relationship. 02:34 It absolutely poisons the relationship. 02:35 Yeah. 02:37 Another way it's translated is, 02:38 "Does not rejoice in wrong doing." 02:40 Yeah. 02:41 Now, you know, when you think about that, 02:44 if you are kind of keeping score, 02:47 you're looking to see what the other person does wrong. 02:50 You're basically rejoicing in their wrong doing 02:52 so that you can put yourself a little bit above them. 02:55 Look, they did that again. 02:57 Look, I don't do those things. 02:59 So keeping a record of wrong 03:00 and when you put all of this in the context of marriage. 03:03 Right. 03:05 I mean it just fits so perfectly, 03:06 we should just all put this on our walls, you know. 03:09 Patient, kind, not jealous-- 03:10 I noticed you looked at me when you said patient. 03:13 I don't know, what does that mean, you looked up? 03:17 It does not boast, it does not conceited. 03:20 Yeah. All those things. 03:21 I mean, if we live with that person, 03:24 I don't think we could ask for more. 03:26 No, you cannot, but, you know, it's... 03:28 for a lot of people, it's difficult to forgive 03:31 and I think that difficulty comes 03:34 because we have a difficult time 03:37 realizing that we have been forgiven. 03:39 If we can't accept the forgiveness 03:42 that God gives to us, the grace of God. 03:44 Then how on earth do we forgive others. 03:47 But when you recognize He's forgiven you. 03:49 I had a couple come to me for counseling one time 03:52 and she had an affair some years ago 03:56 and he had claimed that he'd forgiven her 03:59 but in reality he hadn't. 04:00 And for years he made her life very miserable. 04:03 And then is that resentment welled up inside of him. 04:06 He went out and had an affair to get even 04:08 and she found out about it. 04:09 Dear. 04:10 Finally they came to me for counseling, all right. 04:12 So, you know, we kind if one upping 04:13 each other here with these, 04:14 with the bad behavior and we struggled with this 04:18 and I realized we were not getting 04:19 anywhere with this counseling 04:21 because there was no forgiveness 04:22 certainly on his part. 04:24 So I assigned him to read a book, I said, 04:26 you need to read this book, 04:27 don't come back until you read it. 04:29 And there was a book on the grace of God 04:32 and he is like, I don't need a marriage book, 04:33 I said, no you don't, you need this book, 04:35 don't come back till you read it. 04:36 So after a couple of weeks, 04:38 he called me up and said, we are ready to comeback. 04:39 I said, have you read the book? 04:41 He said yes, I have. 04:42 They came in and they sat down for counseling. 04:44 He said, I'd like to say something, I said okay. 04:47 He then confessed his sin before her his affair 04:51 and asked her for forgiveness 04:53 and he told her that he had forgiven her, 04:55 but he begged her to forgive him 04:57 and the sessions went wonderfully 05:00 and I thought what on earth is going on here. 05:02 Yeah. 05:03 And finally she looked at him, she said, 05:04 I don't know if I can trust you. 05:06 She said, I love this new man, 05:08 this is the man I always wanted to be married to, 05:11 but how do I know the old man won't come back? 05:13 And he just started weeping. 05:15 And I looked at him and I said, 05:17 you've been converted, he said, yes. 05:20 I found the grace of God and I can never go back, 05:24 I'll never go back. 05:25 When he accepted the forgiveness 05:27 that God had given to him 05:28 and enabled him to forgive his wife 05:30 and that marriage was healed. 05:32 In fact, they became so close 05:34 that their children were embarrassed 05:36 to see them together, 05:37 because they just were always holding hands, 05:39 arms around each other 05:40 and they have been married for some years, you know. 05:42 And yet the healing that God provided for them 05:45 when they kept no record of wrong, 05:48 when they truly chose to forgive each other was amazing. 05:52 And the amazing thing about that is 05:54 that we do not have the ability to keep no record of wrongs 05:57 until we understand what God has done for us. 05:59 That's it. 06:01 When we understand His forgiveness for us, 06:03 it makes all the difference. 06:05 Then we say, how could I not forgive someone else. 06:09 But, you know, 06:10 sometimes we don't forgive each other because-- 06:13 First of all we say, well, he doesn't deserve it. 06:15 Yeah. 06:16 Well, you know what, if you deserve forgiveness, 06:18 you would need it. 06:19 Exactly, exactly. 06:20 Who deserves forgiveness? Who deserves it? 06:22 No one. No one deserves it. 06:23 We don't deserve what God has done for us. 06:25 And that very knowledge again is what allows us to understand 06:30 that the other person 06:31 can receive it without deserving it. 06:32 That's right. 06:34 But when we receive the grace of God, 06:35 which we don't deserve, 06:37 then it enables us to pass it along to others 06:40 who also don't deserve it. 06:41 And of course it is interesting that the one caveat 06:44 that God gives regarding our grace. 06:46 The one caveat He gives regarding our forgiveness 06:49 is that we must pass it along. 06:52 If we don't pass it along, 06:53 that's the only way you can abrogate 06:54 the forgiveness God has given to you, 06:56 is basically by refusing to pass it along. 06:58 Yeah. 06:59 And so we are supposed to forgive others. 07:01 I think really that says, I have not received it. 07:02 That's right. 07:03 I haven't received it in my heart, 07:05 if I'm not willing to pass it along. 07:06 But when we recognize 07:08 the tremendous gift God has given to us with His grace. 07:12 The wonderful free gift of salvation and forgiveness. 07:16 We cannot help but just pass it along. 07:19 You want to get rid of the resentments, 07:21 you want to get rid of those things and let it go. 07:23 Well, in your marriage, 07:25 your wife is not as content as it could be, if you don't, 07:29 because you've got this separation between you. 07:32 And the thing that we desire in our marriage 07:34 is intimacy and closeness, 07:36 that's the reason we got married 07:38 is so that we could share life with one another, 07:40 we could share that journey 07:42 and if we intentionally leave things between us, 07:46 we will never have that intimacy. 07:48 Right. We could otherwise have. 07:50 One of the things, I think, that is helpful 07:52 with this keeping no record of wrongs 07:55 is developing a short memory. 07:57 Oh, I've got that. 07:59 I know you do and I love you for it. 08:02 You can't seem to remember anything 08:04 I've done wrong in the past 08:05 and I just praise God for that, it's wonderful. 08:07 He teases me about that all the time, 08:10 that I don't remember anything. 08:11 And really it's really true, 08:13 I do think it's a gift from God. 08:15 Because we might have, you know, 08:17 differences or times when we're angry with each other 08:20 and it seems like I am able to put them behind me 08:24 and I literally can't remember them. 08:27 That is a gift that God has given to you, 08:29 but it's also gift to me, 08:31 because you can't remember the bad things 08:33 that I have done in the past. 08:34 Well you know, I think when we come to this thing of 08:37 how do we forgive? 08:39 I think one of the things that we need to look at is, 08:42 it's just saying, well, 08:43 what's our goal for this marriage. 08:45 Yeah. 08:46 You know, I can hold a grudge against you, 08:48 but what is my ultimate goal? 08:50 What do I want us to accomplish in this marriage? 08:54 Is it to live in separate lives, separate rooms, 08:57 you know just, maybe the parallel lives 09:00 under the same roof but no closeness? 09:02 Yeah. 09:03 Or do I want us to have the marriage that God intended 09:07 and that's what I want. 09:09 So how do I get to that goal? 09:11 Well, we have to recognize first of all that, 09:13 that is the end game, that's what we want 09:16 and that failing to give the forgiveness 09:19 is going to block the intimacy, also failing to forgive 09:23 and holding something over my head so to speak 09:25 is a form of control. 09:27 And power and control are elements of abuse. 09:29 So we have to recognize the ugliness 09:31 that comes from not forgiving, 09:34 but then when we receive the grace of God 09:36 and when we just focus on Jesus 09:39 and receive His loving character 09:41 and we try to emulate Him, we have to let go of this. 09:46 I think that it's important to bath ourselves in scripture 09:49 and to focus on His love. 09:51 I remember the very difficult time in my life. 09:55 I mean, I was, you know this better than the most. 09:58 I had to spend a great many years 10:01 being depressed and angry. 10:03 And I knew, I needed healing for this. 10:07 And I made up a promise to myself 10:09 that other than that which I had to read for sermon prep, 10:13 I would read nothing other than about the love of Jesus, 10:17 the grace of God 10:18 and then the practice of prayer. 10:22 Those were the things that I would read about. 10:24 And I decided, I would do that for a year, 10:28 and so I did it for a year and after a year, I said, 10:30 I was enjoying it so much, I went to two years. 10:32 Two years. 10:33 And even today, although I read a wide variety of material, 10:36 if I had my brothers, 10:38 I would probably only read about those things 10:40 because it was such a healing experience for me 10:43 to recognize God's love is. 10:45 I focused on that. 10:47 I truly understood that I was accepted by Jesus, 10:51 I was forgiven. 10:52 And when I did that, 10:53 it was easier for me to pass that along to others. 10:56 Even those who I was angry with 10:58 because of the pain that caused my life. 11:00 I was able to release it and let go of this. 11:03 And the joy that came back to me was amazing. 11:07 Oh, and that was very apparent in your life too. 11:11 I mean, we always had 11:12 a close relationship and a good marriage 11:13 and yet I could definitely see that during that time. 11:17 And you passed it along to me too 11:19 and just even in sharing some of the things 11:22 that you were learning in that walk 11:24 and it so blessed both of us. 11:26 It really did. 11:27 And you know, I think, 11:29 this thing of bathing yourself in scripture, 11:30 especially the scripture about Jesus is the thing to do. 11:33 We have been studying 11:35 in a women study group that I am in with. 11:36 We have been studying the Book of Luke recently. 11:39 And as you study through that, you follow Jesus's journey 11:44 and you see how gentle He was with everyone around Him, 11:48 you see how merciful, 11:49 you see how He noticed the least person 11:53 and He knew their need. 11:54 You know, they might even be 11:55 just out at the corner of his eye 11:57 and he knew their need and he always met it. 12:01 He was always there. 12:02 One of my favorite Christian authors 12:07 has advised us 12:09 that we should spend a thoughtful hour each day 12:13 contemplating the life of Christ, 12:15 especially the closing scenes and the value of that is, 12:20 that we begin to emulate Him. 12:22 And more specifically that we find His grace for us 12:26 and we pass that along. 12:28 That should be so important to us 12:29 that we are willing to dedicate 12:31 that our each day reading the gospels, 12:35 contemplating His life, meditating upon His life 12:39 and His grace is goodness for us 12:42 and that changes us. 12:43 It does, He starts to become real to us. 12:45 Yes. 12:46 He is not just a person we've always heard about. 12:48 He's real. 12:49 And when he becomes real, His love becomes real 12:52 and when His love becomes real, it changes everything. 12:57 Everything... Everything... 12:58 We keep no record of wrong 13:00 and the way Tracy put it in her motto was, 13:03 never hold a grudge. 13:04 Never hold a grudge. 13:06 We are gonna take a break and when we comeback, 13:07 we've got more on this topic. 13:09 We will be right back. |
Revised 2016-04-11