Welcome to
"Marriage in God's Hands."
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We are Mike and, Gayle Tucker
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from Faith for Today television,
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co-host of Lifestyle
Magazine and Mad about Marriage.
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And if you would
like to watch those shows,
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you can go to lifestyle.org
or madaboutmarriage.com.
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We have been
talking today about mottos
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that successful couples
have shared with us on Facebook.
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And we have been
processing some of those.
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It's good to learn from
people who are successful.
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It is, you know, we asked
our Facebook friends to tell us
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what makes their marriages work?
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And they came up with some
mottos and basically is that,
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a thing that becomes a principle
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that you can
repeat over and over,
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you kind of go back to it.
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When you are having trouble
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and it reminds you of deep
principles for your marriage.
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We also discovered that
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all of those
mottos that they came up
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with really were founded
in research and in scripture,
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and so that's why we want to
share with our audience here.
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They're founded
in scripture first--
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Oh, absolutely.
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And, you know,
and then it's nice
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that the research
actually backs up scripture now.
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Yeah, that's right.
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So, we've got one that
we'd like to share with you,
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it says, "Love keeps
no record of wrongs."
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And that is directly
from 1 Corinthians 13.
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That's right.
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1 Corinthians 13:4-6 say this,
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"Love is patient, love is kind,
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love is not
jealous, it does not boast,
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it does not become conceited,
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it does not behave dishonorably,
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it is not selfish, it
does not become angry,
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it does not keep
a record of wrongs
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and it does not
rejoice in unrighteousness,
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but rejoices with the truth,
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does not keep a
record of wrongs."
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I like that.
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You know, that's translated
a couple of other ways,
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in one translation it says that,
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"It is not resentful."
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It is not resentful
when you think about
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keeping a record of wrongs.
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Sometimes we think,
well, I don't keep score.
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But if we have this resentment,
we are just holding it
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and it bubbles up
from time to time,
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that's the same thing.
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What you're
saying resentment is like
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a drinking poison
hoping your enemy will die.
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It doesn't work.
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It doesn't work and
you are not hurting anyone
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but yourself and it
poisons the relationship.
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It absolutely
poisons the relationship.
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Yeah.
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Another way it's translated is,
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"Does not
rejoice in wrong doing."
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Yeah.
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Now, you know, when
you think about that,
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if you are kind
of keeping score,
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you're looking to see what
the other person does wrong.
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You're basically
rejoicing in their wrong doing
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so that you can put yourself
a little bit above them.
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Look, they did that again.
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Look, I don't do those things.
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So keeping a record of wrong
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and when you put all of
this in the context of marriage.
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Right.
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I mean it just
fits so perfectly,
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we should just all put
this on our walls, you know.
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Patient, kind, not jealous--
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I noticed you looked at
me when you said patient.
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I don't know, what does
that mean, you looked up?
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It does not boast,
it does not conceited.
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Yeah. All those things.
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I mean, if we
live with that person,
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I don't think we
could ask for more.
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No, you cannot,
but, you know, it's...
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for a lot of people,
it's difficult to forgive
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and I think
that difficulty comes
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because we have a difficult time
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realizing that we
have been forgiven.
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If we can't
accept the forgiveness
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that God gives to
us, the grace of God.
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Then how on earth
do we forgive others.
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But when you
recognize He's forgiven you.
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I had a couple come to
me for counseling one time
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and she had an
affair some years ago
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and he had claimed
that he'd forgiven her
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but in reality he hadn't.
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And for years he made
her life very miserable.
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And then is that resentment
welled up inside of him.
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He went out and had
an affair to get even
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and she found out about it.
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Dear.
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Finally they came to me
for counseling, all right.
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So, you know, we
kind if one upping
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each other here with these,
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with the bad behavior
and we struggled with this
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and I realized
we were not getting
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anywhere with this counseling
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because there was no forgiveness
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certainly on his part.
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So I assigned him
to read a book, I said,
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you need to read this book,
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don't come back
until you read it.
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And there was a
book on the grace of God
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and he is like, I
don't need a marriage book,
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I said, no you
don't, you need this book,
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don't come back
till you read it.
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So after a couple of weeks,
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he called me up and
said, we are ready to comeback.
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I said, have you read the book?
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He said yes, I have.
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They came in and they
sat down for counseling.
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He said, I'd like to
say something, I said okay.
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He then confessed his
sin before her his affair
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and asked her for forgiveness
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and he told her
that he had forgiven her,
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but he begged her to forgive him
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and the
sessions went wonderfully
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and I thought what on
earth is going on here.
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Yeah.
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And finally she
looked at him, she said,
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I don't know if I can trust you.
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She said, I love this new man,
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this is the man I
always wanted to be married to,
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but how do I know the
old man won't come back?
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And he just started weeping.
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And I looked at him and I said,
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you've been
converted, he said, yes.
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I found the grace of
God and I can never go back,
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I'll never go back.
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When he accepted the forgiveness
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that God had given to him
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and enabled him
to forgive his wife
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and that marriage was healed.
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In fact, they became so close
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that their
children were embarrassed
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to see them together,
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because they just
were always holding hands,
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arms around each other
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and they have been married
for some years, you know.
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And yet the healing
that God provided for them
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when they kept
no record of wrong,
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when they truly chose to
forgive each other was amazing.
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And the amazing
thing about that is
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that we do not have the ability
to keep no record of wrongs
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until we understand
what God has done for us.
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That's it.
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When we understand
His forgiveness for us,
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it makes all the difference.
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Then we say, how could I
not forgive someone else.
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But, you know,
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sometimes we don't
forgive each other because--
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First of all we say,
well, he doesn't deserve it.
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Yeah.
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Well, you know what, if
you deserve forgiveness,
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you would need it.
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Exactly, exactly.
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Who deserves
forgiveness? Who deserves it?
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No one. No one deserves it.
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We don't deserve
what God has done for us.
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And that very knowledge again
is what allows us to understand
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that the other person
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can receive it
without deserving it.
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That's right.
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But when we
receive the grace of God,
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which we don't deserve,
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then it enables us to
pass it along to others
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who also don't deserve it.
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And of course it is
interesting that the one caveat
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that God gives
regarding our grace.
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The one caveat He gives
regarding our forgiveness
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is that we must pass it along.
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If we don't pass it along,
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that's the only
way you can abrogate
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the forgiveness
God has given to you,
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is basically by
refusing to pass it along.
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Yeah.
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And so we are
supposed to forgive others.
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I think really that
says, I have not received it.
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That's right.
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I haven't
received it in my heart,
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if I'm not
willing to pass it along.
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But when we recognize
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the tremendous gift God
has given to us with His grace.
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The wonderful free gift
of salvation and forgiveness.
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We cannot help but
just pass it along.
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You want to get
rid of the resentments,
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you want to get rid of
those things and let it go.
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Well, in your marriage,
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your wife is not as content
as it could be, if you don't,
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because you've got
this separation between you.
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And the thing that we
desire in our marriage
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is intimacy and closeness,
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that's the reason we got married
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is so that we could
share life with one another,
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we could share that journey
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and if we intentionally
leave things between us,
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we will never
have that intimacy.
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Right. We could otherwise have.
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One of the things, I
think, that is helpful
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with this keeping
no record of wrongs
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is developing a short memory.
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Oh, I've got that.
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I know you do and
I love you for it.
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You can't seem
to remember anything
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I've done wrong in the past
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and I just praise God
for that, it's wonderful.
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He teases me
about that all the time,
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that I don't remember anything.
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And really it's really true,
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I do think it's a gift from God.
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Because we might have, you know,
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differences or times when
we're angry with each other
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and it seems like I am
able to put them behind me
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and I literally
can't remember them.
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That is a gift that
God has given to you,
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but it's also gift to me,
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because you can't
remember the bad things
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that I have done in the past.
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Well you know, I think
when we come to this thing of
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how do we forgive?
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I think one of the things
that we need to look at is,
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it's just saying, well,
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what's our goal
for this marriage.
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Yeah.
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You know, I can hold
a grudge against you,
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but what is my ultimate goal?
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What do I want us to
accomplish in this marriage?
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Is it to live in
separate lives, separate rooms,
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you know just,
maybe the parallel lives
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under the same
roof but no closeness?
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Yeah.
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Or do I want us to have
the marriage that God intended
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and that's what I want.
00:09:07.48\00:09:09.24
So how do I get to that goal?
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Well, we have to
recognize first of all that,
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that is the end
game, that's what we want
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and that failing to
give the forgiveness
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is going to block the intimacy,
also failing to forgive
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and holding something
over my head so to speak
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is a form of control.
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And power and control
are elements of abuse.
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So we have to
recognize the ugliness
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that comes from not forgiving,
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but then when we
receive the grace of God
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and when we just focus on Jesus
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and receive His loving character
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and we try to emulate
Him, we have to let go of this.
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I think that it's important
to bath ourselves in scripture
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and to focus on His love.
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I remember the very
difficult time in my life.
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I mean, I was, you know
this better than the most.
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I had to spend
a great many years
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being depressed and angry.
00:10:01.23\00:10:03.63
And I knew, I
needed healing for this.
00:10:03.67\00:10:07.50
And I made up a
promise to myself
00:10:07.54\00:10:09.30
that other than that which
I had to read for sermon prep,
00:10:09.34\00:10:13.54
I would read nothing other
than about the love of Jesus,
00:10:13.58\00:10:17.41
the grace of God
00:10:17.45\00:10:18.78
and then the practice of prayer.
00:10:18.81\00:10:22.45
Those were the things
that I would read about.
00:10:22.48\00:10:24.29
And I decided, I
would do that for a year,
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and so I did it for a
year and after a year, I said,
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I was enjoying it so
much, I went to two years.
00:10:30.33\00:10:32.19
Two years.
00:10:32.23\00:10:33.56
And even today, although I
read a wide variety of material,
00:10:33.60\00:10:36.56
if I had my brothers,
00:10:36.60\00:10:38.53
I would probably only
read about those things
00:10:38.57\00:10:40.40
because it was such a
healing experience for me
00:10:40.44\00:10:43.91
to recognize God's love is.
00:10:43.94\00:10:45.87
I focused on that.
00:10:45.91\00:10:47.48
I truly understood that
I was accepted by Jesus,
00:10:47.51\00:10:50.98
I was forgiven.
00:10:51.01\00:10:52.41
And when I did that,
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it was easier for me to
pass that along to others.
00:10:53.82\00:10:55.98
Even those who I was angry with
00:10:56.02\00:10:57.99
because of the pain
that caused my life.
00:10:58.02\00:11:00.66
I was able to release
it and let go of this.
00:11:00.69\00:11:03.79
And the joy that came
back to me was amazing.
00:11:03.83\00:11:07.43
Oh, and that was very
apparent in your life too.
00:11:07.46\00:11:10.97
I mean, we always had
00:11:11.00\00:11:12.33
a close
relationship and a good marriage
00:11:12.37\00:11:13.94
and yet I could definitely
see that during that time.
00:11:13.97\00:11:17.31
And you passed
it along to me too
00:11:17.34\00:11:19.74
and just even in
sharing some of the things
00:11:19.77\00:11:22.04
that you were
learning in that walk
00:11:22.08\00:11:24.65
and it so blessed both of us.
00:11:24.68\00:11:26.41
It really did.
00:11:26.45\00:11:27.78
And you know, I think,
00:11:27.82\00:11:29.15
this thing of bathing
yourself in scripture,
00:11:29.18\00:11:30.52
especially the scripture
about Jesus is the thing to do.
00:11:30.55\00:11:33.92
We have been studying
00:11:33.96\00:11:35.29
in a women study
group that I am in with.
00:11:35.32\00:11:36.66
We have been studying
the Book of Luke recently.
00:11:36.69\00:11:39.39
And as you study through
that, you follow Jesus's journey
00:11:39.43\00:11:44.10
and you see how gentle He
was with everyone around Him,
00:11:44.13\00:11:48.37
you see how merciful,
00:11:48.40\00:11:49.94
you see how He
noticed the least person
00:11:49.97\00:11:53.14
and He knew their need.
00:11:53.17\00:11:54.51
You know, they might even be
00:11:54.54\00:11:55.88
just out at the
corner of his eye
00:11:55.91\00:11:57.25
and he knew their
need and he always met it.
00:11:57.28\00:12:01.28
He was always there.
00:12:01.32\00:12:02.92
One of my
favorite Christian authors
00:12:02.95\00:12:07.26
has advised us
00:12:07.29\00:12:09.86
that we should spend a
thoughtful hour each day
00:12:09.89\00:12:13.76
contemplating
the life of Christ,
00:12:13.80\00:12:15.76
especially the closing
scenes and the value of that is,
00:12:15.80\00:12:20.64
that we begin to emulate Him.
00:12:20.67\00:12:22.74
And more specifically
that we find His grace for us
00:12:22.77\00:12:26.44
and we pass that along.
00:12:26.47\00:12:28.04
That should be
so important to us
00:12:28.08\00:12:29.48
that we are willing to dedicate
00:12:29.51\00:12:31.85
that our each day
reading the gospels,
00:12:31.88\00:12:35.78
contemplating His life,
meditating upon His life
00:12:35.82\00:12:38.99
and His grace is goodness for us
00:12:39.02\00:12:42.02
and that changes us.
00:12:42.06\00:12:43.39
It does, He starts
to become real to us.
00:12:43.43\00:12:44.99
Yes.
00:12:45.03\00:12:46.36
He is not just a person
we've always heard about.
00:12:46.39\00:12:48.06
He's real.
00:12:48.10\00:12:49.43
And when he becomes
real, His love becomes real
00:12:49.46\00:12:52.80
and when His love becomes
real, it changes everything.
00:12:52.83\00:12:57.01
Everything... Everything...
00:12:57.04\00:12:58.71
We keep no record of wrong
00:12:58.74\00:13:00.78
and the way Tracy
put it in her motto was,
00:13:00.81\00:13:03.35
never hold a grudge.
00:13:03.38\00:13:04.71
Never hold a grudge.
00:13:04.75\00:13:06.08
We are gonna take a
break and when we comeback,
00:13:06.11\00:13:07.95
we've got more on this topic.
00:13:07.98\00:13:09.78
We will be right back.
00:13:09.82\00:13:11.15