Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000084B
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00:01 Welcome back.
00:03 We've been talking about Mottos for Marriage. 00:05 Successful couples have shared their motto, 00:08 their guiding principle with us, 00:10 we are passing that on to you as well. 00:13 And we are talking today about connecting 00:15 and then communicating. 00:17 We started off with connection, now we are communicating. 00:19 By the way if you want to learn more about 00:21 Mad About Marriage, 00:22 check us out on the web at madaboutmarriage.com 00:24 or you can go to our Facebook page 00:26 and like us on Facebook 00:28 or go to Google Plus, add us on your circles 00:30 or follow us on Twitter. 00:32 You got to get all those things right. 00:33 You know. I know. 00:35 We even have a YouTube channel for Mad About Marriage 00:38 and there is Lifestyle Magazine on roku channel, 00:40 so you can watch our programs there as well. 00:43 But today, we are talking about, 00:45 about having a way 00:46 to communicating our love for each other. 00:49 And the motto that we are talking about was... 00:51 The motto that we are talking about was, 00:53 "I will communicate my love to you daily 00:56 using words when necessary." 00:57 Yeah. 00:58 Now in order to do that, we've got to understand 01:00 what the other person needs. 01:01 That's right. 01:03 Now my tendency is 01:04 if I want you to communicate your love to me, 01:06 I will show you that 01:07 by communicating my love to you, 01:10 in the same way I want it shown to me. 01:11 In other words, I tend to model it. 01:13 Okay. 01:14 Maybe if I want an act of kindness, 01:15 I will do an act of kindness for you. 01:17 But that's not at all what you wanted. 01:19 You wanted something else and so I'm trying to show you, 01:22 this is how you do this. 01:24 And then if you're modeling to me with words of kindness, 01:28 something, yeah, the words are nice 01:29 but look at this, look at this and you wanted words back. 01:32 Well, if we are talking about 01:34 doing something for the other person. 01:35 Yeah. 01:36 Maybe I love going out to dinner so I think 01:38 "Oh, Mike is gonna love it if I plan a dinner out." 01:41 And so, I plan that thinking that 01:43 that's showing my love for you 01:45 when actually what you would rather do is, 01:47 you know, play golf together. 01:49 Yeah, I used to play golf. Yeah. 01:51 All right, so if we are gonna do this, 01:53 if we are really going to be effective 01:54 in communicating our love for each other, 01:57 using words only when absolutely necessary. 02:00 How would we do this? 02:01 What are the steps for making this happen? 02:02 Well, I think to understand what is gonna be meaningful 02:05 to the other person with our communication 02:08 of love is to, first of all just ask. 02:11 So I'd say, step number one, you know, 02:14 what would make you feel loved? 02:16 You know, and maybe this happens on sometime 02:18 when you are out on a date or something 02:20 and you have some time together and you just ask the question. 02:24 "You know, I want to be sure that you know that I love you 02:28 and I'm looking for ways to let you know that 02:32 and what will make you feel loved?" 02:34 That might be a question that take some by surprise 02:36 and it's a little hard to answer at first, 02:39 but as you maybe explore it a little bit, 02:41 you can actually come up with some things. 02:43 Well, you know, I really love it 02:44 when you, you know, I really like it when you-- 02:48 Or I really wish you would. 02:50 Maybe something you're not currently doing 02:51 that your partner would really love it if you did. 02:54 It will make me feel great if, you know, fill in the blank. 02:58 So ask, so that's number one. 03:00 And then just begin to explore and observe. 03:04 I need to sit back and watch what makes your eyes light up. 03:09 You know, I need to see what is really meaningful 03:11 to you by observing what it is. 03:14 That means I have to look at your values, 03:17 the principles that are important to you, 03:19 I have to look at the things that you just enjoy doing. 03:22 What is the definition of fun for you? 03:26 And what seems to make you feel secure and happy 03:30 as opposed to feeling threatened or fearful. 03:34 One of those things because it's my job 03:36 to make sure that you are, 03:38 you feel comfortable and safe in our relationship. 03:41 That's a part of feeling love. 03:42 So, if I observe and I say "What is that makes 03:45 Mike feel the most settled and the most safe?" 03:50 You know, and I can see that 03:51 and I can tell and if you watch, you know, 03:53 if a person will watch their spouse, they can learn-- 03:55 You can see that and observe that. 03:57 So begin to watch and just the personality. 04:00 You know, with this personality 04:02 what's gonna make this person feel loved? 04:04 And once you've done all that 04:06 and as you are doing it make a list. 04:07 Make a list. 04:08 So step number one is ask the question. 04:10 Step number two is observe 04:12 and just see what you observe from the other person. 04:14 Step number three is to write it down 04:16 so that you don't forget 04:17 and you kind of have a list of things there. 04:19 Yeah. 04:20 And then number four is to make a plan. 04:22 Yeah. 04:23 What are the things on this list 04:25 that I can actually do? 04:26 And when can I do this? Yes. 04:28 Maybe some of them are very tangible things. 04:30 Maybe some of them are attitudinal things 04:33 that just kind of change my attitude in certain areas 04:35 and that's gonna express love. 04:38 So some of them are gonna be ongoing. 04:40 There will be things just day-to-day, 04:42 I'm gonna change, I'm gonna do this for you. 04:44 Some of them might be an event. 04:46 You know, I'm gonna plan this event 04:48 and as he is gonna feel loved because this happens 04:52 and he knows that I spend time thinking about it 04:55 and thinking about him in order to plan it. 04:57 The key then is to persist in this. 04:59 Once I know what makes you happy do it regularly. 05:03 Our friend, Willie Oliver said that 05:05 when he discovered that Elaine, his wife loved flowers 05:09 and he said, I mean, she loves flowers. 05:13 He said, I discovered this when I brought her flowers once 05:15 and she just went crazy over it. 05:17 He said, so I put on my calendar 05:20 so that it pops up and reminds me every week, 05:23 every Friday I buy her flowers. 05:25 He said, it just makes her eyes light up. 05:27 She loves it. 05:28 Why wouldn't I do that for her he said? 05:30 Yeah, I mean, that's a good question. 05:32 If I know she loves it, why wouldn't I do it? 05:34 Yeah. 05:36 We have so many things that we know our spouse loves 05:39 but, you know, they don't really mean that much to us 05:42 or it's a lot of trouble or we just don't think about it 05:45 because we are not focusing on it. 05:48 Focus on it. Yeah. 05:49 Make a plan. If we know they love it, do it. 05:51 And it's not gonna happen by accident. 05:52 You have to plan it. So make it a plan. 05:55 Now, there is a couple of other mottos 05:56 we would like to get to. 05:58 One is "We have to learn to express request 06:03 and concerns without criticism or attack." 06:05 There are times when I have to, 06:07 I have a concern that I share with you something 06:08 I'm concerned about or I make a request of it, 06:11 something I want you to do for me or do differently. 06:13 But I have to learn to do that 06:15 without criticism or without attack. 06:17 That's not easy. No, it's not. 06:19 Because as soon as I hear the words 06:22 "I don't like or I wish you would." 06:26 Or "You always, you know, you tend to do this." 06:28 Or you never. Yeah. 06:31 Might offences go up. Yeah. 06:33 Oh, you know. 06:34 In fact, you know, sometimes you can just hear 06:36 a tone of voice or you can hear 06:38 a certain word and all of a sudden, 06:40 you know, your back straightens. 06:41 Hair stands up on the back of you neck and-- 06:43 You're like, oh, oh, here it comes. 06:44 It's fight-or-flight depending on your personality. 06:47 So if you are the person having to express our concerns, 06:50 sometimes we have to. 06:51 Sometimes there are things that we have to express. 06:53 This is a problem. Or make a request. 06:57 If you are the person doing that, 06:58 it's really important that you consider it first, 07:02 that you think about what you're going to say, 07:04 think before you speak 07:06 that you learn to express it in a way 07:09 that it's the least confrontational, 07:13 so that the person has the ability 07:15 to be open to it. 07:16 And very often that involves making eye statements. 07:19 So in other words, you talk about your thoughts, 07:21 your feelings, your needs, your concerns, 07:25 your response to what's taking place. 07:28 And there is one method that we teach 07:30 in conflict resolution is a means of doing 07:33 this is called the "XYZ method." 07:35 You know, when you do X in Y situations I feel Z. 07:39 It would be one way of expressing your concern. 07:41 So when you, you know, get angry with me, 07:45 when I forget to pick up my socks from the floor, 07:48 I feel frightened or whatever it may happened to be. 07:50 Yeah, whatever it is. 07:51 You know, so basically finding that pattern, 07:54 it just expresses this is my reaction, 07:55 this is my response to what's going on 07:58 and it expresses the concern well 08:00 or you know to make the request 08:03 just simply something as simple as, 08:05 you know, what would make me really happy 08:07 is if you could do X. 08:09 Or I would be so thrilled if you would be willing to do, 08:13 would you be willing to do that for me? 08:15 You know, so just a simple request 08:16 not a "why don't you" because that's an attack. 08:20 So I want to do everything I can do 08:22 not criticize you or attack you 08:24 because that's gonna make you defensive. 08:27 And people sometimes say, 08:28 "Well, but that's not being honest. 08:29 That's just, you know, pussyfooting around the thing." 08:31 Yeah. And I don't think that's true. 08:33 No, I don't either. 08:34 Because I think what it's doing 08:36 is protecting your relationship. 08:39 It's my responsibility to protect the relationship. 08:42 So if I'm gonna come out with guns blaring, 08:45 that's not protecting the relationship, 08:47 it's not protecting you. 08:48 You leave me wounded. Absolutely. 08:49 I've got holes all through me. 08:51 Bleeding. And what am I gaining by that? 08:52 Nothing. I put distance there. 08:54 Yeah. 08:55 You made me angry at you or hurt, 08:57 and I'm not gonna trust you anymore, 08:58 and I'm certainly not gonna do what you want me to do. 09:00 Oh, no. You know. 09:02 Dig the heels in or withdraw, 09:03 those are the two responses you get. 09:05 Yeah. Yeah. 09:06 You know, either you watch this. 09:07 You know, you think you didn't like that, well, watch this. 09:10 And if there is, if there is a compliance 09:13 is be grudged compliance. 09:14 It's dreaded compliance. It's angry compliance. 09:19 It's compliance that brings no joy 09:21 and so I'm grudgingly complying all the time, 09:25 I'm seething inside because of the pain 09:28 that was caused over this situation. 09:29 There is a big difference between saying 09:32 "You know, I feel this way when this happens than saying 09:37 you know, what you do to me, you know." 09:40 You can see the finger pointing and "I hate it when you do." 09:43 Yeah. 09:45 So the I statements. Here's how I feel. 09:47 I feel, I see, I observe, I wish, I, you know whatever. 09:53 I think whatever. I think. 09:54 It may be whatever that has to do. 09:56 All those statements rather than you this. 09:57 So we're talking about my personal experience 10:00 in relationship to what's going on 10:02 and how I wish those things were different. 10:04 So it's a non-accusatory non-attacking way 10:07 of making this request or expressing your concern. 10:10 Now, there is another motto that it goes, 10:13 it must go hand and glove with this particular motto. 10:15 It's a partner because while it's important as the speaker 10:19 when making the request to make sure 10:22 that you are clear and you are kind about that, 10:25 that's your number one priority. 10:27 You are the one that is most responsible 10:30 for the message that comes across. 10:32 It's also important when you are the receiver 10:35 to do some things. 10:36 If I have to receive that request, 10:38 it's my job to receive it without defensiveness. 10:42 That's a tough thing, isn't it? 10:44 And again what we tell people over and over again 10:47 in our seminars is defensiveness 10:49 is the enemy of intimacy. 10:52 You want intimacy, you don't defend yourself. 10:55 How do you do that? 10:57 That's not easy, especially if you feel like 10:58 you're constantly attacked. 11:00 But I know that you and I have discovered in pastoral work 11:04 that people will come to you and complain 11:06 and it feels very much like an attack. 11:08 Sometimes the finger is wagging and there is anger 11:12 and your tendency is to want to defend yourself 11:14 because after all this is an unjustified attack 11:16 and you're wrong 11:18 and your information is misguided 11:19 and you don't know what you're talking about 11:20 and you're just too mean to talk to him right now. 11:22 You got a whole list. 11:24 Yeah, I got a whole list of things. 11:25 But if I do that, I'm being defensive 11:28 and I never get to the heart 11:29 of what's going on with this person. 11:30 But if I will listen without defensiveness 11:33 and try to find the heart's desire 11:36 in this individuals' anger and their pain 11:40 and their request and their expression of concern 11:43 then I can find a point of ministry 11:45 but I will never be able to minister to this person 11:47 if I'm defending myself or defending the institution 11:51 or defending what I've done. 11:52 It means, sometimes I'm left bloody and beaten 11:56 but, you know what, that's what I think about 11:58 how what it means when the scripture says 12:00 "By His stripes we are healed. 12:02 He bored that for us." 12:04 Without defensiveness, without complaint 12:05 He could have defended himself 12:07 but He chose not to 12:08 and it provides for our healing. 12:09 We have the opportunity to heal each other. 12:12 By refusing to defend ourselves 12:14 and instead saying, "I want to listen 12:17 until I can find the point of concern. 12:19 The heart's desire and what's bothering you 12:22 and then I can minister to that point 12:24 rather than to the periphery over the anchor. 12:26 Most of the time when someone comes to you and they say, 12:29 "I don't like this about what you're doing" 12:32 there is really, it's not about that. 12:34 It's not about that surface issue 12:36 and that's true in our marriages. 12:38 It's something deeper. 12:39 It's not usually, you know, we have, 12:42 we have fights over socks on the floor 12:44 or how to squeeze a toothpaste 12:46 or whatever and it's not about that, 12:47 it's about something that makes that important. 12:49 It may be over respect. 12:50 Yes. It may be over care. 12:52 There is a heart's desire there. 12:54 Yeah. 12:55 And I think its' important to understand that 12:57 because when you understand that, 12:58 you understand that you're opening 13:00 the door to intimacy. 13:01 If I hear your heart's desire 13:03 and I hear that without defensiveness. 13:05 Now, I can be open to accommodating you. 13:07 I can be open to ministering 13:09 to that particular need that you have. 13:11 Now there is a caveat to this. 13:13 There are times in abusive relationships 13:16 where the attack is serious where it's truly detrimental 13:19 and in those cases a boundary needs to be drawn 13:23 so that you do not have to be the recipient of abuse. 13:25 That's right. 13:27 So a boundary needs to be drawn. 13:28 But apart from an abusive relationship 13:31 with just two people who may even have a history of arguing 13:34 when that concern, that criticism comes 13:37 if I can listen without defensiveness, 13:40 I can hear your heart's desire then we have an opportunity 13:43 to truly minister to each other, don't we? 13:46 You know, a lot of this comes from John Gottman's work 13:49 and if people want to understand more about this, 13:51 they might look at John and Julie Gottman's work 13:53 from the National Marriage Institute. 13:54 That's right, so we encourage you 13:57 to find a way to communicate with love. 13:59 Do it with gentleness 14:01 because we want you to be madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-04-11