Welcome back.
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We've been talking
about Mottos for Marriage.
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Successful couples
have shared their motto,
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their guiding principle with us,
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we are passing
that on to you as well.
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And we are talking
today about connecting
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and then communicating.
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We started off with connection,
now we are communicating.
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By the way if you
want to learn more about
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Mad About Marriage,
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check us out on the
web at madaboutmarriage.com
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or you can go to
our Facebook page
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and like us on Facebook
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You got to get all
those things right.
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You know. I know.
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We even have a YouTube
channel for Mad About Marriage
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and there is Lifestyle
Magazine on roku channel,
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so you can watch our
programs there as well.
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But today, we are talking about,
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about having a way
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to communicating
our love for each other.
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And the motto that we
are talking about was...
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The motto that we
are talking about was,
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"I will communicate
my love to you daily
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using words when necessary."
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Yeah.
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Now in order to do
that, we've got to understand
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what the other person needs.
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That's right.
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Now my tendency is
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if I want you to
communicate your love to me,
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I will show you that
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by communicating my love to you,
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in the same way I
want it shown to me.
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In other words,
I tend to model it.
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Okay.
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Maybe if I want
an act of kindness,
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I will do an act
of kindness for you.
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But that's not at
all what you wanted.
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You wanted something else
and so I'm trying to show you,
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this is how you do this.
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And then if you're modeling
to me with words of kindness,
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something, yeah,
the words are nice
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but look at this, look at
this and you wanted words back.
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Well, if we are talking about
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doing something
for the other person.
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Yeah.
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Maybe I love going
out to dinner so I think
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"Oh, Mike is gonna love
it if I plan a dinner out."
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And so, I plan
that thinking that
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that's showing my love for you
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when actually what
you would rather do is,
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you know, play golf together.
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Yeah, I used to play golf. Yeah.
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All right, so if
we are gonna do this,
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if we are really
going to be effective
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in communicating
our love for each other,
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using words only
when absolutely necessary.
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How would we do this?
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What are the steps
for making this happen?
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Well, I think to understand
what is gonna be meaningful
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to the other person
with our communication
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of love is to,
first of all just ask.
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So I'd say, step
number one, you know,
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what would make you feel loved?
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You know, and maybe
this happens on sometime
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when you are out
on a date or something
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and you have some time together
and you just ask the question.
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"You know, I want to be sure
that you know that I love you
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and I'm looking for
ways to let you know that
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and what will
make you feel loved?"
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That might be a question
that take some by surprise
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and it's a little
hard to answer at first,
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but as you maybe
explore it a little bit,
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you can actually
come up with some things.
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Well, you know, I really love it
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when you, you know, I
really like it when you--
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Or I really wish you would.
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Maybe something
you're not currently doing
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that your partner would
really love it if you did.
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It will make me feel great
if, you know, fill in the blank.
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So ask, so that's number one.
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And then just begin
to explore and observe.
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I need to sit back and watch
what makes your eyes light up.
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You know, I need to see
what is really meaningful
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to you by observing what it is.
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That means I have
to look at your values,
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the principles that
are important to you,
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I have to look at the things
that you just enjoy doing.
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What is the
definition of fun for you?
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And what seems to make
you feel secure and happy
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as opposed to feeling
threatened or fearful.
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One of those
things because it's my job
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to make sure that you are,
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you feel comfortable and
safe in our relationship.
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That's a part of feeling love.
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So, if I observe and I
say "What is that makes
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Mike feel the most
settled and the most safe?"
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You know, and I can see that
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and I can tell and
if you watch, you know,
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if a person will watch
their spouse, they can learn--
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You can see that
and observe that.
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So begin to watch
and just the personality.
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You know, with this personality
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what's gonna make
this person feel loved?
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And once you've done all that
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and as you are
doing it make a list.
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Make a list.
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So step number one
is ask the question.
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Step number two is observe
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and just see what you
observe from the other person.
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Step number three
is to write it down
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so that you don't forget
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and you kind of have
a list of things there.
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Yeah.
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And then number
four is to make a plan.
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Yeah.
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What are the things on this list
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that I can actually do?
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And when can I do this? Yes.
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Maybe some of them
are very tangible things.
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Maybe some of them
are attitudinal things
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that just kind of change
my attitude in certain areas
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and that's gonna express love.
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So some of them
are gonna be ongoing.
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There will be
things just day-to-day,
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I'm gonna change, I'm
gonna do this for you.
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Some of them might be an event.
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You know, I'm
gonna plan this event
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and as he is gonna feel
loved because this happens
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and he knows that I
spend time thinking about it
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and thinking about
him in order to plan it.
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The key then is
to persist in this.
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Once I know what makes
you happy do it regularly.
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Our friend,
Willie Oliver said that
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when he discovered that
Elaine, his wife loved flowers
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and he said, I
mean, she loves flowers.
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He said, I discovered this
when I brought her flowers once
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and she just went crazy over it.
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He said, so I put on my calendar
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so that it pops up
and reminds me every week,
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every Friday I buy her flowers.
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He said, it just
makes her eyes light up.
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She loves it.
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Why wouldn't I do
that for her he said?
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Yeah, I mean,
that's a good question.
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If I know she loves
it, why wouldn't I do it?
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Yeah.
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We have so many things
that we know our spouse loves
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but, you know, they don't
really mean that much to us
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or it's a lot of trouble or
we just don't think about it
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because we are
not focusing on it.
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Focus on it. Yeah.
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Make a plan. If we
know they love it, do it.
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And it's not gonna
happen by accident.
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You have to plan
it. So make it a plan.
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Now, there is a
couple of other mottos
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we would like to get to.
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One is "We have to
learn to express request
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and concerns without
criticism or attack."
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There are times when I have to,
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I have a concern that I
share with you something
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I'm concerned about or
I make a request of it,
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something I want you to
do for me or do differently.
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But I have to learn to do that
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without criticism
or without attack.
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That's not easy. No, it's not.
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Because as soon
as I hear the words
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"I don't like or
I wish you would."
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Or "You always, you
know, you tend to do this."
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Or you never. Yeah.
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Might offences go up. Yeah.
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Oh, you know.
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In fact, you know,
sometimes you can just hear
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a tone of voice or you can hear
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a certain word
and all of a sudden,
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you know, your back straightens.
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Hair stands up on the
back of you neck and--
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You're like, oh,
oh, here it comes.
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It's fight-or-flight
depending on your personality.
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So if you are the person
having to express our concerns,
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sometimes we have to.
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Sometimes there are
things that we have to express.
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This is a
problem. Or make a request.
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If you are the
person doing that,
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it's really important
that you consider it first,
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that you think about
what you're going to say,
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think before you speak
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that you learn to
express it in a way
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that it's the
least confrontational,
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so that the
person has the ability
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to be open to it.
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And very often that
involves making eye statements.
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So in other words, you
talk about your thoughts,
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your feelings, your
needs, your concerns,
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your response to
what's taking place.
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And there is one
method that we teach
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in conflict
resolution is a means of doing
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this is called the "XYZ method."
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You know, when you do X
in Y situations I feel Z.
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It would be one way of
expressing your concern.
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So when you, you
know, get angry with me,
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when I forget to pick
up my socks from the floor,
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I feel frightened or
whatever it may happened to be.
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Yeah, whatever it is.
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You know, so
basically finding that pattern,
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it just expresses
this is my reaction,
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this is my
response to what's going on
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and it
expresses the concern well
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or you know to make the request
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just simply
something as simple as,
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you know, what
would make me really happy
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is if you could do X.
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Or I would be so thrilled
if you would be willing to do,
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would you be
willing to do that for me?
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You know, so
just a simple request
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not a "why don't you"
because that's an attack.
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So I want to do
everything I can do
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not criticize you or attack you
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because that's
gonna make you defensive.
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And people sometimes say,
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"Well, but
that's not being honest.
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That's just, you know,
pussyfooting around the thing."
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Yeah. And I don't
think that's true.
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No, I don't either.
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Because I think what it's doing
00:08:34.71\00:08:36.04
is protecting your relationship.
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It's my responsibility
to protect the relationship.
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So if I'm gonna come
out with guns blaring,
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that's not
protecting the relationship,
00:08:45.45\00:08:47.06
it's not protecting you.
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You leave me
wounded. Absolutely.
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I've got holes all through me.
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Bleeding. And what
am I gaining by that?
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Nothing. I put distance there.
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Yeah.
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You made me
angry at you or hurt,
00:08:55.36\00:08:57.10
and I'm not gonna
trust you anymore,
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and I'm certainly not
gonna do what you want me to do.
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Oh, no. You know.
00:09:00.57\00:09:02.07
Dig the heels in or withdraw,
00:09:02.10\00:09:03.74
those are the two
responses you get.
00:09:03.77\00:09:05.14
Yeah. Yeah.
00:09:05.17\00:09:06.51
You know, either you watch this.
00:09:06.54\00:09:07.88
You know, you think you didn't
like that, well, watch this.
00:09:07.91\00:09:10.15
And if there is, if
there is a compliance
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is be grudged compliance.
00:09:13.35\00:09:14.88
It's dreaded compliance.
It's angry compliance.
00:09:14.92\00:09:19.29
It's compliance
that brings no joy
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and so I'm grudgingly
complying all the time,
00:09:21.66\00:09:25.39
I'm seething
inside because of the pain
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that was caused
over this situation.
00:09:28.10\00:09:29.66
There is a big
difference between saying
00:09:29.70\00:09:32.43
"You know, I feel this way
when this happens than saying
00:09:32.47\00:09:37.71
you know, what you
do to me, you know."
00:09:37.74\00:09:40.11
You can see the finger pointing
and "I hate it when you do."
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Yeah.
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So the I
statements. Here's how I feel.
00:09:45.21\00:09:47.58
I feel, I see, I observe,
I wish, I, you know whatever.
00:09:47.62\00:09:53.29
I think whatever. I think.
00:09:53.32\00:09:54.69
It may be
whatever that has to do.
00:09:54.72\00:09:56.06
All those statements
rather than you this.
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So we're talking
about my personal experience
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in relationship
to what's going on
00:10:00.16\00:10:02.23
and how I wish those
things were different.
00:10:02.26\00:10:04.93
So it's a
non-accusatory non-attacking way
00:10:04.97\00:10:07.70
of making this request
or expressing your concern.
00:10:07.74\00:10:10.67
Now, there is
another motto that it goes,
00:10:10.71\00:10:13.54
it must go hand and glove
with this particular motto.
00:10:13.58\00:10:15.81
It's a partner because while
it's important as the speaker
00:10:15.84\00:10:19.81
when making the
request to make sure
00:10:19.85\00:10:22.65
that you are clear and
you are kind about that,
00:10:22.68\00:10:25.79
that's your number one priority.
00:10:25.82\00:10:27.66
You are the one
that is most responsible
00:10:27.69\00:10:30.06
for the message
that comes across.
00:10:30.09\00:10:32.83
It's also important
when you are the receiver
00:10:32.86\00:10:35.26
to do some things.
00:10:35.30\00:10:36.63
If I have to
receive that request,
00:10:36.67\00:10:38.70
it's my job to receive
it without defensiveness.
00:10:38.73\00:10:42.40
That's a tough thing, isn't it?
00:10:42.44\00:10:44.57
And again what we tell
people over and over again
00:10:44.61\00:10:46.98
in our seminars is defensiveness
00:10:47.01\00:10:49.41
is the enemy of intimacy.
00:10:49.44\00:10:52.45
You want intimacy,
you don't defend yourself.
00:10:52.48\00:10:55.65
How do you do that?
00:10:55.68\00:10:57.02
That's not easy,
especially if you feel like
00:10:57.05\00:10:58.55
you're constantly attacked.
00:10:58.59\00:11:00.89
But I know that you and I
have discovered in pastoral work
00:11:00.92\00:11:04.66
that people will
come to you and complain
00:11:04.69\00:11:06.36
and it feels very
much like an attack.
00:11:06.39\00:11:08.80
Sometimes the finger is
wagging and there is anger
00:11:08.83\00:11:12.40
and your tendency is
to want to defend yourself
00:11:12.43\00:11:14.80
because after all this
is an unjustified attack
00:11:14.84\00:11:16.77
and you're wrong
00:11:16.81\00:11:18.14
and your
information is misguided
00:11:18.17\00:11:19.51
and you don't know
what you're talking about
00:11:19.54\00:11:20.88
and you're just too mean
to talk to him right now.
00:11:20.91\00:11:22.64
You got a whole list.
00:11:22.68\00:11:24.01
Yeah, I got a
whole list of things.
00:11:24.05\00:11:25.38
But if I do that,
I'm being defensive
00:11:25.41\00:11:28.15
and I never get to the heart
00:11:28.18\00:11:29.52
of what's going
on with this person.
00:11:29.55\00:11:30.92
But if I will listen
without defensiveness
00:11:30.95\00:11:33.72
and try to find
the heart's desire
00:11:33.76\00:11:36.89
in this individuals'
anger and their pain
00:11:36.93\00:11:40.00
and their request and
their expression of concern
00:11:40.03\00:11:43.63
then I can find
a point of ministry
00:11:43.67\00:11:45.30
but I will never be able
to minister to this person
00:11:45.33\00:11:47.70
if I'm defending myself
or defending the institution
00:11:47.74\00:11:51.27
or defending what I've done.
00:11:51.31\00:11:52.67
It means, sometimes
I'm left bloody and beaten
00:11:52.71\00:11:56.24
but, you know what,
that's what I think about
00:11:56.28\00:11:58.21
how what it means
when the scripture says
00:11:58.25\00:12:00.52
"By His stripes we are healed.
00:12:00.55\00:12:02.62
He bored that for us."
00:12:02.65\00:12:03.99
Without
defensiveness, without complaint
00:12:04.02\00:12:05.75
He could have defended himself
00:12:05.79\00:12:07.12
but He chose not to
00:12:07.16\00:12:08.49
and it provides for our healing.
00:12:08.52\00:12:09.86
We have the
opportunity to heal each other.
00:12:09.89\00:12:12.46
By refusing to defend ourselves
00:12:12.49\00:12:14.46
and instead
saying, "I want to listen
00:12:14.50\00:12:16.97
until I can find
the point of concern.
00:12:17.00\00:12:19.37
The heart's desire
and what's bothering you
00:12:19.40\00:12:22.90
and then I can
minister to that point
00:12:22.94\00:12:24.44
rather than to the
periphery over the anchor.
00:12:24.47\00:12:26.78
Most of the time when someone
comes to you and they say,
00:12:26.81\00:12:29.81
"I don't like this
about what you're doing"
00:12:29.84\00:12:32.68
there is really,
it's not about that.
00:12:32.71\00:12:34.68
It's not about
that surface issue
00:12:34.72\00:12:36.85
and that's true
in our marriages.
00:12:36.89\00:12:38.52
It's something deeper.
00:12:38.55\00:12:39.89
It's not usually,
you know, we have,
00:12:39.92\00:12:42.32
we have fights
over socks on the floor
00:12:42.36\00:12:44.43
or how to squeeze a toothpaste
00:12:44.46\00:12:45.99
or whatever and
it's not about that,
00:12:46.03\00:12:47.50
it's about something
that makes that important.
00:12:47.53\00:12:49.33
It may be over respect.
00:12:49.36\00:12:50.70
Yes. It may be over care.
00:12:50.73\00:12:52.77
There is a heart's desire there.
00:12:52.80\00:12:54.14
Yeah.
00:12:54.17\00:12:55.50
And I think its'
important to understand that
00:12:55.54\00:12:57.54
because when
you understand that,
00:12:57.57\00:12:58.91
you understand
that you're opening
00:12:58.94\00:13:00.28
the door to intimacy.
00:13:00.31\00:13:01.64
If I hear your heart's desire
00:13:01.68\00:13:03.01
and I hear that
without defensiveness.
00:13:03.04\00:13:04.98
Now, I can be open
to accommodating you.
00:13:05.01\00:13:07.88
I can be open to ministering
00:13:07.92\00:13:09.28
to that particular
need that you have.
00:13:09.32\00:13:11.05
Now there is a caveat to this.
00:13:11.09\00:13:13.05
There are times in
abusive relationships
00:13:13.09\00:13:15.99
where the attack is serious
where it's truly detrimental
00:13:16.02\00:13:19.83
and in those cases a
boundary needs to be drawn
00:13:19.86\00:13:23.16
so that you do not have
to be the recipient of abuse.
00:13:23.20\00:13:25.67
That's right.
00:13:25.70\00:13:27.04
So a boundary needs to be drawn.
00:13:27.07\00:13:28.54
But apart from an
abusive relationship
00:13:28.57\00:13:31.54
with just two people who may
even have a history of arguing
00:13:31.57\00:13:34.81
when that concern,
that criticism comes
00:13:34.84\00:13:37.01
if I can listen
without defensiveness,
00:13:37.05\00:13:40.02
I can hear your heart's desire
then we have an opportunity
00:13:40.05\00:13:43.65
to truly minister to
each other, don't we?
00:13:43.69\00:13:46.45
You know, a lot of this
comes from John Gottman's work
00:13:46.49\00:13:49.12
and if people want to
understand more about this,
00:13:49.16\00:13:51.19
they might look at John
and Julie Gottman's work
00:13:51.23\00:13:53.23
from the National
Marriage Institute.
00:13:53.26\00:13:54.63
That's right,
so we encourage you
00:13:54.66\00:13:57.67
to find a way to
communicate with love.
00:13:57.70\00:13:59.63
Do it with gentleness
00:13:59.67\00:14:01.17
because we want you to
be madly in love forever.
00:14:01.20\00:14:03.81