Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000084A
|
00:19 Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hand."
00:21 We're Mike and Gayle Tucker 00:22 from Faith For Today Television. 00:24 We're the co-host of our flagship programs 00:26 with that ministry, 00:28 Lifestyle Magazine and Mad About Marriage. 00:30 And we're honored to be here today 00:33 as we talk about Marriage in God's Hand. 00:35 We've been taking about Mottos for Marriage. 00:37 We ask successful couples 00:39 to share with us that they had a motto 00:41 of guiding principle that help make their marriage work 00:44 and we found that those were in three different areas. 00:47 First was to Choose and then Connect 00:50 and then the third area was Communicate. 00:52 And we've dealt quite a bit with the area of Choose 00:56 and this last show we dealt with Connect. 00:59 We like do one more Connect 01:00 before we move on to Communicate. 01:03 This is one of my favorite connection ones 01:05 because it talks about the humor connection. 01:08 You know, humor is very, very important part 01:11 of the relationship especially in marriage relationship. 01:14 Humor, when people are dating, humor tends to be a magnet. 01:20 In fact, if you Google humor and marriage, 01:22 you will find all kinds of research that tells you 01:25 that humor is one of the most important things 01:28 for maintaining a healthy relationship 01:30 and just a healthy life in general. 01:32 It's also one of the factors that women sight 01:34 is to why they chose their husband 01:37 is because he made me laugh. 01:39 So humor is an important thing as far as drawing 01:42 of the opposite sex. 01:44 They ask women why did you marry your husband? 01:46 Way over the top of the list, he made me laugh. 01:49 Right, right. That's huge. 01:51 And I like what Jeff Johnson says, 01:52 there is a quote here it says, 01:54 "I know just how to make my wife laugh 01:57 and it's my favorite thing to do. 01:59 When we laugh together, I feel closer to her, 02:02 we share something." 02:04 Isn't that true? It is true. 02:05 You know, when you laugh together, 02:07 all of a sudden you are friends. 02:08 Yeah. That's right. 02:09 You think the same thing is funny, you laugh together. 02:12 There is a shared experience there. 02:14 There is a bonding experience that takes place with that. 02:17 In fact, the longer you're married, 02:19 the easier it is just to kind of look at something 02:21 and want to laugh without saying a word 02:23 because you got so much history over this issue, 02:26 that it automatically you know what's funny about this 02:29 and you know how you would share that with each other. 02:31 Yeah, you've got the inside jokes. 02:32 Yes. Yes. 02:34 Inside jokes come solely because of history. 02:36 History. You spend time together. 02:38 You had experiences together. 02:40 You can just look, you can nod, you know, little wink, 02:43 you know what it is. 02:44 With us there are experiences from our children growing up. 02:46 We can say a phrase at a particular time 02:49 no one else gets it 02:50 but it comes from raising our kids 02:52 and that phrase is just key to us, you know. 02:54 Yeah, one of them is when our daughter was little. 02:58 She was about three 02:59 and she was trying to follow a bigger group of kids up hill. 03:02 She was running behind them to try to keep up 03:05 and she fell down and she fell really hard 03:08 and we were worried about her 03:09 and we ran up there to try to help her. 03:12 And she got up and she looked around 03:14 and she looked at her knees 03:15 and brushed them off and she says, 03:17 "I won't care if that hurt." 03:19 And she got up and she ran off. Ran. 03:20 So for us-- 03:22 It is more important to keep up with the other kids 03:23 than it was to cry over the hurt so. 03:24 Exactly. 03:26 All we have to do now say, "I don't care if that hurt." 03:27 That's right. 03:28 You know, and to us that means 03:30 I'm gonna keep going no matter what, 03:32 I don't care if it hurt. 03:33 And there is humor there 03:34 and yet there is also a source of inspiration there. 03:36 That's right. 03:37 But there are other things, you know, 03:38 that you go through life, you see your kids do things 03:40 or you have experiences together 03:42 and that creates this little inside joke 03:46 that only the two of you get and it really helps bond you. 03:49 It does, and those inside jokes sometimes 03:53 and the humorous mottos 03:56 that may sound a little odd on the surface, 03:59 sometimes carry with them a big principle. 04:02 And even though they may sound rough, 04:04 and the reason I say that is because we want to share 04:06 a couple of them that sound on the surface kind of bad. 04:09 Yeah. 04:10 One that came from Jacqueline says, 04:12 "You're stuck with me good, bad or ugly, 04:14 we're committed to each other." 04:16 Yeah. You are stuck with me. 04:17 Stuck with me. 04:18 Now, it depends on tone of voice there, doesn't it? 04:20 Of course. Of course. 04:21 And Erika sent one in. 04:23 She says, "You are here till you are dead 04:24 whether you like it or not." 04:27 You are here till you are dead, sorry. 04:29 Yes, sorry. You chose this. 04:30 You know, in an abusive relationship 04:32 that does not sound too good. 04:33 No. 04:34 But with a history together of joking and laughter 04:38 and love and the understanding, 04:40 yes, we are committed to one another. 04:42 All right, now that sounds kind of funny, you know. 04:44 You're here till you're dead 04:46 whether you like it or not, you know. 04:47 And sometimes something like that can even lighten the mood. 04:50 You know, when there's conflict things are tough. 04:52 You know you are not agreeing with each other. 04:55 You know, you can look over and say, 04:56 "You know, you're here till you're dead." 04:57 Yeah. Yeah. 04:59 Little smile 05:00 and all of the sudden the mood lightens 05:02 and you are like, yeah. 05:03 I see the big picture now. 05:04 And I want to be here till I'm dead. 05:06 Yeah. 05:07 I don't wanted to be any different. 05:08 Yeah, another one from Gary and Diane 05:10 and when they start to get heated, 05:13 they say something that on the surface just sounds 05:15 you gasp over it, you know. 05:17 But they look at each other when they start to get heated 05:20 in order to relieve the tension because of their history again 05:23 one will say idiot, the other say dummy. 05:25 And then they both say love you and the argument is over. 05:27 Yeah. Yeah. 05:28 Now, what? 05:30 You know, on the surface it looks absolutely ridiculous, 05:32 even frightening but because of their history 05:35 this makes sense 05:37 and that solves arguments for them. 05:38 It basically says, we don't even have to go into this. 05:42 We don't have to discuss 05:43 every little bit of this conflict. 05:45 Yeah. 05:46 I know that I don't agree with you. 05:47 I think you are an idiot. I don't agree with you. 05:49 I think you're a dummy. Okay, well, we still love each. 05:52 We still love each other, we like to move on. 05:54 And, you know, for them it works. 05:56 It works. Yeah. 05:57 And I know that our viewers, there are people out there 05:59 who have that little inside jokes. 06:00 Some of them may be shocked by some of these inside jokes, 06:03 others have got their own inside joke 06:05 that will be just shocking to someone else 06:07 but the truth is it works. 06:09 It's something that the two of you chuckle about. 06:11 And by the way there is a difference 06:12 between laughing at and laughing with. 06:15 That's right. 06:16 If I laugh at you, that is not so funny, 06:18 but if I laugh with you, 06:19 if you and I find the same thing to be humorous 06:21 and it's not at your expense. 06:23 One of my rules for humor is I never tell a joke 06:26 that will be at your expense, even if it's a great joke. 06:29 That's very much appreciated too. 06:30 Yeah. Yeah. 06:32 Either I would change the joke to be at my expense, 06:34 I just don't tell it because it's not worth it. 06:36 I don't want to tell a joke, 06:37 I don't want to say anything at your expense 06:39 even if it is a joke. 06:41 I'm not gonna go there 06:42 because I have too much respect for you. 06:43 So I have to respect you even in my humor. 06:46 That's right. 06:47 And these are not disrespectful, 06:48 these are things that they came up with 06:50 because of their history and they said, 06:52 "Yeah, it just reminds us we're together no matter what." 06:56 And I think you do have to be careful 06:58 because tone of voice 07:00 and what's happening at the moment 07:02 when you say anything like that, 07:04 you know, you don't want to be injuring the other person. 07:07 So you are not gonna just call someone an idiot. 07:09 No, of course not. 07:11 But you have to remember that tone of voice means everything 07:15 and history means everything. 07:16 Yeah. 07:18 But just connecting through humorous things 07:20 is very important. 07:21 Being able to laugh at each others jokes, it's greatness. 07:24 I love being married to you 07:26 because you have such a short memory 07:28 when it comes to my jokes. 07:29 I've cycled through, you don't know this 07:31 but I cycle through the same jokes every five years 07:33 and you keep laughing at them. 07:35 Now, I haven't had to learn new material. 07:36 You don't know that's not really true. 07:38 No, of course it is. Come on. 07:40 I just do that for your sake. Oh, too kind. 07:45 All right. 07:47 Well, let's move out of connection. 07:48 Let's move on to the next, 07:49 the next section of these mottos 07:52 which is communicate. 07:53 You have to know 07:55 how to communicate with each other, don't we? 07:56 Yeah. Yeah. 07:58 And there has to be a kindness of communication. 08:00 It's huge. 08:01 In fact, one person sent this in, they said, 08:05 "I will communicate my love for you daily 08:08 using words when necessary." 08:09 Oh, I like that. 08:11 I communicate my love to you daily. 08:13 So, communication has to do 08:14 with more than words, doesn't it? 08:16 Yes. 08:17 And that's what this motto recognizes, 08:20 that sometimes we use words and that's great, 08:23 but the tenor of our lives on a day-to-day basis 08:26 has to be one of saying, "I love you. 08:29 Well, I do shows that I love you, 08:31 my actions towards you." 08:33 Now, if I say, if I use the words I love you, 08:36 but my actions don't demonstrate that, 08:39 then what are those words mean to you? 08:41 Not much because the actions 08:43 are so much louder than the words. 08:45 Right, in fact, the words themselves 08:47 can become a strong negative rather than a positive 08:52 because you say this but you're yelling at me. 08:55 You know, you call me names. You make jokes at my expense. 08:59 You don't do anything to help me out. 09:01 Yeah, don't tell me you love me, 09:02 because I see what you do. 09:04 Right. 09:05 And I've heard so many people 09:06 in my office as a pastor tell me that and that, 09:09 you know, I see what she does or I see what he does 09:13 and then they say, "I love you." 09:16 And then those are hollow words at that point. 09:19 It doesn't mean anything to them. 09:20 So we have to communicate our love daily 09:25 moment by moment in everything that we do 09:28 and then the words mean something. 09:30 Yeah, that's true. 09:31 And sometimes we don't even have 09:32 to say the words then they know it. 09:34 Yeah, now, you grew in a home where the words 09:36 "I love you" were not said all that often. 09:38 They were not. 09:39 Yet love was communicated. Absolutely. 09:41 You know, there was no doubt that we loved each other. 09:45 My dad talked a lot about, 09:46 you know, we love each other as a family. 09:48 Aren't we blessed to love each other? 09:50 But we didn't say the words "I love you." 09:53 I seldom remember that. 09:56 In fact, when I want away to school, 09:58 I was in academy college, 10:00 you know, especially in academy I called my parents, 10:03 we talked to them every week. 10:04 I was so excited to talk to them. 10:06 Love the conversation 10:07 and I remember them initiating at that point, 10:10 ending the conversation by saying "I love you." 10:14 And I liked that they said it 10:16 and yet it was so different for me. 10:18 I didn't know how to just say, "I love you too" you know. 10:23 But there was no doubt in my mind that they love me. 10:28 So I had learned that they love me 10:30 by their general communication, 10:33 by the way they treated me, by the atmosphere in our home. 10:37 So yes, if you ask me did my parents love me? 10:40 Yes, they do, 10:41 you know, but we didn't use the words that much. 10:43 Yeah. Interesting. 10:45 But still the communication 10:46 was sent on a daily basis regularly. 10:49 I think that is important that we know 10:51 how our spouse wants that to be communicated. 10:54 Garry Smalley has written, 10:55 done his work on the love languages 10:58 and according to his theory, 11:00 you know, this is not a research based theory 11:02 that he has written his books on, 11:04 but it is of more observational and experiential 11:09 and a lot of people have benefited from his work. 11:11 Absolutely. 11:12 And so, he says that there is different love languages, 11:15 that some people want love communicated one way, 11:17 another person want some love communicated another way. 11:21 The key is to understand 11:22 what your spouse's love language is 11:24 and communicate in that way with your spouse. 11:26 Yeah, some of the ways might be, 11:29 you know, for some people giving of gifts, 11:32 that means love. 11:33 That just spells love 11:34 and they want to buy gifts for the other person, 11:36 they want to receive gifts. 11:37 Or make gifts. 11:38 It doesn't have to be an expensive thing. 11:40 Just the token, the idea, here's my gift to you. 11:42 Someone brought me a gift. Yes. 11:44 Or I was able to give a gift, that's their language of love. 11:47 Other people that really is the words. 11:49 The words. To say "I love you." 11:51 To say, "I really like the way you look today. 11:54 I appreciate it what you did for me yesterday. 11:58 You know, thank you for making this." 11:59 It's the words. Yeah. 12:01 With you, it's not so much saying I love you 12:04 but just saying it in the soft tone of voice. 12:06 I can ask you to take out the trash 12:08 in a soft tone of voice and it feels loving to you. 12:09 Yeah. 12:11 Just be nice. Just be nice. 12:14 But for other people, 12:15 you know, it is doing something physical for them. 12:18 It's an act of service, an act of kindness, 12:20 but recognizing how it is that your spouse 12:23 wants love communicated and then beginning 12:26 to show the love as well as say the love, 12:30 so that the message comes through loud and clear. 12:32 Again, it's gonna be congruent, 12:35 if indeed you say one thing and do another 12:37 or you behave one way over here that is unloving 12:40 and another way over here that is loving, 12:42 that's a double message. 12:43 It's a mix message 12:45 and that sends the wrong message to our spouse. 12:48 We need to be congruent with our words 12:50 or with our actions or with all of them 12:52 pointing in the same general direction. 12:54 I want to communicate my love to you 12:56 on a daily basis. 12:58 I'll use words when necessary, 13:00 but I always want you to know how much I do love you 13:03 and care for you and appreciate you. 13:05 All right. 13:06 We're gonna take a break on that note. 13:07 We're gonna be back in just a moment. 13:09 So stay tuned 13:11 and we will be right back after this. |
Revised 2016-04-11