Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hand." 00:00:19.38\00:00:21.32 We're Mike and Gayle Tucker 00:00:21.35\00:00:22.68 from Faith For Today Television. 00:00:22.72\00:00:24.05 We're the co-host of our flagship programs 00:00:24.09\00:00:26.82 with that ministry, 00:00:26.86\00:00:28.19 Lifestyle Magazine and Mad About Marriage. 00:00:28.22\00:00:30.93 And we're honored to be here today 00:00:30.96\00:00:33.03 as we talk about Marriage in God's Hand. 00:00:33.06\00:00:35.66 We've been taking about Mottos for Marriage. 00:00:35.70\00:00:37.93 We ask successful couples 00:00:37.97\00:00:39.30 to share with us that they had a motto 00:00:39.33\00:00:41.70 of guiding principle that help make their marriage work 00:00:41.74\00:00:44.41 and we found that those were in three different areas. 00:00:44.44\00:00:47.14 First was to Choose and then Connect 00:00:47.18\00:00:50.41 and then the third area was Communicate. 00:00:50.45\00:00:52.81 And we've dealt quite a bit with the area of Choose 00:00:52.85\00:00:56.32 and this last show we dealt with Connect. 00:00:56.35\00:00:59.25 We like do one more Connect 00:00:59.29\00:01:00.62 before we move on to Communicate. 00:01:00.66\00:01:03.49 This is one of my favorite connection ones 00:01:03.53\00:01:05.63 because it talks about the humor connection. 00:01:05.66\00:01:08.40 You know, humor is very, very important part 00:01:08.43\00:01:11.23 of the relationship especially in marriage relationship. 00:01:11.27\00:01:14.44 Humor, when people are dating, humor tends to be a magnet. 00:01:14.47\00:01:20.08 In fact, if you Google humor and marriage, 00:01:20.11\00:01:22.81 you will find all kinds of research that tells you 00:01:22.84\00:01:25.95 that humor is one of the most important things 00:01:25.98\00:01:28.18 for maintaining a healthy relationship 00:01:28.22\00:01:30.39 and just a healthy life in general. 00:01:30.42\00:01:32.29 It's also one of the factors that women sight 00:01:32.32\00:01:34.79 is to why they chose their husband 00:01:34.82\00:01:37.66 is because he made me laugh. 00:01:37.69\00:01:39.59 So humor is an important thing as far as drawing 00:01:39.63\00:01:42.86 of the opposite sex. 00:01:42.90\00:01:44.63 They ask women why did you marry your husband? 00:01:44.67\00:01:46.53 Way over the top of the list, he made me laugh. 00:01:46.57\00:01:49.37 Right, right. That's huge. 00:01:49.40\00:01:51.07 And I like what Jeff Johnson says, 00:01:51.11\00:01:52.84 there is a quote here it says, 00:01:52.87\00:01:54.51 "I know just how to make my wife laugh 00:01:54.54\00:01:56.98 and it's my favorite thing to do. 00:01:57.01\00:01:59.55 When we laugh together, I feel closer to her, 00:01:59.58\00:02:02.45 we share something." 00:02:02.48\00:02:04.22 Isn't that true? It is true. 00:02:04.25\00:02:05.69 You know, when you laugh together, 00:02:05.72\00:02:07.06 all of a sudden you are friends. 00:02:07.09\00:02:08.42 Yeah. That's right. 00:02:08.46\00:02:09.79 You think the same thing is funny, you laugh together. 00:02:09.82\00:02:12.09 There is a shared experience there. 00:02:12.13\00:02:14.36 There is a bonding experience that takes place with that. 00:02:14.40\00:02:17.00 In fact, the longer you're married, 00:02:17.03\00:02:19.27 the easier it is just to kind of look at something 00:02:19.30\00:02:21.40 and want to laugh without saying a word 00:02:21.44\00:02:23.00 because you got so much history over this issue, 00:02:23.04\00:02:26.81 that it automatically you know what's funny about this 00:02:26.84\00:02:29.88 and you know how you would share that with each other. 00:02:29.91\00:02:31.25 Yeah, you've got the inside jokes. 00:02:31.28\00:02:32.61 Yes. Yes. 00:02:32.65\00:02:33.98 Inside jokes come solely because of history. 00:02:34.02\00:02:36.28 History. You spend time together. 00:02:36.32\00:02:38.15 You had experiences together. 00:02:38.19\00:02:40.09 You can just look, you can nod, you know, little wink, 00:02:40.12\00:02:43.16 you know what it is. 00:02:43.19\00:02:44.53 With us there are experiences from our children growing up. 00:02:44.56\00:02:46.80 We can say a phrase at a particular time 00:02:46.83\00:02:49.23 no one else gets it 00:02:49.26\00:02:50.60 but it comes from raising our kids 00:02:50.63\00:02:52.80 and that phrase is just key to us, you know. 00:02:52.83\00:02:54.90 Yeah, one of them is when our daughter was little. 00:02:54.94\00:02:58.21 She was about three 00:02:58.24\00:02:59.57 and she was trying to follow a bigger group of kids up hill. 00:02:59.61\00:03:02.84 She was running behind them to try to keep up 00:03:02.88\00:03:05.51 and she fell down and she fell really hard 00:03:05.55\00:03:08.52 and we were worried about her 00:03:08.55\00:03:09.88 and we ran up there to try to help her. 00:03:09.92\00:03:12.02 And she got up and she looked around 00:03:12.05\00:03:14.06 and she looked at her knees 00:03:14.09\00:03:15.79 and brushed them off and she says, 00:03:15.82\00:03:17.73 "I won't care if that hurt." 00:03:17.76\00:03:19.09 And she got up and she ran off. Ran. 00:03:19.13\00:03:20.66 So for us-- 00:03:20.70\00:03:22.03 It is more important to keep up with the other kids 00:03:22.06\00:03:23.40 than it was to cry over the hurt so. 00:03:23.43\00:03:24.77 Exactly. 00:03:24.80\00:03:26.13 All we have to do now say, "I don't care if that hurt." 00:03:26.17\00:03:27.50 That's right. 00:03:27.54\00:03:28.87 You know, and to us that means 00:03:28.90\00:03:30.24 I'm gonna keep going no matter what, 00:03:30.27\00:03:32.11 I don't care if it hurt. 00:03:32.14\00:03:33.48 And there is humor there 00:03:33.51\00:03:34.84 and yet there is also a source of inspiration there. 00:03:34.88\00:03:36.21 That's right. 00:03:36.24\00:03:37.58 But there are other things, you know, 00:03:37.61\00:03:38.95 that you go through life, you see your kids do things 00:03:38.98\00:03:40.68 or you have experiences together 00:03:40.72\00:03:42.72 and that creates this little inside joke 00:03:42.75\00:03:46.72 that only the two of you get and it really helps bond you. 00:03:46.76\00:03:49.59 It does, and those inside jokes sometimes 00:03:49.62\00:03:53.26 and the humorous mottos 00:03:53.29\00:03:56.16 that may sound a little odd on the surface, 00:03:56.20\00:03:59.03 sometimes carry with them a big principle. 00:03:59.07\00:04:02.50 And even though they may sound rough, 00:04:02.54\00:04:04.67 and the reason I say that is because we want to share 00:04:04.71\00:04:06.71 a couple of them that sound on the surface kind of bad. 00:04:06.74\00:04:09.44 Yeah. 00:04:09.48\00:04:10.81 One that came from Jacqueline says, 00:04:10.85\00:04:12.38 "You're stuck with me good, bad or ugly, 00:04:12.41\00:04:14.78 we're committed to each other." 00:04:14.82\00:04:16.15 Yeah. You are stuck with me. 00:04:16.18\00:04:17.52 Stuck with me. 00:04:17.55\00:04:18.89 Now, it depends on tone of voice there, doesn't it? 00:04:18.92\00:04:20.26 Of course. Of course. 00:04:20.29\00:04:21.62 And Erika sent one in. 00:04:21.66\00:04:22.99 She says, "You are here till you are dead 00:04:23.02\00:04:24.36 whether you like it or not." 00:04:24.39\00:04:27.70 You are here till you are dead, sorry. 00:04:27.73\00:04:29.06 Yes, sorry. You chose this. 00:04:29.10\00:04:30.80 You know, in an abusive relationship 00:04:30.83\00:04:32.20 that does not sound too good. 00:04:32.23\00:04:33.57 No. 00:04:33.60\00:04:34.94 But with a history together of joking and laughter 00:04:34.97\00:04:38.64 and love and the understanding, 00:04:38.67\00:04:40.11 yes, we are committed to one another. 00:04:40.14\00:04:42.68 All right, now that sounds kind of funny, you know. 00:04:42.71\00:04:44.75 You're here till you're dead 00:04:44.78\00:04:46.11 whether you like it or not, you know. 00:04:46.15\00:04:47.48 And sometimes something like that can even lighten the mood. 00:04:47.52\00:04:50.29 You know, when there's conflict things are tough. 00:04:50.32\00:04:52.95 You know you are not agreeing with each other. 00:04:52.99\00:04:55.12 You know, you can look over and say, 00:04:55.16\00:04:56.49 "You know, you're here till you're dead." 00:04:56.52\00:04:57.86 Yeah. Yeah. 00:04:57.89\00:04:59.23 Little smile 00:04:59.26\00:05:00.60 and all of the sudden the mood lightens 00:05:00.63\00:05:01.96 and you are like, yeah. 00:05:02.00\00:05:03.33 I see the big picture now. 00:05:03.37\00:05:04.70 And I want to be here till I'm dead. 00:05:04.73\00:05:06.07 Yeah. 00:05:06.10\00:05:07.44 I don't wanted to be any different. 00:05:07.47\00:05:08.80 Yeah, another one from Gary and Diane 00:05:08.84\00:05:10.87 and when they start to get heated, 00:05:10.91\00:05:13.17 they say something that on the surface just sounds 00:05:13.21\00:05:15.64 you gasp over it, you know. 00:05:15.68\00:05:17.35 But they look at each other when they start to get heated 00:05:17.38\00:05:19.98 in order to relieve the tension because of their history again 00:05:20.02\00:05:23.22 one will say idiot, the other say dummy. 00:05:23.25\00:05:25.22 And then they both say love you and the argument is over. 00:05:25.25\00:05:27.39 Yeah. Yeah. 00:05:27.42\00:05:28.76 Now, what? 00:05:28.79\00:05:30.13 You know, on the surface it looks absolutely ridiculous, 00:05:30.16\00:05:32.83 even frightening but because of their history 00:05:32.86\00:05:35.90 this makes sense 00:05:35.93\00:05:37.27 and that solves arguments for them. 00:05:37.30\00:05:38.63 It basically says, we don't even have to go into this. 00:05:38.67\00:05:42.04 We don't have to discuss 00:05:42.07\00:05:43.41 every little bit of this conflict. 00:05:43.44\00:05:45.07 Yeah. 00:05:45.11\00:05:46.44 I know that I don't agree with you. 00:05:46.47\00:05:47.81 I think you are an idiot. I don't agree with you. 00:05:47.84\00:05:49.91 I think you're a dummy. Okay, well, we still love each. 00:05:49.94\00:05:52.41 We still love each other, we like to move on. 00:05:52.45\00:05:54.75 And, you know, for them it works. 00:05:54.78\00:05:56.12 It works. Yeah. 00:05:56.15\00:05:57.49 And I know that our viewers, there are people out there 00:05:57.52\00:05:59.12 who have that little inside jokes. 00:05:59.15\00:06:00.79 Some of them may be shocked by some of these inside jokes, 00:06:00.82\00:06:03.46 others have got their own inside joke 00:06:03.49\00:06:05.16 that will be just shocking to someone else 00:06:05.19\00:06:07.56 but the truth is it works. 00:06:07.60\00:06:09.33 It's something that the two of you chuckle about. 00:06:09.36\00:06:11.27 And by the way there is a difference 00:06:11.30\00:06:12.87 between laughing at and laughing with. 00:06:12.90\00:06:14.97 That's right. 00:06:15.00\00:06:16.34 If I laugh at you, that is not so funny, 00:06:16.37\00:06:18.51 but if I laugh with you, 00:06:18.54\00:06:19.87 if you and I find the same thing to be humorous 00:06:19.91\00:06:21.84 and it's not at your expense. 00:06:21.88\00:06:23.51 One of my rules for humor is I never tell a joke 00:06:23.55\00:06:26.11 that will be at your expense, even if it's a great joke. 00:06:26.15\00:06:29.58 That's very much appreciated too. 00:06:29.62\00:06:30.95 Yeah. Yeah. 00:06:30.99\00:06:32.32 Either I would change the joke to be at my expense, 00:06:32.35\00:06:34.42 I just don't tell it because it's not worth it. 00:06:34.46\00:06:36.32 I don't want to tell a joke, 00:06:36.36\00:06:37.83 I don't want to say anything at your expense 00:06:37.86\00:06:39.69 even if it is a joke. 00:06:39.73\00:06:41.06 I'm not gonna go there 00:06:41.10\00:06:42.43 because I have too much respect for you. 00:06:42.46\00:06:43.83 So I have to respect you even in my humor. 00:06:43.87\00:06:46.00 That's right. 00:06:46.03\00:06:47.37 And these are not disrespectful, 00:06:47.40\00:06:48.74 these are things that they came up with 00:06:48.77\00:06:50.24 because of their history and they said, 00:06:50.27\00:06:52.34 "Yeah, it just reminds us we're together no matter what." 00:06:52.37\00:06:56.24 And I think you do have to be careful 00:06:56.28\00:06:58.11 because tone of voice 00:06:58.15\00:07:00.18 and what's happening at the moment 00:07:00.22\00:07:02.28 when you say anything like that, 00:07:02.32\00:07:04.02 you know, you don't want to be injuring the other person. 00:07:04.05\00:07:07.69 So you are not gonna just call someone an idiot. 00:07:07.72\00:07:09.66 No, of course not. 00:07:09.69\00:07:11.39 But you have to remember that tone of voice means everything 00:07:11.43\00:07:15.26 and history means everything. 00:07:15.30\00:07:16.63 Yeah. 00:07:16.67\00:07:18.00 But just connecting through humorous things 00:07:18.03\00:07:20.00 is very important. 00:07:20.04\00:07:21.67 Being able to laugh at each others jokes, it's greatness. 00:07:21.70\00:07:24.81 I love being married to you 00:07:24.84\00:07:26.51 because you have such a short memory 00:07:26.54\00:07:28.48 when it comes to my jokes. 00:07:28.51\00:07:29.94 I've cycled through, you don't know this 00:07:29.98\00:07:31.55 but I cycle through the same jokes every five years 00:07:31.58\00:07:33.78 and you keep laughing at them. 00:07:33.82\00:07:35.18 Now, I haven't had to learn new material. 00:07:35.22\00:07:36.69 You don't know that's not really true. 00:07:36.72\00:07:38.05 No, of course it is. Come on. 00:07:38.09\00:07:40.32 I just do that for your sake. Oh, too kind. 00:07:40.36\00:07:45.76 All right. 00:07:45.79\00:07:47.13 Well, let's move out of connection. 00:07:47.16\00:07:48.50 Let's move on to the next, 00:07:48.53\00:07:49.86 the next section of these mottos 00:07:49.90\00:07:52.17 which is communicate. 00:07:52.20\00:07:53.90 You have to know 00:07:53.94\00:07:55.27 how to communicate with each other, don't we? 00:07:55.30\00:07:56.64 Yeah. Yeah. 00:07:56.67\00:07:58.01 And there has to be a kindness of communication. 00:07:58.04\00:08:00.31 It's huge. 00:08:00.34\00:08:01.68 In fact, one person sent this in, they said, 00:08:01.71\00:08:04.98 "I will communicate my love for you daily 00:08:05.01\00:08:08.18 using words when necessary." 00:08:08.22\00:08:09.75 Oh, I like that. 00:08:09.78\00:08:11.12 I communicate my love to you daily. 00:08:11.15\00:08:13.19 So, communication has to do 00:08:13.22\00:08:14.62 with more than words, doesn't it? 00:08:14.66\00:08:15.99 Yes. 00:08:16.02\00:08:17.36 And that's what this motto recognizes, 00:08:17.39\00:08:20.33 that sometimes we use words and that's great, 00:08:20.36\00:08:23.16 but the tenor of our lives on a day-to-day basis 00:08:23.20\00:08:26.84 has to be one of saying, "I love you. 00:08:26.87\00:08:29.50 Well, I do shows that I love you, 00:08:29.54\00:08:31.24 my actions towards you." 00:08:31.27\00:08:32.97 Now, if I say, if I use the words I love you, 00:08:33.01\00:08:36.78 but my actions don't demonstrate that, 00:08:36.81\00:08:39.68 then what are those words mean to you? 00:08:39.71\00:08:41.82 Not much because the actions 00:08:41.85\00:08:43.85 are so much louder than the words. 00:08:43.89\00:08:45.52 Right, in fact, the words themselves 00:08:45.55\00:08:47.82 can become a strong negative rather than a positive 00:08:47.86\00:08:51.99 because you say this but you're yelling at me. 00:08:52.03\00:08:55.03 You know, you call me names. You make jokes at my expense. 00:08:55.06\00:08:59.67 You don't do anything to help me out. 00:08:59.70\00:09:01.37 Yeah, don't tell me you love me, 00:09:01.40\00:09:02.74 because I see what you do. 00:09:02.77\00:09:04.11 Right. 00:09:04.14\00:09:05.47 And I've heard so many people 00:09:05.51\00:09:06.84 in my office as a pastor tell me that and that, 00:09:06.88\00:09:09.54 you know, I see what she does or I see what he does 00:09:09.58\00:09:13.88 and then they say, "I love you." 00:09:13.92\00:09:16.58 And then those are hollow words at that point. 00:09:16.62\00:09:19.02 It doesn't mean anything to them. 00:09:19.05\00:09:20.96 So we have to communicate our love daily 00:09:20.99\00:09:25.16 moment by moment in everything that we do 00:09:25.19\00:09:28.46 and then the words mean something. 00:09:28.50\00:09:30.17 Yeah, that's true. 00:09:30.20\00:09:31.53 And sometimes we don't even have 00:09:31.57\00:09:32.90 to say the words then they know it. 00:09:32.93\00:09:34.27 Yeah, now, you grew in a home where the words 00:09:34.30\00:09:36.24 "I love you" were not said all that often. 00:09:36.27\00:09:38.04 They were not. 00:09:38.07\00:09:39.41 Yet love was communicated. Absolutely. 00:09:39.44\00:09:41.31 You know, there was no doubt that we loved each other. 00:09:41.34\00:09:45.01 My dad talked a lot about, 00:09:45.05\00:09:46.92 you know, we love each other as a family. 00:09:46.95\00:09:48.55 Aren't we blessed to love each other? 00:09:48.58\00:09:50.32 But we didn't say the words "I love you." 00:09:50.35\00:09:53.79 I seldom remember that. 00:09:53.82\00:09:56.62 In fact, when I want away to school, 00:09:56.66\00:09:58.56 I was in academy college, 00:09:58.59\00:10:00.00 you know, especially in academy I called my parents, 00:10:00.03\00:10:03.33 we talked to them every week. 00:10:03.37\00:10:04.70 I was so excited to talk to them. 00:10:04.73\00:10:06.30 Love the conversation 00:10:06.33\00:10:07.90 and I remember them initiating at that point, 00:10:07.94\00:10:10.81 ending the conversation by saying "I love you." 00:10:10.84\00:10:14.44 And I liked that they said it 00:10:14.48\00:10:16.61 and yet it was so different for me. 00:10:16.64\00:10:18.65 I didn't know how to just say, "I love you too" you know. 00:10:18.68\00:10:23.42 But there was no doubt in my mind that they love me. 00:10:23.45\00:10:28.16 So I had learned that they love me 00:10:28.19\00:10:30.89 by their general communication, 00:10:30.93\00:10:33.29 by the way they treated me, by the atmosphere in our home. 00:10:33.33\00:10:37.90 So yes, if you ask me did my parents love me? 00:10:37.93\00:10:40.34 Yes, they do, 00:10:40.37\00:10:41.70 you know, but we didn't use the words that much. 00:10:41.74\00:10:43.81 Yeah. Interesting. 00:10:43.84\00:10:45.27 But still the communication 00:10:45.31\00:10:46.94 was sent on a daily basis regularly. 00:10:46.98\00:10:49.48 I think that is important that we know 00:10:49.51\00:10:51.18 how our spouse wants that to be communicated. 00:10:51.21\00:10:54.02 Garry Smalley has written, 00:10:54.05\00:10:55.38 done his work on the love languages 00:10:55.42\00:10:58.05 and according to his theory, 00:10:58.09\00:11:00.19 you know, this is not a research based theory 00:11:00.22\00:11:02.52 that he has written his books on, 00:11:02.56\00:11:04.59 but it is of more observational and experiential 00:11:04.63\00:11:09.23 and a lot of people have benefited from his work. 00:11:09.26\00:11:11.17 Absolutely. 00:11:11.20\00:11:12.53 And so, he says that there is different love languages, 00:11:12.57\00:11:15.44 that some people want love communicated one way, 00:11:15.47\00:11:17.41 another person want some love communicated another way. 00:11:17.44\00:11:21.38 The key is to understand 00:11:21.41\00:11:22.74 what your spouse's love language is 00:11:22.78\00:11:24.78 and communicate in that way with your spouse. 00:11:24.81\00:11:26.75 Yeah, some of the ways might be, 00:11:26.78\00:11:29.12 you know, for some people giving of gifts, 00:11:29.15\00:11:32.12 that means love. 00:11:32.15\00:11:33.49 That just spells love 00:11:33.52\00:11:34.86 and they want to buy gifts for the other person, 00:11:34.89\00:11:36.22 they want to receive gifts. 00:11:36.26\00:11:37.59 Or make gifts. 00:11:37.63\00:11:38.96 It doesn't have to be an expensive thing. 00:11:38.99\00:11:40.33 Just the token, the idea, here's my gift to you. 00:11:40.36\00:11:42.26 Someone brought me a gift. Yes. 00:11:42.30\00:11:44.00 Or I was able to give a gift, that's their language of love. 00:11:44.03\00:11:47.24 Other people that really is the words. 00:11:47.27\00:11:49.07 The words. To say "I love you." 00:11:49.10\00:11:51.14 To say, "I really like the way you look today. 00:11:51.17\00:11:54.61 I appreciate it what you did for me yesterday. 00:11:54.64\00:11:58.15 You know, thank you for making this." 00:11:58.18\00:11:59.68 It's the words. Yeah. 00:11:59.71\00:12:01.05 With you, it's not so much saying I love you 00:12:01.08\00:12:03.99 but just saying it in the soft tone of voice. 00:12:04.02\00:12:06.52 I can ask you to take out the trash 00:12:06.55\00:12:08.12 in a soft tone of voice and it feels loving to you. 00:12:08.16\00:12:09.76 Yeah. 00:12:09.79\00:12:11.59 Just be nice. Just be nice. 00:12:11.63\00:12:14.50 But for other people, 00:12:14.53\00:12:15.86 you know, it is doing something physical for them. 00:12:15.90\00:12:18.43 It's an act of service, an act of kindness, 00:12:18.47\00:12:20.80 but recognizing how it is that your spouse 00:12:20.84\00:12:23.17 wants love communicated and then beginning 00:12:23.20\00:12:25.97 to show the love as well as say the love, 00:12:26.01\00:12:30.15 so that the message comes through loud and clear. 00:12:30.18\00:12:32.61 Again, it's gonna be congruent, 00:12:32.65\00:12:35.48 if indeed you say one thing and do another 00:12:35.52\00:12:37.92 or you behave one way over here that is unloving 00:12:37.95\00:12:40.39 and another way over here that is loving, 00:12:40.42\00:12:42.32 that's a double message. 00:12:42.36\00:12:43.96 It's a mix message 00:12:43.99\00:12:45.43 and that sends the wrong message to our spouse. 00:12:45.46\00:12:48.16 We need to be congruent with our words 00:12:48.20\00:12:50.27 or with our actions or with all of them 00:12:50.30\00:12:52.27 pointing in the same general direction. 00:12:52.30\00:12:54.74 I want to communicate my love to you 00:12:54.77\00:12:56.81 on a daily basis. 00:12:56.84\00:12:58.17 I'll use words when necessary, 00:12:58.21\00:13:00.14 but I always want you to know how much I do love you 00:13:00.18\00:13:03.14 and care for you and appreciate you. 00:13:03.18\00:13:05.05 All right. 00:13:05.08\00:13:06.41 We're gonna take a break on that note. 00:13:06.45\00:13:07.78 We're gonna be back in just a moment. 00:13:07.82\00:13:09.68 So stay tuned 00:13:09.72\00:13:11.05 and we will be right back after this. 00:13:11.09\00:13:12.59