Welcome to
"Marriage in God's Hand."
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We're Mike and Gayle Tucker
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from Faith For Today Television.
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We're the co-host of
our flagship programs
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with that ministry,
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Lifestyle Magazine
and Mad About Marriage.
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And we're
honored to be here today
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as we talk about
Marriage in God's Hand.
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We've been taking
about Mottos for Marriage.
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We ask successful couples
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to share with us
that they had a motto
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of guiding principle that
help make their marriage work
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and we found that those
were in three different areas.
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First was to
Choose and then Connect
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and then the third
area was Communicate.
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And we've dealt quite a
bit with the area of Choose
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and this last show
we dealt with Connect.
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We like do one more Connect
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before we move
on to Communicate.
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This is one of my
favorite connection ones
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because it talks
about the humor connection.
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You know, humor is
very, very important part
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of the relationship especially
in marriage relationship.
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Humor, when people are dating,
humor tends to be a magnet.
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In fact, if you
Google humor and marriage,
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you will find all kinds
of research that tells you
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that humor is one of
the most important things
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for maintaining a
healthy relationship
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and just a
healthy life in general.
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It's also one of the
factors that women sight
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is to why they
chose their husband
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is because he made me laugh.
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So humor is an important
thing as far as drawing
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of the opposite sex.
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They ask women why did
you marry your husband?
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Way over the top of
the list, he made me laugh.
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Right, right. That's huge.
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And I like what
Jeff Johnson says,
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there is a quote here it says,
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"I know just how
to make my wife laugh
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and it's my
favorite thing to do.
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When we laugh
together, I feel closer to her,
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we share something."
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Isn't that true? It is true.
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You know, when
you laugh together,
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all of a sudden you are friends.
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Yeah. That's right.
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You think the same thing
is funny, you laugh together.
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There is a
shared experience there.
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There is a bonding experience
that takes place with that.
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In fact, the
longer you're married,
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the easier it is just to
kind of look at something
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and want to laugh
without saying a word
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because you got so much
history over this issue,
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that it automatically you
know what's funny about this
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and you know how you would
share that with each other.
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Yeah, you've got
the inside jokes.
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Yes. Yes.
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Inside jokes come
solely because of history.
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History. You
spend time together.
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You had experiences together.
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You can just look, you can
nod, you know, little wink,
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you know what it is.
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With us there are experiences
from our children growing up.
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We can say a phrase
at a particular time
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no one else gets it
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but it comes
from raising our kids
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and that phrase is
just key to us, you know.
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Yeah, one of them is
when our daughter was little.
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She was about three
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and she was trying to follow
a bigger group of kids up hill.
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She was running
behind them to try to keep up
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and she fell down
and she fell really hard
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and we were worried about her
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and we ran up
there to try to help her.
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And she got up
and she looked around
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and she looked at her knees
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and brushed them
off and she says,
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"I won't care if that hurt."
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And she got up
and she ran off. Ran.
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So for us--
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It is more important to
keep up with the other kids
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than it was to
cry over the hurt so.
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Exactly.
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All we have to do now say,
"I don't care if that hurt."
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That's right.
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You know, and to us that means
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I'm gonna keep
going no matter what,
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I don't care if it hurt.
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And there is humor there
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and yet there is also a
source of inspiration there.
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That's right.
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But there are
other things, you know,
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that you go through life,
you see your kids do things
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or you have experiences together
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and that creates
this little inside joke
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that only the two of you get
and it really helps bond you.
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It does, and those
inside jokes sometimes
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and the humorous mottos
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that may sound a
little odd on the surface,
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sometimes carry with
them a big principle.
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And even though
they may sound rough,
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and the reason I say that
is because we want to share
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a couple of them that sound
on the surface kind of bad.
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Yeah.
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One that came
from Jacqueline says,
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"You're stuck with
me good, bad or ugly,
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we're committed to each other."
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Yeah. You are stuck with me.
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Stuck with me.
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Now, it depends on tone
of voice there, doesn't it?
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Of course. Of course.
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And Erika sent one in.
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She says, "You are
here till you are dead
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whether you like it or not."
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You are here till
you are dead, sorry.
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Yes, sorry. You chose this.
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You know, in an
abusive relationship
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that does not sound too good.
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No.
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But with a history
together of joking and laughter
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and love and the understanding,
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yes, we are
committed to one another.
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All right, now that
sounds kind of funny, you know.
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You're here till you're dead
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whether you like
it or not, you know.
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And sometimes something like
that can even lighten the mood.
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You know, when there's
conflict things are tough.
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You know you are not
agreeing with each other.
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You know, you can
look over and say,
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"You know, you're
here till you're dead."
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Little smile
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and all of the
sudden the mood lightens
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and you are like, yeah.
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I see the big picture now.
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And I want to be
here till I'm dead.
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Yeah.
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I don't wanted
to be any different.
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Yeah, another one
from Gary and Diane
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and when they
start to get heated,
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they say something that
on the surface just sounds
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you gasp over it, you know.
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But they look at each other
when they start to get heated
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in order to relieve the tension
because of their history again
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one will say idiot,
the other say dummy.
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And then they both say love
you and the argument is over.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Now, what?
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You know, on the surface it
looks absolutely ridiculous,
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even frightening but
because of their history
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this makes sense
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and that solves
arguments for them.
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It basically says, we
don't even have to go into this.
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We don't have to discuss
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every little bit
of this conflict.
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Yeah.
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I know that I
don't agree with you.
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I think you are an
idiot. I don't agree with you.
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I think you're a dummy.
Okay, well, we still love each.
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We still love each
other, we like to move on.
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And, you know,
for them it works.
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It works. Yeah.
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And I know that our viewers,
there are people out there
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who have that
little inside jokes.
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Some of them may be shocked
by some of these inside jokes,
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others have got
their own inside joke
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that will be just
shocking to someone else
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but the truth is it works.
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It's something that the
two of you chuckle about.
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And by the way
there is a difference
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between laughing
at and laughing with.
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That's right.
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If I laugh at you,
that is not so funny,
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but if I laugh with you,
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if you and I find the
same thing to be humorous
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and it's not at your expense.
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One of my rules for
humor is I never tell a joke
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that will be at your expense,
even if it's a great joke.
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That's very
much appreciated too.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Either I would change
the joke to be at my expense,
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I just don't tell it
because it's not worth it.
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I don't want to tell a joke,
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I don't want to say
anything at your expense
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even if it is a joke.
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I'm not gonna go there
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because I have too
much respect for you.
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So I have to respect
you even in my humor.
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That's right.
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And these are not disrespectful,
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these are things
that they came up with
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because of their
history and they said,
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"Yeah, it just reminds us
we're together no matter what."
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And I think you
do have to be careful
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because tone of voice
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and what's
happening at the moment
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when you say anything like that,
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you know, you don't want to
be injuring the other person.
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So you are not gonna
just call someone an idiot.
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No, of course not.
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But you have to remember that
tone of voice means everything
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and history means everything.
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Yeah.
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But just connecting
through humorous things
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is very important.
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Being able to laugh at each
others jokes, it's greatness.
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I love being married to you
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because you have
such a short memory
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when it comes to my jokes.
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I've cycled
through, you don't know this
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but I cycle through the
same jokes every five years
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and you keep laughing at them.
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Now, I haven't had
to learn new material.
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You don't know
that's not really true.
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No, of course it is. Come on.
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I just do that for
your sake. Oh, too kind.
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All right.
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Well, let's move
out of connection.
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Let's move on to the next,
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the next section of these mottos
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which is communicate.
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You have to know
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how to communicate
with each other, don't we?
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Yeah. Yeah.
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And there has to be a
kindness of communication.
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It's huge.
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In fact, one person
sent this in, they said,
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"I will communicate
my love for you daily
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using words when necessary."
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Oh, I like that.
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I communicate my
love to you daily.
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So, communication has to do
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with more than
words, doesn't it?
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Yes.
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And that's what
this motto recognizes,
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that sometimes we use
words and that's great,
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but the tenor of our
lives on a day-to-day basis
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has to be one of
saying, "I love you.
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Well, I do
shows that I love you,
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my actions towards you."
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Now, if I say, if I
use the words I love you,
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but my actions
don't demonstrate that,
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then what are
those words mean to you?
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Not much because the actions
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are so much
louder than the words.
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Right, in fact,
the words themselves
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can become a strong
negative rather than a positive
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because you say this
but you're yelling at me.
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You know, you call me names.
You make jokes at my expense.
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You don't do
anything to help me out.
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Yeah, don't tell me you love me,
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because I see what you do.
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Right.
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And I've heard so many people
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in my office as a
pastor tell me that and that,
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you know, I see what she
does or I see what he does
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and then they say, "I love you."
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And then those are
hollow words at that point.
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It doesn't mean
anything to them.
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So we have to
communicate our love daily
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moment by moment in
everything that we do
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and then the
words mean something.
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Yeah, that's true.
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And sometimes we don't even have
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to say the words
then they know it.
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Yeah, now, you grew
in a home where the words
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"I love you" were
not said all that often.
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They were not.
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Yet love was
communicated. Absolutely.
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You know, there was no
doubt that we loved each other.
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My dad talked a lot about,
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you know, we love
each other as a family.
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Aren't we blessed
to love each other?
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But we didn't say
the words "I love you."
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I seldom remember that.
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In fact, when I
want away to school,
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I was in academy college,
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you know, especially in
academy I called my parents,
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we talked to them every week.
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I was so
excited to talk to them.
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Love the conversation
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and I remember them
initiating at that point,
00:10:07.94\00:10:10.81
ending the conversation
by saying "I love you."
00:10:10.84\00:10:14.44
And I liked that they said it
00:10:14.48\00:10:16.61
and yet it was
so different for me.
00:10:16.64\00:10:18.65
I didn't know how to just
say, "I love you too" you know.
00:10:18.68\00:10:23.42
But there was no doubt in
my mind that they love me.
00:10:23.45\00:10:28.16
So I had learned
that they love me
00:10:28.19\00:10:30.89
by their general communication,
00:10:30.93\00:10:33.29
by the way they treated me,
by the atmosphere in our home.
00:10:33.33\00:10:37.90
So yes, if you ask me
did my parents love me?
00:10:37.93\00:10:40.34
Yes, they do,
00:10:40.37\00:10:41.70
you know, but we didn't
use the words that much.
00:10:41.74\00:10:43.81
Yeah. Interesting.
00:10:43.84\00:10:45.27
But still the communication
00:10:45.31\00:10:46.94
was sent on a
daily basis regularly.
00:10:46.98\00:10:49.48
I think that is
important that we know
00:10:49.51\00:10:51.18
how our spouse wants
that to be communicated.
00:10:51.21\00:10:54.02
Garry Smalley has written,
00:10:54.05\00:10:55.38
done his work on
the love languages
00:10:55.42\00:10:58.05
and according to his theory,
00:10:58.09\00:11:00.19
you know, this is not
a research based theory
00:11:00.22\00:11:02.52
that he has
written his books on,
00:11:02.56\00:11:04.59
but it is of more
observational and experiential
00:11:04.63\00:11:09.23
and a lot of people
have benefited from his work.
00:11:09.26\00:11:11.17
Absolutely.
00:11:11.20\00:11:12.53
And so, he says that there
is different love languages,
00:11:12.57\00:11:15.44
that some people want
love communicated one way,
00:11:15.47\00:11:17.41
another person want some
love communicated another way.
00:11:17.44\00:11:21.38
The key is to understand
00:11:21.41\00:11:22.74
what your
spouse's love language is
00:11:22.78\00:11:24.78
and communicate in
that way with your spouse.
00:11:24.81\00:11:26.75
Yeah, some of the ways might be,
00:11:26.78\00:11:29.12
you know, for some
people giving of gifts,
00:11:29.15\00:11:32.12
that means love.
00:11:32.15\00:11:33.49
That just spells love
00:11:33.52\00:11:34.86
and they want to buy
gifts for the other person,
00:11:34.89\00:11:36.22
they want to receive gifts.
00:11:36.26\00:11:37.59
Or make gifts.
00:11:37.63\00:11:38.96
It doesn't have to
be an expensive thing.
00:11:38.99\00:11:40.33
Just the token, the
idea, here's my gift to you.
00:11:40.36\00:11:42.26
Someone brought me a gift. Yes.
00:11:42.30\00:11:44.00
Or I was able to give a gift,
that's their language of love.
00:11:44.03\00:11:47.24
Other people that
really is the words.
00:11:47.27\00:11:49.07
The words. To say "I love you."
00:11:49.10\00:11:51.14
To say, "I really like
the way you look today.
00:11:51.17\00:11:54.61
I appreciate it what
you did for me yesterday.
00:11:54.64\00:11:58.15
You know, thank
you for making this."
00:11:58.18\00:11:59.68
It's the words. Yeah.
00:11:59.71\00:12:01.05
With you, it's not so
much saying I love you
00:12:01.08\00:12:03.99
but just saying it in
the soft tone of voice.
00:12:04.02\00:12:06.52
I can ask you to
take out the trash
00:12:06.55\00:12:08.12
in a soft tone of voice
and it feels loving to you.
00:12:08.16\00:12:09.76
Yeah.
00:12:09.79\00:12:11.59
Just be nice. Just be nice.
00:12:11.63\00:12:14.50
But for other people,
00:12:14.53\00:12:15.86
you know, it is doing
something physical for them.
00:12:15.90\00:12:18.43
It's an act of
service, an act of kindness,
00:12:18.47\00:12:20.80
but recognizing how
it is that your spouse
00:12:20.84\00:12:23.17
wants love
communicated and then beginning
00:12:23.20\00:12:25.97
to show the love as
well as say the love,
00:12:26.01\00:12:30.15
so that the message
comes through loud and clear.
00:12:30.18\00:12:32.61
Again, it's gonna be congruent,
00:12:32.65\00:12:35.48
if indeed you say
one thing and do another
00:12:35.52\00:12:37.92
or you behave one way
over here that is unloving
00:12:37.95\00:12:40.39
and another way
over here that is loving,
00:12:40.42\00:12:42.32
that's a double message.
00:12:42.36\00:12:43.96
It's a mix message
00:12:43.99\00:12:45.43
and that sends the
wrong message to our spouse.
00:12:45.46\00:12:48.16
We need to be
congruent with our words
00:12:48.20\00:12:50.27
or with our
actions or with all of them
00:12:50.30\00:12:52.27
pointing in the
same general direction.
00:12:52.30\00:12:54.74
I want to
communicate my love to you
00:12:54.77\00:12:56.81
on a daily basis.
00:12:56.84\00:12:58.17
I'll use words when necessary,
00:12:58.21\00:13:00.14
but I always want you to
know how much I do love you
00:13:00.18\00:13:03.14
and care for you
and appreciate you.
00:13:03.18\00:13:05.05
All right.
00:13:05.08\00:13:06.41
We're gonna take a
break on that note.
00:13:06.45\00:13:07.78
We're gonna be
back in just a moment.
00:13:07.82\00:13:09.68
So stay tuned
00:13:09.72\00:13:11.05
and we will be
right back after this.
00:13:11.09\00:13:12.59