Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000083B
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00:01 Welcome back.
00:02 We are talking about Mottos for Marriage. 00:05 Mottos that make marriage work. 00:07 We've been sharing with you things 00:09 that our Facebook friends on Mad About Marriage 00:11 have shared with us 00:13 that has made their marriage work. 00:15 And we've been talking first of all about a section 00:18 that, well, first it was choose. 00:21 To choose to be connected. 00:23 And now we're connecting. Connecting. 00:25 Yeah. And then we will talk about communicate. 00:28 But right now, it's connection 00:29 and the first motto was simply be nice. 00:32 Just be nice. 00:33 Just be nice. 00:34 And so let's from there, let's go to the next motto. 00:36 Well, the second way to connect has to do 00:38 with literally connecting with time 00:41 because it says, never stop dating your spouse. 00:45 Never stop spending the time to go out 00:48 and do something special. 00:50 Never stop dating in terms of wanting to let them know 00:54 how special they are, you know, 00:56 and thinking of wonderful things to do together. 00:58 Yeah. You know, that accomplishes several things. 01:00 First of all, it does give you 01:02 the time to focus on each other. 01:03 The dating, the rule for dating is 01:05 you can't talk about business. 01:06 You and I work together, so our dating rules, 01:09 we can't talk about church talk or business talk 01:12 or, you know, a ministry talk. 01:13 Well, since we are-- 01:14 Yeah, we're both pastors, that's all we can think of. 01:16 Yeah. That's all, that's all there is. 01:17 And so usually we have to start, 01:19 we're talking about the children 01:20 because that's the only other thing, 01:21 you know, our grandchildren, 01:23 that's the only other thing we can think about that, 01:24 to talk about that's not work-related. 01:25 But it's also not a time to solve problems. 01:27 This is just a time to connect and to have fun. 01:30 And that does something for us. 01:32 First of all, it does spend that time together, 01:33 so that we can connect 01:35 but also it keeps the romance alive. 01:37 Absolutely. 01:38 It keeps the fun alive and the romance alive 01:40 as you realize, I'm with somebody 01:42 I really like being with. 01:44 You know, dating was the thing 01:46 that brought you together in most cases. 01:48 In most cases. 01:49 Not for everybody but for most people. 01:50 They started doing things together that they enjoyed. 01:53 And, you know, that time was dedicated to one another 01:56 and that's one key about this too, 01:58 that you have to have some dedicated time. 02:01 I need time with you that I, 02:03 where I put everything else aside, 02:05 it's just time with you. 02:07 Because those are the moments that we make memories together. 02:10 That's right. 02:11 And, you know, again in our world today, 02:13 even today a great many marriages 02:16 are arranged marriages. 02:17 And that still has happened for people 02:18 we know in this country as we're in the United States, 02:21 but it's also happening for people all across the globe 02:25 who are watching perhaps this program, 02:27 maybe with dubbed over language, 02:29 that's okay too. 02:30 But the truth is that even in those arranged marriages, 02:33 we encourage them since you didn't take before marriage, 02:36 date after marriage. 02:38 Make sure that you have time just simply to play, 02:42 to have fun, to do something fun together. 02:44 Take the time to be with each other. 02:46 Never stop dating your spouse. 02:48 Yes. And that's really the definition of a date. 02:50 It's time together that is focused on each other 02:53 and an enjoyable time. 02:55 And it can be something very simple 02:57 as long as it's something that the two of you 02:59 enjoy doing together. 03:00 Because it gives you time for conversation, 03:03 gives you time to explore the other person's world, 03:07 what's going on with him right now. 03:10 Gives you time to just know them better. 03:12 Explore their opinions, their values. 03:15 And there is never a time when we don't stop-- 03:18 I'm sorry, when we don't need to get to know each other more. 03:21 Right. 03:22 We have to continue getting to know each other. 03:24 And a part of that is because 03:26 the person you're married to today 03:27 is not the same person you married 03:29 however many years ago because that person is changed. 03:31 Would change. Yeah. 03:33 So in practical terms, 03:35 what do we do if we want to start dating our spouse? 03:38 Well, here's my suggestion. 03:40 It's that both of you sit down and make a list of the things 03:42 you just really enjoy doing. 03:45 And I'll make my list, you make your list, 03:47 the things that I would really like to do with you 03:49 and you make a list of things you would like to do with me. 03:51 And then we exchange lists. 03:53 Okay. 03:54 And then we... So I have your list now? 03:55 Yeah. You got my list, the things I want to do. 03:57 And then we take terms. 03:58 First week, I'll find something on your list 04:00 and I'll make it happen for us at our date. 04:03 And the next week, you find something on my list 04:05 and you make it happen for us on our date. 04:07 And it doesn't have to be anything that cost money. 04:09 These can be free things to do. 04:11 Oh, yeah. Very simple things. 04:12 Yeah, very simple. 04:14 But I will take responsibility for making something 04:16 you want to do with me take place 04:18 and the next week you do the same thing for me. 04:20 And I think it's really helpful 04:22 when we make it a regular thing. 04:23 Yeah. 04:24 So, because you can look forward to it. 04:26 You know, we may be horribly busy, 04:28 we may have so much going on. 04:29 We don't know how we are gonna get everything in 04:31 but I can look forward to for us, 04:35 which is usually Thursday night. 04:36 You know, I can look forward to Thursday night 04:38 no matter how busy I'm, 04:40 how much we are separated from each other. 04:42 Thursday night, I know we're gonna be together. 04:44 So making it regular, I think it's helpful. 04:46 Now, you know, there are some people listening to this 04:48 say, "Well, have children. 04:50 How do we get away from the kids 04:51 because, you know, it's just impossible?" 04:53 And again, if you can't afford a babysitter, 04:56 which a lot of people can't, you are on a tight budget. 04:59 That's sometimes where church comes into play. 05:02 If you've got another family in the church with children 05:04 about your children's age, you can say, 05:06 "We will keep your kids Tuesday night 05:08 if you keep ours Thursday night." 05:10 And it doesn't mean they have to spend the night there, 05:12 just enough time for us 05:13 to have a couple hours together to do something fun. 05:15 Even a couple of hours. Yeah. 05:17 So you baby-sit for us for one night, 05:18 we will baby sit for you the next time. 05:21 We will trade off that way. 05:22 Both save the money and still both have the opportunity 05:26 to take time together. 05:27 And if you live close to extended family, 05:29 that's an other opportunity as well. 05:31 There are all sorts of options that you can engage in. 05:32 There are. 05:34 And this is something that you just have to be 05:35 intentional about. 05:37 Yes. 05:38 It's something that's not gonna happen on its own. 05:39 You have to be intentional. 05:41 And that's another thing that I like about the list idea 05:43 because it makes me intentional about thinking about you. 05:46 What can I do for Mike that he would really enjoy? 05:49 What can you do for me? 05:51 And it just draws us closer in that way, 05:54 it's another point of connection. 05:56 The other thing it does is it's just nice to have fun. 05:58 It is. 05:59 It's just nice to, you know, forget about work, 06:01 forget about the kids for a while 06:03 and the worries of the world 06:04 and just go be with someone I really enjoy being with 06:06 and simply do nothing both will have fun. 06:08 One of the reasons this is important, 06:10 I know it's important for women because women spell love 06:13 differently than men do. 06:14 They spell it T-I-M-E. 06:16 But another reason is important for men is that 06:18 men bond through shared activity. 06:22 Women tend to bond through shared emotion 06:24 but men bond through shared activity. 06:25 So when you do something active especially with a man. 06:28 Notice how men bond together? 06:30 They go play golf, they go hunting, they go fishing. 06:33 You know, they go to a ball game. 06:35 They do something together. They work on a car together. 06:37 They, you know, those are the kinds of things 06:39 that men do and they feel closer together as a friend. 06:43 They share the activity 06:44 and therefore they share the experience. 06:46 And so women, if you want to bond with your man, 06:50 you know, do something active with him. 06:52 Engage in that, whether it's bicycle riding or walking. 06:54 It's even sometimes easier for a man to talk 06:56 if he is doing something active. 06:58 Men talk better when they are playing catch 07:00 than they do when they are sitting knee to knee with you 07:03 and looking you and sweating profusely. 07:05 Feeling emotional. 07:06 Feeling emotional that could be overwhelming for a man. 07:08 Yeah. 07:09 So I think that's another thing, 07:11 it's to make sure that 07:13 these are active things for men. 07:16 Look back on the list of things 07:18 that maybe you did when you were dating. 07:19 Right. 07:21 If you haven't gone on a date in long time, 07:22 what are the things that we enjoyed doing together? 07:24 Look back at that list and do them. 07:26 Take your first date again. Yeah. 07:28 And I think the fun factor is huge too. 07:30 You know, sometimes spontaneity enters in here. 07:34 I can remember back when we were pretty young, 07:37 we just, we had one baby. 07:39 I think she was about, 07:41 you know, six or eight months old, 07:43 something like that. 07:44 And we had been out of town at a youth camp. 07:46 And we've been doing some work there, 07:48 doing some youth presentations and things. 07:51 And when we got done we were... 07:53 we packed up our stuff. 07:55 We are driving out of the gate of the camp 07:58 and for some reason, 07:59 we've never done anything like this before. 08:01 For some reason, we stopped there at the gate of the camp 08:05 and he looked to me and said, "What do you feel like doing?" 08:09 "Well, I don't know. 08:11 You want to do something fun?" 08:13 And, you know, we were just planning to go home 08:15 but we said, 08:17 "Well, we could turn that way and go home 08:19 or we could turn that way and go to San Antonio." 08:22 And we did, we went to San Antonio. 08:24 It was just a very spontaneous thing. 08:27 We went down there, we found a place to stay for a night. 08:31 We walked on the river. 08:32 Yeah. We just enjoyed it. 08:34 It's a great river walk in the city of San Antonio. 08:36 And a lot of good restaurants there 08:38 and it was just a romantic time for us together. 08:41 And I think it helped us realize 08:43 that we could do something spontaneous. 08:45 Even with a baby. Even with a baby. 08:47 It was something that we had not even thought of before. 08:51 And yet it was a memory for us. 08:53 We made a memory that we've never forgotten. 08:55 So never stop dating your spouse. 08:56 Yeah. 08:57 There is another motto that we need to get to 08:59 before this program is over. 09:01 And it's "Don't forget 09:03 the third person in the covenant." 09:04 That came from Tracy. Yeah. 09:06 Tracy said, "Don't forget the third person." 09:08 Who is the third person? 09:10 Now that's always God, isn't it? 09:11 And by the way, there's, you know, 09:13 preachers have said this for years, 09:15 "Family that prays together, stays together." 09:16 And this kind of thing. 09:18 Actually there is research that demonstrates 09:19 all of this as true. 09:21 That if both husband and wife are spiritually minded 09:26 and they practice that together. 09:27 They share their religious values 09:29 and they practice them, especially 09:30 when this is a grace-based approach to religion 09:33 rather than a rules-based or performance-based, 09:36 that it results in much higher levels of marital satisfaction. 09:40 Absolutely. 09:41 And so, but there is a second level of marital. 09:44 First level is that both husband and wife 09:46 do this together. 09:47 If you ought to be second best scenario, 09:49 it would be of only one of the two parties could be spiritual. 09:53 It needs to be the husband. 09:54 He has the second highest levels of martial satisfaction. 09:57 So if only one of them is? Yeah. 10:00 It's better for the family if it's the father. 10:02 If the father, yeah. Wow. 10:03 If he is the spiritual person, you get the second best level 10:07 of marital satisfaction. 10:08 Best is if both mother and father. 10:09 Absolutely. Husband and wife are spiritual. 10:12 But if only one can be, 10:13 the second best level of marital satisfaction is 10:15 if he is the spiritual one. 10:17 Third best is if she is the spiritual one. 10:20 And the worse is if neither one of them have experienced 10:22 any sort of spirituality. 10:24 And this tends to make the entire family 10:26 happier, right? 10:28 Spouses and children report being happier in marriages 10:31 where there is spirituality. 10:32 Absolutely. 10:34 So we know that the research is in. 10:35 And the research, time after time after time have validated 10:39 this particular premise that we, that as preachers, 10:42 you and I both preached about for years. 10:44 You know, "The family that prays together, 10:45 stays together and make Christ the center." 10:47 Well, the research actually backs it up which, you know, 10:50 big surprise that research will say, 10:53 "Well, God was right all along, who knew?" 10:54 You know. 10:56 I remember a family that I grew up with 10:58 and we grew up with the kids, 11:00 we went to school with them and stuff. 11:01 And the husband and wife, you know, 11:03 the mom and the dad were not on the same page spiritually. 11:07 The mom was a believer and a church-goer, 11:11 the dad was not. 11:13 And there was always this disconnect, 11:15 there was always a pull in that family 11:18 where the mom and kids were doing one thing 11:22 and dad was doing something else. 11:23 And they never felt connected. 11:25 And then eventually, his heart was changed and he found Jesus. 11:32 And I remember very distinctly the day that he came forward 11:37 in church and gave his heart to the Lord 11:39 and it was just this huge day of celebration for all of us. 11:43 But then we watched that family from that point on 11:46 and it was just a 180. 11:48 You know, they began, 11:50 they had always been close and loving one another 11:52 but now they have a common bond with the Lord 11:56 and throughout the rest of their lives really. 12:01 They maintained that until the day 12:03 that she passed away not long ago. 12:04 It makes a huge difference. 12:06 And you and I have seen this over and over again 12:08 with families where there is division 12:11 with the religious values and spirituality. 12:14 It can cause conflict, in fact. 12:15 Absolutely. 12:16 But where they are united, 12:18 where the two of you unite together and worship 12:20 and in prayer and in practice, it changes everything. 12:22 I tell you another place where this helps, 12:24 because marriages always go through, you know, 12:27 take you through ups and downs 12:28 and sometimes the down is a big down 12:31 and especially if there is something huge to be forgiven. 12:34 And in counseling, as I've helped couples 12:36 work through the process of forgiveness, 12:39 the steps of forgiveness and working through, 12:41 making sure that this is all taken care of. 12:43 Once they have said the "I forgive you's" 12:46 And, you know, "I'm sorry and I forgive you," 12:48 then sometimes we will seal that forgiveness 12:50 by doing something special. 12:52 The three of us alone and the pastor study 12:55 will have communion. 12:56 And as they wash one another's feet, 12:58 I talk about the example of Christ, 13:01 washing away the past, washing away our sins. 13:04 And there they are washing each other's feet 13:06 just like Jesus washed his disciples' feet. 13:08 Such a sweetness. 13:09 Oh, there is a sweetness. 13:11 And then the partake you of the bread and the wine. 13:12 And as we do that I share with them what this symbolizes, 13:15 Christ body broken for you covering your, your sins, 13:18 he has taken it away. 13:20 He is the sacrifice for you. 13:22 Christ blood shed for your sins. 13:24 And very often when I do that, I realize after that is over 13:29 and we are about ready to have the prayer, 13:31 I realize that I'm an intruder. 13:34 There are four in the room and there need to be three. 13:36 I need to absent myself 13:37 so that the Holy Spirit can be with these two 13:40 because the moment is far too intimate for me to share. 13:43 And so I just walk out at times. 13:46 We should never forget that third person in that covenant. 13:48 He makes all the difference in the world, 13:51 all the difference in the world. 13:52 We recommend Him to you as well. 13:55 Make Him the third person in your covenant 13:57 so you can be madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-04-11