Welcome back.
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We are talking
about Mottos for Marriage.
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Mottos that make marriage work.
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We've been
sharing with you things
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that our Facebook
friends on Mad About Marriage
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have shared with us
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that has made
their marriage work.
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And we've been talking
first of all about a section
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that, well, first it was choose.
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To choose to be connected.
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And now we're
connecting. Connecting.
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Yeah. And then we will
talk about communicate.
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But right now, it's connection
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and the first
motto was simply be nice.
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Just be nice.
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Just be nice.
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And so let's from there,
let's go to the next motto.
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Well, the second
way to connect has to do
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with literally
connecting with time
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because it says, never
stop dating your spouse.
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Never stop
spending the time to go out
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and do something special.
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Never stop dating in terms
of wanting to let them know
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how special they are, you know,
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and thinking of
wonderful things to do together.
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Yeah. You know, that
accomplishes several things.
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First of all, it does give you
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the time to focus on each other.
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The dating, the
rule for dating is
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you can't talk about business.
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You and I work
together, so our dating rules,
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we can't talk about
church talk or business talk
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or, you know, a ministry talk.
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Well, since we are--
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Yeah, we're both pastors,
that's all we can think of.
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Yeah. That's all,
that's all there is.
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And so usually we have to start,
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we're talking about the children
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because that's
the only other thing,
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you know, our grandchildren,
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that's the only other
thing we can think about that,
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to talk about
that's not work-related.
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But it's also not a
time to solve problems.
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This is just a time to
connect and to have fun.
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And that does something for us.
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First of all, it does
spend that time together,
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so that we can connect
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but also it keeps
the romance alive.
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Absolutely.
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It keeps the fun
alive and the romance alive
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as you realize,
I'm with somebody
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I really like being with.
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You know, dating was the thing
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that brought you
together in most cases.
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In most cases.
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Not for everybody
but for most people.
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They started doing things
together that they enjoyed.
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And, you know, that time
was dedicated to one another
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and that's one
key about this too,
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that you have to
have some dedicated time.
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I need time with you that I,
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where I put
everything else aside,
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it's just time with you.
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Because those are the moments
that we make memories together.
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That's right.
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And, you know,
again in our world today,
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even today a
great many marriages
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are arranged marriages.
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And that still has
happened for people
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we know in this country as
we're in the United States,
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but it's also happening
for people all across the globe
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who are watching
perhaps this program,
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maybe with dubbed over language,
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that's okay too.
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But the truth is that even
in those arranged marriages,
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we encourage them since you
didn't take before marriage,
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date after marriage.
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Make sure that you have
time just simply to play,
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to have fun, to do
something fun together.
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Take the time to
be with each other.
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Never stop dating your spouse.
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Yes. And that's really
the definition of a date.
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It's time together that
is focused on each other
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and an enjoyable time.
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And it can be
something very simple
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as long as it's
something that the two of you
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enjoy doing together.
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Because it gives you
time for conversation,
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gives you time to explore
the other person's world,
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what's going on
with him right now.
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Gives you time to
just know them better.
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Explore their
opinions, their values.
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And there is never a
time when we don't stop--
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I'm sorry, when we don't need
to get to know each other more.
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Right.
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We have to continue
getting to know each other.
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And a part of that is because
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the person
you're married to today
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is not the same
person you married
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however many years ago
because that person is changed.
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Would change. Yeah.
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So in practical terms,
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what do we do if we want
to start dating our spouse?
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Well, here's my suggestion.
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It's that both of you sit down
and make a list of the things
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you just really enjoy doing.
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And I'll make my
list, you make your list,
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the things that I would
really like to do with you
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and you make a list of things
you would like to do with me.
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And then we exchange lists.
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Okay.
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And then we... So
I have your list now?
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Yeah. You got my list,
the things I want to do.
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And then we take terms.
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First week, I'll find
something on your list
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and I'll make it
happen for us at our date.
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And the next week, you
find something on my list
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and you make it
happen for us on our date.
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And it doesn't have to
be anything that cost money.
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These can be free things to do.
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Oh, yeah. Very simple things.
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Yeah, very simple.
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But I will take responsibility
for making something
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you want to do
with me take place
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and the next week you
do the same thing for me.
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And I think it's really helpful
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when we make it a regular thing.
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Yeah.
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So, because you
can look forward to it.
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You know, we may
be horribly busy,
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we may have so much going on.
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We don't know how we
are gonna get everything in
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but I can look
forward to for us,
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which is usually Thursday night.
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You know, I can look
forward to Thursday night
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no matter how busy I'm,
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how much we are
separated from each other.
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Thursday night, I know
we're gonna be together.
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So making it
regular, I think it's helpful.
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Now, you know, there are
some people listening to this
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say, "Well, have children.
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How do we get away from the kids
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because, you know,
it's just impossible?"
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And again, if you
can't afford a babysitter,
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which a lot of people can't,
you are on a tight budget.
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That's sometimes where
church comes into play.
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If you've got another family
in the church with children
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about your
children's age, you can say,
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"We will keep
your kids Tuesday night
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if you keep
ours Thursday night."
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And it doesn't mean they
have to spend the night there,
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just enough time for us
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to have a couple hours
together to do something fun.
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Even a couple of hours. Yeah.
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So you baby-sit
for us for one night,
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we will baby sit
for you the next time.
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We will trade off that way.
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Both save the money and
still both have the opportunity
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to take time together.
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And if you live
close to extended family,
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that's an other
opportunity as well.
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There are all sorts of
options that you can engage in.
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There are.
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And this is something
that you just have to be
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intentional about.
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Yes.
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It's something that's
not gonna happen on its own.
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You have to be intentional.
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And that's another thing
that I like about the list idea
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because it makes me intentional
about thinking about you.
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What can I do for Mike
that he would really enjoy?
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What can you do for me?
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And it just draws
us closer in that way,
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it's another
point of connection.
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The other thing it does is
it's just nice to have fun.
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It is.
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It's just nice to, you
know, forget about work,
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forget about
the kids for a while
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and the worries of the world
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and just go be with someone
I really enjoy being with
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and simply do
nothing both will have fun.
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One of the
reasons this is important,
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I know it's important for
women because women spell love
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differently than men do.
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They spell it T-I-M-E.
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But another reason is
important for men is that
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men bond
through shared activity.
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Women tend to bond
through shared emotion
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but men bond
through shared activity.
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So when you do something
active especially with a man.
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Notice how men bond together?
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They go play golf, they
go hunting, they go fishing.
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You know, they
go to a ball game.
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They do something together.
They work on a car together.
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They, you know, those
are the kinds of things
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that men do and they feel
closer together as a friend.
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They share the activity
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and therefore they
share the experience.
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And so women, if you
want to bond with your man,
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you know, do
something active with him.
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Engage in that, whether
it's bicycle riding or walking.
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It's even sometimes
easier for a man to talk
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if he is doing something active.
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Men talk better when
they are playing catch
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than they do when they are
sitting knee to knee with you
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and looking you
and sweating profusely.
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Feeling emotional.
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Feeling emotional that
could be overwhelming for a man.
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Yeah.
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So I think that's another thing,
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it's to make sure that
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these are active things for men.
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Look back on the list of things
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that maybe you did
when you were dating.
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Right.
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If you haven't gone
on a date in long time,
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what are the things that
we enjoyed doing together?
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Look back at
that list and do them.
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Take your first
date again. Yeah.
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And I think the
fun factor is huge too.
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You know, sometimes
spontaneity enters in here.
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I can remember back
when we were pretty young,
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we just, we had one baby.
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I think she was about,
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you know, six or
eight months old,
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something like that.
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And we had been out
of town at a youth camp.
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And we've been
doing some work there,
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doing some youth
presentations and things.
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And when we got done we were...
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we packed up our stuff.
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We are driving out
of the gate of the camp
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and for some reason,
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we've never done
anything like this before.
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For some reason, we stopped
there at the gate of the camp
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and he looked to me and said,
"What do you feel like doing?"
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"Well, I don't know.
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You want to do something fun?"
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And, you know, we were
just planning to go home
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but we said,
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"Well, we could
turn that way and go home
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or we could turn that
way and go to San Antonio."
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And we did, we
went to San Antonio.
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It was just a
very spontaneous thing.
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We went down there, we found
a place to stay for a night.
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We walked on the river.
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Yeah. We just enjoyed it.
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It's a great river walk
in the city of San Antonio.
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And a lot of
good restaurants there
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and it was just a
romantic time for us together.
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And I think it helped us realize
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that we could do
something spontaneous.
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Even with a
baby. Even with a baby.
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It was something that we
had not even thought of before.
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And yet it was a memory for us.
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We made a memory that
we've never forgotten.
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So never stop
dating your spouse.
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Yeah.
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There is another
motto that we need to get to
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before this program is over.
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And it's "Don't forget
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the third person
in the covenant."
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That came from Tracy. Yeah.
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Tracy said, "Don't
forget the third person."
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Who is the third person?
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Now that's always God, isn't it?
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And by the way,
there's, you know,
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preachers have
said this for years,
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"Family that prays
together, stays together."
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And this kind of thing.
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Actually there is
research that demonstrates
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all of this as true.
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That if both husband and
wife are spiritually minded
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and they practice that together.
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They share
their religious values
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and they
practice them, especially
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when this is a
grace-based approach to religion
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rather than a rules-based
or performance-based,
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that it results in much higher
levels of marital satisfaction.
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Absolutely.
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And so, but there is a
second level of marital.
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First level is that
both husband and wife
00:09:44.38\00:09:46.28
do this together.
00:09:46.31\00:09:47.65
If you ought to be
second best scenario,
00:09:47.68\00:09:49.62
it would be of only one of the
two parties could be spiritual.
00:09:49.65\00:09:53.05
It needs to be the husband.
00:09:53.09\00:09:54.42
He has the second highest
levels of martial satisfaction.
00:09:54.46\00:09:57.53
So if only one of them is? Yeah.
00:09:57.56\00:10:00.10
It's better for the
family if it's the father.
00:10:00.13\00:10:02.43
If the father, yeah. Wow.
00:10:02.46\00:10:03.80
If he is the spiritual person,
you get the second best level
00:10:03.83\00:10:07.14
of marital satisfaction.
00:10:07.17\00:10:08.50
Best is if both
mother and father.
00:10:08.54\00:10:09.90
Absolutely. Husband
and wife are spiritual.
00:10:09.94\00:10:12.04
But if only one can be,
00:10:12.07\00:10:13.48
the second best level
of marital satisfaction is
00:10:13.51\00:10:15.94
if he is the spiritual one.
00:10:15.98\00:10:17.91
Third best is if she
is the spiritual one.
00:10:17.95\00:10:20.62
And the worse is if neither
one of them have experienced
00:10:20.65\00:10:22.85
any sort of spirituality.
00:10:22.88\00:10:24.52
And this tends to
make the entire family
00:10:24.55\00:10:26.65
happier, right?
00:10:26.69\00:10:28.02
Spouses and children report
being happier in marriages
00:10:28.06\00:10:31.53
where there is spirituality.
00:10:31.56\00:10:32.89
Absolutely.
00:10:32.93\00:10:34.26
So we know that
the research is in.
00:10:34.30\00:10:35.93
And the research, time after
time after time have validated
00:10:35.96\00:10:39.63
this particular premise
that we, that as preachers,
00:10:39.67\00:10:42.17
you and I both
preached about for years.
00:10:42.20\00:10:44.51
You know, "The
family that prays together,
00:10:44.54\00:10:45.94
stays together and
make Christ the center."
00:10:45.97\00:10:47.71
Well, the research actually
backs it up which, you know,
00:10:47.74\00:10:50.61
big surprise that
research will say,
00:10:50.65\00:10:53.08
"Well, God was right
all along, who knew?"
00:10:53.11\00:10:54.75
You know.
00:10:54.78\00:10:56.12
I remember a
family that I grew up with
00:10:56.15\00:10:58.82
and we grew up with the kids,
00:10:58.85\00:11:00.36
we went to school
with them and stuff.
00:11:00.39\00:11:01.86
And the husband
and wife, you know,
00:11:01.89\00:11:03.83
the mom and the dad were not
on the same page spiritually.
00:11:03.86\00:11:07.43
The mom was a
believer and a church-goer,
00:11:07.46\00:11:11.70
the dad was not.
00:11:11.73\00:11:13.27
And there was
always this disconnect,
00:11:13.30\00:11:15.60
there was always a
pull in that family
00:11:15.64\00:11:18.77
where the mom and
kids were doing one thing
00:11:18.81\00:11:22.11
and dad was
doing something else.
00:11:22.14\00:11:23.95
And they never felt connected.
00:11:23.98\00:11:25.78
And then eventually, his heart
was changed and he found Jesus.
00:11:25.81\00:11:32.19
And I remember very distinctly
the day that he came forward
00:11:32.22\00:11:37.13
in church and gave
his heart to the Lord
00:11:37.16\00:11:39.83
and it was just this huge day
of celebration for all of us.
00:11:39.86\00:11:43.16
But then we watched that
family from that point on
00:11:43.20\00:11:46.17
and it was just a 180.
00:11:46.20\00:11:48.87
You know, they began,
00:11:48.90\00:11:50.24
they had always been
close and loving one another
00:11:50.27\00:11:52.47
but now they have a
common bond with the Lord
00:11:52.51\00:11:56.64
and throughout the
rest of their lives really.
00:11:56.68\00:12:01.02
They maintained
that until the day
00:12:01.05\00:12:02.98
that she passed
away not long ago.
00:12:03.02\00:12:04.92
It makes a huge difference.
00:12:04.95\00:12:06.29
And you and I have seen
this over and over again
00:12:06.32\00:12:08.32
with families
where there is division
00:12:08.36\00:12:11.36
with the religious
values and spirituality.
00:12:11.39\00:12:14.16
It can cause conflict, in fact.
00:12:14.20\00:12:15.53
Absolutely.
00:12:15.56\00:12:16.90
But where they are united,
00:12:16.93\00:12:18.27
where the two of you
unite together and worship
00:12:18.30\00:12:20.10
and in prayer and in
practice, it changes everything.
00:12:20.14\00:12:22.67
I tell you another
place where this helps,
00:12:22.70\00:12:24.91
because marriages
always go through, you know,
00:12:24.94\00:12:27.11
take you through ups and downs
00:12:27.14\00:12:28.48
and sometimes the
down is a big down
00:12:28.51\00:12:31.58
and especially if there is
something huge to be forgiven.
00:12:31.61\00:12:34.75
And in counseling,
as I've helped couples
00:12:34.78\00:12:36.79
work through the
process of forgiveness,
00:12:36.82\00:12:39.05
the steps of
forgiveness and working through,
00:12:39.09\00:12:41.36
making sure that
this is all taken care of.
00:12:41.39\00:12:43.83
Once they have said
the "I forgive you's"
00:12:43.86\00:12:46.63
And, you know, "I'm
sorry and I forgive you,"
00:12:46.66\00:12:48.56
then sometimes we
will seal that forgiveness
00:12:48.60\00:12:50.77
by doing something special.
00:12:50.80\00:12:52.50
The three of us
alone and the pastor study
00:12:52.53\00:12:55.17
will have communion.
00:12:55.20\00:12:56.77
And as they wash
one another's feet,
00:12:56.81\00:12:58.84
I talk about the
example of Christ,
00:12:58.87\00:13:01.34
washing away the
past, washing away our sins.
00:13:01.38\00:13:04.18
And there they are
washing each other's feet
00:13:04.21\00:13:06.21
just like Jesus
washed his disciples' feet.
00:13:06.25\00:13:08.32
Such a sweetness.
00:13:08.35\00:13:09.68
Oh, there is a sweetness.
00:13:09.72\00:13:11.05
And then the partake you
of the bread and the wine.
00:13:11.09\00:13:12.82
And as we do that I share
with them what this symbolizes,
00:13:12.85\00:13:15.82
Christ body broken for
you covering your, your sins,
00:13:15.86\00:13:18.86
he has taken it away.
00:13:18.89\00:13:20.43
He is the sacrifice for you.
00:13:20.46\00:13:22.26
Christ blood shed for your sins.
00:13:22.30\00:13:24.93
And very often when I do that,
I realize after that is over
00:13:24.97\00:13:29.24
and we are about
ready to have the prayer,
00:13:29.27\00:13:31.31
I realize that I'm an intruder.
00:13:31.34\00:13:33.98
There are four in the room
and there need to be three.
00:13:34.01\00:13:36.28
I need to absent myself
00:13:36.31\00:13:37.75
so that the Holy
Spirit can be with these two
00:13:37.78\00:13:40.45
because the moment is far
too intimate for me to share.
00:13:40.48\00:13:43.89
And so I just walk out at times.
00:13:43.92\00:13:45.99
We should never forget that
third person in that covenant.
00:13:46.02\00:13:48.82
He makes all the
difference in the world,
00:13:48.86\00:13:51.09
all the difference in the world.
00:13:51.13\00:13:52.83
We recommend Him to you as well.
00:13:52.86\00:13:55.10
Make Him the third
person in your covenant
00:13:55.13\00:13:57.20
so you can be
madly in love forever.
00:13:57.23\00:13:59.90