Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000083A
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00:18 Welcome to 'Marriage in God's Hand."
00:20 I'm Mike Tucker, this is Gayle Tucker. 00:22 We're with Faith For Today Television 00:24 and we are the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine 00:26 and Mad About Marriage. 00:29 We've been taking about Mottos for Marriage. 00:32 Successful couples have shared with us their secrets 00:35 of what makes their marriage work. 00:37 And we are now relaying them on to you. 00:39 What are the mottos that make their marriage work? 00:41 Now, we've talked about these mottos 00:43 being in three different categories. 00:44 They are. 00:45 We have Choose, Connect and Communicate. 00:48 Communicate. 00:49 So far we've been dealing with Choose. 00:50 We are gonna change gears now, go to Connect, aren't we? 00:52 That's right. 00:54 In this show, we are going to talk about connecting. 00:56 And it's really important that we know 00:58 how to connect with one another, 00:59 that we connect with our spouse. 01:01 This is what creates warmth 01:03 and closeness in the relationship. 01:06 When we connect with each other, 01:08 it allows us to kind of open doors 01:11 that wouldn't be open otherwise. 01:13 Steven Stosny and Patricia Love in their book 01:16 "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" 01:18 say that if we learn to connect with one another, 01:21 that we can actually open doors to be able to deal with issues 01:25 in our marriage that we might not have otherwise dealt with. 01:28 This is especially true for men. 01:30 Most men, not every man fits in this category. 01:33 Some men are open to talk 01:34 and anxious to talk to their spouse 01:36 but the majority of men are not. 01:39 And that's because of the issue of fear. 01:41 I mean, partly shame. 01:42 Women have fear but men have shame. 01:44 Basically, they are afraid that if indeed 01:46 we talk about these things, 01:48 it will be nothing more than a long list of the ways 01:49 in which they have failed 01:51 and that list will produce shame. 01:53 And that's the most powerful negative emotions 01:56 that they have in their life, so they want to avoid talking. 01:58 However, if indeed there is a connection, 02:01 where they are made to feel safe now 02:03 and we know you're accepted 02:04 and this is not about shaming you, 02:06 this is about two people finding, 02:07 working together as a team, 02:10 then they are open to that conversation. 02:11 That's right. 02:13 And connection is so important in many ways in life. 02:15 I remember seeing a video clip of a woman 02:19 who was talking about marriage 02:21 and she was reflecting on 02:23 what it really means to be married. 02:25 And this quote says this, she said, 02:28 "We need a witness to our lives. 02:30 There are billions of people on the planet... 02:32 I mean, what does one life really mean? 02:35 But in a marriage, 02:37 you're promising to care about everything. 02:39 The good things, the bad things, 02:41 the terrible things, the mundane things, 02:45 all of it, all the time every day. 02:47 You're saying, 02:49 'Your life will not go unnoticed 02:51 because I will notice it. 02:53 Your life will not go unwitnessed 02:56 because I will be your witness.'" 02:59 Now, you know, of all the things we want in marriage, 03:01 I think this may be one of the highest on the list. 03:06 We want to have our life matter to someone else. 03:09 We want to witness to our lives and when we learn to connect 03:13 with our spouse, that's what we gain, 03:15 that someone who cares about every detail of our lives 03:19 and they witness every moment of our lives. 03:22 You talk to people who have been married 50, 03:25 60 years and they begin to reminisce about 03:27 what is meant to be married together, 03:30 what all of that and sharing the stories 03:32 from each other lives, 03:33 not just their own life but each others lives. 03:36 You realize that they really truly have been a witness 03:38 to one another's lives, 03:40 that the life is not gone unnoticed. 03:42 It had significance, it had value. 03:45 Simply in the fact that it was 03:46 witnessed by another human being 03:47 someone who is important to you. 03:49 Well, you think about what happens 03:50 when a spouse passes away after, 03:53 you know, being married for many years. 03:56 The remaining spouse, 03:59 every moment of the day they will see things, 04:01 talk about things that remind them of that person. 04:04 You know, "She would have said this." 04:06 Or you remember, "He did that." 04:08 This was important to her. 04:10 They can recount all those things that 04:12 and as they were walking through life, 04:14 they might not have even been able to tell you about them. 04:17 But looking back they realize that every single 04:19 one of those things made an impression. 04:22 It adds value and significance to our lives 04:24 but also as we share those things 04:26 and we celebrate them together, 04:28 as we witness one another's lives 04:30 and we talk about that. 04:32 It brings us closer to each other 04:33 and makes a safe place for us 04:35 because we know we are cherished here, 04:37 we know we are valued here. 04:38 And in that safety, 04:40 we have the opportunity not to work out 04:42 any difficulties that we have, 04:43 to talk about issues to make what is good even better. 04:47 But it starts with a connection. 04:48 It does. 04:49 I want to feel close to you, you feeling close to me. 04:51 We're demonstrating to each other through that connection 04:54 that we are safe in working through these issues together. 04:58 That's right. 04:59 So when we asked the Facebook friends 05:01 for their mottos for marriage, 05:04 one of the first ones that we got back 05:05 came from a good friend of ours. 05:07 Yes. 05:08 Her name is Linda. 05:09 She is marvelous. We love Linda. 05:11 She is wonderful. 05:12 And Bob and Linda are good friends. 05:14 Known Bob forever in a day. 05:15 And Linda as well and they are great people. 05:17 Yeah. 05:18 And her motto for marriage was very simple. 05:22 She said, "Just be nice. It's too simple" she says. 05:26 And you know what, Linda really believes that. 05:28 Oh, she does. She practices it. 05:29 In fact, when we've been together as couples, you know, 05:33 you and I and Bob and Linda 05:36 and we will sit there and something will come up 05:37 and Linda will say, "Just be nice." 05:40 And we talk about how Linda and I have it figured out. 05:43 If you'll just be nice, that's really all you need. 05:46 Now, isn't that simple though? 05:49 I think it actually is because I don't know of anybody 05:53 that doesn't want someone to just be kind. 05:56 You know, you think of the crustiest, 05:58 roughest man in the world 05:59 but who doesn't want tenderness? 06:02 Even that person wants tenderness and kindness, 06:04 so I think it's an important concept. 06:07 And the tenderness and kindness is a part of it. 06:11 But also just courtesy, common courtesy. 06:14 There are some old fashion things 06:16 that men used to do for women that, 06:19 you know, we've gone through a time 06:20 when basically is considered to be sexiest to do these things 06:23 and I think that was way over the top. 06:25 Yeah. 06:26 And but some of us old salty standbys continue to do them 06:29 whether they were politically correct or not. 06:31 And they bring value to the relationship. 06:33 Just something as simple as opening a car door 06:36 or saying "please" and "thank you." 06:39 Minding your behavior, 06:41 your manners at the table, you know? 06:43 Just learning to be nice, 06:45 those common courtesies of everyday living 06:48 that we need to extend to one another. 06:50 Well, you know, if you maintain 06:51 just good manners around your spouse, 06:54 that says you are as important as, 06:56 you know, somebody else that we would go out to dinner with. 07:00 Or you are as important now as you were when we were dating. 07:03 You think about when you're dating, 07:05 you are on your best behavior, you don't do crude things, 07:09 you don't say crude things. 07:11 You are not gonna belch at the table when you are dating. 07:13 It's just really is not really a very romantic come out here, 07:17 you know. 07:18 But for some odd reason, 07:20 we think that once we get married this person, 07:24 you know, to whom we want to be, 07:27 with whom we want to be intimate, 07:28 that we want to care about us that is not gonna matter now 07:33 if we do all those things that are, you know, 07:35 fairly, you know, untruth. 07:38 Yeah, untruth. 07:40 You know, you and I have a good friend 07:42 that she is getting on in years now. 07:44 Her name is Virginia. We love Virginia. 07:47 And we've known, I've known her 07:48 since I was a kid in elementary school 07:50 and you've known her since... 07:51 Many years. 07:53 Since you and I have been married. 07:54 And she is marvelous. 07:55 But this is a woman of culture, 07:57 a woman of manners and she is very... 08:01 She is sophisticated. 08:02 She is sophisticated, she is very proper. 08:03 She is a lovely Christian lady 08:05 who is always behaving in the proper way 08:08 and her conversations with people, 08:11 her manners at the table, 08:12 she taught them to her children. 08:14 Her grandchildren would come over and visit 08:15 and they would have a lesson on manners from Virginia, 08:18 from grandma. 08:19 And we have often remarked about her 08:22 as we look at people in the world, 08:24 that there may only be two cultured people 08:26 left on the planet and Virginia is one of them. 08:28 For sure. We know her. Yeah. 08:30 If there are only two left on the planet Virginia 08:32 is definitely one of them. 08:34 We know that for sure. 08:35 And then we will be out in public 08:36 and we will see someone do something that's rather crude. 08:39 And we look at each other 08:40 and say, "Well, that's not the other one." 08:42 Yeah. 08:44 If there are only cultured people left in the planet, 08:45 Virginia is one, that's not the other one. 08:47 So that's been our little joke. 08:49 But she has just been the epitome of that. 08:52 Yes, she has. 08:53 Another part... 08:54 And she had a great marriage too by the way. 08:56 Oh, yes she did. 08:57 Her husband has been dead for sometime but he adored her. 09:00 He did. 09:01 And that's one thing that they held true in their marriage. 09:03 They were nice. Yes. 09:05 They were considerate of one another. 09:07 So just be nice. 09:08 You know, I think it goes back to something very basic 09:10 in the Bible, the golden rule. 09:12 Yes. 09:14 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 09:17 If we could hold that principle in our marriage. 09:21 You know, whenever I think of you, 09:23 I'm going to do to you what I hope you will do to me, 09:26 what I would like if you did to me. 09:28 I'm gonna treat you in a way 09:29 that is respectful, that's kind, 09:32 that's tender, that's gentle. 09:35 I mean, that's winning for anyone, isn't it? 09:37 Yeah. 09:38 And think about the people you want to be around. 09:39 Yeah. 09:41 You want to be around people that are nice. 09:43 Why would that not be true in your own home? 09:47 We get off track there because we think, 09:49 "Well, they are stuck with me anyway. 09:51 I'll say what I think. 09:52 I'll say what I feel like saying." 09:54 And we can say some of the most horrible things 09:57 to the people that we love the most. 09:59 We've heard people in public places, airports. 10:02 We spend a lot of time in airports 10:04 and we've heard people in airport speak to one another 10:06 in ways that we just think, "Are you kidding me? 10:09 This is how you're gonna treat the person 10:10 with whom you're supposed to spend the rest of your life? 10:14 Well, I remember one in particular 10:15 that we've talked about. 10:17 We were waiting at the gate and across the way, 10:20 just across the hall, there was a fast food place 10:23 and we listened and we heard this woman there. 10:27 And she was just shouting across the way, you know. 10:30 And she was shouting to someone and she was saying, 10:33 "Get over here and get yourself something to eat. 10:35 You know you get hungry on planes, 10:37 you know it's gonna be a four-hour flight. 10:40 Get over here. 10:41 What are you doing over there?" 10:42 And it just went on like that and we thought, 10:44 "Man, she is not very nice to her children." 10:46 Yeah. 10:47 And then suddenly, this person starts walking up. 10:50 Well, it wasn't a child, it was her husband. 10:52 Her husband. 10:53 That's how she was speaking to her husband in public. 10:55 Yeah. 10:56 What happened then was that he walked up to her, 10:59 he looked at her for a minute and he turned around 11:01 and walked away. 11:03 That's what we create when we are unkind. 11:05 Yeah. 11:06 We create that kind of rebellion and truthfully, 11:08 who would want to be around someone who treat you that way? 11:11 You don't want to be. 11:12 And it makes you recoil almost with anger. 11:16 Along this thing about being nice, 11:20 do you have anything else to add to that 11:21 or do we need to move on? 11:23 You want to hear what Gottman has to say about it? 11:25 Why don't you do that? Share that. 11:26 John and Julie Gottman are marriage researchers. 11:29 They have written a book called, 11:31 "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage." 11:32 Yeah. 11:33 Here are the two things that they discovered 11:35 about successful marriages. 11:37 They discovered number one, 11:39 "Happily married couples behave like good friends." 11:42 Wow. 11:43 That's kind of simple, isn't it? 11:45 There is kindness, there is tenderness. 11:46 They also discovered that "Happily married couples handle 11:48 their conflict in gentle and positive ways." 11:53 Those are two things that fit right in with Linda's mantra. 11:56 Be nice. Just be nice. 11:57 When we are gentle, 11:58 we treat each other like friends, 12:00 and we are kind when we are in conflict. 12:02 So, if we are gonna be successful as a couple, 12:04 we have to be good friends first of all. 12:07 And behave like good friends. 12:09 Behave like good friends. 12:11 And then to resolve any conflict 12:13 that we have in gentle ways. 12:15 You've always told me that the most important thing 12:17 I can do for you is to speak to you in a kind voice, 12:21 a gentle tender tone. 12:23 It really is. 12:24 And I've seen how you respond when I do that. 12:26 And when I forget to do it, 12:27 I've also seen how you've responded the other way. 12:29 Oh, my parents used to say, I turn white around the mouth. 12:32 Your lips get very thin, you turn white around the mouth 12:35 and you get very quiet, you kind of withdraw. 12:37 It's not a pleasant sight. 12:40 But when I speak to you with gentleness and with kindness, 12:42 you warm to that. 12:44 I think that all of us do to... 12:46 It's true for all of us. It is. 12:47 Yeah. 12:48 So again, this first motto of just be nice, 12:52 there is a lot of wisdom in those two little words. 12:53 There really is. 12:55 And you know what? 12:56 It's funny to learn that the experts agree with Linda. 12:58 Yeah. 12:59 Yeah, she is very simple in her approach. 13:01 She is just kind and nice to people 13:03 and she has a great marriage because of it. 13:05 She is that way to everyone, 13:07 you know, and certainly to Bob. 13:08 And Bob's not always easy to be nice. 13:10 I love him and I'll tell him that to his face 13:12 and he will agree with me. 13:13 He is a great guy. 13:15 We're gonna take a break right now. 13:16 We will be back with more right after this. |
Revised 2016-04-11