Welcome to
'Marriage in God's Hand."
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I'm Mike Tucker,
this is Gayle Tucker.
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We're with Faith
For Today Television
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and we are the
co-host of Lifestyle Magazine
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and Mad About Marriage.
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We've been taking
about Mottos for Marriage.
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Successful couples have
shared with us their secrets
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of what makes
their marriage work.
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And we are now
relaying them on to you.
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What are the mottos that
make their marriage work?
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Now, we've talked
about these mottos
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being in three
different categories.
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They are.
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We have Choose,
Connect and Communicate.
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Communicate.
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So far we've been
dealing with Choose.
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We are gonna change gears
now, go to Connect, aren't we?
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That's right.
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In this show, we are
going to talk about connecting.
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And it's really
important that we know
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how to connect with one another,
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that we connect with our spouse.
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This is what creates warmth
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and closeness in
the relationship.
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When we connect with each other,
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it allows us to
kind of open doors
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that wouldn't be open otherwise.
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Steven Stosny and
Patricia Love in their book
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"How to Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It"
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say that if we learn to
connect with one another,
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that we can actually open doors
to be able to deal with issues
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in our marriage that we might
not have otherwise dealt with.
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This is especially true for men.
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Most men, not every
man fits in this category.
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Some men are open to talk
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and anxious to
talk to their spouse
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but the majority of men are not.
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And that's because
of the issue of fear.
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I mean, partly shame.
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Women have fear
but men have shame.
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Basically, they are
afraid that if indeed
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we talk about these things,
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it will be nothing more
than a long list of the ways
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in which they have failed
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and that list
will produce shame.
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And that's the most
powerful negative emotions
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that they have in their life,
so they want to avoid talking.
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However, if indeed
there is a connection,
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where they are
made to feel safe now
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and we know you're accepted
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and this is not
about shaming you,
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this is about
two people finding,
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working together as a team,
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then they are open
to that conversation.
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That's right.
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And connection is so
important in many ways in life.
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I remember seeing a
video clip of a woman
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who was talking about marriage
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and she was reflecting on
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what it really
means to be married.
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And this quote
says this, she said,
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"We need a witness to our lives.
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There are billions of
people on the planet...
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I mean, what does
one life really mean?
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But in a marriage,
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you're promising to
care about everything.
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The good things, the bad things,
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the terrible
things, the mundane things,
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all of it, all
the time every day.
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You're saying,
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'Your life will not go unnoticed
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because I will notice it.
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Your life will
not go unwitnessed
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because I will
be your witness.'"
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Now, you know, of all the
things we want in marriage,
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I think this may be one
of the highest on the list.
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We want to have our
life matter to someone else.
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We want to witness to our lives
and when we learn to connect
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with our spouse,
that's what we gain,
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that someone who cares
about every detail of our lives
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and they witness
every moment of our lives.
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You talk to people
who have been married 50,
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60 years and they
begin to reminisce about
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what is meant to
be married together,
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what all of that
and sharing the stories
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from each other lives,
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not just their own
life but each others lives.
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You realize that they
really truly have been a witness
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to one another's lives,
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that the life is
not gone unnoticed.
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It had
significance, it had value.
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Simply in the fact that it was
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witnessed by another human being
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someone who is important to you.
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Well, you think
about what happens
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when a spouse passes away after,
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you know, being
married for many years.
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The remaining spouse,
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every moment of the
day they will see things,
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talk about things that
remind them of that person.
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You know, "She
would have said this."
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Or you remember, "He did that."
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This was important to her.
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They can recount
all those things that
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and as they were
walking through life,
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they might not have even been
able to tell you about them.
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But looking back they
realize that every single
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one of those
things made an impression.
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It adds value and
significance to our lives
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but also as we
share those things
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and we celebrate them together,
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as we witness
one another's lives
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and we talk about that.
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It brings us
closer to each other
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and makes a safe place for us
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because we know we
are cherished here,
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we know we are valued here.
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And in that safety,
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we have the
opportunity not to work out
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any difficulties that we have,
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to talk about issues to
make what is good even better.
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But it starts with a connection.
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It does.
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I want to feel close to
you, you feeling close to me.
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We're demonstrating to each
other through that connection
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that we are safe in working
through these issues together.
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That's right.
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So when we asked
the Facebook friends
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for their mottos for marriage,
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one of the first
ones that we got back
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came from a good friend of ours.
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Yes.
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Her name is Linda.
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She is marvelous. We love Linda.
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She is wonderful.
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And Bob and
Linda are good friends.
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Known Bob forever in a day.
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And Linda as well and
they are great people.
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Yeah.
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And her motto for
marriage was very simple.
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She said, "Just be nice.
It's too simple" she says.
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And you know what,
Linda really believes that.
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Oh, she does. She practices it.
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In fact, when we've been
together as couples, you know,
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you and I and Bob and Linda
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and we will sit there
and something will come up
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and Linda will
say, "Just be nice."
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And we talk about how
Linda and I have it figured out.
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If you'll just be nice,
that's really all you need.
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Now, isn't that simple though?
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I think it actually is
because I don't know of anybody
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that doesn't want
someone to just be kind.
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You know, you
think of the crustiest,
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roughest man in the world
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but who doesn't want tenderness?
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Even that person wants
tenderness and kindness,
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so I think it's
an important concept.
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And the tenderness and
kindness is a part of it.
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But also just
courtesy, common courtesy.
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There are some
old fashion things
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that men used to
do for women that,
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you know, we've
gone through a time
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when basically is considered
to be sexiest to do these things
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and I think that
was way over the top.
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Yeah.
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And but some of us old salty
standbys continue to do them
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whether they were
politically correct or not.
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And they bring
value to the relationship.
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Just something as
simple as opening a car door
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or saying
"please" and "thank you."
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Minding your behavior,
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your manners at
the table, you know?
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Just learning to be nice,
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those common
courtesies of everyday living
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that we need to
extend to one another.
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Well, you know, if you maintain
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just good manners
around your spouse,
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that says you
are as important as,
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you know, somebody else that
we would go out to dinner with.
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Or you are as important now
as you were when we were dating.
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You think about
when you're dating,
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you are on your best behavior,
you don't do crude things,
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you don't say crude things.
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You are not gonna belch at
the table when you are dating.
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It's just really is not really
a very romantic come out here,
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you know.
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But for some odd reason,
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we think that once we
get married this person,
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you know, to whom we want to be,
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with whom we
want to be intimate,
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that we want to care about
us that is not gonna matter now
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if we do all those
things that are, you know,
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fairly, you know, untruth.
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Yeah, untruth.
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You know, you and
I have a good friend
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that she is
getting on in years now.
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Her name is
Virginia. We love Virginia.
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And we've known, I've known her
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since I was a kid
in elementary school
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and you've known her since...
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Many years.
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Since you and I
have been married.
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And she is marvelous.
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But this is a woman of culture,
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a woman of
manners and she is very...
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She is sophisticated.
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She is sophisticated,
she is very proper.
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She is a lovely Christian lady
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who is always
behaving in the proper way
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and her
conversations with people,
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her manners at the table,
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she taught them to her children.
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Her grandchildren
would come over and visit
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and they would have a
lesson on manners from Virginia,
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from grandma.
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And we have often
remarked about her
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as we look at
people in the world,
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that there may only
be two cultured people
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left on the planet and
Virginia is one of them.
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For sure. We know her. Yeah.
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If there are only two
left on the planet Virginia
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is definitely one of them.
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We know that for sure.
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And then we
will be out in public
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and we will see someone do
something that's rather crude.
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And we look at each other
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and say, "Well,
that's not the other one."
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Yeah.
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If there are only cultured
people left in the planet,
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Virginia is one,
that's not the other one.
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So that's been our little joke.
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But she has just
been the epitome of that.
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Yes, she has.
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Another part...
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And she had a great
marriage too by the way.
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Oh, yes she did.
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Her husband has been dead
for sometime but he adored her.
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He did.
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And that's one thing that they
held true in their marriage.
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They were nice. Yes.
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They were
considerate of one another.
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So just be nice.
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You know, I think it goes
back to something very basic
00:09:08.61\00:09:10.95
in the Bible, the golden rule.
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Yes.
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"Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you."
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If we could hold that
principle in our marriage.
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You know,
whenever I think of you,
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I'm going to do to you
what I hope you will do to me,
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what I would
like if you did to me.
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I'm gonna treat you in a way
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that is respectful, that's kind,
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that's tender, that's gentle.
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I mean, that's
winning for anyone, isn't it?
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Yeah.
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And think about the
people you want to be around.
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Yeah.
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You want to be
around people that are nice.
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Why would that not be
true in your own home?
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We get off track
there because we think,
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"Well, they are
stuck with me anyway.
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I'll say what I think.
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I'll say what I
feel like saying."
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And we can say some of
the most horrible things
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to the people
that we love the most.
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We've heard people in
public places, airports.
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We spend a lot
of time in airports
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and we've heard people in
airport speak to one another
00:10:04.30\00:10:06.77
in ways that we just
think, "Are you kidding me?
00:10:06.80\00:10:09.50
This is how you're
gonna treat the person
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with whom you're supposed
to spend the rest of your life?
00:10:10.94\00:10:13.01
Well, I remember
one in particular
00:10:14.04\00:10:15.54
that we've talked about.
00:10:15.58\00:10:17.65
We were waiting at the
gate and across the way,
00:10:17.68\00:10:20.65
just across the hall,
there was a fast food place
00:10:20.68\00:10:23.52
and we listened and we
heard this woman there.
00:10:23.55\00:10:27.29
And she was just shouting
across the way, you know.
00:10:27.32\00:10:30.36
And she was shouting to
someone and she was saying,
00:10:30.39\00:10:33.13
"Get over here and get
yourself something to eat.
00:10:33.16\00:10:35.43
You know you get
hungry on planes,
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you know it's gonna
be a four-hour flight.
00:10:37.70\00:10:40.07
Get over here.
00:10:40.10\00:10:41.44
What are you doing over there?"
00:10:41.47\00:10:42.80
And it just went on
like that and we thought,
00:10:42.84\00:10:44.61
"Man, she is not very
nice to her children."
00:10:44.64\00:10:45.97
Yeah.
00:10:46.01\00:10:47.34
And then suddenly, this
person starts walking up.
00:10:47.38\00:10:50.15
Well, it wasn't a
child, it was her husband.
00:10:50.18\00:10:52.38
Her husband.
00:10:52.41\00:10:53.75
That's how she was speaking
to her husband in public.
00:10:53.78\00:10:55.52
Yeah.
00:10:55.55\00:10:56.89
What happened then was
that he walked up to her,
00:10:56.92\00:10:59.45
he looked at her for a
minute and he turned around
00:10:59.49\00:11:01.69
and walked away.
00:11:01.72\00:11:03.29
That's what we
create when we are unkind.
00:11:03.32\00:11:05.19
Yeah.
00:11:05.23\00:11:06.56
We create that kind of
rebellion and truthfully,
00:11:06.59\00:11:08.73
who would want to be around
someone who treat you that way?
00:11:08.76\00:11:11.20
You don't want to be.
00:11:11.23\00:11:12.57
And it makes you
recoil almost with anger.
00:11:12.60\00:11:16.67
Along this thing
about being nice,
00:11:16.71\00:11:19.97
do you have
anything else to add to that
00:11:20.01\00:11:21.34
or do we need to move on?
00:11:21.38\00:11:23.51
You want to hear what
Gottman has to say about it?
00:11:23.55\00:11:25.28
Why don't you do
that? Share that.
00:11:25.31\00:11:26.65
John and Julie Gottman
are marriage researchers.
00:11:26.68\00:11:28.95
They have written a book called,
00:11:29.72\00:11:31.05
"Ten Lessons to
Transform Your Marriage."
00:11:31.09\00:11:32.59
Yeah.
00:11:32.62\00:11:33.96
Here are the two
things that they discovered
00:11:33.99\00:11:35.62
about successful marriages.
00:11:35.66\00:11:37.56
They discovered number one,
00:11:37.59\00:11:39.36
"Happily married couples
behave like good friends."
00:11:39.39\00:11:42.33
Wow.
00:11:42.36\00:11:43.70
That's kind of simple, isn't it?
00:11:43.73\00:11:45.07
There is kindness,
there is tenderness.
00:11:45.10\00:11:46.43
They also discovered that
"Happily married couples handle
00:11:46.47\00:11:48.77
their conflict in
gentle and positive ways."
00:11:48.80\00:11:53.24
Those are two things that fit
right in with Linda's mantra.
00:11:53.27\00:11:56.01
Be nice. Just be nice.
00:11:56.04\00:11:57.38
When we are gentle,
00:11:57.41\00:11:58.75
we treat each
other like friends,
00:11:58.78\00:12:00.12
and we are kind
when we are in conflict.
00:12:00.15\00:12:02.25
So, if we are gonna be
successful as a couple,
00:12:02.28\00:12:04.12
we have to be good
friends first of all.
00:12:04.15\00:12:07.89
And behave like good friends.
00:12:07.92\00:12:09.26
Behave like good friends.
00:12:09.29\00:12:11.06
And then to resolve any conflict
00:12:11.09\00:12:13.43
that we have in gentle ways.
00:12:13.46\00:12:15.20
You've always told me
that the most important thing
00:12:15.23\00:12:17.60
I can do for you is to
speak to you in a kind voice,
00:12:17.63\00:12:21.20
a gentle tender tone.
00:12:21.24\00:12:23.10
It really is.
00:12:23.14\00:12:24.47
And I've seen how you
respond when I do that.
00:12:24.51\00:12:26.24
And when I forget to do it,
00:12:26.27\00:12:27.61
I've also seen how
you've responded the other way.
00:12:27.64\00:12:29.94
Oh, my parents used to say,
I turn white around the mouth.
00:12:29.98\00:12:32.05
Your lips get very thin,
you turn white around the mouth
00:12:32.08\00:12:35.08
and you get very
quiet, you kind of withdraw.
00:12:35.12\00:12:37.82
It's not a pleasant sight.
00:12:37.85\00:12:39.19
But when I speak to you with
gentleness and with kindness,
00:12:40.16\00:12:42.49
you warm to that.
00:12:42.52\00:12:44.63
I think that all of us do to...
00:12:44.66\00:12:45.99
It's true for all of us. It is.
00:12:46.03\00:12:47.36
Yeah.
00:12:47.40\00:12:48.73
So again, this first
motto of just be nice,
00:12:48.76\00:12:51.77
there is a lot of wisdom
in those two little words.
00:12:52.03\00:12:53.60
There really is.
00:12:53.64\00:12:54.97
And you know what?
00:12:55.00\00:12:56.34
It's funny to learn that
the experts agree with Linda.
00:12:56.37\00:12:58.47
Yeah.
00:12:58.51\00:12:59.84
Yeah, she is very
simple in her approach.
00:12:59.87\00:13:01.31
She is just kind
and nice to people
00:13:01.34\00:13:03.68
and she has a great
marriage because of it.
00:13:03.71\00:13:05.25
She is that way to everyone,
00:13:05.28\00:13:07.08
you know, and certainly to Bob.
00:13:07.12\00:13:08.45
And Bob's not
always easy to be nice.
00:13:08.48\00:13:10.22
I love him and I'll
tell him that to his face
00:13:10.25\00:13:12.39
and he will agree with me.
00:13:12.42\00:13:13.76
He is a great guy.
00:13:13.79\00:13:15.12
We're gonna take
a break right now.
00:13:15.16\00:13:16.49
We will be back with
more right after this.
00:13:16.52\00:13:17.86