Welcome to 'Marriage in God's Hand." 00:00:18.51\00:00:20.45 I'm Mike Tucker, this is Gayle Tucker. 00:00:20.48\00:00:22.38 We're with Faith For Today Television 00:00:22.42\00:00:24.65 and we are the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine 00:00:24.69\00:00:26.92 and Mad About Marriage. 00:00:26.96\00:00:29.29 We've been taking about Mottos for Marriage. 00:00:29.32\00:00:32.26 Successful couples have shared with us their secrets 00:00:32.29\00:00:35.26 of what makes their marriage work. 00:00:35.30\00:00:37.50 And we are now relaying them on to you. 00:00:37.53\00:00:39.67 What are the mottos that make their marriage work? 00:00:39.70\00:00:41.64 Now, we've talked about these mottos 00:00:41.67\00:00:43.00 being in three different categories. 00:00:43.04\00:00:44.37 They are. 00:00:44.41\00:00:45.74 We have Choose, Connect and Communicate. 00:00:45.77\00:00:48.04 Communicate. 00:00:48.08\00:00:49.41 So far we've been dealing with Choose. 00:00:49.44\00:00:50.78 We are gonna change gears now, go to Connect, aren't we? 00:00:50.81\00:00:52.61 That's right. 00:00:52.65\00:00:53.98 In this show, we are going to talk about connecting. 00:00:54.02\00:00:56.48 And it's really important that we know 00:00:56.52\00:00:58.25 how to connect with one another, 00:00:58.29\00:00:59.79 that we connect with our spouse. 00:00:59.82\00:01:01.59 This is what creates warmth 00:01:01.62\00:01:03.83 and closeness in the relationship. 00:01:03.86\00:01:06.26 When we connect with each other, 00:01:06.29\00:01:08.33 it allows us to kind of open doors 00:01:08.36\00:01:11.07 that wouldn't be open otherwise. 00:01:11.10\00:01:13.67 Steven Stosny and Patricia Love in their book 00:01:13.70\00:01:16.10 "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" 00:01:16.14\00:01:18.81 say that if we learn to connect with one another, 00:01:18.84\00:01:21.84 that we can actually open doors to be able to deal with issues 00:01:21.88\00:01:25.31 in our marriage that we might not have otherwise dealt with. 00:01:25.35\00:01:28.08 This is especially true for men. 00:01:28.12\00:01:30.89 Most men, not every man fits in this category. 00:01:30.92\00:01:33.32 Some men are open to talk 00:01:33.36\00:01:34.86 and anxious to talk to their spouse 00:01:34.89\00:01:36.79 but the majority of men are not. 00:01:36.83\00:01:39.23 And that's because of the issue of fear. 00:01:39.26\00:01:41.46 I mean, partly shame. 00:01:41.50\00:01:42.83 Women have fear but men have shame. 00:01:42.86\00:01:44.83 Basically, they are afraid that if indeed 00:01:44.87\00:01:46.74 we talk about these things, 00:01:46.77\00:01:48.10 it will be nothing more than a long list of the ways 00:01:48.14\00:01:49.77 in which they have failed 00:01:49.80\00:01:51.21 and that list will produce shame. 00:01:51.24\00:01:53.94 And that's the most powerful negative emotions 00:01:53.98\00:01:56.51 that they have in their life, so they want to avoid talking. 00:01:56.54\00:01:58.78 However, if indeed there is a connection, 00:01:58.81\00:02:01.65 where they are made to feel safe now 00:02:01.68\00:02:03.28 and we know you're accepted 00:02:03.32\00:02:04.65 and this is not about shaming you, 00:02:04.69\00:02:06.05 this is about two people finding, 00:02:06.09\00:02:07.92 working together as a team, 00:02:07.96\00:02:10.16 then they are open to that conversation. 00:02:10.19\00:02:11.63 That's right. 00:02:11.66\00:02:12.99 And connection is so important in many ways in life. 00:02:13.03\00:02:15.93 I remember seeing a video clip of a woman 00:02:15.96\00:02:19.07 who was talking about marriage 00:02:19.10\00:02:21.94 and she was reflecting on 00:02:21.97\00:02:23.30 what it really means to be married. 00:02:23.34\00:02:25.81 And this quote says this, she said, 00:02:25.84\00:02:28.21 "We need a witness to our lives. 00:02:28.24\00:02:30.75 There are billions of people on the planet... 00:02:30.78\00:02:32.75 I mean, what does one life really mean? 00:02:32.78\00:02:35.85 But in a marriage, 00:02:35.88\00:02:37.22 you're promising to care about everything. 00:02:37.25\00:02:39.82 The good things, the bad things, 00:02:39.85\00:02:41.82 the terrible things, the mundane things, 00:02:41.86\00:02:45.03 all of it, all the time every day. 00:02:45.06\00:02:47.86 You're saying, 00:02:47.90\00:02:49.23 'Your life will not go unnoticed 00:02:49.26\00:02:51.50 because I will notice it. 00:02:51.53\00:02:53.77 Your life will not go unwitnessed 00:02:53.80\00:02:56.10 because I will be your witness.'" 00:02:56.14\00:02:59.21 Now, you know, of all the things we want in marriage, 00:02:59.24\00:03:01.91 I think this may be one of the highest on the list. 00:03:01.94\00:03:06.31 We want to have our life matter to someone else. 00:03:06.35\00:03:09.25 We want to witness to our lives and when we learn to connect 00:03:09.28\00:03:12.99 with our spouse, that's what we gain, 00:03:13.02\00:03:15.52 that someone who cares about every detail of our lives 00:03:15.56\00:03:19.93 and they witness every moment of our lives. 00:03:19.96\00:03:22.80 You talk to people who have been married 50, 00:03:22.83\00:03:25.00 60 years and they begin to reminisce about 00:03:25.03\00:03:27.84 what is meant to be married together, 00:03:27.87\00:03:30.04 what all of that and sharing the stories 00:03:30.07\00:03:32.11 from each other lives, 00:03:32.14\00:03:33.48 not just their own life but each others lives. 00:03:33.51\00:03:36.51 You realize that they really truly have been a witness 00:03:36.54\00:03:38.75 to one another's lives, 00:03:38.78\00:03:40.12 that the life is not gone unnoticed. 00:03:40.15\00:03:42.38 It had significance, it had value. 00:03:42.42\00:03:45.05 Simply in the fact that it was 00:03:45.09\00:03:46.42 witnessed by another human being 00:03:46.45\00:03:47.79 someone who is important to you. 00:03:47.82\00:03:49.56 Well, you think about what happens 00:03:49.59\00:03:50.93 when a spouse passes away after, 00:03:50.96\00:03:53.93 you know, being married for many years. 00:03:53.96\00:03:56.60 The remaining spouse, 00:03:56.63\00:03:59.10 every moment of the day they will see things, 00:03:59.13\00:04:01.44 talk about things that remind them of that person. 00:04:01.47\00:04:04.54 You know, "She would have said this." 00:04:04.57\00:04:06.24 Or you remember, "He did that." 00:04:06.27\00:04:08.21 This was important to her. 00:04:08.24\00:04:10.05 They can recount all those things that 00:04:10.08\00:04:12.05 and as they were walking through life, 00:04:12.08\00:04:14.15 they might not have even been able to tell you about them. 00:04:14.18\00:04:17.35 But looking back they realize that every single 00:04:17.39\00:04:19.89 one of those things made an impression. 00:04:19.92\00:04:22.59 It adds value and significance to our lives 00:04:22.62\00:04:24.79 but also as we share those things 00:04:24.83\00:04:26.73 and we celebrate them together, 00:04:26.76\00:04:28.60 as we witness one another's lives 00:04:28.63\00:04:30.87 and we talk about that. 00:04:30.90\00:04:32.23 It brings us closer to each other 00:04:32.27\00:04:33.84 and makes a safe place for us 00:04:33.87\00:04:35.90 because we know we are cherished here, 00:04:35.94\00:04:37.31 we know we are valued here. 00:04:37.34\00:04:38.87 And in that safety, 00:04:38.91\00:04:40.38 we have the opportunity not to work out 00:04:40.41\00:04:42.04 any difficulties that we have, 00:04:42.08\00:04:43.95 to talk about issues to make what is good even better. 00:04:43.98\00:04:47.22 But it starts with a connection. 00:04:47.25\00:04:48.58 It does. 00:04:48.62\00:04:49.95 I want to feel close to you, you feeling close to me. 00:04:49.98\00:04:51.45 We're demonstrating to each other through that connection 00:04:51.49\00:04:54.42 that we are safe in working through these issues together. 00:04:54.46\00:04:58.06 That's right. 00:04:58.09\00:04:59.43 So when we asked the Facebook friends 00:04:59.46\00:05:01.83 for their mottos for marriage, 00:05:01.86\00:05:04.07 one of the first ones that we got back 00:05:04.10\00:05:05.67 came from a good friend of ours. 00:05:05.70\00:05:07.04 Yes. 00:05:07.07\00:05:08.40 Her name is Linda. 00:05:08.44\00:05:09.77 She is marvelous. We love Linda. 00:05:09.80\00:05:11.14 She is wonderful. 00:05:11.17\00:05:12.51 And Bob and Linda are good friends. 00:05:12.54\00:05:14.34 Known Bob forever in a day. 00:05:14.38\00:05:15.71 And Linda as well and they are great people. 00:05:15.74\00:05:17.35 Yeah. 00:05:17.38\00:05:18.71 And her motto for marriage was very simple. 00:05:18.75\00:05:22.15 She said, "Just be nice. It's too simple" she says. 00:05:22.18\00:05:26.62 And you know what, Linda really believes that. 00:05:26.65\00:05:28.32 Oh, she does. She practices it. 00:05:28.36\00:05:29.79 In fact, when we've been together as couples, you know, 00:05:29.82\00:05:33.66 you and I and Bob and Linda 00:05:33.70\00:05:36.33 and we will sit there and something will come up 00:05:36.36\00:05:37.90 and Linda will say, "Just be nice." 00:05:37.93\00:05:40.24 And we talk about how Linda and I have it figured out. 00:05:40.27\00:05:42.97 If you'll just be nice, that's really all you need. 00:05:43.00\00:05:46.84 Now, isn't that simple though? 00:05:46.88\00:05:49.21 I think it actually is because I don't know of anybody 00:05:49.24\00:05:53.18 that doesn't want someone to just be kind. 00:05:53.21\00:05:56.15 You know, you think of the crustiest, 00:05:56.18\00:05:58.29 roughest man in the world 00:05:58.32\00:05:59.89 but who doesn't want tenderness? 00:05:59.92\00:06:02.36 Even that person wants tenderness and kindness, 00:06:02.39\00:06:04.83 so I think it's an important concept. 00:06:04.86\00:06:07.83 And the tenderness and kindness is a part of it. 00:06:07.86\00:06:11.13 But also just courtesy, common courtesy. 00:06:11.17\00:06:13.64 There are some old fashion things 00:06:14.84\00:06:16.40 that men used to do for women that, 00:06:16.44\00:06:18.97 you know, we've gone through a time 00:06:19.01\00:06:20.51 when basically is considered to be sexiest to do these things 00:06:20.54\00:06:23.28 and I think that was way over the top. 00:06:23.31\00:06:24.98 Yeah. 00:06:25.01\00:06:26.35 And but some of us old salty standbys continue to do them 00:06:26.38\00:06:29.68 whether they were politically correct or not. 00:06:29.72\00:06:31.89 And they bring value to the relationship. 00:06:31.92\00:06:33.66 Just something as simple as opening a car door 00:06:33.69\00:06:36.32 or saying "please" and "thank you." 00:06:36.36\00:06:37.79 Minding your behavior, 00:06:39.89\00:06:41.23 your manners at the table, you know? 00:06:41.26\00:06:43.33 Just learning to be nice, 00:06:43.37\00:06:45.17 those common courtesies of everyday living 00:06:45.20\00:06:48.50 that we need to extend to one another. 00:06:48.54\00:06:50.34 Well, you know, if you maintain 00:06:50.37\00:06:51.81 just good manners around your spouse, 00:06:51.84\00:06:54.18 that says you are as important as, 00:06:54.21\00:06:56.91 you know, somebody else that we would go out to dinner with. 00:06:56.95\00:07:00.15 Or you are as important now as you were when we were dating. 00:07:00.18\00:07:03.85 You think about when you're dating, 00:07:03.89\00:07:05.49 you are on your best behavior, you don't do crude things, 00:07:05.52\00:07:09.42 you don't say crude things. 00:07:09.46\00:07:11.59 You are not gonna belch at the table when you are dating. 00:07:11.63\00:07:13.63 It's just really is not really a very romantic come out here, 00:07:13.66\00:07:17.17 you know. 00:07:17.20\00:07:18.53 But for some odd reason, 00:07:18.57\00:07:20.50 we think that once we get married this person, 00:07:20.54\00:07:24.37 you know, to whom we want to be, 00:07:24.41\00:07:25.74 with whom we want to be intimate, 00:07:27.01\00:07:28.84 that we want to care about us that is not gonna matter now 00:07:28.88\00:07:33.08 if we do all those things that are, you know, 00:07:33.11\00:07:35.38 fairly, you know, untruth. 00:07:35.42\00:07:37.99 Yeah, untruth. 00:07:38.02\00:07:39.35 You know, you and I have a good friend 00:07:40.16\00:07:42.16 that she is getting on in years now. 00:07:42.19\00:07:44.76 Her name is Virginia. We love Virginia. 00:07:44.79\00:07:47.23 And we've known, I've known her 00:07:47.26\00:07:48.60 since I was a kid in elementary school 00:07:48.63\00:07:50.40 and you've known her since... 00:07:50.43\00:07:51.77 Many years. 00:07:51.80\00:07:53.13 Since you and I have been married. 00:07:53.17\00:07:54.50 And she is marvelous. 00:07:54.54\00:07:55.87 But this is a woman of culture, 00:07:55.90\00:07:57.94 a woman of manners and she is very... 00:07:57.97\00:08:00.98 She is sophisticated. 00:08:01.01\00:08:02.34 She is sophisticated, she is very proper. 00:08:02.38\00:08:03.71 She is a lovely Christian lady 00:08:03.75\00:08:05.41 who is always behaving in the proper way 00:08:05.45\00:08:08.58 and her conversations with people, 00:08:08.62\00:08:11.25 her manners at the table, 00:08:11.29\00:08:12.62 she taught them to her children. 00:08:12.65\00:08:13.99 Her grandchildren would come over and visit 00:08:14.02\00:08:15.76 and they would have a lesson on manners from Virginia, 00:08:15.79\00:08:18.39 from grandma. 00:08:18.43\00:08:19.83 And we have often remarked about her 00:08:19.86\00:08:22.60 as we look at people in the world, 00:08:22.63\00:08:24.10 that there may only be two cultured people 00:08:24.13\00:08:26.50 left on the planet and Virginia is one of them. 00:08:26.53\00:08:28.80 For sure. We know her. Yeah. 00:08:28.84\00:08:30.74 If there are only two left on the planet Virginia 00:08:30.77\00:08:32.71 is definitely one of them. 00:08:32.74\00:08:34.08 We know that for sure. 00:08:34.11\00:08:35.44 And then we will be out in public 00:08:35.48\00:08:36.81 and we will see someone do something that's rather crude. 00:08:36.85\00:08:39.41 And we look at each other 00:08:39.45\00:08:40.78 and say, "Well, that's not the other one." 00:08:40.82\00:08:42.65 Yeah. 00:08:42.68\00:08:44.02 If there are only cultured people left in the planet, 00:08:44.05\00:08:45.55 Virginia is one, that's not the other one. 00:08:45.59\00:08:47.69 So that's been our little joke. 00:08:47.72\00:08:49.32 But she has just been the epitome of that. 00:08:49.36\00:08:52.13 Yes, she has. 00:08:52.16\00:08:53.50 Another part... 00:08:53.53\00:08:54.86 And she had a great marriage too by the way. 00:08:54.90\00:08:56.23 Oh, yes she did. 00:08:56.26\00:08:57.60 Her husband has been dead for sometime but he adored her. 00:08:57.63\00:08:59.97 He did. 00:09:00.00\00:09:01.34 And that's one thing that they held true in their marriage. 00:09:01.37\00:09:03.30 They were nice. Yes. 00:09:03.34\00:09:05.14 They were considerate of one another. 00:09:05.17\00:09:07.21 So just be nice. 00:09:07.24\00:09:08.58 You know, I think it goes back to something very basic 00:09:08.61\00:09:10.95 in the Bible, the golden rule. 00:09:10.98\00:09:12.61 Yes. 00:09:12.65\00:09:13.98 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 00:09:14.02\00:09:16.65 If we could hold that principle in our marriage. 00:09:17.25\00:09:20.72 You know, whenever I think of you, 00:09:21.19\00:09:22.52 I'm going to do to you what I hope you will do to me, 00:09:23.12\00:09:26.59 what I would like if you did to me. 00:09:26.63\00:09:28.26 I'm gonna treat you in a way 00:09:28.30\00:09:29.63 that is respectful, that's kind, 00:09:29.66\00:09:32.83 that's tender, that's gentle. 00:09:32.87\00:09:34.97 I mean, that's winning for anyone, isn't it? 00:09:35.47\00:09:37.17 Yeah. 00:09:37.21\00:09:38.54 And think about the people you want to be around. 00:09:38.57\00:09:39.94 Yeah. 00:09:39.97\00:09:41.31 You want to be around people that are nice. 00:09:41.34\00:09:43.55 Why would that not be true in your own home? 00:09:43.58\00:09:47.62 We get off track there because we think, 00:09:47.65\00:09:49.82 "Well, they are stuck with me anyway. 00:09:49.85\00:09:51.19 I'll say what I think. 00:09:51.22\00:09:52.82 I'll say what I feel like saying." 00:09:52.85\00:09:54.72 And we can say some of the most horrible things 00:09:54.76\00:09:57.13 to the people that we love the most. 00:09:57.16\00:09:59.56 We've heard people in public places, airports. 00:09:59.59\00:10:02.10 We spend a lot of time in airports 00:10:02.13\00:10:04.27 and we've heard people in airport speak to one another 00:10:04.30\00:10:06.77 in ways that we just think, "Are you kidding me? 00:10:06.80\00:10:09.50 This is how you're gonna treat the person 00:10:09.54\00:10:10.91 with whom you're supposed to spend the rest of your life? 00:10:10.94\00:10:13.01 Well, I remember one in particular 00:10:14.04\00:10:15.54 that we've talked about. 00:10:15.58\00:10:17.65 We were waiting at the gate and across the way, 00:10:17.68\00:10:20.65 just across the hall, there was a fast food place 00:10:20.68\00:10:23.52 and we listened and we heard this woman there. 00:10:23.55\00:10:27.29 And she was just shouting across the way, you know. 00:10:27.32\00:10:30.36 And she was shouting to someone and she was saying, 00:10:30.39\00:10:33.13 "Get over here and get yourself something to eat. 00:10:33.16\00:10:35.43 You know you get hungry on planes, 00:10:35.46\00:10:37.67 you know it's gonna be a four-hour flight. 00:10:37.70\00:10:40.07 Get over here. 00:10:40.10\00:10:41.44 What are you doing over there?" 00:10:41.47\00:10:42.80 And it just went on like that and we thought, 00:10:42.84\00:10:44.61 "Man, she is not very nice to her children." 00:10:44.64\00:10:45.97 Yeah. 00:10:46.01\00:10:47.34 And then suddenly, this person starts walking up. 00:10:47.38\00:10:50.15 Well, it wasn't a child, it was her husband. 00:10:50.18\00:10:52.38 Her husband. 00:10:52.41\00:10:53.75 That's how she was speaking to her husband in public. 00:10:53.78\00:10:55.52 Yeah. 00:10:55.55\00:10:56.89 What happened then was that he walked up to her, 00:10:56.92\00:10:59.45 he looked at her for a minute and he turned around 00:10:59.49\00:11:01.69 and walked away. 00:11:01.72\00:11:03.29 That's what we create when we are unkind. 00:11:03.32\00:11:05.19 Yeah. 00:11:05.23\00:11:06.56 We create that kind of rebellion and truthfully, 00:11:06.59\00:11:08.73 who would want to be around someone who treat you that way? 00:11:08.76\00:11:11.20 You don't want to be. 00:11:11.23\00:11:12.57 And it makes you recoil almost with anger. 00:11:12.60\00:11:16.67 Along this thing about being nice, 00:11:16.71\00:11:19.97 do you have anything else to add to that 00:11:20.01\00:11:21.34 or do we need to move on? 00:11:21.38\00:11:23.51 You want to hear what Gottman has to say about it? 00:11:23.55\00:11:25.28 Why don't you do that? Share that. 00:11:25.31\00:11:26.65 John and Julie Gottman are marriage researchers. 00:11:26.68\00:11:28.95 They have written a book called, 00:11:29.72\00:11:31.05 "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage." 00:11:31.09\00:11:32.59 Yeah. 00:11:32.62\00:11:33.96 Here are the two things that they discovered 00:11:33.99\00:11:35.62 about successful marriages. 00:11:35.66\00:11:37.56 They discovered number one, 00:11:37.59\00:11:39.36 "Happily married couples behave like good friends." 00:11:39.39\00:11:42.33 Wow. 00:11:42.36\00:11:43.70 That's kind of simple, isn't it? 00:11:43.73\00:11:45.07 There is kindness, there is tenderness. 00:11:45.10\00:11:46.43 They also discovered that "Happily married couples handle 00:11:46.47\00:11:48.77 their conflict in gentle and positive ways." 00:11:48.80\00:11:53.24 Those are two things that fit right in with Linda's mantra. 00:11:53.27\00:11:56.01 Be nice. Just be nice. 00:11:56.04\00:11:57.38 When we are gentle, 00:11:57.41\00:11:58.75 we treat each other like friends, 00:11:58.78\00:12:00.12 and we are kind when we are in conflict. 00:12:00.15\00:12:02.25 So, if we are gonna be successful as a couple, 00:12:02.28\00:12:04.12 we have to be good friends first of all. 00:12:04.15\00:12:07.89 And behave like good friends. 00:12:07.92\00:12:09.26 Behave like good friends. 00:12:09.29\00:12:11.06 And then to resolve any conflict 00:12:11.09\00:12:13.43 that we have in gentle ways. 00:12:13.46\00:12:15.20 You've always told me that the most important thing 00:12:15.23\00:12:17.60 I can do for you is to speak to you in a kind voice, 00:12:17.63\00:12:21.20 a gentle tender tone. 00:12:21.24\00:12:23.10 It really is. 00:12:23.14\00:12:24.47 And I've seen how you respond when I do that. 00:12:24.51\00:12:26.24 And when I forget to do it, 00:12:26.27\00:12:27.61 I've also seen how you've responded the other way. 00:12:27.64\00:12:29.94 Oh, my parents used to say, I turn white around the mouth. 00:12:29.98\00:12:32.05 Your lips get very thin, you turn white around the mouth 00:12:32.08\00:12:35.08 and you get very quiet, you kind of withdraw. 00:12:35.12\00:12:37.82 It's not a pleasant sight. 00:12:37.85\00:12:39.19 But when I speak to you with gentleness and with kindness, 00:12:40.16\00:12:42.49 you warm to that. 00:12:42.52\00:12:44.63 I think that all of us do to... 00:12:44.66\00:12:45.99 It's true for all of us. It is. 00:12:46.03\00:12:47.36 Yeah. 00:12:47.40\00:12:48.73 So again, this first motto of just be nice, 00:12:48.76\00:12:51.77 there is a lot of wisdom in those two little words. 00:12:52.03\00:12:53.60 There really is. 00:12:53.64\00:12:54.97 And you know what? 00:12:55.00\00:12:56.34 It's funny to learn that the experts agree with Linda. 00:12:56.37\00:12:58.47 Yeah. 00:12:58.51\00:12:59.84 Yeah, she is very simple in her approach. 00:12:59.87\00:13:01.31 She is just kind and nice to people 00:13:01.34\00:13:03.68 and she has a great marriage because of it. 00:13:03.71\00:13:05.25 She is that way to everyone, 00:13:05.28\00:13:07.08 you know, and certainly to Bob. 00:13:07.12\00:13:08.45 And Bob's not always easy to be nice. 00:13:08.48\00:13:10.22 I love him and I'll tell him that to his face 00:13:10.25\00:13:12.39 and he will agree with me. 00:13:12.42\00:13:13.76 He is a great guy. 00:13:13.79\00:13:15.12 We're gonna take a break right now. 00:13:15.16\00:13:16.49 We will be back with more right after this. 00:13:16.52\00:13:17.86