Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000082B
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00:02 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hand.
00:05 We've been talking about mottos for marriage, 00:08 things that our Facebook friends have shared with us 00:11 on the Mad About Marriage page. 00:13 What makes their marriage work? 00:15 And one of those 00:16 that we've just talked about was 00:18 expectations are premeditated disappointments. 00:22 And yet on the other hand, we also recognized 00:24 that it's okay to have needs and expectations 00:28 but we need to express those to one another. 00:31 So how might you begin to express 00:33 an expectation or a need to your spouse? 00:35 I think the first thing is to identify it for yourself. 00:38 You know, we all come to marriage with expectations. 00:41 We have some kind of a picture in our mind 00:44 of what it's going to be like. 00:45 It may have come from our family of origin, 00:48 may have come from society, just media even. 00:52 We have... 00:53 Or your own personality. Yes. 00:55 We have an expectation. 00:57 And the expectations, 00:59 they come in a range of categories 01:01 of the things that we expect. 01:02 But there is a big picture. 01:04 So I think one of the first things we need to do 01:06 is to examine what are own expectations are 01:10 which is usually based on our needs, 01:12 our emotional needs. 01:14 And so once you understand, 01:15 well, here's what I would really like to see 01:18 in our marriage. 01:19 Here's what would make me feel close to you, 01:22 here's what would make me feel fulfilled 01:24 and begin to understand that for yourself. 01:27 And then to communicate that in a way 01:30 that is helpful to your spouse. 01:32 Most of them are going to suggest one more thing 01:33 and that is that we need to examine 01:35 whether or not the expectation is realistic. 01:37 Absolutely. 01:38 There are some things that I may expect from you 01:40 that are not realistic. 01:41 Either it's just humanly impossible to provide it 01:44 or it would be something that would be out of character 01:48 or demeaning for you even to provide. 01:50 I need to understand 01:52 what is the realistic expectation of this being met. 01:55 How likely is it that my spouse might be able to do this? 01:58 Right. 01:59 You know, I talked to one gentleman 02:01 who was really concerned about his marriage 02:03 and his relationship with his wife because he said, 02:06 "She is very needy." 02:09 He said, "Her expectation of my time 02:12 is absolutely unrealistic." 02:14 He said, "I want to spend time with her. 02:16 I love her. 02:18 And yet if I'm not with her 24/7, 02:21 well, she can barely let me out of her sight to go to work 02:24 and then come straight home. 02:26 And then she wants, you know, all evening and every weekend 02:30 and every moment because she feels lonely, 02:33 she feels isolated if she is by herself." 02:37 And he said, "I don't know how to meet that need. 02:40 I just don't know how to do it 02:41 because there physically, it's not enough time in the day 02:44 to do what I need to do and be with her." 02:46 So if indeed we have an unrealistic expectation, 02:48 is this woman... 02:49 We may realize that there is a brokenness in us 02:52 that needs to be fixed. 02:53 That maybe this is a time 02:55 for some professional counseling. 02:56 Maybe this is a time for prayer to work on me 03:00 rather than expecting you to meet all these needs. 03:03 Is this a realistic expectation? 03:04 Is it reasonable? 03:06 Because in that case 03:07 it really is a premeditated disappointment. 03:09 If you have some thing that's unrealistic, 03:11 another human being cannot even meet this need for you. 03:14 So yeah, that's a premeditated disappointment. 03:16 So examine ourselves, what do I really need? 03:19 I what would make my life more complete? 03:22 And is this realistic? 03:23 And then once I've examined this, 03:25 then its time to communicate it. 03:27 But what's a good way to communicate this? 03:29 Well, in words, number one, 03:32 you know, if you can literally sit down and identify something 03:35 or you feel like there is a bit of a hope and say, 03:38 "You know, I really need more time with you, you know. 03:42 And obviously a realistic amount of time 03:44 but I feel like we are not spending any time together 03:47 and I would feel so much closer 03:49 if maybe we could spend Sunday afternoons together." 03:54 Or something. You know, be specific. 03:56 This would help me. 03:57 And especially as woman, we need to be specific 04:00 because as we said earlier, 04:01 we expect that men are just gonna know. 04:03 And they don't. 04:04 And they don't. No. 04:05 But it's helpful for a man if you actually, 04:08 you know, kind of package it. 04:10 This would be helpful if we could do this 04:12 and then together find a way to spend that time. 04:15 You know, carve that time out. 04:18 Men are not naturally intuitive 04:20 especially when it comes to emotional needs. 04:22 They are just not naturally intuitive. 04:24 Now, this is something that men can learn 04:26 and they can learn to watch for things, 04:28 especially practical things. 04:30 If I'm sitting on the couch reading the paper 04:31 and you are working in the kitchen, 04:33 maybe there is something wrong with this picture 04:35 and I need to be aware of that. 04:37 And I need to observe 04:39 that there is a need for my time there 04:41 so that I can help you, right? 04:43 I can learn to do that. 04:44 But when it comes to an emotional need 04:46 that is not quite that obvious, 04:48 I may not be all that intuitive and most men are not. 04:51 And so letting them know, 04:53 "This is something that I may need it on a regular basis," 04:56 it's realistic to expect. 04:58 It can be a learned behavior. 05:00 "Could you help me with this?" 05:01 Men are task oriented. Yes. 05:03 Okay, I can do that. 05:04 You know, give me that task I can do that. 05:06 And usually they want to 05:08 because they want the closeness as well. 05:10 But let's turn that around. What about for men? 05:14 How can express their needs and their expectations? 05:18 I think that men tend to be as bad 05:20 about this at times as women are. 05:23 And they just assume that you should certain things 05:26 and then when it's not given 05:27 sometimes, they respond 05:29 with either anger or withdrawal. 05:31 That's right. 05:32 Those are the two things, anger and withdrawal. 05:34 Get angry or you just withdraw, all right? 05:36 If you are not gonna do it, then forget it. 05:38 But I think to sit down 05:39 and have the realistic conversation, all right? 05:41 I know there are certain things in the relationship that I need 05:44 and certain things that you need. 05:45 Share with me what you need 05:47 and I'm gonna share with you what would be tops of my list. 05:50 Let's see if this not a meeting of the minds some place. 05:52 And again, just to sit down with the words and say, 05:55 "It would really help me with this." 05:57 And it may not even but you have to have this big conflab. 06:00 You know, you have the event. 06:01 Just as you go. 06:03 You don't know what would be helpful for me in the future 06:04 as if you were to do something like this? 06:06 Could you see it? 06:08 You see it way clear to help me with that. 06:11 I think the first step of what we talked about 06:13 is important for men 06:15 to actually examine what they do need 06:17 because often men don't recognize in themselves. 06:20 They only recognize if something is not right 06:23 but they don't sit down and put the finger on it. 06:26 Men are not as self-contemplative. 06:29 That's right. Most men are not as women are. 06:31 Women will analyze everything. 06:33 Every emotion, every word, 06:34 every new ones to the relationship. 06:36 Most men, now some will do this 06:38 but most men are not as apt to do that. 06:40 They just gonna, "Well, that didn't feel good. 06:42 I don't know why it didn't feel good 06:43 but I didn't feel good but it didn't feel good." 06:44 Or, "That was really good, do you know? 06:46 I kind of like it. 06:47 Don't know why it worked out but I like that." 06:49 Well, one of the things that... 06:50 When I talk about the dumb guy, I go to my Texas accent. 06:53 You do. You noticed that? 06:54 I'm from Texas, it's what I do. 06:56 You shouldn't do that. 06:59 You know, Scott Stanley and much of his work 07:01 talks about one of the things men can do 07:03 is to expand their emotional vocabulary 07:07 because for many men it's good, bad, liked it, didn't like it. 07:14 Angry, happy, you know, sad. 07:15 Yeah. And that's it. 07:17 That's about the end of it. 07:18 But if you can expand the emotional vocabulary, 07:21 it's also helpful. 07:22 Well, what did you really feel about that? 07:24 You know, was there anger? 07:26 Was there a sense of isolation? 07:28 Was there resentment? Was there fear? 07:30 Yeah. Was there rage? 07:31 What was there 07:33 and what would be helpful in the future. 07:36 And the reason to expand that vocabulary 07:39 is that your spouse likely has a broader vocabulary 07:43 and bad doesn't always cover it for her. 07:47 Well, why is it bad? What did that feel like? 07:49 And if you can share a little bit more 07:52 of an extended vocabulary 07:53 with her on the particular area, 07:55 it helps her be more intuitive as to how to fix this 07:58 and how to help with that. 08:00 So I think expanding the vocabulary, 08:01 being aware of what it is that you need. 08:03 And then being able to clearly articulate this 08:05 to share it with her. 08:07 And again, this is not done as a cold demand. 08:09 Oh, no, no. This is a request. 08:12 You know, would it be possible for this to be done? 08:14 What would prevent this from happening? 08:17 This would be something that will be very helpful to me. 08:20 And what can I do for you in return? 08:22 How can we meet each other's needs along these lines? 08:24 It is not wrong to have expectations. 08:28 But it is important that we don't allow our expectations 08:32 to be premeditated disappointments 08:33 simply by lack, by lack of communication. 08:38 When we can communicate, 08:39 then our expectations can be met 08:42 and they don't need to be disappointments. 08:44 I think she is right. 08:45 We need to be realistic and don't just sit back 08:47 and expect things that they are never gonna happen. 08:49 And you really should have known it, you know. 08:50 Yeah. 08:52 There is another motto that we like to share today 08:54 and that is, "I'll never attempt to fix or change you. 08:58 I'll never attempt to fix or change you." 09:00 In marriage ceremonies, 09:02 I very often will share this little insight. 09:06 They say that on her wedding day, 09:08 all a woman can think about is the aisle, 09:11 the altar and him. 09:14 When in reality she is thinking I'll alter him." 09:18 That's just wrong. 09:20 Probably true but wrong. 09:21 True but wrong... 09:23 And really, a healthy marriage 09:26 is never based on the fact that you're my project 09:28 and I'm going to fix you up, you know. 09:30 You're a fixer-upper. 09:31 That's not a good plan for a marriage. 09:33 Well, does that mean that we need to think about this 09:36 before we get married? 09:37 Absolutely. 09:38 Don't marry a fixer-upper. 09:40 Yeah. 09:41 I think often we do that, though. 09:43 We think, "Well, you know, I don't like this but, 09:46 you know, he will learn as I teach him." 09:49 You know. As I teach him. 09:50 "Or I will fix her," you know. 09:53 And it's not just women that do this. 09:54 I mean, men do this as well. 09:56 Yeah. Absolutely. 09:57 They really do. You know, I can overlook this. 09:58 You know, "This is not all important. 10:00 I'll fix that later as we move along." 10:02 The truth is, don't marry anyone 10:05 if you cannot be absolutely, 10:07 positively happy for the rest of your life 10:09 if they never changed. 10:11 Because you don't have any guarantees. 10:12 You don't have any guarantees that they will. 10:14 You actually do have a guarantee 10:15 that they will change 10:17 but you don't know which way it will be. 10:18 Whether it will be for the good or the bad or, 10:19 you know, the better or the worse. 10:21 That's right. That's right. 10:22 You know, it reminds me of a couple 10:24 that we knew years ago, 10:25 I mean, way back when we first got married. 10:27 And I remember them having a conversation 10:30 with other people around. 10:32 It was kind of a, you know, we had dinner 10:33 and everybody sitting there talking. 10:35 And she was a person who carried some extra weight. 10:38 So she was, she was kind of chunky. 10:41 And they got to talking about that publicly 10:45 and he was saying, you know, she said, "Well, you know, 10:48 I've always just been heavier." 10:52 And he said, "Well, you know, I never really like that." 10:57 And he said "I always thought that after we got married, 11:00 she would lose weight." 11:01 Wow. 11:03 And she said, "Why did you think that?" 11:05 What would make you think that would be a possibility? 11:08 "That's not who I ever have been. 11:10 That's not who I was when you married me. 11:12 Why did you think 11:14 that I would suddenly get thinner?" 11:16 You know, "Was it just gonna be your presence 11:19 that did that or what?" 11:20 "That's it. I make you lose weight, dear." 11:22 And it was fairly good nature of conversation 11:25 but at the same time, it's a little bit uncomfortable 11:27 for those of us that were sitting there. 11:28 We were, "Where is this coming from?" 11:31 But we do, sometimes even subconsciously, 11:34 but sometimes consciously have an expectation. 11:37 "Well, that thing that I don't like is gonna change 11:40 once they are married to me 11:42 and they realize that I don't really like it." 11:44 Part of that is the characteristic 11:45 for romantic love. 11:46 It tends to have the rose colored glasses. 11:48 We imagine traits they posses to be better than they are. 11:52 And we imagine them having good traits 11:55 that they don't actually posses. 11:56 But it's important to realize that if indeed 11:58 I'm trying to fix you or change you, 12:00 that puts me in a position of superiority over you. 12:04 It's a fairly arrogant position to take 12:06 that I know a better way for you to live. 12:09 "I know better how you should live. 12:11 And so if you just listen to me, 12:13 I can fix you up." 12:15 And because where are they codependent, 12:16 there is an attempt to rescue 12:18 some of who may or may not want to be rescued. 12:20 And that's codependent love. 12:22 It's the rescuing and then being rescued. 12:24 The altering and being altered. 12:26 It is not a healthy thing to do. 12:28 When you think about that, 12:30 it's really kind of hurtful isn't it? 12:31 Yeah. 12:33 Because the other person then feels like, 12:34 "Well, I guess I never did really measure up. 12:37 I never was quite what they wanted. 12:40 I thought we had this wonderful thing together, 12:42 you know, we decided to get married 12:43 and spend our lives together 12:45 and yet now I figure out that I never measured up." 12:49 Which makes you feel broken. 12:50 It makes you feel of less value. 12:53 It makes you feel something other than being cherished. 12:56 So it's not a good idea to try to fix. 12:59 It becomes a very, almost... 13:01 And again, I hate to use this word too loosely 13:03 but almost an abusive thing 13:05 because it puts me in a position of power 13:08 to try to control your behavior and to change you. 13:10 That's right. 13:12 You know, I think maybe we need to approach this as well 13:15 just a really good friendship. 13:17 You know, is this person a friend 13:19 that I could live with forever? 13:21 Is this person someone that we can be close? 13:24 You know, the definition of a friend that I just love, 13:28 "A friend is someone who is happy to see you 13:30 and has no immediate plans for your improvement." 13:33 Isn't that great? I love it. 13:34 Happy to see you. 13:36 No immediate plans for your improvement. 13:37 Now when you think about your spouse, 13:40 you know, as we are talking to people at home 13:43 when they think about their spouse 13:44 is that what they think of. 13:46 That's the way we need to be. 13:47 We need to be the friend 13:49 that is not looking for improvement 13:50 in the other person, simply loving them. 13:52 So it means just learning to accept each other as we are. 13:55 Well, that's what we encourage you to do today. 13:57 And the reason for that is because we want you to be 14:00 madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-04-04