Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hand.
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We've been talking
about mottos for marriage,
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things that our Facebook
friends have shared with us
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on the Mad About Marriage page.
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What makes their marriage work?
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And one of those
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that we've just talked about was
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expectations are
premeditated disappointments.
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And yet on the other
hand, we also recognized
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that it's okay to
have needs and expectations
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but we need to
express those to one another.
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So how might
you begin to express
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an expectation or a
need to your spouse?
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I think the first thing is
to identify it for yourself.
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You know, we all come to
marriage with expectations.
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We have some kind of
a picture in our mind
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of what it's going to be like.
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It may have come
from our family of origin,
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may have come from
society, just media even.
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We have...
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Or your own personality. Yes.
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We have an expectation.
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And the expectations,
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they come in a
range of categories
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of the things that we expect.
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But there is a big picture.
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So I think one of the
first things we need to do
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is to examine what
are own expectations are
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which is usually
based on our needs,
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our emotional needs.
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And so once you understand,
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well, here's what I
would really like to see
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in our marriage.
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Here's what would
make me feel close to you,
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here's what would
make me feel fulfilled
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and begin to
understand that for yourself.
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And then to
communicate that in a way
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that is helpful to your spouse.
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Most of them are going
to suggest one more thing
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and that is that
we need to examine
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whether or not the
expectation is realistic.
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Absolutely.
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There are some things
that I may expect from you
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that are not realistic.
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Either it's just
humanly impossible to provide it
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or it would be something
that would be out of character
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or demeaning for
you even to provide.
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I need to understand
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what is the realistic
expectation of this being met.
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How likely is it that my
spouse might be able to do this?
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Right.
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You know, I
talked to one gentleman
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who was really
concerned about his marriage
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and his relationship
with his wife because he said,
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"She is very needy."
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He said, "Her
expectation of my time
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is absolutely unrealistic."
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He said, "I want to
spend time with her.
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I love her.
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And yet if I'm
not with her 24/7,
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well, she can barely let me
out of her sight to go to work
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and then come straight home.
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And then she wants, you know,
all evening and every weekend
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and every moment
because she feels lonely,
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she feels isolated
if she is by herself."
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And he said, "I don't
know how to meet that need.
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I just don't know how to do it
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because there physically,
it's not enough time in the day
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to do what I need
to do and be with her."
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So if indeed we have an
unrealistic expectation,
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is this woman...
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We may realize that
there is a brokenness in us
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that needs to be fixed.
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That maybe this is a time
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for some
professional counseling.
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Maybe this is a time
for prayer to work on me
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rather than expecting
you to meet all these needs.
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Is this a realistic expectation?
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Is it reasonable?
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Because in that case
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it really is a
premeditated disappointment.
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If you have some
thing that's unrealistic,
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another human being cannot
even meet this need for you.
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So yeah, that's a
premeditated disappointment.
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So examine ourselves,
what do I really need?
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I what would make
my life more complete?
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And is this realistic?
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And then once
I've examined this,
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then its time to communicate it.
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But what's a good
way to communicate this?
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Well, in words, number one,
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you know, if you can literally
sit down and identify something
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or you feel like there
is a bit of a hope and say,
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"You know, I really need
more time with you, you know.
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And obviously a
realistic amount of time
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but I feel like we are
not spending any time together
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and I would feel so much closer
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if maybe we could spend
Sunday afternoons together."
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Or something. You
know, be specific.
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This would help me.
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And especially as
woman, we need to be specific
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because as we said earlier,
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we expect that men
are just gonna know.
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And they don't.
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And they don't. No.
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But it's helpful for
a man if you actually,
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you know, kind of package it.
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This would be
helpful if we could do this
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and then together find
a way to spend that time.
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You know, carve that time out.
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Men are not naturally intuitive
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especially when it
comes to emotional needs.
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They are just not
naturally intuitive.
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Now, this is
something that men can learn
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and they can learn
to watch for things,
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especially practical things.
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If I'm sitting on the
couch reading the paper
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and you are
working in the kitchen,
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maybe there is something
wrong with this picture
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and I need to be aware of that.
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And I need to observe
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that there is a
need for my time there
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so that I can help you, right?
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I can learn to do that.
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But when it comes
to an emotional need
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that is not quite that obvious,
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I may not be all that
intuitive and most men are not.
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And so letting them know,
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"This is something that I
may need it on a regular basis,"
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it's realistic to expect.
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It can be a learned behavior.
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"Could you help me with this?"
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Men are task oriented. Yes.
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Okay, I can do that.
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You know, give me
that task I can do that.
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And usually they want to
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because they want
the closeness as well.
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But let's turn that
around. What about for men?
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How can express their
needs and their expectations?
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I think that men
tend to be as bad
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about this at
times as women are.
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And they just assume
that you should certain things
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and then when it's not given
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sometimes, they respond
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with either anger or withdrawal.
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That's right.
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Those are the two
things, anger and withdrawal.
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Get angry or you
just withdraw, all right?
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If you are not gonna
do it, then forget it.
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But I think to sit down
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and have the realistic
conversation, all right?
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I know there are certain things
in the relationship that I need
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and certain
things that you need.
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Share with me what you need
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and I'm gonna share with you
what would be tops of my list.
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Let's see if this not a
meeting of the minds some place.
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And again, just to sit
down with the words and say,
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"It would really
help me with this."
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And it may not even but you
have to have this big conflab.
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You know, you have the event.
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Just as you go.
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You don't know what would
be helpful for me in the future
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as if you were to
do something like this?
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Could you see it?
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You see it way clear
to help me with that.
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I think the first step
of what we talked about
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is important for men
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to actually
examine what they do need
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because often men don't
recognize in themselves.
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They only recognize
if something is not right
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but they don't sit down
and put the finger on it.
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Men are not as
self-contemplative.
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That's right. Most
men are not as women are.
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Women will analyze everything.
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Every emotion, every word,
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every new ones
to the relationship.
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Most men, now some will do this
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but most men are
not as apt to do that.
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They just gonna,
"Well, that didn't feel good.
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I don't know why
it didn't feel good
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but I didn't feel good
but it didn't feel good."
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Or, "That was
really good, do you know?
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I kind of like it.
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Don't know why it
worked out but I like that."
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Well, one of the things that...
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When I talk about the dumb
guy, I go to my Texas accent.
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You do. You noticed that?
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I'm from Texas, it's what I do.
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You shouldn't do that.
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You know, Scott
Stanley and much of his work
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talks about one of
the things men can do
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is to expand their
emotional vocabulary
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because for many men it's good,
bad, liked it, didn't like it.
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Angry, happy, you know, sad.
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Yeah. And that's it.
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That's about the end of it.
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But if you can expand
the emotional vocabulary,
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it's also helpful.
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Well, what did you
really feel about that?
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You know, was there anger?
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Was there a sense of isolation?
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Was there
resentment? Was there fear?
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Yeah. Was there rage?
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What was there
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and what would be
helpful in the future.
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And the reason to
expand that vocabulary
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is that your spouse
likely has a broader vocabulary
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and bad doesn't
always cover it for her.
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Well, why is it bad?
What did that feel like?
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And if you can
share a little bit more
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of an extended vocabulary
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with her on the particular area,
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it helps her be more
intuitive as to how to fix this
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and how to help with that.
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So I think
expanding the vocabulary,
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being aware of what
it is that you need.
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And then being able to
clearly articulate this
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to share it with her.
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And again, this is
not done as a cold demand.
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Oh, no, no. This is a request.
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You know, would it be
possible for this to be done?
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What would prevent
this from happening?
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This would be something
that will be very helpful to me.
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And what can I do
for you in return?
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How can we meet each
other's needs along these lines?
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It is not wrong
to have expectations.
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But it is important that we
don't allow our expectations
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to be
premeditated disappointments
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simply by lack, by
lack of communication.
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When we can communicate,
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then our expectations can be met
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and they don't need
to be disappointments.
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I think she is right.
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We need to be realistic
and don't just sit back
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and expect things that
they are never gonna happen.
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And you really should
have known it, you know.
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Yeah.
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There is another motto
that we like to share today
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and that is, "I'll never
attempt to fix or change you.
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I'll never attempt
to fix or change you."
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In marriage ceremonies,
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I very often will
share this little insight.
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They say that
on her wedding day,
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all a woman can
think about is the aisle,
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the altar and him.
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When in reality she is
thinking I'll alter him."
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That's just wrong.
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Probably true but wrong.
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True but wrong...
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And really, a healthy marriage
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is never based on the
fact that you're my project
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and I'm going to
fix you up, you know.
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You're a fixer-upper.
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That's not a good
plan for a marriage.
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Well, does that mean that
we need to think about this
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before we get married?
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Absolutely.
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Don't marry a fixer-upper.
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Yeah.
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I think often
we do that, though.
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We think, "Well, you
know, I don't like this but,
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you know, he will
learn as I teach him."
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You know. As I teach him.
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"Or I will fix her," you know.
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And it's not just
women that do this.
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I mean, men do this as well.
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Yeah. Absolutely.
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They really do. You
know, I can overlook this.
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You know, "This
is not all important.
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I'll fix that
later as we move along."
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The truth is, don't marry anyone
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if you cannot be absolutely,
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positively happy for
the rest of your life
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if they never changed.
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Because you don't
have any guarantees.
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You don't have any
guarantees that they will.
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You actually do have a guarantee
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that they will change
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but you don't know
which way it will be.
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Whether it will be for
the good or the bad or,
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you know, the
better or the worse.
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That's right. That's right.
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You know, it
reminds me of a couple
00:10:22.72\00:10:24.05
that we knew years ago,
00:10:24.09\00:10:25.45
I mean, way back
when we first got married.
00:10:25.49\00:10:27.79
And I remember them
having a conversation
00:10:27.82\00:10:30.69
with other people around.
00:10:30.73\00:10:32.06
It was kind of a,
you know, we had dinner
00:10:32.09\00:10:33.70
and everybody
sitting there talking.
00:10:33.73\00:10:35.50
And she was a person who
carried some extra weight.
00:10:35.53\00:10:38.57
So she was, she
was kind of chunky.
00:10:38.60\00:10:41.47
And they got to
talking about that publicly
00:10:41.50\00:10:45.21
and he was saying, you
know, she said, "Well, you know,
00:10:45.24\00:10:48.28
I've always just been heavier."
00:10:48.31\00:10:52.15
And he said, "Well, you
know, I never really like that."
00:10:52.18\00:10:57.05
And he said "I always thought
that after we got married,
00:10:57.09\00:11:00.59
she would lose weight."
00:11:00.62\00:11:01.96
Wow.
00:11:01.99\00:11:03.32
And she said, "Why
did you think that?"
00:11:03.36\00:11:05.23
What would make you think
that would be a possibility?
00:11:05.26\00:11:08.50
"That's not who
I ever have been.
00:11:08.53\00:11:10.63
That's not who I
was when you married me.
00:11:10.67\00:11:12.77
Why did you think
00:11:12.80\00:11:14.37
that I would
suddenly get thinner?"
00:11:14.40\00:11:16.94
You know, "Was it
just gonna be your presence
00:11:16.97\00:11:19.07
that did that or what?"
00:11:19.11\00:11:20.81
"That's it. I make
you lose weight, dear."
00:11:20.84\00:11:22.88
And it was fairly
good nature of conversation
00:11:22.91\00:11:25.31
but at the same time,
it's a little bit uncomfortable
00:11:25.35\00:11:27.38
for those of us
that were sitting there.
00:11:27.42\00:11:28.88
We were, "Where
is this coming from?"
00:11:28.92\00:11:31.52
But we do,
sometimes even subconsciously,
00:11:31.55\00:11:34.59
but sometimes
consciously have an expectation.
00:11:34.62\00:11:37.36
"Well, that thing that I
don't like is gonna change
00:11:37.39\00:11:40.40
once they are married to me
00:11:40.43\00:11:42.13
and they realize that
I don't really like it."
00:11:42.16\00:11:44.20
Part of that is
the characteristic
00:11:44.23\00:11:45.57
for romantic love.
00:11:45.60\00:11:46.94
It tends to have the
rose colored glasses.
00:11:46.97\00:11:48.64
We imagine traits they posses
to be better than they are.
00:11:48.67\00:11:52.87
And we imagine
them having good traits
00:11:52.91\00:11:54.98
that they don't actually posses.
00:11:55.01\00:11:56.91
But it's important to
realize that if indeed
00:11:56.95\00:11:58.91
I'm trying to fix
you or change you,
00:11:58.95\00:12:00.68
that puts me in a position
of superiority over you.
00:12:00.72\00:12:03.99
It's a fairly
arrogant position to take
00:12:04.02\00:12:06.69
that I know a
better way for you to live.
00:12:06.72\00:12:09.52
"I know better
how you should live.
00:12:09.56\00:12:11.39
And so if you just listen to me,
00:12:11.43\00:12:13.90
I can fix you up."
00:12:13.93\00:12:15.26
And because where
are they codependent,
00:12:15.30\00:12:16.63
there is an attempt to rescue
00:12:16.67\00:12:18.00
some of who may or may
not want to be rescued.
00:12:18.03\00:12:20.50
And that's codependent love.
00:12:20.54\00:12:21.97
It's the rescuing
and then being rescued.
00:12:22.00\00:12:24.74
The altering and being altered.
00:12:24.77\00:12:26.81
It is not a healthy thing to do.
00:12:26.84\00:12:28.78
When you think about that,
00:12:28.81\00:12:30.15
it's really kind
of hurtful isn't it?
00:12:30.18\00:12:31.61
Yeah.
00:12:31.65\00:12:32.98
Because the other
person then feels like,
00:12:33.01\00:12:34.88
"Well, I guess I
never did really measure up.
00:12:34.92\00:12:37.42
I never was
quite what they wanted.
00:12:37.45\00:12:40.26
I thought we had this
wonderful thing together,
00:12:40.29\00:12:42.42
you know, we
decided to get married
00:12:42.46\00:12:43.79
and spend our lives together
00:12:43.83\00:12:45.46
and yet now I figure out
that I never measured up."
00:12:45.49\00:12:48.96
Which makes you feel broken.
00:12:49.00\00:12:50.60
It makes you feel of less value.
00:12:50.63\00:12:53.67
It makes you feel something
other than being cherished.
00:12:53.70\00:12:56.91
So it's not a good
idea to try to fix.
00:12:56.94\00:12:59.51
It becomes a very, almost...
00:12:59.54\00:13:01.84
And again, I hate to
use this word too loosely
00:13:01.88\00:13:03.71
but almost an abusive thing
00:13:03.75\00:13:05.51
because it puts me
in a position of power
00:13:05.55\00:13:08.32
to try to control your
behavior and to change you.
00:13:08.35\00:13:10.85
That's right.
00:13:10.89\00:13:12.22
You know, I think maybe we
need to approach this as well
00:13:12.25\00:13:15.19
just a really good friendship.
00:13:15.22\00:13:17.49
You know, is
this person a friend
00:13:17.53\00:13:19.03
that I could live with forever?
00:13:19.06\00:13:20.96
Is this person
someone that we can be close?
00:13:21.00\00:13:24.57
You know, the definition
of a friend that I just love,
00:13:24.60\00:13:28.00
"A friend is someone
who is happy to see you
00:13:28.04\00:13:30.77
and has no immediate
plans for your improvement."
00:13:30.81\00:13:33.07
Isn't that great? I love it.
00:13:33.11\00:13:34.84
Happy to see you.
00:13:34.88\00:13:36.21
No immediate plans
for your improvement.
00:13:36.24\00:13:37.58
Now when you
think about your spouse,
00:13:37.61\00:13:40.62
you know, as we are
talking to people at home
00:13:40.65\00:13:43.52
when they think
about their spouse
00:13:43.55\00:13:44.89
is that what they think of.
00:13:44.92\00:13:46.25
That's the way we need to be.
00:13:46.29\00:13:47.62
We need to be the friend
00:13:47.66\00:13:48.99
that is not
looking for improvement
00:13:49.02\00:13:50.36
in the other
person, simply loving them.
00:13:50.39\00:13:52.06
So it means just learning
to accept each other as we are.
00:13:52.09\00:13:55.46
Well, that's what we
encourage you to do today.
00:13:55.50\00:13:57.73
And the reason for that
is because we want you to be
00:13:57.77\00:14:00.47
madly in love forever.
00:14:00.50\00:14:02.04