Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000082A
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00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:21 I'm Mike Tucker. This is Gayle Tucker. 00:23 We are from Faith For Today Television. 00:25 We're the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine 00:28 and Mad About Marriage, 00:29 the flagship programs for Faith For Today. 00:32 And we've been talking about mottos 00:35 that were shared with us by people on Facebook 00:38 who have successful marriages. 00:40 We took our Facebook friends, 00:42 we said, "Please give us some ideas 00:44 about what makes marriage work for you. 00:46 Do you have a motto? Do you have a saying? 00:49 Do you have a principal that you repeat?" 00:50 A maxim. 00:52 Yes, that you repeat over and over. 00:53 Something that reminds you, "Hey, this helps us stay close. 00:56 This works for us." 00:58 And we got lots of responses. We did. 00:59 People who found out that things work 01:01 and as we said earlier on one of the other shows, 01:03 sometimes it's by trial and the error. 01:05 Sometimes it's because they've researched it 01:07 or they found that in God's word. 01:08 Right. 01:10 Or maybe you learned it from your parents, 01:11 your home of origin. 01:13 And you may have picked up something there. 01:14 And we also found that 01:16 they come in three different particular areas. 01:18 First is the choose. 01:21 And then connect. 01:22 And communicate are the three C's 01:24 that we put together in this area. 01:27 And we are still on the area of choosing. 01:31 And one of the mottos 01:32 that came to us was interesting. 01:35 It said, "Sometimes I don't like you 01:37 but I always love you." 01:41 Sometimes I don't like you all that much 01:44 but I always love you. 01:45 But always love you. 01:47 I think this is the one that reminds us 01:48 that there is a difference between love as a feeling 01:52 and love as a principle. 01:54 We can be reminded here that love is a choice, 01:56 that's why it fits in our big category of choice. 01:59 We make a choice for our marriage. 02:01 Which is also why in scripture, we can be commanded 02:05 to love one another 02:07 because you choose to love. 02:09 Basically, it means that love is a verb. 02:11 It's an action word. 02:13 We demonstrate our love not through feeling although, 02:17 you know, feelings may arrive 02:19 but through behaviors. 02:21 Things that we're gonna do, 02:22 I'm going to behave in a loving fashion toward you 02:25 and that is the definition of love for scripture. 02:28 It is a verb, it is an action word. 02:29 It is. 02:31 You know, when you talk about sometimes I don't like you 02:33 but I always love you. 02:34 It makes me think of a friend of mine. 02:36 I went to school with him 02:38 and we went to school together 02:40 back in the academy college years. 02:43 And then several years later 02:44 when is family was coming along, 02:46 I was talking to him after his third child was born. 02:50 And he said, you know, I said, "How is he doing? 02:52 Is he doing well 02:54 or how is it going with your new one?" 02:55 And he was probably about three months old by them. 02:58 And he says, "You know, 03:00 we went straight to like with this one." 03:04 He said, "With child number two 03:06 we had to stay love for a long time." 03:08 We chose to love. 03:10 "We know we love him, we don't like him a whole lot." 03:13 But he says, "This third one, he is so easy going, 03:16 he is happy all the time. 03:17 We went straight to like." 03:19 Straight to like. 03:21 And there is a difference sometimes 03:22 between like and love, you know. 03:24 And that's why you're talking about what the Bible... 03:26 It says, love one another. 03:28 We can love one another and the Bible says, 03:32 I command you to love one another. 03:33 Yeah. 03:35 Anyone who's raised kids, you don't always like them. 03:38 They go through that middle school age, 03:40 the 12, 13-year-old and you swear that aliens came in 03:43 and abducted the child you love so much 03:45 or replaced them with an evil monster 03:48 that's about ready to destroy the plant 03:49 and you are with it, you know? 03:51 And you don't really like this kid 03:53 but you chosen to love. 03:54 I mean, eventually the good kid comes back, 03:56 you know, this nice person 03:58 that you fell in love with earlier. 04:00 But that's why love is a principle. 04:02 Love, we choose to love 04:04 and that gets us through the rough times 04:06 and we don't always like each other. 04:07 Yeah. 04:09 And in marriage, we will find those times. 04:11 You know, when your spouse does something 04:13 or there just a distance for some reason 04:17 and you kind of like, I'm not... 04:19 The irritation factor is high at times. 04:21 "I'm not enjoying this, you know. 04:22 I'm not but I still love my spouse." 04:25 Yeah. 04:26 I have a friend whose wife 04:29 had to take some anabolic steroids 04:31 for a condition she had. 04:32 And, you know, it helped the condition 04:35 and after a while she was able to get off the steroids, 04:37 but during the time 04:39 while she was taking the steroids, 04:41 she kind of had roid rage, you know? 04:43 The steroid rage. 04:45 Yeah, she was not a nice person to be around 04:46 and he said, 04:48 "I don't like her very much but I still love her." 04:50 And the love saw him through the difficult time 04:52 when until she got off the steroids 04:54 and the nice person he had fallen in love with 04:57 all along came back. 04:59 And so he liked her again then. 05:01 But love is a choice. It's a decision we make. 05:04 And we have to be reminded that 05:07 this like everything else in our marriage 05:09 is going to be up and down. 05:10 There are gonna be cycles. 05:12 We have times when we feel a tremendous closeness 05:15 and other times when we don't feel close 05:18 and yet that decision to love is always there. 05:21 You listen to the popular songs 05:22 and you think that love is nothing 05:24 more than an emotion. 05:25 You watch television or the movies 05:27 and you think that love is nothing more an emotion. 05:29 You listen to people talk, 05:30 "Well, I just don't feel it anymore." 05:32 I've had couples come to me and say, 05:34 "Well, we don't feel love anymore." 05:36 As though now my...I should pronounce them not married. 05:40 "All right, you don't feel anymore. 05:41 The feeling is, you've lost that lovin' feeling, 05:43 as the song says. 05:45 All right, well, obviously you can't get that back 05:46 you must be done. 05:48 So just color it gone and move on." 05:50 But that's not what I'm gonna say 05:52 because love is not a feeling, it's a choice. 05:54 And the neat thing is that that feeling usually comes back 05:57 as you persist in loving actions and Agape love. 06:02 You know, most Christians are familiar with the fact 06:05 that the Bible talks about different types of love. 06:07 Yes, Phileo and Eros and Agape. 06:10 Yeah, the Phileo love is the brotherly love 06:13 and the Eros is the passionate love. 06:15 And we always thinking we need that Eros, 06:16 we need that passion. 06:18 Yeah. And Eros is nice. 06:19 It is nice but what really sustains us 06:22 is the Agape love. 06:23 And Agape love says it's unconditional. 06:26 It says, I will do or say 06:28 what is in the best interest of the other person. 06:30 Yeah. 06:32 That is a good definition for Agape love. 06:35 I may not always like you but I've chosen to do 06:37 or say that which is in your best interest. 06:40 I'm going to behave 06:41 in a loving fashion toward you, that's Agape. 06:44 I chose to treat you with love. 06:48 And I think of the times when Eros is in short supply. 06:50 Yes, that's right. 06:53 You know, sometimes people get married on the basis of Eros. 06:57 But Eros love, the passionate love comes and goes. 07:00 You would refer to them as romantic lovers. 07:04 Yeah, the romance. Yeah. 07:06 And romance is great. 07:07 But actually if romance 07:09 is the basis of the relationship 07:11 in order to move on and to survive. 07:13 Romance is the basis so the relationship has to die. 07:17 It must die. 07:18 So you are now saying that romance dies 07:20 but the...but as a basis. 07:22 Basis. 07:23 And then you move to what we would call a friendship love 07:25 or Agape love which is love is principle, 07:28 love is friendship. 07:29 That's when you become a mature lover. 07:32 Mature lovers know how to use Eros. 07:35 They know how to use romance. 07:36 They are able to turn it on when needed 07:40 but they don't live with a study diet of it. 07:42 A study diet of Eros will kill you, 07:44 especially at my age, you know? 07:48 But Agape love is something I can deal with day in, day out 07:52 and then as mature lovers, 07:55 you learn how to use Eros when needed. 07:57 You learn how to have those romantic interludes. 08:00 And actually the best Eros lovers, 08:03 the best romantic lovers are those who have Agape 08:07 as the foundational principle of the relationship. 08:09 Absolutely. Friendship love. 08:10 If Eros is the foundation, 08:13 if that's all its based on then, 08:16 you know, as bodies change 08:18 or you know, as hair thins or whatever. 08:22 Waistlines expand. Yeah. 08:24 Then you're in trouble 08:25 because you are judging the other person 08:27 while you don't measure up anymore, 08:29 not usually realizing 08:31 that you probably don't measure up either. 08:32 That's right. 08:33 And of course it's not just the body that changes 08:35 and the look, 08:36 but marriage like life has ups and downs. 08:40 There are gonna be hotspots along the road. 08:43 And when you hit those hotspots, 08:44 you don't always feel in love. 08:47 There are times when you wake up in the morning 08:48 and you don't feel it 08:50 because of the difficult times you've been going through 08:52 but you can choose it. 08:54 And when you choose it and behave it, 08:56 then you still have love as the basis of the relationship 08:59 and that sees you through. 09:01 It's good stuff. 09:02 And its very good stuff. Good stuff. 09:04 So how do you get there? 09:05 What did you do? 09:07 How do you get there? 09:08 I think that first of all love is a gift. 09:11 It comes from God. 09:12 God is love. 09:14 He says He is the source of all love. 09:16 He is the fountain of it. 09:18 And so we go to Him, first of all. 09:21 I think we say, "Lord, 09:23 I'm not particularly feeling loving at the moment." 09:26 I lost that lovin' feeling. 09:28 Yeah, but I know that you can help me 09:32 with the principle of love. 09:33 You can help me to have love for this other, 09:35 for this person, for my spouse. 09:38 You help me to act in loving ways 09:41 because as you said earlier, 09:42 love is a verb, love is an action. 09:45 And, you know, the interesting that happens 09:47 is that as we begin to act in loving ways, 09:51 our feelings follow our actions. 09:53 Yes, they do. 09:54 You know, our actions tend to follow our feelings. 09:55 "I don't feel like doing this." 09:57 I feel it some ways so I do something. 09:59 But the reverse is also true. 10:01 As we persist in doing right, 10:03 as we persist in loving actions, 10:06 then our feelings tend to follow that. 10:08 And we will find that, you know, as we said earlier, 10:11 beings to cycle around. 10:12 And pretty soon you are able to step back and say, 10:15 "You know, the thing that I love about them 10:16 is still there." 10:17 Yeah. I haven't lost that. 10:19 That is wonderfully good news for anyone who struggles. 10:21 Now we've got another motto that we would like to share 10:25 and that is that, "Expectations 10:27 are premeditated disappointments." 10:30 Now someone shared this with you at a seminar, right? 10:32 You know, we do that marriage seminars 10:34 and when we do marriage seminars, 10:36 we have all kinds of principles that we teach. 10:38 One day a woman came up to me, she says, 10:42 "You know, I just listened 10:44 to your presentation on expectations." 10:46 And we about an hours worth of it. 10:48 So we talk for an hour about our needs 10:50 and our emotional expectations 10:52 and she walked up and she said, 10:54 "You know, don't you, that expectations 10:56 are premeditated disappointments?" 10:58 And I said, "Oh, is that right!" 11:01 And then she began to explain why. 11:03 She said that she had a friend 11:05 and her friend's name is Mary Jo. 11:07 She wanted us to be sure and use that name. 11:08 We give Mary Jo credit for this one. 11:09 That's right. 11:11 She said, "My friend 11:12 began to discover this in her marriage." 11:14 She said, "You know, if I sit back 11:17 and I'm expecting my husband to do this. 11:19 I'm expecting my husband to make me happy. 11:21 I'm expecting my husband to do the things I want him to do 11:25 without, you know, just to know, you know. 11:28 If I'm expecting 11:29 that he will provide for me in a certain way. 11:32 I'm expecting that he will do A, B, and C 11:34 the way I want him to do it, 11:36 I'm just simply premeditating my own disappointments. 11:39 I'm sitting there saying, 11:41 "Oh, I want this to happen 11:42 but he may or may not even be aware. 11:45 And even if he is aware, 11:47 he may not know exactly how to do it 11:49 or may not want to. 11:51 May not want to. 11:52 Yeah, so instead of expecting something, 11:57 maybe we need to learn more communication. 11:59 But, you know, Mary Jo, 12:02 she discovered that she save herself a lot of anguish 12:05 when she stopped expecting 12:07 the things that aren't going to happened. 12:09 Yeah. 12:10 I think that it's fine to have needs 12:12 and to recognize that we have needs 12:14 and desires and wishes. 12:16 And then to communicate those wishes and those desires. 12:18 I have had people sit in the counseling office 12:22 and they will say, "Well, he never does this for me." 12:24 Well, did you ever tell him you wanted that? 12:26 "He should just know." 12:28 What do you mean he should just know? 12:31 How is he supposed to know this? 12:33 He is a guy, he didn't know. 12:35 This is the difference between estrogen and testosterone, 12:38 he doesn't know. 12:40 And usually he is quite clueless. 12:42 Testosterone seems to be the, 12:45 a block for... 12:47 The inhibitor. 12:48 It inhibits his intuition 12:50 regarding your expectations and your needs. 12:54 So communicate that with him. 12:56 Once you tell him this is what I expect, 12:58 this is what I need, this would be very nice, 13:01 then he has a different level of responsibility 13:03 and then expectations can be something other 13:05 than a premeditated disappointment. 13:09 We're gonna pause on that now. 13:10 All right. All right. 13:12 We will be right back with more after this. |
Revised 2016-04-04