Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000081B
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00:01 We're back.
00:03 We've been talking about mottos for marriage 00:05 and we're talking about choosing 00:07 as the first category of these mottos. 00:10 And the motto that we were talking about 00:12 just before we left for the break was, 00:15 it's a partnership, we're in this together. 00:17 We've talked about the business plan 00:19 that successful businesses have. 00:21 They kind of set a corporate identity, 00:23 do they not? 00:24 They do, and I think that's good for us as a family, 00:26 you know, to know our identity. 00:28 Who we are? Where we're going? 00:31 What drives us? How are we going to get there? 00:35 I think all of those things are things 00:37 that we can actually sit down and decide. 00:39 And then we can articulate them. 00:41 You know, this is something that happen in my family. 00:45 My dad used to articulate the identity in this family. 00:48 You know, this is what we do. 00:50 This is who we are. 00:51 And I never really thought about that 00:53 because it was so much a part of our culture, 00:56 you know, he just talked about whom we were, 00:59 you know, my maiden name was Whittaker. 01:02 And, well, the Whittakers do this 01:04 and the Whittakers believe that. 01:05 And I grew up being just a part of that identity 01:09 and this is what we do, this is the way we behave 01:12 because we're part of this family. 01:15 So, I think it's important for all families to do that, 01:17 to have an identity. 01:19 What is, what are our goals? What are we accomplishing? 01:22 How are we blessing the people around us? 01:25 How are we going to behave? 01:27 How will people see us because we are the Tuckers, 01:30 or because we are the Smiths or we are the whoever? 01:33 And as the Tuckers, what is our corporate identify. 01:37 Therefore, every decision we make, 01:39 every choice we make 01:40 is based upon the ultimate goal. 01:43 As the corporate identify is this, 01:46 what do we do to get there. 01:47 If the corporate identity 01:49 as we discussed before the break 01:50 is to make the ultimate driving machine, 01:53 then everything goes 01:55 into making that ultimate driving machine. 01:57 It doesn't mean that the engineers are now at war 01:59 against the frontline employees who are assembling. 02:02 They are not at war against the management 02:05 or against the adverting people or the sales people. 02:08 We are a corporation 02:10 and our job is to create the ultimate driving machine. 02:13 As Tuckers, we are not at war against each other. 02:15 I'm not war against you, 02:17 I'm not in competition against our children. 02:19 We are a corporate unit accomplishing the goal 02:23 of proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ, 02:25 establishing His love in our family, 02:27 demonstrating that love to the world. 02:29 That's a part of our corporate identity. 02:30 Yeah, and I think the second part of the saying, 02:33 we're in it together. 02:35 I think that also reminds us 02:37 that we have to have a heart for one another. 02:40 We have to have a heart of compassion 02:41 toward one another. 02:43 Compassion is a tremendously powerful part of a relationship 02:48 because compassion says, I understand who you are, 02:52 I understand where you're coming from, 02:54 I see when you hurt, I identify with you. 02:59 And how can I be in partnership with you 03:01 if I don't really understand you 03:02 and I don't open my heart enough 03:04 to see who you are and what's going on. 03:06 Compassion is, is a word 03:09 that someone define for me not long ago 03:11 and their definition was your pain in my heart. 03:16 That's awesome. I love that. 03:17 You know, it's just a simple down-home definition 03:20 but it's your pain in my heart, that means, 03:22 I'm going to really see you, I'm going to know who you are 03:26 and when something hurts you, I'm going to understand that, 03:29 I'm going to feel that pain and have compassion for you. 03:32 Part of God's self proclamation is to His personal identity 03:35 in Exodus 33 and 34 was that He was compassionate, 03:38 slow to anger. 03:40 But being compassionate means that He says, 03:42 "Your pain in my heart." 03:44 Our pain is in the heart of God. 03:46 And so, He models this role of compassion, 03:49 that compassionate leader, 03:50 the compassionate head of our church family 03:53 and of me, Mike Tucker, follower of Jesus Christ. 03:58 He has compassion for me. 04:00 And I'm to take that compassion that is given to me, 04:03 my pain in God's heart 04:05 and extend that to you as my wife 04:07 and to my children, and then extend it more broadly 04:11 to people in the church, people in our neighborhood, 04:13 to the world, your pain in my heart, 04:16 the compassion of Christ for others. 04:18 The compassion. 04:19 You know, Steven Stosny talks about this. 04:23 He has a foundation called Compassion Power. 04:27 And he really talks about the power that we have 04:31 in this little thing called compassion. 04:34 Compassion allows me to not abuse people 04:39 because I understand who they are. 04:40 Abusers he says have lost the ability 04:43 to have compassion toward another individual. 04:46 And toward themselves. And toward themselves. 04:48 They've lost touch with their core values 04:50 and they abuse the very people that they love the most. 04:53 So, when we practice compassion and as Jesus Christ did, 04:58 then we begin to understand the other person, 05:02 and we are less likely to ever want to hurt that person. 05:06 What Stosny and others teach also is that when we submit, 05:09 what we submit 05:11 is the compassion of our spouse. 05:14 We submit to their compassion for us, 05:16 their ability to identify with us to see, 05:19 to have our pain in their heart. 05:21 We submit to that compassion. 05:22 And that's a safe place to submit, 05:24 that's why we submit to in God 05:25 is that I have compassion for you, 05:27 therefore God is ultimately safe for me to submit to. 05:30 Ultimately safe. Yes. 05:31 So, if we're going to be in a partnership, 05:33 we're going to be in this together. 05:35 And I know that you have compassion for me, 05:38 I'm gonna be drawn into that much more 05:40 because I know, I'll be safe there 05:42 and you will be safe with me. 05:44 It's a partnership. 05:46 Again, I want to get back to this idea of compassion. 05:50 I think that this is something 05:51 that not only do we need is a family 05:55 but as a church. 05:57 The church needs to be seen as the centre of compassion. 05:59 Compassion draws people. 06:01 We talked about the aunt who is always right. 06:05 Being right did not draw people to her. 06:07 No. 06:09 In fact, you had to make-- 06:10 You had to decide to love her 06:11 because she was not easy to love. 06:13 Being right doesn't make you loving. 06:15 Sometimes the church focuses more on being right. 06:17 It's always good to be right. 06:19 I'm not suggesting anything else. 06:20 We know we want straight sound doctrine, 06:23 but even more important than have straight sound doctrine 06:26 is having compassion 06:28 which is the love of God for others. 06:30 And if we're seen as a place of compassion, 06:33 then people will care what we're right about. 06:35 And you know, we saw that with that aunt. 06:37 Yes. 06:39 Because there were times when, you know, 06:40 when you can kind of past the exterior with her 06:44 and really begin to ask her, how are you doing? 06:47 Yes. How are things with you? 06:49 And when she would really begin to open up, 06:51 then I found that there was a place of connection there 06:55 and when she was dying, 06:58 I talked to her on the phone when she first had a stroke. 07:01 And I begin to hear from her, she started to ask me questions 07:06 about what do you think God thinks about me. 07:09 And would you sing with me, and she began to sing 07:11 "Lead me gently home, Father." 07:13 And so, you know, 07:15 just reaching out to her in compassion 07:18 began to soften her and draw her in. 07:21 Compassion draws the other person, 07:23 it draws us to each other. 07:25 If I want to be the leader in my home, 07:27 I must first demonstrate compassion 07:28 and if I do, my children follow me, 07:32 you follow me. 07:33 Again, a lot is made of being head of household, 07:35 I've never once declared, I'm the head of this household. 07:38 But my children have told me that I am, 07:40 that you've told that I am. 07:42 And by God's grace as I demonstrate compassion 07:45 toward you and toward the children 07:47 and now toward our grandchildren. 07:49 Yes. 07:51 You know, that's what they look to as a leader, 07:54 because that's the leadership model of Christ 07:56 is the one of compassion. 07:57 So, I think establishing that corporate identity, 08:00 this is who we are, this is what we do 08:02 and then rehearsing that corporate identity, 08:05 because we are Tuckers, this is what we do. 08:07 And we found out with our own children, 08:10 when we would observe with them someone else making a mistake. 08:14 Ordinarily what we do instead of condemning the mistake, 08:16 we would say, you know, I want to thank your children, 08:19 because you're part of our family. 08:21 That's not what we do, is it? 08:23 We've chosen differently. We make different choices. 08:26 And that just reinforced in their little minds 08:29 exactly who we are, because we're part of this family. 08:31 These are the choices we make, 08:33 because this is the family we are. 08:34 And there's a wisdom to making these choices 08:36 versus the choices we see others make 08:38 because we avoid that heartache, 08:40 we avoid that sorrow. 08:41 We are making different choices, 08:43 because this is a part of our corporate identity. 08:45 This is who we are as followers of Jesus Christ. 08:48 This is who we are as a part of team Tucker, 08:51 that shared corporate identity. 08:53 And we have another motto that came in. 08:56 We thought we would talk about it 08:57 just for the last few minutes. 08:58 It says, I'd rather be poor with you than rich without you. 09:03 Is that true? I know rich sounds pretty good. 09:05 It does sound good, doesn't it but... 09:07 I had the poor part. Yeah. 09:10 We understand what it's like to be poor together 09:12 but being rich together. 09:14 But, you know, the truth is that, 09:16 that says I value you more than I value money. 09:20 It doesn't mean that it's wrong to have money together. 09:24 It means that what I value is first Jesus 09:27 and then you and, you know, if we have money, that's nice. 09:31 And if we don't have money, okay, we can deal with that, 09:34 but I want you more than I want money. 09:37 It also says, I recognized the fact 09:39 that there will be ups and downs financially. 09:43 Every couple will have financial ups and downs. 09:46 Things will happen that you do not plan on. 09:49 Yes. 09:50 You know, sometimes things are totally out of your control. 09:52 Sometimes you make bad decisions 09:54 and put yourself in a bad spot. 09:55 That happens as well. 09:56 Sometimes, you know, 09:58 there are just a lot of expenses, 09:59 maybe there is illness, whatever. 10:01 There are expenses, there are ups and downs 10:04 and yet the team is what's important, 10:07 the two of us together. 10:08 I'd rather be with you and not have anything 10:11 than to not have you 10:13 because you're what's important in my life. 10:15 There's more reason why couples fight today, 10:17 still about money. 10:19 And I think it's because we get our priorities messed up 10:21 as much as anything else. 10:23 But those ups and downs that you've talked about. 10:26 Obviously you and I have gone through those as well. 10:28 You can't be married as long as we've been married 10:31 and not have ups and downs. 10:33 And, I want to take the opportunity 10:35 to thank you for something. 10:37 A number of years ago, those of you are watching, 10:39 you don't know the story and you never will know it 10:41 and that's fine. 10:42 But years ago, we had a significant, 10:44 I mean a catastrophic financial loss. 10:47 And it wasn't because of anything we had done, 10:50 it was something that happened to us, 10:52 that was actually for the most part 10:54 out of our control. 10:55 But if you had to caste blame anywhere, 10:58 if you had to look at one of us and say it's your fault 11:00 and not yours, you can point the finger at me. 11:02 It was closer to being my fault than it was Gayle's. 11:05 And yet through that entire experience, 11:07 and I mean, this is a catastrophic loss 11:09 that we've not fully recovered from yet. 11:12 I don't know that we will. 11:13 We may work until we're 90 11:15 and then retire because of this catastrophic. 11:17 And that's okay, you know, as Lord gives us health, 11:20 we'll work till we're 90. 11:22 But through that whole experience, 11:24 even at the worst and you never once blamed me. 11:28 You never once threatened to leave. 11:29 You never once put guilt or shame on me as a man. 11:35 And instead, 11:36 you always had this identity of I want to be with you, 11:39 that decision has been made. 11:41 Now, let's make the next decision 11:43 how do we recover from this. 11:44 What are we gonna do about it. 11:46 You know, and that's always the question, 11:47 it's not whose fault is this, 11:50 where we're gonna place the blame, 11:51 it's now, what's the next step? 11:53 Where do we go from here? 11:55 And by the way I've never seen a marriage improve 11:57 by knowing where to place the blame. 11:59 No. But we tend to think that's important. 12:01 Yeah, we do. Whose fault is this? 12:03 Well... 12:04 It's again to being right, is it not? 12:06 It is. It is. 12:07 And it's natural, we all feel that. 12:09 And it's okay, and I think to go through that stage of, 12:12 you know, how did we get here and why? 12:14 Yeah, it's fine. 12:15 That's understandable. That's all right. 12:17 But ultimately we have to come to the point 12:18 where we say, regardless of how we got here, 12:21 we're moving forward, what's our next step. 12:24 And we're going to move forward together 12:26 because I don't want to be without this person 12:29 that God gave me. 12:30 Yeah, that's you. 12:32 And it's valuing the other person. 12:33 And quite frankly, as catastrophic as this was, 12:36 there was a time when I wondered, you know, 12:38 surely, she is having thoughts about this. 12:41 Surely, she doesn't want to be in the midst of all this mess 12:43 that we got going on. 12:45 Oh, certainly not. Yeah. 12:47 But, you made it clear to me through not just words 12:51 but behavior and attitude 12:53 that there was never a thought in your mind 12:56 of cutting and running. 12:57 No. 12:58 Got to cut my losses and get out of dodge quick. 13:00 Not at all. You never once came that way. 13:02 And I've seen couples who have done that though. 13:04 I've seen them where they said, you know, 13:05 this is just too big, I got to get out of here. 13:07 Well, and sometimes it's a really big stress, 13:09 you know, and when if it has to do with people 13:12 making really bad decisions 13:13 and repeated decisions that are bad, 13:15 that's very difficult. 13:17 Yeah, it is tough. 13:18 But basically what we're saying in this motto is just a fact 13:22 that in all those ups and downs of life, 13:24 whether it's finances or anything else, 13:26 we're gonna be together. 13:28 And so, finances are one part of that. 13:30 And realizing that we're in it together, 13:33 George Mannes says this, 13:35 "Spouses who get in each other's face over money 13:38 seldom succeed financially." 13:40 So, basically what he is saying is it's not going to help you 13:43 to have those arguments, 13:45 to get in your spouse's face and say, 13:47 what's wrong with you, this is your fault, 13:49 that's not gonna help. 13:50 But you also got a quote 13:52 about couples that have financial harmony. 13:54 It says, "It's rare to have financial harmony 13:56 and still want to dump each other." 13:58 All right. 13:59 But the truth is, I still want you 14:00 more than I want money. 14:02 That's right. 14:03 We want you to choose this 14:04 because you need to be madly in love. |
Revised 2016-04-04