We're back.
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We've been talking
about mottos for marriage
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and we're talking about choosing
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as the first
category of these mottos.
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And the motto that
we were talking about
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just before we
left for the break was,
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it's a partnership,
we're in this together.
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We've talked
about the business plan
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that successful businesses have.
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They kind of set a
corporate identity,
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do they not?
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They do, and I think
that's good for us as a family,
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you know, to know our identity.
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Who we are? Where we're going?
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What drives us? How
are we going to get there?
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I think all of
those things are things
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that we can
actually sit down and decide.
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And then we can articulate them.
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You know, this is something
that happen in my family.
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My dad used to articulate
the identity in this family.
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You know, this is what we do.
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This is who we are.
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And I never
really thought about that
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because it was so
much a part of our culture,
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you know, he just
talked about whom we were,
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you know, my
maiden name was Whittaker.
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And, well, the
Whittakers do this
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and the Whittakers believe that.
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And I grew up being
just a part of that identity
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and this is what we do,
this is the way we behave
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because we're
part of this family.
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So, I think it's important
for all families to do that,
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to have an identity.
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What is, what are our goals?
What are we accomplishing?
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How are we blessing
the people around us?
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How are we going to behave?
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How will people see us
because we are the Tuckers,
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or because we are the
Smiths or we are the whoever?
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And as the Tuckers, what
is our corporate identify.
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Therefore, every
decision we make,
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every choice we make
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is based upon the ultimate goal.
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As the corporate
identify is this,
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what do we do to get there.
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If the corporate identity
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as we discussed before the break
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is to make the
ultimate driving machine,
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then everything goes
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into making that
ultimate driving machine.
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It doesn't mean that
the engineers are now at war
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against the frontline
employees who are assembling.
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They are not at war
against the management
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or against the adverting
people or the sales people.
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We are a corporation
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and our job is to create
the ultimate driving machine.
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As Tuckers, we are not
at war against each other.
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I'm not war against you,
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I'm not in competition
against our children.
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We are a corporate
unit accomplishing the goal
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of proclaiming the
gospel of Jesus Christ,
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establishing His
love in our family,
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demonstrating
that love to the world.
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That's a part of
our corporate identity.
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Yeah, and I think the
second part of the saying,
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we're in it together.
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I think that also reminds us
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that we have to have
a heart for one another.
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We have to have a
heart of compassion
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toward one another.
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Compassion is a tremendously
powerful part of a relationship
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because compassion says,
I understand who you are,
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I understand where
you're coming from,
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I see when you
hurt, I identify with you.
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And how can I be in
partnership with you
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if I don't really understand you
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and I don't open my heart enough
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to see who you are
and what's going on.
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Compassion is, is a word
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that someone
define for me not long ago
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and their definition
was your pain in my heart.
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That's awesome. I love that.
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You know, it's just a
simple down-home definition
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but it's your pain
in my heart, that means,
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I'm going to really see you,
I'm going to know who you are
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and when something hurts you,
I'm going to understand that,
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I'm going to feel that pain
and have compassion for you.
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Part of God's self proclamation
is to His personal identity
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in Exodus 33 and 34 was
that He was compassionate,
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slow to anger.
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But being compassionate
means that He says,
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"Your pain in my heart."
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Our pain is in the heart of God.
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And so, He models
this role of compassion,
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that compassionate leader,
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the compassionate
head of our church family
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and of me, Mike Tucker,
follower of Jesus Christ.
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He has compassion for me.
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And I'm to take that
compassion that is given to me,
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my pain in God's heart
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and extend that
to you as my wife
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and to my children, and
then extend it more broadly
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to people in the church,
people in our neighborhood,
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to the world,
your pain in my heart,
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the compassion of
Christ for others.
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The compassion.
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You know, Steven
Stosny talks about this.
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He has a foundation
called Compassion Power.
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And he really talks
about the power that we have
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in this little
thing called compassion.
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Compassion allows
me to not abuse people
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because I
understand who they are.
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Abusers he says
have lost the ability
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to have compassion
toward another individual.
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And toward themselves.
And toward themselves.
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They've lost touch
with their core values
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and they abuse the very
people that they love the most.
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So, when we practice compassion
and as Jesus Christ did,
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then we begin to
understand the other person,
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and we are less likely to
ever want to hurt that person.
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What Stosny and others teach
also is that when we submit,
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what we submit
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is the compassion of our spouse.
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We submit to
their compassion for us,
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their ability to
identify with us to see,
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to have our pain in their heart.
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We submit to that compassion.
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And that's a
safe place to submit,
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that's why we submit to in God
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is that I have
compassion for you,
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therefore God is ultimately
safe for me to submit to.
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Ultimately safe. Yes.
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So, if we're going
to be in a partnership,
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we're going to
be in this together.
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And I know that you
have compassion for me,
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I'm gonna be drawn
into that much more
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because I know,
I'll be safe there
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and you will be safe with me.
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It's a partnership.
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Again, I want to get back
to this idea of compassion.
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I think that this is something
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that not only do
we need is a family
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but as a church.
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The church needs to be seen
as the centre of compassion.
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Compassion draws people.
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We talked about the
aunt who is always right.
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Being right did
not draw people to her.
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No.
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In fact, you had to make--
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You had to decide to love her
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because she was
not easy to love.
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Being right
doesn't make you loving.
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Sometimes the church
focuses more on being right.
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It's always good to be right.
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I'm not
suggesting anything else.
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We know we want
straight sound doctrine,
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but even more important than
have straight sound doctrine
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is having compassion
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which is the love
of God for others.
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And if we're seen as
a place of compassion,
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then people will care
what we're right about.
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And you know, we
saw that with that aunt.
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Yes.
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Because there were
times when, you know,
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when you can kind of
past the exterior with her
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and really begin to
ask her, how are you doing?
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Yes. How are things with you?
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And when she would
really begin to open up,
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then I found that there
was a place of connection there
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and when she was dying,
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I talked to her on the phone
when she first had a stroke.
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And I begin to hear from her,
she started to ask me questions
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about what do you
think God thinks about me.
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And would you sing with
me, and she began to sing
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"Lead me gently home, Father."
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And so, you know,
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just reaching out
to her in compassion
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began to soften
her and draw her in.
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Compassion draws
the other person,
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it draws us to each other.
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If I want to be
the leader in my home,
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I must first
demonstrate compassion
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and if I do, my
children follow me,
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you follow me.
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Again, a lot is made of
being head of household,
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I've never once declared,
I'm the head of this household.
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But my children
have told me that I am,
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that you've told that I am.
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And by God's grace as
I demonstrate compassion
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toward you and
toward the children
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and now toward
our grandchildren.
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Yes.
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You know, that's what
they look to as a leader,
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because that's the
leadership model of Christ
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is the one of compassion.
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So, I think establishing
that corporate identity,
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this is who we
are, this is what we do
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and then rehearsing
that corporate identity,
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because we are
Tuckers, this is what we do.
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And we found out
with our own children,
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when we would observe with them
someone else making a mistake.
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Ordinarily what we do instead
of condemning the mistake,
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we would say, you know, I
want to thank your children,
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because you're
part of our family.
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That's not what we do, is it?
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We've chosen differently.
We make different choices.
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And that just
reinforced in their little minds
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exactly who we are, because
we're part of this family.
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These are the choices we make,
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because this is
the family we are.
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And there's a wisdom
to making these choices
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versus the
choices we see others make
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because we avoid that heartache,
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we avoid that sorrow.
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We are making different choices,
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because this is a part
of our corporate identity.
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This is who we are as
followers of Jesus Christ.
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This is who we are as
a part of team Tucker,
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that shared corporate identity.
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And we have
another motto that came in.
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We thought we
would talk about it
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just for the last few minutes.
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It says, I'd rather be poor
with you than rich without you.
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Is that true? I know
rich sounds pretty good.
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It does sound
good, doesn't it but...
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I had the poor part. Yeah.
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We understand what it's
like to be poor together
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but being rich together.
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But, you know,
the truth is that,
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that says I value you
more than I value money.
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It doesn't mean that it's
wrong to have money together.
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It means that what
I value is first Jesus
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and then you and, you know,
if we have money, that's nice.
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And if we don't have money,
okay, we can deal with that,
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but I want you
more than I want money.
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It also says, I
recognized the fact
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that there will be
ups and downs financially.
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Every couple will have
financial ups and downs.
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Things will happen
that you do not plan on.
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Yes.
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You know, sometimes things
are totally out of your control.
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Sometimes you make bad decisions
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and put yourself in a bad spot.
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That happens as well.
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Sometimes, you know,
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there are just
a lot of expenses,
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maybe there is
illness, whatever.
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There are expenses,
there are ups and downs
00:10:01.40\00:10:04.00
and yet the team
is what's important,
00:10:04.03\00:10:07.04
the two of us together.
00:10:07.07\00:10:08.40
I'd rather be with
you and not have anything
00:10:08.44\00:10:11.94
than to not have you
00:10:11.97\00:10:13.41
because you're
what's important in my life.
00:10:13.44\00:10:15.94
There's more reason
why couples fight today,
00:10:15.98\00:10:17.75
still about money.
00:10:17.78\00:10:19.18
And I think it's because we
get our priorities messed up
00:10:19.21\00:10:21.45
as much as anything else.
00:10:21.48\00:10:23.28
But those ups and downs
that you've talked about.
00:10:23.32\00:10:26.52
Obviously you and I have
gone through those as well.
00:10:26.55\00:10:28.66
You can't be married as
long as we've been married
00:10:28.69\00:10:31.13
and not have ups and downs.
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And, I want to
take the opportunity
00:10:33.13\00:10:35.40
to thank you for something.
00:10:35.43\00:10:37.03
A number of years ago,
those of you are watching,
00:10:37.07\00:10:39.30
you don't know the story
and you never will know it
00:10:39.33\00:10:41.10
and that's fine.
00:10:41.14\00:10:42.47
But years ago, we
had a significant,
00:10:42.50\00:10:44.37
I mean a
catastrophic financial loss.
00:10:44.41\00:10:47.74
And it wasn't because
of anything we had done,
00:10:47.78\00:10:50.45
it was something
that happened to us,
00:10:50.48\00:10:52.25
that was
actually for the most part
00:10:52.28\00:10:54.55
out of our control.
00:10:54.58\00:10:55.92
But if you had to
caste blame anywhere,
00:10:55.95\00:10:58.29
if you had to look at one
of us and say it's your fault
00:10:58.32\00:11:00.39
and not yours, you can
point the finger at me.
00:11:00.42\00:11:02.62
It was closer to being my
fault than it was Gayle's.
00:11:02.66\00:11:05.86
And yet through
that entire experience,
00:11:05.89\00:11:07.83
and I mean, this
is a catastrophic loss
00:11:07.86\00:11:09.86
that we've not
fully recovered from yet.
00:11:09.90\00:11:11.97
I don't know that we will.
00:11:12.00\00:11:13.34
We may work until we're 90
00:11:13.37\00:11:15.24
and then retire
because of this catastrophic.
00:11:15.27\00:11:17.77
And that's okay, you
know, as Lord gives us health,
00:11:17.81\00:11:20.84
we'll work till we're 90.
00:11:20.88\00:11:22.44
But through that
whole experience,
00:11:22.48\00:11:24.91
even at the worst and
you never once blamed me.
00:11:24.95\00:11:27.98
You never once
threatened to leave.
00:11:28.02\00:11:29.52
You never once put
guilt or shame on me as a man.
00:11:29.55\00:11:35.02
And instead,
00:11:35.06\00:11:36.39
you always had this identity
of I want to be with you,
00:11:36.42\00:11:39.59
that decision has been made.
00:11:39.63\00:11:41.60
Now, let's make
the next decision
00:11:41.63\00:11:43.47
how do we recover from this.
00:11:43.50\00:11:44.83
What are we gonna do about it.
00:11:44.87\00:11:46.23
You know, and
that's always the question,
00:11:46.27\00:11:47.84
it's not whose fault is this,
00:11:47.87\00:11:50.17
where we're
gonna place the blame,
00:11:50.21\00:11:51.77
it's now, what's the next step?
00:11:51.81\00:11:53.88
Where do we go from here?
00:11:53.91\00:11:55.28
And by the way I've
never seen a marriage improve
00:11:55.31\00:11:57.08
by knowing where
to place the blame.
00:11:57.11\00:11:59.15
No. But we tend to
think that's important.
00:11:59.18\00:12:01.88
Yeah, we do.
Whose fault is this?
00:12:01.92\00:12:03.25
Well...
00:12:03.28\00:12:04.62
It's again to
being right, is it not?
00:12:04.65\00:12:05.99
It is. It is.
00:12:06.02\00:12:07.36
And it's
natural, we all feel that.
00:12:07.39\00:12:09.69
And it's okay, and I think
to go through that stage of,
00:12:09.72\00:12:12.73
you know, how did
we get here and why?
00:12:12.76\00:12:14.23
Yeah, it's fine.
00:12:14.26\00:12:15.60
That's understandable.
That's all right.
00:12:15.63\00:12:16.97
But ultimately we
have to come to the point
00:12:17.00\00:12:18.43
where we say,
regardless of how we got here,
00:12:18.47\00:12:21.74
we're moving
forward, what's our next step.
00:12:21.77\00:12:24.67
And we're going to
move forward together
00:12:24.71\00:12:26.64
because I don't want
to be without this person
00:12:26.68\00:12:29.54
that God gave me.
00:12:29.58\00:12:30.91
Yeah, that's you.
00:12:30.95\00:12:32.28
And it's valuing
the other person.
00:12:32.31\00:12:33.65
And quite frankly, as
catastrophic as this was,
00:12:33.68\00:12:36.05
there was a time
when I wondered, you know,
00:12:36.08\00:12:38.72
surely, she is
having thoughts about this.
00:12:38.75\00:12:41.39
Surely, she doesn't want to
be in the midst of all this mess
00:12:41.42\00:12:43.93
that we got going on.
00:12:43.96\00:12:45.29
Oh, certainly not. Yeah.
00:12:45.33\00:12:46.96
But, you made it clear
to me through not just words
00:12:47.00\00:12:51.33
but behavior and attitude
00:12:51.37\00:12:53.54
that there was never
a thought in your mind
00:12:53.57\00:12:56.20
of cutting and running.
00:12:56.24\00:12:57.57
No.
00:12:57.61\00:12:58.94
Got to cut my losses
and get out of dodge quick.
00:12:58.97\00:13:00.71
Not at all. You
never once came that way.
00:13:00.74\00:13:02.74
And I've seen couples
who have done that though.
00:13:02.78\00:13:04.41
I've seen them
where they said, you know,
00:13:04.45\00:13:05.78
this is just too big,
I got to get out of here.
00:13:05.81\00:13:07.25
Well, and sometimes
it's a really big stress,
00:13:07.28\00:13:09.48
you know, and when if
it has to do with people
00:13:09.52\00:13:12.09
making really bad decisions
00:13:12.12\00:13:13.66
and repeated
decisions that are bad,
00:13:13.69\00:13:15.89
that's very difficult.
00:13:15.92\00:13:17.26
Yeah, it is tough.
00:13:17.29\00:13:18.63
But basically what we're saying
in this motto is just a fact
00:13:18.66\00:13:22.26
that in all those
ups and downs of life,
00:13:22.30\00:13:24.63
whether it's
finances or anything else,
00:13:24.67\00:13:26.57
we're gonna be together.
00:13:26.60\00:13:28.00
And so, finances
are one part of that.
00:13:28.04\00:13:30.71
And realizing that
we're in it together,
00:13:30.74\00:13:33.34
George Mannes says this,
00:13:33.38\00:13:35.08
"Spouses who get in
each other's face over money
00:13:35.11\00:13:38.18
seldom succeed financially."
00:13:38.21\00:13:40.45
So, basically what he is saying
is it's not going to help you
00:13:40.48\00:13:43.62
to have those arguments,
00:13:43.65\00:13:45.19
to get in your
spouse's face and say,
00:13:45.22\00:13:47.62
what's wrong with
you, this is your fault,
00:13:47.66\00:13:49.46
that's not gonna help.
00:13:49.49\00:13:50.83
But you also got a quote
00:13:50.86\00:13:52.19
about couples that
have financial harmony.
00:13:52.23\00:13:54.46
It says, "It's rare
to have financial harmony
00:13:54.50\00:13:56.46
and still want
to dump each other."
00:13:56.50\00:13:57.97
All right.
00:13:58.00\00:13:59.33
But the truth
is, I still want you
00:13:59.37\00:14:00.74
more than I want money.
00:14:00.77\00:14:02.10
That's right.
00:14:02.14\00:14:03.47
We want you to choose this
00:14:03.51\00:14:04.84
because you need
to be madly in love.
00:14:04.87\00:14:06.44