Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000081A
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00:18 Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hands."
00:21 I'm Mike Tucker. This is Gayle Tucker. 00:23 We're from Faith for Today Television, 00:24 the oldest religious television broadcast in the world. 00:28 We're the host of Lifestyle Magazine 00:30 and Mad About Marriage. 00:31 You can find us on the web at lifestyle.org 00:35 or madaboutmarriage.com 00:36 or you can follow us on Facebook, 00:38 Twitter, Google Plus, you name it. 00:40 And we're talking about mottos for marriage. 00:43 On our Facebook page, 00:45 we ask couples about their motto, right? 00:46 We did. 00:48 We went to our Facebook friends and we ask them 00:50 what is it that makes marriage work for you. 00:52 And they gave us a lot of insight actually, 00:55 and we found out 00:56 that the insights that they have discover 00:58 are backed up by scientific research, 01:01 the statistics back them up 01:03 and God's word backs them up. 01:05 So, we think it's worth looking at 01:06 some of the mottos from marriage 01:08 that came from our Facebook friends. 01:10 And those mottos we found fall in three distinct categories. 01:14 First category we call choose. That's what we're on now. 01:17 Yes, that means we have to make a choice. 01:20 We have to make a choice to be together. 01:21 We have to make a choice to make it the best it can be. 01:24 Second category was connect. And the last is to communicate. 01:28 Communicate, all right. 01:29 So, we're talking about choices 01:31 and we got a really interesting motto 01:34 that only had two words. 01:35 It's very basic, they use their last name 01:38 and last name happen to be Garvin, 01:40 and so their motto was team Garvin. 01:44 Team Garvin. I like that. 01:45 That's a good motto, isn't it? 01:47 They just reminded themselves over and over 01:49 when things, when something would come up 01:51 that was difficult for them, hey, Team Garvin, 01:54 or something that they were at odds with each other, 01:57 Team Garvin, 01:59 or we got something difficult to face, Team Garvin. 02:02 So, for us Team Tucker, all right? 02:04 That's right. Team Tucker. 02:05 What that does for me is it reminds me 02:07 that you are not the enemy. 02:10 You are on my side, are you not? 02:12 Well, often we think our spouse is the enemy 02:14 because after all they're supposed to please me, 02:17 they're supposed to make me happy. 02:19 They don't think the way I think. 02:21 I had difficultly communicating with them, 02:23 they must be the enemy, but no, we're team. 02:26 Well, couples are at odds with one another 02:28 and they kind of clash, but that is not God's plan 02:30 and that's not how it has to be. 02:32 And a part of it is just remembering 02:34 that we're on the same side. 02:35 Now, I'm a fan of sports as you may happen to know. 02:37 I've noticed that. 02:39 You've noticed that, have you not? 02:40 And I have also noticed that if you're following a team 02:43 and you're wanting them to do well 02:45 and they're having some hard times 02:46 and they start sniping at each other, 02:49 they start blaming each other, 02:51 bank on it, the team's going down. 02:53 That's right. 02:54 They're not gonna have the winning season. 02:55 That's right, the team sport, you got to be together 02:57 and support one another. 02:59 Your teammate has got to have your back, 03:00 but when you see a real team leader, 03:02 say as a quarterback in the NFL and they've lost 03:05 and he accepts the blame himself 03:07 rather than blaming the offensive line 03:09 or the receiver who just dropped the ball 03:11 or the running back who couldn't find 03:13 the hole in the offensive line. 03:15 When he blame them self 03:16 and not the defense or the coach, 03:18 then you understand, 03:19 he understands the issue of team. 03:21 We are team. 03:22 And everybody on his team who made a mistake 03:24 looks at that leader as says, 'Yeah, he's got my back, 03:27 because he is not outing me, I blew the coverage, 03:30 I blew this responsibility but he's got my back." 03:33 Why wouldn't that work in a marriage as well? 03:36 It would, you know, we win or lose as a team, 03:39 that's what God had in mind in Genesis 2 03:41 when He talked about cleaving to one another 03:44 and being one flesh. 03:45 Yeah. 03:47 What better definition of a team. 03:48 You know, we are together, we are a team. 03:52 You know, sometimes we get caught up 03:54 in this thing of I have to be right. 03:57 You know, and if I just agree with you 04:00 or if I'm, if I'm too close to being on your team, 04:04 then I might not be right all the time, 04:06 but in a team we don't have to be right 04:08 just like the quarterback 04:09 that doesn't have to be the one that says I played a good game. 04:12 Yeah. No, we don't have to be right. 04:15 It's more important to be loving than to be right. 04:18 And I think, you know, that could be another motto. 04:21 It's more important to be loving than to be right. 04:24 I'm going to connect with you better. 04:26 I'm going to feel an intimacy between us better, 04:31 if I'm focusing on loving you 04:34 and not being better than you or being right. 04:37 We in counseling, and you know 04:38 we both have done a lot of marriage counseling 04:40 over the years. 04:42 Very often you run across someone 04:43 who wants to make sure that their spouse 04:46 and everyone else knows I was right. 04:49 And they keep pounding away at this issue 04:51 to demonstrate that they were right 04:53 when they're missing an opportunity to be loving 04:55 which would actually bring you closer together. 04:57 I've never seen anyone brought closer together 04:59 as a result of someone proving that they were right. 05:03 You know, I had a family member, an aunt, 05:07 and this aunt was an expert 05:10 at letting you know that she was right. 05:12 I know your, the aunt, she is no longer alive, 05:16 but I remember her well. 05:18 And we always kind of smile because she had to be right. 05:22 And not only did she have to be right-- 05:24 First of all, preceding that was, 05:27 she always knew everything. Yes. 05:29 So, you know everything and then you have to be right, 05:33 and the third portion of that 05:34 is you have let everybody know you're right. 05:37 And so, she did that frequently, 05:39 she watched for ways to say, 05:42 you know, I told you or like I said... 05:45 Like I said. 05:46 Like I said, that was probably her favorite phrase. 05:47 I heard that phrase from her lips 05:49 I don't know how many time, like I said. 05:51 Like I said. Like I said, I was right. 05:53 I have told you before. 05:54 And, you know, because of that, 05:56 it didn't create a naturally loving atmosphere with her. 06:00 You had to make a decision to love her. 06:03 Yeah, you had to decide to love this woman. 06:04 You did, because it was difficult, 06:06 because she was always making sure 06:09 that you knew that she was just a little bit above you. 06:11 Now, and that came from her feeling 06:13 that maybe she wasn't, you know. 06:16 And I always have to step back and look at that 06:18 and say, you know, I love her, 06:20 because she doesn't feel good about herself. 06:23 She needs to know that she is loved. 06:25 So maybe, if I affirm her, 06:27 my affirmation of her would actually help her. 06:29 You could either lock horns and fight over who is right. 06:32 Or you could let her be right 06:34 and act in a loving way toward her. 06:36 But it's a naturally loving thing, 06:38 it's a more prickly thing when you have to be right. 06:41 And people around you don't really appreciate. 06:43 Well, when I'm insisting upon my being right 06:47 in all of our relationship, in our decision, 06:49 that also imply something else. 06:51 It implies that you were wrong. 06:55 And that means that I'm a step above you, 06:57 I'm elevated because I was right, 06:59 you were wrong. I knew better than you. 07:01 I have more information than you. 07:02 I'm more of the expert than you. 07:04 I have my stuff together and you do not. 07:07 It puts me on a superior position over you 07:10 and I'm always demonstrating that I'm right. 07:12 You can do this by just, you know, pointing to evidence, 07:14 you can do it by pointing to the Bible 07:16 or other religious writings and demonstrate I was right. 07:19 And if you would only do what I told you to do, 07:22 you could be right too. 07:23 Well, what if all of that is absolutely true though. 07:26 What if you were absolutely right 07:28 about whatever point it was you were making. 07:31 And you made it very clear to me 07:33 that you were absolutely right. 07:34 What did that do for our relationship? 07:36 Do you love me more? Not really. 07:38 No, you don't, do you? 07:39 Did that help or what if I have to be, 07:42 you know, I was absolutely right about something, 07:44 but I've to let you know. 07:46 Are you going to feel suddenly closer to me? 07:48 I'm not gonna feel safe with you. 07:50 That's right. 07:51 I'm not gonna feel safe with you. 07:52 So the question is, what have we gained 07:55 if we have to be right. 07:56 It's more important to be loving. 07:58 It's more important to be a team. 08:00 You know what? Maybe together, we made a mistake. 08:03 Maybe next time, we'll get it right. 08:05 Yeah, and it's the old team, the old coach said 08:08 there is no 'I' in team and if I have to be right, 08:11 then I've inserted 'I' into the team 08:13 and I thusly destroy the whole team, haven't I? 08:16 Yeah. All right. 08:19 You know, I think the other thing that happens 08:21 when we have to be right 08:23 is that we're forgetting our responsibility. 08:25 If I have to be right and let you know that I am, 08:29 then I'm forgetting that my responsibility to you 08:32 is to love and cherish you. 08:35 So, I've kind of set that aside in order to put myself up 08:38 on a pedestal in my responsibility, 08:41 my vow said that I would love you 08:43 and cherish you forever. 08:45 So that's really my responsibility. 08:47 And, you know, this is really something I see often 08:50 in conservative Christianity that is truth based. 08:55 Now, we want to believe truth. 08:57 We want biblical truth, we want sound doctrine. 08:59 But when you focus that hard on it, 09:01 then it's important that you'd be right about doctrine 09:03 and not wrong about doctrine. 09:05 And when that carries over into the relationship, 09:08 then we become more interested in being right 09:10 than we do loving 09:12 and that does not meet, serve a marriage well. 09:15 It does not make it a safe loving place. 09:18 It's better to be loving than to be right. 09:19 Absolutely. 09:21 And basically what we're talking about 09:23 is mutual submission to one another, 09:25 preferring one another in love. 09:26 Yeah. 09:28 I think the beauty of this 09:30 is that when we realize we're a team, 09:33 then we get to share everything together. 09:36 You know, we may share our failures, 09:39 but we also share our successes. 09:42 We share our triumphs. 09:44 We share the sorrows and we share the joys. 09:47 We get every part of the experience 09:50 when we realize we're a team, 09:52 everything that we'll do is together. 09:54 That's the one flesh experience that Paul wrote about, 09:57 that was written about in Genesis by Moses 10:00 about becoming one flesh. 10:02 That means that when you have a victory, 10:04 I have a victory. 10:05 But when you have a sorrow, I have a sorrow. 10:08 When you have a pain or a loss, I have a pain or a loss 10:11 because we're one flesh. 10:12 That's a team, we win together, we lose together, 10:16 we suffer together, we triumph together. 10:18 Yeah, and when you have a challenge 10:20 something that's difficult to face. 10:22 Yes. You do. I have that challenge too. 10:24 Nothing affects you that doesn't affect me, 10:26 we're a team. 10:27 And when we are looking at the path of life 10:30 that we have to travel, 10:31 it's not always going to be easy. 10:33 No, it's not. 10:34 So, I want to know that you are there. 10:36 I want to know that there is a partner. 10:37 This comes to our attitude. That's right. 10:39 Now, I want to start with a second motto 10:42 that we received on this program, 10:44 we're gonna take a break before we finish this motto. 10:47 But this is a good motto. 10:48 It says it's a partnership, we're in it together. 10:52 It's a partnership, we're in it together. 10:55 Now, every successful business has kind of a vision, 10:59 a focus, a motto for their business 11:04 and they know where they're going. 11:05 It sets the direction to course of action. 11:08 There is one car company that their motto 11:12 is that we make the ultimate driving machine. 11:17 So, they're not in the business to sell cars, 11:19 they're not in the business 11:21 to have a slick advertising campaign. 11:24 They're in the business to make the best machine. 11:28 And if indeed we're partnership, 11:29 a part of the partnership is to know where we're going, 11:32 what we're doing, what are our ultimate goals. 11:35 Any successful business will know where you're going. 11:38 Any successful marriage will have a plan, 11:41 will have a business plan so to speak 11:43 and will have ultimate goals. 11:44 This is where we're headed, so where are we going? 11:47 So can we literally make a plan for our marriage? 11:51 Well, I think that's a good question 11:53 and there's a question we need to answer inn detail 11:55 when we come back, but the truth is, 11:57 yes, we can have a plan, we need to have a plan. 12:01 Some of that plan is going to be established for us 12:03 by scripture. 12:05 So of it will have to do with our personal goals 12:08 and our personal attitudes regarding relationship 12:12 and what we want to accomplish in our lives. 12:14 You and I had plans. Oh, absolutely. 12:16 More than just one in order to as a part of our goal. 12:19 And number one is to promote the gospel 12:22 and to serve Jesus. 12:23 Absolutely. And doing so to serve others. 12:25 And we've done that together as pastors 12:27 in pastoral ministry, both of us. 12:29 We've shared pastoral responsibilities in churches, 12:31 we do that now with the television ministry 12:34 and outside of work related issues, 12:37 that's a goal of our life 12:38 is to share Jesus Christ in him crucified. 12:40 That's right. 12:42 And then, another goal of ours 12:43 has been to raise our daughters, 12:44 we have two daughters. 12:46 To raise them to know and to love Jesus, 12:49 to be a part of society that contributes 12:51 and makes a contribution to human beings, 12:55 you know, to make things better, 12:57 to make the world better, 12:58 that they're productive citizens. 13:01 You have to make that as a priority. 13:04 Yeah. You know, what are we creating? 13:05 We're creating the ultimate lover of Jesus, you know. 13:08 A lover of Jesus machine, yeah, that is right. 13:11 Well, again, we need to talk about that. 13:13 I also had another goal 13:14 and that was that my daughters would not be in therapy over me 13:17 but that, with that, 13:18 but we can talk about that later when we come back. 13:20 Were gonna take a break. 13:21 We'll be right back right after this. |
Revised 2016-04-04