Welcome to
"Marriage in God's Hands."
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I'm Mike Tucker.
This is Gayle Tucker.
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We're from Faith
for Today Television,
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the oldest religious television
broadcast in the world.
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We're the host of
Lifestyle Magazine
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and Mad About Marriage.
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You can find us on
the web at lifestyle.org
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or madaboutmarriage.com
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or you can
follow us on Facebook,
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Twitter, Google
Plus, you name it.
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And we're talking
about mottos for marriage.
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On our Facebook page,
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we ask couples
about their motto, right?
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We did.
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We went to our
Facebook friends and we ask them
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what is it that makes
marriage work for you.
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And they gave us a
lot of insight actually,
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and we found out
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that the insights
that they have discover
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are backed up by
scientific research,
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the statistics back them up
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and God's word backs them up.
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So, we think
it's worth looking at
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some of the mottos from marriage
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that came from
our Facebook friends.
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And those mottos we found fall
in three distinct categories.
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First category we call choose.
That's what we're on now.
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Yes, that means we
have to make a choice.
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We have to make a
choice to be together.
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We have to make a choice
to make it the best it can be.
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Second category was connect.
And the last is to communicate.
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Communicate, all right.
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So, we're talking about choices
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and we got a
really interesting motto
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that only had two words.
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It's very basic,
they use their last name
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and last name
happen to be Garvin,
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and so their
motto was team Garvin.
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Team Garvin. I like that.
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That's a good motto, isn't it?
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They just reminded
themselves over and over
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when things, when
something would come up
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that was difficult for
them, hey, Team Garvin,
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or something that they
were at odds with each other,
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Team Garvin,
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or we got something
difficult to face, Team Garvin.
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So, for us Team
Tucker, all right?
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That's right. Team Tucker.
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What that does for
me is it reminds me
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that you are not the enemy.
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You are on my side, are you not?
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Well, often we think
our spouse is the enemy
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because after all
they're supposed to please me,
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they're supposed
to make me happy.
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They don't
think the way I think.
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I had difficultly
communicating with them,
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they must be the
enemy, but no, we're team.
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Well, couples are at
odds with one another
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and they kind of clash,
but that is not God's plan
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and that's not how it has to be.
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And a part of it
is just remembering
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that we're on the same side.
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Now, I'm a fan of sports
as you may happen to know.
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I've noticed that.
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You've noticed
that, have you not?
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And I have also noticed
that if you're following a team
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and you're
wanting them to do well
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and they're
having some hard times
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and they start
sniping at each other,
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they start blaming each other,
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bank on it, the
team's going down.
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That's right.
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They're not gonna
have the winning season.
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That's right, the team
sport, you got to be together
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and support one another.
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Your teammate has
got to have your back,
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but when you see
a real team leader,
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say as a quarterback in
the NFL and they've lost
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and he accepts the blame himself
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rather than
blaming the offensive line
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or the receiver who
just dropped the ball
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or the running
back who couldn't find
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the hole in the offensive line.
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When he blame them self
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and not the
defense or the coach,
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then you understand,
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he understands
the issue of team.
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We are team.
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And everybody on his
team who made a mistake
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looks at that leader as
says, 'Yeah, he's got my back,
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because he is not
outing me, I blew the coverage,
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I blew this responsibility
but he's got my back."
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Why wouldn't that
work in a marriage as well?
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It would, you know,
we win or lose as a team,
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that's what God had
in mind in Genesis 2
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when He talked about
cleaving to one another
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and being one flesh.
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Yeah.
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What better
definition of a team.
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You know, we are
together, we are a team.
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You know,
sometimes we get caught up
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in this thing of
I have to be right.
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You know, and if I
just agree with you
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or if I'm, if I'm too
close to being on your team,
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then I might not
be right all the time,
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but in a team we
don't have to be right
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just like the quarterback
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that doesn't have to be the one
that says I played a good game.
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Yeah. No, we
don't have to be right.
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It's more important to
be loving than to be right.
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And I think, you know,
that could be another motto.
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It's more important to
be loving than to be right.
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I'm going to
connect with you better.
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I'm going to feel an
intimacy between us better,
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if I'm focusing on loving you
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and not being better
than you or being right.
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We in counseling, and you know
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we both have done a
lot of marriage counseling
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over the years.
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Very often you
run across someone
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who wants to make
sure that their spouse
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and everyone else
knows I was right.
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And they keep
pounding away at this issue
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to demonstrate
that they were right
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when they're missing an
opportunity to be loving
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which would actually
bring you closer together.
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I've never seen anyone
brought closer together
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as a result of someone
proving that they were right.
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You know, I had a
family member, an aunt,
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and this aunt was an expert
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at letting you
know that she was right.
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I know your, the aunt,
she is no longer alive,
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but I remember her well.
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And we always kind of smile
because she had to be right.
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And not only did
she have to be right--
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First of all,
preceding that was,
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she always knew everything. Yes.
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So, you know everything
and then you have to be right,
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and the third portion of that
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is you have let
everybody know you're right.
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And so, she did that frequently,
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she watched for ways to say,
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you know, I told
you or like I said...
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Like I said.
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Like I said, that was
probably her favorite phrase.
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I heard that
phrase from her lips
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I don't know how
many time, like I said.
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Like I said. Like
I said, I was right.
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I have told you before.
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And, you know, because of that,
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it didn't create a naturally
loving atmosphere with her.
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You had to make a
decision to love her.
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Yeah, you had to
decide to love this woman.
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You did, because
it was difficult,
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because she was
always making sure
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that you knew that she was
just a little bit above you.
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Now, and that
came from her feeling
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that maybe she wasn't, you know.
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And I always have to
step back and look at that
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and say, you know, I love her,
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because she doesn't
feel good about herself.
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She needs to know
that she is loved.
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So maybe, if I affirm her,
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my affirmation of her
would actually help her.
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You could either lock horns
and fight over who is right.
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Or you could let her be right
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and act in a
loving way toward her.
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But it's a
naturally loving thing,
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it's a more prickly thing
when you have to be right.
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And people around you
don't really appreciate.
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Well, when I'm
insisting upon my being right
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in all of our
relationship, in our decision,
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that also imply something else.
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It implies that you were wrong.
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And that means that
I'm a step above you,
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I'm elevated
because I was right,
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you were wrong. I
knew better than you.
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I have more
information than you.
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I'm more of the expert than you.
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I have my stuff
together and you do not.
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It puts me on a
superior position over you
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and I'm always
demonstrating that I'm right.
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You can do this by just,
you know, pointing to evidence,
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you can do it by
pointing to the Bible
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or other religious writings
and demonstrate I was right.
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And if you would only
do what I told you to do,
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you could be right too.
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Well, what if all of that
is absolutely true though.
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What if you
were absolutely right
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about whatever point
it was you were making.
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And you made it very clear to me
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that you were absolutely right.
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What did that do
for our relationship?
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Do you love me more? Not really.
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No, you don't, do you?
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Did that help or
what if I have to be,
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you know, I was absolutely
right about something,
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but I've to let you know.
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Are you going to feel
suddenly closer to me?
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I'm not gonna
feel safe with you.
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That's right.
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I'm not gonna
feel safe with you.
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So the question
is, what have we gained
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if we have to be right.
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It's more
important to be loving.
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It's more
important to be a team.
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You know what? Maybe
together, we made a mistake.
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Maybe next time,
we'll get it right.
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Yeah, and it's the old
team, the old coach said
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there is no 'I' in team
and if I have to be right,
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then I've
inserted 'I' into the team
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and I thusly destroy
the whole team, haven't I?
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Yeah. All right.
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You know, I think the
other thing that happens
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when we have to be right
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is that we're
forgetting our responsibility.
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If I have to be right
and let you know that I am,
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then I'm forgetting
that my responsibility to you
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is to love and cherish you.
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So, I've kind of set that
aside in order to put myself up
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on a pedestal in
my responsibility,
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my vow said
that I would love you
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and cherish you forever.
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So that's really
my responsibility.
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And, you know, this is
really something I see often
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in conservative Christianity
that is truth based.
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Now, we want to believe truth.
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We want biblical
truth, we want sound doctrine.
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But when you
focus that hard on it,
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then it's important that
you'd be right about doctrine
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and not wrong about doctrine.
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And when that carries
over into the relationship,
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then we become more
interested in being right
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than we do loving
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and that does not
meet, serve a marriage well.
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It does not make it
a safe loving place.
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It's better to be
loving than to be right.
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Absolutely.
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And basically what
we're talking about
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is mutual
submission to one another,
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preferring one another in love.
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Yeah.
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I think the beauty of this
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is that when we
realize we're a team,
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then we get to
share everything together.
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You know, we may
share our failures,
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but we also share our successes.
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We share our triumphs.
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We share the sorrows
and we share the joys.
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We get every
part of the experience
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when we realize we're a team,
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everything that
we'll do is together.
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That's the one flesh experience
that Paul wrote about,
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that was written
about in Genesis by Moses
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about becoming one flesh.
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That means that
when you have a victory,
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I have a victory.
00:10:04.20\00:10:05.53
But when you have a
sorrow, I have a sorrow.
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When you have a pain or a
loss, I have a pain or a loss
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because we're one flesh.
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That's a team, we win
together, we lose together,
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we suffer together,
we triumph together.
00:10:16.61\00:10:18.78
Yeah, and when
you have a challenge
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something that's
difficult to face.
00:10:20.38\00:10:22.05
Yes. You do. I
have that challenge too.
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Nothing affects you
that doesn't affect me,
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we're a team.
00:10:26.55\00:10:27.89
And when we are
looking at the path of life
00:10:27.92\00:10:30.56
that we have to travel,
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it's not always
going to be easy.
00:10:31.96\00:10:33.29
No, it's not.
00:10:33.33\00:10:34.66
So, I want to know
that you are there.
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I want to know
that there is a partner.
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This comes to our
attitude. That's right.
00:10:37.60\00:10:39.63
Now, I want to
start with a second motto
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that we
received on this program,
00:10:42.27\00:10:44.61
we're gonna take a break
before we finish this motto.
00:10:44.64\00:10:47.18
But this is a good motto.
00:10:47.21\00:10:48.54
It says it's a partnership,
we're in it together.
00:10:48.58\00:10:52.81
It's a partnership,
we're in it together.
00:10:52.85\00:10:55.25
Now, every successful
business has kind of a vision,
00:10:55.28\00:10:59.82
a focus, a motto
for their business
00:10:59.85\00:11:03.99
and they know
where they're going.
00:11:04.03\00:11:05.43
It sets the
direction to course of action.
00:11:05.46\00:11:08.06
There is one car
company that their motto
00:11:08.10\00:11:11.97
is that we make the
ultimate driving machine.
00:11:12.00\00:11:17.31
So, they're not in
the business to sell cars,
00:11:17.34\00:11:19.77
they're not in the business
00:11:19.81\00:11:21.14
to have a slick
advertising campaign.
00:11:21.18\00:11:24.11
They're in the business
to make the best machine.
00:11:24.15\00:11:28.02
And if indeed we're partnership,
00:11:28.05\00:11:29.45
a part of the partnership
is to know where we're going,
00:11:29.48\00:11:32.39
what we're doing, what
are our ultimate goals.
00:11:32.42\00:11:35.42
Any successful business
will know where you're going.
00:11:35.46\00:11:38.03
Any successful
marriage will have a plan,
00:11:38.06\00:11:40.96
will have a
business plan so to speak
00:11:41.00\00:11:43.30
and will have ultimate goals.
00:11:43.33\00:11:44.67
This is where we're
headed, so where are we going?
00:11:44.70\00:11:47.10
So can we literally
make a plan for our marriage?
00:11:47.14\00:11:51.01
Well, I think
that's a good question
00:11:51.04\00:11:53.24
and there's a question
we need to answer inn detail
00:11:53.27\00:11:55.48
when we come
back, but the truth is,
00:11:55.51\00:11:57.41
yes, we can have a
plan, we need to have a plan.
00:11:57.45\00:12:01.15
Some of that plan is
going to be established for us
00:12:01.18\00:12:03.69
by scripture.
00:12:03.72\00:12:05.59
So of it will have to
do with our personal goals
00:12:05.62\00:12:08.09
and our personal
attitudes regarding relationship
00:12:08.12\00:12:12.06
and what we want to
accomplish in our lives.
00:12:12.09\00:12:14.10
You and I had
plans. Oh, absolutely.
00:12:14.13\00:12:16.36
More than just one in
order to as a part of our goal.
00:12:16.40\00:12:19.87
And number one is
to promote the gospel
00:12:19.90\00:12:22.24
and to serve Jesus.
00:12:22.27\00:12:23.61
Absolutely. And
doing so to serve others.
00:12:23.64\00:12:24.97
And we've done
that together as pastors
00:12:25.01\00:12:27.01
in pastoral
ministry, both of us.
00:12:27.04\00:12:29.18
We've shared pastoral
responsibilities in churches,
00:12:29.21\00:12:31.51
we do that now with
the television ministry
00:12:31.55\00:12:34.38
and outside of
work related issues,
00:12:34.42\00:12:37.59
that's a goal of our life
00:12:37.62\00:12:38.95
is to share Jesus
Christ in him crucified.
00:12:38.99\00:12:40.62
That's right.
00:12:40.66\00:12:41.99
And then, another goal of ours
00:12:42.02\00:12:43.36
has been to raise our daughters,
00:12:43.39\00:12:44.73
we have two daughters.
00:12:44.76\00:12:46.09
To raise them to
know and to love Jesus,
00:12:46.13\00:12:49.03
to be a part of
society that contributes
00:12:49.06\00:12:51.60
and makes a
contribution to human beings,
00:12:51.63\00:12:55.80
you know, to make things better,
00:12:55.84\00:12:57.31
to make the world better,
00:12:57.34\00:12:58.74
that they're
productive citizens.
00:12:58.77\00:13:01.24
You have to make
that as a priority.
00:13:01.28\00:13:04.05
Yeah. You know,
what are we creating?
00:13:04.08\00:13:05.41
We're creating the ultimate
lover of Jesus, you know.
00:13:05.45\00:13:08.92
A lover of Jesus
machine, yeah, that is right.
00:13:08.95\00:13:11.72
Well, again, we
need to talk about that.
00:13:11.75\00:13:13.36
I also had another goal
00:13:13.39\00:13:14.72
and that was that my daughters
would not be in therapy over me
00:13:14.76\00:13:17.03
but that, with that,
00:13:17.06\00:13:18.39
but we can talk about
that later when we come back.
00:13:18.43\00:13:20.20
Were gonna take a break.
00:13:20.23\00:13:21.56
We'll be right
back right after this.
00:13:21.60\00:13:23.70