Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000080B
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00:03 Welcome back to "Marriage in God's hand."
00:05 We're talking today about mottos 00:08 that successful couples have used 00:10 in order to make their marriage work. 00:11 And by the way, if you would like 00:13 to follow us on Facebook you can. 00:15 There's a Mad about Marriage page there that you can like. 00:18 You can go to our web page madaboutmarriage.com 00:20 You'll find the Madly in Love blog, 00:22 and other videos, and other resources to help you. 00:24 We're on Twitter as well. 00:25 So you can be in touch 00:27 with the Mad about Marriage resources in that way. 00:29 And that's where basically we got these mottos, 00:31 we just ask people on Facebook. 00:32 That's right. 00:34 What are your mottos for marriage? 00:35 We talk to our Facebook friends and said, 00:36 "What are your mottos? 00:38 What have you found that makes your marriage successful? 00:40 What works for the two of you?" 00:42 I've got 5,000 very close friends on Facebook. 00:44 Yeah, we're tight. 00:46 You know, all over 5,000 friends 00:47 and of course, then you got 00:48 the thousands of people that follow our 00:50 Mad about Marriage page 00:52 and the other pages that we have as well. 00:53 So, it's a great place to connect 00:55 but also to share resources. 00:57 And we are able to do that on Facebook, Twitter, 00:59 Google Plus, you name it, that's good. 01:01 But so far, we've gotten two mottos and that is, 01:04 the first one is from this day forward 01:06 I owe you another 85 years. 01:07 I'm gonna be with you 85 year. 01:09 So, it's a forever marriage. 01:10 A forever kind of marriage. 01:11 And then the second one is, 01:13 "I will never intentionally hurt you", 01:15 and that's actually our motto. 01:17 That is our motto. 01:18 One that has worked for us for many years. 01:20 Now, there's another on 01:21 that we thought was very worthwhile. 01:24 And this one is called the assumption of good will, 01:27 holding an assumption of good will toward the other person. 01:31 Basically, when we do our marriage seminars, 01:33 we have people come to us all the time. 01:35 You know, they'll kind of come to the end of the seminar 01:37 and they'll say, 01:38 "You know the principles that you teach are wonderful, 01:40 I love all these things, they really make sense. 01:43 I wish that we could apply them in our marriage, 01:46 but my spouse just doesn't care to make any changes. 01:49 My spouse doesn't really care about our marriage, 01:51 I'm the only one here who cares." 01:54 And that's a really lonely feeling. 01:56 It is a very lonely feeling. 01:57 But I think if we can turn that around 02:00 and instead of saying, "I'm the only one." 02:03 If we can say, have it, how, excuse me, 02:06 if we can hold an assumption 02:08 of good will toward the other person, 02:10 and toward the marriage. 02:12 An assumption of good will basically says, 02:15 "All right, I want the very best for this marriage. 02:18 I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work." 02:20 "I would never intentionally hurt you." 02:22 That's right. 02:24 "If you ask for something 02:25 that I'm reasonably able to provide, 02:27 I'm going to do that. 02:28 I'm going to meet your needs 02:29 as best I am able in this marriage. 02:31 I want the best for you. 02:33 I want the best for the relationship." 02:35 So, that's the first part but the second part is, 02:37 I assume that you want the same things. 02:39 That's right. 02:40 A marriage tip, or marriage principle, 02:43 or marriage seminar, or anything else 02:45 is not really going to work for you, 02:47 unless both of you have the assumption 02:49 of good will toward the marriage, 02:50 you're both saying that. 02:52 You know, we may approach this in different ways. 02:54 Right. 02:55 We may have different logic. 02:57 We may get to the same point, you know, 02:58 by a very different path. 03:00 But the bottom line is we both want this marriage to succeed. 03:05 We want to have intimacy. 03:07 We want to have closeness. 03:08 We want to have longevity in our marriage. 03:10 We wanted to be stable. 03:12 We wanted to bring joy. 03:14 That's why we got married. 03:15 So, we both want the same things, 03:17 and I have to assume that you want that as well 03:20 before things begin to come together. 03:24 You know, there, I think there are practical steps 03:25 that we can take in order to get there but, 03:27 but a part of the practical stuff, 03:29 I think is changing our thinking 03:30 about the other person. 03:32 You know, in other words, for me, for this woman to say, 03:36 "I'm the only one who wants 03:37 anything good for our relationship." 03:39 Right. 03:40 You know, she may be right, but she may also be wrong. 03:43 She's doing some mind reading into her husband. 03:46 She's doing what we call negative interpretation. 03:48 Right. 03:49 And it's so easy for us to do that. 03:51 You know, that comes from work from the prep marriage people 03:54 but they... 03:56 Stanley and Markman out of University of Denver. 03:57 That's right, and they identified 03:59 negative parents of communication 04:01 and this is one of them. 04:02 Right. 04:03 That we negatively interpret what the other person says. 04:06 They may say or do something and when we look at that, 04:08 we say, "You say this, but what you really mean this. 04:11 And I know what you mean." 04:13 It takes a great deal of mind reading to do that. 04:14 I've got to say, all right, you're saying that 04:16 but I know inside what you're really thinking, 04:18 what you're thinking, 04:19 then we have something far more negative. 04:21 Now, the truth is, 04:22 even as long as we've been married, 04:24 you cannot read my mind. 04:26 Sometimes I think I can. 04:29 We really, we do think that 04:31 because we've been married a long time. 04:33 When couples have been together a long time, 04:35 that's what they think, right. 04:36 You think, I've been with this man so long 04:38 I know what he's thinking. 04:40 I know what he's going to do next. 04:42 I know exactly what's going through his mind. 04:44 And really we're doing the other person a disservice 04:47 when we, when we say that. 04:49 And we-- often it's a negative way of communicating as well. 04:52 Absolutely, when that woman or that individual 04:55 because we've had this happen more than once. 04:57 Not just a woman but a man has done this 04:59 as well in other places. 05:02 When they come to us and say this, 05:03 "I'm the only one who cares." 05:05 They had now already read something negative 05:07 into their partner's intentions. 05:09 And I think that a part of success is backing that up. 05:13 All right, you may think you have evidence 05:15 that supports this premise, 05:17 that your partner really doesn't want to try. 05:19 Really doesn't want anything to be better. 05:21 And really isn't willing to give to this 05:23 and that may or may not be true, 05:24 but you can't read their mind. 05:26 And so, it's better to take 05:28 a positive assumption about them. 05:30 To take their words at face value, 05:32 and just to assume, 05:33 I want the best for this relationship 05:35 and the best for you. 05:36 And I'm going to assume that 05:38 you want the best for me as well. 05:39 It changes our attitude 05:40 in how we interact with one another 05:42 by making that, that assumption. 05:43 It absolutely does, because then you're both able 05:46 to come to the table and say, 05:47 "All right, we both want the best. 05:49 How we're gonna get there?" 05:50 And that's difficult to do, 05:51 if you've got a backlog of negativity in the relationship. 05:55 But it's essential that we get there. 05:57 It's essential that I look at past all the negativity 06:00 that's gone on in our relationship and say, 06:02 "All right, I'm going to choose to believe the best about you." 06:05 That's right. 06:06 "I'm going to choose to believe that you're a good person 06:08 who wants the best for me." 06:09 And let's say that it's even true, 06:10 that the other person is not really interested. 06:13 They're not really engaged. 06:15 I'm still going to be healthier, 06:16 if my assumption is good will towards you 06:19 and good will toward this marriage 06:20 because then my actions will reflect that 06:23 my attitudes will reflect that, 06:26 and I will have a healthier attitude toward you, 06:29 and I may draw you in simply because of that. 06:33 Not only can I not read your mind, 06:35 but I cannot change your behavior. 06:38 I'm not the one who's responsible for changing 06:40 your behavior, your attitude, your thoughts, I can't do that. 06:44 The only person that I can control 06:46 by God's grace is me. 06:48 And so, I always have to make the healthy choice. 06:51 I can never afford the luxury of an unhealthy choice, 06:54 an unhealthy word, thought or action. 06:57 I cannot afford that luxury. 06:59 That is a luxury to us sometimes. 07:01 Yeah. Yeah. 07:02 We think, "Ah, that felt good just to get them told 07:04 or you know or to indulge my feelings, 07:09 my emotions at the moment." 07:12 But we can't afford that because that's unhealthy, 07:14 it doesn't help us as a couple. 07:16 It always damages the relationship to do that, 07:18 so I have to assume the best about you. 07:21 And then I have to make sure 07:22 that what I do for this marriage 07:24 really is in the best interest of the relationship 07:28 and of your best interest as well. 07:31 And that really is what, what submission is all about 07:34 is preferring the needs of the other person 07:36 above my own needs. 07:38 So, this is an act of submission. 07:40 And of course, Paul talks about 07:41 mutual submission in a relationship. 07:43 Not just woman to a man but mutual submission. 07:45 That means as the man and the leader, 07:47 I need to take the lead by, by submitting, 07:50 by subjugating my needs and my thoughts to yours, 07:54 so that I meet your needs first and that's true submission. 07:58 And that means that I'm going to have 08:00 whole goodwill toward the marriage 08:01 and good will toward you, 08:03 and I'm going to demonstrate that, 08:04 not just with my words, 08:06 but with my behaviors 08:07 by putting your needs ahead of my own. 08:09 You know, I'm thinking too that sometimes 08:12 an assumption of good will toward the marriage, 08:14 having the best will toward the marriage 08:17 is going to mean that I need to make some changes. 08:18 Yes. Changes are hard. 08:21 Yeah, they are hard. 08:22 And none of us like to make them. 08:23 We do not like to make changes. 08:25 No. We're resistant to that. 08:26 I've had people come to the office, you know, 08:28 and I lay out to. 08:30 This happens particularly with men. 08:32 You know, counseling in Texas, 08:34 you get the good old boy in there, 08:36 and I love the good old boy. 08:37 But he'll sit back, and listen to me talk 08:39 about the changes that he needs to make it. 08:40 And he said, you know, 08:42 "She knew I was like this when she married me." 08:46 Oh well, that settles it, doesn't it? 08:48 Well, then why should they ever change, right? 08:49 Absolutely not. 08:51 If you want to see is what you get. 08:53 Yeah, that's right. 08:54 Oh, my word to him is 08:56 "Yes, she, she may have known that, 08:57 she may have and she may not have realized 08:59 that the impact that that 09:00 would have on the relationship." 09:02 However in marriage and in relationships 09:04 everything changes. 09:06 We have to be willing to change 09:08 anything and everything. 09:09 You can't change who you are, 09:11 but you can change what you do. 09:13 And so, that has to be on the table, making the change. 09:16 Well, some other things changed about me, don't they? 09:17 Yeah, that right, I tell him as it, 09:19 after all other things have changed for you. 09:21 He said, "Like what?" 09:22 I said, "Well, when you married her, 09:23 you had a flat belly and hair and that changed, 09:25 so why can't this?" 09:27 They don't usually like that, but it's true, 09:30 everything changes and we need to be 09:32 open to the possibility of change. 09:34 Not, I don't just have to expect you to change, 09:37 I have to be willing to change, 09:39 because the truth is that 09:40 not only am I not married to a perfect person, 09:43 but you are not married to a perfect person either. 09:46 And that's me, so I need to make the changes 09:48 in order to make the marriage better, 09:49 if I'm really going to hold good will 09:51 toward you in the marriage. 09:52 Well, it's called accommodation, isn't it? 09:54 I'm going to accommodate 09:55 your needs, your likes, your dislikes. 09:59 All of the things that you bring to the marriage, 10:02 I'm going to have to accommodate this. 10:04 I may not have even realized they were all there 10:06 when we got married. 10:08 And in fact, I guarantee that I didn't and you didn't. 10:10 That's right. I had no idea what I was getting. 10:12 I know, but as much as we know about each other 10:16 before we're not going to know everything. 10:17 No, you're not. 10:18 You're not going to know, what it's like to live 10:20 day to day with that person. 10:21 And to be on the same path with that person until you're there. 10:24 And then when you are there, you're gonna have to have 10:27 good will toward this thing and say, 10:29 "All right, I want it to work. 10:30 And so I will accommodate, I will do what is needed 10:33 in order to make this thing work." 10:35 So, what are the practical steps? 10:37 All right, practical steps, number one. 10:39 It's pretty easy to demonstrate your goodwill 10:42 if you will number one make changes. 10:45 Look for things that might make you more appealing, 10:49 or might make your behavior more acceptable to your spouse. 10:53 Or might make your spouse happier. 10:55 Yeah, it might make them happier. 10:56 So, make one change for the better today. 10:58 One. 11:00 Just one change for the better, 11:01 something that will be meaningful to your spouse. 11:03 That's step number one. 11:04 Today, I'm going to make one change to be meaningful 11:07 to you and would make your life easier. 11:09 That's step number one, step number two. 11:10 Yeah Tomorrow make another one. 11:14 And then basically persist in those changes. 11:18 Persist in those changes. 11:20 So, it's not, it's not enough to do it just once 11:22 and then go back to the old behavior, right? 11:23 No, so we're going to do it once, 11:25 we're going to persist in it, 11:27 and then we're going to find another thing. 11:29 And persist in that. 11:30 And basically, step number three, 11:32 continue the pattern. 11:34 Continue the pattern, the pattern of finding ways 11:37 to accommodate and to be close to your spouse. 11:41 Find changes that need to be made 11:43 and make them in meaningful ways. 11:45 And then persist in those things. 11:47 People do that when they're dating. 11:48 Oh, they do. 11:50 They do that when they're dating. 11:51 If you know, if I find out that my girlfriend likes flowers, 11:54 I buy flowers. 11:55 If I find out she doesn't like to go to sporting events, 11:58 but likes to go to concerts, we go to concerts, you know. 12:01 You do those things to accommodate one another 12:03 when you're dating because you want, 12:05 you want them to like you, 12:06 and so you clean up, you look good. 12:07 Absolutely. 12:09 So, why wouldn't I do that in marriage as well? 12:11 That is the rest of my life is to find ways to make you happy. 12:15 And that is not odious to me. 12:17 I do that with God. 12:19 I have a relationship with God. 12:20 And there are certain changes that He desires in me, 12:23 because it pleases Him 12:24 and it makes the relationship that much better. 12:27 I'm willing to do that because I love Him. 12:29 And I think that's key is the attitude with which you do it. 12:33 Because, I love this person, I will do this. 12:35 I'm not going to grudgingly make changes, 12:38 I'm not going to grudgingly give in. 12:41 No, I have good will toward this thing. 12:43 I want this to be the best it can possibly be. 12:46 So, I'm going to approach it with the most positive attitude 12:49 I possibly can. 12:51 And that gets us back to step four, 12:53 which we've mentioned earlier and step four is, 12:56 I'm going to change my attitude about you. 12:59 I'm going to, to assume that you want the best for me. 13:02 I want to assume that you want the best for the relationship. 13:06 Now, there may be things that are blocking you 13:08 from doing all the things that I want you to do. 13:10 You know, we all have baggage from our past 13:13 and we have fears and concerns. 13:15 Women tend to deal more with fear, 13:17 and men tend to do deal more with shame. 13:19 And those things become powerful blocking agents 13:22 in making change in our relationship. 13:25 So, we have to be sensitive to those, those blocking agents 13:28 in our relationship with each other, 13:30 understand that fear may stop you and shame may stop me. 13:34 But as we slowly, gently, lovingly make the change 13:37 and accommodate each other, I change my thinking about you, 13:40 and I assume the best about you. 13:43 And as I do that and you see me assuming that... 13:46 I'm absolutely gonna respond. Yeah. 13:48 And that's what happens, when we both put our best 13:51 and we both believe the best about each other, 13:53 we begin to respond to one another. 13:55 All right. 13:56 Well, again today's program has been about making a Choice. 13:59 You can make a choice today. 14:01 And we want you to do this, because we want you to be 14:04 madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-04-04