Welcome back to
"Marriage in God's hand."
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We're talking today about mottos
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that successful
couples have used
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in order to make
their marriage work.
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And by the way,
if you would like
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to follow us on
Facebook you can.
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There's a Mad about Marriage
page there that you can like.
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You can go to our web
page madaboutmarriage.com
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You'll find the
Madly in Love blog,
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and other videos, and
other resources to help you.
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We're on Twitter as well.
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So you can be in touch
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with the Mad about
Marriage resources in that way.
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And that's where
basically we got these mottos,
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we just ask people on Facebook.
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That's right.
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What are your
mottos for marriage?
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We talk to our
Facebook friends and said,
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"What are your mottos?
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What have you found that
makes your marriage successful?
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What works for the two of you?"
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I've got 5,000 very
close friends on Facebook.
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Yeah, we're tight.
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You know, all over 5,000 friends
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and of course, then you got
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the thousands of
people that follow our
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Mad about Marriage page
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and the other pages
that we have as well.
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So, it's a
great place to connect
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but also to share resources.
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And we are able to do
that on Facebook, Twitter,
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Google Plus, you
name it, that's good.
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But so far, we've
gotten two mottos and that is,
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the first one is
from this day forward
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I owe you another 85 years.
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I'm gonna be with you 85 year.
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So, it's a forever marriage.
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A forever kind of marriage.
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And then the second one is,
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"I will never
intentionally hurt you",
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and that's actually our motto.
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That is our motto.
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One that has worked
for us for many years.
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Now, there's another on
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that we thought
was very worthwhile.
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And this one is called
the assumption of good will,
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holding an assumption of good
will toward the other person.
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Basically, when we do
our marriage seminars,
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we have people
come to us all the time.
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You know, they'll kind of
come to the end of the seminar
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and they'll say,
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"You know the principles
that you teach are wonderful,
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I love all these
things, they really make sense.
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I wish that we could
apply them in our marriage,
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but my spouse just doesn't
care to make any changes.
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My spouse doesn't
really care about our marriage,
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I'm the only
one here who cares."
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And that's a
really lonely feeling.
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It is a very lonely feeling.
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But I think if we
can turn that around
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and instead of
saying, "I'm the only one."
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If we can say,
have it, how, excuse me,
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if we can hold an assumption
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of good will
toward the other person,
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and toward the marriage.
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An assumption of
good will basically says,
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"All right, I want the
very best for this marriage.
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I will do whatever it takes
to make this marriage work."
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"I would never
intentionally hurt you."
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That's right.
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"If you ask for something
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that I'm
reasonably able to provide,
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I'm going to do that.
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I'm going to meet your needs
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as best I am
able in this marriage.
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I want the best for you.
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I want the best
for the relationship."
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So, that's the first
part but the second part is,
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I assume that you
want the same things.
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That's right.
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A marriage tip, or
marriage principle,
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or marriage
seminar, or anything else
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is not really
going to work for you,
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unless both of you
have the assumption
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of good will
toward the marriage,
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you're both saying that.
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You know, we may
approach this in different ways.
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Right.
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We may have different logic.
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We may get to the
same point, you know,
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by a very different path.
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But the bottom line is we both
want this marriage to succeed.
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We want to have intimacy.
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We want to have closeness.
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We want to have
longevity in our marriage.
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We wanted to be stable.
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We wanted to bring joy.
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That's why we got married.
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So, we both
want the same things,
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and I have to assume
that you want that as well
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before things
begin to come together.
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You know, there, I think
there are practical steps
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that we can take in
order to get there but,
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but a part of
the practical stuff,
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I think is changing our thinking
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about the other person.
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You know, in other words,
for me, for this woman to say,
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"I'm the only one who wants
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anything good for
our relationship."
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Right.
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You know, she may be right,
but she may also be wrong.
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She's doing some mind
reading into her husband.
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She's doing what we
call negative interpretation.
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Right.
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And it's so easy
for us to do that.
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You know, that comes from work
from the prep marriage people
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but they...
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Stanley and Markman out
of University of Denver.
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That's right,
and they identified
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negative
parents of communication
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and this is one of them.
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Right.
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That we negatively interpret
what the other person says.
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They may say or do something
and when we look at that,
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we say, "You say this,
but what you really mean this.
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And I know what you mean."
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It takes a great deal
of mind reading to do that.
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I've got to say, all
right, you're saying that
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but I know inside what
you're really thinking,
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what you're thinking,
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then we have
something far more negative.
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Now, the truth is,
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even as long as
we've been married,
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you cannot read my mind.
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Sometimes I think I can.
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We really, we do think that
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because we've been
married a long time.
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When couples have
been together a long time,
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that's what they think, right.
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You think, I've been
with this man so long
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I know what he's thinking.
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I know what he's
going to do next.
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I know exactly what's
going through his mind.
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And really we're doing
the other person a disservice
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when we, when we say that.
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And we-- often it's a negative
way of communicating as well.
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Absolutely, when that
woman or that individual
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because we've had
this happen more than once.
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Not just a woman
but a man has done this
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as well in other places.
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When they come
to us and say this,
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"I'm the only one who cares."
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They had now already
read something negative
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into their partner's intentions.
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And I think that a part of
success is backing that up.
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All right, you may
think you have evidence
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that supports this premise,
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that your partner
really doesn't want to try.
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Really doesn't want
anything to be better.
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And really isn't
willing to give to this
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and that may or may not be true,
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but you can't read their mind.
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And so, it's better to take
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a positive
assumption about them.
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To take their
words at face value,
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and just to assume,
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I want the best
for this relationship
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and the best for you.
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And I'm going to assume that
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you want the
best for me as well.
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It changes our attitude
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in how we
interact with one another
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by making that, that assumption.
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It absolutely does,
because then you're both able
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to come to the table and say,
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"All right, we
both want the best.
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How we're gonna get there?"
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And that's difficult to do,
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if you've got a backlog of
negativity in the relationship.
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But it's
essential that we get there.
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It's essential that I
look at past all the negativity
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that's gone on in
our relationship and say,
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"All right, I'm going to choose
to believe the best about you."
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That's right.
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"I'm going to choose to believe
that you're a good person
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who wants the best for me."
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And let's say
that it's even true,
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that the other person
is not really interested.
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They're not really engaged.
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I'm still going to be healthier,
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if my assumption is
good will towards you
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and good will
toward this marriage
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because then my
actions will reflect that
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my attitudes will reflect that,
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and I will have a
healthier attitude toward you,
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and I may draw you in
simply because of that.
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Not only can I
not read your mind,
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but I cannot
change your behavior.
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I'm not the one who's
responsible for changing
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your behavior, your attitude,
your thoughts, I can't do that.
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The only person
that I can control
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by God's grace is me.
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And so, I always have
to make the healthy choice.
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I can never afford the
luxury of an unhealthy choice,
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an unhealthy
word, thought or action.
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I cannot afford that luxury.
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That is a
luxury to us sometimes.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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We think, "Ah, that felt
good just to get them told
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or you know or to
indulge my feelings,
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my emotions at the moment."
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But we can't afford that
because that's unhealthy,
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it doesn't help us as a couple.
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It always damages the
relationship to do that,
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so I have to
assume the best about you.
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And then I have to make sure
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that what I do for this marriage
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really is in the best
interest of the relationship
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and of your best
interest as well.
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And that really is what,
what submission is all about
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is preferring the
needs of the other person
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above my own needs.
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So, this is an
act of submission.
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And of course, Paul talks about
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mutual submission
in a relationship.
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Not just woman to a
man but mutual submission.
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That means as the
man and the leader,
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I need to take the
lead by, by submitting,
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by subjugating my needs
and my thoughts to yours,
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so that I meet your needs first
and that's true submission.
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And that means
that I'm going to have
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whole goodwill
toward the marriage
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and good will toward you,
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and I'm going to
demonstrate that,
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not just with my words,
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but with my behaviors
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by putting your
needs ahead of my own.
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You know, I'm
thinking too that sometimes
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an assumption of good
will toward the marriage,
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having the best
will toward the marriage
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is going to mean that I
need to make some changes.
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Yes. Changes are hard.
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Yeah, they are hard.
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And none of us
like to make them.
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We do not like to make changes.
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No. We're resistant to that.
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I've had people come
to the office, you know,
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and I lay out to.
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This happens
particularly with men.
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You know, counseling in Texas,
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you get the good
old boy in there,
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and I love the good old boy.
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But he'll sit back,
and listen to me talk
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about the changes
that he needs to make it.
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And he said, you know,
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"She knew I was like
this when she married me."
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Oh well, that
settles it, doesn't it?
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Well, then why should
they ever change, right?
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Absolutely not.
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If you want to
see is what you get.
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Yeah, that's right.
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Oh, my word to him is
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"Yes, she, she
may have known that,
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she may have and she
may not have realized
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that the impact that that
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would have on the relationship."
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However in marriage
and in relationships
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everything changes.
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We have to be willing to change
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anything and everything.
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You can't change who you are,
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but you can change what you do.
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And so, that has to be on
the table, making the change.
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Well, some other things
changed about me, don't they?
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Yeah, that
right, I tell him as it,
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after all other
things have changed for you.
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He said, "Like what?"
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I said, "Well,
when you married her,
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you had a flat belly
and hair and that changed,
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so why can't this?"
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They don't usually
like that, but it's true,
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everything
changes and we need to be
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open to the
possibility of change.
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Not, I don't just have
to expect you to change,
00:09:34.34\00:09:37.57
I have to be willing to change,
00:09:37.61\00:09:39.01
because the truth is that
00:09:39.04\00:09:40.48
not only am I not
married to a perfect person,
00:09:40.51\00:09:43.91
but you are not married
to a perfect person either.
00:09:43.95\00:09:46.41
And that's me, so I
need to make the changes
00:09:46.45\00:09:48.18
in order to make
the marriage better,
00:09:48.22\00:09:49.72
if I'm really
going to hold good will
00:09:49.75\00:09:51.09
toward you in the marriage.
00:09:51.12\00:09:52.45
Well, it's called
accommodation, isn't it?
00:09:52.49\00:09:54.09
I'm going to accommodate
00:09:54.12\00:09:55.59
your needs, your
likes, your dislikes.
00:09:55.62\00:09:59.69
All of the things that
you bring to the marriage,
00:09:59.73\00:10:02.86
I'm going to have
to accommodate this.
00:10:02.90\00:10:04.23
I may not have even
realized they were all there
00:10:04.27\00:10:06.60
when we got married.
00:10:06.63\00:10:07.97
And in fact, I guarantee
that I didn't and you didn't.
00:10:08.00\00:10:10.47
That's right. I had no
idea what I was getting.
00:10:10.51\00:10:12.71
I know, but as much as
we know about each other
00:10:12.74\00:10:16.11
before we're not
going to know everything.
00:10:16.14\00:10:17.48
No, you're not.
00:10:17.51\00:10:18.85
You're not going to
know, what it's like to live
00:10:18.88\00:10:20.22
day to day with that person.
00:10:20.25\00:10:21.65
And to be on the same path with
that person until you're there.
00:10:21.68\00:10:24.89
And then when you are
there, you're gonna have to have
00:10:24.92\00:10:27.52
good will toward
this thing and say,
00:10:27.56\00:10:29.22
"All right, I want it to work.
00:10:29.26\00:10:30.76
And so I will accommodate,
I will do what is needed
00:10:30.79\00:10:33.86
in order to make
this thing work."
00:10:33.90\00:10:35.63
So, what are
the practical steps?
00:10:35.66\00:10:37.07
All right,
practical steps, number one.
00:10:37.10\00:10:39.60
It's pretty easy to
demonstrate your goodwill
00:10:39.63\00:10:42.64
if you will
number one make changes.
00:10:42.67\00:10:45.84
Look for things that
might make you more appealing,
00:10:45.87\00:10:49.08
or might make your behavior
more acceptable to your spouse.
00:10:49.11\00:10:53.42
Or might make
your spouse happier.
00:10:53.45\00:10:55.25
Yeah, it might
make them happier.
00:10:55.28\00:10:56.62
So, make one change
for the better today.
00:10:56.65\00:10:58.95
One.
00:10:58.99\00:11:00.32
Just one change for the better,
00:11:00.36\00:11:01.69
something that will be
meaningful to your spouse.
00:11:01.72\00:11:03.53
That's step number one.
00:11:03.56\00:11:04.89
Today, I'm going to make
one change to be meaningful
00:11:04.93\00:11:07.50
to you and would
make your life easier.
00:11:07.53\00:11:09.16
That's step number
one, step number two.
00:11:09.20\00:11:10.80
Yeah Tomorrow make another one.
00:11:10.83\00:11:14.84
And then basically
persist in those changes.
00:11:14.87\00:11:18.71
Persist in those changes.
00:11:18.74\00:11:20.08
So, it's not, it's not
enough to do it just once
00:11:20.11\00:11:21.98
and then go back to
the old behavior, right?
00:11:22.01\00:11:23.35
No, so we're
going to do it once,
00:11:23.38\00:11:25.51
we're going to persist in it,
00:11:25.55\00:11:27.65
and then we're going
to find another thing.
00:11:27.68\00:11:29.45
And persist in that.
00:11:29.48\00:11:30.82
And basically,
step number three,
00:11:30.85\00:11:32.52
continue the pattern.
00:11:32.55\00:11:34.19
Continue the pattern,
the pattern of finding ways
00:11:34.22\00:11:37.16
to accommodate and to
be close to your spouse.
00:11:37.19\00:11:41.33
Find changes
that need to be made
00:11:41.36\00:11:43.03
and make them
in meaningful ways.
00:11:43.06\00:11:45.23
And then
persist in those things.
00:11:45.27\00:11:46.97
People do that
when they're dating.
00:11:47.00\00:11:48.67
Oh, they do.
00:11:48.70\00:11:50.04
They do that
when they're dating.
00:11:50.07\00:11:51.41
If you know, if I find out that
my girlfriend likes flowers,
00:11:51.44\00:11:54.24
I buy flowers.
00:11:54.28\00:11:55.74
If I find out she doesn't
like to go to sporting events,
00:11:55.78\00:11:58.61
but likes to go to concerts,
we go to concerts, you know.
00:11:58.65\00:12:01.48
You do those things to
accommodate one another
00:12:01.52\00:12:03.65
when you're
dating because you want,
00:12:03.69\00:12:05.02
you want them to like you,
00:12:05.05\00:12:06.39
and so you clean
up, you look good.
00:12:06.42\00:12:07.76
Absolutely.
00:12:07.79\00:12:09.12
So, why wouldn't I do
that in marriage as well?
00:12:09.16\00:12:11.29
That is the rest of my life is
to find ways to make you happy.
00:12:11.33\00:12:15.23
And that is not odious to me.
00:12:15.26\00:12:17.37
I do that with God.
00:12:17.40\00:12:19.17
I have a relationship with God.
00:12:19.20\00:12:20.94
And there are certain
changes that He desires in me,
00:12:20.97\00:12:23.47
because it pleases Him
00:12:23.51\00:12:24.84
and it makes the
relationship that much better.
00:12:24.87\00:12:27.21
I'm willing to do
that because I love Him.
00:12:27.24\00:12:29.84
And I think that's key is the
attitude with which you do it.
00:12:29.88\00:12:33.48
Because, I love this
person, I will do this.
00:12:33.52\00:12:35.85
I'm not going to
grudgingly make changes,
00:12:35.88\00:12:38.85
I'm not going to
grudgingly give in.
00:12:38.89\00:12:41.76
No, I have good
will toward this thing.
00:12:41.79\00:12:43.79
I want this to be the
best it can possibly be.
00:12:43.83\00:12:46.83
So, I'm going to approach it
with the most positive attitude
00:12:46.86\00:12:49.83
I possibly can.
00:12:49.86\00:12:51.20
And that gets us
back to step four,
00:12:51.23\00:12:53.13
which we've mentioned
earlier and step four is,
00:12:53.17\00:12:56.24
I'm going to change
my attitude about you.
00:12:56.27\00:12:59.11
I'm going to, to assume
that you want the best for me.
00:12:59.14\00:13:02.91
I want to assume that you want
the best for the relationship.
00:13:02.94\00:13:06.35
Now, there may be
things that are blocking you
00:13:06.38\00:13:08.02
from doing all the
things that I want you to do.
00:13:08.05\00:13:10.29
You know, we all
have baggage from our past
00:13:10.32\00:13:12.99
and we have fears and concerns.
00:13:13.02\00:13:15.06
Women tend to
deal more with fear,
00:13:15.09\00:13:17.19
and men tend to do
deal more with shame.
00:13:17.23\00:13:19.79
And those things become
powerful blocking agents
00:13:19.83\00:13:22.70
in making change
in our relationship.
00:13:22.73\00:13:24.97
So, we have to be sensitive
to those, those blocking agents
00:13:25.00\00:13:28.50
in our
relationship with each other,
00:13:28.54\00:13:30.27
understand that fear may
stop you and shame may stop me.
00:13:30.31\00:13:33.98
But as we slowly,
gently, lovingly make the change
00:13:34.01\00:13:37.65
and accommodate each other,
I change my thinking about you,
00:13:37.68\00:13:40.85
and I assume the best about you.
00:13:40.88\00:13:43.12
And as I do that and
you see me assuming that...
00:13:43.15\00:13:46.35
I'm absolutely
gonna respond. Yeah.
00:13:46.39\00:13:48.66
And that's what happens,
when we both put our best
00:13:48.69\00:13:51.36
and we both believe
the best about each other,
00:13:51.39\00:13:53.56
we begin to
respond to one another.
00:13:53.60\00:13:55.16
All right.
00:13:55.20\00:13:56.67
Well, again today's program
has been about making a Choice.
00:13:56.70\00:13:59.70
You can make a choice today.
00:13:59.73\00:14:01.60
And we want you to do
this, because we want you to be
00:14:01.64\00:14:04.31
madly in love forever.
00:14:04.34\00:14:05.67