Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000080A
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00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's hand.
00:21 We are Mike and Gayle Tucker 00:23 from Faith for Today television, 00:24 the oldest religious television broadcast in the world 00:27 having begun broadcasting in May of 1950. 00:31 That's been a while, hasn't it? It's been quite a while. 00:33 Our flagship programs which we co-host 00:36 are Lifestyle Magazine and Mad about Marriage. 00:39 Mad about Marriage is a segment of Lifestyle Magazine. 00:42 And basically, when we do Mad about Marriage, 00:44 we're asking the question, are you madly in love 00:47 or you're just plain mad? 00:49 And we find that people go back and forth. 00:51 You know, sometimes 00:52 they're madly in love in the morning, 00:53 but by the afternoon 00:55 they want to strangle each other. 00:56 It's kind of common for all of us, isn't? 00:57 It is common for all of us. 00:59 You know, in association 01:00 with Mad about Marriage and Lifestyle Magazine, 01:03 we have Facebook pages, 01:04 we have a blog for Mad about Marriage, 01:07 we have Twitter accounts, all those kinds of things. 01:10 And on our Facebook account, 01:12 we asked if people would help us, 01:15 share with us how they've made their marriage a success. 01:18 We asked if they had a motto for their marriage, 01:20 they're kind of a guiding principle 01:22 that something and oft-repeated phrase 01:24 that would help them get through marriage 01:27 and make their marriages success. 01:29 Well, it's interesting that people have discovered things 01:31 sometimes by trial and error. 01:34 Sometimes, they have just gain wisdom from the scriptures, 01:37 but they have found ways 01:39 to help their marriages be successful. 01:41 And we were very interested 01:43 in all the responses that we got 01:44 because people just responded so quickly. 01:47 "Oh, we do this, here's ours." 01:49 And so, we thought it would be fun 01:51 to share some of those mottos with you. 01:54 And that's what we're gonna do in these programs. 01:55 If you want to know how to make marriage work, 01:57 you look at successful couples. 02:00 And you learn what they've learned. 02:01 And, you know, sometimes a couple will have something 02:04 that doesn't really fit your life 02:06 but the next couple will. 02:07 They'll have something that really fits you. 02:09 And we have found also that there's good research 02:11 behind these mottos, those that are really working. 02:14 There's a research as to why this works. 02:16 Yeah, yeah and that's why 02:18 this is valuable to take a look at these 02:19 because, as you see 02:21 that they are doing a certain thing you realize 02:24 that yes, the statistics back that up. 02:27 Right. This is true. 02:28 The scripture backs it up, 02:30 and however they have come to it, 02:32 they have hit on something 02:33 that's really important and good. 02:35 Now, we found as these mottos came in 02:37 that they really fell in three categories. 02:39 What were those categories? 02:41 Well, the first category was Choice. 02:42 We call it choose. 02:43 I can choose to be in this marriage 02:46 and to make it successful. 02:47 So it's true, it's every day choices 02:49 that will make our marriages work. 02:51 And the second category was to Connect. 02:54 If we don't feel connected to one another, 02:56 we're not going to have the closeness, the intimacy 02:58 we're not going to have the success 02:59 that we would otherwise. 03:01 So, many people have found 03:02 that connecting is the way that they stay close. 03:04 And that's backed up by the research 03:06 by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love. 03:09 Those psychologists really have done a lot of work 03:11 in the area of connection. 03:13 That's right, and the third is Communicate. 03:15 Communication is key 03:16 and I think we probably all discovered that 03:18 because we've made our blunders 03:20 with communicating with one another. 03:22 But communication is key, 03:23 so they fell in the categories 03:25 of Choose, Connect and Communicate. 03:28 We're going to deal today and the next couple of days 03:30 with a couple of programs with choose. 03:33 And the first one 03:34 we would like to share is entitled. 03:36 Basically, the motto is, "From this day forward, 03:39 I will stay with you 85 years." 03:42 This came from a friend of ours named Susan. 03:44 Susan, yeah. 03:46 Susan said, "From this day forward. 03:48 I'm going to stay with you 85 years", 03:49 and then she added as a little subtitle. 03:53 "I still owe you 85." That's right. 03:54 We make this new pronouncement every morning 03:57 as what she says. 03:59 And then so, every day the 85 years starts again. 04:02 I think that is probably 04:04 some of the most profound advice. 04:06 Because it says, all right it's going to be forever. 04:10 It's really going to be forever. 04:11 So, if we counted 85 years from where we are today. 04:15 Yeah, we're taping this in 2015. 04:17 So, 85 I owe you until the year 2100. 04:21 I'll take that. All right. 04:23 Yeah, I think if you'll stay with me till 2100, we're good. 04:26 Yeah. Yeah. 04:28 And that's basically what they're saying. 04:30 It's exactly what they're saying. 04:31 If you'll stay with me from today 85 years 04:34 and tomorrow 85 years, 04:36 we're making a commitment 04:37 that this is going to be forever. 04:39 What does in this message, 04:40 I'm not, I'm not cutting and running. 04:42 You know, we're going to find 04:43 difficult times in this marriage. 04:45 Every marriage does, doesn't it? 04:46 Every marriage runs across those difficult times 04:49 but we are together. 04:50 We're going to make this thing work. 04:52 And you know what, your children 04:53 really find their greatest sense of security 04:55 knowing that mom and dad are an idem. 04:58 They do. 04:59 You know I think we can create that in our families. 05:02 When we speak well of one another, 05:05 when we speak in front of the children, 05:07 the solidarity that we have together. 05:12 You know, my dad was really great at that. 05:14 And I remember sitting at the dining room table. 05:17 You know, we always had dinner together in the evening 05:19 and he sat on one end, 05:21 and I would sat right there compare to him. 05:23 And I can picture him talking about mom 05:26 and saying, "You know, you kids 05:29 have the greatest mother in the world. 05:31 You're so blessed and God has put us together. 05:34 And because God has put us together, 05:36 we're going to be together forever." 05:37 You know, and he talked often 05:39 about how God had chosen each one in the family 05:41 and He had put us all together. 05:43 And by doing that, 05:44 He was creating a forever scenario for us. 05:48 So, I think those words that we, 05:50 that we give of affirmation and of the direction 05:53 make a big difference for our children. 05:56 So, you know, together today till 85 years from now. 05:59 That's right, and again children do their best 06:01 when they understand that mom and dad are together, 06:03 this is gonna last. 06:05 That's right. 06:06 We also added a motto to this whole list of mottos 06:10 that we've collected. 06:12 And it's one that you and I've come up with. 06:14 And we found it by trial and error. 06:16 By trial and error, yes, we did. 06:18 In fact, there's a story that goes with this motto, 06:20 so let me tell the story to you right now. 06:23 Early in our marriage, 06:24 Gayle did something which hurt me. 06:26 And I told her about it and she apologized. 06:31 Problem is I told her about it again 06:33 and she apologized again. 06:34 And then I told her about it a third time, 06:36 about the fourth time through this scenario. 06:38 She looked at me and said, "You act as though, 06:41 I did this on purpose to hurt you." 06:44 Now, you have to stop the story right here, 06:46 and understand that the reason 06:48 that was a significant statement to me is that. 06:50 Gayle and I grew up in very different homes. 06:52 If you're old enough to remember the old 50 sitcom 06:55 Father Knows Best, the idyllic American home 06:58 where the father was the fountain of all wisdom 06:59 and the three children and the mom adored him. 07:01 And he solved all the problems at 30 minutes or less 07:03 because that's how long the show was. 07:05 That's where she grew up. That was her home. 07:07 Only her home was better than Father Knows Best 07:09 because they had God there. 07:11 That was the kind of home she lived in. 07:13 I on the other hand 07:14 grew up in a very different American sitcom. 07:16 I grew up in the Simpson's. 07:18 We put the fun back in dysfunctional. 07:20 And in my home of origin, someone really would have done 07:23 what she did just to hurt me. 07:25 So, when Gayle said, "You act as though 07:27 I did this on purpose just to hurt you." 07:28 My response was, "Hello. 07:30 Yes, of course." 07:32 Then she said something which was so significant to me, 07:35 that we have made this the motto 07:36 for our marriage. 07:38 And this has been kind of the guiding principle. 07:40 She looked at me and she said, 07:41 "I will never intentionally hurt you. 07:46 Brand new thought for me. 07:48 She continued by saying. 07:49 You know, there are times when I'll go brain dead 07:51 or I'll forget or I won't be aware 07:52 that something hurts you, 07:53 but if I've done something to hurt you. 07:55 You can bank on this, it was not intentional." 07:58 Now, as of this taping, we've been married. 08:01 I'm sorry but, I'm going to tell 08:03 39 and a half years. 08:05 She was 12, when I married her. That is correct. 08:07 That's my story, I'm staying with her. 08:08 Me too. 08:10 Thirty nine and a half years, 08:11 in the thirty nine and a half years, 08:12 I don't think you've ever once hurt me on purpose. 08:14 Well, you know, I hope I haven't, 08:16 because that has been my goal 08:17 is to not hurt you intentionally. 08:20 Because why would I hurt someone that I love. 08:22 Why would I hurt someone that's a treasure to me? 08:24 Why would I hurt the person 08:25 that I want to spend the rest of my life with? 08:27 And especially in an intentional way, 08:29 why would I--? Why would it be premeditated? 08:32 The truth is that we all hurt each other. 08:34 Absolutely. 08:35 You were going to hurt each other by mistake 08:37 or we just go brain dead as we mentioned you know, 08:39 we just forget or we're just not aware. 08:42 But whenever that happens now, 08:43 because we've got this commitment to each other, 08:45 we've chosen not to hurt each other on purpose. 08:48 When it happens, I can just simply stop and say 08:50 all right, if that didn't feel right, 08:52 either she's just unaware that she's hurting me, 08:55 or I'm misinterpreting what she's doing. 08:57 And I can go back to you then ask a question, 08:59 I would simply say, this didn't feel right 09:01 what this felt like was. 09:03 And then you can either correct me 09:05 or you can apologize. 09:06 And basically that's been the pattern of our life since. 09:09 Well, that foundational principle 09:11 just makes it safe doesn't it? It does. 09:13 The foundational principle that says, 09:15 "I'm never going to consider a hurt, 09:17 and then actually follow through with it." 09:19 Because, you know, all of us, 09:21 if we've been together any length of time, 09:23 we know that there are those certain things that we can say. 09:25 You know, the buttons that we can push 09:27 that it just really going to get to the other person. 09:29 And maybe they'll win our argument for us, 09:32 or we think they will. 09:33 But actually what they are is just hurt. 09:36 And when we have that opportunity, 09:39 sometimes even it seems innocent. 09:41 We can say the thing, 09:42 that we know will have a barb in it. 09:44 Yeah. 09:46 But it seems innocent enough that we can say, 09:48 "Oh, no honey that's not what I meant, 09:50 we have what you might call plausible deniability." 09:54 You know, "No, I didn't mean that", 09:56 but you know in your heart, that's exactly what you meant. 09:59 And those are the times 10:01 when that opportunity presents itself, 10:03 and it would be so easy. 10:04 That we're going to say no. 10:06 By God's grace, I'm not going there 10:07 because that would be 10:09 intentionally hurting the person 10:11 who is flesh of my flesh. 10:13 Why would I do that? 10:15 And as we talked earlier in the first program, 10:18 we read where we are one flesh 10:20 and so why would you hurt your own body. 10:23 You know, no one hurts his own body. 10:25 And if you are my body, and I'm your body, 10:27 then why would we intentionally cause each other pain, 10:30 because that is to hurt myself. 10:32 And again, that is a psychological disorder, 10:34 to engage in self harm. 10:36 Absolutely. And it needs treatment. 10:38 And so, we don't want to engage in self harm, 10:41 by harming one another 10:42 because that's a disorder that requires treatment. 10:44 You know, this goes against what we hear and see 10:48 in the media or were taught in society. 10:51 We're taught that if we can say the cutest thing, 10:54 or we can say the thing with sarcasm in it. 10:59 The thing that gets a laugh, 11:01 or we can make the parting shot. 11:02 You know, as we exit the room, we can say something 11:05 that's going to really, well, I told them. 11:08 I got my point made, that makes us smart 11:12 or put us above the other person. 11:14 Puts them in their place of that sort of things. 11:16 Put them in place. 11:17 Yeah, in reality, 11:19 we are simply injuring ourselves, 11:21 we're injuring the person that we love the most. 11:23 I remember teaching a couple how to fight fairly, 11:25 where they don't do that to each other, 11:26 they don't hurt each other, and her response was, 11:29 "So, when do I get to tell him off." 11:31 The answer is, "Never." 11:33 Never, this is not going to make 11:35 for a happy relationship. 11:36 And in hurting him, you're hurting yourself. 11:38 So, we don't ever get to that point 11:40 of telling each other off, 11:41 instead we're going to find a way 11:43 to solve things amicably. 11:44 And when I do cause you pain, you can assume. 11:47 Oh, this was not intentional 11:49 because Mike would not hurt me on purpose. 11:50 He wouldn't hurt himself on purpose. 11:52 So, I know for sure, 11:53 he's not going to hurt me on purpose. 11:55 And because of that, 11:56 we are able to share more deeply 11:58 with the other person. 12:00 We are safer with the other person 12:01 because we know that 12:02 they have our best interest at heart. 12:04 They are not going 12:06 to intentionally hurt us in any way. 12:08 But, you know, in order to make that happen, 12:09 I've got to make a commitment. 12:11 That's right. 12:12 I've got to make a commitment, 12:13 that I'm not going to intentionally hurt you. 12:15 When I've got that opportunity to say something, 12:16 I'm not going to say it. 12:18 I'm just going to stop, think again, 12:20 and either not say anything at all, 12:22 or else change it so, that 12:23 what I say does not cause you pain. 12:26 That's right, doesn't mean we don't deal with issues. 12:28 That means that we don't inflict intentional pain. 12:31 And again in counseling, I've had to stop couples. 12:33 I mean who are just giving that one liner to each other, 12:36 just nailing each other back and forth. 12:38 And stop them repeatedly saying, 12:40 "Why would you do this to each other? 12:42 Why would you hurt each other this way? 12:44 You're not benefiting your marriage at all." 12:46 And again, another thing that we can underscore is 12:49 sarcasm never helps a marriage. 12:52 You can write that down and underlined it twice. 12:54 Sarcasm is not helpful. 12:55 It is not helpful at all. 12:57 So again, with our motto, 12:59 I would never intentionally hurt you, 13:01 we make the marriage safe for each other. 13:03 We make the marriage safe for relationship. 13:06 And on that note, we're going to take a break. 13:07 We'll be right back right after this. |
Revised 2016-04-04