Welcome to
Marriage in God's hand.
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We are Mike and Gayle Tucker
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from Faith for Today television,
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the oldest religious television
broadcast in the world
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having begun
broadcasting in May of 1950.
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That's been a while, hasn't
it? It's been quite a while.
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Our flagship
programs which we co-host
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are Lifestyle Magazine
and Mad about Marriage.
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Mad about Marriage is a
segment of Lifestyle Magazine.
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And basically, when
we do Mad about Marriage,
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we're asking the
question, are you madly in love
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or you're just plain mad?
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And we find that
people go back and forth.
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You know, sometimes
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they're madly in
love in the morning,
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but by the afternoon
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they want to
strangle each other.
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It's kind of common
for all of us, isn't?
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It is common for all of us.
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You know, in association
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with Mad about
Marriage and Lifestyle Magazine,
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we have Facebook pages,
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we have a blog for
Mad about Marriage,
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we have Twitter accounts,
all those kinds of things.
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And on our Facebook account,
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we asked if
people would help us,
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share with us how they've
made their marriage a success.
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We asked if they had a
motto for their marriage,
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they're kind of
a guiding principle
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that something and
oft-repeated phrase
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that would help
them get through marriage
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and make their
marriages success.
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Well, it's interesting that
people have discovered things
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sometimes by trial and error.
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Sometimes, they have just
gain wisdom from the scriptures,
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but they have found ways
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to help their
marriages be successful.
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And we were very interested
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in all the responses that we got
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because people just
responded so quickly.
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"Oh, we do this, here's ours."
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And so, we
thought it would be fun
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to share some of
those mottos with you.
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And that's what we're
gonna do in these programs.
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If you want to know
how to make marriage work,
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you look at successful couples.
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And you learn
what they've learned.
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And, you know, sometimes
a couple will have something
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that doesn't
really fit your life
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but the next couple will.
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They'll have
something that really fits you.
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And we have found also
that there's good research
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behind these mottos,
those that are really working.
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There's a research
as to why this works.
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Yeah, yeah and that's why
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this is valuable to
take a look at these
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because, as you see
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that they are doing a
certain thing you realize
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that yes, the
statistics back that up.
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Right. This is true.
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The scripture backs it up,
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and however
they have come to it,
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they have hit on something
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that's really
important and good.
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Now, we found as
these mottos came in
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that they really
fell in three categories.
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What were those categories?
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Well, the first
category was Choice.
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We call it choose.
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I can choose to
be in this marriage
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and to make it successful.
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So it's true,
it's every day choices
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that will make
our marriages work.
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And the second
category was to Connect.
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If we don't feel
connected to one another,
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we're not going to have
the closeness, the intimacy
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we're not going
to have the success
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that we would otherwise.
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So, many people have found
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that connecting is the
way that they stay close.
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And that's backed
up by the research
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by Steven Stosny
and Patricia Love.
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Those psychologists
really have done a lot of work
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in the area of connection.
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That's right, and
the third is Communicate.
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Communication is key
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and I think we
probably all discovered that
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because we've made our blunders
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with
communicating with one another.
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But communication is key,
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so they fell in the categories
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of Choose,
Connect and Communicate.
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We're going to deal today
and the next couple of days
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with a couple of
programs with choose.
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And the first one
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we would like to
share is entitled.
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Basically, the motto
is, "From this day forward,
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I will stay with you 85 years."
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This came from a
friend of ours named Susan.
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Susan, yeah.
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Susan said,
"From this day forward.
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I'm going to stay
with you 85 years",
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and then she added
as a little subtitle.
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"I still owe you
85." That's right.
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We make this new
pronouncement every morning
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as what she says.
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And then so, every day
the 85 years starts again.
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I think that is probably
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some of the
most profound advice.
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Because it says, all
right it's going to be forever.
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It's really going to be forever.
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So, if we counted 85
years from where we are today.
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Yeah, we're taping this in 2015.
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So, 85 I owe you
until the year 2100.
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I'll take that. All right.
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Yeah, I think if you'll stay
with me till 2100, we're good.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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And that's
basically what they're saying.
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It's exactly
what they're saying.
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If you'll stay with
me from today 85 years
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and tomorrow 85 years,
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we're making a commitment
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that this is
going to be forever.
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What does in this message,
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I'm not, I'm not
cutting and running.
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You know, we're going to find
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difficult times
in this marriage.
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Every marriage does, doesn't it?
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Every marriage runs
across those difficult times
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but we are together.
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We're going to
make this thing work.
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And you know what, your children
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really find their
greatest sense of security
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knowing that mom
and dad are an idem.
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They do.
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You know I think we can
create that in our families.
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When we speak
well of one another,
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when we speak in
front of the children,
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the solidarity
that we have together.
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You know, my dad was
really great at that.
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And I remember sitting
at the dining room table.
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You know, we always had
dinner together in the evening
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and he sat on one end,
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and I would sat
right there compare to him.
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And I can picture
him talking about mom
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and saying, "You know, you kids
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have the greatest
mother in the world.
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You're so blessed and
God has put us together.
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And because God
has put us together,
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we're going to be
together forever."
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You know, and he talked often
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about how God had
chosen each one in the family
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and He had put us all together.
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And by doing that,
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He was creating a
forever scenario for us.
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So, I think those words that we,
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that we give of
affirmation and of the direction
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make a big
difference for our children.
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So, you know, together
today till 85 years from now.
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That's right, and
again children do their best
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when they understand
that mom and dad are together,
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this is gonna last.
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That's right.
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We also added a motto to
this whole list of mottos
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that we've collected.
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And it's one that you
and I've come up with.
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And we found it
by trial and error.
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By trial and error, yes, we did.
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In fact, there's a story
that goes with this motto,
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so let me tell the
story to you right now.
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Early in our marriage,
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Gayle did
something which hurt me.
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And I told her about
it and she apologized.
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Problem is I told
her about it again
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and she apologized again.
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And then I told her
about it a third time,
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about the fourth time
through this scenario.
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She looked at me and
said, "You act as though,
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I did this on
purpose to hurt you."
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Now, you have to
stop the story right here,
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and understand that the reason
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that was a significant
statement to me is that.
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Gayle and I grew up
in very different homes.
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If you're old enough to
remember the old 50 sitcom
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Father Knows Best,
the idyllic American home
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where the father was
the fountain of all wisdom
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and the three children
and the mom adored him.
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And he solved all the
problems at 30 minutes or less
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because that's
how long the show was.
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That's where she grew
up. That was her home.
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Only her home was
better than Father Knows Best
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because they had God there.
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That was the kind
of home she lived in.
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I on the other hand
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grew up in a very
different American sitcom.
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I grew up in the Simpson's.
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We put the fun
back in dysfunctional.
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And in my home of origin,
someone really would have done
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what she did just to hurt me.
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So, when Gayle
said, "You act as though
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I did this on
purpose just to hurt you."
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My response was, "Hello.
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Yes, of course."
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Then she said something
which was so significant to me,
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that we have made this the motto
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for our marriage.
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And this has been kind
of the guiding principle.
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She looked at me and she said,
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"I will never
intentionally hurt you.
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Brand new thought for me.
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She continued by saying.
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You know, there are
times when I'll go brain dead
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or I'll forget
or I won't be aware
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that something hurts you,
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but if I've done
something to hurt you.
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You can bank on this,
it was not intentional."
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Now, as of this
taping, we've been married.
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I'm sorry but, I'm going to tell
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39 and a half years.
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She was 12, when I
married her. That is correct.
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That's my story,
I'm staying with her.
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Me too.
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Thirty nine and a half years,
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in the thirty
nine and a half years,
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I don't think you've
ever once hurt me on purpose.
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Well, you know,
I hope I haven't,
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because that has been my goal
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is to not hurt
you intentionally.
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Because why would I
hurt someone that I love.
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Why would I hurt
someone that's a treasure to me?
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Why would I hurt the person
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that I want to spend
the rest of my life with?
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And especially in
an intentional way,
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why would I--? Why
would it be premeditated?
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The truth is that
we all hurt each other.
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Absolutely.
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You were going to
hurt each other by mistake
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or we just go brain dead
as we mentioned you know,
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we just forget or
we're just not aware.
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But whenever that happens now,
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because we've got this
commitment to each other,
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we've chosen not to
hurt each other on purpose.
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When it happens, I can
just simply stop and say
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all right, if
that didn't feel right,
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either she's just
unaware that she's hurting me,
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or I'm misinterpreting
what she's doing.
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And I can go back to
you then ask a question,
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I would simply say,
this didn't feel right
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what this felt like was.
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And then you can
either correct me
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or you can apologize.
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And basically that's been
the pattern of our life since.
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Well, that
foundational principle
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just makes it safe
doesn't it? It does.
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The foundational
principle that says,
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"I'm never going
to consider a hurt,
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and then actually
follow through with it."
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Because, you know, all of us,
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if we've been
together any length of time,
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we know that there are those
certain things that we can say.
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You know, the
buttons that we can push
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that it just really going
to get to the other person.
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And maybe they'll
win our argument for us,
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or we think they will.
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But actually what
they are is just hurt.
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And when we have
that opportunity,
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sometimes even
it seems innocent.
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We can say the thing,
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that we know will
have a barb in it.
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Yeah.
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But it seems innocent
enough that we can say,
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"Oh, no honey
that's not what I meant,
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we have what you might
call plausible deniability."
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You know, "No, I
didn't mean that",
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but you know in your heart,
that's exactly what you meant.
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And those are the times
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when that
opportunity presents itself,
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and it would be so easy.
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That we're going to say no.
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By God's grace,
I'm not going there
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because that would be
00:10:07.94\00:10:09.50
intentionally hurting the person
00:10:09.54\00:10:11.54
who is flesh of my flesh.
00:10:11.57\00:10:13.78
Why would I do that?
00:10:13.81\00:10:15.14
And as we talked
earlier in the first program,
00:10:15.18\00:10:18.15
we read where we are one flesh
00:10:18.18\00:10:20.52
and so why would
you hurt your own body.
00:10:20.55\00:10:23.15
You know, no one
hurts his own body.
00:10:23.18\00:10:24.99
And if you are my
body, and I'm your body,
00:10:25.02\00:10:27.72
then why would we intentionally
cause each other pain,
00:10:27.76\00:10:30.33
because that is to hurt myself.
00:10:30.36\00:10:32.33
And again, that is a
psychological disorder,
00:10:32.36\00:10:34.93
to engage in self harm.
00:10:34.96\00:10:36.30
Absolutely. And
it needs treatment.
00:10:36.33\00:10:38.50
And so, we don't want
to engage in self harm,
00:10:38.53\00:10:41.07
by harming one another
00:10:41.10\00:10:42.47
because that's a disorder
that requires treatment.
00:10:42.50\00:10:44.77
You know, this goes
against what we hear and see
00:10:44.81\00:10:48.48
in the media or
were taught in society.
00:10:48.51\00:10:51.68
We're taught that if we
can say the cutest thing,
00:10:51.71\00:10:54.38
or we can say the
thing with sarcasm in it.
00:10:54.42\00:10:59.05
The thing that gets a laugh,
00:10:59.09\00:11:01.06
or we can make the parting shot.
00:11:01.09\00:11:02.89
You know, as we exit the
room, we can say something
00:11:02.92\00:11:05.43
that's going to
really, well, I told them.
00:11:05.46\00:11:08.63
I got my point
made, that makes us smart
00:11:08.66\00:11:12.67
or put us above
the other person.
00:11:12.70\00:11:14.74
Puts them in their
place of that sort of things.
00:11:14.77\00:11:16.34
Put them in place.
00:11:16.37\00:11:17.71
Yeah, in reality,
00:11:17.74\00:11:19.07
we are simply
injuring ourselves,
00:11:19.11\00:11:21.01
we're injuring the
person that we love the most.
00:11:21.04\00:11:23.14
I remember teaching a
couple how to fight fairly,
00:11:23.18\00:11:25.18
where they don't
do that to each other,
00:11:25.21\00:11:26.55
they don't hurt each
other, and her response was,
00:11:26.58\00:11:29.22
"So, when do I
get to tell him off."
00:11:29.25\00:11:31.29
The answer is, "Never."
00:11:31.32\00:11:33.52
Never, this is not going to make
00:11:33.56\00:11:34.99
for a happy relationship.
00:11:35.02\00:11:36.42
And in hurting him,
you're hurting yourself.
00:11:36.46\00:11:38.96
So, we don't
ever get to that point
00:11:38.99\00:11:40.33
of telling each other off,
00:11:40.36\00:11:41.70
instead we're
going to find a way
00:11:41.73\00:11:43.06
to solve things amicably.
00:11:43.10\00:11:44.67
And when I do cause
you pain, you can assume.
00:11:44.70\00:11:47.70
Oh, this was not intentional
00:11:47.74\00:11:49.07
because Mike would
not hurt me on purpose.
00:11:49.10\00:11:50.44
He wouldn't hurt
himself on purpose.
00:11:50.47\00:11:52.47
So, I know for sure,
00:11:52.51\00:11:53.84
he's not going to
hurt me on purpose.
00:11:53.88\00:11:55.21
And because of that,
00:11:55.24\00:11:56.58
we are able to share more deeply
00:11:56.61\00:11:58.61
with the other person.
00:11:58.65\00:11:59.98
We are safer
with the other person
00:12:00.02\00:12:01.52
because we know that
00:12:01.55\00:12:02.88
they have our
best interest at heart.
00:12:02.92\00:12:04.79
They are not going
00:12:04.82\00:12:06.15
to intentionally
hurt us in any way.
00:12:06.19\00:12:08.26
But, you know, in
order to make that happen,
00:12:08.29\00:12:09.72
I've got to make a commitment.
00:12:09.76\00:12:11.09
That's right.
00:12:11.13\00:12:12.46
I've got to make a commitment,
00:12:12.49\00:12:13.83
that I'm not going to
intentionally hurt you.
00:12:13.86\00:12:15.20
When I've got that
opportunity to say something,
00:12:15.23\00:12:16.83
I'm not going to say it.
00:12:16.87\00:12:18.27
I'm just going to
stop, think again,
00:12:18.30\00:12:20.84
and either not
say anything at all,
00:12:20.87\00:12:22.44
or else change it so, that
00:12:22.47\00:12:23.81
what I say does
not cause you pain.
00:12:23.84\00:12:26.07
That's right, doesn't
mean we don't deal with issues.
00:12:26.11\00:12:28.54
That means that we don't
inflict intentional pain.
00:12:28.58\00:12:31.48
And again in counseling,
I've had to stop couples.
00:12:31.51\00:12:33.88
I mean who are just giving
that one liner to each other,
00:12:33.92\00:12:36.52
just nailing each
other back and forth.
00:12:36.55\00:12:38.72
And stop them repeatedly saying,
00:12:38.75\00:12:40.56
"Why would you do
this to each other?
00:12:40.59\00:12:42.96
Why would you hurt
each other this way?
00:12:42.99\00:12:44.39
You're not benefiting
your marriage at all."
00:12:44.43\00:12:46.39
And again, another thing
that we can underscore is
00:12:46.43\00:12:49.43
sarcasm never helps a marriage.
00:12:49.46\00:12:52.07
You can write that down
and underlined it twice.
00:12:52.10\00:12:53.97
Sarcasm is not helpful.
00:12:54.00\00:12:55.44
It is not helpful at all.
00:12:55.47\00:12:57.21
So again, with our motto,
00:12:57.24\00:12:59.77
I would never
intentionally hurt you,
00:12:59.81\00:13:01.34
we make the
marriage safe for each other.
00:13:01.38\00:13:03.71
We make the marriage
safe for relationship.
00:13:03.75\00:13:06.31
And on that note,
we're going to take a break.
00:13:06.35\00:13:07.95
We'll be right
back right after this.
00:13:07.98\00:13:10.22