Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000079B
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00:01 Welcome back.
00:03 We're talking today about God's principles for marriage. 00:06 We've been reading from Ephesians Chapter 5. 00:08 And so, let's continue with that if we could please. 00:12 Well, in verse 26, it says, 00:14 "Christ's love makes the church whole. 00:17 His words evoke her beauty. 00:20 Everything he does and says 00:22 is designed to bring out the best in her, 00:24 dressing her in dazzling white silk, 00:27 radiant with holiness. 00:29 And this is how husbands ought to love their wives. 00:32 They're really doing themselves a favor, 00:34 since they're already one in marriage." 00:37 All right, now it says here. 00:38 Everything he does is to uplift the church 00:41 to make her look good basically, to ennoble her. 00:45 How many times do we see husbands or wives 00:48 whose words don't do that for their spouse? 00:50 That's right. 00:52 It tends to be more criticism, sarcasm 00:55 where we tear one another down, 00:57 we look for that which is wrong in each other 00:59 and yet this says, that instead of producing guilt in you 01:02 or instead of tearing you down, everything I do and say 01:06 it needs to ennoble you, to lift you up. 01:08 You know, if there's one thing 01:10 that we could do for one another, 01:11 that would help more than anything in the world, 01:13 I think it's to have kindness 01:15 in the way we speak to one another, 01:17 just a gentle tone. 01:19 Thought process, before we speak, 01:22 you know, which your mother used to say, 01:23 "Think before you speak." 01:25 Those kinds of things and say, you know, 01:26 "This person is dear to me, this person is a treasure. 01:29 This person has been given to me by God. 01:32 I'm going to treat them like a treasure, I'm going to... 01:35 You know, I'm going to dress her in white silk, 01:37 I'm going to dress him in the finest suit. 01:39 I'm going to make him look the best he can look 01:42 because he's a treasure to me." 01:44 Well, you know, it only makes sense 01:46 that I should try to make you look good because I chose you. 01:49 Well, and that what it's saying here, isn't it? 01:50 This is my decision. 01:51 This is my decision, so why would I trash my choice. 01:54 When we tear each other down, we basically are-- 01:57 We're creating poor self-esteem 02:00 in the other person, because what happens is 02:01 they begin to believe those things. 02:03 If the person who is the dearest to me 02:06 says something bad about me 02:07 and that's going on in ongoing basis, 02:09 I'm gonna pretty soon begin to believe that. 02:12 Then you're going to have a spouse 02:13 that you really don't want to live with. 02:15 That's right. 02:16 Because, you know, it's not doing ourselves a favor 02:18 when we hear the other ones. 02:20 When I tear you down, I tear myself down, 02:22 when I trash you, I hurt me. 02:24 And this, this idea of one flesh. 02:26 This isn't just a goal to which we're trying to reach. 02:30 This is the description of who we are. 02:33 So, when we, when we have chosen to marry one another, 02:36 the description is, now, we are one flesh. 02:38 So, why would I tear myself down? 02:41 You know, again I've got a degree in counseling 02:44 and I've done some psychiatric counseling, 02:46 I've done that in psychiatric hospitals. 02:48 One of the problems that we face today with people 02:51 with issues is self harm. 02:54 They cut themselves, otherwise hurt themselves 02:57 as kind of a form of punishment 02:59 or something of that nature basically. 03:00 Why, when that happens we describe this as a disorder. 03:05 Yeah. 03:07 This is not a healthy way of living. 03:09 This is a disorder that we want to treat and stop. 03:12 And yet when, if I cut you with my words, 03:15 if I tear you down, or even worse yet, 03:18 if I go physically after you and harm you. 03:20 I'm harming myself because we are one flesh. 03:23 The identity is so close that I can't hurt you 03:26 without hurting me. 03:28 Basically that says when that happens, 03:30 there is an illness involved. 03:31 There is an illness in the relationship. 03:33 There is an illness there, if I'm hurting you, 03:36 because I'm hurting myself. 03:38 That indicates a mental illness. 03:39 Right. 03:40 So, there's an illness in the relationship 03:42 but there's also an illness in me 03:44 because I'm the one who has done this. 03:46 That's right. 03:47 I have engaged in an behavior that is self harm. 03:51 And that needs an intervention. 03:53 But Christ never does this. 03:55 Christ elevates the church and he elevates us. 03:57 And that's the same thing we ought to do in our marriage. 03:59 There will be one place on earth 04:01 where you are absolutely safe. 04:02 And it ought to be in your own home. 04:03 You got it. 04:05 Paul goes on to speak about what you just said, he says, 04:07 "No one to abuses his own body, does he unless he's ill, 04:10 something's wrong? 04:12 No, he feeds and pampers it." 04:14 That's how Christ treats us the church. 04:16 He pampers us. Pampers us. 04:17 Everything about being pampered by God. 04:19 But you know that, that's what He does, 04:22 and that is the model 04:23 with which we are to have our families. 04:25 We are to pamper one another, to lift each other up, 04:28 to make this a safe place. 04:30 Now, you grew up in a home that did that. 04:32 I grew up in a home that did not always do that. 04:35 And it's a skill that I've had to learn, 04:38 but I've seen the interactions in your home. 04:41 Before your father died, and your mother still alive. 04:44 But still I saw that uplifting of one another, 04:46 and that's what Christ wants for us in our home. 04:48 Absolutely, and he wants us to cherish each other. 04:51 The word cherish is in her as well, it says, 04:53 "That's why a man leaves father and mother 04:55 and cherishes his wife." 04:57 To be cherished, that there is someone who values me. 05:00 Yeah. 05:01 And he wants us to cherish one another. 05:03 I talk to one woman who said, 05:05 "I just wish there was someone in this world 05:08 who cherished me 05:09 and it's certainly not my husband." 05:11 And she said that with such great pain, 05:14 you know, I wish there was someone who cherished me. 05:16 Right. 05:18 We need that, and Christ is saying right here. 05:20 Paul is telling us that. 05:22 "Christ cherishes us. 05:23 And that's what he wants us to do for one another." 05:26 It says, "No longer two, they becomes one flesh." 05:29 Verse 32, "This is a huge mystery 05:31 and I don't pretend to understand it all. 05:33 What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. 05:37 And this provides a good picture 05:38 of how each husband is to treat his wife, 05:40 loving himself in loving her, 05:43 and how each wife is to honor her husband." 05:45 I love myself in loving you. 05:47 So, whenever I do something good for you, 05:49 something loving for you. 05:50 I'm in essence doing that loving thing for myself, 05:53 because we are one flesh. 05:55 Well, how does that play out in a family? 05:57 You know, I think when we look at our families, 06:00 and we look at the roles that we play 06:02 and the leadership that we have. 06:04 Sometimes, it's not a cherishing kind of thing. 06:07 And he's speaking specifically to husbands here. 06:09 Yeah, he is. 06:10 I think it applies to both husbands and wives. 06:13 It does. 06:14 But what does it mean to demonstrate 06:17 a positive love and a positive leadership? 06:21 You know a part of that I think is to look at 06:26 what each other needs. 06:28 There're different leadership styles 06:29 that we can establish in our home, 06:30 and of course I speak about this primarily to fathers. 06:33 But it's good to remember this with husbands as well. 06:37 There are two leadership styles, one is authoritarian 06:41 and the other is authoritative. 06:43 Authoritarian is about commanding control. 06:46 It's more distant. It is more cold. 06:50 And it's about giving commands and exercising control. 06:54 When we think about authority... 06:56 Yeah. 06:57 We think of the police, or the government, 06:59 or someone who is in authority and they will set the rules. 07:02 A dictator, they'll set the rules, 07:04 they'll tell us what to do, and we will fall in line. 07:07 And by the way that style of leadership in the home. 07:10 When a man especially does this, 07:11 but men or women either one, 07:13 but when a man especially assumes an authoritarian role, 07:17 he produces rebellion 07:19 in his spouse and in his children. 07:22 Why would that be? 07:23 Well, eventually you're tired of being told what to do. 07:27 And how to live your life, 07:28 and the command and control issue 07:30 gets old after a while. 07:31 And people will, you know, would just kind of 07:36 dig their heels in and drag and resist. 07:39 It may be that they do so more passively, 07:41 and sometimes they do so far more aggressively. 07:44 But you can, you can watch this through the years 07:46 and a lot of research has been done on this. 07:48 It almost always produces rebellion, 07:51 whether it's a silent, passive rebellion 07:53 or more aggressive rebellion, it always produces rebellion. 07:57 And then I think often we think we're doing the right thing. 08:00 Because we think, well, 08:01 my family is going to stay within these lines, 08:03 we're going to go toward that goal. 08:05 We're gonna be well ordered. 08:06 Yes, we will have a well ordered machine here. 08:08 Right. 08:09 And as a result, we will have children 08:11 that are good citizens and please God. 08:14 If it doesn't necessarily work that way. 08:16 It doesn't work that way, it is a failed system. 08:19 There is a better model for leadership in the home 08:22 and it's authoritative. 08:24 And authoritative begins with warmth 08:27 and then add structure. 08:29 It begins... Warmth first. 08:30 You know, the Bible says, 08:32 "God through the prophets says 08:33 with bands of loving kindness have I drawn you to myself." 08:37 So, God draws us, He entreats us. 08:40 He loves us first. 08:42 We love God because He has loved us first. 08:43 He first loved us. 08:45 And Jesus says, this whole new commandment 08:46 I've given to you that you love one another. 08:48 And again scripture says, "By this they shall know 08:50 that you are my disciples, 08:52 and that you have love one for another." 08:53 It begins with warmth, and out of warmth 08:56 then we can add structure. 08:58 The emphasis is never on the structure, 09:01 it's on the warmth, but the structure 09:02 comes in afterwards, we begin to add that together. 09:06 Well, if I love you, and I know that you love me. 09:09 And that love is demonstrated, then there's always a warmth, 09:12 and a caring, and a forgiving spirit. 09:14 Then I'm going to want to do what you want me to do. 09:17 It's easy to do that, that's easy for children 09:20 to follow parents that love them. 09:23 Now, the research shows that rules should be few. 09:26 They should be will chosen and consistently enforced. 09:29 But they should always bring out a relationship of love. 09:32 They start with warmth. 09:33 And there's always a reason for the rule, 09:35 we can explain the reason. 09:36 But it's always coming out of a relationship of warmth, 09:39 that starts with warmth and then it add structure. 09:42 So, you've got to have a relationship first. 09:43 It comes back to relationship once again. 09:45 And when we're looking at marriage, it's the same way. 09:47 When we have a relationship first 09:50 and warmth and that feeling of being cherished, 09:53 then there is much less rub, 09:56 you know, between the two of us. 09:57 What are we going to do? 09:58 Who's going to be in charge here? 10:00 How are we gonna live our lives? 10:02 You know, one of the things 10:03 that used to be in marriage ceremonies 10:05 was love, honor, and obey. 10:06 Right. 10:07 And the obey word and they're just like ah. 10:09 It strikes people the wrong way. 10:11 Absolutely. 10:12 But when you look at the root word of obey. 10:15 It is to hear. 10:18 It's just to hear the other person. 10:20 Now, if you're talking to me in a loving way. 10:23 And you are demonstrating how much you love me. 10:25 I'm demonstrating how much you love, I love you. 10:28 We're going to hear each other 10:30 and then there is much less problem 10:32 with who's in charge. 10:33 Who's going to be the leader here? 10:36 It's basically a give and take. 10:38 If you know that I love you, 10:40 and I speak to you in tenderness and with warmth, 10:43 you want to listen, and you want to do what I say. 10:47 Well, I want to please. 10:48 You want to please, you want to please. 10:50 And that's how it is with God. 10:51 God starts with love. 10:52 He's got these rules over here. 10:54 But, you know what, those rules are not odious to us, 10:56 they're kind of the basic principles of relationship. 10:58 We find the structure for healthy relationships 11:01 in the Ten Commandments. 11:02 And it's not odious for us to follow those things. 11:05 We hear him and because He loves us, 11:08 we long to do something to please Him. 11:10 That's the leadership style of Christ, 11:12 He starts with that warmth. 11:13 And I think that we have, 11:15 we have dual leadership in our homes 11:18 because each of us is loving the other, 11:20 and we're wanting to follow the other, 11:22 or wanting to follow hard. 11:24 So, there's not any, any issue there of who's in charge? 11:29 How are we going to make decisions? 11:30 I think for men, a lot of times, 11:32 you know, we talk about being the head 11:34 of household and that's true. 11:36 But you understand that head of household 11:39 is not something you can demand. 11:41 It is something you earn. 11:43 It is and you earn it by first loving. 11:45 God never gives privilege without responsibility though. 11:48 And when He says, "Head of household, 11:50 He gives responsibility to me as a man", 11:52 and says, "I want you to take the lead in love, 11:55 I want you to start meeting the needs of your family 11:58 before you expect anything in return. 12:01 You are to love as Christ loved the church." 12:03 That's the responsibility. 12:04 And until I do that, no woman is safe in submitting to me. 12:09 But when I learn to love as Christ loves the church 12:11 and she sees, you see the warmth 12:13 in my voice and in my relationship toward you, 12:16 then you listen. 12:17 Absolutely. 12:19 And that listening makes you want to please. 12:20 And we do that back and forth into each other, 12:22 but I do believe that it starts with the man. 12:24 The man is the one who needs to take the lead 12:26 in establishing a relationship of warmth for the home. 12:30 Again, I know we're running out of time here, 12:32 but I wanted to get quickly 12:33 if we could to Ecclesiastes Chapter 4 12:36 where it says, "Two are better than one..." 12:37 We start with verse 9, 12:39 "Because they have a good return for their labor." 12:41 If we work together, 12:42 it's easier to get the job done, right? 12:44 "For if either of them falls, 12:45 the one will lift up his companion. 12:47 But woe to the one who falls 12:48 when there is not another to lift him up." 12:51 You fall by yourself. 12:52 You're in trouble, aren't you? Yeah 12:54 "Furthermore, if two lie down together 12:56 they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?" 12:59 You know, this is true especially. 13:01 You have no blood flow to the extremities 13:04 you're always told. 13:05 Well, I was thinking about this text recently 13:08 when you were gone. 13:09 Because it says, you know that 13:11 "If you lie down together, you stay warm." 13:14 Well, when I lie down by myself, 13:16 my hands are cold, my feet are cold, 13:18 but we have this agreement 13:19 that when I get in bed at night, 13:21 I can put my cold feet on you. 13:23 And you can jump in pain. 13:25 I do, I do regularly when you put your cold feet on. 13:28 You know, we made that agreement 13:30 before we got married. 13:31 And I had no idea how cold those feet were. 13:33 But I've held true to my word, have I not? 13:36 In verse 12, "And if one can overpower him 13:39 who is alone, two can resist him. 13:41 A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart." 13:43 And the third strand of course is Jesus Christ. 13:46 Yeah. 13:48 When we're together, we have much more strength. 13:50 We stand back to back, we can face any foe. 13:53 That's right. 13:54 Again, what we think that scripture is telling us 13:56 is that we are team. 13:58 God has designed that your marriage should be 14:00 two becoming one. 14:02 You should be a team and together by God's grace, 14:06 you can be madly in love forever. |
Revised 2016-04-04