Welcome back.
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We're talking today about
God's principles for marriage.
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We've been reading
from Ephesians Chapter 5.
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And so, let's continue
with that if we could please.
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Well, in verse 26, it says,
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"Christ's love
makes the church whole.
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His words evoke her beauty.
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Everything he does and says
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is designed to
bring out the best in her,
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dressing her in
dazzling white silk,
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radiant with holiness.
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And this is how husbands
ought to love their wives.
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They're really
doing themselves a favor,
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since they're
already one in marriage."
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All right, now it says here.
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Everything he does
is to uplift the church
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to make her look good
basically, to ennoble her.
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How many times do we
see husbands or wives
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whose words don't do
that for their spouse?
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That's right.
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It tends to be
more criticism, sarcasm
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where we tear one another down,
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we look for that
which is wrong in each other
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and yet this says, that instead
of producing guilt in you
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or instead of tearing you
down, everything I do and say
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it needs to ennoble
you, to lift you up.
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You know, if there's one thing
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that we could
do for one another,
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that would help more
than anything in the world,
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I think it's to have kindness
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in the way we
speak to one another,
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just a gentle tone.
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Thought
process, before we speak,
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you know, which
your mother used to say,
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"Think before you speak."
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Those kinds of
things and say, you know,
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"This person is dear to
me, this person is a treasure.
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This person has
been given to me by God.
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I'm going to treat them
like a treasure, I'm going to...
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You know, I'm going to
dress her in white silk,
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I'm going to dress
him in the finest suit.
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I'm going to make him
look the best he can look
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because he's a treasure to me."
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Well, you know,
it only makes sense
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that I should try to make you
look good because I chose you.
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Well, and that what
it's saying here, isn't it?
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This is my decision.
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This is my decision, so
why would I trash my choice.
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When we tear each other
down, we basically are--
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We're creating poor self-esteem
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in the other person,
because what happens is
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they begin to
believe those things.
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If the person who
is the dearest to me
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says something bad about me
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and that's going
on in ongoing basis,
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I'm gonna pretty soon
begin to believe that.
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Then you're
going to have a spouse
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that you really
don't want to live with.
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That's right.
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Because, you know, it's
not doing ourselves a favor
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when we hear the other ones.
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When I tear you
down, I tear myself down,
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when I trash you, I hurt me.
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And this, this
idea of one flesh.
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This isn't just a goal to
which we're trying to reach.
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This is the
description of who we are.
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So, when we, when we have
chosen to marry one another,
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the description is,
now, we are one flesh.
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So, why would I
tear myself down?
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You know, again I've
got a degree in counseling
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and I've done some
psychiatric counseling,
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I've done that in
psychiatric hospitals.
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One of the problems that
we face today with people
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with issues is self harm.
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They cut themselves,
otherwise hurt themselves
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as kind of a form of punishment
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or something of
that nature basically.
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Why, when that happens we
describe this as a disorder.
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Yeah.
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This is not a
healthy way of living.
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This is a disorder that
we want to treat and stop.
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And yet when, if I
cut you with my words,
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if I tear you
down, or even worse yet,
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if I go physically
after you and harm you.
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I'm harming myself
because we are one flesh.
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The identity is so
close that I can't hurt you
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without hurting me.
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Basically that
says when that happens,
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there is an illness involved.
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There is an illness
in the relationship.
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There is an illness
there, if I'm hurting you,
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because I'm hurting myself.
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That indicates a mental illness.
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Right.
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So, there's an
illness in the relationship
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but there's
also an illness in me
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because I'm the
one who has done this.
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That's right.
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I have engaged in an
behavior that is self harm.
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And that needs an intervention.
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But Christ never does this.
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Christ elevates the
church and he elevates us.
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And that's the same thing
we ought to do in our marriage.
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There will be one place on earth
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where you are absolutely safe.
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And it ought to
be in your own home.
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You got it.
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Paul goes on to speak about
what you just said, he says,
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"No one to abuses his own
body, does he unless he's ill,
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something's wrong?
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No, he feeds and pampers it."
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That's how Christ
treats us the church.
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He pampers us. Pampers us.
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Everything about
being pampered by God.
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But you know that,
that's what He does,
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and that is the model
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with which we are
to have our families.
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We are to pamper one
another, to lift each other up,
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to make this a safe place.
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Now, you grew up in
a home that did that.
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I grew up in a home
that did not always do that.
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And it's a skill
that I've had to learn,
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but I've seen the
interactions in your home.
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Before your father died,
and your mother still alive.
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But still I saw that
uplifting of one another,
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and that's what Christ
wants for us in our home.
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Absolutely, and he wants
us to cherish each other.
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The word cherish is
in her as well, it says,
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"That's why a man
leaves father and mother
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and cherishes his wife."
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To be cherished, that
there is someone who values me.
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Yeah.
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And he wants us to
cherish one another.
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I talk to one woman who said,
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"I just wish there
was someone in this world
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who cherished me
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and it's
certainly not my husband."
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And she said that
with such great pain,
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you know, I wish there
was someone who cherished me.
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Right.
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We need that, and
Christ is saying right here.
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Paul is telling us that.
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"Christ cherishes us.
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And that's what he wants
us to do for one another."
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It says, "No longer
two, they becomes one flesh."
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Verse 32, "This
is a huge mystery
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and I don't pretend
to understand it all.
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What is clearest to me is the
way Christ treats the church.
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And this provides a good picture
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of how each husband
is to treat his wife,
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loving himself in loving her,
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and how each wife is
to honor her husband."
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I love myself in loving you.
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So, whenever I do
something good for you,
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something loving for you.
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I'm in essence doing
that loving thing for myself,
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because we are one flesh.
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Well, how does that
play out in a family?
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You know, I think when
we look at our families,
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and we look at
the roles that we play
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and the leadership that we have.
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Sometimes, it's not a
cherishing kind of thing.
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And he's speaking
specifically to husbands here.
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Yeah, he is.
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I think it applies to
both husbands and wives.
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It does.
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But what does it
mean to demonstrate
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a positive love and
a positive leadership?
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You know a part of
that I think is to look at
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what each other needs.
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There're
different leadership styles
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that we can
establish in our home,
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and of course I speak
about this primarily to fathers.
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But it's good to remember
this with husbands as well.
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There are two leadership
styles, one is authoritarian
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and the other is authoritative.
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Authoritarian is
about commanding control.
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It's more
distant. It is more cold.
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And it's about giving
commands and exercising control.
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When we think about authority...
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Yeah.
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We think of the
police, or the government,
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or someone who is in authority
and they will set the rules.
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A dictator,
they'll set the rules,
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they'll tell us what to
do, and we will fall in line.
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And by the way that style
of leadership in the home.
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When a man especially does this,
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but men or women either one,
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but when a man especially
assumes an authoritarian role,
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he produces rebellion
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in his spouse
and in his children.
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Why would that be?
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Well, eventually you're
tired of being told what to do.
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And how to live your life,
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and the command
and control issue
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gets old after a while.
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And people will, you
know, would just kind of
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dig their heels in
and drag and resist.
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It may be that they
do so more passively,
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and sometimes they do
so far more aggressively.
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But you can, you can
watch this through the years
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and a lot of research
has been done on this.
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It almost always
produces rebellion,
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whether it's a
silent, passive rebellion
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or more aggressive rebellion,
it always produces rebellion.
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And then I think often we think
we're doing the right thing.
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Because we think, well,
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my family is going to
stay within these lines,
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we're going to
go toward that goal.
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We're gonna be well ordered.
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Yes, we will have a
well ordered machine here.
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Right.
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And as a result,
we will have children
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that are good
citizens and please God.
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If it doesn't
necessarily work that way.
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It doesn't work that
way, it is a failed system.
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There is a better model
for leadership in the home
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and it's authoritative.
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And authoritative
begins with warmth
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and then add structure.
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It begins... Warmth first.
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You know, the Bible says,
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"God through the prophets says
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with bands of loving kindness
have I drawn you to myself."
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So, God draws
us, He entreats us.
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He loves us first.
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We love God because
He has loved us first.
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He first loved us.
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And Jesus says, this
whole new commandment
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I've given to you
that you love one another.
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And again scripture
says, "By this they shall know
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that you are my disciples,
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and that you have
love one for another."
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It begins with
warmth, and out of warmth
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then we can add structure.
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The emphasis is
never on the structure,
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it's on the
warmth, but the structure
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comes in afterwards, we
begin to add that together.
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Well, if I love you,
and I know that you love me.
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And that love is demonstrated,
then there's always a warmth,
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and a caring, and
a forgiving spirit.
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Then I'm going to want to
do what you want me to do.
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It's easy to do that,
that's easy for children
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to follow
parents that love them.
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Now, the research shows
that rules should be few.
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They should be will chosen
and consistently enforced.
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But they should always bring
out a relationship of love.
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They start with warmth.
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And there's always
a reason for the rule,
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we can explain the reason.
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But it's always coming out
of a relationship of warmth,
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that starts with warmth
and then it add structure.
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So, you've got to
have a relationship first.
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It comes back to
relationship once again.
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And when we're looking at
marriage, it's the same way.
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When we have a
relationship first
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and warmth and that
feeling of being cherished,
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then there is much less rub,
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you know, between the two of us.
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What are we going to do?
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Who's going to
be in charge here?
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How are we gonna live our lives?
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You know, one of the things
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that used to be in
marriage ceremonies
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was love, honor, and obey.
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Right.
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And the obey word
and they're just like ah.
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It strikes people the wrong way.
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Absolutely.
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But when you look at
the root word of obey.
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It is to hear.
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It's just to
hear the other person.
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Now, if you're
talking to me in a loving way.
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And you are demonstrating
how much you love me.
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I'm demonstrating how
much you love, I love you.
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We're going to hear each other
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and then there
is much less problem
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with who's in charge.
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Who's going to
be the leader here?
00:10:33.93\00:10:36.13
It's basically a give and take.
00:10:36.16\00:10:38.80
If you know that I love you,
00:10:38.83\00:10:40.64
and I speak to you in
tenderness and with warmth,
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you want to listen, and
you want to do what I say.
00:10:43.94\00:10:47.34
Well, I want to please.
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You want to
please, you want to please.
00:10:48.74\00:10:50.08
And that's how it is with God.
00:10:50.11\00:10:51.45
God starts with love.
00:10:51.48\00:10:52.81
He's got these rules over here.
00:10:52.85\00:10:54.18
But, you know what, those
rules are not odious to us,
00:10:54.22\00:10:56.58
they're kind of the basic
principles of relationship.
00:10:56.62\00:10:58.95
We find the structure
for healthy relationships
00:10:58.99\00:11:01.36
in the Ten Commandments.
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And it's not odious for
us to follow those things.
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We hear him and
because He loves us,
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we long to do
something to please Him.
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That's the
leadership style of Christ,
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He starts with that warmth.
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And I think that we have,
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we have dual
leadership in our homes
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because each of us
is loving the other,
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and we're wanting
to follow the other,
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or wanting to follow hard.
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So, there's not any, any
issue there of who's in charge?
00:11:24.28\00:11:29.18
How are we going
to make decisions?
00:11:29.22\00:11:30.79
I think for men, a lot of times,
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you know, we talk
about being the head
00:11:32.65\00:11:33.99
of household and that's true.
00:11:34.02\00:11:36.79
But you understand
that head of household
00:11:36.83\00:11:39.29
is not something you can demand.
00:11:39.33\00:11:41.46
It is something you earn.
00:11:41.50\00:11:43.16
It is and you earn
it by first loving.
00:11:43.20\00:11:45.70
God never gives privilege
without responsibility though.
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And when He says,
"Head of household,
00:11:48.87\00:11:50.61
He gives
responsibility to me as a man",
00:11:50.64\00:11:52.87
and says, "I want you
to take the lead in love,
00:11:52.91\00:11:55.78
I want you to start
meeting the needs of your family
00:11:55.81\00:11:58.45
before you expect
anything in return.
00:11:58.48\00:12:01.12
You are to love as
Christ loved the church."
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That's the responsibility.
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And until I do that, no woman
is safe in submitting to me.
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But when I learn to love
as Christ loves the church
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and she sees, you see the warmth
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in my voice and in my
relationship toward you,
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then you listen.
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Absolutely.
00:12:17.67\00:12:19.00
And that listening
makes you want to please.
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And we do that back
and forth into each other,
00:12:20.40\00:12:22.40
but I do believe that
it starts with the man.
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The man is the one
who needs to take the lead
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in establishing a relationship
of warmth for the home.
00:12:26.44\00:12:30.58
Again, I know we're
running out of time here,
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but I wanted to get quickly
00:12:32.25\00:12:33.58
if we could to
Ecclesiastes Chapter 4
00:12:33.62\00:12:36.22
where it says, "Two
are better than one..."
00:12:36.25\00:12:37.95
We start with verse 9,
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"Because they have a
good return for their labor."
00:12:39.35\00:12:41.32
If we work together,
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it's easier to get
the job done, right?
00:12:42.72\00:12:44.23
"For if either of them falls,
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the one will
lift up his companion.
00:12:45.69\00:12:47.30
But woe to the one who falls
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when there is not
another to lift him up."
00:12:48.76\00:12:50.97
You fall by yourself.
00:12:51.00\00:12:52.47
You're in
trouble, aren't you? Yeah
00:12:52.50\00:12:54.20
"Furthermore, if
two lie down together
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they keep warm, but
how can one be warm alone?"
00:12:56.30\00:12:59.31
You know, this
is true especially.
00:12:59.34\00:13:01.34
You have no blood
flow to the extremities
00:13:01.38\00:13:04.25
you're always told.
00:13:04.28\00:13:05.61
Well, I was thinking
about this text recently
00:13:05.65\00:13:08.15
when you were gone.
00:13:08.18\00:13:09.52
Because it says, you know that
00:13:09.55\00:13:11.45
"If you lie down
together, you stay warm."
00:13:11.49\00:13:14.06
Well, when I lie down by myself,
00:13:14.09\00:13:16.16
my hands are
cold, my feet are cold,
00:13:16.19\00:13:18.09
but we have this agreement
00:13:18.13\00:13:19.86
that when I get in bed at night,
00:13:19.89\00:13:21.26
I can put my cold feet on you.
00:13:21.30\00:13:23.50
And you can jump in pain.
00:13:23.53\00:13:25.83
I do, I do regularly when
you put your cold feet on.
00:13:25.87\00:13:28.30
You know, we made that agreement
00:13:28.34\00:13:30.31
before we got married.
00:13:30.34\00:13:31.67
And I had no idea
how cold those feet were.
00:13:31.71\00:13:33.88
But I've held true
to my word, have I not?
00:13:33.91\00:13:36.14
In verse 12, "And if
one can overpower him
00:13:36.18\00:13:39.15
who is alone,
two can resist him.
00:13:39.18\00:13:41.45
A cord of three strands
is not quickly torn apart."
00:13:41.48\00:13:43.85
And the third strand
of course is Jesus Christ.
00:13:43.89\00:13:46.76
Yeah.
00:13:46.79\00:13:48.12
When we're together, we
have much more strength.
00:13:48.16\00:13:50.83
We stand back to
back, we can face any foe.
00:13:50.86\00:13:53.06
That's right.
00:13:53.09\00:13:54.43
Again, what we think
that scripture is telling us
00:13:54.46\00:13:56.43
is that we are team.
00:13:56.46\00:13:58.03
God has designed that
your marriage should be
00:13:58.07\00:14:00.54
two becoming one.
00:14:00.57\00:14:02.70
You should be a team
and together by God's grace,
00:14:02.74\00:14:06.01
you can be
madly in love forever.
00:14:06.04\00:14:08.48