Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000078
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:34 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my lovely wife, June. 00:38 Together, we want to share with you the topic, 00:42 After the Pomp and Circumstance. 00:46 You know, June, marriage is always a beautiful thing. 00:50 And we, ourselves, we have had one a couple of years ago. 00:56 No, not couple. 33 years ago. 00:58 Shhhh. 00:59 Okay. 01:00 But then our daughter got married a few months ago. 01:04 And so we went through that again in planning and 01:06 preparing for that one. 01:07 And like our friend said to us in our time, 01:10 and now in her wedding, it was beautiful, it was lovely. 01:14 And weddings are always an exciting and beautiful thing. 01:18 But is that all to marriage, is just the wedding 01:22 and afterwards they ride off in splendor 01:27 and honeymoon forever? 01:29 That's part of what I think creates the intrigue 01:34 because I don't think that many young people 01:36 think beyond the wedding day. 01:38 And so they see the event of the wedding, 01:41 the pomp and circumstance; the beautiful dress, 01:44 the flowers, and all that goes with the ceremony 01:47 as the occasion. 01:48 But no, that's not all there is to the experience. 01:53 Marriage comes beyond the wedding day. 01:56 You know, as you said that, I was working with a couple 02:01 in premarital counseling, and the question came up, 02:05 I asked the young man, "So after the wedding, 02:08 where are you folks going to live?" 02:10 And he looked up in the sky and he said, "You know, 02:13 we never thought of that. " 02:15 And I'm serious. 02:16 So they're planning a wedding and they're so caught up in 02:20 all the activities of the day that they forgot that there's 02:23 life after the wedding. 02:24 So we would like to talk about life after the wedding, 02:27 after the tumult and the shouting dies, 02:30 the pomp and the circumstance, and the friends are gone, 02:33 and the flowers fade, and you're set into reality now. 02:37 What do you do? 02:38 I often think when I hear the divorce statistic 02:43 which implies that 50%, and more in some cultural groups, 02:48 end up in a divorce. 02:50 And I think how tragic that here are all these beautiful plans 02:54 put in place, but then 50% of them don't make it. 02:58 Now I think that one of the remedies would be, 03:01 if couples before they get married really work through 03:06 the stages that they're likely to go through, 03:09 anticipating what they need to do so that they can plan well, 03:16 and make a decision before they actually get into it 03:18 if this is the person that is likely to help me 03:22 make those plans come true. 03:24 Psychologists call the period that comes right after marriage, 03:28 the power struggle period. 03:31 I don't know why they call it, and I'm not subscribing to it, 03:34 but that's what they have dubbed it, the power struggle. 03:39 But let's talk about that period, and what are some of 03:42 the things that are going on here? 03:43 Because obviously, these two strangers, 03:46 quote unquote strangers, as it were, 03:48 they're coming together to negotiate and to 03:51 navigate their lives. 03:53 What are the expectations? What are the issues? 03:55 What should they be working out? 03:57 I think it's an appropriate label for the stage 03:59 after the honeymoon, the power struggle. 04:01 Because that's exactly what happens. 04:03 They are two people who are coming together, 04:05 and for the first time they're now going to live together 04:09 beyond the wedding day. 04:11 And so, yes, they're going to have to make decisions 04:15 about new rules, they're going to develop structure, 04:19 patterns of communication in their relationship, 04:22 and all the things that go into making a relationship effective. 04:26 They have to settle now on finances, whereas before 04:30 you spend your money the way you choose, 04:32 how you feel, you save if you want, if you don't, etcetera. 04:35 It's your life, your money. 04:36 Ah ha, but now you have somebody and the rules change. 04:40 And you now have to settle down and decide now, 04:43 How are we going to spend this money? 04:45 How are we going to make a budget and appropriate 04:48 what part of the finances go to where in the budget? 04:51 We're talking about rules and structure. 04:53 We see the family as a system, an organization, and when 04:59 two people come together, it's no longer singular. 05:02 So here we are, that we're going to have to coexist in the 05:06 same space, we need to work out how we're going to do this. 05:09 How is labor divided? 05:11 How are we going to organize the holidays, 05:15 who will go where and when? 05:17 You know, if you have to go out, you're now 05:20 accountable to your spouse. 05:21 All these rules and all these things will have to be 05:24 negotiated and very clear limits need to be placed 05:29 so that you can go forward minimizing conflicts. 05:32 But some people, after they're married, still want to 05:37 resort to old patterns of behavior. 05:40 I use to hang out with my girlfriends. 05:43 I use to hang out with my guys. 05:46 And you know, you have to understand, you have to 05:49 make this adjustment because it's a girl thing and you 05:52 may not understand girls. 05:54 That doesn't mean your life is over when it comes to the 05:57 things that you might have found, you know, pleasurable. 06:01 But you now have to include your husband. 06:04 So he needs to know if you're going out with your girlfriends, 06:07 for example, a Thursday evening for whatever reason, 06:10 then he should know where you are. 06:12 You should have some time frame that is involved 06:15 so you don't come back 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning and 06:17 you're not able to account for where you were. 06:20 And vice versa. 06:21 If he has to go out to the games with his guy friends, 06:23 or wherever guys go, you know, you're playing golf or 06:27 you're playing whatever, then your wife should know. 06:29 And now that demands some communication. 06:32 So there needs to be openness and transparency in what you do. 06:35 And we're saying it is during this stage, it is necessary 06:38 to negotiate and work these out in order to have a 06:43 smoother marriage as you move along. 06:45 That's why they call it the power struggle 06:47 because you may not get all that you want right away 06:50 and you might have a fight and argue and fuss, and whatever. 06:52 But the idea is, you work it out. 06:54 Hopefully not fight, but certainly communicate. 06:57 But you now have to think "we" instead of "I". 07:01 The dynamics change now. 07:03 And so, what I use to do becomes what we have to do 07:07 or what we need to do. 07:09 That's important. 07:10 And if it's a nuclear family and this is the first time 07:12 you're married, it might be a little easier. 07:14 But think about how much more difficult it is 07:16 if you're in a blended family where you have several 07:19 other extended family members who are going to be included 07:22 in your relationship. 07:23 You have to establish limits, you must decide 07:27 how that's going to be divided up, and what role 07:30 these people will play in your life. 07:32 And of course, if it is your desire and God's plan 07:36 for your life, you're going to start talking about 07:39 children, the entrance of children in the family. 07:43 Now that's a whole new and different dynamics. 07:47 Now when children enter into the family, 07:51 the dyadic relationship, it changes everything completely. 07:58 What are some of the issues that we're talking about here? 08:01 Sometimes it's traumatic for the couple. 08:06 I just this last evening spoke to a friend of mine, 08:11 who became a father for the first time, 08:14 and I called to say happy father's day. 08:17 And he didn't sound very happy at all. 08:20 And I said, "What's going on?" 08:22 And he said, "You have no idea, man. 08:24 I didn't know that this was how it was. " 08:27 He hasn't slept for days and he was just really... 08:30 And I thought and I said to him, I said, "Take a deep breath. 08:33 It is going to get better. " 08:34 So yes, there are changes. 08:36 You're going with all the anticipation, you're wife is 08:39 pregnant and you can't wait for this baby to land. 08:41 And now the baby is here and your life goes into a whirlwind, 08:45 as it were, with all the adaptation and the adjustment 08:48 that you have to make. 08:49 And another thing a child does is that it 08:52 triangulates the relationship. 08:54 Now we think, this is in the context of a nuclear family. 08:57 And so it was just both of you and your life and world 09:01 surrounds you. 09:03 You wake up when you feel like it, 09:04 you go to bed when you feel like it. 09:05 You go here, you go there, etcetera. 09:07 Once that child comes in, it changes everything. 09:10 The child triangulates the relationship. 09:12 And sometimes it creates problems in the dyad. 09:15 So you have sometimes, you know the husbands 09:18 sometimes feel displaced by a new baby 09:21 because no longer is the attention all on him. 09:24 Now the wife is preoccupied taking care of the baby 09:27 and he feels like, "Well, what's going on here?" 09:30 And even though he loves his child, it does 09:33 create some tension. 09:35 So that's something you have to understand 09:37 and be able to work through. 09:38 All this pampering that he use to get, it is the child 09:41 that is getting it now. 09:42 So his emotions are starving for some of this. 09:46 And jealousy can set in. 09:48 Even though it is his child, jealousy can set in there. 09:52 I had the saddest experience once when I went to 09:55 speak at a retreat. 09:56 And a young woman came up to me after the presentation 10:00 and she said, "Oh I have to talk to you, I'm so depressed. " 10:02 I said, "What's going on?" and she said, "I just had a 10:04 baby and it's 4 months old. 10:06 And I have suicidal thoughts. " 10:08 I said, "Suicidal?" 10:10 She said, "And I also have homicidal thoughts. " 10:13 My eyes were popped open. 10:15 She loved her child, but symbolically what the child 10:19 meant to her drove her into depression. 10:21 So I counseled her to get help and explained to her the 10:25 dynamics of what was going on that she was experiencing 10:27 postpartum depression and needed help. 10:29 But that's what happens with some young couples. 10:31 They suddenly take on this new role of parenting 10:35 and the anticipation of all that it will bring 10:38 translates into hard work. 10:40 And they sometimes can't handle it and their emotions get 10:42 wrapped up with their hormones, and it just creates a crisis. 10:45 And here's what is happening now, parents. 10:48 You have a new set of problems, a new set of conflicts, 10:51 because the friction starts between both of you 10:59 in terms of child discipline. 11:02 You might have grown up into a strict disciplinarian home 11:07 where your parents dotted the "i's" and crossed the "t's", 11:12 etcetera, and your spouse might have grown up 11:14 in a kind of a less affair home where things were laid back 11:19 and no big deal. 11:21 And now it wasn't an issue prior to the entrance of the baby, 11:25 it wasn't an issue. 11:27 But now that you have a baby, it becomes a big issue. 11:30 Because you would like to see this happen to your child, 11:34 you would like your child to respond this way, to do this. 11:36 And the other spouse is saying, "Oh, no big deal. 11:39 You know, what are you getting so uptight over?" 11:43 And all of a sudden now, both of you start quarreling 11:46 and the tension increases between both of you. 11:49 This is a good point to indicate where young people who have 11:54 dissimilar faith experiences tend to have problems. 11:58 Because before the baby came, you know, they were adults, 12:00 they would do their own thing. 12:01 And whether they went to church or not, they didn't really care 12:04 if you married somebody outside of your faith. 12:06 But now you have a baby, and all of a sudden, it becomes 12:08 important to you to socialize your child around your faith. 12:11 But your spouse may not share your values and now will not 12:15 necessarily support your attempt to get the child the 12:18 spiritual nurturing that it needs. 12:20 And that now can become a major conflict in your relationship. 12:23 And as a child grows a little older, it is possible that 12:28 the child now can be the one holding the marriage together. 12:31 Because they have focused so much time and attention 12:36 on the child that they start growing apart. 12:39 And they're in the marriage, you're there in the marriage, 12:42 but it is the child that is holding you together. 12:45 That's also a possibility. 12:46 So it's not unusual that one spouse feels neglected 12:49 and the relationship begins to break down. 12:53 And before you know it, they're just not feeling 12:55 the passion as much. 12:57 We are talking about, after the pomp and circumstance. 13:03 We're looking at marriage after the wedding, 13:07 married life after the wedding. 13:10 We are happy that you have joined us 13:13 but we have a lot more that we want to talk about. 13:15 We must go in for the break now, but when we come back 13:18 we want to talk about other changes, other areas, 13:21 and how do you navigate it. 13:23 If we haven't touched your transitional period, we will. 13:26 Just wait on us. 13:27 And if we have already touched yours, 13:29 wait and see what's coming. 13:37 There are many "How To" book available, 13:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:42 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:45 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:49 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:51 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:54 and everyone in between. 13:56 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:10 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:13 We're talking about after the pomp and circumstances. 14:17 Marriages these days are challenged. 14:21 But so much focus is placed on the wedding day, and we want to 14:26 continue to talk about what happens after the wedding day. 14:31 Well, you know, unfortunately but it is a reality, 14:36 conflict will arise. 14:39 Conflicts, in and of themselves, are not necessarily bad 14:43 if we can negotiate them correctly and if we can 14:48 work towards conflict resolution. 14:53 But there are conflicts and difficulties that emerge in a 14:57 relationship now that they have settled into married life. 15:01 What might be some of these conflicts? 15:03 It seems to me that as we said, we have power struggles 15:07 in the original stage right after the honeymoon, 15:09 negotiating the rules and establishing boundaries 15:12 and setting limits. 15:13 And sometimes that wasn't done appropriately. 15:16 And so, you know, people just kind of assume certain roles, 15:20 but it comes with a price. 15:22 And now as you progress and set into your ways, 15:25 it creates conflict in the marriage. 15:27 So it could be just unscripted rules. 15:29 It could also be that poor habits, poor personal habits, 15:33 start to emerge. 15:34 So you probably even gave up certain traits when you 15:39 were dating because it was so important to your lover. 15:43 But now you're married, you're relaxed and you feel well, 15:45 "You know what, I'm going to go back to my old ways. " 15:47 I heard of an incident recently where the young man, 15:54 while they were dating, apparently was using marijuana. 15:57 And the girlfriend said, "Look, I am sorry. 16:01 I love you with all my heart, but I will not marry you 16:04 because I will never want to live in a situation 16:07 where my husband takes any form of drugs, even cigarettes. " 16:12 And he promised her he would change. 16:14 Well he didn't and so she broke the relationship off. 16:17 And she said, for one year she went her way and he went his. 16:22 And then he pursued her after that telling her how he had 16:26 changed his ways, he was now clean for almost a year, 16:29 and he was off the substance. 16:31 And of course, she bought it and she started dating again, 16:35 and he lured her right to the altar. 16:38 And she said, one day into her honeymoon, 16:43 she discovered that he had not done what he said. 16:47 He was actually still taking marijuana. 16:50 And now they're married four years and they're in treatment 16:54 because she's saying, "If he doesn't get help, 16:56 I am leaving. " 16:59 The family will always have challenges. 17:03 One of the adjustments that families sometimes have to make 17:06 is career changes. 17:08 They get to a point in life where they decide this is 17:11 not what they want. 17:12 Or one family member decides they would like to go back 17:15 to school, they would like to continue their education. 17:18 And yes, this can cause conflict. 17:20 One, there's going to be finance involved and one family member 17:27 might say, "We can't afford it. 17:29 Why spend this money? You already have a job. " 17:32 And the other person says, "Yes, but I need to improve myself. 17:36 I need to go back to school. You had promised. " 17:38 And this can create conflict in the relationship. 17:43 And that's unfortunate because whatever happens to one spouse 17:46 is really to the benefit of the family. 17:48 So if there's a situation or an opportunity for either of you 17:54 to develop your capacity, to be progressive, 17:58 it is a good thing. 17:59 And if it means that one person has to pick up the tab 18:02 while the other person goes forward, then that's okay. 18:05 But it must be a mutual consent. 18:07 And when you're through doing whatever, then the other person 18:10 assists you and both of you grow together for the 18:13 advancement of the family. 18:15 But it is true that those kinds of adjustments and changes 18:19 will impose problems because the schedule has to be re-arranged 18:25 to accommodate the student, the children's needs are 18:29 sometimes sacrificed in order to make that happen. 18:32 And those adjustments sometimes impose certain difficulties. 18:36 And during this search and this conflict and difficulties, 18:41 an individual might find himself or herself 18:45 searching for meaning. 18:47 The anticipation and the expectation that they had 18:52 of what marriage and married life would bring them 18:55 is not living up. 18:57 They have children and there are sometimes problems 19:01 with the children. 19:02 Maybe the budget is stretched beyond their capacity to cope. 19:08 And so one individual might stop now to examine and say, 19:13 "What's in this for me? What am I getting out of it?" 19:17 and start to examine themselves and search for meaning in life. 19:23 And during this search, you can find that they might be drifting 19:28 away from connecting to the family. 19:30 It is normal as you go through your own personal 19:35 developmental journey that sometimes you get to that point 19:38 where you feel unfulfilled and you need to make 19:41 changes in your life. 19:42 But you're no longer single so that search should involve 19:46 your spouse, and certainly your entire family. 19:50 And the decisions you make must be in the interest of 19:53 the collective good of the family. 19:55 It cannot be that you step out and do whatever you do 19:59 to achieve your own personal goals, neglecting the imposition 20:03 or even the difficulty it will pose on the family. 20:06 That must be discussed and adequate adjustments 20:09 must be made to scaffold those needs. 20:12 And together you work to achieve the goal that will be 20:16 of interest to all concerned. 20:19 I have discovered, June, that sometimes parents are either; 20:24 one, unaware of, or two, don't really care, 20:29 of the effect that these conflicts that their having, 20:34 that it has on their children. 20:36 And as a result, you find that children who grew up in a 20:41 hostile environment, in a conflictual relationship, 20:46 marital relationship environment, 20:48 when the time comes for them to select a college to go, 20:55 they will select one that is farthest from their home. 21:00 Even though they might get a scholarship, 21:02 get a school nearer with a better scholarship, 21:06 they will still go to the farthest distance. 21:10 According to Murray Bowen, it's called "emotional cut off". 21:15 Sometimes what happens in settings like that is we have 21:18 what is called an enmeshed family where they form 21:21 coalitions and alliances. 21:22 And they literally suffocate the children so that the children 21:27 were used to strengthen the structure, the core, 21:33 what you'd call the inner core of the parents or the adults. 21:37 And the children get over burdened. 21:39 They just can't handle it. 21:40 So there are conflicts between the couple, 21:42 and mom goes talk to the daughter 21:44 or dad goes to talk to the daughter or the son, 21:46 and they disclose their pain to the children, and they're 21:49 over burdened with the issues between their parents. 21:52 And they love both parents, they don't want to take sides. 21:55 And so the child decides, "You know what? 21:57 I am out of here. 21:59 I am going to LA or I'm going to Florida, wherever, 22:03 just to get away from this because I've had enough 22:05 of these two people. " 22:06 Even though they love them with all their hearts, 22:08 and they want to still remain their child. 22:10 They just don't want to deal with the emotional stuff. 22:12 Now parents, we're not in any way suggesting that 22:15 if your child does choose to go to a far away school, 22:19 that it's an escape from you. 22:21 That's not what we're suggesting. 22:22 But we're saying, there is the reality of what is called 22:25 "emotional cut off". 22:26 And sometimes children seek to escape what's going on at home. 22:31 Now as we talk about emotional cut off and children going away, 22:35 that should push us into the next stage 22:38 of children migrating. 22:41 Because this is the stage now where the parents are at 22:45 what we call the mid-life crisis. 22:48 And this is an important stage to look at. 22:53 It could begin even earlier than mid-life, 22:56 but yes, it ushers into. 22:58 And so there are all kinds of adjustments that's going on 23:00 in the family at this time. 23:02 The child is growing up, they're getting to college age, 23:04 they're making their own career choices and decisions. 23:07 But the parents are also developing and they're going 23:10 through their own transitions. 23:11 Maybe career changes, maybe they have to 23:15 downsize or upgrade based on, you know, 23:17 their economic resources. 23:18 And their losing their stand at that point in their life. 23:21 Likely to be either having ailing parents or 23:24 losing their own parents. 23:25 So they're going through their own emotional stuff. 23:28 And all these transitions are occurring at the same time. 23:30 So parents need to be aware and need to understand, 23:34 these are the stages they have to anticipate 23:36 and begin to put things in place to get ready for it 23:39 because it is coming. 23:41 But the danger is that those transitions create conflicts. 23:46 And research has shown also that during this period of time, 23:51 a lot of adulterous relationships develop. 23:54 Because men are, some men I should say, some men are 23:58 now on a quest to discover their fountain of youth. 24:02 The wife is changing physically and changing in other areas, 24:08 and they kind of want to prove something to themselves 24:11 that they are still able, they're still... 24:13 And they're on this quest. 24:17 It is, I think, what happens normally for both men and woman, 24:20 that they go through physical changes in their bodies. 24:23 They begin to slow down where their libido is concerned, 24:26 or to be activated based on their lifestyle and their 24:30 circumstances or their health conditions. 24:32 And so, yes, those changes are occurring. 24:34 And emotionally and psychologically they 24:36 sometimes get into a crisis. 24:38 But it doesn't have to be a crisis. 24:40 If they anticipate it, they plan for it. 24:42 Your beautiful wife is not always going to be as young 24:45 and pretty and attractive as she was on the day you married her. 24:49 But she's still you're beautiful wife. 24:50 You still have to appreciate and admire her. 24:52 You're handsome husband, even will change. 24:55 As much as he is, you know, thinking he will be 24:58 perpetually young, the reality is, he is not as attractive 25:01 as the day you married him as well. 25:03 So both of you will have to make the adjustment and 25:05 appreciate and value each other for the core of who you are. 25:09 Again, not for the externals. 25:11 And there are some issues that can come to play inside here 25:16 because when the last child leaves home, 25:19 the emptiness syndrome, as they often dub this period, 25:23 you can find loneliness and sadness sets in. 25:27 As a matter of fact, when the last child leaves, 25:30 there's a strong likelihood that family could end up in divorce 25:35 because with issues, they use to use their child 25:38 as their way of communicating. 25:40 And now they are... 25:42 They're face to face with each other and conflicts emerge. 25:45 And that is why we encourage parents, don't allow your, 25:49 don't just live in your family or in your marriage relationship 25:52 for your children only. 25:54 You're a couple and that relationship is critical 25:57 So while you take care of your kids and you love your kids, 26:00 you also must bond with each other, invest emotions 26:04 in each other, and relate to each other with openness and 26:07 with clearly open communication. 26:10 So when your children leave, you won't be strangers. 26:13 You will have built this relationship, 26:15 you would have had this bonding together, 26:16 and your lives will simply move on to the next phase. 26:19 But if you didn't, your children will flee the coop 26:22 and you will literally be strangers. 26:24 And yes, you'll be searching to find "what do I do next". 26:28 Now we come to the final stage, retirement. 26:32 Old age and retirement. 26:35 Are you there yet? 26:37 Not at all. 26:39 Not at all. 26:40 But it is a reality. 26:42 People must plan for it because the time is going to be coming 26:47 when you're going to retire. 26:49 You will grow old. 26:50 And sadly and unfortunately, one day you will die. 26:55 You know, my friends, the worst thing that could ever happen 27:00 to an individual is, after they have lived their lives, 27:05 they have grown their children, and they have done well and 27:09 have travelled the world, and have everything, 27:12 when they get to the final stage, their soul is not ready 27:16 to find Jesus Christ and to die with the Lord. 27:20 It's like they hear the words, "The harvest is past, 27:24 the summer is ended, and you are not yet saved. " 27:27 I challenge you, as you navigate your life and as you 27:31 live your life, after the pomp and circumstance, 27:34 every stage, remember to journey along with Jesus Christ. 27:38 Let Him be a part of your life. 27:40 When you get to the end of it all, you want to hear 27:44 from your Master, "Well done thou good and faithful servant. 27:49 Thou hast been faithful over a few things, 27:51 I will make thee ruler over many things. 27:54 Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord. " 27:57 God bless you and enjoy your life. |
Revised 2014-12-17