Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my lovely wife, June.
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Together, we want to
share with you the topic,
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After the Pomp and Circumstance.
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You know, June, marriage
is always a beautiful thing.
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And we, ourselves, we have
had one a couple of years ago.
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No, not couple. 33 years ago.
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Shhhh.
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Okay.
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But then our daughter
got married a few months ago.
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And so we went through
that again in planning and
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preparing for that one.
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And like our friend
said to us in our time,
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and now in her wedding, it
was beautiful, it was lovely.
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And weddings are always an
exciting and beautiful thing.
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But is that all to
marriage, is just the wedding
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and afterwards they
ride off in splendor
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and honeymoon forever?
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That's part of what I
think creates the intrigue
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because I don't think
that many young people
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think beyond the wedding day.
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And so they see the
event of the wedding,
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the pomp and circumstance;
the beautiful dress,
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the flowers, and all
that goes with the ceremony
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as the occasion.
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But no, that's not all
there is to the experience.
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Marriage comes
beyond the wedding day.
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You know, as you said that,
I was working with a couple
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in premarital counseling,
and the question came up,
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I asked the young
man, "So after the wedding,
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where are you
folks going to live?"
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And he looked up in the
sky and he said, "You know,
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we never thought of that. "
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And I'm serious.
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So they're planning a wedding
and they're so caught up in
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all the activities of the day
that they forgot that there's
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life after the wedding.
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So we would like to talk
about life after the wedding,
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after the tumult
and the shouting dies,
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the pomp and the circumstance,
and the friends are gone,
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and the flowers fade, and
you're set into reality now.
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What do you do?
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I often think when I
hear the divorce statistic
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which implies that 50%, and
more in some cultural groups,
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end up in a divorce.
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And I think how tragic that here
are all these beautiful plans
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put in place, but then
50% of them don't make it.
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Now I think that one
of the remedies would be,
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if couples before they get
married really work through
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the stages that
they're likely to go through,
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anticipating what they need to
do so that they can plan well,
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and make a decision
before they actually get into it
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if this is the person
that is likely to help me
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make those plans come true.
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Psychologists call the period
that comes right after marriage,
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the power struggle period.
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I don't know why they call it,
and I'm not subscribing to it,
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but that's what they have
dubbed it, the power struggle.
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But let's talk about that
period, and what are some of
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the things that
are going on here?
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Because obviously,
these two strangers,
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quote unquote
strangers, as it were,
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they're coming
together to negotiate and to
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navigate their lives.
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What are the expectations?
What are the issues?
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What should they be working out?
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I think it's an
appropriate label for the stage
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after the
honeymoon, the power struggle.
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Because that's
exactly what happens.
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They are two people
who are coming together,
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and for the first time they're
now going to live together
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beyond the wedding day.
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And so, yes, they're
going to have to make decisions
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about new rules, they're
going to develop structure,
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patterns of communication
in their relationship,
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and all the things that go into
making a relationship effective.
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They have to settle now
on finances, whereas before
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you spend your
money the way you choose,
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how you feel, you save if you
want, if you don't, etcetera.
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It's your life, your money.
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Ah ha, but now you have
somebody and the rules change.
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And you now have to
settle down and decide now,
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How are we going
to spend this money?
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How are we going to
make a budget and appropriate
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what part of the finances
go to where in the budget?
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We're talking about
rules and structure.
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We see the family as a system,
an organization, and when
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two people come together,
it's no longer singular.
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So here we are, that we're
going to have to coexist in the
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same space, we need to work
out how we're going to do this.
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How is labor divided?
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How are we going to
organize the holidays,
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who will go where and when?
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You know, if you
have to go out, you're now
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accountable to your spouse.
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All these rules and all
these things will have to be
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negotiated and very
clear limits need to be placed
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so that you can go
forward minimizing conflicts.
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But some people, after
they're married, still want to
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resort to old
patterns of behavior.
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I use to hang out
with my girlfriends.
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I use to hang out with my guys.
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And you know, you have
to understand, you have to
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make this adjustment because
it's a girl thing and you
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may not understand girls.
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That doesn't mean your life
is over when it comes to the
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things that you might have
found, you know, pleasurable.
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But you now have to
include your husband.
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So he needs to know if you're
going out with your girlfriends,
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for example, a Thursday
evening for whatever reason,
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then he should
know where you are.
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You should have some
time frame that is involved
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so you don't come back 3 or
4 o'clock in the morning and
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you're not able to
account for where you were.
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And vice versa.
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If he has to go out to the
games with his guy friends,
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or wherever guys go, you
know, you're playing golf or
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you're playing whatever,
then your wife should know.
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And now that
demands some communication.
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So there needs to be openness
and transparency in what you do.
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And we're saying it is during
this stage, it is necessary
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to negotiate and work
these out in order to have a
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smoother marriage
as you move along.
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That's why they call
it the power struggle
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because you may not get
all that you want right away
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and you might have a fight and
argue and fuss, and whatever.
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But the idea
is, you work it out.
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Hopefully not fight,
but certainly communicate.
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But you now have to
think "we" instead of "I".
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The dynamics change now.
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And so, what I use to do
becomes what we have to do
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or what we need to do.
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That's important.
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And if it's a nuclear family
and this is the first time
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you're married, it
might be a little easier.
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But think about how
much more difficult it is
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if you're in a blended
family where you have several
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other extended family members
who are going to be included
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in your relationship.
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You have to establish
limits, you must decide
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how that's going to be
divided up, and what role
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these people will
play in your life.
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And of course, if it is
your desire and God's plan
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for your life, you're
going to start talking about
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children, the entrance
of children in the family.
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Now that's a whole new
and different dynamics.
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Now when children
enter into the family,
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the dyadic relationship, it
changes everything completely.
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What are some of the issues
that we're talking about here?
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Sometimes it's
traumatic for the couple.
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I just this last evening
spoke to a friend of mine,
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who became a
father for the first time,
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and I called to
say happy father's day.
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And he didn't
sound very happy at all.
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And I said, "What's going on?"
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And he said, "You
have no idea, man.
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I didn't know that
this was how it was. "
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He hasn't slept for days
and he was just really...
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And I thought and I said to him,
I said, "Take a deep breath.
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It is going to get better. "
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So yes, there are changes.
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You're going with all the
anticipation, you're wife is
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pregnant and you can't
wait for this baby to land.
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And now the baby is here and
your life goes into a whirlwind,
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as it were, with all the
adaptation and the adjustment
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that you have to make.
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And another thing a
child does is that it
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triangulates the relationship.
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Now we think, this is in
the context of a nuclear family.
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And so it was just both of
you and your life and world
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surrounds you.
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You wake up when
you feel like it,
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you go to bed
when you feel like it.
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You go here, you
go there, etcetera.
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Once that child comes
in, it changes everything.
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The child
triangulates the relationship.
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And sometimes it
creates problems in the dyad.
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So you have
sometimes, you know the husbands
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sometimes feel
displaced by a new baby
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because no longer is
the attention all on him.
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Now the wife is preoccupied
taking care of the baby
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and he feels like,
"Well, what's going on here?"
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And even though he
loves his child, it does
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create some tension.
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So that's something
you have to understand
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and be able to work through.
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All this pampering that he
use to get, it is the child
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that is getting it now.
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So his emotions are
starving for some of this.
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And jealousy can set in.
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Even though it is his child,
jealousy can set in there.
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I had the saddest
experience once when I went to
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speak at a retreat.
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And a young woman came up
to me after the presentation
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and she said, "Oh I have to
talk to you, I'm so depressed. "
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I said, "What's going on?"
and she said, "I just had a
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baby and it's 4 months old.
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And I have suicidal thoughts. "
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I said, "Suicidal?"
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She said, "And I also
have homicidal thoughts. "
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My eyes were popped open.
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She loved her child, but
symbolically what the child
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meant to her drove
her into depression.
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So I counseled her to get
help and explained to her the
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dynamics of what was going
on that she was experiencing
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postpartum
depression and needed help.
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But that's what happens
with some young couples.
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They suddenly take on
this new role of parenting
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and the anticipation
of all that it will bring
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translates into hard work.
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And they sometimes can't
handle it and their emotions get
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wrapped up with their hormones,
and it just creates a crisis.
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And here's what is
happening now, parents.
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You have a new set of problems,
a new set of conflicts,
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because the friction
starts between both of you
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in terms of child discipline.
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You might have grown up into
a strict disciplinarian home
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where your parents dotted
the "i's" and crossed the "t's",
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etcetera, and your
spouse might have grown up
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in a kind of a less affair
home where things were laid back
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and no big deal.
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And now it wasn't an issue prior
to the entrance of the baby,
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it wasn't an issue.
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But now that you have a
baby, it becomes a big issue.
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Because you would like to
see this happen to your child,
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you would like your child to
respond this way, to do this.
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And the other spouse is
saying, "Oh, no big deal.
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You know, what are you
getting so uptight over?"
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And all of a sudden now,
both of you start quarreling
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and the tension
increases between both of you.
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This is a good point to indicate
where young people who have
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dissimilar faith experiences
tend to have problems.
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Because before the baby came,
you know, they were adults,
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they would do their own thing.
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And whether they went to church
or not, they didn't really care
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if you married
somebody outside of your faith.
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But now you have a baby,
and all of a sudden, it becomes
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important to you to socialize
your child around your faith.
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But your spouse may not share
your values and now will not
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necessarily support your
attempt to get the child the
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spiritual
nurturing that it needs.
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And that now can become a major
conflict in your relationship.
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And as a child grows a little
older, it is possible that
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the child now can be the one
holding the marriage together.
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Because they have focused
so much time and attention
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on the child that
they start growing apart.
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And they're in the marriage,
you're there in the marriage,
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but it is the child
that is holding you together.
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That's also a possibility.
00:12:45.36\00:12:46.83
So it's not unusual that
one spouse feels neglected
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and the relationship
begins to break down.
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And before you know it,
they're just not feeling
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the passion as much.
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We are talking about,
after the pomp and circumstance.
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We're looking at
marriage after the wedding,
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married life after the wedding.
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We are happy that
you have joined us
00:13:10.48\00:13:12.98
but we have a lot more
that we want to talk about.
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We must go in for the
break now, but when we come back
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we want to talk about
other changes, other areas,
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and how do you navigate it.
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If we haven't touched your
transitional period, we will.
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Just wait on us.
00:13:26.69\00:13:27.69
And if we have
already touched yours,
00:13:27.70\00:13:29.00
wait and see what's coming.
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Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:10.30\00:14:13.19
We're talking about after
the pomp and circumstances.
00:14:13.22\00:14:17.78
Marriages these
days are challenged.
00:14:17.81\00:14:21.36
But so much focus is placed on
the wedding day, and we want to
00:14:21.37\00:14:26.13
continue to talk about what
happens after the wedding day.
00:14:26.16\00:14:31.86
Well, you know, unfortunately
but it is a reality,
00:14:31.87\00:14:36.91
conflict will arise.
00:14:36.94\00:14:39.64
Conflicts, in and of themselves,
are not necessarily bad
00:14:39.67\00:14:43.93
if we can negotiate
them correctly and if we can
00:14:43.96\00:14:48.31
work towards
conflict resolution.
00:14:48.34\00:14:53.16
But there are conflicts and
difficulties that emerge in a
00:14:53.19\00:14:57.11
relationship now that they
have settled into married life.
00:14:57.14\00:15:01.33
What might be some
of these conflicts?
00:15:01.36\00:15:03.25
It seems to me that as we
said, we have power struggles
00:15:03.47\00:15:07.12
in the original stage
right after the honeymoon,
00:15:07.13\00:15:09.67
negotiating the rules
and establishing boundaries
00:15:09.70\00:15:12.18
and setting limits.
00:15:12.19\00:15:13.31
And sometimes that
wasn't done appropriately.
00:15:13.34\00:15:16.73
And so, you know, people just
kind of assume certain roles,
00:15:16.76\00:15:20.42
but it comes with a price.
00:15:20.45\00:15:22.68
And now as you
progress and set into your ways,
00:15:22.71\00:15:25.69
it creates
conflict in the marriage.
00:15:25.72\00:15:27.47
So it could be
just unscripted rules.
00:15:27.50\00:15:29.92
It could also be that poor
habits, poor personal habits,
00:15:29.93\00:15:33.39
start to emerge.
00:15:33.42\00:15:34.41
So you probably even gave
up certain traits when you
00:15:34.44\00:15:39.73
were dating because it was
so important to your lover.
00:15:39.76\00:15:43.06
But now you're married, you're
relaxed and you feel well,
00:15:43.09\00:15:45.52
"You know what, I'm going
to go back to my old ways. "
00:15:45.55\00:15:47.89
I heard of an incident
recently where the young man,
00:15:47.92\00:15:54.02
while they were dating,
apparently was using marijuana.
00:15:54.05\00:15:57.80
And the girlfriend
said, "Look, I am sorry.
00:15:57.83\00:16:01.18
I love you with all my
heart, but I will not marry you
00:16:01.19\00:16:04.66
because I will never
want to live in a situation
00:16:04.69\00:16:07.41
where my husband takes any form
of drugs, even cigarettes. "
00:16:07.44\00:16:12.03
And he promised
her he would change.
00:16:12.06\00:16:14.83
Well he didn't and so she
broke the relationship off.
00:16:14.86\00:16:17.65
And she said, for one year she
went her way and he went his.
00:16:17.68\00:16:22.16
And then he pursued her after
that telling her how he had
00:16:22.19\00:16:26.00
changed his ways, he was
now clean for almost a year,
00:16:26.03\00:16:29.53
and he was off the substance.
00:16:29.56\00:16:31.81
And of course, she bought it
and she started dating again,
00:16:31.82\00:16:35.62
and he lured her
right to the altar.
00:16:35.65\00:16:38.83
And she said, one
day into her honeymoon,
00:16:38.84\00:16:43.75
she discovered that he
had not done what he said.
00:16:43.78\00:16:47.49
He was actually
still taking marijuana.
00:16:47.50\00:16:50.31
And now they're married four
years and they're in treatment
00:16:50.34\00:16:54.20
because she's saying,
"If he doesn't get help,
00:16:54.23\00:16:56.44
I am leaving. "
00:16:56.47\00:16:57.65
The family will
always have challenges.
00:16:59.18\00:17:03.18
One of the adjustments that
families sometimes have to make
00:17:03.68\00:17:06.79
is career changes.
00:17:06.82\00:17:08.53
They get to a point in
life where they decide this is
00:17:08.56\00:17:11.36
not what they want.
00:17:11.39\00:17:12.49
Or one family member decides
they would like to go back
00:17:12.52\00:17:15.89
to school, they would like
to continue their education.
00:17:15.92\00:17:18.50
And yes, this
can cause conflict.
00:17:18.53\00:17:20.65
One, there's going to be finance
involved and one family member
00:17:20.68\00:17:27.67
might say, "We can't afford it.
00:17:27.70\00:17:29.80
Why spend this money?
You already have a job. "
00:17:29.83\00:17:32.95
And the other person says, "Yes,
but I need to improve myself.
00:17:32.98\00:17:36.14
I need to go back to
school. You had promised. "
00:17:36.17\00:17:38.27
And this can create
conflict in the relationship.
00:17:38.30\00:17:42.43
And that's unfortunate because
whatever happens to one spouse
00:17:43.05\00:17:46.45
is really to the
benefit of the family.
00:17:46.48\00:17:48.80
So if there's a situation or
an opportunity for either of you
00:17:48.83\00:17:53.98
to develop your
capacity, to be progressive,
00:17:54.01\00:17:58.13
it is a good thing.
00:17:58.14\00:17:59.37
And if it means that one
person has to pick up the tab
00:17:59.40\00:18:02.36
while the other person
goes forward, then that's okay.
00:18:02.39\00:18:05.38
But it must be a mutual consent.
00:18:05.41\00:18:07.47
And when you're through doing
whatever, then the other person
00:18:07.50\00:18:10.96
assists you and both of
you grow together for the
00:18:10.99\00:18:13.70
advancement of the family.
00:18:13.73\00:18:15.50
But it is true that those
kinds of adjustments and changes
00:18:15.51\00:18:19.08
will impose problems because the
schedule has to be re-arranged
00:18:19.09\00:18:24.99
to accommodate the student,
the children's needs are
00:18:25.00\00:18:29.25
sometimes sacrificed in
order to make that happen.
00:18:29.26\00:18:32.03
And those adjustments sometimes
impose certain difficulties.
00:18:32.04\00:18:36.03
And during this search and
this conflict and difficulties,
00:18:36.06\00:18:41.93
an individual might
find himself or herself
00:18:41.96\00:18:45.72
searching for meaning.
00:18:45.75\00:18:47.81
The anticipation and the
expectation that they had
00:18:47.84\00:18:52.03
of what marriage and
married life would bring them
00:18:52.06\00:18:55.42
is not living up.
00:18:55.45\00:18:57.32
They have children and
there are sometimes problems
00:18:57.35\00:19:01.04
with the children.
00:19:01.07\00:19:02.16
Maybe the budget is stretched
beyond their capacity to cope.
00:19:02.19\00:19:08.30
And so one individual might
stop now to examine and say,
00:19:08.33\00:19:13.53
"What's in this for me?
What am I getting out of it?"
00:19:13.56\00:19:17.14
and start to examine themselves
and search for meaning in life.
00:19:17.17\00:19:23.44
And during this search, you can
find that they might be drifting
00:19:23.47\00:19:28.19
away from
connecting to the family.
00:19:28.22\00:19:30.80
It is normal as you go
through your own personal
00:19:30.83\00:19:35.20
developmental journey that
sometimes you get to that point
00:19:35.23\00:19:38.75
where you feel
unfulfilled and you need to make
00:19:38.78\00:19:41.37
changes in your life.
00:19:41.40\00:19:42.54
But you're no longer single
so that search should involve
00:19:42.57\00:19:46.83
your spouse, and
certainly your entire family.
00:19:46.86\00:19:50.26
And the decisions you
make must be in the interest of
00:19:50.29\00:19:53.51
the collective
good of the family.
00:19:53.54\00:19:55.95
It cannot be that you
step out and do whatever you do
00:19:55.98\00:19:59.82
to achieve your own personal
goals, neglecting the imposition
00:19:59.85\00:20:03.75
or even the difficulty
it will pose on the family.
00:20:03.78\00:20:06.30
That must be discussed
and adequate adjustments
00:20:06.33\00:20:09.69
must be made to
scaffold those needs.
00:20:09.72\00:20:12.62
And together you work to
achieve the goal that will be
00:20:12.65\00:20:16.37
of interest to all concerned.
00:20:16.40\00:20:19.01
I have discovered, June, that
sometimes parents are either;
00:20:19.04\00:20:24.70
one, unaware of, or
two, don't really care,
00:20:24.73\00:20:29.35
of the effect that these
conflicts that their having,
00:20:29.36\00:20:34.95
that it has on their children.
00:20:34.98\00:20:36.93
And as a result, you find
that children who grew up in a
00:20:36.96\00:20:41.86
hostile environment, in
a conflictual relationship,
00:20:41.89\00:20:46.38
marital
relationship environment,
00:20:46.41\00:20:48.93
when the time comes for
them to select a college to go,
00:20:48.94\00:20:55.80
they will select one that
is farthest from their home.
00:20:55.83\00:21:00.48
Even though they
might get a scholarship,
00:21:00.51\00:21:02.95
get a school nearer
with a better scholarship,
00:21:02.98\00:21:06.54
they will still go to
the farthest distance.
00:21:06.55\00:21:10.17
According to Murray Bowen,
it's called "emotional cut off".
00:21:10.18\00:21:14.85
Sometimes what happens in
settings like that is we have
00:21:15.47\00:21:18.83
what is called an
enmeshed family where they form
00:21:18.86\00:21:21.46
coalitions and alliances.
00:21:21.49\00:21:22.92
And they literally suffocate the
children so that the children
00:21:22.95\00:21:27.73
were used to strengthen
the structure, the core,
00:21:27.76\00:21:33.67
what you'd call the inner core
of the parents or the adults.
00:21:33.70\00:21:37.50
And the children
get over burdened.
00:21:37.53\00:21:39.09
They just can't handle it.
00:21:39.10\00:21:40.39
So there are
conflicts between the couple,
00:21:40.42\00:21:42.24
and mom goes
talk to the daughter
00:21:42.27\00:21:44.32
or dad goes to talk to
the daughter or the son,
00:21:44.35\00:21:46.49
and they disclose their pain
to the children, and they're
00:21:46.50\00:21:49.44
over burdened with the
issues between their parents.
00:21:49.45\00:21:52.32
And they love both parents,
they don't want to take sides.
00:21:52.35\00:21:55.83
And so the child
decides, "You know what?
00:21:55.84\00:21:57.67
I am out of here.
00:21:57.70\00:21:59.09
I am going to LA or I'm
going to Florida, wherever,
00:21:59.12\00:22:03.47
just to get away from
this because I've had enough
00:22:03.50\00:22:05.79
of these two people. "
00:22:05.82\00:22:06.87
Even though they love
them with all their hearts,
00:22:06.90\00:22:08.54
and they want to
still remain their child.
00:22:08.57\00:22:10.52
They just don't want to
deal with the emotional stuff.
00:22:10.55\00:22:12.50
Now parents, we're not
in any way suggesting that
00:22:12.53\00:22:15.68
if your child does choose
to go to a far away school,
00:22:15.71\00:22:18.99
that it's an escape from you.
00:22:19.02\00:22:21.71
That's not what
we're suggesting.
00:22:21.74\00:22:22.84
But we're saying, there is
the reality of what is called
00:22:22.87\00:22:25.52
"emotional cut off".
00:22:25.55\00:22:26.64
And sometimes children seek to
escape what's going on at home.
00:22:26.67\00:22:31.88
Now as we talk about emotional
cut off and children going away,
00:22:31.91\00:22:35.71
that should push
us into the next stage
00:22:35.74\00:22:38.64
of children migrating.
00:22:38.67\00:22:41.22
Because this is the stage
now where the parents are at
00:22:41.25\00:22:45.17
what we call
the mid-life crisis.
00:22:45.20\00:22:48.40
And this is an
important stage to look at.
00:22:48.41\00:22:52.04
It could begin even
earlier than mid-life,
00:22:53.14\00:22:56.70
but yes, it ushers into.
00:22:56.73\00:22:58.25
And so there are all kinds
of adjustments that's going on
00:22:58.26\00:23:00.92
in the family at this time.
00:23:00.95\00:23:02.32
The child is growing up,
they're getting to college age,
00:23:02.35\00:23:04.78
they're making their own
career choices and decisions.
00:23:04.81\00:23:07.12
But the parents are also
developing and they're going
00:23:07.15\00:23:10.56
through their own transitions.
00:23:10.59\00:23:11.64
Maybe career
changes, maybe they have to
00:23:11.67\00:23:15.03
downsize or
upgrade based on, you know,
00:23:15.06\00:23:17.49
their economic resources.
00:23:17.52\00:23:18.92
And their losing their stand
at that point in their life.
00:23:18.95\00:23:21.66
Likely to be either
having ailing parents or
00:23:21.69\00:23:24.69
losing their own parents.
00:23:24.72\00:23:25.91
So they're going through
their own emotional stuff.
00:23:25.94\00:23:28.04
And all these transitions
are occurring at the same time.
00:23:28.07\00:23:30.69
So parents need to be
aware and need to understand,
00:23:30.70\00:23:33.97
these are the stages
they have to anticipate
00:23:34.00\00:23:36.17
and begin to put things
in place to get ready for it
00:23:36.18\00:23:39.68
because it is coming.
00:23:39.71\00:23:41.16
But the danger is that those
transitions create conflicts.
00:23:41.19\00:23:45.78
And research has shown also
that during this period of time,
00:23:46.18\00:23:51.26
a lot of adulterous
relationships develop.
00:23:51.29\00:23:54.42
Because men are, some men
I should say, some men are
00:23:54.45\00:23:58.54
now on a quest to discover
their fountain of youth.
00:23:58.57\00:24:02.65
The wife is changing physically
and changing in other areas,
00:24:02.68\00:24:08.94
and they kind of want to
prove something to themselves
00:24:08.97\00:24:11.57
that they are still
able, they're still...
00:24:11.60\00:24:13.96
And they're on this quest.
00:24:13.97\00:24:16.52
It is, I think, what happens
normally for both men and woman,
00:24:17.03\00:24:20.77
that they go through physical
changes in their bodies.
00:24:20.78\00:24:23.39
They begin to slow down
where their libido is concerned,
00:24:23.42\00:24:26.71
or to be activated based
on their lifestyle and their
00:24:26.74\00:24:30.58
circumstances or
their health conditions.
00:24:30.61\00:24:32.58
And so, yes, those
changes are occurring.
00:24:32.61\00:24:34.45
And emotionally and
psychologically they
00:24:34.48\00:24:36.92
sometimes get into a crisis.
00:24:36.95\00:24:38.52
But it doesn't
have to be a crisis.
00:24:38.55\00:24:40.22
If they anticipate
it, they plan for it.
00:24:40.25\00:24:42.57
Your beautiful wife is not
always going to be as young
00:24:42.60\00:24:45.19
and pretty and attractive as she
was on the day you married her.
00:24:45.22\00:24:49.10
But she's still
you're beautiful wife.
00:24:49.13\00:24:50.50
You still have to
appreciate and admire her.
00:24:50.53\00:24:52.56
You're handsome
husband, even will change.
00:24:52.59\00:24:55.12
As much as he is, you
know, thinking he will be
00:24:55.15\00:24:58.34
perpetually young, the reality
is, he is not as attractive
00:24:58.37\00:25:01.41
as the day you
married him as well.
00:25:01.44\00:25:02.97
So both of you will have
to make the adjustment and
00:25:03.00\00:25:05.63
appreciate and value each other
for the core of who you are.
00:25:05.66\00:25:09.18
Again, not for the externals.
00:25:09.21\00:25:11.35
And there are some issues that
can come to play inside here
00:25:11.38\00:25:16.00
because when the
last child leaves home,
00:25:16.03\00:25:19.20
the emptiness syndrome, as
they often dub this period,
00:25:19.23\00:25:23.52
you can find
loneliness and sadness sets in.
00:25:23.55\00:25:27.82
As a matter of fact,
when the last child leaves,
00:25:27.85\00:25:30.94
there's a strong likelihood that
family could end up in divorce
00:25:30.97\00:25:35.90
because with issues,
they use to use their child
00:25:35.93\00:25:38.89
as their way of communicating.
00:25:38.92\00:25:40.92
And now they are...
00:25:40.95\00:25:42.00
They're face to face with
each other and conflicts emerge.
00:25:42.38\00:25:45.68
And that is why we encourage
parents, don't allow your,
00:25:45.71\00:25:49.02
don't just live in your family
or in your marriage relationship
00:25:49.05\00:25:52.61
for your children only.
00:25:52.64\00:25:54.30
You're a couple and
that relationship is critical
00:25:54.33\00:25:57.47
So while you take care of your
kids and you love your kids,
00:25:57.50\00:26:00.20
you also must bond with
each other, invest emotions
00:26:00.23\00:26:04.42
in each other, and relate
to each other with openness and
00:26:04.45\00:26:07.82
with clearly open communication.
00:26:07.85\00:26:10.33
So when your children
leave, you won't be strangers.
00:26:10.36\00:26:13.31
You will have
built this relationship,
00:26:13.34\00:26:15.01
you would have had
this bonding together,
00:26:15.04\00:26:16.77
and your lives will simply
move on to the next phase.
00:26:16.80\00:26:19.76
But if you didn't, your
children will flee the coop
00:26:19.79\00:26:22.48
and you will
literally be strangers.
00:26:22.51\00:26:24.07
And yes, you'll be searching
to find "what do I do next".
00:26:24.10\00:26:28.89
Now we come to the
final stage, retirement.
00:26:28.92\00:26:32.48
Old age and retirement.
00:26:32.51\00:26:34.83
Are you there yet?
00:26:35.06\00:26:36.85
Not at all.
00:26:37.25\00:26:38.24
Not at all.
00:26:39.51\00:26:40.57
But it is a reality.
00:26:40.58\00:26:42.47
People must plan for it because
the time is going to be coming
00:26:42.50\00:26:47.67
when you're going to retire.
00:26:47.70\00:26:49.31
You will grow old.
00:26:49.34\00:26:50.87
And sadly and unfortunately,
one day you will die.
00:26:50.90\00:26:55.47
You know, my friends, the worst
thing that could ever happen
00:26:55.50\00:27:00.50
to an individual is, after
they have lived their lives,
00:27:00.53\00:27:05.47
they have grown their children,
and they have done well and
00:27:05.50\00:27:09.68
have travelled the
world, and have everything,
00:27:09.69\00:27:12.21
when they get to the final
stage, their soul is not ready
00:27:12.24\00:27:16.74
to find Jesus Christ
and to die with the Lord.
00:27:16.77\00:27:20.31
It's like they hear the
words, "The harvest is past,
00:27:20.34\00:27:24.20
the summer is ended,
and you are not yet saved. "
00:27:24.21\00:27:27.86
I challenge you, as you
navigate your life and as you
00:27:27.89\00:27:31.29
live your life, after
the pomp and circumstance,
00:27:31.32\00:27:34.29
every stage, remember to
journey along with Jesus Christ.
00:27:34.32\00:27:38.91
Let Him be a part of your life.
00:27:38.94\00:27:40.64
When you get to the end
of it all, you want to hear
00:27:40.67\00:27:44.53
from your Master, "Well done
thou good and faithful servant.
00:27:44.56\00:27:49.25
Thou hast been
faithful over a few things,
00:27:49.28\00:27:51.65
I will make thee
ruler over many things.
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Enter thou into
the joy of thy Lord. "
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God bless you
and enjoy your life.
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