Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000076
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:34 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my dear wife, June Smith. 00:38 June is a professor at Long Island University 00:42 and I'm the Family Life Director for the 00:45 Greater New York Conference. 00:47 We have an important topic that we want to talk about today, 00:52 Talking to Your Child About Sex. 00:56 Now I must admit that this is not a topic that 00:59 parents too often get involved in, yet it's such a necessary 01:04 and important topic. 01:06 Why is this so? 01:08 I'm sure you'll agree that we live in a very sensual society 01:13 and that our young people are confronted with decisions 01:19 that they must make daily about what to do 01:24 as it relates to their sexuality. 01:26 We live in New York and frequently visit the schools, 01:30 but work dominantly with families that have children 01:35 who are involved sexually, who are sexually active 01:38 at very young ages, and parents who are unable to address 01:45 the issue because they don't know what to do. 01:47 They don't quite understand it themselves. 01:49 So we're going to try and see if we can help you. 01:53 First, we want to break it down and we're going to look at 01:56 different age categories and help you to understand 02:01 what's going on in a child's mind as it relates to 02:04 the child's sexuality. 02:06 Let's start from the very beginning, 18 months to 3 years. 02:10 What's happening at this stage? 02:11 It's important that we start here because sexuality 02:15 doesn't begin when the child gets to be the adolescent and 02:20 begins to confront those issues. 02:21 The moment of birth, even, the child in the first few 02:26 years of life begins to have certain needs; 02:30 the need to be cuddled, the need to be touched. 02:33 This whole attachment that eventually leads to 02:37 intimacy in the adult years or young adult years 02:42 begins at this stage. 02:43 So that if this relationship with the caregiver, 02:48 predominately the parents, are not establishing a healthy way, 02:51 it will affect the way the child's sexuality is 02:55 acted out in the long run. 02:57 So at the first, I would say 3 years of life, the bonding, 03:01 the attachment, the cuddling, you know, all of that nurturance 03:05 is so important in securing the child. 03:09 Isn't this the time, the stage too, when they give attention 03:13 to genitalia... 03:17 I always have some tongue tie on that one. 03:20 ...and self pleasing? 03:21 The child is curious at that point, and as they get older 03:25 going into 3 or 4 years, and they begin to recognize 03:29 that their genitalia is what it is. 03:32 And sometimes they are curious and they will ask questions 03:35 about their body parts. 03:38 Yes, it is very normal. 03:39 You know, parents, when this is happening, 03:42 please don't get flustered and frightened. 03:44 This is a normal progression of the development of the child. 03:47 Well, let's look at 3 year olds and 4 year olds. 03:52 Because this is the age of curiosity now. 03:56 They become curious, as you said. 03:57 They begin to further explore their body parts. 04:00 They begin to touch themselves. 04:02 They begin to want to know where babies came from even. 04:06 And these are just age appropriate conversations 04:09 that parents should have. 04:11 That parents should explain to them that this is where, 04:15 you know, that babies come from mommy and daddy. 04:17 You don't have to tell them more than that. 04:19 When they get older then you can progress with more information. 04:22 You know, it's strange, I remember when I was 04:27 a kid way back, I don't remember what age but I was young. 04:31 And I did ask my mom that question, but you don't 04:34 want to hear the answer she gave me. 04:35 She told me I came by plane, a plane dropped me off. 04:39 Now we have long passed that age and what we're saying to parents 04:45 is that, be honest, be truthful, be upfront. 04:50 Just be age appropriate how you carry on this discussion. 04:54 Now as a child gets older, say in going to 5 and 6, 04:58 they begin to model adult behavior. 05:02 So it's not unusual to find them playing house. 05:05 Playing, you know, the boy acting dad. 05:07 And if it's just two sisters or more, one will be the father 05:10 and the other will be the mother. 05:11 And the whole idea is, they see these role distinctions 05:15 and they begin to play this out in their relationship. 05:18 And that's the stage where you observe to see whether they're 05:22 interpretation of the roles are even clear. 05:24 And you might use it as a teachable moment. 05:28 And you do have gender socialization here 05:31 and gender identity. 05:33 Because girls stay with girls and boys with boys. 05:39 And the girls don't want the boys to come over, 05:41 and the boys, you know, it's like "whoa". 05:44 It's amazing how the next stage, though, is played out 05:48 where the direct opposite happens. 05:51 At that stage, by the time the child gets to be about 05:53 8 or 9 years old, now they begin to be a little more sensitive 05:58 or there's an affinity between boys and girls 06:02 and they begin to notice that they like to be in the presence. 06:06 Cross gender socialization is taking place at that stage. 06:10 And they become more self conscious. 06:13 How they dress, how they appear. 06:15 And don't you see also at this stage they want some, 06:20 kind of to be exclusive, privacy, in getting dressed 06:24 and things like that? 06:25 That is very normal. And rightly so. 06:28 Now we move on because the child is growing up. 06:32 And I'm sure as you are listening, we're going to 06:35 touch at one stage or another, if you have children, 06:37 where your children are. 06:39 The 10 to the 12 year olds, now these individuals, 06:43 this is where puberty begins. 06:46 The age of discovery now. 06:48 At this stage, it is where, yes, menarche for girls begins 06:53 and boys begin to have nocturnal emissions, etc. 06:57 And what tends to happen at that stage is, it is critical 07:01 that the parent prepares a child for this 07:03 so they don't get there and wonder, "Oh my goodness, 07:05 what's happening here?" 07:06 The little girl should know, this is what's going to happen 07:09 and this is what you do when it happens. 07:11 And the little boy should know, or the young man should know, 07:13 this is what's going to happen soon. 07:15 So there should be no discovery, you're saying, at this stage. 07:20 There should be no surprises. 07:21 Or surprises. 07:22 The parents should prepare their children. 07:24 But what if I'm uncomfortable, you know. 07:30 Because you have to understand, you have different parents. 07:33 Some of them are young parents, teenage parents, whatever it is. 07:38 But what if I'm uncomfortable myself to talk to my child? 07:42 Can I make an excuse to say, "Well, I'm better off 07:46 not saying anything than not to say the right thing. " 07:49 If you're uncomfortable talking to your child about 07:51 their sexuality, then you might want to give the child a book 07:55 that they can read that explains it well. 07:57 Or you might want to have somebody else speak with 08:01 the child, maybe your sister or an uncle or an aunt. 08:05 Somebody who is an appropriate person who should explain 08:08 to the child what is likely to happen. 08:10 But we want to give a word of caution here. 08:15 Personally, we don't like when parents give up 08:18 their parental role. 08:20 We would prefer if you would go read a book, if you go ask 08:23 some questions, practice in the basement, practice on a chair, 08:27 practice when you're alone in the bedroom, 08:29 what to say, how to say it. 08:31 And then come and talk to your children. 08:33 We really don't like when you have to give up your 08:35 parental role because that's your job. 08:37 That's what you're to do. 08:38 But we're saying, the least of the two options would be then 08:43 to get help from a family member. 08:45 But be very careful who that family member is. 08:48 Someone that you can really, really trust and there won't be 08:52 any repercussions afterwards. 08:54 Yes, because as we know, the world is not a safe place. 08:56 And sometimes we place our children in very vulnerable 09:00 positions when we negate our our role and somebody 09:04 else fills that in. 09:05 And sometimes children get exploited in the process. 09:08 Well, now we come to the challenging age group 09:13 where you reach 13 years of age and beyond. 09:17 This is the age where quite a lot of physical changes 09:20 are taking place now with the boys and with the girls. 09:24 Let's talk with the boys first and the physical changes 09:26 that are taking place and how they feel and how they act. 09:29 Because you'll agree, this is a challenging period 09:32 for the parent now. 09:33 This is usually the difficult point. 09:36 You know, that are lots of other dimensions that we could 09:39 mention, but we don't want to make this too academic. 09:41 So just to keep it simple, the adolescent phase of development 09:46 is where some people describe as the crisis years. 09:50 And that tends to create conflicts in families 09:54 because the little person is shedding the child years 09:59 and now emerging into this new phase of their development. 10:02 And at the same time psychologically and emotionally 10:04 that is happening, there are physical changes occurring. 10:08 And they don't quite understand that. 10:10 So they get caught between being a child and 10:12 being treated like a child, but at the same time 10:14 being expected to be more mature. 10:17 And that creates a lot of trauma sometimes 10:20 for the young adolescent. 10:22 And the girls now, they now start seeing some physical signs 10:27 and they start feeling like a woman. 10:30 And they sometimes have a change in attitude. 10:33 But for the parent, don't parents have to also 10:38 grow and gradualize rules and boundaries, and make them 10:44 age appropriate so that what you require of your, say 7 year old 10:48 or 8 or 9 year old, now you have a teenager, you have to 10:53 change those rules and make them still age appropriate. 10:56 Yeah, the rules have to be age appropriate, 10:57 and at all stages of the child's development. 11:00 But you also want to know that sexuality is not 11:02 something that is silent. 11:04 You're constantly coming into your sense of who you are. 11:07 And the values you have been taught within the way you 11:10 socialize around, being comfortable with your body and 11:12 being comfortable with your own sense of self and who you are, 11:16 will weigh heavily on how you perform, how you behave 11:19 in an intimate relationship. 11:21 And parents must understand that at this stage now, 11:25 to some extent, they're loosing some control because 11:29 peer pressure is taking over. 11:31 And they will find that their children are leaning more 11:34 towards their friends and are listening more to their friends 11:38 than to them. 11:39 And sometimes that creates dissidence. 11:41 There is a difficult state that occurs where the parent 11:45 is losing power, and at the same time, 11:48 the child needs the parent. 11:50 So there's this dual relationship that exists. 11:53 But the child is still a child and you still 11:56 need to be the parent. 11:57 So although they act like they're grown up and they 11:59 know so much, they really don't. 12:01 They're only 14 or 15, or even 18. 12:03 And you want to give them information, you want to 12:06 parent them, provide the resources that they need 12:08 to gradualize and grow into this young adult 12:11 where they're heading. 12:13 And make sure you model appropriate behavior. 12:15 And this is the stage when a teenager has an increased 12:20 interest in intimacy. 12:21 So that parents should not surrender their right 12:26 to talk to their child about sexuality. 12:29 Because at this stage now, they want more, 12:31 they want to hear more, and their friends are providing, 12:35 sometimes, inappropriate information. 12:36 The reality is that the adolescent age, the adolescent 12:40 is not necessarily talking to the parent. 12:42 So hopefully, the parent did the job before, 12:44 where the child understands what's about to happen 12:46 and where they're heading. 12:47 So they are now able to make right choices and good judgment. 12:51 We're talking about talking to your child about sex. 12:56 We have a lot more coming up. 12:58 We want to share with you some sexual myths, 13:01 and most of all, what can parents do. 13:04 If you feel incapable, if you're not able to handle it, 13:08 or you're having problems, what can you do? 13:10 We're going to go into those areas in our second part. 13:13 We want you to be with us. 13:14 We have some exciting things coming up. 13:16 You will love it. 13:17 Thank you for watching and remember, part two is coming up. 13:20 Don't go away, stay right there because we'll be right back. 13:24 We'll be back. 13:33 There are many "How To" book available, 13:35 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:38 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:40 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:45 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:47 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:50 and everyone in between. 13:52 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:05 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:08 Alanzo and I have been talking about, how do you talk 14:12 to your child about sexuality. 14:14 Well, we have shared some of the issues relating to the 14:19 child at each stage of the development of the child. 14:23 Now I have some sexual myths that I want to share with you 14:28 and get your reaction on it. 14:30 The first one says, sex education and sexual knowledge 14:35 increases sexual activity. 14:38 That's actually a myth. 14:39 If you talk to your child about sex, that's not going to 14:43 drive your child to have sex. 14:45 What you are trying to do is to prepare your child, 14:48 to help them to understand; what is sex, 14:51 that sex is a gift from God, that sex is designed 14:55 for marriage, and that the child understands 14:59 that they are a sexual being, the they have urges and 15:03 hormones that will create certain responses 15:06 and certain feelings, and that they should 15:08 be prepared to handle this. 15:09 So like everything else in the child's development, 15:12 you want to inoculate this child with information 15:15 so that they can behave appropriately. 15:19 Okay, here's another one. 15:20 If you tell your child too much about sexual issues, 15:25 they will become confused and they will get upset. 15:30 Now again, if your child is younger than an adolescent, 15:35 you want to speak to them according to their age. 15:40 So you don't want to give them more information 15:42 than they can conceptualize and that they can understand. 15:45 So if they ask questions, use it as a teachable moment. 15:48 Don't tell them, "You shouldn't be asking that. " 15:51 Or don't tell them, you know, this is inappropriate. 15:54 Now if the child says something that is clearly promiscuous, 15:57 you should use it as a cue, because if your child is 16:02 young and they're talking about sexual explicit information, 16:06 it is a sign that this child could be exposed 16:10 to harmful material like pornography, 16:13 or maybe even being molested. 16:14 So you want to be alert to some of those cue's. 16:18 But if your child is innocently asking you about, 16:21 you know, where babies come from or what their genitals are, 16:24 etcetera, use appropriate language and explain to them 16:27 in very simple terms, babies come from mommy and daddy. 16:31 And when they're older, you can tell them more. 16:34 And as they go to school, they will learn about biology 16:36 and how their bodies work. 16:37 And it will all come together. 16:39 June, I hear you saying that and I'm in agreement with you. 16:43 But there are some of our listeners out there who feel, 16:48 honestly feel that they should wait until their child 16:53 comes to them, then they will tell them. 16:56 Well, you might think that but the reality is 17:01 sometimes your child will not come to you. 17:03 And what that does is it predisposes them to get 17:07 information from inappropriate sources. 17:10 Because they are going to come up on sexual information or 17:13 information about sex whether it is from the media, 17:17 or it is from their friends, or other places. 17:20 So you want to make sure that they have the right information. 17:23 And you, therefore, want to have the discussion 17:27 at the different stages of their development 17:29 so they can be prepared. 17:30 For example, as a girl is coming into menarche, 17:32 you don't want to wait until she starts to have her period 17:35 to say this is what's going to happen. 17:36 She should know what is going to happen, 17:38 how her body works, because she's able to 17:40 understand that at that stage. 17:42 But that's not a conversation you'd have with a 4 year old. 17:46 Now I'm a parent and I didn't study or take any course on 17:53 sexual education and anything like that. 17:56 So I don't have all the answers, at least I don't think 18:01 I have all the answers. 18:02 But I feel that I should have all the answers 18:07 before I'm in a position to be able to speak to my child 18:12 and to answer those questions. 18:13 Is that a myth that I believe I should have all the answers 18:16 before I can touch this topic? 18:19 In the first place, no one has all the answers. 18:21 But you don't have to wait until you think you know 18:25 what you need to know in order to speak with your child. 18:28 In other words, you should educate yourself. 18:32 Read as much as you can, talk to people who you 18:35 think might know more. 18:36 But become knowledgeable about the conversations 18:38 that you should have with your son and with your daughter. 18:41 Because they do need to hear mom and dad talk about... 18:44 And it shouldn't be just coming from mom. 18:46 It should also be coming from dad. 18:47 Mom's can't prepare boys to be men. 18:50 And nor father's prepare girls to be women. 18:55 Sometimes they have to do their best based on the circumstances. 18:59 But that's why God gave us two parents, and each one 19:02 has a specific role to play. 19:04 And we're talking about the rule rather than the exception. 19:08 Okay, parents, I have to commend those of you who are 19:14 doing a good job in talking to your children about 19:18 sexual activities and their sexuality. 19:21 It's important, it's vital. 19:23 As Christians, that's part of your Christian obligation. 19:26 And so I commend those of you who are doing it. 19:29 But I'm cognizant of the fact, as a clinician dealing with 19:32 parents and children, I am aware of the fact that 19:35 some parents are not doing it, some parents are 19:38 intimidated, are afraid. 19:40 So we would like to talk now to you, those parents who 19:43 are not doing it or are afraid of doing it. 19:48 What can you do? What can parents do? 19:51 And the first thing we want to say to you is, don't panic. 19:55 Stay calm, stay cool. Be in control of yourself. 20:00 And just talk to your child naturally. 20:03 And don't act as if this is a crisis or this is some 20:06 hidden secret or some mystery that you have to... 20:09 No, be calm in talking to your child about their sexuality. 20:13 But in staying calm, remember to be age appropriate. 20:19 That's important. 20:20 It is also important to start early. 20:23 Start to have your child understand what is 20:28 appropriate behavior at each stage of their development. 20:31 So you teach them how to protect themselves against 20:35 unwanted touches. 20:36 Anything that makes them uncomfortable should be 20:39 something that they should report to you. 20:40 You teach them the appropriate language 20:43 to describe their genitalia, for example. 20:45 So the child understands, this is a natural normal part of 20:48 my anatomy, and it's okay. 20:50 I can talk about it. 20:51 So you should have these conversations ongoing 20:55 and continuously so the child knows, this is a normal thing 20:58 I can talk to my parents about. 20:59 And as they get older, they won't be intimidated 21:02 to come with more complicated questions. 21:04 And you know, as you said that, parents should be 21:08 in touch with their own sexuality. 21:11 Because if they're uncomfortable with the word sex, 21:15 if they're uncomfortable with talking about the issue, 21:18 and sometimes it's because of how they were socialized 21:21 that creates this level of discomfort, 21:24 if they are uncomfortable, then it makes it more difficult 21:28 for them to talk to their children. 21:29 So we're saying, parents, that you have to get in touch 21:32 with your true self and be comfortable 21:35 with your own sexuality. 21:36 And that indicates that you should have appropriate display 21:40 of sexual behavior. 21:43 For example, a child should observe their parents 21:47 holding hands or hugging each other or kissing each other 21:51 in a way that is appropriate. 21:53 So the child knows this is a normal thing that happens 21:56 between intimate partners and that it's okay to see 21:59 mom and dad hugging. 22:01 Of course, you should have boundaries 22:04 and there should be very clear limits on the disclosure 22:09 and exposure to sexually explicit behavior or material. 22:13 So tied to what June is saying, parents, is that you should 22:18 establish appropriate intimate boundaries. 22:23 There comes a time when a father and daughter 22:28 should not be in the same room dressing 22:32 or in the bathroom doing things together. 22:36 There comes a time when you have to be appropriate 22:39 in your relationship with your child. 22:41 The fact that it is your child, you should still 22:44 create boundaries. 22:46 And it's not appropriate that mothers should be having a 22:51 shower with her son beyond a childhood stage. 22:55 There comes a time when that shouldn't happen. 22:58 Or sleeping with the child. 23:00 These are just things that, you know, create situations 23:05 that could lead to other kinds of inappropriate behavior. 23:09 So you want to start it early. 23:10 Get the child in a separate space so they know 23:13 that they have their own space and if anyone else should 23:16 intrude on them, then they know to report it to their parents. 23:20 You should also establish appropriate boundaries. 23:24 We're having difficulty with children being molested. 23:29 Most times, they're molested by some significant other, 23:34 someone they know. 23:35 Sometimes, someone right there in the family. 23:38 So parents, you have to be on guard. 23:40 It is your right and your responsibility to create 23:46 the protection that is necessary for your child. 23:49 So you must have adequate supervision for your child 23:53 at all times. 23:54 Many children are left to the media. 23:57 They are left after school by themselves. 24:00 They watch inappropriate material, whether it is on 24:04 HBO or wherever they get this information. 24:07 And so parents must be vigilant in screening the access to, 24:12 whether the computer or the television, so that your child 24:16 is not taking in some of that filth that exist on 24:21 some of these media. 24:22 It is just a very sad thing to know that there's so many 24:26 predators, sexual predators, that are available right there 24:30 in your house through the computer. 24:32 And if you're not aware of that as parents, it could be like 24:36 you're throwing your child into the streets 24:38 or into a night club some place. 24:40 So parents really have to work overtime to make sure that 24:44 they're safeguarding their children against malice evil. 24:47 I have this question that I want to ask you. 24:50 And I'm sure my listeners would be interested in the answer. 24:54 Should there be sexual secrets between a parent and a child? 25:01 There should be no secrets between a parent and a child. 25:06 If a parent were to touch a child in their private parts 25:10 and say, this is a secret between mommy and her son, 25:14 or daddy and his daughter, that is not acceptable. 25:17 And if you're a child and you're being touched 25:20 or being molested in any way by your parents 25:22 or anyone else, that is not right. 25:26 That is not acceptable and you need to tell somebody. 25:30 Tell your pastor, tell your teacher, 25:33 your counselor, someone. 25:34 But no one should be touching you in your private parts. 25:38 And parents, this is what you're to say to your children. 25:42 You're to let them know that they are to have no 25:45 sexual secrets between you and them. 25:48 When someone says to them, "Okay, we're going to have this 25:51 secret between us and we're going to do this," 25:53 and they given them cookies and what have you, 25:55 take them places, tell your children, get it in their head, 26:00 everything you must tell your daddy, 26:03 everything you must tell your mommy. 26:04 There should be no secrets. 26:07 Drill that in them so that they know, if anything happens, 26:12 God forbid, we don't want anything to happen to 26:14 your children, but God forbid, if something should happen, 26:17 they must know that they are to come to you. 26:19 I think another important thing is that it is still okay 26:22 to teach your child to abstain from sex before marriage. 26:26 While it is true that a large percentage of young people, 26:30 in fact now, it says it begins in the younger grades, 26:34 it's not unusual to have 7th and 8th graders 26:37 start becoming sexually active. 26:39 You may not necessarily have intercourse occurring, 26:41 but you have all of this other abnormal behavior, 26:44 whether it is oral sex or anal sex or some of these 26:46 perverted things happening. 26:48 Young people, Christ expects you to keep your 26:52 bodies as His temple. 26:53 And you might be going to school where your peers 26:56 have an open market where these things are happening. 26:58 It is not right. 27:00 And if that's going on in your world, in your life, 27:03 you really need to talk to somebody about it. 27:05 So we just can't emphasize enough how important 27:09 it is to teach your child that it is okay to be a virgin 27:14 and to remain pure, and to stay faithful to God 27:18 until you're married. 27:20 Parents, re-enforce Biblical teachings, Biblical principles, 27:26 in your children and live those Biblical principles 27:30 that they can see. 27:31 Let them know that Timothy says, "flee youthful lusts," 27:36 that Paul says they're to abstain from fornication. 27:40 And the Bible clearly states the body is not for fornication. 27:44 We have to go back to the basics. 27:45 We have to go back to the word of God. 27:47 It is your duty to teach your child about their sexuality. 27:51 But also put it in a spiritual context. 27:54 That's what God wants you to do. 27:56 Happy parenting. 27:58 May God bless you; you and your family, and your children. |
Revised 2014-12-17