Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000075
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June. 00:38 June and I have been working with families for many years. 00:42 We're both licensed Marriage and Family Therapists 00:45 and licensed Mental Health Counselors. 00:48 And today we're going to talk about, When Love is Not Enough. 00:55 That sounds kind of strange, when love is not enough. 00:58 I thought love should cover everything. 01:01 I think many people think that. 01:03 They think that, "Once I'm in love, then that's 01:05 all that matters. " 01:06 But the more we work with people and with families especially, 01:10 is the more we recognize that love is not enough. 01:13 Let's chronicle the story of Sampson. 01:17 Because the story tells us that Sampson went down to Timnath 01:22 and he saw a daughter of the Philistines. 01:25 And he came back to his mother and his father and he said, 01:28 "This is the woman I want. " 01:30 So the parents said, "Why would do that? 01:32 Can't you find a woman of your own ethnicity, 01:37 most of all your own faith?" 01:39 And Sampson's response to his mother was, 01:43 "Get her for me, for she pleaseth me well. " 01:48 Now would you say that's narcissistic on Sampson's part? 01:53 I think that Sampson wanted what he saw in this woman 01:58 and was not about to be influenced by his parents 02:01 or anyone else. 02:02 And I find that is so parallel to many of our young people and 02:08 the way they make choices in the way they select their mates. 02:12 So they tend to say, "It's all about who I see 02:16 and what I love, and that's enough. " 02:20 Is love ever enough? 02:22 The irony is that sometimes what they're experiencing 02:25 really isn't even love. 02:27 They're infatuated with this person's beauty 02:30 or the person's talent, or something that, you know, 02:33 cue's them into this person. 02:35 But really, they have not grown to love or know 02:39 much about the person. 02:41 How do you love somebody you really don't know much about 02:43 and/or make a decision to live permanently in a relationship 02:47 with someone you really don't know. 02:49 So it's not enough to just be attached or 02:51 attracted to somebody. 02:52 You really need a lot more than that before you 02:55 make a mate selection. 02:58 Sampson's life was filled with paradox. 03:04 Sampson was suppose to abstain, yet he indulged. 03:09 Sampson was suppose to be the judge and champion of Israel, 03:13 yet he ended up in a dungeon. 03:16 As a matter of fact, his name "Sampson" means 03:18 "the strong one. " 03:20 So Sampson was suppose to be strong, yet he was a weak man. 03:25 Weak in integrity, weak in moral goodness. 03:30 That's a paradox. 03:32 You see such diversity in his life. 03:37 Looking at life today, do we have similarities? 03:42 I think that as I work with and talk with young people, I find 03:48 very clear paradox between the way they make selections 03:52 and the way Sampson operated. 03:55 Many of them refuse counsel from their elders, 04:00 from their parents. 04:01 In fact, I have found recently that there are so many 04:03 young people who say they're in love, that they're in conflict 04:07 with their parents while they're in love with their lover 04:11 or the person that they perceive to be their lover. 04:13 And the parents are traumatized because they see 04:16 that their child is about to plunge themselves 04:19 into a relationship that's not good for them. 04:23 Because the basic criteria that they have established 04:27 for selecting a wholesome partner just isn't there. 04:31 But the young people aren't able to see that for some reason. 04:35 They just make poor judgments, many of them. 04:38 Now many of them are doing the right thing. 04:40 But too many, and for me, one young person who makes 04:44 the wrong choice and ends up on the wrong side of the track, 04:47 is one too many. 04:49 We're talking about when love is not enough. 04:53 It has to do with mate selection. 04:55 And we're looking at the life of Sampson and seeing how we 04:59 can find parallels in everyday mate selections these days. 05:04 Now Sampson made some foolish mistakes. 05:08 And I'm going to highlight each of these mistakes. 05:10 And what I'd like you to do for me is see if you can find, 05:14 in your practice as you work with young people and 05:16 as you negotiate the lives of people, see if you can find 05:20 and share with me similarities, or what is the same. 05:22 For example, Sampson was selfish. 05:25 Sampson said to his parents, when the parents were trying 05:27 to rationalize with him, to show him why he should not select 05:31 this woman, "You should at least find somebody of your faith," 05:36 the only argument Sampson had was, "She pleaseth me well. " 05:41 That's a very common thing that happens in the relationships 05:45 that I see young people engage in these days. 05:47 I spoke to a young woman who was in conflict with her own parents 05:52 because she was determined that the person she was in love with 05:56 would be her life partner, her husband, 05:59 and her parents were just saddened by her choice. 06:01 And one, the person did not share her faith. 06:05 And not only did he not share her faith, but he had practices 06:09 that were self destructive. 06:11 He used marijuana, he, you know, drank alcohol. 06:17 He was just doing things that the parents know would not 06:20 be wholesome for her as the father of her child 06:24 or even her husband. 06:25 But this young woman saw what she perceived to be love 06:28 and was head bent on going into this relationship. 06:31 And unfortunately, she did make that decision 06:34 and she married this young man. 06:36 And believe it or not, eight months into the relationship, 06:39 she was in counseling. 06:41 Young people, why do you keep making the same mistake 06:45 over and over again? 06:48 Why is it that you think that love is all you need; 06:52 as long as you're in love, that is it? 06:54 Why do you keep selecting individuals that you can 06:58 see clearly, because of the choices they make and 07:01 the lifestyle they have, that you're going to have problems. 07:05 Why do you have to learn, why can't you learn 07:09 from the mistakes of others? 07:10 Why do you have to go and make the same mistakes 07:13 and then you learn from it? 07:14 We're saying today, love is not all, love is not enough. 07:18 There are other ingredients that you have to put in it. 07:21 We have to explain this clearly to our listeners. 07:24 When we say love is not enough, we are using this phrase 07:29 in the context of mate selection. 07:33 Please bear that in mind. 07:34 Now not only was Sampson foolish, but Sampson made 07:41 the same mistakes three times. 07:44 If you read Judges carefully, you'll see that three times 07:47 Sampson selected a partner, and on each occasion it turns out 07:53 to be the wrong partner. 07:55 I use to say this, June. 07:56 As a matter of fact, I say to young men, 07:58 if the first time you select a partner, you select a 08:02 young lady and it turns out to be a bad choice. 08:04 And the second time you select a young lady, 08:07 it turns out to be a bad choice. 08:09 And the third time you select a young lady, 08:11 it turns out to be a bad choice, the problem is with you. 08:15 You are the problem. 08:16 You are the one who just doesn't know how to make good choices. 08:20 You see, sometimes young people are only looking 08:21 at the externals. 08:23 Sampson clearly had violated the principles that he grew up with 08:28 and ended up, as we see how his life ended. 08:32 But this is happening still with our young people. 08:35 And that's a sad commentary. 08:37 Young people, for some reason, think they know it all. 08:42 And they are resistant to their parents or to anyone else 08:46 trying to explain to them what the dangers are and what the 08:50 flags are, and hopefully will provide counsel for them. 08:54 They just think that what they see is how it is, 08:57 and that's what they want to do. 08:58 Sampson was defiant, also. 09:00 We spoke sometime ago about defiance. 09:04 And we see a level of defiance in Sampson 09:07 because Sampson didn't care. 09:09 He didn't care about spiritual values, 09:11 he didn't care about moral or social values. 09:14 He just wanted this woman for himself. 09:17 He was defiant, and he was defiant to his parents. 09:21 Some of you listening to us right now 09:23 are demonstrating that level of defiance. 09:27 And if you look at Sampson, it landed him in a dungeon. 09:30 The same will happen to you. 09:33 You cannot make bad choices, you can't be defiant 09:36 against principles and expect to have good outcome. 09:40 Well that's the irony; that they expect that it's going to 09:43 work out, because they know that they're in love 09:46 and that's all that matters. 09:47 And when the adult says, you have to watch out for 09:51 these other traits, it really doesn't comply unfortunately. 09:54 We should emphasize also that Sampson defied 09:58 Biblical teachings. 10:02 He did not follow Biblical teachings. 10:05 Isn't that saying something to people in selecting a mate? 10:09 God didn't just leave us to fumble. 10:11 He gave us direction, He gave us instruction. 10:13 And He said, one, we should avoid relating and selecting 10:20 a mate who does not have shared values. 10:24 And when we defy those principles, we're likely to... 10:29 Because it's hard enough to build a relationship, 10:31 a healthy relationship, with an individual who even 10:34 shares your values. 10:35 So you have added challenges when you 10:39 don't share your values. 10:40 And one should not compromise values, moral values and 10:44 spiritual values, in order to form a relationship. 10:47 You see, I think, Alanzo, part of the problem is 10:49 when young people think they're in love, 10:50 they only think about the moment. 10:52 They don't necessarily see the large picture. 10:54 So they're seeing the lover. 10:56 They don't see the husband, the father. 10:59 What kind of wife is this girl going to be, 11:02 or what kind of mother is this girl going to be? 11:04 Will she instill the values that I grew up with 11:08 in my child, or the values that I think are 11:10 important in my child? 11:11 They don't think that far. 11:12 They only really think about how they feel right now. 11:16 That's why we say, love is not enough. 11:18 Well, we keep saying young people, 11:21 unfortunately but it's true, adults make that same mistake. 11:26 Sometimes in their second marriages, we talked about 11:29 blended marriages, in their second marriage. 11:31 And sometimes older individuals, they're marrying 11:34 at an older age. 11:35 And you would think that their head would be on their body 11:38 and they would be thinking clearly. 11:39 And it's amazing how you'd see someone who you believe 11:43 they have it all put together, and they make the same 11:46 mistakes like a teenager. 11:47 And you say, "Where's this coming from?" 11:48 We talk about problems in marriages and we talk about 11:51 so many marriages now ending up in a divorce. 11:55 But I think part of the problem stems with how 11:59 the relationship started. 12:00 So if you pick the wrong person, or the person who doesn't fit 12:05 the criteria that's established for a healthy marriage. 12:09 For example, if you pick somebody who doesn't have 12:11 shared interests, doesn't have shared values, 12:12 who is certainly not heading in the same direction you're going, 12:17 you're not likely to end up in a good place. 12:20 And so when the marriage falls apart, we say, 12:23 "Oh Lord, how did you make this happen?" 12:24 But then the Lord told us in the first place, 12:26 don't do certain things. 12:29 We're talking about mate selection; 12:31 when love is not enough. 12:33 And there are many of you out there who think you're in love 12:37 and you feel that all that matters is that we are in love. 12:40 There are times we see young people elope, and they go 12:43 and they get married, then they come back and they tell their 12:46 parents, only to find themselves in trouble afterwards. 12:50 There are time when older ones, older individuals, 12:53 make decisions that are incompatible to their 12:57 Christian faith, their Christian beliefs, and what their parents 13:00 and friends and others are saying because they say 13:03 they are in love. 13:04 We're saying love is not enough. 13:07 Sampson made that mistake. 13:08 He thought love was enough. 13:09 We saw the end result of him. 13:11 When we come back, we're going to talk about 13:14 the Delilah syndrome. 13:15 We're going to share some things about Delilah. 13:17 And not only that now, we're going to say, 13:19 how do you go about your mate selection. 13:23 That's important. 13:24 We want to give you some tips on how to select a good mate. 13:27 Well, we'll be right back. Stay right there. 13:37 There are many "How To" books available, 13:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:42 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:44 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:48 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:51 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:54 and everyone in between. 13:56 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:09 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:12 Alanzo and I have been talking about, when love is not enough. 14:18 Well, we agree that love is not enough when it 14:22 comes to mate selection. 14:24 We spoke at length about Sampson and the mistake he made 14:29 into thinking that love was enough and what that got him. 14:32 We want to look at Delilah. 14:34 Because Delilah was a very beautiful, 14:37 a very attractive woman. 14:40 And often times, that's how men are swept off their feet. 14:45 That's how men make mistakes because they look for beauty. 14:49 But is there anything wrong in looking for beauty? 14:52 I married a beautiful woman. 14:53 Thank you. 14:55 I think that beauty is what get's you in the door, 14:57 to a large extent. 14:58 Because let's face it, the externals are important. 15:01 And you're not necessarily going to be attracted to somebody 15:03 that you're not attracted to. 15:04 So beauty plays some part in the process. 15:07 But it's not enough. 15:08 It shouldn't be, at least, external beauty only. 15:12 Because there have been many philosophers who say, 15:16 beauty is not just on the outside. 15:18 Beauty is vain, the Bible says. 15:19 Beauty can be vain. 15:21 That's what the Bible says, beauty is vain. 15:22 So let's talk about the external now. 15:25 We're talking about mate selection and mate formation, 15:31 and we're saying, the danger of the external. 15:35 Because beauty can be vain, beauty is deceptive. 15:41 In other words, if you're looking on just the individual 15:46 and the external, you might be deceived. 15:49 Because what you see and what you think you're seeing 15:53 might not be what you're getting. 15:55 There's a statement that says, 15:57 "Not all that glitters is gold. " 16:00 So people who are attracted to just the externals 16:04 might go into a relationship, get settled and realize, 16:07 "Wow, your character traits are not as beautiful 16:11 as your physical traits. " 16:12 And beauty can also be controlling. 16:16 Because Delilah was a beautiful women, 16:18 but she controlled Sampson. 16:20 Everything she wanted from Sampson, she got. 16:24 It's like she led him like a puppet on a string. 16:27 So while you're caught up in the ecstasy of the beauty 16:31 of this woman, remember that you might be walking into 16:34 one of the most controlling relationships. 16:38 Delilah was considered a cunning woman. 16:43 Does that still happen in relationships? 16:47 Ahhh... 16:48 It happens so often, ever so often. 16:51 You see, Delilah knew what she wanted 16:56 and she knew how to get it. 16:59 When a woman sits down and summarizes a situation, 17:04 they see that man, he's married, and she says to herself, 17:09 "I want him. 17:10 I don't care if he's married or not, I want him. " 17:13 And all she does now is to sit down and calculatedly 17:18 lay a trap or devise a plan, how to get him. 17:23 And if that man, if his spiritual reservoir 17:26 is not filled up, if he's not on his guard, 17:28 before he knows it, he can be swept off his feet. 17:32 And I think the same is true for a woman. 17:34 I think there are men who will target women who are vulnerable. 17:38 And without much preplanning, a woman who has not 17:44 inoculated herself with strong values and who has calculated 17:49 what her mission in life is and has her principles established, 17:53 could also be vulnerable to somebody who is cunning. 17:56 So either way, it is not a good thing to fall prey 18:00 to a cunning person. 18:02 And a cunning woman is competitive. 18:05 They will enter any competition to get what they want. 18:08 They will compete with anyone, any person. 18:12 It doesn't bother them. 18:14 The end result is that they get what they want. 18:18 It's a tendency that is within an individual 18:24 that is selfish, that is driven by self, and driven by greed. 18:28 And the person doesn't care about the 18:30 feelings of anyone else. 18:31 It doesn't matter who they hurt as long as 18:32 they get what they want. 18:34 So we could say that Delilah was a risk taker, 18:37 which is also one characteristic of somebody who is cunning. 18:41 They're not afraid to take risks. 18:43 They will risk even their own safety to get what they want. 18:48 Now for those people who are not married and those 18:50 individuals who are in relationships, 18:53 are they stuck? 18:54 Must they fall in the Sampson trap or the Delilah trap? 18:59 How can an individual avoid Sampson's mistake? 19:05 I would say that one of the first things they do need to do 19:07 is to listen to counsel. 19:10 Seek counsel? 19:12 To be willing to hear what they may not want to hear. 19:16 To examine the issues and look at the facts rather than 19:21 going on the emotions. 19:23 But do you find people want to really hear what they, you know? 19:27 It's hard sometimes, when a parent or somebody who 19:33 wishes you well says to you, "Look, I think you're heading 19:36 in the wrong direction. 19:37 I think the girl that you have been dating 19:39 isn't of a good character. " 19:41 Or, "The boy you're dating is, you know, having another 19:44 relationship that I'm aware of. " Whatever. 19:46 These things are painful to hear, but you need to hear it. 19:49 It's not enough to say, "Well, they love me 19:51 so I'm going to go ahead. " 19:52 But an irony I found, honey, is this thing that 19:57 people want to hear what they want to hear. 20:02 And so if I know you're going to tell me something that 20:07 I don't want to hear, I don't want to talk to you. 20:09 I go to the next person that will say what I want to hear. 20:13 So sometimes in relationship formation people could 20:17 be helped, but they don't go to the source where they can be 20:20 helped because they don't want to hear it. 20:21 And that's why we're saying on this program that 20:24 this is not the thing to do. 20:26 We don't want you to fall into a trap. 20:28 We don't want you to fall into prey of the hands 20:31 of a cunning person. 20:32 We want you to fall in love with somebody who respects you and 20:35 loves you for who you are and will treat you as you deserve. 20:38 So you want to do it the right way. 20:40 Don't just follow your heart, follow your head as well. 20:44 So it might be painful now, but it might be in your 20:48 best interest in the long run. 20:51 So, can you listen to us? 20:54 Can we say it in a way that you will accept it 20:58 and you'll understand it? 20:59 Relationships are complicated at best. 21:03 And marriage is a challenge. 21:07 It is something that you have to negotiate. 21:09 So when you are dating, when you see someone that 21:12 you say that you are in love with, that's okay, 21:15 but that's not enough. 21:16 Do your homework. Ask the questions. 21:19 Seek counsel, talk to a professional. 21:22 Listen to what others have to say. 21:24 Don't be offended, don't be thin skinned. 21:29 Do the background work. Get the help. 21:32 It will save you a multitude of problems in the long run. 21:37 Well, there are some values that, having said that, 21:41 there are some values that individuals should look for 21:45 when they are selecting a mate. 21:48 What might some of these be? 21:50 I think that first, the individual who is doing 21:53 the selection must be aware of what his or her values are. 21:56 But socially, if you think about it, I think it is critical 22:00 that an individual should be respected. 22:04 So you should select an individual who will 22:06 respect you for who you are, who will value your family 22:10 and the background from which you came. 22:12 Because the reality is, you are not necessarily responsible 22:16 for your family and the choices sometimes that they make. 22:19 But you should not be putting yourself in a vulnerable 22:23 encounter where your family is going to be rejected 22:26 or disrespected because this person thinks little of them. 22:29 You should also look to see how they relate to their families. 22:33 Because I think it sets the tone for how they will relate to you 22:38 to a large extent. 22:39 I always say to girls, when you're selecting a husband, 22:41 look to see what kind of relationship he has with 22:44 his mother and with his sisters. 22:46 That's important because it may translate in the relationship 22:51 he has with her. 22:53 So you're saying, look for social values. 22:57 And tied to social values is the moral value. 23:03 You want someone with a strong character. 23:06 These days, character is important. 23:08 Well, character was always important, but now with 23:11 what is happening, you want someone with personal integrity. 23:15 You want someone who has uprightness. 23:18 It's not just about getting married. 23:22 It's not just about falling in love. 23:24 It's not just about saying, "Well, I'm desperate 23:27 and this is the best I can find. " 23:29 Those are not the issues. 23:31 If it's the best you can find and it's not good enough, 23:33 it might be to your detriment. 23:36 So take the time out to look for moral values. 23:40 You want an individual who is competent, 23:43 an individual who will stand for right principles. 23:46 Because we're living in a society, June, we're living 23:49 in an age now where people seem to be dismissing those 23:54 and saying, "Well that's not important. " 23:55 Or, "If the person doesn't have it when I marry them, 23:58 I will let them have it. 23:59 I'll make them, I'll teach them. " 24:01 Is that possible? Will that happen? 24:03 It is possible that you can give feedback and the person 24:06 could choose to learn what they need to learn. 24:08 But usually, that's not how it works. 24:10 They come with their package and they're going to be 24:11 who they are, to a large extent. 24:13 And if it's not good before, it's probably going 24:16 to get worse after. 24:17 What about intellectual values? 24:19 I think that those are important. 24:21 The person should be progressive. 24:22 You know, if you're going to marry somebody who has 24:24 no interest in improving themselves or improving the 24:28 the conditions of their life, then that's what you're 24:30 going to be settling for. 24:31 So the person should have some skill. 24:33 Now they may not have a college degree, but they may have a 24:37 skill, a trade or something that they can be compensated for. 24:41 So that, it is important to think, "I love you, 24:44 but you have to be able to take care of a family. " 24:46 Love is not enough at the end of the month 24:48 when the mortgage is to be paid, or the food has to be bought, 24:52 or the children's tuition is due. 24:53 So that individual whom you're choosing to be a life partner 24:56 must be able to hold down a job and to take care of 25:01 his family or her family. 25:03 But I hear some spouses say, and often times they 25:07 bring this up and say, "Well, even if they can't 25:10 hold a job down, and even if they don't have a job, 25:13 I'm working enough and that can take care of the finances. " 25:20 So many young people make that mistake. 25:21 They think that because they are able to work, 25:24 that the other person doesn't have to. 25:27 But eventually one thing into the relationship, 25:29 I found at least with the people that I work with 25:31 as clients, it doesn't work. 25:33 You expect that your partner must be productive. 25:36 And it's not going to be a good thing for you to go out to work 25:38 every day and your partner is home watching TV 25:41 or gone to play golf or something. 25:43 You have to contribute to the livelihood of the family. 25:47 The irony about that scenario is that it works within the 25:50 first few months or maybe years of the relationship. 25:54 But afterwards, now when reality sets in, it starts 25:59 acting on your nerves and it creates more problems. 26:01 Plus it's an expensive venture to raise a family. 26:04 And in order to provide the resources for sustenance 26:08 and survival, it takes pretty much two career incomes. 26:11 So on whatever level you can contribute, you should think 26:15 carefully about the choice you make. 26:17 Finally, we have to talk about spiritual values. 26:20 Often times, people neglect spiritual values. 26:24 Sometimes they say, "The Lord understands. " 26:27 Or they're thinking, "Well afterwards, I can come back. " 26:32 But spiritual value is an important ingredient, 26:35 an important component when we're talking about 26:38 mate selection. 26:39 What I hear many young people say is that they just can't 26:43 find competent and capable spiritual partners. 26:47 And the reality is, I would say, if you go to purchase something 26:52 like a pair of shoes or a dress or something that 26:55 you're looking for, and you can't find what you're 26:56 looking for, then you keep looking. 26:58 You go to the next store and you go to maybe the next town. 27:01 But the reality is, you don't just buy something, 27:04 because you want what you want. 27:05 I believe that God has left us the instructions that 27:10 will make us happy and make our lives fulfilled. 27:12 And if we follow His plan, we're likely to find happiness. 27:15 So we're to ask questions like, does this person love the Lord? 27:19 We're to ask, is this person a baptized member of your faith? 27:24 Does this person have a relationship with Jesus Christ? 27:30 It is always important. 27:32 You see, Sampson made that horrible mistake. 27:35 He thought love was enough. 27:36 And the story is pathetic. 27:39 The woman he loved ended up causing him to lose his eyes. 27:44 Do not allow anyone that you love that badly 27:47 cause you to lose your sight. 27:49 You must trust God with your mate selection. 27:53 Trust Him. 27:54 Love is never enough. 27:55 Jesus Christ is there to be with you. 27:58 We pray that God will strengthen you and bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17