Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:00:30.59\00:00:33.90
I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June.
00:00:33.93\00:00:38.28
June and I have been working
with families for many years.
00:00:38.31\00:00:42.06
We're both licensed
Marriage and Family Therapists
00:00:42.09\00:00:45.18
and licensed
Mental Health Counselors.
00:00:45.21\00:00:48.84
And today we're going to talk
about, When Love is Not Enough.
00:00:48.87\00:00:54.38
That sounds kind of strange,
when love is not enough.
00:00:55.09\00:00:58.63
I thought love
should cover everything.
00:00:58.66\00:01:01.11
I think many people think that.
00:01:01.14\00:01:03.00
They think that, "Once
I'm in love, then that's
00:01:03.03\00:01:05.74
all that matters. "
00:01:05.77\00:01:06.80
But the more we work with people
and with families especially,
00:01:06.83\00:01:10.49
is the more we recognize
that love is not enough.
00:01:10.52\00:01:13.63
Let's chronicle
the story of Sampson.
00:01:13.66\00:01:17.44
Because the story tells us that
Sampson went down to Timnath
00:01:17.74\00:01:22.34
and he saw a
daughter of the Philistines.
00:01:22.37\00:01:25.59
And he came back to his mother
and his father and he said,
00:01:25.62\00:01:28.52
"This is the woman I want. "
00:01:28.55\00:01:30.39
So the parents
said, "Why would do that?
00:01:30.42\00:01:32.87
Can't you find a
woman of your own ethnicity,
00:01:32.90\00:01:37.67
most of all your own faith?"
00:01:37.68\00:01:39.82
And Sampson's
response to his mother was,
00:01:39.85\00:01:43.19
"Get her for me, for
she pleaseth me well. "
00:01:43.22\00:01:48.43
Now would you say that's
narcissistic on Sampson's part?
00:01:48.46\00:01:52.98
I think that Sampson
wanted what he saw in this woman
00:01:53.18\00:01:58.62
and was not about to be
influenced by his parents
00:01:58.65\00:02:01.43
or anyone else.
00:02:01.46\00:02:02.57
And I find that is so parallel
to many of our young people and
00:02:02.60\00:02:08.84
the way they make choices in
the way they select their mates.
00:02:08.87\00:02:12.30
So they tend to say,
"It's all about who I see
00:02:12.33\00:02:16.81
and what I love,
and that's enough. "
00:02:16.84\00:02:20.10
Is love ever enough?
00:02:20.13\00:02:22.19
The irony is that sometimes
what they're experiencing
00:02:22.22\00:02:25.63
really isn't even love.
00:02:25.66\00:02:27.58
They're infatuated
with this person's beauty
00:02:27.61\00:02:30.32
or the person's talent,
or something that, you know,
00:02:30.35\00:02:33.60
cue's them into this person.
00:02:33.63\00:02:35.72
But really, they have
not grown to love or know
00:02:35.75\00:02:39.80
much about the person.
00:02:39.83\00:02:41.07
How do you love somebody
you really don't know much about
00:02:41.10\00:02:43.35
and/or make a decision to live
permanently in a relationship
00:02:43.38\00:02:47.26
with someone you
really don't know.
00:02:47.29\00:02:49.35
So it's not enough
to just be attached or
00:02:49.38\00:02:51.48
attracted to somebody.
00:02:51.49\00:02:52.52
You really need a lot
more than that before you
00:02:52.55\00:02:55.02
make a mate selection.
00:02:55.05\00:02:56.81
Sampson's life was
filled with paradox.
00:02:58.63\00:03:04.09
Sampson was suppose to
abstain, yet he indulged.
00:03:04.86\00:03:09.29
Sampson was suppose to be the
judge and champion of Israel,
00:03:09.32\00:03:13.22
yet he ended up in a dungeon.
00:03:13.23\00:03:16.16
As a matter of fact,
his name "Sampson" means
00:03:16.19\00:03:18.85
"the strong one. "
00:03:18.88\00:03:20.07
So Sampson was suppose to be
strong, yet he was a weak man.
00:03:20.08\00:03:25.04
Weak in integrity,
weak in moral goodness.
00:03:25.07\00:03:30.17
That's a paradox.
00:03:30.20\00:03:32.10
You see such
diversity in his life.
00:03:32.13\00:03:36.98
Looking at life today,
do we have similarities?
00:03:36.99\00:03:42.31
I think that as I work with and
talk with young people, I find
00:03:42.71\00:03:48.59
very clear paradox between
the way they make selections
00:03:48.62\00:03:52.45
and the way Sampson operated.
00:03:52.48\00:03:55.52
Many of them refuse
counsel from their elders,
00:03:55.55\00:04:00.09
from their parents.
00:04:00.10\00:04:01.17
In fact, I have found
recently that there are so many
00:04:01.20\00:04:03.79
young people who say they're in
love, that they're in conflict
00:04:03.82\00:04:07.84
with their parents while
they're in love with their lover
00:04:07.87\00:04:11.43
or the person that they
perceive to be their lover.
00:04:11.46\00:04:13.31
And the parents are
traumatized because they see
00:04:13.34\00:04:16.71
that their child is
about to plunge themselves
00:04:16.74\00:04:19.08
into a relationship
that's not good for them.
00:04:19.09\00:04:23.20
Because the basic criteria
that they have established
00:04:23.23\00:04:27.24
for selecting a wholesome
partner just isn't there.
00:04:27.27\00:04:31.56
But the young people aren't able
to see that for some reason.
00:04:31.59\00:04:35.62
They just make poor
judgments, many of them.
00:04:35.65\00:04:38.35
Now many of them are
doing the right thing.
00:04:38.38\00:04:40.29
But too many, and for me,
one young person who makes
00:04:40.32\00:04:44.33
the wrong choice and ends up
on the wrong side of the track,
00:04:44.36\00:04:47.07
is one too many.
00:04:47.10\00:04:48.56
We're talking about
when love is not enough.
00:04:49.20\00:04:52.55
It has to do
with mate selection.
00:04:53.05\00:04:55.85
And we're looking at the life
of Sampson and seeing how we
00:04:55.86\00:04:59.59
can find parallels in everyday
mate selections these days.
00:04:59.62\00:05:04.18
Now Sampson made
some foolish mistakes.
00:05:04.21\00:05:07.98
And I'm going to highlight
each of these mistakes.
00:05:08.01\00:05:10.87
And what I'd like you to do
for me is see if you can find,
00:05:10.90\00:05:14.07
in your practice as you
work with young people and
00:05:14.10\00:05:16.56
as you negotiate the lives
of people, see if you can find
00:05:16.59\00:05:20.02
and share with me similarities,
or what is the same.
00:05:20.05\00:05:22.72
For example,
Sampson was selfish.
00:05:22.75\00:05:25.01
Sampson said to his parents,
when the parents were trying
00:05:25.04\00:05:27.75
to rationalize with him, to show
him why he should not select
00:05:27.78\00:05:31.70
this woman, "You should at least
find somebody of your faith,"
00:05:31.73\00:05:36.15
the only argument Sampson had
was, "She pleaseth me well. "
00:05:36.16\00:05:41.14
That's a very common thing that
happens in the relationships
00:05:41.17\00:05:45.19
that I see young
people engage in these days.
00:05:45.20\00:05:47.96
I spoke to a young woman who was
in conflict with her own parents
00:05:47.97\00:05:52.47
because she was determined that
the person she was in love with
00:05:52.50\00:05:56.43
would be her life
partner, her husband,
00:05:56.46\00:05:59.14
and her parents were
just saddened by her choice.
00:05:59.17\00:06:01.87
And one, the person
did not share her faith.
00:06:01.90\00:06:05.56
And not only did he not share
her faith, but he had practices
00:06:05.59\00:06:09.77
that were self destructive.
00:06:09.80\00:06:11.61
He used marijuana, he,
you know, drank alcohol.
00:06:11.64\00:06:17.34
He was just doing things
that the parents know would not
00:06:17.37\00:06:20.65
be wholesome for her
as the father of her child
00:06:20.68\00:06:24.09
or even her husband.
00:06:24.12\00:06:25.26
But this young woman saw
what she perceived to be love
00:06:25.29\00:06:28.59
and was head bent on
going into this relationship.
00:06:28.62\00:06:31.42
And unfortunately,
she did make that decision
00:06:31.45\00:06:34.06
and she married this young man.
00:06:34.09\00:06:36.24
And believe it or not, eight
months into the relationship,
00:06:36.27\00:06:39.38
she was in counseling.
00:06:39.39\00:06:41.08
Young people, why do you
keep making the same mistake
00:06:41.11\00:06:45.68
over and over again?
00:06:45.71\00:06:48.06
Why is it that you think
that love is all you need;
00:06:48.09\00:06:52.14
as long as you're
in love, that is it?
00:06:52.17\00:06:54.60
Why do you keep selecting
individuals that you can
00:06:54.63\00:06:58.24
see clearly, because of
the choices they make and
00:06:58.25\00:07:01.87
the lifestyle they have, that
you're going to have problems.
00:07:01.88\00:07:05.49
Why do you have to
learn, why can't you learn
00:07:05.52\00:07:09.00
from the mistakes of others?
00:07:09.03\00:07:10.53
Why do you have to go
and make the same mistakes
00:07:10.56\00:07:13.24
and then you learn from it?
00:07:13.27\00:07:14.72
We're saying today, love is
not all, love is not enough.
00:07:14.75\00:07:18.57
There are other ingredients
that you have to put in it.
00:07:18.60\00:07:21.55
We have to explain this
clearly to our listeners.
00:07:21.59\00:07:24.91
When we say love is not
enough, we are using this phrase
00:07:24.94\00:07:29.67
in the context
of mate selection.
00:07:29.70\00:07:33.77
Please bear that in mind.
00:07:33.80\00:07:34.92
Now not only was Sampson
foolish, but Sampson made
00:07:34.93\00:07:41.73
the same mistakes three times.
00:07:41.76\00:07:43.98
If you read Judges carefully,
you'll see that three times
00:07:44.01\00:07:47.46
Sampson selected a partner, and
on each occasion it turns out
00:07:47.49\00:07:53.39
to be the wrong partner.
00:07:53.42\00:07:55.48
I use to say this, June.
00:07:55.51\00:07:56.64
As a matter of
fact, I say to young men,
00:07:56.67\00:07:58.88
if the first time you
select a partner, you select a
00:07:58.91\00:08:02.45
young lady and it
turns out to be a bad choice.
00:08:02.48\00:08:04.61
And the second time
you select a young lady,
00:08:04.64\00:08:07.31
it turns out to be a bad choice.
00:08:07.34\00:08:09.25
And the third time
you select a young lady,
00:08:09.28\00:08:11.41
it turns out to be a bad
choice, the problem is with you.
00:08:11.44\00:08:14.56
You are the problem.
00:08:15.06\00:08:16.41
You are the one who just doesn't
know how to make good choices.
00:08:16.44\00:08:20.04
You see, sometimes
young people are only looking
00:08:20.07\00:08:21.92
at the externals.
00:08:21.95\00:08:23.19
Sampson clearly had violated the
principles that he grew up with
00:08:23.22\00:08:28.32
and ended up, as we
see how his life ended.
00:08:28.35\00:08:31.99
But this is happening
still with our young people.
00:08:32.02\00:08:35.43
And that's a sad commentary.
00:08:35.46\00:08:37.61
Young people, for some
reason, think they know it all.
00:08:37.64\00:08:42.30
And they are resistant to
their parents or to anyone else
00:08:42.33\00:08:46.91
trying to explain to them what
the dangers are and what the
00:08:46.94\00:08:50.03
flags are, and hopefully
will provide counsel for them.
00:08:50.06\00:08:54.36
They just think that
what they see is how it is,
00:08:54.39\00:08:57.54
and that's what they want to do.
00:08:57.57\00:08:58.64
Sampson was defiant, also.
00:08:58.67\00:09:00.70
We spoke sometime
ago about defiance.
00:09:00.73\00:09:04.21
And we see a level
of defiance in Sampson
00:09:04.24\00:09:07.55
because Sampson didn't care.
00:09:07.58\00:09:09.23
He didn't care
about spiritual values,
00:09:09.26\00:09:11.31
he didn't care about
moral or social values.
00:09:11.34\00:09:14.43
He just wanted
this woman for himself.
00:09:14.46\00:09:17.73
He was defiant, and he
was defiant to his parents.
00:09:17.76\00:09:21.03
Some of you
listening to us right now
00:09:21.06\00:09:23.34
are demonstrating
that level of defiance.
00:09:23.37\00:09:27.24
And if you look at Sampson,
it landed him in a dungeon.
00:09:27.25\00:09:30.83
The same will happen to you.
00:09:30.86\00:09:33.25
You cannot make bad
choices, you can't be defiant
00:09:33.28\00:09:36.48
against principles and
expect to have good outcome.
00:09:36.49\00:09:40.08
Well that's the irony; that
they expect that it's going to
00:09:40.28\00:09:43.84
work out, because they
know that they're in love
00:09:43.87\00:09:46.39
and that's all that matters.
00:09:46.42\00:09:47.96
And when the adult says,
you have to watch out for
00:09:47.99\00:09:51.12
these other traits, it really
doesn't comply unfortunately.
00:09:51.15\00:09:54.57
We should emphasize
also that Sampson defied
00:09:54.58\00:09:58.09
Biblical teachings.
00:09:58.12\00:10:02.11
He did not follow
Biblical teachings.
00:10:02.14\00:10:05.08
Isn't that saying something
to people in selecting a mate?
00:10:05.11\00:10:09.05
God didn't just
leave us to fumble.
00:10:09.08\00:10:11.31
He gave us direction,
He gave us instruction.
00:10:11.34\00:10:13.91
And He said, one, we should
avoid relating and selecting
00:10:13.94\00:10:20.28
a mate who does
not have shared values.
00:10:20.31\00:10:24.60
And when we defy those
principles, we're likely to...
00:10:24.63\00:10:29.03
Because it's hard
enough to build a relationship,
00:10:29.06\00:10:31.76
a healthy relationship,
with an individual who even
00:10:31.79\00:10:34.87
shares your values.
00:10:34.90\00:10:35.89
So you have added
challenges when you
00:10:35.92\00:10:39.02
don't share your values.
00:10:39.05\00:10:40.41
And one should not compromise
values, moral values and
00:10:40.44\00:10:44.02
spiritual values, in
order to form a relationship.
00:10:44.05\00:10:47.37
You see, I think,
Alanzo, part of the problem is
00:10:47.40\00:10:49.24
when young people
think they're in love,
00:10:49.27\00:10:50.86
they only think
about the moment.
00:10:50.87\00:10:52.61
They don't necessarily
see the large picture.
00:10:52.64\00:10:54.85
So they're seeing the lover.
00:10:54.88\00:10:56.47
They don't see the
husband, the father.
00:10:56.50\00:10:59.09
What kind of wife is
this girl going to be,
00:10:59.12\00:11:02.15
or what kind of mother
is this girl going to be?
00:11:02.18\00:11:04.88
Will she instill the
values that I grew up with
00:11:04.91\00:11:08.00
in my child, or the
values that I think are
00:11:08.03\00:11:10.12
important in my child?
00:11:10.15\00:11:11.37
They don't think that far.
00:11:11.40\00:11:12.82
They only really think
about how they feel right now.
00:11:12.85\00:11:16.21
That's why we say,
love is not enough.
00:11:16.22\00:11:18.39
Well, we keep
saying young people,
00:11:18.42\00:11:21.59
unfortunately but it's true,
adults make that same mistake.
00:11:21.62\00:11:26.02
Sometimes in their second
marriages, we talked about
00:11:26.05\00:11:29.12
blended marriages, in
their second marriage.
00:11:29.15\00:11:31.51
And sometimes older
individuals, they're marrying
00:11:31.54\00:11:34.27
at an older age.
00:11:34.30\00:11:35.39
And you would think that their
head would be on their body
00:11:35.42\00:11:38.11
and they would
be thinking clearly.
00:11:38.14\00:11:39.60
And it's amazing how you'd
see someone who you believe
00:11:39.63\00:11:43.18
they have it all put
together, and they make the same
00:11:43.21\00:11:45.99
mistakes like a teenager.
00:11:46.02\00:11:47.36
And you say,
"Where's this coming from?"
00:11:47.39\00:11:48.87
We talk about problems in
marriages and we talk about
00:11:48.90\00:11:51.68
so many marriages now
ending up in a divorce.
00:11:51.71\00:11:55.06
But I think part of
the problem stems with how
00:11:55.09\00:11:59.45
the relationship started.
00:11:59.48\00:12:00.75
So if you pick the wrong person,
or the person who doesn't fit
00:12:00.78\00:12:05.34
the criteria that's established
for a healthy marriage.
00:12:05.37\00:12:09.18
For example, if you pick
somebody who doesn't have
00:12:09.21\00:12:10.99
shared interests,
doesn't have shared values,
00:12:11.02\00:12:12.87
who is certainly not heading in
the same direction you're going,
00:12:12.88\00:12:17.14
you're not likely to
end up in a good place.
00:12:17.17\00:12:20.03
And so when the
marriage falls apart, we say,
00:12:20.04\00:12:23.13
"Oh Lord, how did
you make this happen?"
00:12:23.16\00:12:24.79
But then the Lord
told us in the first place,
00:12:24.82\00:12:26.85
don't do certain things.
00:12:26.88\00:12:28.47
We're talking
about mate selection;
00:12:29.41\00:12:31.56
when love is not enough.
00:12:31.59\00:12:33.70
And there are many of you out
there who think you're in love
00:12:33.73\00:12:37.06
and you feel that all that
matters is that we are in love.
00:12:37.09\00:12:40.61
There are times we see
young people elope, and they go
00:12:40.64\00:12:43.81
and they get married, then they
come back and they tell their
00:12:43.84\00:12:46.33
parents, only to find themselves
in trouble afterwards.
00:12:46.36\00:12:50.42
There are time when
older ones, older individuals,
00:12:50.45\00:12:53.56
make decisions that
are incompatible to their
00:12:53.59\00:12:57.15
Christian faith, their Christian
beliefs, and what their parents
00:12:57.18\00:13:00.45
and friends and others
are saying because they say
00:13:00.55\00:13:03.22
they are in love.
00:13:03.23\00:13:04.27
We're saying love is not enough.
00:13:04.30\00:13:07.00
Sampson made that mistake.
00:13:07.03\00:13:08.49
He thought love was enough.
00:13:08.52\00:13:09.92
We saw the end result of him.
00:13:09.95\00:13:11.79
When we come back,
we're going to talk about
00:13:11.82\00:13:14.02
the Delilah syndrome.
00:13:14.05\00:13:15.22
We're going to share
some things about Delilah.
00:13:15.25\00:13:17.39
And not only that
now, we're going to say,
00:13:17.42\00:13:19.84
how do you go about
your mate selection.
00:13:19.87\00:13:23.45
That's important.
00:13:23.48\00:13:24.52
We want to give you some tips
on how to select a good mate.
00:13:24.55\00:13:27.87
Well, we'll be right
back. Stay right there.
00:13:27.90\00:13:30.79
There are many "How
To" books available,
00:13:37.06\00:13:39.17
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:39.20\00:13:42.45
"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
00:13:42.46\00:13:44.93
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:44.96\00:13:48.91
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:48.94\00:13:51.68
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:13:51.71\00:13:54.54
and everyone in between.
00:13:54.57\00:13:56.07
Simply call or
write for your free copy.
00:13:56.10\00:13:58.61
Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:09.62\00:14:12.49
Alanzo and I have been talking
about, when love is not enough.
00:14:12.52\00:14:16.95
Well, we agree that
love is not enough when it
00:14:18.21\00:14:22.73
comes to mate selection.
00:14:22.76\00:14:24.76
We spoke at length about
Sampson and the mistake he made
00:14:24.79\00:14:29.02
into thinking that love was
enough and what that got him.
00:14:29.05\00:14:32.78
We want to look at Delilah.
00:14:32.81\00:14:34.51
Because Delilah
was a very beautiful,
00:14:34.54\00:14:37.84
a very attractive woman.
00:14:37.87\00:14:40.16
And often times, that's how
men are swept off their feet.
00:14:40.19\00:14:44.98
That's how men make mistakes
because they look for beauty.
00:14:44.99\00:14:49.13
But is there anything
wrong in looking for beauty?
00:14:49.16\00:14:51.99
I married a beautiful woman.
00:14:52.02\00:14:53.94
Thank you.
00:14:53.95\00:14:54.99
I think that beauty is
what get's you in the door,
00:14:55.02\00:14:57.84
to a large extent.
00:14:57.87\00:14:58.92
Because let's face it,
the externals are important.
00:14:58.93\00:15:01.42
And you're not necessarily going
to be attracted to somebody
00:15:01.45\00:15:03.54
that you're not attracted to.
00:15:03.57\00:15:04.75
So beauty plays
some part in the process.
00:15:04.78\00:15:07.29
But it's not enough.
00:15:07.32\00:15:08.74
It shouldn't be, at
least, external beauty only.
00:15:08.77\00:15:12.37
Because there have been
many philosophers who say,
00:15:12.40\00:15:16.24
beauty is not
just on the outside.
00:15:16.27\00:15:18.33
Beauty is vain, the Bible says.
00:15:18.36\00:15:19.92
Beauty can be vain.
00:15:19.95\00:15:20.94
That's what the
Bible says, beauty is vain.
00:15:20.97\00:15:22.67
So let's talk
about the external now.
00:15:22.70\00:15:25.62
We're talking about mate
selection and mate formation,
00:15:25.65\00:15:31.65
and we're saying, the
danger of the external.
00:15:31.68\00:15:35.42
Because beauty can be
vain, beauty is deceptive.
00:15:35.45\00:15:41.12
In other words, if you're
looking on just the individual
00:15:41.15\00:15:46.17
and the external,
you might be deceived.
00:15:46.18\00:15:49.39
Because what you see and
what you think you're seeing
00:15:49.42\00:15:53.51
might not be
what you're getting.
00:15:53.54\00:15:55.73
There's a statement that says,
00:15:55.76\00:15:57.10
"Not all that
glitters is gold. "
00:15:57.13\00:16:00.05
So people who are
attracted to just the externals
00:16:00.15\00:16:04.06
might go into a relationship,
get settled and realize,
00:16:04.09\00:16:07.76
"Wow, your character
traits are not as beautiful
00:16:07.79\00:16:11.15
as your physical traits. "
00:16:11.16\00:16:12.77
And beauty can
also be controlling.
00:16:12.78\00:16:16.34
Because Delilah
was a beautiful women,
00:16:16.35\00:16:18.90
but she controlled Sampson.
00:16:18.93\00:16:20.64
Everything she wanted
from Sampson, she got.
00:16:20.67\00:16:24.08
It's like she led him
like a puppet on a string.
00:16:24.11\00:16:27.35
So while you're caught up
in the ecstasy of the beauty
00:16:27.38\00:16:31.95
of this woman, remember
that you might be walking into
00:16:31.98\00:16:34.96
one of the most
controlling relationships.
00:16:34.99\00:16:38.61
Delilah was
considered a cunning woman.
00:16:38.64\00:16:41.81
Does that still
happen in relationships?
00:16:43.04\00:16:45.69
Ahhh...
00:16:47.36\00:16:48.40
It happens so
often, ever so often.
00:16:48.43\00:16:51.95
You see, Delilah
knew what she wanted
00:16:51.96\00:16:56.50
and she knew how to get it.
00:16:56.53\00:16:58.56
When a woman sits down
and summarizes a situation,
00:16:59.57\00:17:04.63
they see that man, he's married,
and she says to herself,
00:17:04.66\00:17:09.51
"I want him.
00:17:09.54\00:17:10.60
I don't care if he's
married or not, I want him. "
00:17:10.63\00:17:13.65
And all she does now is
to sit down and calculatedly
00:17:13.68\00:17:18.60
lay a trap or devise
a plan, how to get him.
00:17:18.63\00:17:23.44
And if that man, if
his spiritual reservoir
00:17:23.45\00:17:26.13
is not filled up, if
he's not on his guard,
00:17:26.16\00:17:28.71
before he knows it, he
can be swept off his feet.
00:17:28.74\00:17:31.68
And I think the
same is true for a woman.
00:17:32.68\00:17:34.71
I think there are men who will
target women who are vulnerable.
00:17:34.74\00:17:38.67
And without much
preplanning, a woman who has not
00:17:38.70\00:17:44.17
inoculated herself with strong
values and who has calculated
00:17:44.20\00:17:49.24
what her mission in life is and
has her principles established,
00:17:49.27\00:17:53.39
could also be vulnerable
to somebody who is cunning.
00:17:53.42\00:17:56.62
So either way, it is not
a good thing to fall prey
00:17:56.65\00:18:00.94
to a cunning person.
00:18:00.97\00:18:02.13
And a cunning
woman is competitive.
00:18:02.16\00:18:05.18
They will enter any competition
to get what they want.
00:18:05.21\00:18:08.94
They will compete
with anyone, any person.
00:18:08.97\00:18:12.28
It doesn't bother them.
00:18:12.31\00:18:14.47
The end result is that
they get what they want.
00:18:14.50\00:18:18.40
It's a tendency that
is within an individual
00:18:18.43\00:18:23.98
that is selfish, that is driven
by self, and driven by greed.
00:18:23.99\00:18:28.55
And the person
doesn't care about the
00:18:28.58\00:18:30.01
feelings of anyone else.
00:18:30.04\00:18:31.22
It doesn't matter
who they hurt as long as
00:18:31.26\00:18:32.90
they get what they want.
00:18:32.93\00:18:33.99
So we could say that
Delilah was a risk taker,
00:18:34.02\00:18:37.24
which is also one characteristic
of somebody who is cunning.
00:18:37.27\00:18:41.02
They're not
afraid to take risks.
00:18:41.05\00:18:43.20
They will risk even their own
safety to get what they want.
00:18:43.23\00:18:48.14
Now for those people who
are not married and those
00:18:48.17\00:18:50.76
individuals who
are in relationships,
00:18:50.77\00:18:53.26
are they stuck?
00:18:53.29\00:18:54.35
Must they fall in the Sampson
trap or the Delilah trap?
00:18:54.38\00:18:59.30
How can an individual
avoid Sampson's mistake?
00:18:59.33\00:19:04.45
I would say that one of the
first things they do need to do
00:19:05.00\00:19:07.64
is to listen to counsel.
00:19:07.67\00:19:10.61
Seek counsel?
00:19:10.64\00:19:12.18
To be willing to hear
what they may not want to hear.
00:19:12.21\00:19:16.78
To examine the issues and
look at the facts rather than
00:19:16.81\00:19:21.60
going on the emotions.
00:19:21.63\00:19:23.07
But do you find people want to
really hear what they, you know?
00:19:23.10\00:19:27.73
It's hard sometimes,
when a parent or somebody who
00:19:27.76\00:19:33.24
wishes you well says to you,
"Look, I think you're heading
00:19:33.27\00:19:36.53
in the wrong direction.
00:19:36.56\00:19:37.55
I think the girl
that you have been dating
00:19:37.56\00:19:39.75
isn't of a good character. "
00:19:39.78\00:19:41.53
Or, "The boy you're dating
is, you know, having another
00:19:41.56\00:19:44.88
relationship that
I'm aware of. " Whatever.
00:19:44.89\00:19:46.50
These things are painful to
hear, but you need to hear it.
00:19:46.53\00:19:49.66
It's not enough to
say, "Well, they love me
00:19:49.69\00:19:51.48
so I'm going to go ahead. "
00:19:51.51\00:19:52.69
But an irony I found,
honey, is this thing that
00:19:52.72\00:19:57.05
people want to hear
what they want to hear.
00:19:57.08\00:20:02.60
And so if I know you're
going to tell me something that
00:20:02.63\00:20:07.29
I don't want to hear, I
don't want to talk to you.
00:20:07.32\00:20:09.19
I go to the next person that
will say what I want to hear.
00:20:09.22\00:20:13.88
So sometimes in relationship
formation people could
00:20:13.91\00:20:17.56
be helped, but they don't go
to the source where they can be
00:20:17.59\00:20:20.14
helped because they
don't want to hear it.
00:20:20.17\00:20:21.56
And that's why we're
saying on this program that
00:20:21.59\00:20:24.70
this is not the thing to do.
00:20:24.71\00:20:26.29
We don't want you
to fall into a trap.
00:20:26.32\00:20:28.46
We don't want you to
fall into prey of the hands
00:20:28.49\00:20:31.01
of a cunning person.
00:20:31.04\00:20:32.12
We want you to fall in love with
somebody who respects you and
00:20:32.15\00:20:35.28
loves you for who you are and
will treat you as you deserve.
00:20:35.31\00:20:38.75
So you want to
do it the right way.
00:20:38.78\00:20:40.83
Don't just follow your
heart, follow your head as well.
00:20:40.86\00:20:44.37
So it might be painful
now, but it might be in your
00:20:44.40\00:20:48.94
best interest in the long run.
00:20:48.95\00:20:51.47
So, can you listen to us?
00:20:51.50\00:20:54.18
Can we say it in a way
that you will accept it
00:20:54.21\00:20:58.24
and you'll understand it?
00:20:58.27\00:20:59.70
Relationships are
complicated at best.
00:20:59.73\00:21:03.82
And marriage is a challenge.
00:21:03.85\00:21:07.13
It is something that
you have to negotiate.
00:21:07.16\00:21:09.83
So when you are dating,
when you see someone that
00:21:09.86\00:21:12.12
you say that you are
in love with, that's okay,
00:21:12.15\00:21:15.06
but that's not enough.
00:21:15.09\00:21:16.59
Do your homework.
Ask the questions.
00:21:16.62\00:21:19.69
Seek counsel,
talk to a professional.
00:21:19.72\00:21:22.16
Listen to what
others have to say.
00:21:22.19\00:21:24.43
Don't be offended,
don't be thin skinned.
00:21:24.46\00:21:29.94
Do the background
work. Get the help.
00:21:29.97\00:21:32.88
It will save you a multitude
of problems in the long run.
00:21:32.89\00:21:37.67
Well, there are some
values that, having said that,
00:21:37.70\00:21:41.53
there are some values that
individuals should look for
00:21:41.56\00:21:45.16
when they are selecting a mate.
00:21:45.19\00:21:48.32
What might some of these be?
00:21:48.35\00:21:50.31
I think that first,
the individual who is doing
00:21:50.34\00:21:53.18
the selection must be aware
of what his or her values are.
00:21:53.21\00:21:56.92
But socially, if you think
about it, I think it is critical
00:21:56.95\00:22:00.96
that an individual
should be respected.
00:22:00.99\00:22:04.01
So you should select
an individual who will
00:22:04.04\00:22:06.86
respect you for who you
are, who will value your family
00:22:06.89\00:22:10.51
and the background
from which you came.
00:22:10.54\00:22:12.62
Because the reality is, you
are not necessarily responsible
00:22:12.65\00:22:16.13
for your family and the choices
sometimes that they make.
00:22:16.16\00:22:19.63
But you should not be
putting yourself in a vulnerable
00:22:19.64\00:22:23.73
encounter where your
family is going to be rejected
00:22:23.76\00:22:26.37
or disrespected because this
person thinks little of them.
00:22:26.40\00:22:29.94
You should also look to see how
they relate to their families.
00:22:29.97\00:22:33.48
Because I think it sets the tone
for how they will relate to you
00:22:33.51\00:22:37.97
to a large extent.
00:22:38.00\00:22:39.06
I always say to girls,
when you're selecting a husband,
00:22:39.09\00:22:41.68
look to see what kind
of relationship he has with
00:22:41.71\00:22:44.92
his mother and with his sisters.
00:22:44.95\00:22:46.93
That's important because it may
translate in the relationship
00:22:46.96\00:22:51.68
he has with her.
00:22:51.71\00:22:53.71
So you're saying,
look for social values.
00:22:53.74\00:22:57.95
And tied to social
values is the moral value.
00:22:57.98\00:23:02.98
You want someone
with a strong character.
00:23:03.01\00:23:06.21
These days,
character is important.
00:23:06.24\00:23:08.56
Well, character was
always important, but now with
00:23:08.59\00:23:11.43
what is happening, you want
someone with personal integrity.
00:23:11.46\00:23:15.62
You want someone
who has uprightness.
00:23:15.65\00:23:18.53
It's not just
about getting married.
00:23:18.56\00:23:22.20
It's not just
about falling in love.
00:23:22.21\00:23:24.60
It's not just about
saying, "Well, I'm desperate
00:23:24.61\00:23:27.48
and this is the
best I can find. "
00:23:27.51\00:23:29.52
Those are not the issues.
00:23:29.55\00:23:31.05
If it's the best you can
find and it's not good enough,
00:23:31.08\00:23:33.67
it might be to your detriment.
00:23:33.70\00:23:36.04
So take the time out
to look for moral values.
00:23:36.07\00:23:40.74
You want an
individual who is competent,
00:23:40.75\00:23:43.61
an individual who will
stand for right principles.
00:23:43.64\00:23:46.85
Because we're living in a
society, June, we're living
00:23:46.88\00:23:49.68
in an age now where people
seem to be dismissing those
00:23:49.71\00:23:54.10
and saying, "Well
that's not important. "
00:23:54.13\00:23:55.63
Or, "If the person doesn't
have it when I marry them,
00:23:55.66\00:23:58.54
I will let them have it.
00:23:58.57\00:23:59.96
I'll make them,
I'll teach them. "
00:23:59.99\00:24:01.38
Is that
possible? Will that happen?
00:24:01.41\00:24:03.48
It is possible that you can
give feedback and the person
00:24:03.58\00:24:05.97
could choose to learn
what they need to learn.
00:24:05.98\00:24:08.24
But usually,
that's not how it works.
00:24:08.25\00:24:10.04
They come with their
package and they're going to be
00:24:10.07\00:24:11.94
who they are, to a large extent.
00:24:11.97\00:24:13.42
And if it's not good
before, it's probably going
00:24:13.45\00:24:16.43
to get worse after.
00:24:16.46\00:24:17.49
What about intellectual values?
00:24:17.52\00:24:19.70
I think that
those are important.
00:24:19.73\00:24:21.02
The person
should be progressive.
00:24:21.05\00:24:22.48
You know, if you're
going to marry somebody who has
00:24:22.51\00:24:24.34
no interest in improving
themselves or improving the
00:24:24.37\00:24:27.99
the conditions of their
life, then that's what you're
00:24:28.02\00:24:30.52
going to be settling for.
00:24:30.55\00:24:31.54
So the person
should have some skill.
00:24:31.57\00:24:33.51
Now they may not have a college
degree, but they may have a
00:24:33.52\00:24:37.24
skill, a trade or something that
they can be compensated for.
00:24:37.27\00:24:41.02
So that, it is
important to think, "I love you,
00:24:41.05\00:24:44.45
but you have to be able
to take care of a family. "
00:24:44.48\00:24:46.68
Love is not enough
at the end of the month
00:24:46.71\00:24:48.75
when the mortgage is to be paid,
or the food has to be bought,
00:24:48.78\00:24:52.12
or the
children's tuition is due.
00:24:52.15\00:24:53.91
So that individual whom you're
choosing to be a life partner
00:24:53.94\00:24:56.78
must be able to hold
down a job and to take care of
00:24:56.79\00:25:01.80
his family or her family.
00:25:01.83\00:25:03.40
But I hear some spouses
say, and often times they
00:25:03.43\00:25:07.21
bring this up and say,
"Well, even if they can't
00:25:07.24\00:25:10.51
hold a job down, and
even if they don't have a job,
00:25:10.54\00:25:13.83
I'm working enough and that
can take care of the finances. "
00:25:13.86\00:25:20.11
So many young
people make that mistake.
00:25:20.14\00:25:21.75
They think that
because they are able to work,
00:25:21.78\00:25:24.49
that the other
person doesn't have to.
00:25:24.52\00:25:27.05
But eventually one
thing into the relationship,
00:25:27.08\00:25:29.39
I found at least with
the people that I work with
00:25:29.42\00:25:31.43
as clients, it doesn't work.
00:25:31.46\00:25:33.33
You expect that your
partner must be productive.
00:25:33.36\00:25:36.39
And it's not going to be a good
thing for you to go out to work
00:25:36.42\00:25:38.57
every day and your
partner is home watching TV
00:25:38.60\00:25:41.04
or gone to play
golf or something.
00:25:41.07\00:25:43.65
You have to contribute to
the livelihood of the family.
00:25:43.68\00:25:47.34
The irony about that scenario
is that it works within the
00:25:47.37\00:25:50.91
first few months or maybe
years of the relationship.
00:25:50.94\00:25:54.78
But afterwards, now when
reality sets in, it starts
00:25:54.81\00:25:59.33
acting on your nerves
and it creates more problems.
00:25:59.36\00:26:01.89
Plus it's an expensive
venture to raise a family.
00:26:01.92\00:26:04.00
And in order to provide
the resources for sustenance
00:26:04.03\00:26:08.02
and survival, it takes
pretty much two career incomes.
00:26:08.05\00:26:11.51
So on whatever level you
can contribute, you should think
00:26:11.54\00:26:15.55
carefully about
the choice you make.
00:26:15.58\00:26:17.57
Finally, we have to
talk about spiritual values.
00:26:17.60\00:26:20.64
Often times, people
neglect spiritual values.
00:26:20.67\00:26:24.19
Sometimes they say,
"The Lord understands. "
00:26:24.22\00:26:27.15
Or they're thinking, "Well
afterwards, I can come back. "
00:26:27.18\00:26:32.04
But spiritual value is
an important ingredient,
00:26:32.07\00:26:35.53
an important component
when we're talking about
00:26:35.56\00:26:38.30
mate selection.
00:26:38.33\00:26:39.48
What I hear many young people
say is that they just can't
00:26:39.51\00:26:43.07
find competent and
capable spiritual partners.
00:26:43.10\00:26:46.98
And the reality is, I would say,
if you go to purchase something
00:26:47.01\00:26:52.62
like a pair of shoes or
a dress or something that
00:26:52.65\00:26:55.17
you're looking for, and
you can't find what you're
00:26:55.20\00:26:56.91
looking for,
then you keep looking.
00:26:56.92\00:26:58.68
You go to the next store and
you go to maybe the next town.
00:26:58.71\00:27:01.70
But the reality is, you
don't just buy something,
00:27:01.73\00:27:03.98
because you want what you want.
00:27:04.01\00:27:05.78
I believe that God has
left us the instructions that
00:27:05.81\00:27:10.24
will make us happy and
make our lives fulfilled.
00:27:10.27\00:27:12.20
And if we follow His plan,
we're likely to find happiness.
00:27:12.23\00:27:15.80
So we're to ask questions like,
does this person love the Lord?
00:27:15.83\00:27:19.80
We're to ask, is this person
a baptized member of your faith?
00:27:19.83\00:27:24.55
Does this person have a
relationship with Jesus Christ?
00:27:24.58\00:27:30.35
It is always important.
00:27:30.36\00:27:31.99
You see, Sampson made
that horrible mistake.
00:27:32.02\00:27:35.04
He thought love was enough.
00:27:35.07\00:27:36.50
And the story is pathetic.
00:27:36.53\00:27:39.32
The woman he loved ended up
causing him to lose his eyes.
00:27:39.35\00:27:44.08
Do not allow anyone
that you love that badly
00:27:44.11\00:27:47.02
cause you to lose your sight.
00:27:47.05\00:27:49.23
You must trust God
with your mate selection.
00:27:49.26\00:27:53.06
Trust Him.
00:27:53.09\00:27:54.11
Love is never enough.
00:27:54.14\00:27:55.89
Jesus Christ is
there to be with you.
00:27:55.92\00:27:58.36
We pray that God will
strengthen you and bless you.
00:27:58.39\00:28:01.52