Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000074
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June. 00:37 June works with families. 00:40 She's a licensed clinician and she's going to talk to us about 00:45 an important topic, Rejection. 00:48 Well, maybe I should say we are going to talk about 00:51 this important topic, Rejection. 00:53 Now, nobody wants to be rejected. 00:57 At no point in one's life do we want to experience rejection. 01:02 Yet we all have experienced rejection 01:05 at one point or another, whether as a child growing up, 01:09 as a young adult, or as a married person. 01:13 Rejection is a painful thing. 01:16 Talk to us about how does one feel, what's happening to me 01:20 when I'm going through my rejection. 01:24 As the word suggests, you experience a 01:27 sense of abandonment. 01:29 You think that you are less than special. 01:33 And it just leaves you with a very low emotional ebb. 01:37 So it is something that pushes people in what we would call 01:42 the deep end, the far end. 01:45 I'm going to share with you some statements and I want you to 01:48 tell our listening audience whether you consider 01:51 these statements to be true or false. 01:54 For example, if someone is in a relationship that is not 01:57 going well and they feel like the person is about to 02:01 reject them, to abandon them, if they try harder and 02:05 really, really try harder, that might reduce their chance 02:09 of being rejected. 02:10 I would say that is likely to be false. 02:14 Because when rejection occurs, you're not the person doing the 02:18 rejection; you're being rejected. 02:19 So sometimes it really doesn't matter how hard you try 02:22 because it's not about you. 02:23 It's about what's going on in the mind of the other person. 02:27 If I'm in an abusive relationship 02:32 and I say to myself, "Well, if I hang in there, 02:37 if I stay and accept the abuse, this may lessen my chance 02:43 of being rejected later on. 02:46 You could say that you're caught between the devil 02:48 and the deep blue sea. 02:50 Because we're saying rejection is painful and if you're 02:52 about to be rejected and/or if you need to escape the abuse, 02:56 you need to leave, then that's what you're going to face. 02:58 But to stay in an abusive relationship... 03:01 To avoid rejection. 03:02 ...is just not what you want to do. 03:04 There's no reason that is justified to 03:07 stay in a relationship. 03:08 But because we're talking about rejection... 03:11 That is abusive. 03:12 Yes, to stay in an abusive relationship. 03:14 But what I'm getting at here is, to say that I will accept abuse 03:21 so as not to be rejected, something is wrong 03:24 with that concept. 03:25 That thinking. 03:26 But which is the lesser of the two evils? 03:29 I think both are equally hurtful, so that... 03:33 But I have to make a choice. 03:35 No you don't have to make a choice. 03:36 I would think if you are... 03:38 If I don't make a choice, I stay in the relationship. 03:40 Well, the choice is not to stay in the abuse 03:42 and the choice is not to... 03:44 You don't have a choice of rejection. 03:45 If the person is going to reject you, what choice do you have? 03:48 Okay. 03:50 Now, what if one should say, the rejected person, 03:57 if they stay and fight more and fight harder 04:01 to keep the relationship, then it might work out. 04:05 Now, if you perceive that there is something that you should 04:08 be doing in your role in the relationship that you're 04:12 not doing, then you should do it. 04:14 But if you're having problems in your relationship 04:17 or if the other person, for whatever their reason is, 04:21 is going to reject you, again, you don't have much choice. 04:25 So I think that the point we want to make is that 04:28 reject is something that is done to you 04:30 and it is not something that you're causing to happen. 04:33 So I'm hearing you saying then that I should not have, 04:36 I should not take on this self blame 04:39 where I start telling myself, it's because of who I am, 04:44 why I am being rejected. 04:45 If was in a relationship and it didn't work out, 04:48 I start blaming myself. 04:50 If honestly I did not contribute to the 04:54 breakup of the relationship. 04:56 But often times, people tend to look at themselves and 04:59 see themselves as the problem when it's not necessarily so. 05:02 They're just trying to justify the rejection. 05:04 Now if for some reason there was something you did 05:07 that may have contributed to the person's decision 05:09 to walk away from the relationship, 05:11 then if it's not something you can remedy and the person 05:15 has made that choice, the reality is the person has 05:19 walked away or is going to walk away. 05:21 It doesn't mean your life is over. 05:23 You can move on and live beyond a rejection. 05:26 Let's talk about some manifestations of rejection. 05:29 There are certain things that occur with an individual. 05:32 For example, depression is a likely one. 05:36 It's almost automatic that at one stage or another 05:40 an individual is going to get into a depressive mood 05:44 if they're being rejected. 05:46 When you're in a relationship, you are hopefully experiencing 05:49 acceptance and love and attention and affection, 05:53 and all that goes with a relationship. 05:55 And so when that's taken away from you, it depresses. 05:58 It pushes you down and your spirit is not buoyed up. 06:02 And yes, you really just don't want to deal. 06:05 That's what is feels like. 06:07 I have seen individuals who, because of their rejection, 06:11 they don't want to come out of the house. 06:13 It's like they have developed this social phobia. 06:16 They don't want to go to public functions, 06:18 they stay away from weddings, and those kind of a thing. 06:22 Social phobia is one of the manifestations 06:26 of being rejected. 06:27 When you are not feeling good about yourself 06:30 and when you feel like the world has turned, 06:33 you know, one of the things that happens in rejection is 06:35 a generalization of your emotions. 06:38 And so because you're not feeling buoyant and buoyed up, 06:42 you think that everyone else is seeing you through those eyes. 06:46 And so you don't want to be around people. 06:48 You withdraw, you isolate, you wallow in self pity. 06:51 And you just don't want to go into public places as much. 06:54 Is this where over generalization of the situation 06:59 might come into play here? 07:01 That certainly happens at times where the person projects 07:06 what they're internalizing to their externals or unto others. 07:12 And so they think that their lenses are viewed, 07:15 or other people are viewing them through their lenses. 07:19 You know what I have noticed also in working with individuals 07:22 who have experienced rejection is that they 07:24 catastrophize a lot. 07:26 They not only over generalize, but they catastrophize 07:30 and everything they see in this awfulizing manner. 07:33 "Oh, things will never ever get better. " 07:36 Some say, "I will never love again. " 07:38 They just, you know, everything is bad. 07:42 The emotions spill over because, again, you feel that way. 07:46 And your thoughts, of course, drives your feelings. 07:49 And if that's how you're thinking, then that's 07:51 what you're going to feel. 07:52 But then that leads you to self denigrate. 07:55 You beat up on yourself. 07:57 You're just never the wonderful person and special person 08:01 that you really are. 08:02 And you begin to think that you're not worth as much. 08:04 If not, you would not be rejected. 08:06 And I notice also that sometimes people see the world 08:11 in black and white. 08:12 Why is this happening now? 08:14 Why is the world, there is no gray area for them? 08:16 I think it's a function of the depression. 08:18 You know it's either, I'm going to be loved, or I am not good. 08:22 It's either, life is going the way I need it to go, 08:26 or it will never ever get better. 08:28 So it's difficult for them to see that there is hope and 08:31 that things will improve and there will be other chances. 08:34 And everything tends to be either one or the other. 08:37 Unfortunately, some people never recover from the rejection. 08:42 Some years ago in my ministry, I came home to find a letter 08:47 underneath my door and it read, "Dear Pastor, come quickly. 08:53 If you don't come, you will read about me. " 08:56 We went there and we found a young lady who, 09:00 because of her rejection, had just overdosed herself. 09:05 Luckily, we got there in time. 09:07 But the fact is, she wanted to commit suicide. 09:12 She wanted to end it. 09:14 Is that one of the signs, the manifestations, 09:19 of a rejected person? 09:21 That happens frequently where they give up on themselves 09:26 and they think that, "If I don't have what I want 09:30 or because I was treated this way, my life is over. 09:33 It's not worth living. " 09:34 And they mentally and emotionally tell themselves 09:38 and they feel these experiences, these emotions. 09:40 And yes, they give up on themselves, and they have 09:42 either the ideations of committing suicide or they 09:45 actually move on to develop a plan to commit suicide. 09:49 It is said that suicide is the eleventh cause of death 09:54 in the United States. 09:56 And the statistic is there around the world as well 10:00 that suicide is very high. 10:02 But what we have discovered, research is showing that 10:04 a lot of these individuals who go on to commit suicide or 10:09 who have the suicidal ideation, they went through some 10:12 form of rejection. 10:14 How they feel, there's some rationalization for suicide. 10:19 You know, it's amazing how this happens in relationships. 10:23 But even in, you would say, common friendships 10:27 or in schools. 10:29 You send your child to school, the child doesn't fit in 10:31 for whatever the reason is, and the child experiences rejection. 10:34 And that could lead the child to become an isolate 10:38 and then respond negatively. 10:41 We had the incidence in the Virginia Tech shooting 10:44 and in the Columbine shooting. 10:46 All of these school shootings that have occurred recently, 10:48 that was actually what really happened to these young people. 10:51 The research on their families showed that the students felt 10:56 they were rejected by their peers 10:57 and they were bullied or made fun of, and social outcasts. 11:02 And they turned their rage outside and eventually 11:05 tried to hurt who they perceived to be the source of their pain. 11:09 I actually dealt with a case like that where the young man 11:13 was at school and they called him a misfit and weirdo 11:18 just because of how he dressed. 11:20 And as a result, he told himself that he was going to get even. 11:24 And he went home and went on the internet and researched 11:27 how to commit the perfect crime. 11:29 And actually attempted to carry that out. 11:33 So many young people resort to that when they feel rejected. 11:37 And what tends to happen here is that they perceive 11:40 this deep emotional hopelessness. 11:44 And in their minds, "If I am going to be treated that way, 11:47 then I am going to revenge society. 11:49 I'm going to revenge somebody else. " 11:51 And/or they will turn the rage in and they hurt themselves 11:55 because now they think, "I am not worthy. 11:58 I'm not worth living. Live is over. " 12:00 "So people are better off without me and the world is 12:03 better off without me because I have caused pain, 12:06 I have caused hurt, I have this... " 12:08 They see themselves as nothing and they conclude that, 12:12 "Well, society is better off without me, so I will end it. " 12:17 But I want you to speak to our listeners out there. 12:20 Is society ever better off? The world ever? 12:23 Is that a conclusion that an individual should make 12:27 on their own life? 12:28 That's what we call an irrational idea. 12:30 When you are upset, when you feel rejected or you get 12:33 depressed and you get sad emotions, it's a natural 12:36 response to people who feel pain. 12:39 But no, it is never a good thing or ever a good thing 12:43 to think about taking your life. 12:46 Your life is a gift from God. 12:48 God loves you even when everyone else rejects you. 12:51 So yes, you should never ever. Suicide is never an option. 12:56 We're talking about rejection. 12:58 And we have a lot more to say on this topic. 13:01 It's very important. 13:02 What are the steps that you should take if you are rejected? 13:05 Possibly, you were in a relationship and 13:09 it did not work out. 13:10 You're hurting at this moment. 13:12 You are feeling pain. Maybe you're crying. 13:13 Maybe at this moment, you're listening to us, you're crying. 13:16 What can you do? How can you survive? 13:19 How can you pick up the broken pieces and move on? 13:22 We're going to talk about all of that when we come back. 13:24 So make sure you stay with us because we want to 13:27 continue this discussion. 13:35 There are many "How To" books available, 13:38 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:41 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:43 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:47 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:50 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:53 and everyone in between. 13:55 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:08 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:11 Alanzo and I have been talking about rejection. 14:14 I'm sure many of you have experienced this 14:18 or know someone who has. 14:21 We are saying that rejection is painful. 14:26 No one wants to be rejected. 14:28 Yet we all have experienced rejection 14:30 at one point or another. 14:32 If you have been rejected, if you're experiencing rejection 14:36 right at this moment, what might you do? 14:38 Here are some steps that we want to share with you. 14:41 First of all, we are saying you must believe in yourself. 14:47 You can't self blame. 14:50 You have to believe in yourself. 14:52 And you must believe in your God. 14:55 That is the first step you must take when you're 14:58 experiencing rejection. 15:00 If your emotions are getting the better part of you and 15:03 you feel sad, and depressed even, get help. 15:08 This is not likely to just go away by wishing it away. 15:12 Call someone, reach out, get a counselor, 15:16 a pastor, someone to talk to. 15:18 Now June, sometimes people feel like they have to 15:25 run after the person. 15:27 Sometimes people feel that, "This rejection is too intensive 15:32 and so I will do anything to get back the individual. " 15:36 Is this a good thing? 15:37 Should you ever run after someone begging and 15:39 pleading with them, "Please come back. 15:41 I'll do whatever you want. " 15:42 Should we? Should one do that? 15:44 I think it depends on the relationship. 15:46 For example, if it's a marriage and there are children, 15:49 and there are deep emotional investments, 15:52 and there's a slight misunderstanding, 15:55 and the person, you know, one party decides to walk away, 15:58 maybe some negotiation might open up their irrational 16:02 thoughts and get them to see that the decision they're making 16:05 is not the right thing. 16:06 But if the person has totally cut loose and the divorce 16:09 has occurred and they have moved on, then you need 16:12 to move on as well. 16:13 Trying to run after them and keep this going 16:16 is only going to prolong your pain. 16:18 The quicker you put closure to that and accept the reality 16:21 of what happened, the faster your healing will occur. 16:26 What if it's not a marriage but, you know, we were lovers. 16:30 We were looking towards engagement and marriage. 16:33 Or maybe we were even engaged and, you know, 16:35 the whole stigma of breaking up and what people will say 16:39 and all of that thing. 16:40 Should I take the position like I say to my spouse, 16:43 "Okay, I'll do whatever you want? 16:45 Part of what broke up the relationship, they wanted 16:47 me to compromise certain values. 16:50 I decided I would not compromise and they decided to walk away. 16:54 And I said, 'Okay, don't walk away. 16:55 I'll do what you want. '" 16:57 That is not recommended. 16:59 It is not likely that you are ever going to be happy 17:02 when you're compromising your values. 17:04 So you have to decide which is more important. 17:07 Is it better for you to do what God wants you to do 17:11 and stay faithful to God, or to run after this person 17:16 who promises you a castle? 17:19 So no, I think to put yourself in a vulnerable place 17:23 is only setting yourself up for further rejection. 17:26 I was just going to say too that we should talk about the 17:28 psychology of compromise. 17:30 Because if you have to compromise certain values, 17:34 certain things prior to the marriage, then when 17:39 you are married, don't think you will not have to 17:42 continue to compromise. 17:43 And where does it stop? 17:44 There's a psychology behind it there. 17:47 So if you can't stand for them now, you won't stand for them 17:52 after you're married. 17:53 And you will still have more problems. 17:54 You never compromise on principles. 17:57 Steps to take when you're experiencing rejection denial. 18:02 Stop the denial. 18:05 Accept the reality of your given situation, whatever it is. 18:09 If it's over, it's over. 18:11 If the person said they are finished, they're finished. 18:13 And I don't think we're trying to minimize people's pain. 18:18 Because rejection is painful. 18:20 Rejection brings tears. 18:23 Rejection brings brokenness and heartache. 18:27 So we're not trying to minimize your pain, but we're saying 18:31 we can't keep you in the pain. 18:32 We can't keep you in that stupor. 18:34 You have to rise above the pain. 18:36 You have to pick up the broken pieces and move on. 18:39 So what we are saying is that God loves you even though 18:42 your lover has rejected you. 18:44 And life exists after a rejection. 18:48 So you might, as I said, feel sleepy, you don't want to 18:52 get out of bed. 18:53 You just want to cover yourself away from society, 18:56 from your friends. 18:57 You shut off your phone. You don't want to make contact. 19:00 That's not what you want to do. 19:02 You want to do quite the reverse. 19:04 Receive love from others. 19:06 Reach out for support from the people that are still 19:09 significant in your life. 19:10 Even if a lover rejects you, your mother is still there 19:12 or a friend that you may have other than your lover. 19:15 Reach out to these people who wish you well. 19:18 If no one else, call your pastor. 19:21 Talk to a spiritual advisor who can assist you in reframing 19:25 and putting your mind back in the right place. 19:27 So I'm hearing you saying then, don't allow your 19:32 life to go down. 19:33 Don't allow yourself to... 19:36 You start to starve yourself, or you over eat, 19:41 or you don't want to take care of yourself anymore. 19:45 You don't feel like buying a new dress or a new suit, 19:49 or whatever it is, you don't feel like doing anything. 19:51 You don't put yourself together when you're going out in public. 19:54 It's strange too because I think that this is the time 19:59 when you should start looking good. 20:00 This is the time when you should fix yourself up. 20:02 Because if somebody turns their back upon you or rejects you, 20:06 you should not throw yourself away. 20:08 You're still someone of worth and value. 20:10 The reality is, it's the natural response to a rejection. 20:13 When depression sets in, that's how your mind 20:17 and your emotions work. 20:19 But what we are saying is, you have to fight against that. 20:22 Provide some time for mourning. 20:25 There is appropriate mourning after a relationship. 20:27 If it ended and it was meaningful and significant, 20:30 as John Bob has said, it is like a physical amputation. 20:34 You have lost something very physical that was real. 20:37 Your emotions, your mind, and everything was invested in this. 20:40 So you provide a time for mourning. 20:43 But you then put that in a safe place 20:46 and move on after a period of time. 20:48 Because your life goes on. 20:50 Now think about it. 20:52 The person who rejected you, quite likely for somebody else, 20:55 has moved on. 20:56 And he's not doubt, or she's not doubt, 20:59 happy doing whatever they're choosing to do. 21:01 Why should you sit and think about hurting yourself 21:04 or cutting yourself off from your lifeline? 21:07 That's just irrational thinking. 21:09 So after your period of mourning, which shouldn't be 21:11 very long either, you know, that creates dysfunction, 21:14 move forward. 21:16 There comes a time after you have done all of what 21:20 you're saying, that one has to insulate himself, 21:25 insulate herself, against rejection. 21:29 What might be some of these insulations? 21:34 One of the things that happens in relationships, 21:36 sometimes we have what we call controlling individuals. 21:39 And they cut you off from your network of supportive friends. 21:43 And that's not a good thing. 21:45 Because God forbid they should walk away from you. 21:49 You're left with no one. 21:50 So we encourage individuals to bond with people. 21:54 God gives us wonderful people in our lives. 21:57 Treat them well. 21:59 Establish these networks. 22:00 Build a relationship, we call it a scaffold, around you. 22:04 So God forbid something like this were to happen, 22:06 there are people there who can hug you and reach out to you 22:10 and give you hope and give you meaning in your life. 22:13 Another thing you can do when dealing with rejection 22:17 is to establish a reason for living. 22:21 Look at your life and say, "Okay, this has happened 22:25 and it's painful, but do I need to go on living?" 22:29 The answer is "yes," you need to go on living. 22:33 And then you say, well if you have children 22:36 or you have a child, you say, "I have to keep living 22:39 for my child. " 22:40 You may have a mother that is depending on you. 22:44 "I have to go on living for my mother or my father. " 22:47 You may have a career that you're doing well in. 22:50 "I have to go on. " 22:51 Establish a reason for living. 22:53 Do not see the world as falling apart. 22:57 Something has happened. 22:58 Something horrible, something painful. 23:00 We're not taking that away from you. 23:02 But we're saying, life goes on and so do you. 23:05 You have to keep moving on. 23:06 When you are rejected, you do get to a point 23:11 where your self worth and the confidence you have in yourself, 23:15 the self efficacy, is shot and you feel less than special 23:19 or even less than capable. 23:21 So here's a competent person who goes to work and functions 23:25 and is able to perform and produce effort, feeling like, 23:30 "I am not worth much. " 23:33 And they are likely to fall apart. 23:36 So in order to remedy this, you have to stimulate, 23:40 re-engage, your thinking to appreciate the value 23:45 and the strength that you have. 23:47 And go within yourself, and by God's grace, 23:49 pull out the best that you have. 23:51 Because the fact that a person walked away from you 23:54 doesn't mean your life is over. 23:55 You still have your talents, you still have your competences, 23:58 and you can pick up the pieces. 24:01 "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. " 24:06 You know as you say that, it's quite apropos for us to 24:11 tell our listeners that some of them need to 24:15 reconnect with their faith. 24:17 Unfortunately, but it is true, that sometimes the relationship 24:20 you got yourself in, you drifted away from God. 24:25 You drifted away from that spiritual connection 24:30 that you had with God. 24:31 And the fact that you're being rejected does not mean that 24:33 God is chastising you. 24:35 So don't stay away any longer. 24:36 Go back and reconnect your faith and re-establish your faith 24:40 with Him, because He will never leave you nor forsake you. 24:44 It's interesting that you said that because I just had a 24:47 conversation with a young woman last week. 24:49 She was 24 years old and she was rejected 24:52 by her boyfriend of six years. 24:54 And they met out of high school. 24:57 And here was this relationship going on, 24:58 she has now finished college. 24:59 And just at the point when she thought that, you know, 25:02 they could move to the next step, he turned his back, 25:05 as it were, and she claimed, dumped her. 25:07 She was devastated, depressed, and suicidal. 25:11 And that was exactly how she responded. 25:14 She just cut herself off from God, 25:16 cut herself off from going to church. 25:18 She felt like, "How could God allow this? 25:20 I followed His precepts by finding somebody 25:23 who was of my faith. 25:25 I did all the right things. 25:26 And now look at what has happened. " 25:28 And thank God we had a conversation. 25:30 At the end of it she realized that, 25:32 "God loves you just the same. " 25:34 In fact, He desires only what is in your best interest. 25:38 And she was able to re-think her position and start 25:42 reconnecting again. 25:43 So it's a natural response sometimes for young people 25:46 to think that God made this happen. 25:49 And so they revenge by staying away from God. 25:52 Never a good decision. 25:53 Think positively. 25:56 Tell yourself that it will get better. 25:59 Tell yourself that, using the words of the poet, 26:02 "It's better to have loved and lost than never 26:04 to have loved at all. " 26:05 You know, take that for what it's worth. 26:07 But the idea is, move on with your life. 26:10 There is tomorrow, by the grace of God. 26:12 There is another day, by the grace of God. 26:15 Think positively, be optimistic. 26:17 See your best self as having a better tomorrow. 26:22 So don't panic, stay in control, all is not lost. 26:26 And if you can't help yourself, then get help. 26:28 Now there are problems that will arise. 26:31 You may have to relocate, you may have to find another job. 26:34 You may have to find another place to live. 26:36 But the reality is, those are problems that can be solved. 26:39 Whatever it is, stay in control. 26:42 Take charge of your life. Move on. 26:45 And remember, God will never reject you 26:49 and will never forsake you. 26:51 You know, we have been talking to you about rejection. 26:54 And the ultimate form of rejection comes when we 26:58 reject our covenant God. 26:59 I want you to understand the pain that comes, 27:02 as a human being, when you are rejected by your spouse. 27:07 And then take that and translate it into the pain we cause God 27:11 when we reject Him. 27:12 Some of you listening to me right now, 27:15 you have rejected God. 27:16 You have walked away from Him. 27:18 You have turned your back upon Him. 27:20 Rejection is painful. 27:22 Rejection is never ever a nice thing. 27:25 And just as how you do not want to be rejected, 27:28 so too you must not reject your heavenly Father. 27:31 You remember when the people rejected God. 27:35 Samuel thought it was him. 27:37 And God said, "No Samuel, they have not rejected you 27:40 as being king over Israel. 27:42 They have rejected Me. " 27:43 Let us not find ourselves in that same trap 27:47 as the children of Israel. 27:49 Let us accept God as our loving Father. 27:51 Let us serve Him. 27:53 And if you are experiencing any form of rejection, 27:55 take it to that God. 27:57 He will give you the strength, 27:58 and yes, He will give you the comfort. 28:01 Have faith in God. |
Revised 2014-12-17