Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:00:30.54\00:00:33.86
I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June.
00:00:33.89\00:00:37.60
June works with families.
00:00:37.63\00:00:40.14
She's a licensed clinician and
she's going to talk to us about
00:00:40.15\00:00:45.19
an important topic, Rejection.
00:00:45.20\00:00:47.99
Well, maybe I should say
we are going to talk about
00:00:48.02\00:00:51.01
this important topic, Rejection.
00:00:51.04\00:00:53.95
Now, nobody
wants to be rejected.
00:00:53.98\00:00:57.74
At no point in one's life do
we want to experience rejection.
00:00:57.77\00:01:02.44
Yet we all have
experienced rejection
00:01:02.45\00:01:05.12
at one point or another,
whether as a child growing up,
00:01:05.15\00:01:09.64
as a young adult,
or as a married person.
00:01:09.67\00:01:13.41
Rejection is a painful thing.
00:01:13.44\00:01:16.63
Talk to us about how does
one feel, what's happening to me
00:01:16.66\00:01:20.46
when I'm going
through my rejection.
00:01:20.49\00:01:24.12
As the word
suggests, you experience a
00:01:24.15\00:01:27.66
sense of abandonment.
00:01:27.69\00:01:29.09
You think that you
are less than special.
00:01:29.12\00:01:33.14
And it just leaves you
with a very low emotional ebb.
00:01:33.17\00:01:37.56
So it is something that pushes
people in what we would call
00:01:37.59\00:01:42.68
the deep end, the far end.
00:01:42.71\00:01:44.97
I'm going to share with you some
statements and I want you to
00:01:44.98\00:01:48.13
tell our listening
audience whether you consider
00:01:48.16\00:01:51.38
these statements
to be true or false.
00:01:51.39\00:01:54.55
For example, if someone is
in a relationship that is not
00:01:54.58\00:01:57.72
going well and they feel
like the person is about to
00:01:57.75\00:02:01.63
reject them, to abandon
them, if they try harder and
00:02:01.66\00:02:05.24
really, really try harder,
that might reduce their chance
00:02:05.27\00:02:09.26
of being rejected.
00:02:09.29\00:02:10.44
I would say that
is likely to be false.
00:02:10.47\00:02:14.34
Because when rejection occurs,
you're not the person doing the
00:02:14.37\00:02:18.13
rejection;
you're being rejected.
00:02:18.14\00:02:19.76
So sometimes it really
doesn't matter how hard you try
00:02:19.79\00:02:22.63
because it's not about you.
00:02:22.66\00:02:23.90
It's about what's going on
in the mind of the other person.
00:02:23.93\00:02:27.32
If I'm in an
abusive relationship
00:02:27.35\00:02:32.45
and I say to myself,
"Well, if I hang in there,
00:02:32.48\00:02:37.47
if I stay and accept the
abuse, this may lessen my chance
00:02:37.50\00:02:43.32
of being rejected later on.
00:02:43.35\00:02:46.00
You could say that
you're caught between the devil
00:02:46.03\00:02:48.91
and the deep blue sea.
00:02:48.94\00:02:49.96
Because we're saying rejection
is painful and if you're
00:02:49.99\00:02:52.66
about to be rejected and/or
if you need to escape the abuse,
00:02:52.69\00:02:56.05
you need to leave, then that's
what you're going to face.
00:02:56.08\00:02:58.39
But to stay in an
abusive relationship...
00:02:58.42\00:03:01.27
To avoid rejection.
00:03:01.30\00:03:02.87
...is just not
what you want to do.
00:03:02.90\00:03:04.31
There's no reason
that is justified to
00:03:04.34\00:03:07.39
stay in a relationship.
00:03:07.42\00:03:08.69
But because we're
talking about rejection...
00:03:08.72\00:03:11.26
That is abusive.
00:03:11.30\00:03:12.33
Yes, to stay in an
abusive relationship.
00:03:12.37\00:03:14.71
But what I'm getting at here is,
to say that I will accept abuse
00:03:14.74\00:03:21.57
so as not to be
rejected, something is wrong
00:03:21.60\00:03:24.43
with that concept.
00:03:24.46\00:03:25.52
That thinking.
00:03:25.55\00:03:26.60
But which is the
lesser of the two evils?
00:03:26.63\00:03:28.65
I think both are
equally hurtful, so that...
00:03:29.61\00:03:33.77
But I have to make a choice.
00:03:33.80\00:03:35.06
No you don't
have to make a choice.
00:03:35.09\00:03:36.67
I would think if you are...
00:03:36.70\00:03:37.97
If I don't make a choice,
I stay in the relationship.
00:03:38.00\00:03:40.25
Well, the choice is
not to stay in the abuse
00:03:40.28\00:03:42.63
and the choice is not to...
00:03:42.66\00:03:44.03
You don't have a
choice of rejection.
00:03:44.06\00:03:45.76
If the person is going to reject
you, what choice do you have?
00:03:45.79\00:03:48.79
Okay.
00:03:48.82\00:03:49.82
Now, what if one should
say, the rejected person,
00:03:50.52\00:03:57.58
if they stay and
fight more and fight harder
00:03:57.61\00:04:01.71
to keep the relationship,
then it might work out.
00:04:01.74\00:04:04.97
Now, if you perceive that there
is something that you should
00:04:05.71\00:04:08.95
be doing in your role in
the relationship that you're
00:04:08.98\00:04:12.03
not doing, then
you should do it.
00:04:12.06\00:04:14.44
But if you're having
problems in your relationship
00:04:14.47\00:04:17.61
or if the other person,
for whatever their reason is,
00:04:17.64\00:04:21.13
is going to reject you, again,
you don't have much choice.
00:04:21.16\00:04:25.57
So I think that the
point we want to make is that
00:04:25.60\00:04:28.21
reject is
something that is done to you
00:04:28.24\00:04:30.33
and it is not something
that you're causing to happen.
00:04:30.36\00:04:33.06
So I'm hearing you saying
then that I should not have,
00:04:33.07\00:04:36.75
I should not take
on this self blame
00:04:36.76\00:04:39.61
where I start telling myself,
it's because of who I am,
00:04:39.64\00:04:44.00
why I am being rejected.
00:04:44.03\00:04:45.49
If was in a relationship
and it didn't work out,
00:04:45.52\00:04:48.13
I start blaming myself.
00:04:48.16\00:04:50.38
If honestly I did
not contribute to the
00:04:50.41\00:04:54.85
breakup of the relationship.
00:04:54.88\00:04:56.18
But often times, people
tend to look at themselves and
00:04:56.21\00:04:59.44
see themselves as the problem
when it's not necessarily so.
00:04:59.47\00:05:02.85
They're just trying
to justify the rejection.
00:05:02.88\00:05:04.50
Now if for some reason
there was something you did
00:05:04.53\00:05:07.22
that may have contributed
to the person's decision
00:05:07.23\00:05:09.85
to walk away
from the relationship,
00:05:09.86\00:05:11.59
then if it's not something
you can remedy and the person
00:05:11.62\00:05:15.20
has made that choice,
the reality is the person has
00:05:15.23\00:05:19.23
walked away or is
going to walk away.
00:05:19.26\00:05:21.40
It doesn't mean
your life is over.
00:05:21.43\00:05:23.30
You can move on and
live beyond a rejection.
00:05:23.33\00:05:26.56
Let's talk about some
manifestations of rejection.
00:05:26.59\00:05:29.76
There are certain things
that occur with an individual.
00:05:29.79\00:05:32.42
For example,
depression is a likely one.
00:05:32.45\00:05:36.28
It's almost automatic
that at one stage or another
00:05:36.31\00:05:40.58
an individual is going to
get into a depressive mood
00:05:40.61\00:05:44.49
if they're being rejected.
00:05:44.52\00:05:46.10
When you're in a relationship,
you are hopefully experiencing
00:05:46.13\00:05:49.32
acceptance and love and
attention and affection,
00:05:49.33\00:05:53.51
and all that goes
with a relationship.
00:05:53.54\00:05:55.34
And so when that's taken
away from you, it depresses.
00:05:55.37\00:05:58.46
It pushes you down and
your spirit is not buoyed up.
00:05:58.50\00:06:02.36
And yes, you really
just don't want to deal.
00:06:02.39\00:06:05.51
That's what is feels like.
00:06:05.54\00:06:07.00
I have seen individuals
who, because of their rejection,
00:06:07.03\00:06:11.71
they don't want to
come out of the house.
00:06:11.74\00:06:13.61
It's like they have
developed this social phobia.
00:06:13.64\00:06:16.49
They don't want to
go to public functions,
00:06:16.52\00:06:18.40
they stay away from weddings,
and those kind of a thing.
00:06:18.43\00:06:21.47
Social phobia is one
of the manifestations
00:06:22.85\00:06:26.64
of being rejected.
00:06:26.67\00:06:27.70
When you are not
feeling good about yourself
00:06:27.71\00:06:30.53
and when you feel
like the world has turned,
00:06:30.56\00:06:33.38
you know, one of the things
that happens in rejection is
00:06:33.41\00:06:35.91
a generalization
of your emotions.
00:06:35.94\00:06:38.15
And so because you're not
feeling buoyant and buoyed up,
00:06:38.18\00:06:42.27
you think that everyone else is
seeing you through those eyes.
00:06:42.30\00:06:46.35
And so you don't
want to be around people.
00:06:46.38\00:06:48.44
You withdraw, you isolate,
you wallow in self pity.
00:06:48.47\00:06:51.50
And you just don't want to
go into public places as much.
00:06:51.53\00:06:54.89
Is this where over
generalization of the situation
00:06:54.92\00:06:59.39
might come into play here?
00:06:59.42\00:07:01.35
That certainly happens at
times where the person projects
00:07:01.38\00:07:05.99
what they're internalizing to
their externals or unto others.
00:07:06.02\00:07:12.29
And so they think that
their lenses are viewed,
00:07:12.32\00:07:15.54
or other people are viewing
them through their lenses.
00:07:15.57\00:07:19.00
You know what I have noticed
also in working with individuals
00:07:19.03\00:07:22.55
who have experienced
rejection is that they
00:07:22.58\00:07:24.89
catastrophize a lot.
00:07:24.92\00:07:26.40
They not only over generalize,
but they catastrophize
00:07:26.43\00:07:30.06
and everything they see
in this awfulizing manner.
00:07:30.09\00:07:33.39
"Oh, things will
never ever get better. "
00:07:33.42\00:07:36.27
Some say, "I will
never love again. "
00:07:36.30\00:07:38.91
They just, you
know, everything is bad.
00:07:38.94\00:07:42.37
The emotions spill over because,
again, you feel that way.
00:07:42.40\00:07:46.72
And your thoughts, of
course, drives your feelings.
00:07:46.75\00:07:49.48
And if that's how
you're thinking, then that's
00:07:49.51\00:07:51.45
what you're going to feel.
00:07:51.48\00:07:52.49
But then that leads
you to self denigrate.
00:07:52.52\00:07:55.55
You beat up on yourself.
00:07:55.56\00:07:57.68
You're just never the wonderful
person and special person
00:07:57.71\00:08:01.22
that you really are.
00:08:01.25\00:08:02.23
And you begin to think
that you're not worth as much.
00:08:02.26\00:08:04.75
If not, you
would not be rejected.
00:08:04.78\00:08:06.65
And I notice also that
sometimes people see the world
00:08:06.68\00:08:11.41
in black and white.
00:08:11.44\00:08:12.71
Why is this happening now?
00:08:12.74\00:08:14.06
Why is the world, there
is no gray area for them?
00:08:14.09\00:08:16.92
I think it's a
function of the depression.
00:08:16.93\00:08:18.60
You know it's either, I'm going
to be loved, or I am not good.
00:08:18.63\00:08:22.57
It's either, life is
going the way I need it to go,
00:08:22.60\00:08:26.16
or it will
never ever get better.
00:08:26.17\00:08:28.12
So it's difficult for them
to see that there is hope and
00:08:28.15\00:08:31.05
that things will improve
and there will be other chances.
00:08:31.08\00:08:34.11
And everything tends to
be either one or the other.
00:08:34.14\00:08:36.51
Unfortunately, some people never
recover from the rejection.
00:08:37.04\00:08:42.39
Some years ago in my ministry,
I came home to find a letter
00:08:42.42\00:08:47.67
underneath my door and it read,
"Dear Pastor, come quickly.
00:08:47.70\00:08:53.76
If you don't come,
you will read about me. "
00:08:53.77\00:08:56.64
We went there and we
found a young lady who,
00:08:56.67\00:09:00.31
because of her rejection,
had just overdosed herself.
00:09:00.34\00:09:05.10
Luckily, we got there in time.
00:09:05.13\00:09:07.28
But the fact is, she
wanted to commit suicide.
00:09:07.31\00:09:12.11
She wanted to end it.
00:09:12.12\00:09:14.20
Is that one of the
signs, the manifestations,
00:09:14.23\00:09:19.77
of a rejected person?
00:09:19.80\00:09:21.51
That happens frequently
where they give up on themselves
00:09:21.52\00:09:26.33
and they think that,
"If I don't have what I want
00:09:26.36\00:09:30.21
or because I was treated
this way, my life is over.
00:09:30.22\00:09:33.54
It's not worth living. "
00:09:33.57\00:09:34.83
And they mentally and
emotionally tell themselves
00:09:34.86\00:09:38.07
and they feel these
experiences, these emotions.
00:09:38.10\00:09:40.71
And yes, they give up on
themselves, and they have
00:09:40.72\00:09:42.59
either the ideations of
committing suicide or they
00:09:42.62\00:09:45.32
actually move on to develop
a plan to commit suicide.
00:09:45.35\00:09:49.33
It is said that suicide is
the eleventh cause of death
00:09:49.83\00:09:54.79
in the United States.
00:09:54.80\00:09:56.64
And the statistic is
there around the world as well
00:09:56.67\00:10:00.44
that suicide is very high.
00:10:00.47\00:10:02.20
But what we have discovered,
research is showing that
00:10:02.23\00:10:04.88
a lot of these individuals
who go on to commit suicide or
00:10:04.91\00:10:09.12
who have the suicidal
ideation, they went through some
00:10:09.15\00:10:12.71
form of rejection.
00:10:12.74\00:10:14.19
How they feel, there's some
rationalization for suicide.
00:10:14.22\00:10:19.04
You know, it's amazing how
this happens in relationships.
00:10:19.07\00:10:23.46
But even in, you would
say, common friendships
00:10:23.47\00:10:27.89
or in schools.
00:10:27.92\00:10:29.47
You send your child to
school, the child doesn't fit in
00:10:29.50\00:10:31.96
for whatever the reason is, and
the child experiences rejection.
00:10:31.99\00:10:34.82
And that could lead the
child to become an isolate
00:10:34.85\00:10:38.91
and then respond negatively.
00:10:38.94\00:10:41.00
We had the incidence in
the Virginia Tech shooting
00:10:41.03\00:10:44.84
and in the Columbine shooting.
00:10:44.85\00:10:46.31
All of these school shootings
that have occurred recently,
00:10:46.34\00:10:48.73
that was actually what really
happened to these young people.
00:10:48.76\00:10:51.49
The research on their families
showed that the students felt
00:10:51.52\00:10:55.98
they were
rejected by their peers
00:10:56.01\00:10:57.73
and they were bullied or made
fun of, and social outcasts.
00:10:57.76\00:11:02.22
And they turned their
rage outside and eventually
00:11:02.25\00:11:05.03
tried to hurt who they perceived
to be the source of their pain.
00:11:05.06\00:11:08.61
I actually dealt with a case
like that where the young man
00:11:09.27\00:11:13.55
was at school and they
called him a misfit and weirdo
00:11:13.58\00:11:18.84
just because of how he dressed.
00:11:18.87\00:11:20.65
And as a result, he told himself
that he was going to get even.
00:11:20.68\00:11:24.65
And he went home and went
on the internet and researched
00:11:24.68\00:11:27.84
how to commit the perfect crime.
00:11:27.87\00:11:29.77
And actually
attempted to carry that out.
00:11:29.80\00:11:33.38
So many young people resort
to that when they feel rejected.
00:11:33.41\00:11:37.42
And what tends to happen
here is that they perceive
00:11:37.62\00:11:40.43
this deep
emotional hopelessness.
00:11:40.46\00:11:44.03
And in their minds, "If I am
going to be treated that way,
00:11:44.06\00:11:47.32
then I am going
to revenge society.
00:11:47.35\00:11:49.47
I'm going to
revenge somebody else. "
00:11:49.50\00:11:51.30
And/or they will turn the
rage in and they hurt themselves
00:11:51.31\00:11:55.81
because now they
think, "I am not worthy.
00:11:55.84\00:11:58.08
I'm not worth
living. Live is over. "
00:11:58.11\00:12:00.63
"So people are better off
without me and the world is
00:12:00.66\00:12:03.53
better off without me
because I have caused pain,
00:12:03.56\00:12:06.44
I have caused
hurt, I have this... "
00:12:06.47\00:12:08.25
They see themselves as
nothing and they conclude that,
00:12:08.28\00:12:12.42
"Well, society is better off
without me, so I will end it. "
00:12:12.45\00:12:17.28
But I want you to speak
to our listeners out there.
00:12:17.31\00:12:20.53
Is society ever
better off? The world ever?
00:12:20.56\00:12:23.45
Is that a conclusion
that an individual should make
00:12:23.48\00:12:26.99
on their own life?
00:12:27.02\00:12:28.09
That's what we
call an irrational idea.
00:12:28.12\00:12:30.33
When you are upset, when
you feel rejected or you get
00:12:30.36\00:12:33.64
depressed and you get
sad emotions, it's a natural
00:12:33.67\00:12:36.54
response to
people who feel pain.
00:12:36.57\00:12:39.59
But no, it is never a
good thing or ever a good thing
00:12:39.62\00:12:43.87
to think about taking your life.
00:12:43.90\00:12:46.41
Your life is a gift from God.
00:12:46.44\00:12:48.40
God loves you even when
everyone else rejects you.
00:12:48.43\00:12:51.72
So yes, you should never ever.
Suicide is never an option.
00:12:51.75\00:12:56.96
We're talking about rejection.
00:12:56.99\00:12:58.79
And we have a lot
more to say on this topic.
00:12:58.82\00:13:01.12
It's very important.
00:13:01.15\00:13:02.24
What are the steps that you
should take if you are rejected?
00:13:02.27\00:13:05.91
Possibly, you were
in a relationship and
00:13:05.94\00:13:09.44
it did not work out.
00:13:09.47\00:13:10.57
You're hurting at this moment.
00:13:10.60\00:13:12.18
You are feeling
pain. Maybe you're crying.
00:13:12.22\00:13:13.86
Maybe at this moment, you're
listening to us, you're crying.
00:13:13.89\00:13:16.56
What can you do?
How can you survive?
00:13:16.59\00:13:19.30
How can you pick up the
broken pieces and move on?
00:13:19.33\00:13:22.19
We're going to talk about
all of that when we come back.
00:13:22.22\00:13:24.91
So make sure you stay
with us because we want to
00:13:24.94\00:13:27.52
continue this discussion.
00:13:27.55\00:13:29.15
There are many "How
To" books available,
00:13:35.94\00:13:38.25
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:38.28\00:13:41.33
"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
00:13:41.36\00:13:43.79
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:43.82\00:13:47.77
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:47.78\00:13:50.57
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:13:50.60\00:13:53.42
and everyone in between.
00:13:53.45\00:13:54.97
Simply call or
write for your free copy.
00:13:55.00\00:13:57.57
Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:08.41\00:14:11.13
Alanzo and I have been
talking about rejection.
00:14:11.14\00:14:14.01
I'm sure many of you
have experienced this
00:14:14.02\00:14:18.13
or know someone who has.
00:14:18.16\00:14:20.36
We are saying that
rejection is painful.
00:14:21.37\00:14:26.53
No one wants to be rejected.
00:14:26.88\00:14:28.75
Yet we all have
experienced rejection
00:14:28.78\00:14:30.78
at one point or another.
00:14:30.79\00:14:32.68
If you have been rejected,
if you're experiencing rejection
00:14:32.71\00:14:36.26
right at this
moment, what might you do?
00:14:36.29\00:14:38.66
Here are some steps that
we want to share with you.
00:14:38.67\00:14:41.69
First of all, we are saying
you must believe in yourself.
00:14:41.70\00:14:47.09
You can't self blame.
00:14:47.80\00:14:50.15
You have to believe in yourself.
00:14:50.18\00:14:52.41
And you must
believe in your God.
00:14:52.44\00:14:55.09
That is the first step
you must take when you're
00:14:55.12\00:14:58.44
experiencing rejection.
00:14:58.47\00:15:00.42
If your emotions are getting
the better part of you and
00:15:00.77\00:15:03.45
you feel sad, and
depressed even, get help.
00:15:03.48\00:15:07.80
This is not likely to just
go away by wishing it away.
00:15:08.40\00:15:12.43
Call someone, reach
out, get a counselor,
00:15:12.46\00:15:16.33
a pastor, someone to talk to.
00:15:16.36\00:15:18.94
Now June, sometimes
people feel like they have to
00:15:18.97\00:15:25.82
run after the person.
00:15:25.85\00:15:27.71
Sometimes people feel that,
"This rejection is too intensive
00:15:27.74\00:15:32.12
and so I will do anything
to get back the individual. "
00:15:32.13\00:15:36.03
Is this a good thing?
00:15:36.06\00:15:37.06
Should you ever run
after someone begging and
00:15:37.09\00:15:39.63
pleading with
them, "Please come back.
00:15:39.66\00:15:41.20
I'll do whatever you want. "
00:15:41.23\00:15:42.65
Should we? Should one do that?
00:15:42.66\00:15:44.30
I think it depends
on the relationship.
00:15:44.33\00:15:46.32
For example, if it's a
marriage and there are children,
00:15:46.35\00:15:49.41
and there are deep
emotional investments,
00:15:49.44\00:15:52.31
and there's a
slight misunderstanding,
00:15:52.34\00:15:55.05
and the person, you know,
one party decides to walk away,
00:15:55.08\00:15:58.52
maybe some negotiation
might open up their irrational
00:15:58.55\00:16:02.54
thoughts and get them to see
that the decision they're making
00:16:02.57\00:16:05.04
is not the right thing.
00:16:05.07\00:16:06.12
But if the person has totally
cut loose and the divorce
00:16:06.15\00:16:09.19
has occurred and they
have moved on, then you need
00:16:09.39\00:16:12.18
to move on as well.
00:16:12.21\00:16:13.32
Trying to run after
them and keep this going
00:16:13.35\00:16:16.84
is only going to
prolong your pain.
00:16:16.85\00:16:18.57
The quicker you put closure
to that and accept the reality
00:16:18.60\00:16:21.85
of what happened, the
faster your healing will occur.
00:16:21.88\00:16:26.12
What if it's not a marriage
but, you know, we were lovers.
00:16:26.15\00:16:30.38
We were looking towards
engagement and marriage.
00:16:30.41\00:16:33.13
Or maybe we were even
engaged and, you know,
00:16:33.16\00:16:35.54
the whole stigma of breaking
up and what people will say
00:16:35.55\00:16:39.05
and all of that thing.
00:16:39.08\00:16:40.21
Should I take the position
like I say to my spouse,
00:16:40.24\00:16:43.22
"Okay, I'll do
whatever you want?
00:16:43.23\00:16:45.35
Part of what broke up
the relationship, they wanted
00:16:45.38\00:16:47.64
me to compromise certain values.
00:16:47.67\00:16:50.44
I decided I would not compromise
and they decided to walk away.
00:16:50.47\00:16:54.11
And I said,
'Okay, don't walk away.
00:16:54.14\00:16:55.77
I'll do what you want. '"
00:16:55.80\00:16:57.32
That is not recommended.
00:16:57.35\00:16:59.21
It is not likely that you
are ever going to be happy
00:16:59.24\00:17:02.92
when you're
compromising your values.
00:17:02.95\00:17:04.95
So you have to decide
which is more important.
00:17:04.98\00:17:07.52
Is it better for you to
do what God wants you to do
00:17:07.55\00:17:11.29
and stay faithful to God,
or to run after this person
00:17:11.32\00:17:16.39
who promises you a castle?
00:17:16.40\00:17:19.64
So no, I think to put
yourself in a vulnerable place
00:17:19.65\00:17:23.55
is only setting yourself
up for further rejection.
00:17:23.58\00:17:26.76
I was just going to say too
that we should talk about the
00:17:26.79\00:17:28.81
psychology of compromise.
00:17:28.84\00:17:30.74
Because if you have to
compromise certain values,
00:17:30.77\00:17:34.80
certain things prior
to the marriage, then when
00:17:34.83\00:17:39.39
you are married, don't
think you will not have to
00:17:39.42\00:17:42.04
continue to compromise.
00:17:42.07\00:17:43.47
And where does it stop?
00:17:43.50\00:17:44.70
There's a
psychology behind it there.
00:17:44.73\00:17:47.43
So if you can't stand for them
now, you won't stand for them
00:17:47.46\00:17:52.01
after you're married.
00:17:52.04\00:17:53.04
And you will still
have more problems.
00:17:53.07\00:17:54.71
You never
compromise on principles.
00:17:54.74\00:17:56.68
Steps to take when you're
experiencing rejection denial.
00:17:57.66\00:18:02.61
Stop the denial.
00:18:02.64\00:18:04.36
Accept the reality of your
given situation, whatever it is.
00:18:05.05\00:18:09.44
If it's over, it's over.
00:18:09.47\00:18:11.20
If the person said they
are finished, they're finished.
00:18:11.23\00:18:13.67
And I don't think we're trying
to minimize people's pain.
00:18:13.70\00:18:18.06
Because rejection is painful.
00:18:18.09\00:18:20.66
Rejection brings tears.
00:18:20.69\00:18:23.18
Rejection brings
brokenness and heartache.
00:18:23.21\00:18:27.00
So we're not trying to minimize
your pain, but we're saying
00:18:27.03\00:18:31.13
we can't keep you in the pain.
00:18:31.16\00:18:32.63
We can't keep
you in that stupor.
00:18:32.66\00:18:34.43
You have to rise above the pain.
00:18:34.46\00:18:36.85
You have to pick up the
broken pieces and move on.
00:18:36.88\00:18:39.89
So what we are saying is
that God loves you even though
00:18:39.92\00:18:42.90
your lover has rejected you.
00:18:42.93\00:18:44.94
And life exists
after a rejection.
00:18:44.97\00:18:48.13
So you might, as I said,
feel sleepy, you don't want to
00:18:48.16\00:18:52.27
get out of bed.
00:18:52.31\00:18:53.31
You just want to cover
yourself away from society,
00:18:53.34\00:18:56.76
from your friends.
00:18:56.79\00:18:57.77
You shut off your phone.
You don't want to make contact.
00:18:57.80\00:19:00.84
That's not what you want to do.
00:19:00.87\00:19:02.70
You want to do
quite the reverse.
00:19:02.73\00:19:04.15
Receive love from others.
00:19:04.18\00:19:06.05
Reach out for support
from the people that are still
00:19:06.06\00:19:08.99
significant in your life.
00:19:09.02\00:19:10.22
Even if a lover rejects
you, your mother is still there
00:19:10.25\00:19:12.62
or a friend that you may
have other than your lover.
00:19:12.65\00:19:15.90
Reach out to these
people who wish you well.
00:19:15.93\00:19:17.97
If no one else,
call your pastor.
00:19:18.88\00:19:21.17
Talk to a spiritual advisor
who can assist you in reframing
00:19:21.20\00:19:25.19
and putting your mind
back in the right place.
00:19:25.20\00:19:27.53
So I'm hearing you
saying then, don't allow your
00:19:27.56\00:19:32.23
life to go down.
00:19:32.26\00:19:33.83
Don't allow yourself to...
00:19:33.86\00:19:36.54
You start to starve
yourself, or you over eat,
00:19:36.57\00:19:41.16
or you don't want to
take care of yourself anymore.
00:19:41.19\00:19:45.26
You don't feel like buying
a new dress or a new suit,
00:19:45.29\00:19:49.45
or whatever it is, you
don't feel like doing anything.
00:19:49.48\00:19:51.80
You don't put yourself together
when you're going out in public.
00:19:51.81\00:19:54.47
It's strange too because I
think that this is the time
00:19:54.50\00:19:59.05
when you should
start looking good.
00:19:59.08\00:20:00.67
This is the time when
you should fix yourself up.
00:20:00.70\00:20:02.64
Because if somebody turns their
back upon you or rejects you,
00:20:02.67\00:20:06.21
you should not
throw yourself away.
00:20:06.24\00:20:08.34
You're still
someone of worth and value.
00:20:08.37\00:20:10.62
The reality is, it's the
natural response to a rejection.
00:20:10.82\00:20:13.85
When depression sets
in, that's how your mind
00:20:13.88\00:20:17.49
and your emotions work.
00:20:17.52\00:20:19.31
But what we are saying is,
you have to fight against that.
00:20:19.34\00:20:22.88
Provide some time for mourning.
00:20:22.91\00:20:25.34
There is appropriate
mourning after a relationship.
00:20:25.37\00:20:27.63
If it ended and it was
meaningful and significant,
00:20:27.66\00:20:30.67
as John Bob has said, it
is like a physical amputation.
00:20:30.70\00:20:34.29
You have lost something
very physical that was real.
00:20:34.30\00:20:37.79
Your emotions, your mind, and
everything was invested in this.
00:20:37.82\00:20:40.86
So you provide a
time for mourning.
00:20:40.89\00:20:43.00
But you then put
that in a safe place
00:20:43.03\00:20:46.95
and move on
after a period of time.
00:20:46.98\00:20:48.72
Because your life goes on.
00:20:48.75\00:20:50.67
Now think about it.
00:20:50.70\00:20:52.11
The person who rejected you,
quite likely for somebody else,
00:20:52.14\00:20:55.60
has moved on.
00:20:55.63\00:20:56.90
And he's not
doubt, or she's not doubt,
00:20:56.93\00:20:59.13
happy doing whatever
they're choosing to do.
00:20:59.16\00:21:01.56
Why should you sit and
think about hurting yourself
00:21:01.59\00:21:04.77
or cutting yourself
off from your lifeline?
00:21:04.78\00:21:07.32
That's just irrational thinking.
00:21:07.35\00:21:09.10
So after your period of
mourning, which shouldn't be
00:21:09.13\00:21:11.56
very long either, you
know, that creates dysfunction,
00:21:11.59\00:21:14.35
move forward.
00:21:14.45\00:21:16.18
There comes a time after
you have done all of what
00:21:16.99\00:21:20.62
you're saying, that one
has to insulate himself,
00:21:20.65\00:21:25.63
insulate herself,
against rejection.
00:21:25.66\00:21:29.61
What might be some
of these insulations?
00:21:29.62\00:21:33.78
One of the things that
happens in relationships,
00:21:34.15\00:21:36.53
sometimes we have what we
call controlling individuals.
00:21:36.56\00:21:39.37
And they cut you off from your
network of supportive friends.
00:21:39.40\00:21:43.77
And that's not a good thing.
00:21:43.80\00:21:45.47
Because God forbid they
should walk away from you.
00:21:45.50\00:21:49.18
You're left with no one.
00:21:49.21\00:21:50.45
So we encourage
individuals to bond with people.
00:21:50.48\00:21:54.59
God gives us
wonderful people in our lives.
00:21:54.62\00:21:57.13
Treat them well.
00:21:57.16\00:21:59.10
Establish these networks.
00:21:59.13\00:22:00.78
Build a relationship, we
call it a scaffold, around you.
00:22:00.81\00:22:04.08
So God forbid something
like this were to happen,
00:22:04.11\00:22:06.29
there are people there who
can hug you and reach out to you
00:22:06.32\00:22:10.11
and give you hope and
give you meaning in your life.
00:22:10.14\00:22:13.14
Another thing you can do
when dealing with rejection
00:22:13.44\00:22:17.64
is to establish a
reason for living.
00:22:17.67\00:22:21.06
Look at your life and
say, "Okay, this has happened
00:22:21.09\00:22:25.40
and it's painful, but
do I need to go on living?"
00:22:25.43\00:22:29.82
The answer is "yes,"
you need to go on living.
00:22:29.85\00:22:33.61
And then you say,
well if you have children
00:22:33.64\00:22:36.39
or you have a child, you
say, "I have to keep living
00:22:36.42\00:22:39.65
for my child. "
00:22:39.68\00:22:40.74
You may have a mother
that is depending on you.
00:22:40.77\00:22:43.98
"I have to go on living
for my mother or my father. "
00:22:44.01\00:22:47.20
You may have a career
that you're doing well in.
00:22:47.23\00:22:50.01
"I have to go on. "
00:22:50.04\00:22:51.25
Establish a reason for living.
00:22:51.28\00:22:53.90
Do not see the
world as falling apart.
00:22:53.93\00:22:57.00
Something has happened.
00:22:57.03\00:22:58.13
Something
horrible, something painful.
00:22:58.16\00:23:00.37
We're not taking
that away from you.
00:23:00.40\00:23:02.20
But we're saying,
life goes on and so do you.
00:23:02.23\00:23:05.31
You have to keep moving on.
00:23:05.34\00:23:06.93
When you are
rejected, you do get to a point
00:23:06.96\00:23:11.38
where your self worth and the
confidence you have in yourself,
00:23:11.41\00:23:15.06
the self efficacy, is shot
and you feel less than special
00:23:15.09\00:23:19.65
or even less than capable.
00:23:19.68\00:23:21.48
So here's a competent person
who goes to work and functions
00:23:21.51\00:23:25.96
and is able to perform and
produce effort, feeling like,
00:23:25.99\00:23:30.87
"I am not worth much. "
00:23:30.90\00:23:32.99
And they are
likely to fall apart.
00:23:33.00\00:23:36.11
So in order to remedy
this, you have to stimulate,
00:23:36.14\00:23:40.71
re-engage, your
thinking to appreciate the value
00:23:40.74\00:23:45.31
and the strength that you have.
00:23:45.32\00:23:47.05
And go within
yourself, and by God's grace,
00:23:47.08\00:23:49.81
pull out the best that you have.
00:23:49.85\00:23:51.51
Because the fact that a
person walked away from you
00:23:51.54\00:23:54.09
doesn't mean your life is over.
00:23:54.12\00:23:55.80
You still have your talents,
you still have your competences,
00:23:55.83\00:23:58.85
and you can pick up the pieces.
00:23:58.88\00:24:01.11
"Weeping may endure for a night,
but joy cometh in the morning. "
00:24:01.14\00:24:06.40
You know as you say that,
it's quite apropos for us to
00:24:06.43\00:24:11.26
tell our listeners
that some of them need to
00:24:11.29\00:24:15.13
reconnect with their faith.
00:24:15.16\00:24:17.12
Unfortunately, but it is true,
that sometimes the relationship
00:24:17.15\00:24:20.94
you got yourself in,
you drifted away from God.
00:24:20.97\00:24:25.56
You drifted away from
that spiritual connection
00:24:25.59\00:24:30.01
that you had with God.
00:24:30.04\00:24:31.52
And the fact that you're being
rejected does not mean that
00:24:31.55\00:24:33.74
God is chastising you.
00:24:33.77\00:24:35.09
So don't stay away any longer.
00:24:35.10\00:24:36.84
Go back and reconnect your faith
and re-establish your faith
00:24:36.87\00:24:40.39
with Him, because He will
never leave you nor forsake you.
00:24:40.40\00:24:44.55
It's interesting that you
said that because I just had a
00:24:44.65\00:24:47.29
conversation with a
young woman last week.
00:24:47.30\00:24:49.27
She was 24 years
old and she was rejected
00:24:49.28\00:24:52.06
by her boyfriend of six years.
00:24:52.09\00:24:54.12
And they met out of high school.
00:24:54.15\00:24:56.97
And here was this
relationship going on,
00:24:57.01\00:24:58.72
she has now finished college.
00:24:58.75\00:24:59.88
And just at the point when
she thought that, you know,
00:24:59.91\00:25:02.14
they could move to the
next step, he turned his back,
00:25:02.17\00:25:05.22
as it were, and she
claimed, dumped her.
00:25:05.25\00:25:07.54
She was devastated,
depressed, and suicidal.
00:25:07.57\00:25:11.73
And that was
exactly how she responded.
00:25:11.76\00:25:14.26
She just cut
herself off from God,
00:25:14.27\00:25:16.89
cut herself off
from going to church.
00:25:16.90\00:25:18.49
She felt like, "How
could God allow this?
00:25:18.52\00:25:20.94
I followed His
precepts by finding somebody
00:25:20.97\00:25:23.87
who was of my faith.
00:25:23.90\00:25:25.33
I did all the right things.
00:25:25.36\00:25:26.84
And now look at
what has happened. "
00:25:26.87\00:25:28.43
And thank God we
had a conversation.
00:25:28.46\00:25:30.86
At the end of it
she realized that,
00:25:30.89\00:25:32.88
"God loves you just the same. "
00:25:32.91\00:25:34.57
In fact, He desires only
what is in your best interest.
00:25:34.60\00:25:38.86
And she was able to
re-think her position and start
00:25:38.89\00:25:42.14
reconnecting again.
00:25:42.17\00:25:43.66
So it's a natural response
sometimes for young people
00:25:43.69\00:25:46.61
to think that
God made this happen.
00:25:46.64\00:25:48.98
And so they revenge
by staying away from God.
00:25:49.01\00:25:52.02
Never a good decision.
00:25:52.05\00:25:53.94
Think positively.
00:25:53.97\00:25:55.37
Tell yourself that
it will get better.
00:25:56.09\00:25:58.95
Tell yourself that,
using the words of the poet,
00:25:59.45\00:26:02.45
"It's better to have
loved and lost than never
00:26:02.48\00:26:04.35
to have loved at all. "
00:26:04.38\00:26:05.54
You know, take that
for what it's worth.
00:26:05.57\00:26:07.68
But the idea is,
move on with your life.
00:26:07.71\00:26:10.41
There is tomorrow,
by the grace of God.
00:26:10.44\00:26:12.81
There is another
day, by the grace of God.
00:26:12.84\00:26:15.38
Think positively, be optimistic.
00:26:15.41\00:26:17.85
See your best self as
having a better tomorrow.
00:26:17.88\00:26:22.38
So don't panic, stay in
control, all is not lost.
00:26:22.41\00:26:26.25
And if you can't help
yourself, then get help.
00:26:26.28\00:26:28.78
Now there are
problems that will arise.
00:26:28.81\00:26:31.24
You may have to relocate, you
may have to find another job.
00:26:31.25\00:26:34.17
You may have to find
another place to live.
00:26:34.20\00:26:36.16
But the reality is, those
are problems that can be solved.
00:26:36.19\00:26:39.78
Whatever it is, stay in control.
00:26:39.81\00:26:42.56
Take charge of
your life. Move on.
00:26:42.59\00:26:45.32
And remember, God
will never reject you
00:26:45.35\00:26:49.73
and will never forsake you.
00:26:49.76\00:26:51.26
You know, we have been
talking to you about rejection.
00:26:51.29\00:26:54.51
And the ultimate form
of rejection comes when we
00:26:54.54\00:26:57.99
reject our covenant God.
00:26:58.02\00:26:59.90
I want you to
understand the pain that comes,
00:26:59.93\00:27:02.93
as a human being, when you
are rejected by your spouse.
00:27:02.96\00:27:07.10
And then take that and translate
it into the pain we cause God
00:27:07.13\00:27:11.41
when we reject Him.
00:27:11.44\00:27:12.87
Some of you
listening to me right now,
00:27:12.90\00:27:15.18
you have rejected God.
00:27:15.21\00:27:16.67
You have walked away from Him.
00:27:16.70\00:27:18.23
You have turned
your back upon Him.
00:27:18.26\00:27:20.05
Rejection is painful.
00:27:20.08\00:27:22.24
Rejection is
never ever a nice thing.
00:27:22.27\00:27:25.21
And just as how you do
not want to be rejected,
00:27:25.24\00:27:28.20
so too you must not
reject your heavenly Father.
00:27:28.23\00:27:31.58
You remember when
the people rejected God.
00:27:31.61\00:27:35.73
Samuel thought it was him.
00:27:35.76\00:27:37.20
And God said, "No Samuel,
they have not rejected you
00:27:37.21\00:27:40.26
as being king over Israel.
00:27:40.29\00:27:42.16
They have rejected Me. "
00:27:42.19\00:27:43.93
Let us not find
ourselves in that same trap
00:27:43.96\00:27:47.59
as the children of Israel.
00:27:47.62\00:27:49.01
Let us accept God
as our loving Father.
00:27:49.04\00:27:51.89
Let us serve Him.
00:27:51.92\00:27:53.06
And if you are experiencing
any form of rejection,
00:27:53.09\00:27:55.60
take it to that God.
00:27:55.61\00:27:57.17
He will give you the strength,
00:27:57.18\00:27:58.61
and yes, He will
give you the comfort.
00:27:58.64\00:28:00.97
Have faith in God.
00:28:01.00\00:28:02.60