Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000073
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:34 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my lovely wife, June. 00:40 We have been married for 33 years. 00:43 And we have been working with families around the world 00:49 as we help them to negotiate their lives to make home 00:54 happier and better. 00:57 We would like to talk today about families 01:01 that are having problems. 01:03 So our topic is, When Your Marriage is in Trouble. 01:07 June, do you think that we have marriages that are 01:11 in trouble these days? 01:13 Unfortunately, too many. 01:15 The challenge, however, is that there are some people 01:19 who don't admit that their marriage is in trouble. 01:23 I've had so many women that say to me, 01:27 "We're having problems and we need to go get help 01:30 but my husband refuses because he does not think 01:34 we're having a problem. " 01:36 Or I've had husbands who say, "We're having problems. 01:39 I'm about to walk away. 01:42 I've invited my wife to come to get help but she refuses 01:46 because she doesn't think we have a problem. 01:49 She thinks I am the problem. " 01:51 Okay, as two clinicians, let's see if we can 01:56 diagnose the problem. 01:58 If I should say the following statement to you, 02:02 what might be your response? 02:04 "Your marriage is in trouble when each partner 02:11 gets agitated very easily. " 02:14 If the agitant is perceived to be caused by or imposed by 02:22 one of the parties, then yes, there is a problem. 02:26 Okay, "Your marriage is in trouble when one partner 02:32 shuts down emotionally. " 02:35 That happens frequently. 02:37 When individuals get frustrated or when they think they have 02:41 done everything they have control or power over 02:44 and nothing seems to be working, then they just give up. 02:47 It's almost like, you know, the computer shuts down. 02:50 Their emotions just go blank. 02:54 "Your marriage is in trouble when one partner 02:58 is over critical; very critical and sensitive and makes 03:03 an issue over everything. " 03:06 That clearly indicates problems. 03:09 While you should be open to feedback and you should 03:13 certainly be able to communicate effectively, if you're 03:16 only criticized or criticizing, then that's not a good thing. 03:22 "Your marriage is in trouble when one partner 03:25 feels stretched out. 03:27 'I have reached my limit. I've done my best. 03:31 I don't think there's any more I can do for this marriage 03:34 and I am tired of trying. '" 03:37 That must be such a sad state to get to. 03:39 Because a marriage is designed to be a happy union, 03:45 to be a harmonious relationship. 03:47 And if you get to a point in your relationship where you 03:51 give up or you think you have done everything you can 03:54 and you're at the end of your rope, then you 03:56 definitely need help. 03:59 I also believe that your marriage is in trouble when 04:04 one partner is insensitive. 04:06 You know, sensitivity goes a long way in helping 04:10 marital relationships to grow and to bond and to be stronger. 04:15 When one individual is insensitive, however, 04:18 to one's feelings, insensitive to one's pain, 04:22 insensitive to one's problem, or whatever it is, 04:25 insensitivity can drive a dagger into the heart 04:29 of the next person. 04:30 So, yes, the marriage is in trouble if you find a partner 04:34 that is very insensitive to you. 04:37 It is the goal of all relationships to be happy, 04:43 to problem solve if there are problems, 04:46 to get help if you're not able to resolve the problems. 04:49 But certainly, not to stay in disharmony. 04:53 So the challenge is that we should recognize when 04:57 there is a problem and get help early. 05:00 Okay, let's look at some possible causes now. 05:04 We have given you some scenarios as to what could cause 05:09 a marriage to be in trouble, or when it's in trouble 05:11 when these things are happening. 05:13 It's in trouble when these things are happening. 05:15 What might be some of the possible causes? 05:20 I think there are a myriad of causes. 05:23 But among the ones I can think of are, people sometimes 05:27 don't take responsibility for for how they're 05:31 contributing to the problem. 05:32 And so they point fingers or they blame the other person. 05:35 And if you're in a relationship where there are problems, 05:39 even if the other person is directly contributing to it, 05:42 chances are the way you're adjusting or not, 05:45 the way you're relating, the way you respond, 05:48 or the way you're communicating, 05:49 there's something you're doing that's feeding that behavior. 05:52 So both of you must take responsibility to resolve it. 05:55 A marriage problem is not just one person's problem. 05:58 It is a problem between "us". 06:01 You're listening to us. 06:02 And if you have a rigid mindset, that would be a problem. 06:09 That's a cause for a problem in the marital relationship. 06:12 You see, human beings are not static human beings. 06:17 We're dynamic. 06:18 The way God created us, we're dynamic human beings. 06:22 We're able to change. 06:23 Change our positions, reflect, go back on. 06:26 That kind of a thing. 06:28 But if you are rigid, if you are inflexible, 06:31 if it is just what I say, what I want, what I feel, 06:35 if you have this kind of rigid mentality, 06:38 you are creating problems in the marriage. 06:42 There are times when there will be difficulties. 06:45 There are times when you will say things 06:48 that upset each other. 06:49 There are times when you'll frustrate each other. 06:51 But you are on the same team. 06:54 Your goal is to work it through. 06:57 So when you do something and you say, "I'm sorry," 07:01 it means it's gone. 07:03 It should be a thing of the past. 07:05 Let it go. 07:06 But if you carry grudges and keep bringing back the past 07:11 and throwing back the past in the person's face, as it were, 07:14 then you are going to be an agitant to the problems. 07:17 Let's talk a little about unfulfilled dreams 07:21 in relationships. 07:23 Because a lot of times individuals are frustrated 07:27 in their relationship because they feel unaccomplished, 07:32 they feel like their dreams are not met, 07:35 their goals are not met. 07:36 And how to do live with someone who is carrying these feelings 07:42 where sometimes they think you're the cause 07:44 of my unfulfilled dreams? 07:46 "If I hadn't married you, I would have gone 07:50 on to medical school. " 07:51 If I had not... 07:52 And so you keep hearing this over and over. 07:57 What does that do to your psyche? 07:59 It will allow you to feel like you're in a very bad place. 08:05 You're not responsible for the personal choices that one makes. 08:10 And so if for whatever reason being married was a hindrance 08:15 to your progress, then that is something you have to 08:20 work through, but not blame your partner. 08:22 If there was something that your partner did that may have 08:26 hindered your success, then hey, things happen. 08:31 Don't allow it to destroy your relationship. 08:34 Work it through. 08:35 So whatever the problem is, the reality is, move on. 08:41 We're talking about when your marriage is in trouble. 08:45 Some people possess what we call, impulse control. 08:49 They just cannot control themselves. 08:52 They act on emotion, they act on impulse, 08:56 they are irrational. 08:58 That is destructive to a relationship. 09:00 When we have poor impulse control, it means we 09:04 can't regulate our emotions. 09:06 And so yes, that becomes a real problem. 09:09 Because we are suppose to be able to control our impulses. 09:12 You get angry but you don't act on the anger. 09:14 As the Bible says, you get angry but sin not. 09:17 So while it's a natural thing for you to get upset 09:20 at some things, you should be able to control. 09:24 But there are some people who are just out of control. 09:27 They break things up, they throw things around, 09:31 they throw tantrums. 09:34 And the funny thing about it is that sometimes there are 09:37 children in the home and they're behaving this way and they 09:40 don't understand that this does have an effect on the children. 09:43 If you're in a relationship where there's physical abuse, 09:45 that is unacceptable. 09:47 Two partners, two lovers just shouldn't be behaving like that. 09:51 And that's a very psychological, emotional, destructive 09:55 way to live. 09:56 So that is another seminar really. 09:59 But yes, those are signs that tell you there are problems 10:02 and you need help. 10:04 You know, you talk about signs and needing help. 10:09 When marriages are in trouble, often times people feel 10:16 like they can solve their problem on their own. 10:21 It's this feeling like if I have a tooth ache, 10:25 I know I am to go to the dentist. 10:27 If I'm having a heart problem condition, I know I'm to go 10:32 to see a cardiologist. 10:33 Any medical condition, I know I need to get help. 10:36 But if the marriage is having problems, I can take care of it. 10:41 Is that a right approach, a right attitude? 10:44 That's usually why the problem escalates 10:46 or the marriage falls apart. 10:48 Because many times, the things that agitates isn't something 10:52 that the partners are even aware of sometimes, 10:55 or that they're resolving on their own. 10:58 And so we do encourage that they seek help, 11:01 whether the help is from a spiritual leader, 11:03 or a professional counselor, or somebody who is objective 11:06 and is able to help you. 11:09 But don't just sit back and allow your marriage to 11:11 disintegrate simply because you refused to get help 11:14 thinking it will automatically go away. 11:16 You know, well said. 11:19 One can contribute to a problem in a marriage 11:23 when you minimize an individual's pain. 11:27 What should be the reaction? 11:30 Together, here we are. 11:32 We have been married for these many years and 11:35 we thank God for that. 11:36 But we're in a marital relationship and if I say 11:41 I'm frustrated about something or I'm hurting about something, 11:45 should you minimize my pain, should you ignore it? 11:48 Should you act as if, "Well, you're an adult. 11:50 Go deal with it. " 11:51 What should be your attitude? 11:54 I need to feel with you. It's called empathy. 11:57 Put myself in your place. 11:58 While I may not quite understand what you're feeling, 12:01 the reality is that I want to share your pain. 12:03 So no, I don't want to discount it. 12:06 I don't want to minimize it. 12:07 I don't want to say, "Oh, you're being a kid, grow up. " 12:10 I want to listen to what you have to say, 12:12 find out what and where the pain is coming from, 12:14 and help you if I can to get help. 12:17 What if I shut down emotionally because I want to register 12:23 a protest, so I shut down emotionally? 12:26 What should be your... 12:28 Unfortunately, God has not given us the power to read minds. 12:32 And while we might be able to interpret nonverbal's at times, 12:36 the truth is if you talk about what's going on, 12:40 then your partner can assist you better. 12:43 So shutting down and withdrawing is a very negative way to 12:46 try to resolve a problem. 12:49 There are always problems in relationships. 12:52 We're talking today about when your marriage is in trouble. 12:56 There is so much we need to talk about and there is so much 12:59 we want to share with you. 13:00 And we want to take you into the area of what to do. 13:03 Perhaps your marriage is in trouble. 13:06 Perhaps you have been challenged at this time. 13:09 What do you do? Where do you go from here? 13:11 Those are some of the issues we want to address 13:14 and some of the questions we want to answer. 13:17 So in our break, make sure you stay right where you are. 13:20 Don't go anywhere because we will be right back. 13:23 Families are a challenge, but by God's grace 13:26 families can be helped. 13:34 There are many "How To" books available, 13:36 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:40 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:42 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:46 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:49 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:52 and everyone in between. 13:53 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:07 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:09 We're talking about when your marriage is in trouble. 14:14 And yes, there are so many marriages that are in trouble. 14:19 And we're here to do what we can do to help your marriage. 14:23 We're encouraging you, if something is wrong 14:27 don't walk away. 14:28 Try as best as you can to get help. 14:31 After all, we did pledge "for better or for worse. " 14:35 Now there are some factors that can cause a marriage 14:40 to be in trouble. 14:42 What would you say to your listeners? 14:44 What are some of these factors? 14:46 Earlier we talked about some of the things that creates 14:49 the problems and puts one in trouble. 14:52 But I think in general terms, we might say 14:55 there could be religious incompatibility 14:58 or spiritual incompatibility. 14:59 You might be of the same faith but you're at different levels 15:03 in your spiritual journey. 15:05 And you're just not getting the stimulation and the 15:08 encouragement and the support from your partner. 15:10 You may, for example in some homes, you might avoid 15:16 having family worship and it is important to the 15:19 other partner to have it. 15:21 So that could create a problem. 15:23 Or tithe paying, even. 15:24 A lot of times, that creates a lot of problems in families. 15:29 One person believes that they should return a faithful tithe, 15:31 the other person does not feel. 15:33 And so there are religious factors that can create. 15:37 How about social factors? 15:38 That sometimes is a major problem. 15:41 The way one socializes and the way you divide your 15:46 social network or integrate the social network 15:49 can create a problem. 15:50 For example, if you have a network of friends 15:54 that isn't inclusive and your partner feels like there 15:59 are secret relationships and you have divested energy 16:04 from the relationship into these other friendships, 16:07 then that becomes a point of pain many times. 16:10 Would this be considered a social factor too, 16:12 like we call a syndrome, the Peter Pan syndrome; 16:15 men who haven't grown up, men who have left home, 16:19 that it creates a problem for the marital relationship 16:23 because they're acting like boys when they should 16:26 be grown up men. 16:27 And I think the reverse can be true where some women 16:30 just don't take on the role that the mother and wife 16:33 should be playing and they act like they're little girls still 16:36 playing with dolls rather than being in a real life experience. 16:39 So it could go either way. 16:41 How about economic factors? 16:42 That's probably one of the major problems that marriages have. 16:46 Issues on spending, budgeting. 16:48 The feeling of being in control. 16:50 The feeling that, you know, "I work, it's my money. 16:53 I can buy what I want. " 16:54 And so there is no budgeting, there is no organized spending. 16:58 And so the resources are not tied together for the 17:01 common good of the family. 17:03 And we should add to this list the education factor. 17:07 Education is a factor because sometimes that creates 17:10 problems in the relationship. 17:12 You know, it's amazing, it's strange how when two people 17:15 are dating, when two people are in love, that often times 17:19 they don't look at some of these variables, these factors 17:21 that we're talking about. 17:22 And so one individual might be highly educated and the 17:25 next person is not, and it's no problem. 17:27 But after they are married, then they start having 17:30 different problems in social settings where they want to go, 17:33 one is not comfortable going, then the issue of education 17:37 comes into play. 17:38 And one starts saying, "Well yes, because you're educated 17:41 and you think I'm not. " 17:42 And that can create a lot of havoc. 17:44 So we're saying that's something that you need to examine. 17:48 The final one I think we should look at is ethnicity; 17:51 the ethnic factor. 17:53 There are many families who are in relationships that are 17:57 blended from different cultures and different 17:59 ethnic backgrounds and are doing well and are able 18:01 to communicate effectively. 18:02 But there are others who, sometimes there are cultural 18:05 nuances that creates difficulties in understanding 18:07 and comprehending behavior. 18:09 And it sometimes gets stereotyped or you know, 18:12 it creates trauma. 18:14 So yeah, those are sometimes issues that 18:16 places a marriage in trouble. 18:19 When your marriage is in trouble. 18:22 We have identified some of the factors, some of the 18:24 causative factors that can make a marriage troublesome. 18:29 The question that we must now ask and address is, 18:33 where do you go from here? 18:35 What do you do? 18:37 And we want to say to you, the first step that you 18:40 must take is commitment. 18:43 You both must make a commitment that you want to stay together. 18:48 Now I'm cognitive of the fact that one hand cannot clap. 18:52 It takes two people to make this commitment. 18:55 So we're encouraging both parties, both spouses, 18:59 to make a commitment because that's the first starting point. 19:02 That you both commit that, "We are willing to hang in there 19:06 and to work this thing through. " 19:07 Now once there's a commitment, I think that next step 19:10 is to clarify what you perceive, either of you perceive, 19:15 as the problem. 19:16 Because what I find in listening to families or couples who 19:19 have problems is that one person thinks this is the problem, 19:23 and then you ask the other person from their perspective 19:25 what is the problem, and they have a 19:26 total different perception. 19:28 So it is important that you're dealing with the same issue 19:31 and that both of you are resolving the same issue. 19:33 Because then you could be operating on 19:36 two different planes. 19:37 You know, June, one of the things I hear, 19:39 and I'm sure you too among our clients that come in 19:43 for counseling, is the notion of listening. 19:46 It seems as if listening has become the long lost art. 19:51 But I hear a lot of spouses complaining that their partner 19:56 does not listen. 19:57 That they get frustrated and flustered when they're 20:00 speaking to their partner and they're not listening to them. 20:04 Do you find that to be... 20:06 I think in general whether you're in a marriage or not, 20:09 listening is a very difficult skill for people to have. 20:11 We like to talk, talk, talk. 20:13 And we just find it difficult listen. 20:16 So it's a skill, it's an art, that people really 20:18 have to develop. 20:19 And it creates difficulties. 20:22 Wives often complain especially, "My husband doesn't listen. 20:25 Or if I'm speaking to him, he's watching football 20:28 at the same time. " 20:29 Or the child who comes to talk to the parent, you know, 20:32 the parent is multitasking while the child is communicating. 20:35 So yes, listening can be a challenge. 20:38 And that is something that is very essential 20:39 if you're going to work towards a resolution. 20:42 But if that father is sitting on the couch watching his 20:46 favorite sports come playoff, and you know, he's into the game 20:50 and the wife comes talking to him, is it that he's not 20:54 listening or he's not hearing, he's not communicating? 20:57 What's happening right there? 20:59 He isn't listening to her, but he is communicating. 21:02 He's saying, "Leave me alone, I'm doing what I want to do. " 21:05 And that of course pushes her away and creates other 21:08 kinds of problems. 21:09 Okay, we're talking about what to do. 21:11 We have problems in the relationship, what to do. 21:14 Now here we are, we want to talk about the issue. 21:19 Should we talk about the person or should we talk 21:23 about the problem? 21:25 Once you both have committed that you want to stay married, 21:28 and you both decide on what the mutual problem is, 21:31 then yes, you need to stay with the issue. 21:34 You stay away from descriptions and adjectives about the person. 21:37 "You are like your father. " 21:39 "You are such a terrible wife. " Whatever. 21:41 You don't describe the individual. 21:42 You say, "When you leave my laundry undone, 21:47 you know, it frustrates me because I assume 21:50 I have clean clothes and I go and there's none. " 21:52 So you talk about what's causing the problem 21:54 and what the issue is that's the upset, 21:57 but not about the two individuals. 21:58 So you're saying, focus on the issue. 22:01 You should also accept responsibility. 22:04 One of the things that causes marital breakdown 22:07 and why there are a lot of arguments and fights 22:10 is that people fail to accept responsibility for what 22:13 they have done. 22:15 Often times a spouse comes into me and they will say 22:18 something like this, "My spouse is never wrong. 22:22 He can never admit to a wrong. " 22:25 As individuals, you know, the Bible says, "Except ye become 22:29 as little children, ye cannot enter into the 22:32 kingdom of heaven. " 22:33 That's talking about humility. 22:34 So we have to be humble enough to see the part that 22:38 we're playing in the marital destruction, 22:41 and own it, accept it. 22:43 We have to accept responsibility for our behavior 22:47 and for our action. 22:49 Another thing that I think is important is that each person 22:51 in the conversation in their attempt to resolve this issue 22:55 should, as we said, speak directly to the issue. 22:59 But identify the concerns that you have about the dynamic 23:03 that's going on. 23:04 And clearly ask for what it is that you would 23:08 like to be changed so that you don't blame the other person. 23:12 You're sticking to the issue but you're also 23:14 identifying a remedy. 23:15 What do I need from you? 23:16 How can you help me feel better, or act better, or etc. 23:20 That's what I need. 23:21 Then let me decide how I will go about doing that. 23:25 So I'm hearing you saying then that we should not just 23:29 state the problem and we should not just focus on the problem, 23:33 but we should say, what changes could we input, implement, 23:40 that would help to make the situation better. 23:42 So we should also have some solutions. 23:45 What type of solutions? 23:46 We're working together, we're on the same team. 23:48 So I state a problem and I'm saying, "June, I think it 23:53 would be helpful to the relationship if we could... " 23:56 And I provide a workable solution. 23:58 It's an act of compromise as we're trying to 24:02 work through the solution. 24:03 And it's also providing some remedy. 24:05 Because the expectation is, you say, "this is a problem," 24:08 but then you're assuming the other spouse knows 24:12 what to do about it. 24:13 So if you say, "This is the problem and this is how it 24:16 would be helpful," or "This is what I would like or expect," 24:19 then it allows the other person some leverage 24:21 and they can either negotiate the terms of how they deliver, 24:25 but at least they know what you want different. 24:27 And as you continue this discussion, this dialogue of 24:30 resolving the conflict, it is important for you to reaffirm 24:34 your love for each other, to reaffirm your commitment 24:39 to each other and your commitment to the 24:40 children and to the family. 24:42 That's important. 24:43 So as you discuss, reaffirm and express your love 24:46 for each other. 24:47 That's very helpful to the process. 24:50 Because you know, sometimes you could be very upset, 24:52 very mad about something and someone says to you, 24:54 "You know, despite these challenges that we're 24:57 going through, I still love you. 24:59 And I want you to know that there's no one else 25:03 outside of you, except you. 25:04 I don't' want to go anywhere else. 25:06 And so I want us to work it out. " 25:08 And that is like magic to the soul. 25:10 It makes you move towards the person 25:11 in working on a resolution. 25:13 Absolutely, but if there is somebody else, 25:16 if there is a third person in the relationship 25:18 and that's causing a problem, then you also need to 25:22 be able to say, "This needs to stop. " 25:25 "I expect that you will cut this relationship off. " 25:28 "This cannot continue. " "That is unacceptable. " Etc. 25:31 So the person clearly knows you are determined to stay married 25:36 and to be loyal and to be faithful. 25:38 And the converse is true to. 25:40 If you really love your spouse and you want the 25:43 marriage to work, you should also say, "I am willing to. " 25:46 You understand me? 25:47 It's a symbiotic relationship so I should be able to say, 25:50 "I am will to. " 25:52 Now if both of us have this conversation going and 25:55 we're just not getting any place and we can't seem to 25:57 help ourselves, then our recommendation is 26:00 get professional help. 26:01 It is important. 26:02 Get professional help. 26:04 Just like how you go see the dentist, see the cardiologist, 26:07 and what have you. 26:08 Your marriage is important. 26:10 Get professional help. 26:11 On top of that, as we're working through an issue, 26:15 couples must learn to start dating again. 26:18 You know some of the little things they use to do prior to, 26:21 they need to inject some spark into the relationship. 26:24 There are some relationships that have become lifeless. 26:27 It's like they're dead and they need to inject some spark. 26:29 What are some of the little things they can do to 26:31 inject spark into the relationship and spice it up? 26:34 As we said when we diagnose a problem, that some of the 26:38 issues are lack of sensitivity, lack of being responsive to the 26:42 need of the other and just a dryness to the relationship. 26:46 So if you're going to spark it up then you have to meet the 26:48 needs of the other person. 26:49 You have to be very touchy feely and be responsive 26:53 to the person's emotional needs, listen to them. 26:55 Is there anything you have ever done for your 26:57 husband to spice up? 26:59 Why doesn't my husband say if there was something? 27:02 Wouldn't that be a better way to say it? 27:04 One of the things I like that you do is that you put these 27:06 little love notes in my lunch box when I'm going to work 27:10 and I read it, "Oh honey, I love you. 27:11 Have a nice day. " 27:13 But I really appreciate that and I should let you know. 27:15 Thank you. 27:16 So yes, there are things that you should do to re-register 27:21 that I'm thinking about you, that I love you, 27:23 that you're the oxygen in my life. 27:25 And each other should share symbiotically. 27:28 And it is true that love covers a multitude of evil. 27:32 We have been talking about when your marriage 27:35 is in trouble. 27:36 We have shown you the problem and what to do. 27:39 We hope by God's grace you will do something 27:41 about your marriage. 27:43 Yes, again we will emphasize, put Jesus Christ at the heart 27:47 of your marital relationship. 27:48 We want you to be happy. 27:50 We want your children to be happy. 27:52 Remember, you must commit yourself to build 27:55 stronger families against all odds. 27:58 Trust in the Lord with all thine might. 28:00 He will bless you. 28:02 Thank you. |
Revised 2014-12-17