Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my lovely wife, June.
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We have been
married for 33 years.
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And we have been working
with families around the world
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as we help them to negotiate
their lives to make home
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happier and better.
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We would like to
talk today about families
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that are having problems.
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So our topic is, When
Your Marriage is in Trouble.
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June, do you think that
we have marriages that are
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in trouble these days?
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Unfortunately, too many.
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The challenge, however,
is that there are some people
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who don't admit that
their marriage is in trouble.
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I've had so many
women that say to me,
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"We're having problems
and we need to go get help
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but my husband refuses
because he does not think
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we're having a problem. "
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Or I've had husbands who
say, "We're having problems.
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I'm about to walk away.
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I've invited my wife to
come to get help but she refuses
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because she doesn't
think we have a problem.
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She thinks I am the problem. "
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Okay, as two
clinicians, let's see if we can
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diagnose the problem.
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If I should say the
following statement to you,
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what might be your response?
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"Your marriage is in
trouble when each partner
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gets agitated very easily. "
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If the agitant is perceived
to be caused by or imposed by
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one of the parties,
then yes, there is a problem.
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Okay, "Your marriage is
in trouble when one partner
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shuts down emotionally. "
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That happens frequently.
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When individuals get frustrated
or when they think they have
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done everything they
have control or power over
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and nothing seems to be
working, then they just give up.
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It's almost like, you
know, the computer shuts down.
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Their emotions just go blank.
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"Your marriage is in
trouble when one partner
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is over critical; very
critical and sensitive and makes
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an issue over everything. "
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That clearly indicates problems.
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While you should be open
to feedback and you should
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certainly be able to communicate
effectively, if you're
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only criticized or criticizing,
then that's not a good thing.
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"Your marriage is in
trouble when one partner
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feels stretched out.
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'I have reached my
limit. I've done my best.
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I don't think there's any
more I can do for this marriage
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and I am tired of trying. '"
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That must be such a
sad state to get to.
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Because a marriage is
designed to be a happy union,
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to be a harmonious relationship.
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And if you get to a point
in your relationship where you
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give up or you think you
have done everything you can
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and you're at the end
of your rope, then you
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definitely need help.
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I also believe that your
marriage is in trouble when
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one partner is insensitive.
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You know, sensitivity
goes a long way in helping
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marital relationships to grow
and to bond and to be stronger.
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When one individual
is insensitive, however,
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to one's feelings,
insensitive to one's pain,
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insensitive to one's
problem, or whatever it is,
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insensitivity can
drive a dagger into the heart
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of the next person.
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So, yes, the marriage is in
trouble if you find a partner
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that is very insensitive to you.
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It is the goal of all
relationships to be happy,
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to problem solve
if there are problems,
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to get help if you're not
able to resolve the problems.
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But certainly, not
to stay in disharmony.
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So the challenge is
that we should recognize when
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there is a problem
and get help early.
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Okay, let's look at
some possible causes now.
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We have given you some
scenarios as to what could cause
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a marriage to be in
trouble, or when it's in trouble
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when these things are happening.
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It's in trouble when
these things are happening.
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What might be some
of the possible causes?
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I think there are
a myriad of causes.
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But among the ones I can
think of are, people sometimes
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don't take responsibility
for for how they're
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contributing to the problem.
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And so they point fingers
or they blame the other person.
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And if you're in a relationship
where there are problems,
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even if the other person is
directly contributing to it,
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chances are the way
you're adjusting or not,
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the way you're
relating, the way you respond,
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or the way you're communicating,
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there's something you're doing
that's feeding that behavior.
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So both of you must take
responsibility to resolve it.
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A marriage problem is not
just one person's problem.
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It is a problem between "us".
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You're listening to us.
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And if you have a rigid mindset,
that would be a problem.
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That's a cause for a problem
in the marital relationship.
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You see, human beings
are not static human beings.
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We're dynamic.
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The way God created us,
we're dynamic human beings.
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We're able to change.
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Change our
positions, reflect, go back on.
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That kind of a thing.
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But if you are rigid,
if you are inflexible,
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if it is just what I
say, what I want, what I feel,
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if you have this
kind of rigid mentality,
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you are creating
problems in the marriage.
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There are times when
there will be difficulties.
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There are times
when you will say things
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that upset each other.
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There are times when
you'll frustrate each other.
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But you are on the same team.
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Your goal is to work it through.
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So when you do something
and you say, "I'm sorry,"
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it means it's gone.
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It should be a
thing of the past.
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Let it go.
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But if you carry grudges
and keep bringing back the past
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and throwing back the past in
the person's face, as it were,
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then you are going to be
an agitant to the problems.
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Let's talk a little
about unfulfilled dreams
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in relationships.
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Because a lot of times
individuals are frustrated
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in their relationship because
they feel unaccomplished,
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they feel like
their dreams are not met,
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their goals are not met.
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And how to do live with someone
who is carrying these feelings
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where sometimes they
think you're the cause
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of my unfulfilled dreams?
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"If I hadn't married
you, I would have gone
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on to medical school. "
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If I had not...
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And so you keep
hearing this over and over.
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What does that
do to your psyche?
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It will allow you to feel
like you're in a very bad place.
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You're not responsible for the
personal choices that one makes.
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And so if for whatever reason
being married was a hindrance
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to your progress, then
that is something you have to
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work through, but
not blame your partner.
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If there was something that
your partner did that may have
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hindered your success,
then hey, things happen.
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Don't allow it to
destroy your relationship.
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Work it through.
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So whatever the problem
is, the reality is, move on.
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We're talking about when
your marriage is in trouble.
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Some people possess what
we call, impulse control.
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They just cannot
control themselves.
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They act on
emotion, they act on impulse,
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they are irrational.
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That is
destructive to a relationship.
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When we have poor
impulse control, it means we
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can't regulate our emotions.
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And so yes, that
becomes a real problem.
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Because we are suppose to be
able to control our impulses.
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You get angry but you
don't act on the anger.
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As the Bible says,
you get angry but sin not.
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So while it's a natural
thing for you to get upset
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at some things, you
should be able to control.
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But there are some people
who are just out of control.
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They break things up,
they throw things around,
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they throw tantrums.
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And the funny thing about
it is that sometimes there are
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children in the home and they're
behaving this way and they
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don't understand that this does
have an effect on the children.
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If you're in a relationship
where there's physical abuse,
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that is unacceptable.
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Two partners, two lovers just
shouldn't be behaving like that.
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And that's a very psychological,
emotional, destructive
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way to live.
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So that is
another seminar really.
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But yes, those are signs
that tell you there are problems
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and you need help.
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You know, you talk
about signs and needing help.
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When marriages are in
trouble, often times people feel
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like they can solve
their problem on their own.
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It's this feeling like
if I have a tooth ache,
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I know I am to
go to the dentist.
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If I'm having a heart problem
condition, I know I'm to go
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to see a cardiologist.
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Any medical condition,
I know I need to get help.
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But if the marriage is having
problems, I can take care of it.
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Is that a right
approach, a right attitude?
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That's usually why
the problem escalates
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or the marriage falls apart.
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Because many times, the things
that agitates isn't something
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that the partners are
even aware of sometimes,
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or that they're
resolving on their own.
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And so we do
encourage that they seek help,
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whether the help is
from a spiritual leader,
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or a professional counselor,
or somebody who is objective
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and is able to help you.
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But don't just sit back
and allow your marriage to
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disintegrate simply
because you refused to get help
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thinking it will
automatically go away.
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You know, well said.
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One can contribute to
a problem in a marriage
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when you minimize
an individual's pain.
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What should be the reaction?
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Together, here we are.
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We have been married
for these many years and
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we thank God for that.
00:11:35.19\00:11:36.75
But we're in a marital
relationship and if I say
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I'm frustrated about something
or I'm hurting about something,
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should you minimize my
pain, should you ignore it?
00:11:45.45\00:11:48.67
Should you act as if,
"Well, you're an adult.
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Go deal with it. "
00:11:50.71\00:11:51.79
What should be your attitude?
00:11:51.82\00:11:53.54
I need to feel with
you. It's called empathy.
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Put myself in your place.
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While I may not quite
understand what you're feeling,
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the reality is that I
want to share your pain.
00:12:01.64\00:12:03.75
So no, I don't
want to discount it.
00:12:03.78\00:12:06.19
I don't want to minimize it.
00:12:06.22\00:12:07.40
I don't want to say, "Oh,
you're being a kid, grow up. "
00:12:07.43\00:12:10.36
I want to listen to
what you have to say,
00:12:10.39\00:12:12.18
find out what and where
the pain is coming from,
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and help you if
I can to get help.
00:12:14.67\00:12:17.70
What if I shut down emotionally
because I want to register
00:12:17.73\00:12:23.13
a protest, so I
shut down emotionally?
00:12:23.16\00:12:26.52
What should be your...
00:12:26.55\00:12:28.33
Unfortunately, God has not given
us the power to read minds.
00:12:28.36\00:12:32.63
And while we might be able to
interpret nonverbal's at times,
00:12:32.66\00:12:36.40
the truth is if you
talk about what's going on,
00:12:36.43\00:12:40.05
then your partner
can assist you better.
00:12:40.08\00:12:43.00
So shutting down and withdrawing
is a very negative way to
00:12:43.03\00:12:46.72
try to resolve a problem.
00:12:46.73\00:12:48.58
There are always
problems in relationships.
00:12:49.08\00:12:52.42
We're talking today about when
your marriage is in trouble.
00:12:52.45\00:12:56.27
There is so much we need to
talk about and there is so much
00:12:56.30\00:12:59.14
we want to share with you.
00:12:59.17\00:13:00.40
And we want to take you
into the area of what to do.
00:13:00.43\00:13:03.65
Perhaps your
marriage is in trouble.
00:13:03.68\00:13:06.03
Perhaps you have been
challenged at this time.
00:13:06.06\00:13:09.32
What do you do?
Where do you go from here?
00:13:09.35\00:13:11.96
Those are some of the
issues we want to address
00:13:11.97\00:13:14.94
and some of the
questions we want to answer.
00:13:14.97\00:13:17.75
So in our break, make sure
you stay right where you are.
00:13:17.78\00:13:20.92
Don't go anywhere
because we will be right back.
00:13:20.95\00:13:23.74
Families are a
challenge, but by God's grace
00:13:23.77\00:13:26.81
families can be helped.
00:13:26.84\00:13:28.66
There are many "How
To" books available,
00:13:34.78\00:13:36.79
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:36.82\00:13:40.06
"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
00:13:40.09\00:13:42.52
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:42.55\00:13:46.54
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:46.57\00:13:49.30
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:13:49.33\00:13:52.23
and everyone in between.
00:13:52.26\00:13:53.74
Simply call or
write for your free copy.
00:13:53.77\00:13:56.34
Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:07.27\00:14:09.92
We're talking about when
your marriage is in trouble.
00:14:09.95\00:14:14.09
And yes, there are so many
marriages that are in trouble.
00:14:14.12\00:14:18.99
And we're here to do what we
can do to help your marriage.
00:14:19.02\00:14:23.94
We're encouraging
you, if something is wrong
00:14:23.97\00:14:26.97
don't walk away.
00:14:27.00\00:14:28.59
Try as best as
you can to get help.
00:14:28.62\00:14:31.71
After all, we did pledge
"for better or for worse. "
00:14:31.72\00:14:35.37
Now there are some factors
that can cause a marriage
00:14:35.40\00:14:40.30
to be in trouble.
00:14:40.33\00:14:41.35
What would you
say to your listeners?
00:14:42.18\00:14:44.79
What are some of these factors?
00:14:44.82\00:14:46.37
Earlier we talked about
some of the things that creates
00:14:46.88\00:14:49.47
the problems and
puts one in trouble.
00:14:49.50\00:14:52.77
But I think in
general terms, we might say
00:14:52.80\00:14:55.82
there could be
religious incompatibility
00:14:55.85\00:14:57.99
or spiritual incompatibility.
00:14:58.02\00:14:59.53
You might be of the same faith
but you're at different levels
00:14:59.56\00:15:03.66
in your spiritual journey.
00:15:03.69\00:15:05.10
And you're just not
getting the stimulation and the
00:15:05.13\00:15:08.13
encouragement and the
support from your partner.
00:15:08.16\00:15:10.82
You may, for example in
some homes, you might avoid
00:15:10.83\00:15:16.40
having family worship
and it is important to the
00:15:16.43\00:15:19.07
other partner to have it.
00:15:19.10\00:15:21.04
So that could create a problem.
00:15:21.07\00:15:23.12
Or tithe paying, even.
00:15:23.15\00:15:24.64
A lot of times, that creates
a lot of problems in families.
00:15:24.67\00:15:29.01
One person believes that they
should return a faithful tithe,
00:15:29.04\00:15:31.96
the other person does not feel.
00:15:31.97\00:15:33.93
And so there are religious
factors that can create.
00:15:33.96\00:15:37.18
How about social factors?
00:15:37.19\00:15:38.96
That sometimes
is a major problem.
00:15:38.97\00:15:41.40
The way one socializes
and the way you divide your
00:15:41.41\00:15:46.55
social network or
integrate the social network
00:15:46.56\00:15:49.67
can create a problem.
00:15:49.68\00:15:50.96
For example, if you
have a network of friends
00:15:50.97\00:15:54.58
that isn't inclusive and
your partner feels like there
00:15:54.59\00:15:59.69
are secret relationships
and you have divested energy
00:15:59.70\00:16:04.35
from the relationship
into these other friendships,
00:16:04.36\00:16:07.20
then that becomes a
point of pain many times.
00:16:07.21\00:16:10.20
Would this be
considered a social factor too,
00:16:10.21\00:16:12.39
like we call a syndrome,
the Peter Pan syndrome;
00:16:12.40\00:16:15.96
men who haven't grown
up, men who have left home,
00:16:15.97\00:16:19.20
that it creates a problem
for the marital relationship
00:16:19.21\00:16:23.13
because they're acting
like boys when they should
00:16:23.14\00:16:26.36
be grown up men.
00:16:26.37\00:16:27.34
And I think the reverse
can be true where some women
00:16:27.84\00:16:30.75
just don't take on the
role that the mother and wife
00:16:30.76\00:16:33.54
should be playing and they act
like they're little girls still
00:16:33.55\00:16:36.18
playing with dolls rather than
being in a real life experience.
00:16:36.19\00:16:39.68
So it could go either way.
00:16:39.69\00:16:41.09
How about economic factors?
00:16:41.10\00:16:42.73
That's probably one of the major
problems that marriages have.
00:16:42.74\00:16:46.25
Issues on spending, budgeting.
00:16:46.26\00:16:48.45
The feeling of being in control.
00:16:48.46\00:16:50.54
The feeling that, you
know, "I work, it's my money.
00:16:50.55\00:16:53.48
I can buy what I want. "
00:16:53.49\00:16:54.47
And so there is no budgeting,
there is no organized spending.
00:16:54.50\00:16:58.10
And so the resources are
not tied together for the
00:16:58.11\00:17:01.41
common good of the family.
00:17:01.42\00:17:03.14
And we should add to this
list the education factor.
00:17:03.15\00:17:07.04
Education is a factor
because sometimes that creates
00:17:07.05\00:17:10.74
problems in the relationship.
00:17:10.75\00:17:12.13
You know, it's amazing,
it's strange how when two people
00:17:12.14\00:17:15.43
are dating, when two people
are in love, that often times
00:17:15.44\00:17:19.22
they don't look at some of
these variables, these factors
00:17:19.23\00:17:21.53
that we're talking about.
00:17:21.54\00:17:22.58
And so one individual
might be highly educated and the
00:17:22.59\00:17:25.37
next person is not,
and it's no problem.
00:17:25.38\00:17:27.28
But after they are
married, then they start having
00:17:27.29\00:17:30.17
different problems in social
settings where they want to go,
00:17:30.18\00:17:33.52
one is not comfortable going,
then the issue of education
00:17:33.53\00:17:37.07
comes into play.
00:17:37.08\00:17:38.35
And one starts saying, "Well
yes, because you're educated
00:17:38.36\00:17:41.22
and you think I'm not. "
00:17:41.23\00:17:42.25
And that can
create a lot of havoc.
00:17:42.26\00:17:44.89
So we're saying that's something
that you need to examine.
00:17:44.92\00:17:48.47
The final one I think we
should look at is ethnicity;
00:17:48.48\00:17:51.59
the ethnic factor.
00:17:51.60\00:17:53.20
There are many families who
are in relationships that are
00:17:53.63\00:17:57.25
blended from
different cultures and different
00:17:57.26\00:17:59.37
ethnic backgrounds and
are doing well and are able
00:17:59.38\00:18:01.61
to communicate effectively.
00:18:01.62\00:18:02.87
But there are others who,
sometimes there are cultural
00:18:02.88\00:18:05.05
nuances that creates
difficulties in understanding
00:18:05.06\00:18:07.85
and comprehending behavior.
00:18:07.86\00:18:09.29
And it sometimes gets
stereotyped or you know,
00:18:09.30\00:18:12.14
it creates trauma.
00:18:12.15\00:18:14.16
So yeah, those are
sometimes issues that
00:18:14.17\00:18:16.94
places a marriage in trouble.
00:18:16.95\00:18:19.01
When your
marriage is in trouble.
00:18:19.02\00:18:22.28
We have identified some
of the factors, some of the
00:18:22.29\00:18:24.73
causative factors that can
make a marriage troublesome.
00:18:24.74\00:18:29.57
The question that we
must now ask and address is,
00:18:29.58\00:18:33.54
where do you go from here?
00:18:33.55\00:18:35.24
What do you do?
00:18:35.25\00:18:37.08
And we want to say to
you, the first step that you
00:18:37.09\00:18:40.74
must take is commitment.
00:18:40.75\00:18:43.14
You both must make a commitment
that you want to stay together.
00:18:43.15\00:18:48.74
Now I'm cognitive of the
fact that one hand cannot clap.
00:18:48.75\00:18:52.68
It takes two people
to make this commitment.
00:18:52.69\00:18:55.44
So we're encouraging
both parties, both spouses,
00:18:55.45\00:18:59.24
to make a commitment because
that's the first starting point.
00:18:59.25\00:19:02.44
That you both commit that,
"We are willing to hang in there
00:19:02.45\00:19:06.26
and to work
this thing through. "
00:19:06.27\00:19:07.64
Now once there's a commitment,
I think that next step
00:19:07.65\00:19:10.58
is to clarify what you perceive,
either of you perceive,
00:19:10.59\00:19:15.44
as the problem.
00:19:15.45\00:19:16.43
Because what I find in listening
to families or couples who
00:19:16.44\00:19:19.56
have problems is that one person
thinks this is the problem,
00:19:19.57\00:19:23.08
and then you ask the other
person from their perspective
00:19:23.09\00:19:25.08
what is the
problem, and they have a
00:19:25.09\00:19:26.39
total different perception.
00:19:26.40\00:19:28.26
So it is important that you're
dealing with the same issue
00:19:28.27\00:19:30.98
and that both of you are
resolving the same issue.
00:19:30.99\00:19:33.76
Because then you
could be operating on
00:19:33.77\00:19:36.20
two different planes.
00:19:36.21\00:19:37.27
You know, June, one
of the things I hear,
00:19:37.28\00:19:39.74
and I'm sure you too
among our clients that come in
00:19:39.75\00:19:43.69
for counseling, is
the notion of listening.
00:19:43.70\00:19:46.89
It seems as if listening
has become the long lost art.
00:19:46.90\00:19:51.44
But I hear a lot of spouses
complaining that their partner
00:19:51.45\00:19:56.52
does not listen.
00:19:56.53\00:19:57.69
That they get frustrated
and flustered when they're
00:19:57.70\00:20:00.44
speaking to their partner and
they're not listening to them.
00:20:00.45\00:20:04.18
Do you find that to be...
00:20:04.19\00:20:06.41
I think in general whether
you're in a marriage or not,
00:20:06.42\00:20:09.01
listening is a very difficult
skill for people to have.
00:20:09.02\00:20:11.47
We like to talk, talk, talk.
00:20:11.48\00:20:13.46
And we just find
it difficult listen.
00:20:13.47\00:20:16.54
So it's a skill, it's
an art, that people really
00:20:16.55\00:20:18.76
have to develop.
00:20:18.77\00:20:19.79
And it creates difficulties.
00:20:19.80\00:20:22.54
Wives often complain especially,
"My husband doesn't listen.
00:20:22.55\00:20:25.96
Or if I'm speaking to
him, he's watching football
00:20:25.97\00:20:28.12
at the same time. "
00:20:28.13\00:20:29.16
Or the child who comes to
talk to the parent, you know,
00:20:29.17\00:20:32.82
the parent is multitasking while
the child is communicating.
00:20:32.83\00:20:35.69
So yes, listening
can be a challenge.
00:20:35.70\00:20:38.01
And that is something
that is very essential
00:20:38.02\00:20:39.75
if you're going to
work towards a resolution.
00:20:39.76\00:20:41.99
But if that father is sitting
on the couch watching his
00:20:42.00\00:20:46.68
favorite sports come playoff,
and you know, he's into the game
00:20:46.69\00:20:50.68
and the wife comes talking
to him, is it that he's not
00:20:50.69\00:20:54.47
listening or he's not
hearing, he's not communicating?
00:20:54.48\00:20:57.81
What's happening right there?
00:20:57.82\00:20:58.97
He isn't listening to
her, but he is communicating.
00:20:58.98\00:21:02.53
He's saying, "Leave me alone,
I'm doing what I want to do. "
00:21:02.54\00:21:05.50
And that of course pushes
her away and creates other
00:21:05.51\00:21:08.55
kinds of problems.
00:21:08.56\00:21:09.54
Okay, we're
talking about what to do.
00:21:09.55\00:21:11.62
We have problems in the
relationship, what to do.
00:21:11.63\00:21:14.20
Now here we are, we
want to talk about the issue.
00:21:14.40\00:21:19.18
Should we talk about
the person or should we talk
00:21:19.19\00:21:23.79
about the problem?
00:21:23.80\00:21:25.24
Once you both have committed
that you want to stay married,
00:21:25.25\00:21:28.49
and you both decide on
what the mutual problem is,
00:21:28.50\00:21:31.83
then yes, you need
to stay with the issue.
00:21:31.84\00:21:34.63
You stay away from descriptions
and adjectives about the person.
00:21:34.64\00:21:37.92
"You are like your father. "
00:21:37.93\00:21:39.70
"You are such a
terrible wife. " Whatever.
00:21:39.71\00:21:41.76
You don't
describe the individual.
00:21:41.77\00:21:42.91
You say, "When you
leave my laundry undone,
00:21:42.92\00:21:47.32
you know, it
frustrates me because I assume
00:21:47.33\00:21:50.16
I have clean clothes
and I go and there's none. "
00:21:50.17\00:21:52.70
So you talk about
what's causing the problem
00:21:52.71\00:21:54.83
and what the issue
is that's the upset,
00:21:54.84\00:21:57.10
but not about
the two individuals.
00:21:57.11\00:21:58.89
So you're saying,
focus on the issue.
00:21:58.90\00:22:01.01
You should also
accept responsibility.
00:22:01.02\00:22:04.00
One of the things that
causes marital breakdown
00:22:04.01\00:22:07.39
and why there are a
lot of arguments and fights
00:22:07.40\00:22:10.23
is that people fail to
accept responsibility for what
00:22:10.24\00:22:13.85
they have done.
00:22:13.86\00:22:15.24
Often times a spouse
comes into me and they will say
00:22:15.25\00:22:18.09
something like this,
"My spouse is never wrong.
00:22:18.10\00:22:22.57
He can never admit to a wrong. "
00:22:22.58\00:22:25.53
As individuals, you know, the
Bible says, "Except ye become
00:22:25.54\00:22:29.51
as little children,
ye cannot enter into the
00:22:29.52\00:22:32.20
kingdom of heaven. "
00:22:32.21\00:22:33.22
That's talking about humility.
00:22:33.23\00:22:34.92
So we have to be humble
enough to see the part that
00:22:34.93\00:22:38.59
we're playing in
the marital destruction,
00:22:38.60\00:22:41.58
and own it, accept it.
00:22:41.59\00:22:43.47
We have to accept
responsibility for our behavior
00:22:43.48\00:22:47.22
and for our action.
00:22:47.23\00:22:48.89
Another thing that I think
is important is that each person
00:22:49.09\00:22:51.95
in the conversation in their
attempt to resolve this issue
00:22:51.96\00:22:55.88
should, as we said,
speak directly to the issue.
00:22:55.89\00:22:59.16
But identify the concerns
that you have about the dynamic
00:22:59.17\00:23:03.26
that's going on.
00:23:03.27\00:23:04.33
And clearly ask for
what it is that you would
00:23:04.34\00:23:08.75
like to be changed so that you
don't blame the other person.
00:23:08.76\00:23:12.08
You're sticking to
the issue but you're also
00:23:12.09\00:23:14.36
identifying a remedy.
00:23:14.37\00:23:15.40
What do I need from you?
00:23:15.41\00:23:16.85
How can you help me feel
better, or act better, or etc.
00:23:16.86\00:23:20.75
That's what I need.
00:23:20.76\00:23:21.79
Then let me decide how I
will go about doing that.
00:23:21.80\00:23:25.34
So I'm hearing you saying
then that we should not just
00:23:25.35\00:23:29.59
state the problem and we should
not just focus on the problem,
00:23:29.60\00:23:33.35
but we should say, what changes
could we input, implement,
00:23:33.36\00:23:40.30
that would help to
make the situation better.
00:23:40.31\00:23:42.87
So we should also
have some solutions.
00:23:42.88\00:23:45.18
What type of solutions?
00:23:45.19\00:23:46.41
We're working together,
we're on the same team.
00:23:46.42\00:23:48.41
So I state a problem and
I'm saying, "June, I think it
00:23:48.42\00:23:53.04
would be helpful to the
relationship if we could... "
00:23:53.05\00:23:56.47
And I provide a
workable solution.
00:23:56.48\00:23:58.83
It's an act of
compromise as we're trying to
00:23:58.84\00:24:01.97
work through the solution.
00:24:01.98\00:24:02.99
And it's also
providing some remedy.
00:24:03.00\00:24:05.16
Because the expectation is,
you say, "this is a problem,"
00:24:05.17\00:24:08.71
but then you're
assuming the other spouse knows
00:24:08.72\00:24:12.23
what to do about it.
00:24:12.24\00:24:13.29
So if you say, "This is
the problem and this is how it
00:24:13.30\00:24:16.58
would be helpful," or "This
is what I would like or expect,"
00:24:16.59\00:24:19.56
then it allows the
other person some leverage
00:24:19.57\00:24:21.89
and they can either negotiate
the terms of how they deliver,
00:24:21.90\00:24:25.29
but at least they know
what you want different.
00:24:25.30\00:24:27.76
And as you continue this
discussion, this dialogue of
00:24:27.77\00:24:30.42
resolving the conflict, it
is important for you to reaffirm
00:24:30.43\00:24:34.79
your love for each other,
to reaffirm your commitment
00:24:34.80\00:24:39.06
to each other and
your commitment to the
00:24:39.07\00:24:40.96
children and to the family.
00:24:40.97\00:24:42.41
That's important.
00:24:42.42\00:24:43.44
So as you discuss,
reaffirm and express your love
00:24:43.45\00:24:46.62
for each other.
00:24:46.63\00:24:47.93
That's very
helpful to the process.
00:24:47.94\00:24:49.97
Because you know, sometimes
you could be very upset,
00:24:49.98\00:24:52.39
very mad about something
and someone says to you,
00:24:52.40\00:24:54.50
"You know, despite
these challenges that we're
00:24:54.51\00:24:57.31
going through, I still love you.
00:24:57.32\00:24:59.44
And I want you to know
that there's no one else
00:24:59.45\00:25:03.17
outside of you, except you.
00:25:03.18\00:25:04.80
I don't' want to
go anywhere else.
00:25:04.81\00:25:06.39
And so I want us
to work it out. "
00:25:06.40\00:25:08.02
And that is like
magic to the soul.
00:25:08.03\00:25:10.10
It makes you move
towards the person
00:25:10.11\00:25:11.93
in working on a resolution.
00:25:11.94\00:25:13.71
Absolutely, but if
there is somebody else,
00:25:13.72\00:25:16.22
if there is a third
person in the relationship
00:25:16.23\00:25:18.83
and that's causing a
problem, then you also need to
00:25:18.84\00:25:22.30
be able to say,
"This needs to stop. "
00:25:22.31\00:25:25.04
"I expect that you will
cut this relationship off. "
00:25:25.05\00:25:28.42
"This cannot continue. "
"That is unacceptable. " Etc.
00:25:28.43\00:25:31.77
So the person clearly knows you
are determined to stay married
00:25:31.78\00:25:36.04
and to be loyal
and to be faithful.
00:25:36.05\00:25:38.01
And the converse is true to.
00:25:38.02\00:25:40.29
If you really love
your spouse and you want the
00:25:40.30\00:25:43.14
marriage to work, you should
also say, "I am willing to. "
00:25:43.15\00:25:46.36
You understand me?
00:25:46.37\00:25:47.41
It's a symbiotic relationship
so I should be able to say,
00:25:47.42\00:25:50.65
"I am will to. "
00:25:50.66\00:25:52.01
Now if both of us have
this conversation going and
00:25:52.02\00:25:55.47
we're just not getting
any place and we can't seem to
00:25:55.48\00:25:57.70
help ourselves, then
our recommendation is
00:25:57.71\00:26:00.34
get professional help.
00:26:00.35\00:26:01.46
It is important.
00:26:01.47\00:26:02.53
Get professional help.
00:26:02.54\00:26:04.41
Just like how you go see the
dentist, see the cardiologist,
00:26:04.42\00:26:07.24
and what have you.
00:26:07.25\00:26:08.23
Your marriage is important.
00:26:08.24\00:26:10.15
Get professional help.
00:26:10.18\00:26:11.62
On top of that, as we're
working through an issue,
00:26:11.63\00:26:15.45
couples must learn
to start dating again.
00:26:15.46\00:26:18.68
You know some of the little
things they use to do prior to,
00:26:18.69\00:26:21.53
they need to inject some
spark into the relationship.
00:26:21.54\00:26:24.51
There are some relationships
that have become lifeless.
00:26:24.52\00:26:27.22
It's like they're dead and
they need to inject some spark.
00:26:27.23\00:26:29.96
What are some of the
little things they can do to
00:26:29.99\00:26:31.90
inject spark into the
relationship and spice it up?
00:26:31.91\00:26:34.91
As we said when we diagnose
a problem, that some of the
00:26:34.92\00:26:38.24
issues are lack of sensitivity,
lack of being responsive to the
00:26:38.25\00:26:42.36
need of the other and just
a dryness to the relationship.
00:26:42.37\00:26:46.03
So if you're going to spark
it up then you have to meet the
00:26:46.04\00:26:48.37
needs of the other person.
00:26:48.38\00:26:49.40
You have to be very
touchy feely and be responsive
00:26:49.41\00:26:53.02
to the person's
emotional needs, listen to them.
00:26:53.03\00:26:55.89
Is there anything you
have ever done for your
00:26:55.90\00:26:57.65
husband to spice up?
00:26:57.66\00:26:58.75
Why doesn't my husband
say if there was something?
00:26:59.18\00:27:02.48
Wouldn't that be a
better way to say it?
00:27:02.49\00:27:04.40
One of the things I like that
you do is that you put these
00:27:04.41\00:27:06.94
little love notes in my
lunch box when I'm going to work
00:27:06.95\00:27:10.02
and I read it,
"Oh honey, I love you.
00:27:10.03\00:27:11.61
Have a nice day. "
00:27:11.62\00:27:12.67
But I really appreciate
that and I should let you know.
00:27:13.56\00:27:15.83
Thank you.
00:27:15.84\00:27:16.89
So yes, there are things that
you should do to re-register
00:27:16.90\00:27:21.29
that I'm thinking
about you, that I love you,
00:27:21.30\00:27:23.41
that you're the
oxygen in my life.
00:27:23.42\00:27:25.37
And each other
should share symbiotically.
00:27:25.38\00:27:28.17
And it is true that love
covers a multitude of evil.
00:27:28.18\00:27:32.38
We have been talking
about when your marriage
00:27:32.39\00:27:35.59
is in trouble.
00:27:35.60\00:27:36.59
We have shown you the
problem and what to do.
00:27:36.60\00:27:39.23
We hope by God's
grace you will do something
00:27:39.24\00:27:41.92
about your marriage.
00:27:41.93\00:27:43.03
Yes, again we will emphasize,
put Jesus Christ at the heart
00:27:43.04\00:27:47.31
of your marital relationship.
00:27:47.32\00:27:48.89
We want you to be happy.
00:27:48.90\00:27:50.39
We want your
children to be happy.
00:27:50.40\00:27:52.12
Remember, you must
commit yourself to build
00:27:52.13\00:27:55.15
stronger
families against all odds.
00:27:55.16\00:27:58.78
Trust in the Lord
with all thine might.
00:27:58.79\00:28:00.94
He will bless you.
00:28:00.95\00:28:01.97
Thank you.
00:28:01.98\00:28:03.04