Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000072
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June. 00:37 And we're here today to talk about challenges children face 00:43 in blended families. 00:45 Now this is a topic that affects a lot of people 00:51 around the world because we do have a lot of blended families. 00:56 But when we say "blended families", what are we 00:59 talking about here? 01:00 The assumption most people make is that when we talk about 01:05 families, we're talking about people who fell in love, 01:10 got married, and started a family. 01:12 But we have so many different family forms. 01:14 So the blended family is one form where the assumption is 01:19 each person in the family existed in 01:22 another family before. 01:24 So you may have been a widowed person who had children 01:27 or you might have been divorced, and now you're both 01:30 coming together to start a new family. 01:32 So you're bringing your children from the family before 01:37 and now we're blending. 01:38 So in this kind of a setting, we do have a lot of children 01:44 that are existing today in blended families. 01:48 Do you have an idea what percentage this might be? 01:51 Usually the statistics show that there are about 60% of 01:54 adolescents who exist in blended families; 01:58 children who will live with someone other than their 02:01 biological parent before they actually reach age 18. 02:05 Wow. 02:06 Now we have the nuclear family and we have the blended family, 02:13 and there are certain problems that co-exists with both 02:18 family settings and family structure. 02:22 But one could easily imagine that with the blended families, 02:26 there are additional problems, new sets of rules here. 02:30 What are we talking about? 02:32 You can well imagine if a family existed before 02:36 that there is a network out there; their in-laws, 02:39 their extended families, etc. 02:41 So that here you have two sets of families with all these 02:45 dynamics going on who are now coming together to 02:48 start a new family. 02:50 So you have a set of children who have grandparents 02:54 from the original set of parents, and then you have 02:58 the other parent who have children 03:00 with other grandparents. 03:02 And now you have these in-laws and uncles and aunts. 03:04 And so that's going to redefine the structure of the family. 03:08 But that blending, however, one should not assume that 03:12 it's an easy blending. 03:13 Because you could have conflicts like when there are holidays. 03:18 One set of grandchildren may want to go to that grandparent 03:23 or those grandparents, and the other set may 03:25 want to go to the other. 03:26 So you have a family that we say, they're blended, 03:29 but here now it's holiday time and they are split apart, 03:32 they're going different ways. 03:34 That's a strong possibility. 03:35 That happens frequently and so you have to develop new 03:39 boundaries, establish different sets of rules, so that everybody 03:43 hopefully can be agreed. 03:45 I would imagine also that finance would be one of the 03:49 challenges that blended families would face, 03:51 as we talk about alimony and those things. 03:55 If that is involved, certainly the new family is going to 03:59 have to make adjustments. 04:01 There will be very different ways in which the resources 04:05 are allocated or even available to assist the new family. 04:10 And we're talking about child support and that kind of thing. 04:12 Now this strikes a chord in my mind. 04:20 Those of you listening and you're not married, 04:23 but there is someone that you're in love with and 04:27 there's this possibility that you will form a blended family, 04:30 it is very important for you to go into counseling. 04:36 This is important. 04:37 You know, we say nuclear families getting together 04:41 should go through premarital counseling, and that is 04:44 so important, but now when you are going into a blended family 04:48 situation, the challenges are even greater. 04:51 Hence the need for counseling. 04:54 And we're not talking about short-term counseling now. 04:56 It should be long-term counseling. 04:58 We certainly recommend that all individuals considering 05:03 a marriage, whether you are a first time marriage 05:06 as in a nuclear setting, or a blended family, 05:08 you really do need to go into discuss many and most of 05:12 the issues that you will likely face. 05:15 How about the relationship with the ex-spouse? 05:18 I am marrying this individual who was married before. 05:23 Is there any concern I should have or anything about 05:28 his or her ex-spouse? 05:30 That sometimes becomes another issue in the relationship. 05:34 You have children with an ex-spouse and that person is 05:38 going to be involved in your life. 05:40 And so, yes, there are new sets of rules that will 05:42 have to be established. 05:43 And the partner who is the new step-father or husband 05:50 will need to work with the wife, or vice versa, to accommodate 05:55 the relationship with the ex-spouse. 05:58 We're talking about children in blended families and 06:03 some of the challenges that they face. 06:05 And you can imagine that a child or children moving into 06:09 a new home, a new environment, a new setting, after they had 06:13 bonded and settled in one family form before, 06:17 it would pose certain challenges. 06:19 For example, for the child there's this fear of the future. 06:24 "What's going to happen to Me?" 06:25 They had anchored their life, their hope, their everything, 06:29 in the first family setting. 06:31 And now they're thrust into a new one. 06:33 And for them they're saying, "Will this break up again? 06:36 Should I hold on or latch on to this family to say, this is it? 06:41 Or four, five, six years down the road, is there going to be 06:44 another disruption in this family?" 06:46 So the fear of the future is a logical concern for children. 06:51 Sometimes it actually causes trauma. 06:54 The child just becomes totally upset and frightened 07:00 that their life is disrupted and it is difficult 07:04 for them to cope. 07:05 And so they just get real angry, frustrated, they get clingy 07:11 to the custodial parent, etc. 07:13 They sometimes fear abandonment. 07:15 The reality is, if you grow up with your mom and dad 07:18 in your home and all of a sudden you're thrust into a new family, 07:22 it's a little frightening for a child to understand 07:24 those dynamics, sometime even for the adult themselves really. 07:27 But yes, it creates real trauma for the child sometimes. 07:31 And parents, sometimes you will notice a kind of a 07:35 passive aggressive behavior in your child or in your children. 07:39 And sometimes you will not know where this is coming from 07:41 or why they're acting up so suddenly and you say, 07:44 is this the child I had 5 years or 10 or whatever 07:47 the period of time might be. 07:49 And you are wondering. 07:50 But you need to understand that sometimes it is because of this 07:53 transition, this new family that they have been brought into. 07:57 And sometimes a child has not accepted fully this transition 08:01 and so they develop this passive aggressive behavior. 08:04 Usually, Alanzo, what tends to happen at times is the parents 08:07 who get together, who fall in love and they're now 08:09 all passionate about this new relationship, they're focused 08:12 tends to be on the lover; the new husband, the new wife. 08:17 And they just assume that the child is equally excited 08:20 and will adapt, not understanding that the 08:24 emotional trauma or problems exist in the ways they do. 08:29 So it is really important that blended families discuss these 08:33 issues before and learn about how to deal with them. 08:36 And sometimes too, June, there's what you call 08:40 an adjustment to the financial status of the home 08:45 and of the children. 08:48 Because it could be that in the first marriage it was a more 08:51 affluent home, the standard of living was at a certain level 08:57 and the child was in a full sized house, had his or her own 09:02 bedroom, etc, etc, a backyard to play in. 09:05 But in this new family, they might have moved into an 09:07 apartment, they might have to share bedrooms with another 09:11 sibling that they're not so much accustomed to. 09:13 And there are so many different changes, the standard of living 09:16 has decreased to some extent. 09:19 And while the two lovers can make the adjustment because 09:23 you're in love and you understand what's happening 09:27 and you're willing to make that adjustment, for the child, 09:30 they can't understand why. 09:31 "Why did you have to break up?" 09:32 "Why did I have to leave my mommy?" 09:34 "Why did I have to leave my daddy?" 09:35 "And look what I'm reduced to now. " 09:37 So sometimes that can cause problems for you. 09:40 And as a result, you have increased the potential 09:43 for increased psychological needs. 09:45 You have children who, as I said, younger children 09:48 get traumatized, adolescents start acting out. 09:51 There are conflicts between the new step parent 09:54 in the way they're administering discipline or boundaries 09:57 and it just becomes sometimes conflictual. 10:00 Now in some blended families, there are easy and smooth 10:03 transitions and everyone seems to get along. 10:05 But in others, you have a lot of problems. 10:08 I actually heard of a situation where there was a blended family 10:13 and the young children from mother's or wife's 10:17 original marriage were joined with two other children 10:22 from the father's or husband's family. 10:25 And these four children were now living in the same home 10:28 and they just could not get along with the step mother 10:32 because they saw her as replacing their mother. 10:37 And although the new wife had nothing to do with the 10:40 relationship that broke down, the children blamed her. 10:44 She becomes the victim. 10:46 And she had such problems just trying to explain to them 10:50 that she loves them and she's, you know, never going to 10:53 replace their mom, but she is now their step mother 10:56 and it's okay. 10:57 The kids just never accepted her. 10:58 We're talking about conditions in the home of blended families 11:02 and some of the challenges that children face. 11:06 You know, it is also possible that a child could move 11:11 from a home where there was a positive role model 11:14 into a home where the role model is not so positive. 11:17 They might have had a mommy or a daddy that 11:20 re-enforces clear boundaries and relates to them 11:25 in a special way, they were hugging, they were kissing, 11:28 touching, whatever it was. 11:29 They were accustomed to what they use to get. 11:32 Now they moved into another family and they might be 11:34 getting from one parent but the other parent is not there. 11:38 And so that could create a problem as well. 11:41 And that leads the child to become irritable, 11:44 to become clingy to the custodial parent, 11:47 to really have difficulties in adjusting to this new context. 11:55 The assumption we're making here, June, is that the children 11:58 we're talking about are older ones. 12:01 You know, 12 and 13 and beyond. 12:04 But sometimes we have younger children, smaller ones, 12:08 in this kind of a situation. 12:10 And they're processing is far different. 12:13 What are some of the things that one could expect to see 12:17 in the life of a younger child who is caught up in this 12:20 blended family structure? 12:22 It's even worse for the younger child. 12:23 They get really attached to the custodial parent. 12:26 In fact, there's almost separation anxiety 12:28 because in the child's mind, this one parent that 12:31 I now have is all I have and will they leave as well 12:35 or will I be abandoned. 12:37 And so they get irritable, they have difficulties adjusting 12:40 to their eating habits. 12:42 If they're in school, they just don't perform well or 12:46 they're acting out in ways that are real strange in character. 12:49 So these kids really need a lot of understanding and support 12:52 in order to adjust to the new setting. 12:54 We're talking about challenges children face 12:59 in blended families. 13:00 We have a lot more to talk about when we come back. 13:03 We have to take a break now, but we will come back. 13:06 We want you to stay with us because this 13:09 is an important topic. 13:10 There are so many families that are involved in this situation. 13:14 And the children, they are the ones that we want you to 13:17 understand some of the issues, the challenges, the pain, 13:20 the problems that they're going through, their frustration. 13:23 The more you understand, the better you're able 13:25 to help your children. 13:26 Remember, don't go away. We'll be right back. 13:29 Thank you. 13:37 There are many "How To" books available, 13:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:42 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:45 Bible-based matrimonial advice is give in a light-hearted 13:49 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:51 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:54 and everyone in between. 13:56 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:10 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:13 We're talking about blended families and the challenges 14:17 that children face. 14:19 Well, we have looked at some of the issues and we talked about 14:24 the problems children can possibly face as they 14:29 move into this new environment. 14:31 What would you consider to be some of the basic needs 14:35 of these children in this setting? 14:39 As we said, here are these kids who are just picked out 14:43 from their original setting and placed in a strange setting. 14:47 As much as they may know the individuals in the new dynamic, 14:51 the reality is that this child is processing, 14:55 "What's going to happen to me? 14:56 I lived with my mom for a long time after the death of my dad, 15:02 or the separation of my parents, and now, hmmm, I'm going to 15:06 have to share rooms with two other people? 15:09 Or I'm going to have a new dad who is going to 15:12 probably discipline me when I do something wrong. " 15:15 Or there's a... 15:16 Have I lost my dad now because of this new lover he has? 15:21 Have I lost my mom now because of this new lover she has? 15:25 No longer is all the attention on me. 15:28 So all those dynamics are going. 15:30 You know, I had a classic case where this 9 year old, 15:35 she was doing very well in school, and then 15:38 all of a sudden the mother remarried. 15:42 And her grades just started plunging. 15:46 I'm talking about a girl who was a straight "A" child in school, 15:50 she now started making "C's" and "D's" and "F's". 15:54 And the mother could not understand. 15:56 It was not until they went through counseling 15:59 they realized that there was a strong correlation between 16:02 the new marriage and the child's performance. 16:04 Because before she use to sleep with her mom, 16:08 they'd share a bed, they'd go out together on 16:11 vacations, and what have you. 16:12 And it was just the two of them bonding. 16:14 But in this case now, someone replaced her. 16:17 She could no longer sleep in the bed with her mom, 16:19 somebody else was sleeping there. 16:20 She did not have this exclusivity with her mom 16:23 and that created the problem. 16:25 And for a child, you can understand how 16:28 difficult that must be. 16:29 But the reality is, this is a new setting and the child... 16:33 life has to go on, as it were. 16:35 And so what we want to do now is talk about how do you 16:38 adapt and what should parents do to assist the children 16:41 in meeting these needs. 16:43 First of all, I think the parent should assure the child 16:48 of their love and of safety. 16:52 Help them to understand, you have not lost your mommy, 16:55 you have not lost your daddy, and I love you. 16:58 And by taking on a new person does not change your role 17:03 and your relationship with me. 17:04 That assurance is very, very important and provides safety 17:08 and comfort for the child or for the children. 17:11 And I think more importantly, the new parent, the step parent, 17:17 really needs to be sensitive to the whining and the 17:20 upset of the child. 17:21 Because what tends to happen is the step parent has difficulty 17:25 accepting the behavior. 17:27 Sometimes they'll come in and say, 17:28 "Oh, you have spoiled that girl. " 17:29 "You have spoiled that boy. Come on. " You know? 17:31 And it's like they're coming down with some kind 17:34 of a Draconian role. 17:35 "Let me set the record straight from now on. " 17:38 "I'm not your mommy. " "I'm not your daddy. " 17:41 "And If they spoil you, I'm not going to do that. " 17:43 You're in for trouble. 17:45 So you're pushing the child away. 17:46 And the funny thing about it is, if you keep taking that attitude 17:50 your spouse now, they start pulling away from you 17:54 because they don't like what's happening to the child. 17:57 And usually that's where the problem begins 17:59 because the custodial parent becomes real guarded 18:03 about the relationship. 18:04 And in order to protect the child, they push the 18:07 new spouse away. 18:08 And the custodial parent is thinking that the child has lost 18:11 one parent, I can't afford for the child to 18:14 lose the second parent. 18:15 So they take on a double role of trying to be a mommy 18:18 and a daddy at the same time. 18:19 So this new spouse coming into that dynamics, 18:22 this spouse has to be very careful. 18:25 You have to tread softly and work your way into the 18:29 heart of this child or these children. 18:32 You have to know what you're doing. 18:34 You can't go in demanding. 18:36 If not, you're creating trouble and a short marriage. 18:39 So to a large extent, the step parent is going to have to 18:42 accept the frustration of the child and try to 18:47 bond with the child. 18:48 And because the child is also testing the limits of the 18:52 step parent, so they have to be sure that they're not 18:55 being pushed away. 18:56 There's another dynamic that comes to play in this discussion 19:01 and that is now the ex-parent; the ex-father or the ex-mother. 19:05 What should be the attitude of the parent towards 19:10 the ex-parent, especially as it relates to the child? 19:13 It is very important that the two parents, 19:18 the two biological parents, try to be civil. 19:20 If the ex-parent is antagonizing and sabotaging the relationship 19:27 with the new spouse, then we have an internal nightmare. 19:32 So it is real critical that the custodial parent 19:36 try to relate that the ex-parent will try to sabotage, 19:39 they will say bad things to the child about you, 19:42 they will try to, you know, be hurtful and spiteful. 19:45 But you have to understand that they're feeling rejected, 19:48 they're feeling abandoned, and they don't like you. 19:50 So they're going to try to do that. 19:52 So you have to balance this relationship with your child. 19:55 And sometimes you might even interpret for the child 19:57 what the parent is trying to do. 19:59 So I'm hearing you say then that you shouldn't try to spite 20:03 the ex-parent, you shouldn't try to undermine the ex-parent, 20:06 you shouldn't try to say negative things 20:08 about the ex-parent in the presence of the child, 20:11 because it's not helping the situation. 20:13 No matter how you feel about the ex-parent, no matter how 20:16 angry you feel about the ex-parent, the child 20:18 does not feel that way. 20:19 It is still the child's parent and you shouldn't talk 20:22 badly about that parent. 20:23 Neither should you encourage the ex-parent to talk badly 20:27 about your new spouse. 20:29 How about using your child as a pawn 20:32 to get back at your ex-spouse? 20:33 So that, okay if you don't do so and so, you will not 20:37 see the child, or so and so and the child is withheld. 20:40 So the child stands in the middle and we use 20:43 the child as a pawn. 20:45 Under no circumstances should a child be used as a tool. 20:50 The child is not responsible for all the confusion and 20:53 drama that is occurring. 20:54 So the one thing that the parent wants to do 20:57 is keep your child out of it. 20:59 The issues you have are between you and your ex-spouse. 21:02 Your child is not to be used as a pawn. 21:05 You don't use your child to manipulate the dynamic either 21:09 so that you, instead of speaking directly to your ex-spouse, 21:12 you speak through your child; "Tell you father we need... " 21:15 Speak directly, negotiate the terms with the ex-spouse so that 21:21 your child isn't caught up in the adult issues. 21:23 Because the one thing you need to remember is, 21:26 although this person is no longer married to you, 21:28 this person is still the parent of the child you're parenting. 21:34 And you know, June, one of the things we should say to our 21:38 listeners, those that are connecting with this topic, 21:41 is that you should never allow transference to take place. 21:47 There are some breakups that are bitter and hostile. 21:51 It might have been a marriage, it might have been just a 21:54 relationship that results in a child. 21:56 But whatever it is, it's bitter and it's hostile 21:58 and both of you are angry at each other. 22:01 Now, you should never transfer those angry feelings 22:07 and emotions onto your child. 22:10 Because sometimes you may have a son, and the son is 22:13 the exact replica of the father. 22:19 And every time you see this son, you're seeing this man that 22:22 you hate, you can't take, whatever it is, 22:25 repulsion is coming up. 22:27 And in a subconscious way, you scream at the child, 22:31 you bark at the child, you're angry with the child, 22:33 But it's not the child. It's transference. 22:36 Transference is taking place. 22:37 And you have to watch for that and be careful. 22:41 Forcing your child to take sides. 22:43 There is the pressure of divided loyalty. 22:47 And that sometimes becomes a real difficult thing 22:50 for parents to understand. 22:51 In fact, imagine a father who is remarried, 22:54 who is the custodial parent of the child. 22:57 And the father loves his child but also loves his wife. 23:01 But there are issues between the child and the wife 23:04 and they're trying to work it through so that they can 23:06 be a family. 23:07 And if you're going to talk to the child about what's going on, 23:11 if you have an issue with your spouse, 23:13 then you're asking the child to be an ally to you 23:16 and against your spouse. 23:18 And that is just not what you want to do. 23:20 So age appropriate conversations need to be encouraged 23:24 and you shouldn't unburden your issues on your child. 23:28 So now, developing a structure for the child, 23:32 you should try to work out with your ex-spouse 23:36 some kind of an agreement. 23:39 Like you say, regardless of what is happening between both of us, 23:43 let's see if we can be civil for the child or for 23:47 the children's sake. 23:48 So we need to make that adjustment because the child 23:52 is going to be the one that suffers in the long run. 23:55 So somehow you have to be able to put the differences aside 23:59 and work things out so that it can be for the 24:02 betterment of the child. 24:04 Now one of the main problems that blended families face 24:09 is how discipline is administered. 24:11 And in some settings, it is recommended that 24:14 the custodial parent is the only parent that 24:16 should do the discipline. 24:17 Because the step parent sometimes is misunderstood 24:22 in their approach or in their motives even. 24:25 My recommendation is, if you're going to be a parent, 24:28 whether you're the step parent or you are the custodial parent, 24:31 you should have some autonomy in the way you discipline 24:35 because the child is going to be under your 24:37 supervision at times only. 24:39 And you shouldn't have to wait until the other parent comes 24:42 to say to the child, "What you're doing is inappropriate 24:45 and that's not acceptable. " 24:46 So you're going to be reasonable and be very nonthreatening, 24:50 but you should negotiate to have some autonomy 24:53 to discipline the child. 24:55 So I'm hearing you talking now about the role 24:59 of the step parent. 25:00 And what a role you have. 25:02 Because there are a lot of things you have to do. 25:06 The child, or the children, is in your home and you, 25:11 as June rightly says, you have to be proactive 25:15 in the life of the child. 25:17 You have to set clear boundaries. 25:20 The child must understand what these boundaries are. 25:23 But the one thing you must not allow to happen 25:26 is that you have two sets of boundaries; 25:28 one for your biological child or children where they have the 25:32 freedom to this and they have exclusive rights 25:36 for certain things, but those that you are step parent to, 25:40 then you are more firm and rigid and what have you. 25:43 Because children pick up on these things, and that will 25:45 create more problems. 25:46 So you have to be consistent and fair with all the children. 25:51 It is a difficult thing for blended families. 25:53 But many blended families are doing a good job of it. 25:56 The difficulty comes when the step parent perceives their role 26:02 as less than, and not significant 26:05 as the custodial parent. 26:07 And so they relinquish power. 26:08 And that creates more difficulty for the child. 26:14 We're talking about challenges that children face 26:19 in blended families. 26:21 We are cognizant of the fact that there are many, many 26:25 families out there who are in this situation 26:28 or who have gone through this. 26:30 But we would like to spend a little time to talk to 26:33 those of you who are preparing to enter into this situation. 26:39 There are challenges. 26:41 We are encouraging you to do your homework, 26:45 and to do your homework well. 26:47 It's not a bed of roses. 26:49 There are conflicts out there that they need to get through. 26:52 And so what encouragement would you give a couple 26:56 that is moving in this direction of a blended family? 27:00 The first thing I would say is, seek counsel. 27:02 Understand what it is you're going into. 27:04 Don't assume that because you're in love with someone 27:07 who is in a blended family, everything is going to be 27:11 peachy creamy as your dreams are. 27:13 But know that there will be difficulties ahead, 27:16 but that by God's grace and with an open mind 27:19 and with the right attitude, you can be an effective parent. 27:24 We have been talking about challenges facing children 27:28 in blended families. 27:30 And like all families, there are challenges 27:33 are there are problems. 27:34 Bu the one thing we know, and that is if you make Jesus Christ 27:39 the head of your home, the center of your lives, 27:42 you can all work through these challenges. 27:46 We're encouraging parents, as well as children, 27:49 to allow Jesus Christ to be a part of their life. 27:52 And for those of you in blended families, 27:55 make your home a happy home by allowing Christ 27:58 to be your Master. 27:59 Thank you for listening and God bless. |
Revised 2014-12-17