Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June.
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And we're here today to talk
about challenges children face
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in blended families.
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Now this is a topic
that affects a lot of people
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around the world because we do
have a lot of blended families.
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But when we say
"blended families", what are we
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talking about here?
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The assumption most people
make is that when we talk about
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families, we're talking
about people who fell in love,
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got married, and
started a family.
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But we have so many
different family forms.
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So the blended family is
one form where the assumption is
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each person in
the family existed in
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another family before.
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So you may have been a
widowed person who had children
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or you might have been
divorced, and now you're both
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coming together to
start a new family.
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So you're bringing your
children from the family before
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and now we're blending.
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So in this kind of a setting,
we do have a lot of children
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that are existing
today in blended families.
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Do you have an idea what
percentage this might be?
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Usually the statistics
show that there are about 60% of
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adolescents who
exist in blended families;
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children who will live
with someone other than their
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biological parent before
they actually reach age 18.
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Wow.
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Now we have the nuclear family
and we have the blended family,
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and there are certain problems
that co-exists with both
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family settings
and family structure.
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But one could easily imagine
that with the blended families,
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there are additional problems,
new sets of rules here.
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What are we talking about?
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You can well imagine
if a family existed before
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that there is a network
out there; their in-laws,
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their extended families, etc.
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So that here you have two
sets of families with all these
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dynamics going on who
are now coming together to
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start a new family.
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So you have a set of
children who have grandparents
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from the original set of
parents, and then you have
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the other parent
who have children
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with other grandparents.
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And now you have these
in-laws and uncles and aunts.
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And so that's going to redefine
the structure of the family.
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But that blending, however,
one should not assume that
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it's an easy blending.
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Because you could have conflicts
like when there are holidays.
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One set of grandchildren may
want to go to that grandparent
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or those grandparents,
and the other set may
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want to go to the other.
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So you have a family
that we say, they're blended,
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but here now it's holiday
time and they are split apart,
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they're going different ways.
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That's a strong possibility.
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That happens frequently
and so you have to develop new
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boundaries, establish different
sets of rules, so that everybody
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hopefully can be agreed.
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I would imagine also that
finance would be one of the
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challenges that
blended families would face,
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as we talk about
alimony and those things.
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If that is involved, certainly
the new family is going to
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have to make adjustments.
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There will be very different
ways in which the resources
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are allocated or even available
to assist the new family.
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And we're talking about child
support and that kind of thing.
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Now this strikes
a chord in my mind.
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Those of you listening
and you're not married,
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but there is someone
that you're in love with and
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there's this possibility that
you will form a blended family,
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it is very important for
you to go into counseling.
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This is important.
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You know, we say nuclear
families getting together
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should go through premarital
counseling, and that is
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so important, but now when you
are going into a blended family
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situation, the
challenges are even greater.
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Hence the need for counseling.
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And we're not talking
about short-term counseling now.
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It should be
long-term counseling.
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We certainly recommend
that all individuals considering
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a marriage, whether you
are a first time marriage
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as in a nuclear
setting, or a blended family,
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you really do need to go
into discuss many and most of
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the issues that
you will likely face.
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How about the
relationship with the ex-spouse?
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I am marrying this individual
who was married before.
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Is there any concern I
should have or anything about
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his or her ex-spouse?
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That sometimes becomes another
issue in the relationship.
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You have children with an
ex-spouse and that person is
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going to be
involved in your life.
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And so, yes, there are
new sets of rules that will
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have to be established.
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And the partner who is
the new step-father or husband
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will need to work with the wife,
or vice versa, to accommodate
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the relationship
with the ex-spouse.
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We're talking about
children in blended families and
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some of the
challenges that they face.
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And you can imagine that a
child or children moving into
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a new home, a new environment,
a new setting, after they had
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bonded and settled in
one family form before,
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it would pose
certain challenges.
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For example, for the child
there's this fear of the future.
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"What's going to happen to Me?"
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They had anchored their life,
their hope, their everything,
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in the first family setting.
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And now they're
thrust into a new one.
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And for them they're saying,
"Will this break up again?
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Should I hold on or latch on to
this family to say, this is it?
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Or four, five, six years down
the road, is there going to be
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another
disruption in this family?"
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So the fear of the future is
a logical concern for children.
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Sometimes it
actually causes trauma.
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The child just becomes
totally upset and frightened
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that their life is
disrupted and it is difficult
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for them to cope.
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And so they just get real angry,
frustrated, they get clingy
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to the custodial parent, etc.
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They sometimes fear abandonment.
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The reality is, if you
grow up with your mom and dad
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in your home and all of a sudden
you're thrust into a new family,
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it's a little frightening
for a child to understand
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those dynamics, sometime even
for the adult themselves really.
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But yes, it creates real
trauma for the child sometimes.
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And parents, sometimes
you will notice a kind of a
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passive aggressive behavior in
your child or in your children.
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And sometimes you will not
know where this is coming from
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or why they're acting
up so suddenly and you say,
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is this the child I had
5 years or 10 or whatever
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the period of time might be.
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And you are wondering.
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But you need to understand that
sometimes it is because of this
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transition, this new family that
they have been brought into.
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And sometimes a child has not
accepted fully this transition
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and so they develop this
passive aggressive behavior.
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Usually, Alanzo, what tends to
happen at times is the parents
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who get together, who
fall in love and they're now
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all passionate about this new
relationship, they're focused
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tends to be on the lover;
the new husband, the new wife.
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And they just assume that
the child is equally excited
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and will adapt, not
understanding that the
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emotional trauma or problems
exist in the ways they do.
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So it is really important that
blended families discuss these
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issues before and learn
about how to deal with them.
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And sometimes too,
June, there's what you call
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an adjustment to the
financial status of the home
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and of the children.
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Because it could be that in
the first marriage it was a more
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affluent home, the standard
of living was at a certain level
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and the child was in a full
sized house, had his or her own
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bedroom, etc, etc,
a backyard to play in.
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But in this new family,
they might have moved into an
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apartment, they might have
to share bedrooms with another
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sibling that they're
not so much accustomed to.
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And there are so many different
changes, the standard of living
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has decreased to some extent.
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And while the two lovers
can make the adjustment because
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you're in love and you
understand what's happening
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and you're willing to make
that adjustment, for the child,
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they can't understand why.
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"Why did you have to break up?"
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"Why did I have
to leave my mommy?"
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"Why did I have
to leave my daddy?"
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"And look what
I'm reduced to now. "
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So sometimes that can
cause problems for you.
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And as a result, you
have increased the potential
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for increased
psychological needs.
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You have children who,
as I said, younger children
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get traumatized,
adolescents start acting out.
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There are conflicts
between the new step parent
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in the way they're administering
discipline or boundaries
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and it just becomes
sometimes conflictual.
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Now in some blended families,
there are easy and smooth
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transitions and
everyone seems to get along.
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But in others, you
have a lot of problems.
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I actually heard of a situation
where there was a blended family
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and the young children
from mother's or wife's
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original marriage were
joined with two other children
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from the father's
or husband's family.
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And these four children
were now living in the same home
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and they just could not
get along with the step mother
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because they saw her
as replacing their mother.
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And although the new wife
had nothing to do with the
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relationship that broke
down, the children blamed her.
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She becomes the victim.
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And she had such problems
just trying to explain to them
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that she loves them and
she's, you know, never going to
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replace their mom, but
she is now their step mother
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and it's okay.
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The kids just
never accepted her.
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We're talking about conditions
in the home of blended families
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and some of the
challenges that children face.
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You know, it is also
possible that a child could move
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from a home where there
was a positive role model
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into a home where the
role model is not so positive.
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They might have had
a mommy or a daddy that
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re-enforces clear
boundaries and relates to them
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in a special way, they
were hugging, they were kissing,
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touching, whatever it was.
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They were accustomed
to what they use to get.
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Now they moved into
another family and they might be
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getting from one parent but
the other parent is not there.
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And so that could
create a problem as well.
00:11:38.31\00:11:41.21
And that leads the
child to become irritable,
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to become clingy to
the custodial parent,
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to really have difficulties in
adjusting to this new context.
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The assumption we're making
here, June, is that the children
00:11:55.28\00:11:58.84
we're talking
about are older ones.
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You know, 12 and 13 and beyond.
00:12:01.27\00:12:04.17
But sometimes we have
younger children, smaller ones,
00:12:04.20\00:12:08.35
in this kind of a situation.
00:12:08.38\00:12:10.13
And they're
processing is far different.
00:12:10.16\00:12:13.01
What are some of the things
that one could expect to see
00:12:13.04\00:12:17.06
in the life of a younger
child who is caught up in this
00:12:17.09\00:12:20.43
blended family structure?
00:12:20.46\00:12:22.13
It's even worse
for the younger child.
00:12:22.16\00:12:23.62
They get really attached
to the custodial parent.
00:12:23.65\00:12:26.50
In fact, there's
almost separation anxiety
00:12:26.53\00:12:28.95
because in the child's
mind, this one parent that
00:12:28.98\00:12:31.64
I now have is all I have
and will they leave as well
00:12:31.67\00:12:35.74
or will I be abandoned.
00:12:35.77\00:12:37.13
And so they get irritable,
they have difficulties adjusting
00:12:37.16\00:12:40.58
to their eating habits.
00:12:40.61\00:12:42.91
If they're in school,
they just don't perform well or
00:12:42.94\00:12:46.07
they're acting out in ways that
are real strange in character.
00:12:46.10\00:12:49.10
So these kids really need a
lot of understanding and support
00:12:49.20\00:12:52.81
in order to adjust
to the new setting.
00:12:52.84\00:12:54.81
We're talking about
challenges children face
00:12:54.84\00:12:59.06
in blended families.
00:12:59.09\00:13:00.61
We have a lot more to
talk about when we come back.
00:13:00.64\00:13:03.67
We have to take a break
now, but we will come back.
00:13:03.70\00:13:06.07
We want you to stay
with us because this
00:13:06.10\00:13:09.09
is an important topic.
00:13:09.10\00:13:10.25
There are so many families that
are involved in this situation.
00:13:10.28\00:13:14.30
And the children, they are
the ones that we want you to
00:13:14.33\00:13:17.68
understand some of the issues,
the challenges, the pain,
00:13:17.71\00:13:20.26
the problems that they're going
through, their frustration.
00:13:20.27\00:13:23.13
The more you understand,
the better you're able
00:13:23.16\00:13:25.44
to help your children.
00:13:25.47\00:13:26.56
Remember, don't go
away. We'll be right back.
00:13:26.59\00:13:29.85
Thank you.
00:13:29.88\00:13:30.89
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Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:10.14\00:14:13.27
We're talking about blended
families and the challenges
00:14:13.28\00:14:17.63
that children face.
00:14:17.66\00:14:19.00
Well, we have looked at some of
the issues and we talked about
00:14:19.91\00:14:24.85
the problems children
can possibly face as they
00:14:24.88\00:14:29.50
move into this new environment.
00:14:29.53\00:14:31.86
What would you consider
to be some of the basic needs
00:14:31.89\00:14:35.71
of these
children in this setting?
00:14:35.74\00:14:38.53
As we said, here are these
kids who are just picked out
00:14:39.41\00:14:43.85
from their original setting
and placed in a strange setting.
00:14:43.88\00:14:47.35
As much as they may know the
individuals in the new dynamic,
00:14:47.65\00:14:51.67
the reality is that
this child is processing,
00:14:51.70\00:14:54.97
"What's going to happen to me?
00:14:55.00\00:14:56.78
I lived with my mom for a long
time after the death of my dad,
00:14:56.81\00:15:02.51
or the separation of my parents,
and now, hmmm, I'm going to
00:15:02.54\00:15:06.55
have to share rooms
with two other people?
00:15:06.58\00:15:09.21
Or I'm going to have a
new dad who is going to
00:15:09.24\00:15:12.34
probably discipline me
when I do something wrong. "
00:15:12.37\00:15:15.09
Or there's a...
00:15:15.12\00:15:16.55
Have I lost my dad now because
of this new lover he has?
00:15:16.58\00:15:21.08
Have I lost my mom now because
of this new lover she has?
00:15:21.11\00:15:25.38
No longer is all
the attention on me.
00:15:25.41\00:15:28.86
So all those dynamics are going.
00:15:28.89\00:15:30.91
You know, I had a classic
case where this 9 year old,
00:15:30.94\00:15:34.97
she was doing very
well in school, and then
00:15:35.00\00:15:38.12
all of a sudden
the mother remarried.
00:15:38.15\00:15:42.51
And her grades
just started plunging.
00:15:42.52\00:15:46.02
I'm talking about a girl who was
a straight "A" child in school,
00:15:46.05\00:15:50.91
she now started making
"C's" and "D's" and "F's".
00:15:50.94\00:15:54.84
And the mother
could not understand.
00:15:54.87\00:15:56.79
It was not until they
went through counseling
00:15:56.80\00:15:59.34
they realized that there
was a strong correlation between
00:15:59.35\00:16:02.47
the new marriage and
the child's performance.
00:16:02.50\00:16:04.66
Because before she
use to sleep with her mom,
00:16:04.69\00:16:08.40
they'd share a bed,
they'd go out together on
00:16:08.43\00:16:11.19
vacations, and what have you.
00:16:11.23\00:16:12.55
And it was just the
two of them bonding.
00:16:12.58\00:16:14.69
But in this case
now, someone replaced her.
00:16:14.70\00:16:17.02
She could no longer
sleep in the bed with her mom,
00:16:17.05\00:16:19.27
somebody else
was sleeping there.
00:16:19.30\00:16:20.73
She did not have this
exclusivity with her mom
00:16:20.76\00:16:23.69
and that created the problem.
00:16:23.72\00:16:25.44
And for a child,
you can understand how
00:16:25.47\00:16:28.49
difficult that must be.
00:16:28.52\00:16:29.79
But the reality is, this is
a new setting and the child...
00:16:29.82\00:16:33.22
life has to go on, as it were.
00:16:33.25\00:16:35.15
And so what we want to do
now is talk about how do you
00:16:35.18\00:16:38.34
adapt and what should parents
do to assist the children
00:16:38.37\00:16:41.81
in meeting these needs.
00:16:41.84\00:16:43.26
First of all, I think the
parent should assure the child
00:16:43.27\00:16:48.08
of their love and of safety.
00:16:48.09\00:16:52.08
Help them to understand,
you have not lost your mommy,
00:16:52.11\00:16:55.32
you have not lost
your daddy, and I love you.
00:16:55.35\00:16:58.44
And by taking on a new
person does not change your role
00:16:58.47\00:17:03.18
and your relationship with me.
00:17:03.21\00:17:04.96
That assurance is very, very
important and provides safety
00:17:04.99\00:17:08.95
and comfort for the
child or for the children.
00:17:08.98\00:17:11.83
And I think more importantly,
the new parent, the step parent,
00:17:11.86\00:17:17.13
really needs to be
sensitive to the whining and the
00:17:17.16\00:17:20.35
upset of the child.
00:17:20.38\00:17:21.38
Because what tends to happen is
the step parent has difficulty
00:17:21.39\00:17:25.86
accepting the behavior.
00:17:25.89\00:17:26.98
Sometimes
they'll come in and say,
00:17:26.99\00:17:28.12
"Oh, you have
spoiled that girl. "
00:17:28.15\00:17:29.62
"You have spoiled that
boy. Come on. " You know?
00:17:29.65\00:17:31.47
And it's like they're
coming down with some kind
00:17:31.50\00:17:34.22
of a Draconian role.
00:17:34.25\00:17:35.59
"Let me set the record
straight from now on. "
00:17:35.60\00:17:38.68
"I'm not your mommy.
" "I'm not your daddy. "
00:17:38.71\00:17:40.99
"And If they spoil you,
I'm not going to do that. "
00:17:41.02\00:17:43.20
You're in for trouble.
00:17:43.23\00:17:44.99
So you're
pushing the child away.
00:17:45.02\00:17:46.45
And the funny thing about it is,
if you keep taking that attitude
00:17:46.48\00:17:50.82
your spouse now, they
start pulling away from you
00:17:50.85\00:17:54.50
because they don't like
what's happening to the child.
00:17:54.53\00:17:57.42
And usually that's
where the problem begins
00:17:57.45\00:17:59.54
because the custodial
parent becomes real guarded
00:17:59.57\00:18:03.23
about the relationship.
00:18:03.26\00:18:04.48
And in order to protect
the child, they push the
00:18:04.51\00:18:07.03
new spouse away.
00:18:07.06\00:18:08.03
And the custodial parent is
thinking that the child has lost
00:18:08.06\00:18:11.58
one parent, I can't
afford for the child to
00:18:11.61\00:18:13.98
lose the second parent.
00:18:14.01\00:18:15.27
So they take on a double
role of trying to be a mommy
00:18:15.30\00:18:17.99
and a daddy at the same time.
00:18:18.02\00:18:19.26
So this new spouse
coming into that dynamics,
00:18:19.29\00:18:22.80
this spouse has
to be very careful.
00:18:22.83\00:18:25.59
You have to tread softly
and work your way into the
00:18:25.62\00:18:29.79
heart of this
child or these children.
00:18:29.82\00:18:32.10
You have to know
what you're doing.
00:18:32.13\00:18:34.87
You can't go in demanding.
00:18:34.88\00:18:36.41
If not, you're creating
trouble and a short marriage.
00:18:36.44\00:18:39.26
So to a large extent, the
step parent is going to have to
00:18:39.29\00:18:42.45
accept the frustration
of the child and try to
00:18:42.48\00:18:47.12
bond with the child.
00:18:47.15\00:18:48.31
And because the child is
also testing the limits of the
00:18:48.34\00:18:52.04
step parent, so they have
to be sure that they're not
00:18:52.07\00:18:55.14
being pushed away.
00:18:55.17\00:18:56.40
There's another dynamic that
comes to play in this discussion
00:18:56.43\00:19:01.09
and that is now the ex-parent;
the ex-father or the ex-mother.
00:19:01.12\00:19:05.54
What should be the
attitude of the parent towards
00:19:05.57\00:19:10.03
the ex-parent, especially
as it relates to the child?
00:19:10.06\00:19:12.96
It is very important
that the two parents,
00:19:13.85\00:19:18.01
the two biological
parents, try to be civil.
00:19:18.04\00:19:20.85
If the ex-parent is antagonizing
and sabotaging the relationship
00:19:20.86\00:19:27.40
with the new spouse, then
we have an internal nightmare.
00:19:27.43\00:19:32.10
So it is real critical
that the custodial parent
00:19:32.13\00:19:36.20
try to relate that the
ex-parent will try to sabotage,
00:19:36.23\00:19:39.64
they will say bad
things to the child about you,
00:19:39.67\00:19:42.21
they will try to, you
know, be hurtful and spiteful.
00:19:42.24\00:19:45.24
But you have to understand
that they're feeling rejected,
00:19:45.27\00:19:48.16
they're feeling abandoned,
and they don't like you.
00:19:48.19\00:19:50.93
So they're going
to try to do that.
00:19:50.96\00:19:52.26
So you have to balance this
relationship with your child.
00:19:52.29\00:19:55.43
And sometimes you might
even interpret for the child
00:19:55.46\00:19:57.77
what the parent is trying to do.
00:19:57.80\00:19:59.59
So I'm hearing you say then
that you shouldn't try to spite
00:19:59.62\00:20:03.12
the ex-parent, you shouldn't
try to undermine the ex-parent,
00:20:03.15\00:20:06.41
you shouldn't try
to say negative things
00:20:06.44\00:20:08.74
about the ex-parent in
the presence of the child,
00:20:08.77\00:20:11.26
because it's not
helping the situation.
00:20:11.29\00:20:13.65
No matter how you feel about
the ex-parent, no matter how
00:20:13.68\00:20:16.37
angry you feel about
the ex-parent, the child
00:20:16.40\00:20:18.08
does not feel that way.
00:20:18.11\00:20:19.46
It is still the child's
parent and you shouldn't talk
00:20:19.49\00:20:21.99
badly about that parent.
00:20:22.02\00:20:23.08
Neither should you encourage
the ex-parent to talk badly
00:20:23.11\00:20:27.27
about your new spouse.
00:20:27.30\00:20:29.38
How about using
your child as a pawn
00:20:29.41\00:20:32.35
to get back at your ex-spouse?
00:20:32.38\00:20:33.80
So that, okay if you
don't do so and so, you will not
00:20:33.83\00:20:37.75
see the child, or so and
so and the child is withheld.
00:20:37.78\00:20:40.85
So the child stands
in the middle and we use
00:20:40.88\00:20:43.16
the child as a pawn.
00:20:43.19\00:20:44.25
Under no circumstances should
a child be used as a tool.
00:20:45.26\00:20:49.82
The child is not responsible
for all the confusion and
00:20:50.78\00:20:53.40
drama that is occurring.
00:20:53.43\00:20:54.85
So the one thing that
the parent wants to do
00:20:54.86\00:20:57.63
is keep your child out of it.
00:20:57.66\00:20:59.30
The issues you have are
between you and your ex-spouse.
00:20:59.33\00:21:02.43
Your child is not
to be used as a pawn.
00:21:02.46\00:21:04.98
You don't use your child to
manipulate the dynamic either
00:21:05.01\00:21:09.21
so that you, instead of speaking
directly to your ex-spouse,
00:21:09.24\00:21:12.35
you speak through your child;
"Tell you father we need... "
00:21:12.36\00:21:15.86
Speak directly, negotiate the
terms with the ex-spouse so that
00:21:15.89\00:21:21.38
your child isn't
caught up in the adult issues.
00:21:21.39\00:21:23.94
Because the one thing
you need to remember is,
00:21:23.95\00:21:26.45
although this person is
no longer married to you,
00:21:26.48\00:21:28.80
this person is still the parent
of the child you're parenting.
00:21:28.83\00:21:34.24
And you know, June, one of
the things we should say to our
00:21:34.25\00:21:38.34
listeners, those that are
connecting with this topic,
00:21:38.37\00:21:41.50
is that you should never allow
transference to take place.
00:21:41.53\00:21:47.03
There are some breakups
that are bitter and hostile.
00:21:47.06\00:21:51.08
It might have been a marriage,
it might have been just a
00:21:51.11\00:21:54.49
relationship that
results in a child.
00:21:54.52\00:21:56.62
But whatever it is,
it's bitter and it's hostile
00:21:56.65\00:21:58.81
and both of you are
angry at each other.
00:21:58.84\00:22:01.74
Now, you should never
transfer those angry feelings
00:22:01.77\00:22:07.61
and emotions onto your child.
00:22:07.64\00:22:10.25
Because sometimes you may
have a son, and the son is
00:22:10.28\00:22:13.02
the exact replica of the father.
00:22:13.05\00:22:19.41
And every time you see this
son, you're seeing this man that
00:22:19.44\00:22:22.84
you hate, you can't
take, whatever it is,
00:22:22.87\00:22:25.87
repulsion is coming up.
00:22:25.90\00:22:27.41
And in a subconscious
way, you scream at the child,
00:22:27.44\00:22:31.59
you bark at the child,
you're angry with the child,
00:22:31.62\00:22:33.82
But it's not the
child. It's transference.
00:22:33.85\00:22:36.25
Transference is taking place.
00:22:36.28\00:22:37.85
And you have to watch
for that and be careful.
00:22:37.88\00:22:39.80
Forcing your
child to take sides.
00:22:41.15\00:22:43.06
There is the
pressure of divided loyalty.
00:22:43.09\00:22:47.20
And that sometimes
becomes a real difficult thing
00:22:47.23\00:22:50.35
for parents to understand.
00:22:50.38\00:22:51.41
In fact, imagine a
father who is remarried,
00:22:51.44\00:22:54.63
who is the
custodial parent of the child.
00:22:54.66\00:22:57.41
And the father loves his
child but also loves his wife.
00:22:57.44\00:23:01.32
But there are issues
between the child and the wife
00:23:01.35\00:23:03.97
and they're trying to work
it through so that they can
00:23:04.00\00:23:06.59
be a family.
00:23:06.62\00:23:07.71
And if you're going to talk to
the child about what's going on,
00:23:07.74\00:23:11.68
if you have an
issue with your spouse,
00:23:11.71\00:23:13.57
then you're asking the
child to be an ally to you
00:23:13.60\00:23:16.69
and against your spouse.
00:23:16.72\00:23:18.42
And that is just
not what you want to do.
00:23:18.45\00:23:20.80
So age appropriate conversations
need to be encouraged
00:23:20.83\00:23:24.16
and you shouldn't unburden
your issues on your child.
00:23:24.17\00:23:28.03
So now, developing a
structure for the child,
00:23:28.62\00:23:32.93
you should try to work
out with your ex-spouse
00:23:32.96\00:23:36.53
some kind of an agreement.
00:23:36.56\00:23:39.41
Like you say, regardless of what
is happening between both of us,
00:23:39.44\00:23:43.60
let's see if we can be
civil for the child or for
00:23:43.63\00:23:47.05
the children's sake.
00:23:47.08\00:23:48.42
So we need to make that
adjustment because the child
00:23:48.45\00:23:52.34
is going to be the one
that suffers in the long run.
00:23:52.37\00:23:55.47
So somehow you have to be able
to put the differences aside
00:23:55.50\00:23:59.02
and work things out
so that it can be for the
00:23:59.05\00:24:02.04
betterment of the child.
00:24:02.07\00:24:03.67
Now one of the main problems
that blended families face
00:24:04.14\00:24:09.30
is how
discipline is administered.
00:24:09.33\00:24:11.65
And in some settings,
it is recommended that
00:24:11.68\00:24:14.03
the custodial parent
is the only parent that
00:24:14.04\00:24:16.69
should do the discipline.
00:24:16.72\00:24:17.92
Because the step parent
sometimes is misunderstood
00:24:17.95\00:24:22.31
in their approach or
in their motives even.
00:24:22.32\00:24:25.19
My recommendation is, if
you're going to be a parent,
00:24:25.59\00:24:28.73
whether you're the step parent
or you are the custodial parent,
00:24:28.76\00:24:31.68
you should have some autonomy
in the way you discipline
00:24:31.71\00:24:35.05
because the child is
going to be under your
00:24:35.08\00:24:37.25
supervision at times only.
00:24:37.28\00:24:39.79
And you shouldn't have to wait
until the other parent comes
00:24:39.82\00:24:42.80
to say to the child, "What
you're doing is inappropriate
00:24:42.83\00:24:45.25
and that's not acceptable. "
00:24:45.28\00:24:46.55
So you're going to be reasonable
and be very nonthreatening,
00:24:46.58\00:24:50.43
but you should
negotiate to have some autonomy
00:24:50.46\00:24:53.36
to discipline the child.
00:24:53.39\00:24:55.56
So I'm hearing you
talking now about the role
00:24:55.59\00:24:59.06
of the step parent.
00:24:59.07\00:25:00.41
And what a role you have.
00:25:00.44\00:25:02.43
Because there are a lot
of things you have to do.
00:25:02.46\00:25:05.68
The child, or the children,
is in your home and you,
00:25:06.72\00:25:11.15
as June rightly says,
you have to be proactive
00:25:11.18\00:25:15.39
in the life of the child.
00:25:15.42\00:25:17.54
You have to set
clear boundaries.
00:25:17.57\00:25:20.57
The child must understand
what these boundaries are.
00:25:20.60\00:25:23.26
But the one thing you
must not allow to happen
00:25:23.29\00:25:26.17
is that you have
two sets of boundaries;
00:25:26.20\00:25:28.92
one for your biological child
or children where they have the
00:25:28.95\00:25:32.73
freedom to this and
they have exclusive rights
00:25:32.76\00:25:36.00
for certain things, but those
that you are step parent to,
00:25:36.03\00:25:40.13
then you are more firm
and rigid and what have you.
00:25:40.14\00:25:43.46
Because children pick up
on these things, and that will
00:25:43.49\00:25:45.79
create more problems.
00:25:45.82\00:25:46.80
So you have to be consistent
and fair with all the children.
00:25:46.83\00:25:50.32
It is a difficult
thing for blended families.
00:25:51.31\00:25:53.91
But many blended families
are doing a good job of it.
00:25:53.94\00:25:56.80
The difficulty comes when the
step parent perceives their role
00:25:56.83\00:26:02.57
as less than,
and not significant
00:26:02.60\00:26:05.74
as the custodial parent.
00:26:05.77\00:26:07.00
And so they relinquish power.
00:26:07.03\00:26:08.85
And that creates more
difficulty for the child.
00:26:08.88\00:26:11.88
We're talking about
challenges that children face
00:26:14.47\00:26:19.32
in blended families.
00:26:19.35\00:26:21.16
We are cognizant of the
fact that there are many, many
00:26:21.19\00:26:25.64
families out there
who are in this situation
00:26:25.67\00:26:28.85
or who have gone through this.
00:26:28.88\00:26:30.67
But we would like to
spend a little time to talk to
00:26:30.70\00:26:33.72
those of you who are preparing
to enter into this situation.
00:26:33.75\00:26:39.17
There are challenges.
00:26:39.20\00:26:41.60
We are encouraging
you to do your homework,
00:26:41.63\00:26:45.61
and to do your homework well.
00:26:45.64\00:26:47.70
It's not a bed of roses.
00:26:47.73\00:26:49.39
There are conflicts out there
that they need to get through.
00:26:49.42\00:26:52.22
And so what encouragement
would you give a couple
00:26:52.25\00:26:56.93
that is moving in this
direction of a blended family?
00:26:56.96\00:27:00.00
The first thing I
would say is, seek counsel.
00:27:00.03\00:27:02.82
Understand what it
is you're going into.
00:27:02.85\00:27:04.96
Don't assume that because
you're in love with someone
00:27:04.99\00:27:07.52
who is in a blended family,
everything is going to be
00:27:07.53\00:27:10.98
peachy creamy
as your dreams are.
00:27:11.01\00:27:13.23
But know that there
will be difficulties ahead,
00:27:13.24\00:27:16.37
but that by God's
grace and with an open mind
00:27:16.40\00:27:19.41
and with the right attitude,
you can be an effective parent.
00:27:19.44\00:27:23.20
We have been talking
about challenges facing children
00:27:24.27\00:27:28.76
in blended families.
00:27:28.79\00:27:30.20
And like all
families, there are challenges
00:27:30.23\00:27:33.47
are there are problems.
00:27:33.50\00:27:34.77
Bu the one thing we know, and
that is if you make Jesus Christ
00:27:34.78\00:27:39.57
the head of your home,
the center of your lives,
00:27:39.60\00:27:42.80
you can all work
through these challenges.
00:27:42.83\00:27:46.57
We're encouraging
parents, as well as children,
00:27:46.60\00:27:49.36
to allow Jesus Christ
to be a part of their life.
00:27:49.39\00:27:52.25
And for those of
you in blended families,
00:27:52.28\00:27:55.10
make your home a happy
home by allowing Christ
00:27:55.13\00:27:58.53
to be your Master.
00:27:58.56\00:27:59.93
Thank you for
listening and God bless.
00:27:59.96\00:28:02.20