Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000071
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and here with me is my 00:36 precious wife, June Smith. 00:39 June, say "welcome" to the folks. 00:43 It is my joy. 00:44 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands. 00:46 And today we are going to talk about, 00:48 deception and envy. 00:49 As a matter of fact, in our previous presentation, 00:53 we spoke about deception. 00:56 So we want to focus on the envy aspect, the envy section 01:00 of our presentation. 01:03 But we're still on the story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah. 01:08 We said it started out on a note of deception, 01:11 and as a result, it's down hill from there. 01:14 We also gave you folks a caution that you should never enter into 01:19 a relationship based on deception. 01:23 As the Bible says, "Be not deceived; God is not mocked. 01:26 For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. " 01:31 When Rachel realized that she could not have children 01:37 and that her sister Leah was having children, 01:42 and especially sons, she envied her sister. 01:46 Let's talk about the notion, the concept of not having children; 01:52 childlessness in marriage. 01:54 Because that is a reality that confronts 01:59 a lot of families today. 02:02 It is said about 14% of couples who get married 02:06 will not have children. 02:08 And unfortunately, many of them don't know that 02:11 before they get married for a variety of reasons. 02:14 Infertility problems can be a very difficult 02:19 construct in marriages. 02:21 And many people are facing that problem today. 02:25 That is very sad and we want to really reach into the hearts 02:30 of families and individuals who are experiencing this. 02:35 We want to say to the husband if it's your wife 02:38 who can't give birth to a child, be caring, be empathetic, 02:46 be understanding, avoid pressure from your relatives and friends, 02:51 and bring your best self. 02:53 When you took that vow to marry this woman that you 02:58 love so much, it was for better or for worse. 03:03 Unfortunately, if it seems as if there might not be a child, 03:08 you just have to love her just the same and 03:12 make her feel special. 03:14 Do that for her. 03:16 And the same thing is true for men. 03:19 It is not always that the woman can't have children in marriage. 03:23 Sometimes it is the man or the situation rests with the man, 03:28 or the husband. 03:29 And so if that's the situation, then a wife needs to be 03:32 understanding, a wife needs to be sensitive, 03:34 a wife needs to be nurturing and caring and love 03:38 him just the same. 03:39 Marriage is not all about having children. 03:41 In fact, marriage is about loving each other 03:45 for better or for worse. 03:47 And love transcends everything else. 03:50 Now June, what I would like you to do for me, 03:53 we spoke to the husband and we spoke to the wife, 03:56 but I think there's a large body out there that 03:59 we need to talk to, and that body is the church. 04:03 Because the church does play an important role in the 04:07 lives and functions of families, especially young families. 04:11 And how should the church relate to a young couple, 04:15 or to any couple for that matter, who is childless? 04:20 You know, the title of this program is, 04:22 Marriage In God's Hands. 04:24 And the church tends to be very family focused 04:29 so that when we organize our services, we tend to 04:35 provide a forum for families. 04:37 And rightly so. 04:38 But that should not be at the exclusion of couples 04:43 who are childless. 04:45 Because here you have a number of families in your congregation 04:49 who are not able to have children, yet your focus 04:53 is on the family; the role of the family, 04:56 the role of parenting, the role of... 04:59 So we're saying then, be sensitive. 05:02 So when you have mother's day, father's day, children's day; 05:08 we're not saying you're not to have them. 05:10 You are to have these programs. 05:11 And, yes, you are to plan them well. 05:13 But we're saying, be sensitive. 05:15 For example, you can have a program of inclusion 05:19 so the wives that are in your congregation that 05:25 have no children, rather than having them sitting in the pew 05:28 while you call the mother's to come up, invite them 05:31 to come as well. 05:32 Let them come up, give them a bouquet. 05:34 Whatever you're giving those mother's, give them too. 05:36 And let them know that they are spiritual mother's in Israel 05:39 and that these boys and girls that are in the church, 05:42 it's their job to help nurture them and to care for them. 05:45 So we're talking about a ministry of inclusion. 05:48 It actually says, it takes a village to raise a child. 05:52 So those mother's without children can play a great role 05:56 in nurturing young children. 05:58 In fact, we encourage couples to bond with families who 06:04 have children, if you have none, and get to learn or to share 06:09 in the responsibility of nurturing those children. 06:12 So that you sometimes can help these couples who have children 06:15 to provide child care or to provide good babysitting 06:20 arrangements if they have to go some place as a couple, etc. 06:23 You can provide a ministry that has a great value 06:26 to the congregation. 06:28 So we don't want you to feel less of a couple 06:31 if you don't have children. 06:33 You are still special, you are still wonderful, 06:36 and you have a great ministry to offer to other families 06:40 and to other children. 06:41 Don't be a recluse, don't withdraw to yourself. 06:44 Love children and give your best, present your best self 06:47 to other children. 06:48 And be a mother, and be a father; 06:50 spiritual mother and spiritual father. 06:53 Of course, there's always adoption, there's always... 06:57 Other variables that they can choose. 06:59 Now the passage we're looking at, the story that 07:03 we're looking at, it says that Rachel envied Leah 07:09 because she had children, she gave children to Jacob, 07:14 and she could not. 07:15 Now here we're talking about the concept of envy. 07:19 Now Rachel envied her sister. 07:23 Little did she know that her sister is jealous of her. 07:28 Because Leah knows that Jacob's love was toward Rachel. 07:34 So we have this symbiotic confusion. 07:37 Rachel envies Leah and Leah is envying Rachel. 07:47 It's a dog and bone syndrome. 07:50 You know, I heard the story of some thieves who, 07:55 well actually, these were thieves that were very 07:59 defiant, as it were. 08:00 So they drove up into the front of the house and they 08:04 picked the lock and started taking out this woman's 08:08 expensive Persian carpet and they were loading them 08:13 onto the van. 08:14 The next door neighbor saw them taking out the carpet and 08:18 asked, "What are you doing with those carpets?" 08:21 And they said, "Oh, we are cleaners. 08:22 We are taking them to the cleaners. " 08:24 And the lady said, "Well, would you be willing 08:27 to do that for me too? 08:28 Would you clean mine?" 08:30 And they said, "Sure. " 08:31 So when they were through with this house, they went 08:33 over to the neighbor and took out all of her expensive 08:37 Persian carpet and went away. 08:40 What was happening here was that this neighbor 08:43 was technically envying what the other neighbor was doing. 08:46 And she wanted to keep up with her neighbor. 08:49 And we see the result of what envy is all about. 08:52 So envy is never a good thing. 08:54 And envy creates toxicity in a relationship. 08:57 So you don't want to envy what others have 08:59 or even envy your own family members because you don't know 09:03 what their circumstances are. 09:04 Because here in the story, Rachel was hurting herself 09:09 by envying the relationship that Leah had, and vice versa. 09:13 And that was just not healthful for either of them. 09:16 And envy leads to malicious feelings. 09:20 Envy leads to jealousy. 09:23 When you envy someone, you now become jealous of them. 09:28 And jealousy is a dangerous thing when people start 09:32 becoming jealous of another person. 09:34 So here we find, now, jealousy has set in. 09:38 Now how might we avoid being envious? 09:41 Well you know, first of all I think you have to accept 09:46 yourself for who you are, and you have to accept 09:50 what you have and learn to be satisfied with what you have 09:54 and live within your means. 09:56 So if this is what God has blessed you with, 09:59 see yourself as God's child and this is what He has given you. 10:06 Accept it, be happy with it, and move on. 10:10 And what God has blessed the other person with, 10:12 because God blesses all of us, but in different ways. 10:15 So if God gives you five talents and gives me one talent, 10:19 as we have that story in the Bible, 10:21 rather than me being envious of your five talents, 10:25 use my one talent to the honor and glory of God. 10:28 And that leads us to the point where we want to say, 10:31 learn to celebrate the success of others. 10:34 The reality is, there will always be people who 10:37 have more than you. 10:38 And your role is to use your gifts to God's glory 10:42 and be happy for other people's gifts. 10:44 Now people who are envious will hate you. 10:51 They will hate you for what you have. 10:53 They will sometime try to destroy you, 10:57 as we spoke about jealousy before. 10:59 Now if you know of someone who is jealous of another person, 11:06 or if you know of someone who is jealous of you 11:09 or hates you or these negative things that we're talking about, 11:13 what do we do? 11:14 Do you reciprocate? 11:16 Do we give them back hate, do we give them back anger? 11:20 Do we sabotage them, do we malice them? 11:23 Do we lie on them? 11:24 The things that envious people do, do we return it in kind? 11:26 No we shouldn't. 11:28 As Christians we should do just what the Bible says; 11:31 love those who hate us. 11:33 Treat those with these traits with respect, 11:37 and hopefully we can heap coals of fire on their head 11:40 and, who knows, win them to the glory of God. 11:44 Envy is something that is toxic to the human soul 11:50 and the human spirit. 11:52 We have too many families where people are not 11:55 satisfied with what they have and what they have accomplished. 12:00 What their children can do and what their neighbor or 12:06 their friend or someone else's children can do, 12:09 they become envious. 12:10 And sometimes you have a situation where this 12:13 rivalry starts, where you start pushing your child; 12:16 pushing your child beyond boundary to be like that child 12:19 and "Why can't you be like that child?" 12:21 Is that healthy to the relationship, 12:24 especially for the children? 12:25 That is not healthy. 12:26 You don't want to compete with anyone else. 12:29 Compete with yourself to maximize your own strengths 12:31 and work to improve your own limitations. 12:34 But never envy anyone else because that is not of God. 12:38 But it's important for us to look at Rachel's experience. 12:41 Here was Rachel envying Leah for what she thought 12:45 Leah was able to do; have children. 12:48 And she, pretty much, bothered God to give her this blessing. 12:52 What would you say was the outcome of that? 12:55 You know, we will talk about that in our next section 12:59 because that's what we want to go into; 13:02 the outcome of envy. 13:05 We're saying to you folks, do not be envious of anyone. 13:10 Accept what God has given you. 13:12 Be satisfied, appreciate your children for who they are. 13:16 Love them, care for them, make them feel special, 13:20 and don't push them to become someone else. 13:22 Because frankly speaking, they are not. 13:25 Envy and deception are dangerous characteristics to possess. 13:30 We'll be right back. 13:37 There are many How To books available 13:40 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:43 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:45 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:49 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:52 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:55 and everyone in between. 13:56 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:09 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:12 We've been talking about deception and envy. 14:16 And we chronicled the story of Rachel, Jacob, and Leah 14:22 and talked about how those concepts were played out 14:27 in their family. 14:28 Now it is obvious that Rachel was also not happy. 14:35 So she kept pressuring her husband because she had 14:41 no children, it's a childless marriage, her sister is 14:44 having children for her husband, her sister's handmaid is having 14:48 children for her husband, but nothing is happening her way. 14:52 So Jacob got angry now. 14:55 And Jacob says, "Am I God? Why are you asking me? 14:58 Am I the one who caused you not to have children? 15:00 Why are you upset with me?" 15:02 So Jacob got very angry with Rachel. 15:06 My question here is, is Jacob's anger justified? 15:12 Now he might have felt pressured by his wife, 15:15 the wife might have been fussing with him a lot 15:18 because she had not been able to get pregnant. 15:22 So he got annoyed, he got upset. 15:23 Was the justified? 15:25 I think it was very insensitive of Jacob. 15:28 Jacob was in a situation where he was dealing 15:32 with his own pain. 15:34 Because clearly he was deceived by his father-in-law. 15:38 But the reality is, here was his wife caught in a bind. 15:43 And she was complaining because she felt desperate 15:46 to do what she thought was the thing to do then 15:49 which was to have a child for her husband, 15:51 especially to have a son. 15:53 And so she was complaining, she was whining, 15:56 and it might have been a little overbearing for him. 15:59 But he needed to be sensitive to her pain. 16:02 Are you saying that this is also true for the society at large, 16:07 for individuals when we need to empathize a little more, 16:12 when one family member is hurting and is going through 16:16 their own pain or their situation, rather than saying, 16:18 "Well, snap out of it, get out of it. " 16:20 There comes a time when you might have to say to the person, 16:23 "Snap out of it," but it should not come before we empathize 16:28 and we help to restore and to rebuild that individual 16:31 and what they're going through. 16:32 So yes, I agree with you that Jacob should have been 16:35 a little more sensitive, especially because of the 16:38 situation and how painful and stressful it was. 16:41 So Rachel is not happy. 16:45 Okay, she's not happy in this situation. 16:47 So look what Rachel did. 16:49 She offered her handmaid to Jacob and says, 16:55 "Okay, have children with my handmaid. " 16:58 Because she's thinking in herself, "If my handmaid 17:01 should have children for my husband, he will be happy 17:04 with me and that will make the marriage work. " 17:06 Again, we go back to the deception and that 17:09 does not work at all. 17:12 Her perception of what happiness meant was clearly warped. 17:16 And it reminds me of the notion of the demise that many families 17:22 are experiencing because they're barking up the 17:25 wrong tree for happiness. 17:27 Obviously, happiness comes from within. 17:30 Happiness comes from finding meaning in yourself 17:33 and your relationship with Christ. 17:35 And no husband, no wife, no child can bring you happiness, 17:40 as is reflected in this scenario with Jacob and his two wives. 17:45 So she did what her sister did, what she saw her sister do. 17:50 We call this, multi-generational transactional patterns 17:56 of behavior where dysfunction in one family can translate 18:02 into the other family. 18:03 Talk to us about this; individuals carrying 18:07 dysfunctional patterns of behavior into their 18:10 family from families of origin, and how this can 18:13 impact, whether negative or positive, the relationship. 18:17 If there's a family in the Bible that clearly outlines and 18:21 explains how multi-generational transactional patterns 18:25 get socialized in families, it's this family. 18:28 Jacob was the son of a deceptive couple as well. 18:33 Well, his mother was charged with probably causing one of the 18:37 greatest deceptions where she had deceived his father 18:41 into getting him the birthright that was due 18:44 to his brother, Esau. 18:45 And look how this played out in the generations hence. 18:48 Sarah had this great scheme and got her husband 18:54 to bless Jacob. 18:55 And here was Jacob who... 18:56 Rebecca. 18:57 I'm sorry, Rebecca. 18:59 And here was Jacob who, because of his mother, Rebecca's act, 19:04 had to run away from home and landed in this place where 19:08 his Uncle Laban was, and the deception continued. 19:11 So families who impose deception, it gets perpetuated. 19:18 Pointed justice, we sometimes call it? 19:19 It's unfortunate that children end up with this scar, 19:23 but that is usually what happens. 19:25 I would like to take a little time out to speak to 19:28 our audience and you who have been listening to us 19:32 because sometimes you take into your relationship 19:36 what we call, baggage's. 19:38 You take into your relationship things that 19:41 are hurting your relationships. 19:43 Sometimes it's what you saw your grandfather do, 19:47 or what your father did, and you accept it. 19:49 You are socialized to believe that this is how it is and 19:52 this is how it should be. 19:54 And you tell yourself, "Well, my father wouldn't allow this," 19:57 or "My grandfather would not. " 19:59 And the same thing with the ladies, with you ladies. 20:02 You bring things in that you saw your grandmother 20:05 or your mother do. 20:06 So here you are in your nuclear family and what is happening 20:10 is that you have brought in some things that are toxic 20:13 to the relationship and they are hurting your relationship. 20:16 And you have to examine yourself and say, "How might we change? 20:20 How might we inject in this relationship something better 20:25 than that which my parents had or my grandparents had?" 20:29 Bringing in baggage into the relationship can cause 20:33 the relationship to suffer. 20:35 And the story we're talking about, if we look in 20:39 that generation, we saw that it came back from even the 20:42 generation before Isaac. 20:43 Because his own father, Abraham, had deceived or tried to 20:49 pass off his wife as his sister. 20:52 So here we have all these lines of deception that eventually 20:55 got manifested in Rachel's life. 20:59 So we have two desperate wives, two desperate women, 21:05 trying to please their husband. 21:09 Desperation is a cruel task master. 21:13 And a woman or a man should never find himself or herself 21:19 to a point where they become desperate. 21:22 That's important for us to say and keep saying. 21:26 Because desperate women will go after a man, 21:31 desperate men will go after a woman, regardless of the fact 21:35 that they are married. 21:36 It's like, "I don't care. " 21:38 "I want him, I don't care. " 21:40 One woman calculatedly planned to take away 21:45 this woman's husband. 21:48 And she had no qualms about it. 21:52 She put it in her head that this is what she's going to do. 21:55 She's desperate and she's going to bring about a resolution 21:58 to her desperation. 21:59 So she took him away. 22:02 It is a very sad thing that frequently happens in families 22:05 where the price or the consequence to the behavior 22:10 is not what's looked at, but it's the desire 22:14 of the desperate person. 22:16 And as was displayed in this relationship with both 22:19 Rachel and Leah, nobody won. 22:22 This was a family that had a very sad ending 22:25 because people were just very indiscreet and were 22:29 selfish in the way they went about the things they wanted. 22:33 While you cannot blame Rachel totally for what she did, 22:40 understanding her desperation, there should be a limit, 22:44 however, as to how far an individual will go to 22:49 quench that desperation. 22:50 There should be a limit as to what an individual will do. 22:54 Each of you listening should have a bar, and it 22:58 should be a moral bar, it should be an ethical bar, 23:03 it should be a spiritual bar, where you sit. 23:08 One that God will approve and can approve. 23:11 One that operates within human dignity. 23:15 That you say to yourself, "I will not fall below this bar. 23:19 I will not compromise values and principles to the extent that 23:24 I have to come below this bar. " 23:26 You have to set it for yourself. 23:28 You can't ask someone to do it for you. 23:31 You have to set this high standard for yourself. 23:35 Because society is eroding and we see the bar is getting lower, 23:40 and lower, and lower. 23:42 And we're appealing to you. 23:44 We want you to keep that standard high. 23:46 That's what God will require of His children. 23:49 Now what stories can we learn or what lessons can we learn 23:53 from Rachel's story? 23:55 Well first of all, don't lose your dignity. 24:02 Maintain your cool, maintain your dignity, 24:05 under all circumstances. 24:08 Rachel lost her cool because, you know, she became desperate. 24:13 And the same thing with Leah. 24:15 So we're saying to you, maintain your composure. 24:19 Be yourself and learn to trust God. 24:22 Isn't it amazing that the thing that she wanted the most 24:26 literally took her life? 24:28 Yeah, as a matter of fact, she said to her husband, 24:33 "Give me children or else I die. " 24:39 That was her prayer, that was her plea. 24:41 So she fasted, she prayed, and she begged God, 24:45 "Give me children. " 24:46 And so God answered her prayer. 24:48 She conceived and she had her first child. 24:51 And she conceived again and she had her second child. 24:54 But guess what. 24:56 She died in childbirth. 24:58 Isn't that something? 24:59 But that's a lesson for us modern Israel. 25:02 That's a lesson for us today. 25:03 There are sometimes things happening in our lives 25:06 and we just can't see around the bend. 25:08 But as the song says, we have got to learn to trust 25:11 God's heart nevertheless. 25:13 What's tends to happen in many relationships is, 25:15 the things that we want badly and we have no control over, 25:20 we will do whatever it takes to push God's hand, as it were. 25:24 But like Rachel, God gave in, as it were. 25:27 Because sometimes that's how He works. 25:29 But in the end, it might not be to our best interest. 25:34 So whatever is the desire of your heart, you should not 25:38 compromise spiritual values to gain that desire, 25:42 you should not accept abuse to gain that desire, 25:48 you should not settle to shear your relationship 25:52 to gain that desire. 25:53 We're saying that God has put a price on yourself, on you. 25:59 Who dare you to take it off. 26:01 You should maintain that price. 26:03 He paid for you with His life and that makes you very special. 26:08 And regardless of what your needs are and what the 26:11 defects are and what the even tragedies in your life are, 26:15 the fact is, God will do for you and will give you the things 26:20 that He knows will always work in your best interest. 26:24 And if He withholds anything from you, trust that it is also 26:29 in your best interest. 26:30 We have looked at the story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah. 26:37 And we have started out by showing you how 26:40 Jacob's father-in-law deceived him into marrying Leah. 26:45 And when he married Leah, because of that deception 26:49 Leah had a difficult time. 26:52 She was not loved, she was hated, 26:54 she was not joined to her husband. 26:56 That woman literally suffered. 26:59 And by the time Jacob, after working so hard, 27:02 by the time he got the other wife, the one that he 27:05 really loved, still there was pain in the relationship 27:10 and there was conflict. 27:11 Those two women were desperate. 27:14 Our message to you, our counsel to you, 27:18 out instruction to you is, don't get desperate. 27:23 Do not want anything that badly. 27:25 Do not want to get married that badly. 27:27 Do not want to have a child that badly. 27:30 Do not want to get rich that badly. 27:32 Do not want a job or a promotion that badly. 27:37 Do not want to be recognized that badly. 27:40 That you will stop at nothing to get it. 27:43 Learn to wait on God. 27:45 "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage 27:48 and He shall strengthen thine heart. 27:50 Wait, I say, on the Lord" 27:53 We have repeated this text before and we'll continue to 27:56 repeat it because we believe that in there lies the answer; 28:00 when you learn to wait on God. |
Revised 2014-12-17