Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000070
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June, 00:36 and we have been married for 33 years. 00:40 And we have spent the greater part of those years 00:43 working with families. 00:45 We're both licensed clinicians and we have worked to help 00:49 families around the world and here in the 00:51 United States of America. 00:53 Now we would like to start out by talking to our 00:57 listeners on the topic, The Danger of Deception and Envy. 01:04 And there's a story in the Bible that I think chronicles this 01:08 topic in a lovely way. 01:11 Jacob loved Rachel. 01:14 And the Bibles says when he asked her dad for her, 01:19 he told him that he would have to work for seven years. 01:23 And Jacob worked those seven years and it says it seems like 01:28 a few days unto him because of the love he had for Rachel, 01:32 The passion, it was there for her. 01:36 I like the practice of the young man asking the parents 01:42 permission to marry their daughter. 01:45 Sometimes in these days, it doesn't happen. 01:48 I heard of a case recently where the family 01:51 actually found out that the son got married after the event. 01:57 So that must be just very painful. 01:59 So yes, that happens. 02:01 And we should appeal to young people that you should never 02:05 do that to your parents. 02:06 After they have sacrificed and whatever they have done for you, 02:10 no matter how you feel about them, if you're going to 02:14 get married, the least you could do is first tell them. 02:18 They should not hear after the fact. 02:20 And no young man who wishes a young lady real good 02:25 would do that to her. 02:27 You should insist that she tells her parent. 02:30 And if she refuses to, I don't think you should marry her. 02:33 Good counsel. 02:35 Another thing I find significant is the passion. 02:40 Here was Jacob wanting to marry this young woman 02:44 because he loved her. 02:46 But he was willing to work seven years to earn his 02:51 right to marry her. 02:52 And that to me demonstrated real commitment to his desire. 02:57 These day, just something seems amiss. 03:02 It appears that couples or relationships these days 03:06 start with some passion but it doesn't seem to be sustained. 03:11 Energy and the heat and the flame and the 03:14 big wedding and everything. 03:16 And that's all good. We're not discounting it. 03:18 But what we're saying, it should translate into 03:21 length of marriage. 03:22 Five years into the marriage ten years into the marriage, 03:25 and longer, you should feel passion towards your 03:29 spouse just the same. 03:30 So it's not about the wedding day. 03:32 It's not the event of the wedding. 03:34 That's only a ceremony. 03:35 It's the marriage, the life after, that really matters. 03:38 But we're talking about deception and envy. 03:42 Because what Rachel's daddy did was promise Jacob 03:49 that he would get Rachel, but instead he got Leah. 03:57 Now how do you think, seriously speaking now, 04:01 how do you think Jacob felt when on the night of the honeymoon, 04:06 after working for seven long years, he discovered 04:10 that it was not Rachel but it was Leah? 04:14 That was deception. 04:15 You know, it's hard for me to even conceptualize 04:19 what that must have been like when Jacob pulled back that veil 04:24 and saw another person instead of the girl he really desired. 04:28 But the story, I think, symbolizes what happens 04:33 in many relationships in our time. 04:35 When we talk about deception, how do you think this continues 04:39 to be manifested in relationships? 04:42 I know of a classic example where a lady had 04:47 a medical condition. 04:49 Something that was necessary to have disclosed 04:53 so that the man could make an objective decision as to 04:57 whether or not he wants to continue the relationship 04:59 and to go through with marriage. 05:01 But she was scared. 05:02 She felt maybe if he should find out, if he should know, 05:05 he would call the wedding off. 05:07 So she held back that bit of information 05:09 and they got married. 05:11 Well guess what. 05:12 After the wedding, the husband found out and he was livid. 05:19 As a matter of fact, the marriage did not last long. 05:22 He could not live with that deception. 05:25 And I can understand because I think relationships are 05:29 clearly built on trust. 05:30 And if that is ruined at the onset of the relationship, 05:34 then it's all downhill from there. 05:36 So marriages cannot exist where there is deceit. 05:41 It doesn't matter who's carrying out the deception. 05:44 In this case it was the father-in-law. 05:47 It was still wrong. 05:49 So if they, father or mother, any member of the family, 05:57 or the two individuals who are in love, if they are trying to 06:01 deceive the other, somewhere along the line 06:05 it's going to backfire. 06:07 Somewhere along the line it's going to come back to hurt them. 06:10 So I think in the moment of desperation, or when an 06:13 individual feels like the marriage is what's important, 06:16 they just want to get married, if there are issues or 06:19 situations in their past that they know would significantly 06:23 interfere with the decision to marry this person, 06:26 then they sometimes withhold that information. 06:28 And we're saying, that's not appropriate. 06:30 If an individual gets married to an individual and there wasn't 06:34 clear transparency, then that's actually violating 06:37 the marriage vow. 06:38 And we're not just talking about medical conditions. 06:42 We're talking about other things like for example 06:45 you misrepresent the truth of the level of your education. 06:49 There are some people who call themselves 06:52 or misrepresent themselves to what they are not. 06:55 That's wrong. 06:56 There are some individuals who claim they're working 06:58 so much money when that's not their salary. 07:01 That's wrong. 07:02 There are some people who claim that they 07:05 have "x" amount of money when they don't have it. 07:08 That's wrong. 07:09 So we're saying deception, in whatever form it comes, 07:14 is destructive to the marriage in the long run. 07:17 It's going to lead to so much pain and agony. 07:20 It is conceivable that some people get married and 07:23 they haven't quite ended former relationships 07:26 that they have had. 07:27 And so they enter into a marriage but they're still 07:29 involved with other lovers, as it were. 07:32 That is deception. 07:33 Now let's go back to the story and see now how 07:37 Laban's deception translates into the marriage of 07:43 Jacob and Leah. 07:45 The Bible tells us that Leah conceived his first son. 07:49 And notice what she said when the son was born. 07:52 She said, "Now my husband will love me. " 07:57 Can we say that deception could lead to a loveless marriage? 08:01 That might be an oxymoron; loveless marriage. 08:04 The whole concept of marriage is built on love. 08:06 So it's so unfortunate that she was willing to settle 08:11 for a marriage where there was no love. 08:13 But, yes, in a relationship where there is deception, 08:16 it is likely to lead to a lack of love. 08:19 Because again, a relationship is built on trust. 08:22 So it must have been a painful experience for her now. 08:26 She's married and it's not her fault why her dad 08:30 did what he did. 08:31 And she's married to this man and she knows 08:34 the man does not love her. 08:36 So at the back of her mind, I suspect, when she got pregnant, 08:39 she was kind of excited and said, "Well I am sure now, 08:42 bringing this child to my husband, he will love me. " 08:48 Did she get the love? 08:50 No she didn't, but that leads us to another point. 08:52 Because I've also dealt with situations where there's a 08:55 relationship between a man and a woman 08:57 and the man doesn't seem to be committed to the relationship 09:01 to the extent that he wants to marry the woman. 09:03 And then the woman announces that she's pregnant 09:06 and thinking that will endear the man to her. 09:10 And sometimes he goes through and he decides to marry her. 09:14 And then shortly after she announces, 09:18 "Oh, I had a miscarriage," or something. 09:20 Now you really have to wonder what is going on here. 09:23 And invariably, those relationships end up 09:26 in a divorce. 09:28 And you know, June, if someone has to trick someone 09:32 into marrying them, if someone has to deceive someone 09:36 into marrying them, it's not worth it. 09:38 You know, what are you getting married for? 09:42 Because you're not going to be happy. 09:43 Marriage is all about happiness, living together in a 09:47 harmonious relationship. 09:48 And if it starts out in deception, 09:51 it's not going to work. 09:53 Look what happened to Leah. 09:54 Leah conceived a second son. 09:56 And she said, "Now the Lord will look favorable upon me 10:00 knowing that my husband hated me. " 10:03 So she's saying, first she said, "My husband didn't love me," 10:07 but now she's saying, "My husband hates me. " 10:09 So deception leads to a loveless marriage. 10:13 And now we find deception leading to hate; 10:16 hatred and bitterness. 10:17 That's a hard price to pay to live in a relationship 10:21 with your own husband where you feel hated. 10:24 So Laban is saying, "Ahh, I got my daughter married. " 10:28 But look what he has done for the daughter. 10:31 It's not just about getting married. 10:34 A lot of people think it's the wedding day and, 10:36 you know, the excitement and everybody comes and enjoys 10:39 and say the nice things and the cards and what have you. 10:42 The fanfare and the music, and what have you, is good 10:45 but marriage is not about that. 10:47 Marriage is two people living their life afterwards. 10:51 And in this case now, because of the deception, 10:54 the woman was not experiencing love and she was experiencing 10:57 hatred and bitterness. 10:59 And when the third child came, do you know what she said? 11:02 She said, "Now my husband will be joined unto me. " 11:06 So that, it means that they're estranged from each other. 11:11 It means that there's no chemistry, 11:13 there's no togetherness. 11:14 So Leah was doing everything she thought she had the power to do 11:18 to endear her husband to her. 11:20 But obviously, he wasn't buying it. 11:23 It wasn't where his heart was. 11:25 He was really in love with someone else. 11:28 So why do people think that even though I am not doing 11:34 the right thing and I am not going about it the right way 11:37 for marriage, why do they still think that, "I will get it 11:42 worked out the way I want it. " 11:44 It's like they feel that they have control and, 11:47 "I only want to get married because once I am married, 11:50 everything will be alright and I'll fix it. " 11:52 That's the myth that many young people have. 11:55 They think that marriage cures it all. 11:57 So they see red flags, they see character flaws, 12:00 they see other issues that they know will be an issue 12:03 in the marriage but they think, "Well once we get married, 12:06 it will be solved, we will live with it somehow. " 12:10 And they enter these relationships only to find out 12:13 that they live in pain, they live in a loveless relationship. 12:16 And many times, they're even hated. 12:19 If one should ask Laban, "Was it worth it?" 12:24 what might be his response at this point knowing what 12:28 his daughter is going through? 12:30 I think Laban was a hard nut to crack and he probably didn't 12:35 really love Leah himself. 12:37 Although it was a custom and it seemed a practice 12:39 in those days for the first daughter to get married, 12:41 the reality is, if he truly understood the hurt emotionally 12:45 that he inflicted on his own daughter, he probably 12:47 would have not done it. 12:49 We're talking about the danger of deception and envy. 12:55 And we chronicled the story of Jacob, how he was deceived, 13:01 and the pain it brought into the relationship. 13:05 He didn't love his wife. 13:07 When we come back, we're going to look at 13:10 some of these issues and how they impact you as a individual. 13:14 We want to talk to you and your experience and to help you 13:18 to grow from it or how you might be able to correct it. 13:21 So don't go away, stay with us. 13:23 Because when we come back, we want to look at 13:26 what can you do if you're experiencing deception. 13:37 There are many How To books available, 13:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:42 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:45 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:49 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:51 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:54 and everyone in between. 13:56 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:09 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:12 We have been talking about deception and envy. 14:18 Well, we have not only been talking about it, 14:22 but we have been highlighting some of the mistakes 14:27 people make in order to form relationships. 14:30 So what I would like you to do, June, you are a clinician. 14:36 You have worked with hundreds and hundreds of families. 14:42 And listening to us are families who might be hurting 14:46 because of a deception. 14:48 Or there might be other reasons, but they are hurting. 14:51 Could you talk to them a little and share with them 14:55 how can they cope with their pain or with whatever 15:01 they're going through. 15:03 Now there are many variables, I think, that one would 15:07 have to consider. 15:08 The reality is, if this deception was a result of 15:12 something you did that contributed to it, then I think 15:16 you first must acknowledge your role in that scenario. 15:20 And both of you must be committed to fix the situation. 15:26 So the deceiver might be totally responsible for the outcome 15:31 of what happened, but you may have contributed in some way. 15:34 And so both of you need to take responsibility for what 15:38 needs to happen beyond that. 15:41 The next step that you need, after you have both committed, 15:43 is to be willing to say, "Are we able to forgive each other 15:48 and are we willing to put the past behind us?" 15:51 The reality is, deception is of the devil. 15:55 And it is his role to destroy every good thing. 16:00 And so once you recognize that and know that God's love 16:04 encompasses all hurt, then you can proceed 16:08 to forgive each other and to start on a clean page. 16:11 So I'm hearing you saying that the two individuals 16:15 have to come together and try and work it out. 16:18 And most times, in there lies the problem. 16:22 Because one party wants to work it out and the 16:25 other party does not. 16:27 And so I'm appealing, if you're listening to me and you are the 16:31 resistant party, if you don't care, you have been deceived 16:35 and you don't want to talk about it, at this stage 16:38 what do you do? 16:39 Do you walk away from your family? 16:41 Do you break up? 16:42 You know, God has the awesome power to forgive us. 16:46 And we have seen it. 16:47 Calvary reminds us how He loves us and how much He forgives us. 16:52 And if you can only understand what took place at Calvary, 16:56 then maybe God can help you to find it in your heart 17:00 to forgive the spouse. 17:01 As I listen to you say that, I am reminded of God's love 17:05 and the reality of our deception to Him. 17:09 And how often do we promise Him to do certain things 17:14 and we renege on our promises. 17:17 So we literally deceive Him or we lie to Him as well. 17:21 Yet He forgives us just the same. 17:23 So if you're hurting because your spouse deceived you, 17:26 maybe you want to think about your relationship with God 17:29 and how often you have erred and He has been 17:32 willing to forgive you. 17:33 And we're not here trying to build up a house of cards 17:37 because we do know that there are some situations, 17:41 heartfelt situations, that the obvious 17:46 result from it, you know, is inevitable. 17:49 So we're not here judging anyone. 17:52 But what' we're saying is, if there's a possibility 17:55 that both of you can work it out, if there's a possibility, 17:58 try your best. 17:59 But deception is painful. 18:01 And that goes for the rest of you who are listening 18:04 who might be practicing deceit to hear this, 18:07 that in the long run you're going to hurt yourself, 18:10 hurt your family, and even hurt your children. 18:13 Now Leah was desperate and she wanted her husband 18:18 to love her. 18:19 And she had one son, two sons, three sons, four sons. 18:24 And that didn't happen. 18:26 What was happening here? 18:27 You know, here's her desperation now. 18:31 She offered up her handmaid. 18:35 It's like she said to her husband, "Okay, you're still 18:37 not happy with me. 18:38 I'm trying to please you but you're still not happy with me. 18:41 So okay, take my handmaid and maybe that will 18:44 make you love me. " 18:46 The father, her father is at fault. 18:50 Her father caused this woman's pain, travail, 18:53 and what have you. 18:54 And that's why she's going through all these desperate 18:56 measures trying to find happiness. 19:00 Now... 19:03 But I think before we move on, it's important to note 19:05 that happiness is not something that we can purchase 19:09 or that we can do something to achieve in the way that 19:12 Leah went about it. 19:14 And so many couples, or so many people, in their 19:17 desperation to get happy, they use deceptive tactics. 19:21 And it never ever brings happiness. 19:24 Well the question must be answered then, 19:27 why do people deceive? 19:30 Why do people practice deceit, carry out deceit, 19:34 even though sometimes they know the consequences? 19:37 Why are they willing to run the risk? 19:39 I think sometimes people are just basically selfish. 19:42 They want it their way and if they can't get it, 19:47 then they will lie to achieve it. 19:49 So they have a narcissistic personality then, selfishness. 19:52 It could be that it's a disorder like that, but it could just 19:54 be plain selfish traits. 19:56 And sometimes people want to get their way. 19:59 It's just, you know, this is what I want 20:03 and it doesn't matter who I hurt. 20:06 It doesn't matter, it's just what I want and that's all. 20:11 Sometimes the spouse is hurting or was hurt by the spouse 20:17 and they want to spite the other person. 20:19 And so they inflict pain by doing something that they 20:23 know would get under the skin of the other individual. 20:25 And they would really be mistrustful. 20:28 Sometimes people are deceptive and they use deception as a 20:33 means of manipulating. 20:35 When they want to manipulate a process, again to get their 20:38 own way, deception comes in. 20:40 Sometimes too, it is that they fear the consequences. 20:44 It could be that the spouse might act violently towards them 20:48 or the outcome is more than they're willing to handle 20:52 or they perceive their inadequacy 20:55 to handle the situation. 20:56 And so they will lie about what happened just to protect 20:59 themselves from what they perceive to be 21:01 a negative response. 21:03 We have been talking about faith and we have been 21:05 emphasizing faith. 21:08 And I find that sometimes people deceive because 21:12 they don't have faith. 21:14 It's a lack of faith. 21:17 Can I depend on God? Can I wait on God? 21:20 I have been waiting these many years and nothing is coming. 21:23 This is my possibility, maybe my only possibility as I see it, 21:28 and there are some obstacles but if I hide the obstacles, 21:31 and get what I want, then let things work out. 21:33 Que sera, sera. 21:35 I think another thing could be just a fear of rejection. 21:38 They perceive that if their husband or wife were to 21:43 find out the truth, or if the person they're in love with 21:45 were to find out the truth, that they probably would 21:47 end the relationship. 21:49 And so in an attempt to preserve the relationship, 21:52 they think it would be wise to deceive the person, 21:56 not realizing that this is the worst thing to ever do. 22:01 So deception then is never healthy to an individual 22:06 or to a relationship. 22:07 And this story chronicles the pain and the heartache and 22:11 everything that comes from deception. 22:13 Now let's pick up the story again because it's 22:15 not yet finished. 22:18 After promising to work for seven more years now, 22:24 Jacob is given the love of his life. 22:28 He is given Rachel and so he marries Rachel. 22:32 It sounds good, end of story. 22:34 They ride off in their, she rides off with her knight 22:38 in shining armor and that's it. 22:40 They live happily ever after. 22:42 Unfortunately, the story didn't end that way. 22:45 Rachel got what she wanted, or Jacob got what he wanted, 22:52 but Rachel was still not happy. 22:54 Yes, think of the implication. 22:58 Let's look at this home environment now. 23:02 Because, remember now, Jacob is married to two sisters. 23:07 So now her sister is her children's step mother. 23:14 That's kind of funny. 23:15 Her sister is her children's step mother. 23:19 But her husband is also her brother-in-law. 23:24 Now, it is said that her children and her sister's 23:27 children are brothers. 23:30 That's kind of weird. 23:32 Her sister has children for her own husband. 23:37 So her children must call her sister's children cousins. 23:42 But they're also brothers. 23:44 Yea, so we're getting a kind of a potluck relationship here now. 23:51 Rachel's son's must call her sister "aunt". 24:01 And now Jacob's wife is his sister-in-law. 24:05 That's a lot of complication that we're talking about. 24:08 Four of Jacob's son's are his nephew's-in-law. 24:12 You know, Rachel is bound to have problem in 24:17 this relationship. 24:18 Talk about dysfunction. 24:20 This is a dysfunctional family. 24:22 And there are too many glaring red flags. 24:26 The family is mixed up, the red flags are there. 24:32 In many relationships, these dynamics and dimensions 24:36 in this family may not exist. 24:38 But talk about red flags. 24:41 We saw them before and yet this family 24:46 went ahead and did what they wanted to do anyway. 24:49 And people do just that. 24:51 People see red flags, they see danger, 24:53 they see things that... 24:55 And you listening to me, some of you are looking at the red flag. 24:58 You know the red flag and you're still holding 25:00 onto the relationship. 25:01 You see things in the individual that you know is not right. 25:04 You know, one lady called me. 25:05 I was in my office once, up in New York there, 25:07 was in my office, and a lady called me. 25:09 I don't know where they were calling from. 25:10 But she said, "I have to ask you this question. " 25:12 And she said, "I'm engaged to my fiancé and the marriage is set, 25:18 but we had an argument the other day and he slapped me 25:20 in my face, slapped me twice in my face. 25:22 What do you think I should do?" 25:24 And I said, "Do you really need my council on that?" 25:28 She said, "Yes, Dr. Smith, I need your council. " 25:30 I said, "You should run. " 25:31 She said, "What did you say?" 25:33 I said "Run from that relationship. " 25:34 And I was dead serious. 25:36 Because don't you see what's happening now. 25:39 They're not yet married and what's going to 25:40 happen when they're married? 25:41 But of course, in her mind she loves him. 25:44 And she might even justify that he was angry 25:47 or she may have said something that brought on his rage, etc. 25:51 And she will walk right into an abusive relationship. 25:55 Red flags are important for you to observe. 26:00 When you see them, you're to take heed. 26:04 You are to look at yourself and say, "Am I doing 26:08 what God wants me to do? 26:10 Am I going in the right direction?" 26:11 What are some of the dangers of ignoring these flags? 26:14 Well, you can end up like Leah with a loveless marriage, 26:18 your spouse hates you, not joined to you. 26:21 There is no synergy, no energy, no chemistry 26:23 in the relationship. 26:24 You can spend nights crying. 26:27 There's a whole pictorial of problems that you can go through 26:31 if you ignore the red flags. 26:34 So we're saying, it's not worth the risk. 26:36 When you see character flaws that you know up front 26:40 will bring you pain, before you're even married, 26:43 then don't expect that they are going to change after marriage. 26:46 So people should be honest with their relationship. 26:50 They should be honest to their spouse, 26:53 they should be honest to their children. 26:54 When you're forming relationships, 26:56 you should be honest. 26:57 Because if honesty is not at the heart of the relationship, 27:00 it's going to come back and hurt you. 27:02 And we have seen so many cases, we have seen so many 27:05 individuals who said, "I knew, but... " 27:08 In the long run they are the ones that have been affected. 27:12 Another point I want to make is that Leah was 27:15 yearning for Rachel's life. 27:17 She wanted what her sister had. 27:19 Yet, Rachel was yearning for Leah's life. 27:23 Isn't that an irony? 27:24 We call it symbiotic confusion. 27:26 Rachel wants to be Leah and Leah wants to be Rachel. 27:30 Leah is saying, "My husband loves this woman. " 27:34 And Rachel is saying, "She has children from my husband. " 27:39 So like deception, envy is not a good thing. 27:42 Well, that's what we want to talk about in part two. 27:45 This is part one of our presentation, 27:47 The Danger of Deception and Envy. 27:51 And we will talk about envy in part two. 27:53 But we are happy that you have tuned in. 27:57 Remember, do not be deceptive. 27:59 Be honest with yourself. |
Revised 2014-12-17