Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June,
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and we have been
married for 33 years.
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And we have spent the
greater part of those years
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working with families.
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We're both licensed clinicians
and we have worked to help
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families around the
world and here in the
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United States of America.
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Now we would like to
start out by talking to our
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listeners on the topic, The
Danger of Deception and Envy.
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And there's a story in the Bible
that I think chronicles this
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topic in a lovely way.
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Jacob loved Rachel.
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And the Bibles says when
he asked her dad for her,
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he told him that he would
have to work for seven years.
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And Jacob worked those seven
years and it says it seems like
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a few days unto him because
of the love he had for Rachel,
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The passion, it
was there for her.
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I like the practice of the
young man asking the parents
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permission to
marry their daughter.
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Sometimes in these
days, it doesn't happen.
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I heard of a case
recently where the family
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actually found out that the
son got married after the event.
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So that must be
just very painful.
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So yes, that happens.
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And we should appeal to young
people that you should never
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do that to your parents.
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After they have sacrificed and
whatever they have done for you,
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no matter how you feel
about them, if you're going to
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get married, the least you
could do is first tell them.
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They should not
hear after the fact.
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And no young man who
wishes a young lady real good
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would do that to her.
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You should insist
that she tells her parent.
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And if she refuses to, I don't
think you should marry her.
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Good counsel.
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Another thing I find
significant is the passion.
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Here was Jacob wanting
to marry this young woman
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because he loved her.
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But he was willing to
work seven years to earn his
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right to marry her.
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And that to me demonstrated
real commitment to his desire.
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These day, just
something seems amiss.
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It appears that couples
or relationships these days
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start with some passion but
it doesn't seem to be sustained.
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Energy and the heat
and the flame and the
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big wedding and everything.
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And that's all good.
We're not discounting it.
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But what we're saying,
it should translate into
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length of marriage.
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Five years into the marriage
ten years into the marriage,
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and longer, you should
feel passion towards your
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spouse just the same.
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So it's not
about the wedding day.
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It's not the
event of the wedding.
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That's only a ceremony.
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It's the marriage, the
life after, that really matters.
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But we're talking
about deception and envy.
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Because what Rachel's
daddy did was promise Jacob
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that he would get
Rachel, but instead he got Leah.
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Now how do you think,
seriously speaking now,
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how do you think Jacob felt when
on the night of the honeymoon,
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after working for seven
long years, he discovered
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that it was not
Rachel but it was Leah?
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That was deception.
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You know, it's hard for
me to even conceptualize
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what that must have been like
when Jacob pulled back that veil
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and saw another person instead
of the girl he really desired.
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But the story, I
think, symbolizes what happens
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in many
relationships in our time.
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When we talk about deception,
how do you think this continues
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to be manifested
in relationships?
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I know of a classic
example where a lady had
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a medical condition.
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Something that was
necessary to have disclosed
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so that the man could make
an objective decision as to
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whether or not he wants
to continue the relationship
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and to go through with marriage.
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But she was scared.
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She felt maybe if he should
find out, if he should know,
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he would call the wedding off.
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So she held back
that bit of information
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and they got married.
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Well guess what.
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After the wedding, the husband
found out and he was livid.
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As a matter of fact, the
marriage did not last long.
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He could not live
with that deception.
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And I can understand because
I think relationships are
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clearly built on trust.
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And if that is ruined at
the onset of the relationship,
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then it's all
downhill from there.
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So marriages cannot
exist where there is deceit.
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It doesn't matter who's
carrying out the deception.
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In this case it
was the father-in-law.
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It was still wrong.
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So if they, father or mother,
any member of the family,
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or the two individuals who are
in love, if they are trying to
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deceive the other,
somewhere along the line
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it's going to backfire.
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Somewhere along the line it's
going to come back to hurt them.
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So I think in the moment
of desperation, or when an
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individual feels like the
marriage is what's important,
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they just want to get
married, if there are issues or
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situations in their past that
they know would significantly
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interfere with the
decision to marry this person,
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then they sometimes
withhold that information.
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And we're saying,
that's not appropriate.
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If an individual gets married to
an individual and there wasn't
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clear transparency, then
that's actually violating
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the marriage vow.
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And we're not just talking
about medical conditions.
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We're talking about
other things like for example
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you misrepresent the truth
of the level of your education.
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There are some
people who call themselves
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or misrepresent
themselves to what they are not.
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That's wrong.
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There are some individuals
who claim they're working
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so much money when
that's not their salary.
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That's wrong.
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There are some
people who claim that they
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have "x" amount of
money when they don't have it.
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That's wrong.
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So we're saying deception,
in whatever form it comes,
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is destructive to the
marriage in the long run.
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It's going to lead to
so much pain and agony.
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It is conceivable that
some people get married and
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they haven't quite
ended former relationships
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that they have had.
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And so they enter into a
marriage but they're still
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involved with
other lovers, as it were.
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That is deception.
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Now let's go back to
the story and see now how
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Laban's deception
translates into the marriage of
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Jacob and Leah.
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The Bible tells us that
Leah conceived his first son.
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And notice what she
said when the son was born.
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She said, "Now my
husband will love me. "
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Can we say that deception could
lead to a loveless marriage?
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That might be an
oxymoron; loveless marriage.
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The whole concept of
marriage is built on love.
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So it's so unfortunate
that she was willing to settle
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for a marriage
where there was no love.
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But, yes, in a relationship
where there is deception,
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it is likely to
lead to a lack of love.
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Because again, a
relationship is built on trust.
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So it must have been a
painful experience for her now.
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She's married and it's
not her fault why her dad
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did what he did.
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And she's married to
this man and she knows
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the man does not love her.
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So at the back of her mind, I
suspect, when she got pregnant,
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she was kind of excited
and said, "Well I am sure now,
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bringing this child to my
husband, he will love me. "
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Did she get the love?
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No she didn't, but that
leads us to another point.
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Because I've also dealt
with situations where there's a
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relationship
between a man and a woman
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and the man doesn't seem to
be committed to the relationship
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to the extent that he
wants to marry the woman.
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And then the woman
announces that she's pregnant
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and thinking that
will endear the man to her.
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And sometimes he goes through
and he decides to marry her.
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And then shortly
after she announces,
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"Oh, I had a
miscarriage," or something.
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Now you really have to
wonder what is going on here.
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And invariably,
those relationships end up
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in a divorce.
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And you know, June, if
someone has to trick someone
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into marrying them, if
someone has to deceive someone
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into marrying
them, it's not worth it.
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You know, what are
you getting married for?
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Because you're
not going to be happy.
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Marriage is all about
happiness, living together in a
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harmonious relationship.
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And if it starts
out in deception,
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it's not going to work.
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Look what happened to Leah.
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Leah conceived a second son.
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And she said, "Now the
Lord will look favorable upon me
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knowing that my
husband hated me. "
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So she's saying, first she said,
"My husband didn't love me,"
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but now she's saying,
"My husband hates me. "
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So deception leads
to a loveless marriage.
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And now we find
deception leading to hate;
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hatred and bitterness.
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That's a hard price to
pay to live in a relationship
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with your own
husband where you feel hated.
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So Laban is saying, "Ahh,
I got my daughter married. "
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But look what he has
done for the daughter.
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It's not just
about getting married.
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A lot of people think
it's the wedding day and,
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you know, the excitement
and everybody comes and enjoys
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and say the nice things and
the cards and what have you.
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The fanfare and the music,
and what have you, is good
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but marriage is not about that.
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Marriage is two people
living their life afterwards.
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And in this case now,
because of the deception,
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the woman was not experiencing
love and she was experiencing
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hatred and bitterness.
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And when the third child
came, do you know what she said?
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She said, "Now my husband
will be joined unto me. "
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So that, it means that they're
estranged from each other.
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It means that
there's no chemistry,
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there's no togetherness.
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So Leah was doing everything she
thought she had the power to do
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to endear her husband to her.
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But obviously,
he wasn't buying it.
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It wasn't where his heart was.
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He was really in
love with someone else.
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So why do people think
that even though I am not doing
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the right thing and I am
not going about it the right way
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for marriage, why do they
still think that, "I will get it
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worked out the way I want it. "
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It's like they feel
that they have control and,
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"I only want to get married
because once I am married,
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everything will be
alright and I'll fix it. "
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That's the myth that
many young people have.
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They think that
marriage cures it all.
00:11:55.27\00:11:57.70
So they see red flags,
they see character flaws,
00:11:57.73\00:12:00.77
they see other issues
that they know will be an issue
00:12:00.78\00:12:03.71
in the marriage but they think,
"Well once we get married,
00:12:03.74\00:12:06.71
it will be solved, we
will live with it somehow. "
00:12:06.74\00:12:10.09
And they enter these
relationships only to find out
00:12:10.12\00:12:13.11
that they live in pain, they
live in a loveless relationship.
00:12:13.14\00:12:16.17
And many times,
they're even hated.
00:12:16.20\00:12:17.93
If one should ask
Laban, "Was it worth it?"
00:12:19.50\00:12:24.65
what might be his response
at this point knowing what
00:12:24.68\00:12:28.55
his daughter is going through?
00:12:28.58\00:12:30.61
I think Laban was a hard nut
to crack and he probably didn't
00:12:30.64\00:12:35.04
really love Leah himself.
00:12:35.07\00:12:37.13
Although it was a
custom and it seemed a practice
00:12:37.14\00:12:39.43
in those days for the
first daughter to get married,
00:12:39.46\00:12:41.55
the reality is, if he truly
understood the hurt emotionally
00:12:41.58\00:12:45.07
that he inflicted on his
own daughter, he probably
00:12:45.10\00:12:47.81
would have not done it.
00:12:47.84\00:12:49.01
We're talking about the
danger of deception and envy.
00:12:49.79\00:12:55.01
And we chronicled the story
of Jacob, how he was deceived,
00:12:55.86\00:13:01.88
and the pain it
brought into the relationship.
00:13:01.91\00:13:05.58
He didn't love his wife.
00:13:05.61\00:13:07.16
When we come back,
we're going to look at
00:13:07.19\00:13:10.67
some of these issues and how
they impact you as a individual.
00:13:10.70\00:13:14.80
We want to talk to you and
your experience and to help you
00:13:14.83\00:13:18.01
to grow from it or how you
might be able to correct it.
00:13:18.04\00:13:21.45
So don't go away, stay with us.
00:13:21.48\00:13:23.33
Because when we come
back, we want to look at
00:13:23.36\00:13:26.36
what can you do if
you're experiencing deception.
00:13:26.39\00:13:30.31
There are many How
To books available,
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but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
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"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
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Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
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easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
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and everyone in between.
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Simply call or
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Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:09.41\00:14:12.39
We have been talking
about deception and envy.
00:14:12.42\00:14:16.98
Well, we have not
only been talking about it,
00:14:18.46\00:14:22.55
but we have been highlighting
some of the mistakes
00:14:22.58\00:14:27.08
people make in order
to form relationships.
00:14:27.11\00:14:30.79
So what I would like you to
do, June, you are a clinician.
00:14:30.82\00:14:36.78
You have worked with hundreds
and hundreds of families.
00:14:36.81\00:14:42.03
And listening to us are
families who might be hurting
00:14:42.06\00:14:46.71
because of a deception.
00:14:46.74\00:14:48.24
Or there might be other
reasons, but they are hurting.
00:14:48.27\00:14:51.47
Could you talk to them a
little and share with them
00:14:51.50\00:14:55.38
how can they cope with
their pain or with whatever
00:14:55.39\00:15:01.28
they're going through.
00:15:01.31\00:15:02.57
Now there are many variables,
I think, that one would
00:15:03.18\00:15:07.14
have to consider.
00:15:07.17\00:15:08.15
The reality is, if this
deception was a result of
00:15:08.18\00:15:12.24
something you did that
contributed to it, then I think
00:15:12.27\00:15:16.83
you first must acknowledge
your role in that scenario.
00:15:16.84\00:15:20.64
And both of you must be
committed to fix the situation.
00:15:20.67\00:15:26.45
So the deceiver might be totally
responsible for the outcome
00:15:26.46\00:15:31.51
of what happened, but you may
have contributed in some way.
00:15:31.54\00:15:34.73
And so both of you need to
take responsibility for what
00:15:34.74\00:15:38.72
needs to happen beyond that.
00:15:38.75\00:15:41.18
The next step that you need,
after you have both committed,
00:15:41.21\00:15:43.86
is to be willing to say, "Are
we able to forgive each other
00:15:43.89\00:15:48.21
and are we willing to
put the past behind us?"
00:15:48.24\00:15:51.94
The reality is,
deception is of the devil.
00:15:51.97\00:15:55.19
And it is his role to
destroy every good thing.
00:15:55.22\00:16:00.46
And so once you recognize
that and know that God's love
00:16:00.49\00:16:04.46
encompasses all
hurt, then you can proceed
00:16:04.49\00:16:08.15
to forgive each other
and to start on a clean page.
00:16:08.18\00:16:11.72
So I'm hearing you
saying that the two individuals
00:16:11.75\00:16:15.47
have to come together
and try and work it out.
00:16:15.48\00:16:18.96
And most times, in
there lies the problem.
00:16:18.99\00:16:22.47
Because one party
wants to work it out and the
00:16:22.48\00:16:25.96
other party does not.
00:16:25.99\00:16:27.36
And so I'm appealing, if you're
listening to me and you are the
00:16:27.39\00:16:31.72
resistant party, if you don't
care, you have been deceived
00:16:31.75\00:16:35.90
and you don't want to
talk about it, at this stage
00:16:35.91\00:16:38.66
what do you do?
00:16:38.69\00:16:39.70
Do you walk away
from your family?
00:16:39.73\00:16:41.15
Do you break up?
00:16:41.18\00:16:42.40
You know, God has the
awesome power to forgive us.
00:16:42.43\00:16:46.35
And we have seen it.
00:16:46.38\00:16:47.38
Calvary reminds us how He loves
us and how much He forgives us.
00:16:47.41\00:16:52.32
And if you can only understand
what took place at Calvary,
00:16:52.35\00:16:56.10
then maybe God can help
you to find it in your heart
00:16:56.13\00:17:00.06
to forgive the spouse.
00:17:00.09\00:17:01.60
As I listen to you say that,
I am reminded of God's love
00:17:01.63\00:17:05.28
and the reality of
our deception to Him.
00:17:05.31\00:17:09.15
And how often do we
promise Him to do certain things
00:17:09.18\00:17:14.71
and we renege on our promises.
00:17:14.74\00:17:17.18
So we literally deceive
Him or we lie to Him as well.
00:17:17.21\00:17:21.53
Yet He forgives
us just the same.
00:17:21.54\00:17:23.71
So if you're hurting because
your spouse deceived you,
00:17:23.74\00:17:26.90
maybe you want to think
about your relationship with God
00:17:26.93\00:17:29.78
and how often you
have erred and He has been
00:17:29.81\00:17:32.73
willing to forgive you.
00:17:32.76\00:17:33.81
And we're not here trying
to build up a house of cards
00:17:33.84\00:17:37.24
because we do know that
there are some situations,
00:17:37.27\00:17:41.52
heartfelt
situations, that the obvious
00:17:41.55\00:17:46.29
result from it, you
know, is inevitable.
00:17:46.32\00:17:49.96
So we're not
here judging anyone.
00:17:49.97\00:17:52.68
But what' we're saying
is, if there's a possibility
00:17:52.71\00:17:55.50
that both of you can work it
out, if there's a possibility,
00:17:55.53\00:17:58.20
try your best.
00:17:58.23\00:17:59.64
But deception is painful.
00:17:59.67\00:18:01.52
And that goes for the
rest of you who are listening
00:18:01.55\00:18:04.06
who might be
practicing deceit to hear this,
00:18:04.09\00:18:07.46
that in the long run
you're going to hurt yourself,
00:18:07.49\00:18:10.47
hurt your family, and
even hurt your children.
00:18:10.50\00:18:13.53
Now Leah was desperate
and she wanted her husband
00:18:13.56\00:18:18.46
to love her.
00:18:18.49\00:18:19.74
And she had one son, two
sons, three sons, four sons.
00:18:19.77\00:18:24.39
And that didn't happen.
00:18:24.42\00:18:26.28
What was happening here?
00:18:26.31\00:18:27.34
You know, here's
her desperation now.
00:18:27.37\00:18:31.71
She offered up her handmaid.
00:18:31.74\00:18:34.99
It's like she said to her
husband, "Okay, you're still
00:18:35.02\00:18:37.55
not happy with me.
00:18:37.58\00:18:38.62
I'm trying to please you but
you're still not happy with me.
00:18:38.63\00:18:41.08
So okay, take my
handmaid and maybe that will
00:18:41.11\00:18:44.58
make you love me. "
00:18:44.61\00:18:45.80
The father, her
father is at fault.
00:18:46.73\00:18:50.19
Her father caused
this woman's pain, travail,
00:18:50.22\00:18:53.34
and what have you.
00:18:53.37\00:18:54.44
And that's why she's going
through all these desperate
00:18:54.47\00:18:56.93
measures trying
to find happiness.
00:18:56.96\00:19:00.22
Now...
00:19:00.25\00:19:01.45
But I think before we
move on, it's important to note
00:19:03.12\00:19:05.53
that happiness is not
something that we can purchase
00:19:05.56\00:19:09.20
or that we can do something
to achieve in the way that
00:19:09.23\00:19:12.96
Leah went about it.
00:19:12.99\00:19:14.48
And so many couples, or
so many people, in their
00:19:14.51\00:19:17.54
desperation to get happy,
they use deceptive tactics.
00:19:17.57\00:19:21.59
And it never
ever brings happiness.
00:19:21.60\00:19:24.27
Well the question
must be answered then,
00:19:24.30\00:19:27.66
why do people deceive?
00:19:27.69\00:19:30.73
Why do people practice
deceit, carry out deceit,
00:19:30.74\00:19:34.61
even though sometimes
they know the consequences?
00:19:34.64\00:19:37.38
Why are they
willing to run the risk?
00:19:37.41\00:19:39.89
I think sometimes people
are just basically selfish.
00:19:39.92\00:19:42.90
They want it their way
and if they can't get it,
00:19:42.93\00:19:47.21
then they will
lie to achieve it.
00:19:47.24\00:19:49.43
So they have a narcissistic
personality then, selfishness.
00:19:49.46\00:19:52.12
It could be that it's a disorder
like that, but it could just
00:19:52.15\00:19:54.34
be plain selfish traits.
00:19:54.37\00:19:56.81
And sometimes people
want to get their way.
00:19:56.84\00:19:59.92
It's just, you
know, this is what I want
00:19:59.95\00:20:03.74
and it doesn't
matter who I hurt.
00:20:03.77\00:20:06.96
It doesn't matter, it's
just what I want and that's all.
00:20:06.99\00:20:11.94
Sometimes the spouse is hurting
or was hurt by the spouse
00:20:11.97\00:20:17.31
and they want to
spite the other person.
00:20:17.32\00:20:19.88
And so they inflict pain
by doing something that they
00:20:19.91\00:20:23.36
know would get under the
skin of the other individual.
00:20:23.39\00:20:25.80
And they would
really be mistrustful.
00:20:25.83\00:20:28.83
Sometimes people are deceptive
and they use deception as a
00:20:28.86\00:20:33.80
means of manipulating.
00:20:33.81\00:20:35.55
When they want to manipulate
a process, again to get their
00:20:35.58\00:20:38.19
own way, deception comes in.
00:20:38.22\00:20:40.27
Sometimes too, it is that
they fear the consequences.
00:20:40.30\00:20:44.27
It could be that the spouse
might act violently towards them
00:20:44.30\00:20:48.85
or the outcome is more
than they're willing to handle
00:20:48.88\00:20:52.56
or they
perceive their inadequacy
00:20:52.59\00:20:55.23
to handle the situation.
00:20:55.26\00:20:56.67
And so they will lie about
what happened just to protect
00:20:56.70\00:20:59.21
themselves from
what they perceive to be
00:20:59.24\00:21:01.57
a negative response.
00:21:01.60\00:21:03.24
We have been talking
about faith and we have been
00:21:03.27\00:21:05.93
emphasizing faith.
00:21:05.96\00:21:07.61
And I find that
sometimes people deceive because
00:21:08.51\00:21:12.45
they don't have faith.
00:21:12.48\00:21:14.04
It's a lack of faith.
00:21:14.07\00:21:17.04
Can I depend on
God? Can I wait on God?
00:21:17.07\00:21:20.22
I have been waiting these many
years and nothing is coming.
00:21:20.25\00:21:23.93
This is my possibility, maybe
my only possibility as I see it,
00:21:23.96\00:21:28.16
and there are some obstacles
but if I hide the obstacles,
00:21:28.19\00:21:31.42
and get what I want,
then let things work out.
00:21:31.45\00:21:33.95
Que sera, sera.
00:21:33.98\00:21:35.37
I think another thing could
be just a fear of rejection.
00:21:35.40\00:21:38.83
They perceive that if
their husband or wife were to
00:21:38.86\00:21:43.24
find out the truth, or if
the person they're in love with
00:21:43.27\00:21:45.70
were to find out the
truth, that they probably would
00:21:45.73\00:21:47.95
end the relationship.
00:21:47.98\00:21:49.08
And so in an attempt to
preserve the relationship,
00:21:49.11\00:21:52.15
they think it would be
wise to deceive the person,
00:21:52.18\00:21:56.87
not realizing that this is
the worst thing to ever do.
00:21:56.88\00:22:01.24
So deception then is
never healthy to an individual
00:22:01.27\00:22:06.37
or to a relationship.
00:22:06.40\00:22:07.83
And this story chronicles
the pain and the heartache and
00:22:07.86\00:22:10.99
everything that
comes from deception.
00:22:11.02\00:22:13.06
Now let's pick up the
story again because it's
00:22:13.09\00:22:15.65
not yet finished.
00:22:15.66\00:22:18.01
After promising to work
for seven more years now,
00:22:18.04\00:22:24.12
Jacob is given
the love of his life.
00:22:24.13\00:22:28.07
He is given Rachel
and so he marries Rachel.
00:22:28.10\00:22:32.72
It sounds good, end of story.
00:22:32.73\00:22:34.73
They ride off in their,
she rides off with her knight
00:22:34.76\00:22:38.83
in shining armor and that's it.
00:22:38.86\00:22:40.96
They live happily ever after.
00:22:40.99\00:22:42.55
Unfortunately, the
story didn't end that way.
00:22:42.56\00:22:45.45
Rachel got what she wanted,
or Jacob got what he wanted,
00:22:45.48\00:22:52.06
but Rachel was still not happy.
00:22:52.09\00:22:54.71
Yes, think of the implication.
00:22:54.74\00:22:58.57
Let's look at this
home environment now.
00:22:58.60\00:23:02.37
Because, remember now,
Jacob is married to two sisters.
00:23:02.40\00:23:07.04
So now her sister is
her children's step mother.
00:23:07.07\00:23:14.18
That's kind of funny.
00:23:14.21\00:23:15.58
Her sister is her
children's step mother.
00:23:15.61\00:23:19.52
But her husband is
also her brother-in-law.
00:23:19.55\00:23:23.44
Now, it is said that her
children and her sister's
00:23:24.20\00:23:27.56
children are brothers.
00:23:27.59\00:23:30.04
That's kind of weird.
00:23:30.07\00:23:32.01
Her sister has
children for her own husband.
00:23:32.96\00:23:37.94
So her children must call
her sister's children cousins.
00:23:37.97\00:23:42.64
But they're also brothers.
00:23:42.67\00:23:44.47
Yea, so we're getting a kind of
a potluck relationship here now.
00:23:44.50\00:23:51.47
Rachel's son's must
call her sister "aunt".
00:23:51.48\00:24:01.34
And now Jacob's wife
is his sister-in-law.
00:24:01.37\00:24:05.33
That's a lot of complication
that we're talking about.
00:24:05.36\00:24:08.60
Four of Jacob's son's
are his nephew's-in-law.
00:24:08.63\00:24:12.34
You know, Rachel is
bound to have problem in
00:24:12.37\00:24:17.63
this relationship.
00:24:17.66\00:24:18.90
Talk about dysfunction.
00:24:18.94\00:24:20.61
This is a dysfunctional family.
00:24:20.64\00:24:22.76
And there are too
many glaring red flags.
00:24:22.79\00:24:26.75
The family is mixed up,
the red flags are there.
00:24:26.76\00:24:30.39
In many relationships,
these dynamics and dimensions
00:24:32.06\00:24:36.46
in this family may not exist.
00:24:36.49\00:24:38.69
But talk about red flags.
00:24:38.72\00:24:41.27
We saw them before
and yet this family
00:24:41.30\00:24:46.30
went ahead and did what
they wanted to do anyway.
00:24:46.33\00:24:49.07
And people do just that.
00:24:49.47\00:24:51.31
People see red
flags, they see danger,
00:24:51.34\00:24:53.80
they see things that...
00:24:53.83\00:24:54.99
And you listening to me, some of
you are looking at the red flag.
00:24:55.02\00:24:57.97
You know the red flag
and you're still holding
00:24:58.00\00:25:00.32
onto the relationship.
00:25:00.33\00:25:01.58
You see things in the individual
that you know is not right.
00:25:01.61\00:25:04.52
You know, one lady called me.
00:25:04.55\00:25:05.60
I was in my office
once, up in New York there,
00:25:05.63\00:25:07.59
was in my office,
and a lady called me.
00:25:07.63\00:25:09.45
I don't know where
they were calling from.
00:25:09.48\00:25:10.84
But she said, "I have
to ask you this question. "
00:25:10.87\00:25:12.92
And she said, "I'm engaged to my
fiancé and the marriage is set,
00:25:12.95\00:25:18.10
but we had an argument the
other day and he slapped me
00:25:18.13\00:25:20.89
in my face, slapped
me twice in my face.
00:25:20.92\00:25:22.88
What do you think I should do?"
00:25:22.91\00:25:24.41
And I said, "Do you
really need my council on that?"
00:25:24.44\00:25:28.35
She said, "Yes, Dr.
Smith, I need your council. "
00:25:28.38\00:25:30.28
I said, "You should run. "
00:25:30.31\00:25:31.95
She said, "What did you say?"
00:25:31.98\00:25:33.01
I said "Run from
that relationship. "
00:25:33.04\00:25:34.89
And I was dead serious.
00:25:34.92\00:25:36.22
Because don't you
see what's happening now.
00:25:36.23\00:25:39.06
They're not yet
married and what's going to
00:25:39.09\00:25:40.51
happen when they're married?
00:25:40.54\00:25:41.71
But of course, in
her mind she loves him.
00:25:41.74\00:25:44.59
And she might even
justify that he was angry
00:25:44.62\00:25:47.84
or she may have said something
that brought on his rage, etc.
00:25:47.87\00:25:51.30
And she will walk right
into an abusive relationship.
00:25:51.33\00:25:55.04
Red flags are
important for you to observe.
00:25:55.79\00:26:00.09
When you see them,
you're to take heed.
00:26:00.12\00:26:04.05
You are to look at
yourself and say, "Am I doing
00:26:04.08\00:26:08.21
what God wants me to do?
00:26:08.24\00:26:10.08
Am I going in
the right direction?"
00:26:10.11\00:26:11.70
What are some of the
dangers of ignoring these flags?
00:26:11.73\00:26:14.35
Well, you can end up like
Leah with a loveless marriage,
00:26:14.38\00:26:18.13
your spouse hates
you, not joined to you.
00:26:18.16\00:26:21.00
There is no synergy,
no energy, no chemistry
00:26:21.03\00:26:23.47
in the relationship.
00:26:23.50\00:26:24.62
You can spend nights crying.
00:26:24.65\00:26:27.48
There's a whole pictorial of
problems that you can go through
00:26:27.51\00:26:31.59
if you ignore the red flags.
00:26:31.62\00:26:34.08
So we're saying,
it's not worth the risk.
00:26:34.11\00:26:36.08
When you see character
flaws that you know up front
00:26:36.09\00:26:40.14
will bring you pain,
before you're even married,
00:26:40.17\00:26:43.00
then don't expect that they are
going to change after marriage.
00:26:43.01\00:26:46.88
So people should be
honest with their relationship.
00:26:46.91\00:26:50.89
They should be
honest to their spouse,
00:26:50.92\00:26:52.97
they should be
honest to their children.
00:26:53.00\00:26:54.61
When you're
forming relationships,
00:26:54.64\00:26:56.32
you should be honest.
00:26:56.35\00:26:57.56
Because if honesty is not at
the heart of the relationship,
00:26:57.59\00:27:00.94
it's going to
come back and hurt you.
00:27:00.97\00:27:02.71
And we have seen so many
cases, we have seen so many
00:27:02.74\00:27:05.14
individuals who
said, "I knew, but... "
00:27:05.17\00:27:07.99
In the long run they are the
ones that have been affected.
00:27:08.02\00:27:12.77
Another point I want
to make is that Leah was
00:27:12.80\00:27:15.35
yearning for Rachel's life.
00:27:15.36\00:27:17.44
She wanted what her sister had.
00:27:17.47\00:27:19.27
Yet, Rachel was
yearning for Leah's life.
00:27:19.30\00:27:23.53
Isn't that an irony?
00:27:23.56\00:27:24.57
We call it symbiotic confusion.
00:27:24.60\00:27:26.44
Rachel wants to be Leah
and Leah wants to be Rachel.
00:27:26.47\00:27:29.98
Leah is saying, "My
husband loves this woman. "
00:27:30.01\00:27:34.36
And Rachel is saying, "She
has children from my husband. "
00:27:34.37\00:27:39.84
So like deception,
envy is not a good thing.
00:27:39.87\00:27:42.80
Well, that's what we want
to talk about in part two.
00:27:42.83\00:27:45.16
This is part one
of our presentation,
00:27:45.19\00:27:47.72
The Danger of
Deception and Envy.
00:27:47.75\00:27:51.52
And we will talk
about envy in part two.
00:27:51.55\00:27:53.70
But we are happy
that you have tuned in.
00:27:53.73\00:27:57.05
Remember, do not be deceptive.
00:27:57.08\00:27:58.98
Be honest with yourself.
00:27:59.01\00:28:00.53