Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000069
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:34 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June. 00:37 And together we want to talk about what singles want 00:42 married people to hear. 00:44 Wow. That's an interesting topic. 00:47 It sounds like. 00:48 You know, we have a lot of singles in our churches today. 00:53 Quite a lot. 00:54 As a matter of fact, based on the statistics 00:57 we have more singles than we have married people 01:01 in the church. 01:03 And I think one of the great challenges is that our church is 01:06 so family focused. 01:07 And we have so many projects and activities that are all 01:14 geared towards the family that, many times, single people 01:18 feel pressured and they sometimes feel displaced. 01:23 And sometimes they feel the programs that are being planned 01:27 don't have them in mind. 01:29 A good starting point would be this text in the Bible in 01:33 1 Corinthians 10 that says, "Whether therefore ye eat 01:37 or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the 01:41 honor and glory of God. " 01:43 And that's what we would use as a starting point 01:46 when we're talking to singles and single families. 01:49 We're saying, whatever you do, do it to the honor 01:52 and glory of God. 01:54 Of course, there are some issues that are affecting singles. 01:59 And the one that I hear as we travel around the world, 02:03 the one that we hear every so often is, 02:06 "Why so few available men?" 02:09 What would be your response to a question like that? 02:13 I think there are many factors that would contribute 02:16 to the void that exists in eligible partners for 02:22 our Christian single women. 02:24 But I would think that one main one is that a lot of our 02:28 young men end up in war or end up in the Army. 02:32 Whether it is the Marines or the Air Force, or where ever. 02:35 And so... 02:36 Now we're not saying that war is, I mean, they're going 02:40 into the Marines or into the Air Force, or what have you, 02:43 that it's bad. 02:44 What we are saying is that by virtue of going to war, 02:47 we have lost a number of our able bodied men that 02:52 single women could have to marry. 02:55 That's the point we're making. 02:56 So we believe our soldiers have done a great job 03:00 and they're doing a great job. 03:02 We respect and we honor them. 03:03 But the fact is clear that, yes, we do lose a lot of 03:09 able bodied men as a result of war. 03:12 And that would be one factor. 03:13 Another sad reality is a lot of our single men end up in jail. 03:19 Wow, that is sad. That is sad. 03:22 Our prisons are loaded with very capable and wonderful young men 03:28 whose lives were cut short or whose lives were interrupted 03:33 by criminal activities for whatever the reasons are that 03:36 got them into this and took them out of the pool, as it were. 03:40 You know, June, maybe there's a young man 03:42 listening to us right now going down the wrong pathway. 03:48 You're single, you're young, you're energetic, 03:52 you say you want fun. 03:53 But the things you're doing, the places you're going, 03:56 it's the wrong type of fun and the wrong type of activities, 04:01 the things that you find yourself involved. 04:03 And I'm not afraid to say, for example, if you're doing drugs 04:06 sooner or later you're going to end up in prison. 04:09 So we want to appeal to the young men, who at this point 04:14 in their life, you're not taking a positive control of your life 04:19 and you're not doing the right thing, 04:20 you will join the statistic. 04:23 There are too many able bodied young men 04:27 who are in prison that should be out in society 04:31 making a valuable contribution. 04:33 Don't make that mistake. 04:35 We might even add that they should be in school, 04:37 they should be in college, they should be learning a trade, 04:40 so they're getting ready for the work force and hopefully 04:44 to become a father and a husband someday. 04:47 So I'm hearing you say, failure to improve 04:50 is another variable why there are so few available men. 04:54 Many young men who leave high school, although so many 04:59 of them drop out of high school, but many young men who 05:02 leave high school are anxious to get a job and probably to buy 05:06 a fast car or to buy whatever it is that they perceive to be 05:09 their need rather than going to college. 05:12 And we have the reverse happening with the women 05:14 where most young girls who finish high school 05:17 are looking to get into college. 05:19 And when we go to college graduations, we see a typical 05:22 graduation with fellows and young women graduating 05:25 and maybe one hundred young men, if that many. 05:28 That's a sad ratio. 05:29 The ratio might not be as bad as that, but... 05:31 I tell you, in some places it's probably almost all young women 05:34 and very few, if any, young men. 05:36 But it's a sad picture and we really would like our men 05:40 to hear us and to understand what we are saying. 05:42 We want you to improve yourself, we want you to do well. 05:46 Some of you are not. 05:48 You're in school and you're failing, 05:50 you're making poor grades, and it's not bothering you, 05:52 it's not affecting you, it's like it's okay. 05:54 This mediocre type of mentality. 05:57 And that's not good. 05:58 It's not good for you, it's not good society, 06:02 and it's not good for the young ladies who are progressive 06:04 and are moving ahead in life. 06:07 There is another problem. 06:08 We say many young men are later in coming on to their or 06:14 developing an interest in spiritual things. 06:16 And that is something that I have observed as an 06:21 evangelist myself, and as I go around the world and I 06:26 have these evangelistic campaigns, I notice that 06:29 more women gravitate towards the gospel than men. 06:33 And what is happening is we're having more ladies 06:38 coming into the church and we're having less men. 06:42 I think as preachers, we have to try to help turn this around. 06:48 And by this I mean, preaching sermons and building sermons 06:54 that appeal to a male population and not necessarily 06:59 a kind of a female population. 07:01 We have to make a conscious effort. 07:04 One of the things I have done, and I have seen a lot of success 07:07 in that, is that in these evangelistic campaigns 07:10 I have nights geared towards the men and I call it 07:14 Men's Night or Young Men's Night. 07:16 And I ask the wives and the ladies to bring the men tonight 07:22 and we're going to talk to them. 07:23 And I talk to them about some of these very same issues 07:26 because I want to see more men accepting the Lord. 07:30 That's a very good idea. 07:32 Now there is another factor. 07:36 We could consider the concept of fearing commitment. 07:40 I speak to so many young men who seem to be at the age 07:44 at which they should be in a serious relationship. 07:47 And I would ask them, "What's going on here?" 07:49 And they would say, "They're afraid to commit 07:51 because it just seems that once you commit, 07:54 it's all downhill from there. " 07:56 And it's just such a twisted or, I think, a bad perception 08:01 that many young men have. 08:03 So if you see a young woman that you admire 08:07 and would make your potential partner, who loves the Lord 08:10 as much as you do and who is progressive and ambitious and 08:13 meets all the criteria you have established for yourself, 08:15 don't be afraid to commit. 08:16 Tell her you love her and move towards dating her. 08:19 Make sure it is God's will and God's plan for your life. 08:23 Pray about it, but yes, make the commitment 08:26 rather than flirting forever. 08:28 That's the point we're making. 08:30 It's strange that we talk about that because when you have, 08:36 when organizations, religious and faith based organizations, 08:41 have what we call retreats like women's retreat 08:45 and men's convention, you generally see a large 08:50 percentage of women going to the women's retreat 08:53 and a small percentage of men going to the men's convention. 08:57 Just like we talked about the graduation and the 08:59 disparity between male and female. 09:02 Something is kind of radically wrong with the male population 09:08 in terms of going to these events to self improve. 09:13 Even someone who is married sometimes has an aversion to 09:17 going to a spiritual retreat or a spiritual convention 09:22 that would help to build them up and strengthen their families. 09:25 I think the same thing is true for singles ministry. 09:31 You have retreats or events that are created just for singles 09:36 and the reality is many of these events are crowded 09:41 with young women and very few men. 09:43 And when I talk to the men, the men say, 09:45 "Well, I'm not single. I'm just not married yet. " 09:48 Well, so why so few available Christian men is one of the 09:53 issues affecting women. 09:54 Another one is, how do we control our intimate urges? 09:58 How do we control them? 10:00 I like what Ellen White says. 10:01 She says everyone has to be guarded. 10:04 They have to learn to restrain their passion 10:07 and control their principles. 10:11 So restraining the passion, controlling the principles 10:15 that are there. 10:16 I think that's one of the number one challenges that 10:19 single people have. 10:21 Especially the single woman. 10:22 As I've talked to them going around the society, 10:25 they will tell me, "What am I suppose to do? 10:27 I'm normal like every other human being. 10:29 I have my hormones pumping into my bloodstream 10:32 and I have sensual urges. 10:35 What do I do? 10:36 I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a husband, 10:38 I'm not married. 10:39 How do I do that?" 10:40 So I think it's very pertinent that we address this issue. 10:43 And I like what the Bible says when it admonishes 10:46 guarding the avenues of our soul. 10:49 I think there are some things that we expose ourselves to 10:52 that make us more vulnerable. 10:54 For example, if we were to, as a single woman, 10:58 look at and observe sensuous material, 11:02 you know, whether it is a movie or a book that you read, 11:06 that would, what you call, turn you on or inflate the passion 11:11 then you're going to be in a very difficult place. 11:14 So the Bible is instructing you to reduce contact with those 11:18 kinds of stimulations so you don't get yourself 11:20 into a tough place. 11:21 Garbage in, garbage out. 11:23 In other words, what you put in is what you get. 11:25 Isn't it part of the theory of cognitive behavioral therapy; 11:29 what you think, the way you think about an issue is 11:34 the way you feel about it. 11:36 And so if you find yourself thinking and meditating 11:39 and dreaming over certain things, you start feeling 11:42 that way, it inflames the passion and you move 11:44 in the wrong direction. 11:45 So the places you go, the friends you hang with, 11:48 the things you talk about, the things you read. 11:50 The things even that you eat. 11:52 All those things contribute to the capacity that you have 11:56 to contain your passion. 11:58 Well you know, there's a lot of pressure that is out there 12:01 on singles, and sometimes they become desperate as a result. 12:06 What do they do with their desperation? 12:09 Or should a young lady allow herself, or a young man 12:12 for that matter, allow himself or herself to get to the 12:15 point of desperation? 12:16 I think that it is reasonable to concede that a young person 12:21 might get to a certain age... 12:23 I've spoken to so many young people and they tell me, 12:25 "Oh my biological clock is ticking. " 12:27 And it simply means that they're getting to an age where 12:30 they're in child bearing age and they'd like to have a 12:33 child at some point, but they don't want to have 12:35 the child out of wedlock. 12:36 And so they do experience a sense of desperation. 12:39 But my counsel to them would be, allow the Lord to lead them 12:42 and allow the Lord to give them the things 12:46 or allow the experiences in their life that He knows 12:48 will be best for them. 12:49 Unfortunately, some people will not get married. 12:53 So take control of your life, take control of yourself, 12:58 and let God guide you. 13:01 We have a lot of things to talk about. 13:03 We're talking about what singles want married people to hear. 13:07 And when we come back, we're going to go right into that. 13:10 We're going to share with you some of the things that 13:12 singles are saying, "We want married people to hear. " 13:16 Don't go away. Stay with us. 13:18 Because you are going to enjoy these things. 13:20 And not only that, we're going to share some things also; 13:23 what do you do if you're a single individual. 13:34 There are many How To books available 13:36 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:39 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage. " 13:42 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:46 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:48 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:51 and everyone in between. 13:53 Simple call or write for your free copy. 14:06 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:09 My husband, Alanzo, and I have been discussing 14:12 what singles want married people to know. 14:19 And now we are going to look at some of these issues. 14:23 The first one, singles are saying stop pressuring 14:28 them to get married. 14:30 When you ask questions like, "When are you getting married?" 14:34 or, "Aren't you married yet?" 14:37 These single people are saying that's really putting 14:41 pressure on them. 14:43 If they were going to get married, you would have heard. 14:46 So stop asking them that question. 14:49 Is that fair? 14:50 I think that's a fair request. 14:52 It must be a very uncomfortable thing for a young woman or man 14:56 who would like to get married but isn't being pursued to 15:00 constantly have to answer, "When are you going to get married?" 15:03 I think another concern that is frequently identified is that, 15:08 single women, especially, find that married men 15:13 tend to want to flirt with them. 15:16 And they're saying, they're not available and 15:18 neither do they feel respected when that happens. 15:21 And so they want to say, "Stop it. " 15:24 Flirting. 15:26 It goes on every so often but it doesn't mean that it is right. 15:32 And you have to understand that there are singles out there 15:36 with their integrity, singles who stand for values and strong 15:42 moral principles because they have a strong moral character. 15:46 And sometimes, as married men or married women, 15:49 we make some inappropriate jokes, we pass some remarks, 15:53 we do some uncomfortable touching that they don't like, 15:58 they don't appreciate. 15:59 And yes, they're saying they really don't like it 16:02 and they would like you to desist that kind of behavior. 16:05 So they're saying that they feel vulnerable in the presence of 16:08 many married men. 16:10 And I don't think it's only men that do these 16:14 inappropriate things. 16:15 I think sometimes married women may also pursue 16:18 single men as well. 16:19 So it goes either way. 16:21 Sometimes you find that they express their love to them 16:25 but in a joking way. 16:26 Like, "You know, you wouldn't believe this but you're the 16:30 only one I love. " 16:32 It's not right. 16:33 They're saying it makes them feel uncomfortable. 16:36 I am sure they're not expressing their love to their spouse. 16:40 And that's what they need to do. 16:41 You need to go tell your spouse that she's the 16:45 only one you love, he's the only one you love. 16:48 And singles are saying, "We really don't appreciate it. 16:51 We don't want you to be expressing your love to us. " 16:54 Express it appropriately to the individual 16:57 that you should be expressing it to. 16:58 Unfortunately what happens sometimes is that 17:02 married men often find single women and they will tell them 17:08 that their marriage is a mistake hoping to attract the 17:13 single woman to himself. 17:16 And that is so wrong. 17:18 Isn't it a form of deceptive tactics? 17:20 It's like, "I want to fool the woman. 17:26 I want her to feel that she's so important to me, 17:28 she's so significant to me. 17:30 So I'm letting her know that, you know, I made a mistake. 17:33 If you were around, if I had seen you. " 17:37 And the funny thing about it is that sometimes 17:40 they know these single women prior to their marriage. 17:45 Yet, and they selected the person they married, 17:49 but afterwards now they're going back to them and they're saying, 17:51 "Oh I made a mistake. 17:53 You're the one I should have married because really 17:55 you're the one I'm in love with and I don't know why 17:57 I was so foolish. " 17:59 Should a woman be that gullible or a man be that gullible 18:02 to accept those? 18:03 Unfortunately, some are? But it shouldn't. 18:06 And we're saying, don't allow it to even start. 18:10 If you're married, you need to stay committed to your wife 18:13 or to your husband. 18:14 And nor should you disrespect a single person. 18:18 You know, a woman who is single or a young man who is single 18:22 are quite capable, if it is God's will, to pursue and 18:26 find a person who they will fall in love with. 18:29 But for a married man to try to use them, or a married woman 18:32 to try to use them in that regard, it's very disrespectful 18:34 to the single person. 18:36 But here the individual is saying, "I made a mistake. " 18:40 Well, when we're forming relationships, it is okay 18:45 to have friends. 18:46 And from that group of friends, you're going to select 18:50 one to be your wife or husband. 18:54 And it is possible, humanly speaking now, 18:58 it is possible that you could have made a mistake. 19:00 That is to say, in terms of chemistry and what have you, 19:03 you select "J" and not "A". 19:06 But what if that is my situation? 19:10 What if I made the mistake and I'm saying I made the 19:14 mistake and I selected the wrong person? 19:15 In your case, you didn't make the mistake. 19:17 Oh no, I know I didn't make the mistake. 19:18 33 years of marriage. No, no. 19:20 We are cool, we are okay. 19:22 But what I'm saying is, for the listener out there, 19:25 the man who is saying or the woman who is saying, 19:27 "I made a mistake," and is like crying and pleading 19:31 to this one now saying, "It should have been you. " 19:33 Isn't it tough luck whether or not...? 19:35 I would say to the single person, if a married man tells 19:38 you that as a woman, you need to say, "Too bad. 19:41 If you made a mistake, you've got to live with it 19:43 because I am not available. " 19:45 Or if a single man is told that, he needs to say 19:48 "Go respect your husband and leave me alone. " 19:52 But sometimes, unfortunately, the contrary is true. 19:57 It kind of restores some of the pain that I experience because, 20:03 the pain of rejection, because I was not accepted. 20:05 And so here's an opportunity now to make up for my past loss. 20:10 Those are some of the dynamics that result, 20:13 but it doesn't make it right. 20:14 So what the single person is saying is that the best thing 20:18 is to stop telling us. 20:19 "We don't want to hear it. 20:20 If you made a mistake, too bad. We don't want to hear it. 20:23 If you didn't make a mistake, we still don't want to hear it. 20:25 Whatever it is, live with your situation and leave us alone. " 20:29 One of the things that I want to say to single people is that 20:31 singleness is not a disorder, singleness is not a dysfunction. 20:35 It is okay if you don't get married. 20:38 You can still have a very productive and 20:41 positive experience. 20:43 Well, sometimes you find that married men pressure 20:50 singles, and married women pressure single men 20:55 to have intimacy with them. 20:57 Singles are saying, "Stop pressuring us for intimacy. " 21:01 Because sometimes they apply the pressure? 21:03 They apply it in so many ways. 21:06 When you know that someone is vulnerable, you prey on them. 21:10 It tends to be the human encounter. 21:12 And so yes, single women and single men are vulnerable. 21:15 But they are saying they don't want to be 21:18 pressured for intimacy. 21:19 Because they're not willing to violate their values 21:24 nor to disappoint God. 21:25 Their bodies, they recognize as His temple and 21:28 they want to keep it that way. 21:29 And if it's God's will that they should get married, 21:31 then that will happen. 21:32 But yes, they want to avoid doing that. 21:34 So keep the jokes clean. 21:36 Keep the jokes clean, and no means no. 21:40 So when a man says to a woman, "no," he means no. 21:45 So when a woman says no to a man, she means no. 21:48 And they're to respect that. 21:49 No means no. 21:51 But there is a phrase that goes around, and I'm sure 21:55 you have heard it, where they say, "When a women 21:58 says no, she means yes. " 22:01 I've heard that every so often. 22:03 Elaborate on that for me. 22:04 Unfortunately, some women do behave like that 22:08 and it gives a double message. 22:10 But a respectful woman, or a woman who respects herself, 22:15 when she says no, she means no. 22:17 And so it's a myth to think that if she were to send a 22:20 double message, the result would be that you can still pursue. 22:24 A woman who says no, she means no. 22:28 So, men and woman, those if you who are married, 22:32 get the message clear. 22:33 Stop pressuring singles for intimacy. 22:37 Now there are times when there are problems in a marriage. 22:42 And what tends to happen with some married people is 22:45 that they find a single person who might be a good friend; 22:48 a co-worker, a person at church, or wherever, 22:51 and they will relate their marital problem 22:54 to the single person. 22:55 And that sometimes can be a very difficult thing for a 22:59 single person to handle. 23:00 And that creates a very vulnerable situation 23:03 for relationships to develop between a married person 23:06 and a single person. 23:08 So singles are saying they don't want to hear 23:10 your marital problems because they're not counselors. 23:13 If you have a problem with your marriage, 23:14 talk to your spiritual advisor or your spiritual leader. 23:17 Talk to a professional counselor. 23:19 Talk to somebody who can help you. 23:20 But don't go relate the intimacy of your life to somebody 23:24 who is not able to assist you. 23:27 I hear them saying also that when you introduce them 23:31 to someone, leave it there. 23:35 Nothing is wrong in introducing a potential suitor 23:40 to a single person. 23:41 But once you make the introduction, leave it there. 23:44 They don't want to be pressured into these many questions like, 23:47 "What's happening now. " 23:49 "You're too picky, you're too choosy. " 23:51 "Why didn't you take this person?" 23:53 And kind of putting a guilt feeling on them. 23:57 Relationships are complicated, at best, sometimes. 24:00 And individuals must be given the freedom to make their choice 24:05 and undue pressure should not be brought upon them. 24:09 So an introduction should be an introduction. 24:11 And it's okay to make the introduction. 24:13 They're not saying you should not make the introduction, 24:15 they're saying after you have done your part in 24:17 introducing someone, leave it there and move on. 24:21 So in a sense, we're saying that single people 24:24 will sometimes be in the presence of a married person, 24:28 and they might even request a service. 24:31 For example, you might need your car tire to be changed or 24:35 something is happening in your car and you're not sure 24:37 what it is, a young woman, you might ask a married man 24:40 to look at your car and help you diagnose what the problem is. 24:42 But whatever you ask for, whatever help you ask for, 24:46 all you're doing is asking for help to that specific problem. 24:50 You're not inviting this person in for anything else. 24:53 No intimacy, not nothing. 24:55 So single women are saying, or single people are saying, 24:58 "If we do have to ask for your assistance, 25:02 that's all we need. " 25:03 No strings attached. 25:05 So if you come to fix the faucet, fix the faucet 25:10 and go home. 25:11 "If we offer you a drink or some food, eat it and go home. " 25:16 That's what they're asking you to do. 25:17 In fact, I would even go as far as to say, you know, 25:20 maybe single women, especially, should avoid asking 25:23 favors of married men. 25:24 Because unfortunately, some people are not able to 25:27 establish clear boundaries. 25:28 And therefore, don't put yourself in a vulnerable place. 25:31 So be careful because there are some good married men who 25:34 generally go and help with no ulterior motives. 25:37 So just be careful, that's the operative word here. 25:40 Be careful. 25:41 Now, singles, we need to talk to you because you have to 25:45 love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. 25:48 If you don't do that, then you become vulnerable 25:51 to so many of these things we're talking about. 25:53 So it begins with self acceptance, self esteem. 25:57 Know who you are and feel good about yourself. 26:00 Value your strengths. 26:02 Understand that you are normal, you are healthy, 26:06 and if it is God's will for you to change your status as a 26:09 single person, that will happen. 26:10 But if it doesn't happen, you can live a very fulfilled life 26:14 like anyone else who is married. 26:17 Think positively. 26:18 It is important for you to think good about yourself and 26:21 feel good about yourself. 26:22 And always be optimistic. 26:25 There are so many other variables in life that you can 26:28 access and you can be healthy and productive and strong. 26:31 And we have so many who are doing just that and 26:34 we commend you, we applaud you. 26:35 We appreciate what you are doing. 26:37 But there are others who are falling apart. 26:39 There are others who are not maintaining their God given 26:42 strength and integrity. 26:43 And you are the ones we are reaching out to. 26:45 Sometimes you will feel a little out of place. 26:47 You go to church and the focus is on families. 26:50 Or you go to a banquet or a wedding and you feel a little, 26:53 you know, out of place. 26:55 But go with your head held high and feel good about yourself 26:59 because you have a right to be there. 27:01 Discount criticisms or anything that would minimize your role, 27:05 and see yourself as a valuable child of God. 27:09 Jeremiah chapter 1 and verse 5, God told Jeremiah, 27:14 "Before you were born in the mother's womb, 27:18 long before you were formed, I knew you and I have 27:23 a plan for your life. " 27:24 That means Jeremiah is special and that God 27:28 planned his life out. 27:29 The same is true for every one of you whether you are single, 27:33 widowed, married, or divorced. 27:35 You are special. 27:37 So singles, hold onto your integrity and your sense 27:40 of purpose and what God has done for you. 27:43 Because you are special. 27:45 Wait on the Lord and be of good courage 27:48 and He shall strengthen thine heart. 27:50 Yes, He says wait, wait on Him. 27:53 So as you live your life, live your life with joy 27:56 and with peace and with God's love flowing out. 27:59 You are special, special to God and special in this world. 28:02 Be good, be good to yourself. 28:05 God bless. |
Revised 2014-12-17