Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June.
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And together we want to
talk about what singles want
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married people to hear.
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Wow. That's an
interesting topic.
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It sounds like.
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You know, we have a lot of
singles in our churches today.
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Quite a lot.
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As a matter of fact,
based on the statistics
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we have more singles
than we have married people
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in the church.
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And I think one of the great
challenges is that our church is
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so family focused.
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And we have so many projects
and activities that are all
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geared towards the family
that, many times, single people
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feel pressured and they
sometimes feel displaced.
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And sometimes they feel the
programs that are being planned
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don't have them in mind.
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A good starting point would
be this text in the Bible in
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1 Corinthians 10 that
says, "Whether therefore ye eat
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or drink, or
whatsoever ye do, do all to the
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honor and glory of God. "
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And that's what we
would use as a starting point
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when we're talking to
singles and single families.
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We're saying, whatever
you do, do it to the honor
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and glory of God.
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Of course, there are some issues
that are affecting singles.
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And the one that I hear as
we travel around the world,
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the one that we
hear every so often is,
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"Why so few available men?"
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What would be your response
to a question like that?
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I think there are many
factors that would contribute
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to the void that exists
in eligible partners for
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our Christian single women.
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But I would think that one
main one is that a lot of our
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young men end up in
war or end up in the Army.
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Whether it is the Marines or
the Air Force, or where ever.
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And so...
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Now we're not saying that
war is, I mean, they're going
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into the Marines or into
the Air Force, or what have you,
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that it's bad.
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What we are saying is
that by virtue of going to war,
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we have lost a number
of our able bodied men that
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single women
could have to marry.
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That's the point we're making.
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So we believe our
soldiers have done a great job
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and they're doing a great job.
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We respect and we honor them.
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But the fact is clear
that, yes, we do lose a lot of
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able bodied men
as a result of war.
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And that would be one factor.
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Another sad reality is a lot of
our single men end up in jail.
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Wow, that is sad. That is sad.
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Our prisons are loaded with very
capable and wonderful young men
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whose lives were cut short
or whose lives were interrupted
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by criminal activities for
whatever the reasons are that
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got them into this and took them
out of the pool, as it were.
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You know, June,
maybe there's a young man
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listening to us right now
going down the wrong pathway.
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You're single, you're
young, you're energetic,
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you say you want fun.
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But the things you're
doing, the places you're going,
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it's the wrong type of fun and
the wrong type of activities,
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the things that you
find yourself involved.
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And I'm not afraid to say, for
example, if you're doing drugs
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sooner or later you're
going to end up in prison.
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So we want to appeal to the
young men, who at this point
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in their life, you're not taking
a positive control of your life
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and you're not
doing the right thing,
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you will join the statistic.
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There are too many
able bodied young men
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who are in prison that
should be out in society
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making a valuable contribution.
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Don't make that mistake.
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We might even add that
they should be in school,
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they should be in college,
they should be learning a trade,
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so they're getting ready
for the work force and hopefully
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to become a father
and a husband someday.
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So I'm hearing you
say, failure to improve
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is another variable why
there are so few available men.
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Many young men who leave
high school, although so many
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of them drop out of high
school, but many young men who
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leave high school are anxious
to get a job and probably to buy
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a fast car or to buy whatever
it is that they perceive to be
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their need rather
than going to college.
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And we have the reverse
happening with the women
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where most young
girls who finish high school
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are looking to get into college.
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And when we go to college
graduations, we see a typical
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graduation with fellows
and young women graduating
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and maybe one hundred
young men, if that many.
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That's a sad ratio.
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The ratio might not
be as bad as that, but...
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I tell you, in some places it's
probably almost all young women
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and very few, if any, young men.
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But it's a sad picture and
we really would like our men
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to hear us and to
understand what we are saying.
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We want you to improve yourself,
we want you to do well.
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Some of you are not.
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You're in school
and you're failing,
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you're making poor grades,
and it's not bothering you,
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it's not affecting
you, it's like it's okay.
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This mediocre type of mentality.
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And that's not good.
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It's not good for
you, it's not good society,
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and it's not good for the
young ladies who are progressive
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and are moving ahead in life.
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There is another problem.
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We say many young men are
later in coming on to their or
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developing an
interest in spiritual things.
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And that is something
that I have observed as an
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evangelist myself, and as
I go around the world and I
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have these evangelistic
campaigns, I notice that
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more women gravitate
towards the gospel than men.
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And what is happening
is we're having more ladies
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coming into the church
and we're having less men.
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I think as preachers, we have
to try to help turn this around.
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And by this I mean, preaching
sermons and building sermons
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that appeal to a male
population and not necessarily
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a kind of a female population.
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We have to make
a conscious effort.
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One of the things I have done,
and I have seen a lot of success
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in that, is that in
these evangelistic campaigns
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I have nights geared
towards the men and I call it
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Men's Night or
Young Men's Night.
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And I ask the wives and the
ladies to bring the men tonight
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and we're going to talk to them.
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And I talk to them about
some of these very same issues
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because I want to see
more men accepting the Lord.
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That's a very good idea.
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Now there is another factor.
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We could consider the
concept of fearing commitment.
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I speak to so many young
men who seem to be at the age
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at which they should be
in a serious relationship.
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And I would ask them,
"What's going on here?"
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And they would say,
"They're afraid to commit
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because it just
seems that once you commit,
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it's all downhill from there. "
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And it's just such a twisted
or, I think, a bad perception
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that many young men have.
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So if you see a
young woman that you admire
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and would make your potential
partner, who loves the Lord
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as much as you do and who is
progressive and ambitious and
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meets all the criteria you
have established for yourself,
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don't be afraid to commit.
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Tell her you love her
and move towards dating her.
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Make sure it is God's will
and God's plan for your life.
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Pray about it, but
yes, make the commitment
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rather than flirting forever.
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That's the point we're making.
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It's strange that we talk about
that because when you have,
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when organizations, religious
and faith based organizations,
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have what we call
retreats like women's retreat
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and men's convention,
you generally see a large
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percentage of women
going to the women's retreat
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and a small percentage of men
going to the men's convention.
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Just like we talked
about the graduation and the
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disparity
between male and female.
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Something is kind of radically
wrong with the male population
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in terms of going to
these events to self improve.
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Even someone who is married
sometimes has an aversion to
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going to a spiritual retreat
or a spiritual convention
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that would help to build them up
and strengthen their families.
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I think the same thing is
true for singles ministry.
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You have retreats or events that
are created just for singles
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and the reality is many
of these events are crowded
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with young women
and very few men.
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And when I talk to
the men, the men say,
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"Well, I'm not single.
I'm just not married yet. "
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Well, so why so few available
Christian men is one of the
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issues affecting women.
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Another one is, how do we
control our intimate urges?
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How do we control them?
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I like what Ellen White says.
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She says everyone
has to be guarded.
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They have to learn to
restrain their passion
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and control their principles.
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So restraining the passion,
controlling the principles
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that are there.
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I think that's one of the
number one challenges that
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single people have.
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Especially the single woman.
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As I've talked to them
going around the society,
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they will tell me,
"What am I suppose to do?
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I'm normal like
every other human being.
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I have my hormones
pumping into my bloodstream
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and I have sensual urges.
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What do I do?
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I don't have a boyfriend,
I don't have a husband,
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I'm not married.
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How do I do that?"
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So I think it's very pertinent
that we address this issue.
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And I like what the
Bible says when it admonishes
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guarding the
avenues of our soul.
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I think there are some things
that we expose ourselves to
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that make us more vulnerable.
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For example, if we
were to, as a single woman,
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look at and
observe sensuous material,
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you know, whether it is a
movie or a book that you read,
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that would, what you call, turn
you on or inflate the passion
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then you're going to be
in a very difficult place.
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So the Bible is instructing
you to reduce contact with those
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kinds of stimulations
so you don't get yourself
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into a tough place.
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Garbage in, garbage out.
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In other words, what
you put in is what you get.
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Isn't it part of the theory
of cognitive behavioral therapy;
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what you think, the way
you think about an issue is
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the way you feel about it.
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And so if you find
yourself thinking and meditating
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and dreaming over certain
things, you start feeling
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that way, it inflames
the passion and you move
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in the wrong direction.
00:11:44.64\00:11:45.68
So the places you go,
the friends you hang with,
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the things you talk
about, the things you read.
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The things even that you eat.
00:11:50.20\00:11:52.09
All those things contribute
to the capacity that you have
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to contain your passion.
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Well you know, there's a lot
of pressure that is out there
00:11:58.25\00:12:01.60
on singles, and sometimes they
become desperate as a result.
00:12:01.63\00:12:06.34
What do they do
with their desperation?
00:12:06.40\00:12:09.28
Or should a young lady
allow herself, or a young man
00:12:09.31\00:12:12.58
for that matter, allow
himself or herself to get to the
00:12:12.61\00:12:15.21
point of desperation?
00:12:15.24\00:12:16.47
I think that it is reasonable
to concede that a young person
00:12:16.50\00:12:21.86
might get to a certain age...
00:12:21.89\00:12:23.52
I've spoken to so many
young people and they tell me,
00:12:23.55\00:12:25.49
"Oh my biological
clock is ticking. "
00:12:25.50\00:12:27.44
And it simply means that
they're getting to an age where
00:12:27.47\00:12:30.64
they're in child bearing
age and they'd like to have a
00:12:30.67\00:12:33.23
child at some point,
but they don't want to have
00:12:33.26\00:12:35.25
the child out of wedlock.
00:12:35.28\00:12:36.26
And so they do experience
a sense of desperation.
00:12:36.29\00:12:39.00
But my counsel to them would
be, allow the Lord to lead them
00:12:39.03\00:12:42.88
and allow the Lord
to give them the things
00:12:42.91\00:12:46.12
or allow the experiences
in their life that He knows
00:12:46.15\00:12:48.80
will be best for them.
00:12:48.83\00:12:49.89
Unfortunately, some
people will not get married.
00:12:49.92\00:12:53.21
So take control of your
life, take control of yourself,
00:12:53.24\00:12:58.56
and let God guide you.
00:12:58.59\00:13:01.00
We have a lot of
things to talk about.
00:13:01.03\00:13:03.30
We're talking about what singles
want married people to hear.
00:13:03.33\00:13:07.73
And when we come back, we're
going to go right into that.
00:13:07.76\00:13:10.55
We're going to share with
you some of the things that
00:13:10.58\00:13:12.42
singles are saying, "We
want married people to hear. "
00:13:12.43\00:13:16.24
Don't go away. Stay with us.
00:13:16.27\00:13:18.38
Because you are going
to enjoy these things.
00:13:18.41\00:13:20.73
And not only that, we're
going to share some things also;
00:13:20.76\00:13:23.85
what do you do if
you're a single individual.
00:13:23.88\00:13:27.39
There are many
How To books available
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but there's one that's free
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"How You Can Build
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Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:06.30\00:14:09.63
My husband, Alanzo,
and I have been discussing
00:14:09.64\00:14:12.85
what singles want
married people to know.
00:14:12.86\00:14:17.67
And now we are going to
look at some of these issues.
00:14:19.06\00:14:22.67
The first one, singles
are saying stop pressuring
00:14:23.46\00:14:28.59
them to get married.
00:14:28.62\00:14:30.71
When you ask questions like,
"When are you getting married?"
00:14:30.74\00:14:34.92
or, "Aren't you married yet?"
00:14:34.95\00:14:37.76
These single people are
saying that's really putting
00:14:37.79\00:14:41.55
pressure on them.
00:14:41.58\00:14:43.31
If they were going to get
married, you would have heard.
00:14:43.34\00:14:46.48
So stop asking
them that question.
00:14:46.51\00:14:49.67
Is that fair?
00:14:49.68\00:14:50.69
I think that's a fair request.
00:14:50.72\00:14:52.73
It must be a very uncomfortable
thing for a young woman or man
00:14:52.76\00:14:56.46
who would like to get married
but isn't being pursued to
00:14:56.50\00:15:00.49
constantly have to answer, "When
are you going to get married?"
00:15:00.53\00:15:03.54
I think another concern that is
frequently identified is that,
00:15:03.57\00:15:08.46
single women, especially,
find that married men
00:15:08.56\00:15:13.67
tend to want to flirt with them.
00:15:13.70\00:15:15.97
And they're saying,
they're not available and
00:15:16.00\00:15:18.86
neither do they feel
respected when that happens.
00:15:18.89\00:15:21.48
And so they want
to say, "Stop it. "
00:15:21.51\00:15:24.31
Flirting.
00:15:24.34\00:15:26.45
It goes on every so often but it
doesn't mean that it is right.
00:15:26.48\00:15:32.08
And you have to understand
that there are singles out there
00:15:32.11\00:15:36.54
with their integrity, singles
who stand for values and strong
00:15:36.57\00:15:42.43
moral principles because they
have a strong moral character.
00:15:42.53\00:15:46.24
And sometimes, as
married men or married women,
00:15:46.27\00:15:48.99
we make some inappropriate
jokes, we pass some remarks,
00:15:49.02\00:15:53.88
we do some uncomfortable
touching that they don't like,
00:15:53.91\00:15:58.24
they don't appreciate.
00:15:58.27\00:15:59.55
And yes, they're saying
they really don't like it
00:15:59.58\00:16:02.74
and they would like you to
desist that kind of behavior.
00:16:02.77\00:16:05.94
So they're saying that they feel
vulnerable in the presence of
00:16:05.97\00:16:08.73
many married men.
00:16:08.76\00:16:10.02
And I don't think
it's only men that do these
00:16:10.05\00:16:14.23
inappropriate things.
00:16:14.26\00:16:15.25
I think sometimes
married women may also pursue
00:16:15.28\00:16:18.69
single men as well.
00:16:18.72\00:16:19.76
So it goes either way.
00:16:19.79\00:16:21.00
Sometimes you find that
they express their love to them
00:16:21.03\00:16:25.50
but in a joking way.
00:16:25.53\00:16:26.75
Like, "You know, you wouldn't
believe this but you're the
00:16:26.78\00:16:30.19
only one I love. "
00:16:30.22\00:16:31.50
It's not right.
00:16:32.07\00:16:33.67
They're saying it makes
them feel uncomfortable.
00:16:33.70\00:16:36.33
I am sure they're not expressing
their love to their spouse.
00:16:36.36\00:16:40.76
And that's what they need to do.
00:16:40.79\00:16:41.95
You need to go tell
your spouse that she's the
00:16:41.98\00:16:45.63
only one you love,
he's the only one you love.
00:16:45.66\00:16:48.09
And singles are saying,
"We really don't appreciate it.
00:16:48.12\00:16:51.30
We don't want you to be
expressing your love to us. "
00:16:51.33\00:16:54.10
Express it
appropriately to the individual
00:16:54.13\00:16:57.19
that you should
be expressing it to.
00:16:57.22\00:16:58.86
Unfortunately what
happens sometimes is that
00:16:58.89\00:17:02.45
married men often find single
women and they will tell them
00:17:02.48\00:17:08.87
that their marriage is a
mistake hoping to attract the
00:17:08.90\00:17:13.08
single woman to himself.
00:17:13.11\00:17:15.99
And that is so wrong.
00:17:16.02\00:17:17.97
Isn't it a form
of deceptive tactics?
00:17:18.00\00:17:20.77
It's like, "I
want to fool the woman.
00:17:20.80\00:17:26.01
I want her to feel that
she's so important to me,
00:17:26.04\00:17:28.82
she's so significant to me.
00:17:28.85\00:17:30.43
So I'm letting her know that,
you know, I made a mistake.
00:17:30.46\00:17:33.69
If you were around,
if I had seen you. "
00:17:33.72\00:17:37.65
And the funny thing
about it is that sometimes
00:17:37.68\00:17:40.84
they know these single
women prior to their marriage.
00:17:40.87\00:17:45.45
Yet, and they selected
the person they married,
00:17:45.46\00:17:49.15
but afterwards now they're going
back to them and they're saying,
00:17:49.18\00:17:51.85
"Oh I made a mistake.
00:17:51.88\00:17:53.27
You're the one I should
have married because really
00:17:53.30\00:17:55.66
you're the one I'm in
love with and I don't know why
00:17:55.67\00:17:57.79
I was so foolish. "
00:17:57.82\00:17:59.11
Should a woman be that gullible
or a man be that gullible
00:17:59.14\00:18:02.47
to accept those?
00:18:02.50\00:18:03.52
Unfortunately, some
are? But it shouldn't.
00:18:03.55\00:18:06.69
And we're saying,
don't allow it to even start.
00:18:06.72\00:18:10.47
If you're married, you need
to stay committed to your wife
00:18:10.50\00:18:13.53
or to your husband.
00:18:13.56\00:18:14.60
And nor should you
disrespect a single person.
00:18:14.63\00:18:17.99
You know, a woman who is single
or a young man who is single
00:18:18.02\00:18:22.01
are quite capable, if it
is God's will, to pursue and
00:18:22.04\00:18:26.56
find a person who they
will fall in love with.
00:18:26.59\00:18:29.39
But for a married man to try
to use them, or a married woman
00:18:29.40\00:18:32.07
to try to use them in that
regard, it's very disrespectful
00:18:32.10\00:18:34.74
to the single person.
00:18:34.75\00:18:35.92
But here the individual is
saying, "I made a mistake. "
00:18:36.22\00:18:40.45
Well, when we're forming
relationships, it is okay
00:18:40.48\00:18:45.29
to have friends.
00:18:45.32\00:18:46.66
And from that group of
friends, you're going to select
00:18:46.69\00:18:50.41
one to be your wife or husband.
00:18:50.44\00:18:53.97
And it is possible,
humanly speaking now,
00:18:54.89\00:18:58.41
it is possible that you
could have made a mistake.
00:18:58.44\00:19:00.90
That is to say, in terms of
chemistry and what have you,
00:19:00.93\00:19:03.63
you select "J" and not "A".
00:19:03.66\00:19:06.34
But what if
that is my situation?
00:19:06.35\00:19:10.60
What if I made the mistake
and I'm saying I made the
00:19:10.63\00:19:14.10
mistake and I
selected the wrong person?
00:19:14.14\00:19:15.96
In your case, you
didn't make the mistake.
00:19:15.99\00:19:17.71
Oh no, I know I
didn't make the mistake.
00:19:17.74\00:19:18.93
33 years of marriage. No, no.
00:19:18.96\00:19:20.63
We are cool, we are okay.
00:19:20.66\00:19:22.18
But what I'm saying is,
for the listener out there,
00:19:22.21\00:19:25.64
the man who is saying
or the woman who is saying,
00:19:25.67\00:19:27.73
"I made a mistake," and
is like crying and pleading
00:19:27.76\00:19:31.70
to this one now saying,
"It should have been you. "
00:19:31.73\00:19:33.93
Isn't it tough
luck whether or not...?
00:19:33.96\00:19:35.80
I would say to the single
person, if a married man tells
00:19:35.83\00:19:38.37
you that as a woman,
you need to say, "Too bad.
00:19:38.40\00:19:41.04
If you made a mistake,
you've got to live with it
00:19:41.07\00:19:43.94
because I am not available. "
00:19:43.97\00:19:45.63
Or if a single man is
told that, he needs to say
00:19:45.64\00:19:48.84
"Go respect your
husband and leave me alone. "
00:19:48.87\00:19:52.88
But sometimes, unfortunately,
the contrary is true.
00:19:52.91\00:19:57.57
It kind of restores some of the
pain that I experience because,
00:19:57.60\00:20:03.37
the pain of rejection,
because I was not accepted.
00:20:03.40\00:20:05.64
And so here's an opportunity
now to make up for my past loss.
00:20:05.67\00:20:10.55
Those are some of
the dynamics that result,
00:20:10.58\00:20:13.12
but it doesn't make it right.
00:20:13.15\00:20:14.90
So what the single person is
saying is that the best thing
00:20:14.91\00:20:18.12
is to stop telling us.
00:20:18.15\00:20:19.31
"We don't want to hear it.
00:20:19.34\00:20:20.49
If you made a mistake, too
bad. We don't want to hear it.
00:20:20.52\00:20:23.26
If you didn't make a mistake,
we still don't want to hear it.
00:20:23.30\00:20:25.64
Whatever it is, live with your
situation and leave us alone. "
00:20:25.65\00:20:29.07
One of the things that I want
to say to single people is that
00:20:29.10\00:20:31.46
singleness is not a disorder,
singleness is not a dysfunction.
00:20:31.49\00:20:35.69
It is okay if you
don't get married.
00:20:35.72\00:20:38.35
You can still have
a very productive and
00:20:38.38\00:20:41.42
positive experience.
00:20:41.45\00:20:43.00
Well, sometimes you find
that married men pressure
00:20:43.61\00:20:50.82
singles, and married
women pressure single men
00:20:50.85\00:20:55.03
to have intimacy with them.
00:20:55.06\00:20:57.06
Singles are saying, "Stop
pressuring us for intimacy. "
00:20:57.07\00:21:01.58
Because sometimes
they apply the pressure?
00:21:01.61\00:21:03.50
They apply it in so many ways.
00:21:03.53\00:21:05.41
When you know that someone
is vulnerable, you prey on them.
00:21:06.54\00:21:10.24
It tends to be
the human encounter.
00:21:10.27\00:21:12.26
And so yes, single women
and single men are vulnerable.
00:21:12.29\00:21:15.62
But they are saying
they don't want to be
00:21:15.65\00:21:18.34
pressured for intimacy.
00:21:18.37\00:21:19.70
Because they're not
willing to violate their values
00:21:19.73\00:21:23.99
nor to disappoint God.
00:21:24.02\00:21:25.86
Their bodies, they
recognize as His temple and
00:21:25.89\00:21:28.40
they want to keep it that way.
00:21:28.43\00:21:29.40
And if it's God's will
that they should get married,
00:21:29.43\00:21:31.14
then that will happen.
00:21:31.17\00:21:32.29
But yes, they want
to avoid doing that.
00:21:32.32\00:21:34.94
So keep the jokes clean.
00:21:34.97\00:21:36.16
Keep the jokes
clean, and no means no.
00:21:36.19\00:21:40.79
So when a man says to a
woman, "no," he means no.
00:21:40.80\00:21:45.73
So when a woman says
no to a man, she means no.
00:21:45.76\00:21:48.58
And they're to respect that.
00:21:48.61\00:21:49.82
No means no.
00:21:49.83\00:21:51.08
But there is a phrase
that goes around, and I'm sure
00:21:51.11\00:21:55.31
you have heard it,
where they say, "When a women
00:21:55.34\00:21:58.33
says no, she means yes. "
00:21:58.36\00:22:01.82
I've heard that every so often.
00:22:01.85\00:22:03.60
Elaborate on that for me.
00:22:03.63\00:22:04.79
Unfortunately, some
women do behave like that
00:22:04.82\00:22:08.81
and it gives a double message.
00:22:08.84\00:22:10.53
But a respectful woman, or
a woman who respects herself,
00:22:10.56\00:22:15.45
when she says no, she means no.
00:22:15.48\00:22:17.79
And so it's a myth to
think that if she were to send a
00:22:17.82\00:22:20.76
double message, the result would
be that you can still pursue.
00:22:20.79\00:22:24.64
A woman who says
no, she means no.
00:22:24.67\00:22:27.75
So, men and woman,
those if you who are married,
00:22:28.58\00:22:32.05
get the message clear.
00:22:32.08\00:22:33.83
Stop pressuring
singles for intimacy.
00:22:33.86\00:22:37.95
Now there are times when there
are problems in a marriage.
00:22:37.98\00:22:42.57
And what tends to happen
with some married people is
00:22:42.60\00:22:45.72
that they find a single person
who might be a good friend;
00:22:45.73\00:22:48.29
a co-worker, a person
at church, or wherever,
00:22:48.32\00:22:51.79
and they will relate
their marital problem
00:22:51.82\00:22:54.48
to the single person.
00:22:54.51\00:22:55.81
And that sometimes can be
a very difficult thing for a
00:22:55.82\00:22:59.35
single person to handle.
00:22:59.38\00:23:00.81
And that creates a
very vulnerable situation
00:23:00.82\00:23:03.72
for relationships to
develop between a married person
00:23:03.75\00:23:06.92
and a single person.
00:23:06.93\00:23:08.32
So singles are saying
they don't want to hear
00:23:08.35\00:23:10.60
your marital problems
because they're not counselors.
00:23:10.61\00:23:13.42
If you have a
problem with your marriage,
00:23:13.45\00:23:14.82
talk to your spiritual advisor
or your spiritual leader.
00:23:14.85\00:23:17.86
Talk to a
professional counselor.
00:23:17.89\00:23:19.40
Talk to somebody
who can help you.
00:23:19.43\00:23:20.91
But don't go relate the intimacy
of your life to somebody
00:23:20.94\00:23:24.84
who is not able to assist you.
00:23:24.87\00:23:26.97
I hear them saying also
that when you introduce them
00:23:27.00\00:23:31.36
to someone, leave it there.
00:23:31.39\00:23:35.51
Nothing is wrong in
introducing a potential suitor
00:23:35.54\00:23:40.20
to a single person.
00:23:40.23\00:23:41.61
But once you make the
introduction, leave it there.
00:23:41.64\00:23:44.35
They don't want to be pressured
into these many questions like,
00:23:44.36\00:23:47.64
"What's happening now. "
00:23:47.65\00:23:49.16
"You're too picky,
you're too choosy. "
00:23:49.17\00:23:51.62
"Why didn't you
take this person?"
00:23:51.65\00:23:53.72
And kind of putting a
guilt feeling on them.
00:23:53.75\00:23:57.10
Relationships are
complicated, at best, sometimes.
00:23:57.13\00:24:00.94
And individuals must be given
the freedom to make their choice
00:24:00.97\00:24:05.66
and undue pressure
should not be brought upon them.
00:24:05.69\00:24:09.12
So an introduction
should be an introduction.
00:24:09.15\00:24:11.15
And it's okay to
make the introduction.
00:24:11.18\00:24:13.42
They're not saying you should
not make the introduction,
00:24:13.45\00:24:15.44
they're saying after
you have done your part in
00:24:15.47\00:24:17.76
introducing someone,
leave it there and move on.
00:24:17.77\00:24:21.26
So in a sense, we're
saying that single people
00:24:21.29\00:24:23.97
will sometimes be in the
presence of a married person,
00:24:24.00\00:24:28.38
and they might
even request a service.
00:24:28.41\00:24:31.78
For example, you might need
your car tire to be changed or
00:24:31.82\00:24:35.54
something is happening in
your car and you're not sure
00:24:35.57\00:24:37.57
what it is, a young woman,
you might ask a married man
00:24:37.60\00:24:40.46
to look at your car and help you
diagnose what the problem is.
00:24:40.49\00:24:42.81
But whatever you ask for,
whatever help you ask for,
00:24:42.84\00:24:46.20
all you're doing is asking for
help to that specific problem.
00:24:46.23\00:24:50.26
You're not inviting this
person in for anything else.
00:24:50.29\00:24:53.85
No intimacy, not nothing.
00:24:53.88\00:24:55.72
So single women are saying,
or single people are saying,
00:24:55.75\00:24:58.91
"If we do have to
ask for your assistance,
00:24:58.94\00:25:02.25
that's all we need. "
00:25:02.28\00:25:03.77
No strings attached.
00:25:03.80\00:25:05.59
So if you come to fix
the faucet, fix the faucet
00:25:05.62\00:25:10.74
and go home.
00:25:10.77\00:25:11.81
"If we offer you a drink or
some food, eat it and go home. "
00:25:11.84\00:25:16.01
That's what
they're asking you to do.
00:25:16.04\00:25:17.63
In fact, I would even go
as far as to say, you know,
00:25:17.66\00:25:20.26
maybe single women,
especially, should avoid asking
00:25:20.29\00:25:23.28
favors of married men.
00:25:23.31\00:25:24.64
Because unfortunately,
some people are not able to
00:25:24.67\00:25:27.27
establish clear boundaries.
00:25:27.30\00:25:28.69
And therefore, don't put
yourself in a vulnerable place.
00:25:28.72\00:25:31.63
So be careful because there
are some good married men who
00:25:31.66\00:25:34.67
generally go and help
with no ulterior motives.
00:25:34.70\00:25:37.44
So just be careful,
that's the operative word here.
00:25:37.47\00:25:40.26
Be careful.
00:25:40.29\00:25:41.43
Now, singles, we need to
talk to you because you have to
00:25:41.46\00:25:45.30
love yourself and accept
yourself for who you are.
00:25:45.33\00:25:48.33
If you don't do that,
then you become vulnerable
00:25:48.36\00:25:51.70
to so many of these
things we're talking about.
00:25:51.71\00:25:53.71
So it begins with self
acceptance, self esteem.
00:25:53.72\00:25:57.15
Know who you are and
feel good about yourself.
00:25:57.18\00:26:00.50
Value your strengths.
00:26:00.53\00:26:02.21
Understand that you are
normal, you are healthy,
00:26:02.24\00:26:06.55
and if it is God's will for
you to change your status as a
00:26:06.58\00:26:09.39
single person, that will happen.
00:26:09.42\00:26:10.95
But if it doesn't happen, you
can live a very fulfilled life
00:26:10.98\00:26:14.95
like anyone else who is married.
00:26:14.98\00:26:17.09
Think positively.
00:26:17.12\00:26:18.25
It is important for you to
think good about yourself and
00:26:18.28\00:26:21.54
feel good about yourself.
00:26:21.57\00:26:22.87
And always be optimistic.
00:26:22.88\00:26:25.20
There are so many other
variables in life that you can
00:26:25.23\00:26:28.81
access and you can be healthy
and productive and strong.
00:26:28.84\00:26:31.87
And we have so many
who are doing just that and
00:26:31.90\00:26:34.03
we commend you, we applaud you.
00:26:34.06\00:26:35.60
We appreciate
what you are doing.
00:26:35.63\00:26:37.49
But there are others
who are falling apart.
00:26:37.52\00:26:39.23
There are others who are
not maintaining their God given
00:26:39.26\00:26:41.97
strength and integrity.
00:26:42.00\00:26:43.45
And you are the ones
we are reaching out to.
00:26:43.48\00:26:45.48
Sometimes you will
feel a little out of place.
00:26:45.51\00:26:47.74
You go to church and
the focus is on families.
00:26:47.77\00:26:50.01
Or you go to a banquet or a
wedding and you feel a little,
00:26:50.04\00:26:53.56
you know, out of place.
00:26:53.76\00:26:55.21
But go with your head held high
and feel good about yourself
00:26:55.24\00:26:59.10
because you have
a right to be there.
00:26:59.13\00:27:01.37
Discount criticisms or anything
that would minimize your role,
00:27:01.38\00:27:05.75
and see yourself as a
valuable child of God.
00:27:05.78\00:27:08.96
Jeremiah chapter 1 and
verse 5, God told Jeremiah,
00:27:09.76\00:27:14.95
"Before you were
born in the mother's womb,
00:27:14.98\00:27:18.70
long before you were
formed, I knew you and I have
00:27:18.73\00:27:23.25
a plan for your life. "
00:27:23.28\00:27:24.86
That means Jeremiah
is special and that God
00:27:24.87\00:27:28.31
planned his life out.
00:27:28.34\00:27:29.80
The same is true for every one
of you whether you are single,
00:27:29.83\00:27:33.85
widowed, married, or divorced.
00:27:33.88\00:27:35.84
You are special.
00:27:35.85\00:27:37.31
So singles, hold onto
your integrity and your sense
00:27:37.34\00:27:40.67
of purpose and what
God has done for you.
00:27:40.70\00:27:43.69
Because you are special.
00:27:43.72\00:27:45.03
Wait on the Lord
and be of good courage
00:27:45.06\00:27:48.34
and He shall
strengthen thine heart.
00:27:48.37\00:27:50.73
Yes, He says wait, wait on Him.
00:27:50.76\00:27:53.45
So as you live your
life, live your life with joy
00:27:53.48\00:27:56.53
and with peace and
with God's love flowing out.
00:27:56.56\00:27:59.37
You are special, special to
God and special in this world.
00:27:59.40\00:28:02.66
Be good, be good to yourself.
00:28:02.69\00:28:04.98
God bless.
00:28:05.01\00:28:06.32