Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith.
And my wife, June.
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We're both licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist
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and Mental Health Counselors.
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And we want to talk
today about defiance.
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It seems as if when historians
come to document our age,
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they're going to be forced
to call it an age of defiance.
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Unfortunately, it
begins real early.
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We don't just end
of with defiant adults.
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If we have children
who are disrespectful
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and who refuse to obey
rules and/or follow instruction,
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they're likely to grow up to be
adults who will defy authority,
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even God's authority.
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The level of defiance
these days is appalling.
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We see it in the home,
we see it in the school,
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and we see it in society.
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And the fact is, no one wins.
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Let's talk about the home;
defiance in the home and the
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level of parental involvement.
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Many times, we find
that children are growing up
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in homes where there's
very little supervision.
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Where parents leave parenting,
pretty much, up to the child.
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It's not unusual in some places,
especially in large cities,
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that parents work, and sometimes
not just one but two jobs.
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And believe it or not, children
are left to either be raised
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by the television or
by a neighbor checking in
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once in a while, etc.
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So you have children, a
large number of children,
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who are growing up
without adequate supervision.
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And these kids just don't
know how to respect rules,
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to live within
guidelines and limits.
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And so they defy any
authority that they perceive
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to be an imposition.
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I was flying on a
flight across the Atlantic
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and I was sitting
in the window seat.
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And to the aisle was a
father, and the middle seat
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was for his daughter.
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She was somewhere
between 4 to 5 years of age.
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Anyway, the plane started
taxiing out and the stewardess
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came and said to the gentleman,
"Could you please buckle your
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daughter up in her seat because
we're about to take off. "
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So he lifted up his
daughter and put her in the seat
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and she yelled out and
screamed, "I don't want to
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sit in the seat. "
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So he put her back in his lap.
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Well the stewardess passed and
said, "Sir, we are moving now.
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You have to put the
child in her seat. "
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He attempted a second time.
And believe me, it was worse.
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The child was
kicking and screaming.
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So he again put her
right back in his lap.
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Well the stewardess passed and
saw what was happening and said,
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"Sir, you have to do that now. "
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And the father looked at
the stewardess and he said
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something like this, "Would
you please talk to her for me
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because she won't listen to me?"
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And the stewardess said to the
girl, "Get out of your dad's lap
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and sit in that seat now. "
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And the little girl got
up and sat right in the seat
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without any question.
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So obviously, she
was not responding to
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her father's authority.
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And her father relinquished
his power when he asked
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the flight
attendant to intervene.
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Because what is going on
in that child's mind now?
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"Well I don't really
have to listen to my father. "
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She's saying, "My
father is afraid of me. "
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"My father is
intimidated by me. "
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We have to be careful
of the subtle messages
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we send to our children
when they are very small.
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Because later on in life
it plays out when you really
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want to talk to them
and they're not listening.
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You know, Alanzo, I think
children are sometimes blamed.
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But if a child was never
taught what is appropriate,
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the child won't know.
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It seems to me that
when children are socialized
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around individuals
who are poor role models,
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they adopt certain behaviors.
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And then the child sometimes
even then gets celebrated.
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You know, they do something
real precocious and the adults
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around them will
celebrate it and will act as if,
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"Wow, did you hear
what my 2 year old said?
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She's acting
like a 20 year old. "
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So now at two,
they celebrate her.
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She's reinforced that
it's something that the
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adults think is funny.
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But then when the same
child performs that behavior
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at 15 or 20, the
child gets punished.
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It's no longer funny.
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We have to go back to the Bible.
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It says, "Train up a
child in the way he should grow.
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And when he's old, he
will not depart from it. "
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Parents, you have to understand.
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You cannot love your child
so much that you are afraid
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to do the training.
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The training that is not done
during those golden tender years
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will later on have
negative effects and
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negative repercussions.
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So we're encouraging
you, we're admonishing you.
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Love has boundaries
and love has structure
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and love has limits.
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And to quote one
author, "Love must be tough. "
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So you have to administer
love with toughness in it.
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The Bible also talks
about honoring your parents;
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honoring your
mother and your father.
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It is not cool to
disrespect your parents.
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In fact, it is unacceptable
that a child would disrespect
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their parent.
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So I appeal to all
children and young people
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who might be
watching this discussion,
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that you know it is
your God given obligation
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to respect your
parents in the Lord.
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Because that's
what He expects of you.
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And have you noticed that the
age is getting lower and lower
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that parents are bringing them
into counseling for help now.
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We're not talking about 10
and 11 and 12 year olds now.
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We're talking about 6, 5, or 4.
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Parents are just throwing your
hands up in the air and saying,
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"I give up, I
just cannot manage.
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I just cannot handle it. "
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And we're saying you
have to start at an early age.
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Not at 3 or 4.
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If not, you're going to miss it.
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It is necessary that
we all take responsibility
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for raising children.
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But we must do it appropriately.
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You know in some cultures, we
use the term "spoiling a child,"
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simply meaning
very little supervision,
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we give into every
demand, and the child seems
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to have their way.
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In counseling, we say
the child is "parentified".
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The child
literally becomes the parent.
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We're talking about defiance.
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And we look at
defiance in the home.
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But it's not just the children
who are defiant in the home.
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Husbands are
defiant, wives are defiant.
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So how might a husband
display defiance in the family?
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And you wonder why is it that
children get defiant when they
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live around adults who
behave inappropriately.
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Now a husband could be
defiant if he totally disregards
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the rules of the home and acts
as if he's a law unto himself;
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he isn't
accountable to his family
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or especially to his wife.
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And the child,
obviously, will observe that.
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"I am a man, I do what I want.
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I don't need anyone
to tell me what to do.
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I go when I feel like,
I come in when I please.
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I don't have to explain to
anyone because I'm the man. "
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That's a defiant attitude
and it has negative consequences
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and negative repercussions.
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And if someone has to
be telling themselves that
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they're the man,
isn't there a problem there?
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Well I've had several incidents
where women call and they
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would say, "Dr. Smith, I really
have a problem in my marriage.
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I know we need help.
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I have asked my husband
time and time again to come in
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for counseling and he
refuses because he says,
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'What can they tell
me that I don't know?'
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Or, 'You have the
problem, you go for help. '"
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Or, "I don't need
anybody to tell me what
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to do about my problem,
how to run my problem. "
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That would be defiant.
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But we also have it
on the part of the wife.
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She can be defiant too.
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You know, it's like she could
be disrespectful to her husband.
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She could be the type of wife
who feels that she earns her
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own money and no one
should tell her what to do,
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she wants to do her own thing.
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Defiance is
manifested in that way as well.
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Now what are some
of the consequences?
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What happens when all
this rumbling and jumbling
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is going on in the home?
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Well you know, it's
going to spill out in a very
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negative way to the family.
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What's going to happen
is that you're going to find
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a lot of conflict erupting,
developing, in the family.
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Because if the father is defiant
or the wife is defiant or
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if the children are
defiant, may God help that home.
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So there will be a lot of
disrespect that is experienced
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by each other.
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The husband is going
to feel disrespected,
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the child feels disrespected.
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In fact, I think on some level
that the child becomes defiant
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because they feel disrespected.
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Their needs are not
being met on some level
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and so they think, "Well,
I'll just not obey the rules. "
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And this creates a
certain amount of insecurity.
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If you're living in a
family environment where
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the boundaries are blurred,
the respect is not there,
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and individuals are very
defiant, then you find that
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people don't find the
level of security that they need
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in a relationship.
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And children...
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If children are living
with their parents and they have
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defiant parents, the
children are insecure.
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And that leads to disharmony
and disunity in the home.
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And so the entire
family breaks down.
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And we could end up with a
situation where there's a lot of
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dysfunction; the children acting
inappropriately, the father
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acting inappropriately,
the mother acting.
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So the dynamics in that
family are in total chaos.
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You know, there are
certain causative factors that
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cause this kind of a breakdown
and defiance within the family.
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When there is no structure
or the boundaries are not clear,
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people become defiant,
they run over each other,
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and that creates
havoc in the relationship.
00:11:05.54\00:11:07.93
So we're saying there
needs to be very clear rules.
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There needs to be
very clear limits.
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And each member in
that family should know
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what those are.
00:11:15.80\00:11:16.92
And sometimes, young people,
the reason why you're so defiant
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to your parents is because
of your friends; peer pressure.
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I know of a young man
who his friends said to him,
00:11:23.40\00:11:26.40
"Oh you can't come because your
father isn't going to let you. "
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And he said, "No, I can come. "
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You know, he's trying to
show that he doesn't have to
00:11:31.92\00:11:34.34
listen to his parents.
00:11:34.37\00:11:35.35
So sometimes young
people, that defiant attitude
00:11:35.38\00:11:38.18
that you're displaying,
it is because you want to
00:11:38.21\00:11:41.50
prove to your friend that you
are strong, you are tough, etc.
00:11:41.53\00:11:45.44
But you're hurting yourself.
00:11:45.47\00:11:46.90
And unfortunately,
there's also social regression.
00:11:46.93\00:11:49.57
The society at large
seems to accommodate defiance.
00:11:49.60\00:11:53.47
And so it's almost like,
"Well, if I behave this way,
00:11:53.50\00:11:56.58
I won't be the odd ball out.
00:11:56.61\00:11:58.67
Because my
neighbor's, everyone I know
00:11:58.70\00:12:00.73
seems to behave like that. "
00:12:00.76\00:12:02.26
And so the child
thinks, this is norm.
00:12:02.29\00:12:04.75
You know June, as you said that,
I just thought of a concept of
00:12:04.78\00:12:11.13
alliance and coalition.
00:12:11.16\00:12:13.00
Because that is
one of the factors.
00:12:13.90\00:12:16.39
When one parent selects a
child; one that they love,
00:12:16.42\00:12:22.72
one that is special, they
think that is special to them,
00:12:22.75\00:12:25.80
and they form this
bonding, it can cause defiance
00:12:25.83\00:12:31.77
in the behavior
of the other child.
00:12:31.80\00:12:33.90
So that whatever the causative
factors are, it is real.
00:12:33.93\00:12:38.01
Defiance is reality in the home.
00:12:38.05\00:12:41.35
And children
suffer, society suffers,
00:12:41.38\00:12:44.96
the church
suffers, the schools suffer.
00:12:44.99\00:12:47.58
And when we come
back from our break,
00:12:47.61\00:12:49.22
we will talk about
defiance in the school
00:12:49.25\00:12:53.19
and defiance in the home.
00:12:53.22\00:12:55.30
And that's a big one.
00:12:55.33\00:12:56.33
Because, you know,
what's happening in the school
00:12:56.53\00:12:58.86
and in society at large,
we need to spend some time.
00:12:58.89\00:13:02.12
So we want you to come back.
00:13:02.15\00:13:04.04
As a matter of
fact, in our next session,
00:13:04.07\00:13:07.71
not only are we
going to highlight these,
00:13:07.74\00:13:09.87
but we're going to
show parents what to do.
00:13:09.88\00:13:12.74
And we're going to talk to you
children and you young people
00:13:12.77\00:13:15.78
and we're going to
help you to understand
00:13:15.81\00:13:17.64
how best to behave and to
relate to an issue or to relate
00:13:17.65\00:13:22.27
to a problem that you're having.
00:13:22.30\00:13:23.99
I'm excited
about the second half.
00:13:24.02\00:13:25.68
So we're saying
defiance is never a good thing.
00:13:25.71\00:13:28.25
Never ever a good
thing. Yea, that's right.
00:13:28.28\00:13:31.91
There are many
How To books available
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but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
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"How You Can
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00:13:44.85\00:13:48.79
easy to read manner for
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00:13:48.82\00:13:51.51
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Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:09.14\00:14:12.99
We have been
talking about defiance.
00:14:13.02\00:14:16.12
We have looked at
defiance in the home
00:14:16.13\00:14:18.86
and now we're going to
look at defiance in the school
00:14:18.89\00:14:22.47
and the society.
00:14:22.50\00:14:23.80
My wife, June, is with me.
00:14:23.83\00:14:26.03
June, talk to us about
defiance in the school.
00:14:26.06\00:14:29.68
You have worked with the
school system in trying to help
00:14:29.71\00:14:32.53
some of these defiant students.
00:14:32.56\00:14:34.71
What have you come upon
and share it with us here.
00:14:34.74\00:14:37.13
It is such a sad thing to
see teachers who are committed
00:14:37.53\00:14:42.05
to help children grow and
learn and become good citizens
00:14:42.06\00:14:45.93
and certainly good people.
00:14:45.96\00:14:47.98
But their job is challenged
because they have what
00:14:48.01\00:14:52.02
we consider defiant children.
00:14:52.05\00:14:54.51
As you rightly said, I
work with several schools in
00:14:54.54\00:14:57.21
New York City and we try to help
children adapt to understand
00:14:57.24\00:15:01.93
that they must obey rules
and follow the instructions.
00:15:01.94\00:15:05.48
But it is a work in progress.
00:15:05.51\00:15:08.11
There's a high level of lack of
respect for teachers these days.
00:15:08.69\00:15:14.82
I lift my hat off to
all those of you who are
00:15:14.85\00:15:19.19
teachers out there
because it's indeed a challenge.
00:15:19.22\00:15:22.75
I have taught school before
a couple of years myself and
00:15:22.78\00:15:26.23
when I did, times have changed.
00:15:26.26\00:15:29.05
You know, I was
talking to a 10 year old boy
00:15:29.08\00:15:32.80
and they had asked me to
help him with whatever was
00:15:32.83\00:15:36.27
going on with him.
00:15:36.30\00:15:37.47
And he sat in my office and
he looked at me and he said,
00:15:37.50\00:15:41.27
"Dr. Smith, you see me?
00:15:41.30\00:15:44.66
My teacher is afraid of me. "
00:15:44.69\00:15:47.44
So I said, "Why would
your teacher be afraid of you?"
00:15:47.47\00:15:49.86
And he said, "Well, my
teacher is afraid of me because
00:15:49.89\00:15:53.36
I told her that if she
should talk to me in a way that
00:15:53.39\00:15:58.08
I don't like it,
I will box her. "
00:15:58.11\00:16:01.02
So I wrinkled my brow
and I said, "Box her?"
00:16:01.05\00:16:04.03
He said, "Yes, I told
her clearly I will box her.
00:16:04.06\00:16:08.59
And I explained to her
that if when I box her and
00:16:08.62\00:16:11.91
she doesn't like it and
she goes home and she tells
00:16:11.94\00:16:14.32
her husband and he comes,"
this little 10 year old boy
00:16:14.35\00:16:17.82
said, "I will box him too. "
00:16:17.85\00:16:20.47
That's where we
have reached now.
00:16:20.50\00:16:23.44
Now in his mind, he thought
that was appropriate behavior.
00:16:23.47\00:16:27.23
And somewhere there, it
is telling me that this child
00:16:27.26\00:16:31.56
has problems.
00:16:31.59\00:16:32.75
Now teachers, principles,
and all school personnel
00:16:32.78\00:16:38.84
deal with this daily.
00:16:38.87\00:16:40.80
And yet, children are expected
to learn, perform, and pass.
00:16:40.83\00:16:47.11
My appeal to parents is, if
your child is considered defiant
00:16:47.90\00:16:52.79
and if your teacher is
complaining and bringing
00:16:52.82\00:16:55.33
to your attention that
this behavior is occurring,
00:16:55.36\00:16:58.32
that your duty and
responsibility is to go
00:16:58.35\00:17:02.07
into the school and to
investigate what is going on
00:17:02.10\00:17:05.28
and to get to the
source, to the bottom of it.
00:17:05.31\00:17:07.78
If you take the position
which many parents take,
00:17:07.81\00:17:11.63
which is to be defensive
and to try to encourage the
00:17:11.66\00:17:15.60
child's behavior, then
your child is going to be
00:17:15.63\00:17:18.62
worse off for it.
00:17:18.65\00:17:19.77
And the defiance is
being played out in many areas.
00:17:19.80\00:17:24.43
We see children not
doing their homework.
00:17:24.46\00:17:27.90
We see them doing a lot of
talking in class and being the
00:17:27.93\00:17:33.30
class clown, cracking a
joke so that the others laugh
00:17:33.33\00:17:36.61
and then they get serious.
00:17:36.62\00:17:38.49
We see children skipping or
cutting classes or turning up
00:17:38.52\00:17:43.32
late for their class.
00:17:43.35\00:17:45.66
And it just seems to be
getting worse and worse.
00:17:45.69\00:17:49.75
And here's what we need to
say to our families listening,
00:17:49.78\00:17:54.49
that it did not
start in the school.
00:17:54.50\00:17:58.77
Sometimes we blame the school
environment that they're in.
00:17:58.80\00:18:02.49
Sometimes we blame their friends
and sometimes even the teacher.
00:18:02.52\00:18:06.65
And to some
extent, you might be right.
00:18:06.68\00:18:08.48
But I'm saying,
parents, you have to go back
00:18:08.51\00:18:11.01
to the basic; the home.
00:18:11.04\00:18:12.52
Because as it says,
"Except the Lord build the home,
00:18:12.55\00:18:16.39
they labor in
vain that built it. "
00:18:16.42\00:18:18.50
And that's important.
00:18:18.53\00:18:19.68
You have to go back to the basic
of setting up a firm structure
00:18:19.71\00:18:24.46
within the home so that
the children will act better
00:18:24.49\00:18:29.54
when they're in
this school environment.
00:18:29.57\00:18:31.85
Now I think it is important
to understand that children
00:18:31.88\00:18:35.59
are not born defiant.
00:18:35.62\00:18:37.38
And that if a child comes
to school and is acting out,
00:18:37.41\00:18:41.06
as we call it, and seems to
be totally disrespectful and
00:18:41.09\00:18:45.22
disregarding all the school's
rules or of the supervision
00:18:45.25\00:18:48.11
of the teachers and
the adults in the building,
00:18:48.15\00:18:50.13
then something is wrong.
00:18:50.16\00:18:51.85
And usually it is
something very wrong.
00:18:51.88\00:18:55.52
So you're saying
it's a learned behavior?
00:18:55.55\00:18:57.79
I am saying that many
times what is happening is that
00:18:57.82\00:19:00.17
the child is wounded.
00:19:00.20\00:19:01.68
And it is possible that this
defiant child is merely reacting
00:19:01.71\00:19:06.09
to very sad
encounters, or trauma even,
00:19:06.12\00:19:10.67
that they have experienced.
00:19:10.70\00:19:11.90
So a child, for example,
who has experienced abuse,
00:19:11.93\00:19:15.87
whether it is
physical or sexual abuse,
00:19:15.90\00:19:18.62
they have very little power
over sometimes the perpetrator.
00:19:18.65\00:19:22.16
And so they usually
manifest their upset this way;
00:19:22.19\00:19:26.88
by defying, by reacting in
a very negative way and in a
00:19:26.91\00:19:31.02
defensive way in
order to protect themselves.
00:19:31.05\00:19:34.26
So I'm hearing you
saying that there are reasons,
00:19:34.29\00:19:38.21
whether it's biological,
psychological, emotional,
00:19:38.24\00:19:42.76
whatever, but there
are reasons at times
00:19:42.79\00:19:45.95
why some children are defiant.
00:19:45.96\00:19:48.92
For example, when a
child doesn't feel special,
00:19:48.93\00:19:52.77
doesn't feel
that they are special.
00:19:52.80\00:19:54.45
And that feeling could
start with their parents.
00:19:54.48\00:19:56.53
And where we spoke
about alliance and coalition,
00:19:56.56\00:19:59.89
because their sibling,
the parents treat them in a
00:19:59.92\00:20:03.54
special way and give
them more, and what have you,
00:20:03.57\00:20:06.25
and this child feels isolated
and so they develop this
00:20:06.28\00:20:09.38
defiant nature,
this defiant attitude.
00:20:09.41\00:20:11.73
So it's important for parents to
treat all their children equally
00:20:11.76\00:20:16.05
and to treat all special
no matter which one is doing
00:20:16.08\00:20:18.92
well in school, they all
should be treated special.
00:20:18.95\00:20:21.86
Now children are
basically wonderful individuals.
00:20:22.16\00:20:25.48
They are, I
consider them adorable.
00:20:25.49\00:20:28.52
There is nothing else
as joyful as being around
00:20:28.55\00:20:31.13
a group of happy children.
00:20:31.16\00:20:33.12
Their laughter
just invigorates you.
00:20:33.15\00:20:35.73
But when a child is
hurt, when a child is feeling
00:20:35.74\00:20:39.72
emotional pain, usually what
happens is they get defiant,
00:20:39.75\00:20:44.91
they resent their experience.
00:20:44.94\00:20:47.07
And so because they
can't find their own answers
00:20:47.10\00:20:50.64
and their own resolution
to their difficulties,
00:20:50.67\00:20:53.10
they act out in the
ways that we often see them.
00:20:53.13\00:20:56.14
So one of the things that
tends to happen when that occurs
00:20:56.17\00:20:59.33
is that the child experiences
what we consider deficiencies.
00:20:59.36\00:21:03.05
They have, whether it's
emotional or even cognitive,
00:21:03.08\00:21:07.79
they just don't perform
well because they're preoccupied
00:21:07.82\00:21:10.76
with their emotional pain.
00:21:10.79\00:21:12.33
And so they don't
follow up on their assignments,
00:21:12.36\00:21:14.18
they don't pay attention because
they simple can't concentrate.
00:21:14.19\00:21:17.34
A child that is being abused
or being molested sexually
00:21:17.37\00:21:22.78
is in a very
traumatic experience.
00:21:22.79\00:21:25.59
And often they have nowhere to
go because they don't think they
00:21:25.62\00:21:29.38
can or that they
will be believed.
00:21:29.41\00:21:31.49
And so they just
act out their rage.
00:21:31.52\00:21:33.88
So parents should
understand, based on what you're
00:21:33.91\00:21:37.43
telling us now, parents
should understand that there are
00:21:37.46\00:21:41.07
times when there are unresolved
issues with the child.
00:21:41.11\00:21:45.39
And the behavior that
you're getting at home and the
00:21:45.42\00:21:50.35
behavior you're getting
at school is not necessarily
00:21:50.38\00:21:53.90
that the child wants to
be defiant but that there are
00:21:53.91\00:21:57.77
some other issues that are going
on there, unresolved issues.
00:21:57.80\00:22:01.20
And maybe what the
parent needs to do is to see
00:22:01.23\00:22:03.64
how they might get
help for this child.
00:22:03.67\00:22:07.28
Therein lies the answer.
00:22:07.31\00:22:08.95
I think what tends to
happen is that most times we
00:22:08.98\00:22:11.68
come down hard on the
child and we punish the child.
00:22:11.71\00:22:15.60
Or label the child.
00:22:16.18\00:22:17.29
Or the child gets expelled
from school when the child is
00:22:17.32\00:22:20.05
really crying out for help.
00:22:20.08\00:22:21.99
That's how I perceive a defiant
child; as a cry for help.
00:22:22.02\00:22:25.40
Because again children
are usually lovely, wonderful,
00:22:25.43\00:22:29.35
happy, joyous people.
00:22:29.38\00:22:31.06
So when they are traumatized
and they think that this is
00:22:31.09\00:22:35.21
going to be their life
forever, then they act in very
00:22:35.24\00:22:38.69
disorganized ways.
00:22:38.72\00:22:40.83
Poor role models
play an important part,
00:22:41.41\00:22:46.13
even though it's a negative
one, in a child's defiance.
00:22:46.16\00:22:50.37
Because sometimes children see
something and they don't like
00:22:50.40\00:22:55.40
what they see.
00:22:55.43\00:22:56.48
Parents may think that
their child doesn't know
00:22:56.51\00:23:00.66
and may be doing
something in secret.
00:23:00.69\00:23:03.27
And that child
could discover it.
00:23:03.30\00:23:05.85
And because of that,
the child is acting out.
00:23:05.88\00:23:08.76
They want to tell the other
parent but they're afraid to,
00:23:08.79\00:23:12.39
maybe of the consequences,
whatever is going on.
00:23:12.42\00:23:14.99
And so they don't.
00:23:15.02\00:23:16.13
But dealing with
this, bottling it up inside,
00:23:16.16\00:23:19.54
keeping it can manifest itself
in other defiant behavior.
00:23:19.57\00:23:24.61
Realistically, while all this
is true, there's some children
00:23:24.64\00:23:29.34
who are just pert.
00:23:29.37\00:23:30.61
They just did not get the right
instruction, the right limits,
00:23:31.23\00:23:36.62
the right boundaries
were not established.
00:23:36.65\00:23:38.32
And so the child never
learned what is appropriate and
00:23:38.35\00:23:40.79
what is acceptable.
00:23:40.82\00:23:41.84
And so they just get
by with doing everything
00:23:41.87\00:23:44.66
that they want on demand.
00:23:44.70\00:23:46.50
Do you think that some
parents today are kind of afraid
00:23:46.53\00:23:52.43
of their children,
afraid to correct them?
00:23:52.46\00:23:56.98
Is it an Eli syndrome?
00:23:57.01\00:23:59.13
I think that some of that
is true, but I think the family
00:23:59.16\00:24:01.93
itself, the family form and
structure has been so eroded.
00:24:01.97\00:24:05.71
You know, the original nuclear
family, it very rarely exists.
00:24:05.74\00:24:09.57
So we have all different
kinds of family forms existing.
00:24:09.60\00:24:12.69
And what tends to happen
is because of these dynamics
00:24:12.72\00:24:15.52
that are occurring in our
families parents are sometimes
00:24:15.55\00:24:18.02
very guarded about how
they administer punishment
00:24:18.05\00:24:21.52
or set discipline.
00:24:21.55\00:24:22.82
Because they think; one,
the child is already hurting
00:24:22.85\00:24:25.27
because of the divorce
that occurred or because of the
00:24:25.30\00:24:27.39
problems in the relationship.
00:24:27.42\00:24:28.75
So they just allow most
of the behavior that could
00:24:28.78\00:24:31.99
be considered
dysfunctional to go by.
00:24:32.02\00:24:35.36
So if someone is listening
to us, and I know you are,
00:24:35.39\00:24:38.78
and you might find that
you have a defiant child
00:24:38.81\00:24:41.95
or a defiant home, and so you
might be asking this question,
00:24:41.98\00:24:45.21
"Well, what can we do?
00:24:45.24\00:24:47.57
My child is
defiant, what can we do?
00:24:47.58\00:24:50.33
Where do we start,
where do we go from here?"
00:24:50.36\00:24:52.58
Our first message
would be, start early.
00:24:53.98\00:24:56.62
And a mother might be
pregnant at this moment.
00:24:56.65\00:25:01.69
We're saying to
that mother, start early.
00:25:01.72\00:25:04.34
Do not wait until you see
the problem to try to get help.
00:25:04.37\00:25:07.95
Try to start very early.
00:25:07.98\00:25:11.54
You know, we often say
that everyone, before they
00:25:11.57\00:25:14.98
learn to drive or can
drive, they must get a license.
00:25:15.02\00:25:18.43
But yet so many people just
have children and they're not
00:25:18.46\00:25:21.72
capable of
parenting and appropriately
00:25:21.75\00:25:24.78
training their child.
00:25:24.81\00:25:25.93
And so unfortunately, many
children are brought into homes
00:25:25.96\00:25:28.84
where there isn't
adequate supervision.
00:25:28.87\00:25:30.66
So yes, parents, if you
do have children that you're
00:25:30.69\00:25:34.12
responsible for, you
really do need to start early
00:25:34.15\00:25:37.18
and to make sure they're guided.
00:25:37.19\00:25:38.52
Let me make sure
I'm hearing you clearly.
00:25:38.55\00:25:40.23
They must learn to drive
first before they get a license.
00:25:40.26\00:25:44.08
Right. Okay.
00:25:44.11\00:25:45.52
And then they go drive.
00:25:46.62\00:25:49.61
So parents must do some
training before they can expect
00:25:49.64\00:25:54.32
to have good children.
00:25:54.35\00:25:55.80
You can't just want
good children and you
00:25:55.83\00:25:57.93
don't do the training.
00:25:57.96\00:25:59.22
That's so important.
00:25:59.25\00:26:00.28
But don't you think also
that if there's a problem,
00:26:00.78\00:26:05.70
because sometimes
genuinely there's a problem,
00:26:05.73\00:26:07.94
if there's a problem
then they should genuinely
00:26:07.97\00:26:09.67
seek to get help?
00:26:09.70\00:26:10.78
They should.
00:26:10.81\00:26:11.92
But I think that when
you think about parenting,
00:26:11.95\00:26:13.73
you also have to put it
into perspective of the society.
00:26:13.76\00:26:15.89
Because I think we also
have so many breakdowns in our
00:26:15.92\00:26:19.30
social structure that it
spills over into our homes.
00:26:19.33\00:26:22.38
Look what's
happening in society.
00:26:22.41\00:26:23.97
If you have problems with
the home, it's spills over
00:26:24.00\00:26:26.73
into the church and it
spills over into the school
00:26:26.76\00:26:30.52
and then into
the society at large.
00:26:30.55\00:26:32.27
And look what's
happening in the society;
00:26:32.30\00:26:33.98
the drugs, the alcohol.
00:26:34.01\00:26:35.54
And all of these are
coming way back from the home.
00:26:35.57\00:26:39.35
Defiance is never
ever a good thing.
00:26:39.38\00:26:42.76
If it starts in the home,
try your best to do something
00:26:42.79\00:26:46.56
to quell it, to
put a check mark on it.
00:26:46.59\00:26:49.86
Defiance in the school is
also dangerous to the growth
00:26:49.89\00:26:53.42
and development of the child.
00:26:53.45\00:26:55.49
Because what's going to happen?
It spills out into the society.
00:26:55.52\00:26:58.84
In short, what's we're saying;
00:26:58.87\00:27:00.31
defiance is never
ever a good thing.
00:27:00.32\00:27:03.12
Do something about it.
00:27:03.15\00:27:04.59
The Bible speaks of a king,
Nebuchadnezzar to be exact,
00:27:04.62\00:27:08.89
who was very defiant.
00:27:08.90\00:27:10.69
And his grandson,
Belshazzar, was the same.
00:27:10.72\00:27:13.69
As a matter of fact, Belshazzar
gave the order to bring
00:27:13.72\00:27:16.17
in those golden vessels.
00:27:16.18\00:27:17.74
And he drank from them, which
he knew he should not have.
00:27:17.77\00:27:21.23
And as a result of his defiance,
God visited him in His wrath
00:27:21.26\00:27:25.34
and he lost his kingdom.
00:27:25.37\00:27:26.80
We must learn a
lesson from Belshazzar.
00:27:26.83\00:27:29.36
That is to say,
do not be defiant.
00:27:29.39\00:27:31.74
Do not be
defiant to your parents,
00:27:31.77\00:27:33.34
do not be
defiant to your spouse,
00:27:33.35\00:27:35.16
do not be
defiant to the society.
00:27:35.19\00:27:37.71
And most of all, do
not be defiant to your God.
00:27:37.74\00:27:41.45
Families can grow and
families can be strengthened,
00:27:41.48\00:27:44.63
but each of need
to be cooperative.
00:27:44.66\00:27:46.79
We need to work
together, love each other,
00:27:46.82\00:27:49.30
and care for each other.
00:27:49.33\00:27:51.18
May God bless
you and your family
00:27:51.21\00:27:52.86
as you grow
stronger and stronger.
00:27:52.89\00:27:56.27
Remember, marriage is
forever, by God's grace.
00:27:56.30\00:28:00.57