Participants: June Smith, Alanzo Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000067
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June Smith. 00:37 And we want to talk to you about dealing with 00:40 difficult family members. 00:43 You know, we have a lot of issues with our family members. 00:50 And every family has problems. 00:53 But there are some individuals that are just difficult 00:57 to get along with. 00:58 Most people in families will identify someone 01:02 that they have to be guarded around. 01:04 Someone who they've probably made several attempts 01:07 to work together with but they just find it difficult. 01:12 So yes, it is really important for us to acknowledge 01:16 that sometimes the problem is really not with you; 01:19 it is with the difficult person. 01:21 So we could call them difficult people, 01:24 we could call them irrational people, 01:26 insensitive people, arrogant people. 01:29 Whatever we want to use to describe them, the fact is 01:32 they are just difficult to get along with. 01:35 And they make life unhappy, they make life miserable. 01:39 And sometimes it even affects your spiritual relationship. 01:43 Now is this just one type of person that we're talking about? 01:47 It's always this individual? 01:49 Or do we have a picture of different individuals? 01:53 A difficult person could be anyone. 01:55 It might be your own spouse. 01:56 It might be your own child. 01:59 It could even be an in-law, a neighbor, a co-worker. 02:04 Just people in general who find it real difficult 02:09 to get along with everyone. 02:11 Let's share with our listeners some of the things that we find 02:18 in these people that we are talking about. 02:21 One of them I would classify as backstabbing. 02:24 Backstabbing seems to go along in a lot of families. 02:28 Usually what tends to happen is when people are 02:31 what we call cowards. 02:33 There is something that is upsetting or frustrating 02:36 in the relationship, but rather than confront you and say, 02:39 "You know, this is what happens when you do this," 02:41 they would rather hurt you behind your back by saying 02:44 mean things about you. 02:46 So a backstabber is an individual who 02:50 in your presence they are okay, they are nice, 02:54 they are cordial, they talk with you. 02:57 But when your back is turned, as the name suggests, 03:01 that's when they get at you. 03:03 And sometimes it's just plain jealousy. 03:07 So that they envy your accomplishments or your 03:12 relationship with your child or with your spouse. 03:15 And they do everything to hurt you behind the scene. 03:19 Wouldn't you say backstabbing has some close correlation with 03:24 undermining, someone who undermines you? 03:26 We could almost call them cousins. 03:28 You know, when you undermine an individual, you real goal is 03:32 you present a cordial front and so you allow the person to think 03:36 that you are with them, but then behind the scenes 03:39 or sometimes even in front of them, they sabotage you. 03:43 They try to, you know it's almost like they want to be 03:46 politically correct but they don't follow through on what 03:48 they're committed to do to either make the relationship 03:51 work or to promote your interest. 03:53 So someone who is undermining you is an individual who could, 03:58 in front of you, are with you. 04:01 You're planning a program and they seem to suggest that 04:05 they're giving support, they're with you in this program, 04:07 their ideas, they go along with it. 04:10 And you have the feeling now that, okay, 04:12 this person is with me, but as soon as your back is turned 04:16 or when they're not in your presence they would tear 04:18 the program down, they would criticize it, 04:20 they would destroy it. 04:21 That's an underminer. 04:23 And sometimes they do it directly in front of you. 04:25 They will undermine what you're trying to promote 04:29 or what you're trying to accomplish in your family 04:31 or they just don't cooperate in the relationship with you. 04:37 An instigator, an individual who tries to stir up trouble; 04:45 an instigator. 04:47 And you have these in families. 04:48 Not just families, but in the church and in every level 04:52 and other areas of society. 04:54 But an instigator is an individual who just 04:56 tries to find things to create problems in the relationship. 05:02 It is said that misery likes company. 05:05 And sometimes what instigators do is they form alliances. 05:08 They find somebody else in the family who they 05:12 can be agreeable with and they form a team. 05:15 But your goal is to cause problems in the family. 05:19 And so the slightest thing that is said that could be hurtful, 05:22 whereas other family members might overlook it 05:25 or even forgive it, the instigator will try to 05:28 show why this is a problem and why this should be said 05:31 and why you need to be upset. 05:33 How could you leave this alone. 05:35 You know, they agitate. They agitate. 05:38 It's like they're not satisfied until... 05:41 In their mind, they say justice is done. 05:43 But it's not necessarily justice they're after, 05:45 it's just their personality. 05:46 They're kind of a narcissistic personality, if you will. 05:50 It's almost that they thrive in conflicts 05:53 except that there is drama. 05:56 That's what you would say. 05:57 Going back to your verse, misery likes company. 05:59 They just don't seem to be comfortable when things 06:03 are happy at harmonious. 06:05 And when you look into extended families, 06:09 sometimes you find that people don't like their in-laws 06:14 because they see their in-laws as an instigator; 06:17 always stirring up trouble, always bringing up something. 06:21 And I'm sure you listening to me there, you're saying, "Uh-huh. 06:26 I can identify with this. 06:28 I know this particular individual who 06:31 they just seem to be in the mix of things. " 06:33 If there's a problem, you can trace it back to this individual 06:36 who started it or did something to create that problem. 06:39 And usually it's not necessarily the in-laws fault. 06:42 It is usually the instigator's fault because they look for 06:46 reasons and things to justify their own emotional state. 06:51 And so they will be picky and they pick at every thing 06:54 that could create a problem in the relationship. 06:56 We have another type of difficult person to 07:01 get along with and we describe these as the snake in the grass. 07:06 The snake in the grass are the individuals who, 07:12 they hide and wait for their opportune moment 07:17 to strike at you. 07:19 I remember this story about an Indian Chief who 07:23 was hunting on top of a mountain. 07:25 And just as he was about to descend, he saw a rattlesnake. 07:28 And the rattlesnake said to him, "Indian chief, 07:31 could you please take me to the foot of the mountain? 07:34 I need to get there because I must be there 07:38 before the sun sets. " 07:39 The Indian Chief said, "No, I won't do that. 07:42 I know who you are and if I pick you up, 07:44 you're going to bite me. " 07:45 And he said, "No I would not do that. 07:46 Please, I need to get down. " 07:48 So the Indian Chief succumbed to the pressure and picked up 07:53 the rattlesnake, put it in his coat pocket, and 07:55 headed down to the foot of the mountain. 07:57 When he got there, he took the snake out, put it in the grass. 08:01 And just as he walked away, the snake turned and 08:04 pounced on him and bit him. 08:06 And he cried out, he said, "You promised, you promised. " 08:09 And the snake, as it slithered away in the grass said, 08:12 "You knew who I was before you picked me up. " 08:15 That's the behavior of a snake in the grass. 08:18 It's unfortunate when we have to encounter these 08:21 characters in our own families. 08:24 But they do exist. 08:25 People who look for opportune moments to hurt you. 08:29 And the idea is that they're unhappy themselves 08:35 and so they pass it on. 08:36 Do you know what I notice in this category of people, 08:40 difficult people that we're talking about? 08:42 They have a long memory. 08:44 They can remember things from what was done to them 08:48 or who it was done with, they have details. 08:51 And these individuals are not ready to forgive. 08:53 Do you notice that too? 08:55 Unfortunately, usually these are people who are 08:58 usually wounded, we call them. 09:00 And so they end up hurting others. 09:02 So we're talking about backstabbers, 09:06 we're talking about underminers, 09:08 we're talking about difficult people, instigators, 09:12 and we have mentioned the snake in the grass. 09:15 But there's another category of difficult people that 09:18 we should mention. 09:20 And that is the snitchers. 09:22 Snitchers are people who, as it suggests, snitch. 09:25 They don't keep secrets, they don't keep confidence. 09:29 And so what tends to happen is that they tell everything 09:33 that happens in the family. 09:34 Now there's some things in the family that happens 09:36 that are private. 09:37 And you really don't want to, you know, there are limits 09:39 and boundaries within your family. 09:40 And some things you don't say outside of what 09:42 the family boundaries are. 09:44 But snitchers are people who will gossip and will say 09:47 everything that happens. 09:48 And they just can't keep the confidence of family members. 09:51 I often share this Chinese proverb that I've heard. 09:55 It goes like this. 09:57 "He who listens to gossip is just as guilty 10:02 as the one who tells it. 10:04 Both should be hanged. 10:06 One by the ear and the other by the tongue. " 10:09 Now obviously, the first thing we want to back away 10:12 from; the notion. 10:13 We're not here describing physical abuse, I mean 10:16 subscribing to physical abuse or violence in any form. 10:20 But just the notion of what the proverb is saying... 10:23 Both are guilty. Yes. 10:25 Snitchers, they have their fault but they seem to have 10:30 an ear, an audience, somebody who is willing to listen. 10:34 Now my question to you, June, is; 10:36 Is there a difference between the one who likes to 10:39 tell the tale and the one who likes to listen to the tale? 10:42 I would say not really because if you're going to tell a tale 10:46 and you have no one to listen, you'll probably 10:47 stop telling the tale. 10:48 But if you have people to receive the gossip, 10:50 then you're likely to continue the behavior. 10:53 So both people need to desist from that behavior. 10:56 And the unfortunate thing is that sometimes what the person 11:01 is talking about is not the truth. 11:04 Or sometimes they don't get the full story. 11:06 They just hear something and rather than checking out 11:09 to see if the story is true, they run with it, 11:11 they're willing to tell. 11:13 Unfortunately, some of you listening to me are like that. 11:16 You share information without justifying the truthfulness 11:21 of it, the veracity of the story. 11:23 You only want to hear something and you don't check it out 11:26 and you're willing to spread it. 11:28 It is unfortunate and sad, but it is so true that 11:32 some people, if they hear good news, they don't share it. 11:36 If they hear bad news, they run with it. 11:40 Well as they often say, good news doesn't sell the paper. 11:43 So I think the same thing is true in families. 11:46 Rarely do you hear somebody calling and saying, 11:48 oh you know, this great thing happened. 11:50 It's usually, did you hear that so and so is 11:54 doing something wrong. 11:55 Unfortunately, it's a sin problem. 11:57 Here's another category. 11:58 Fanatics. 12:00 Now fanatics are difficult people to get along with. 12:05 Why is this so? 12:07 Because they're rigid in their thinking. 12:09 They're usually people who are stubborn and people who 12:12 see things in black and white. 12:15 There's no gray area. There's no compromise. 12:17 You either do it this way or it shouldn't be done. 12:21 And they make it real difficult to adapt and to be flexible 12:24 and to adjust. 12:26 So the Pharisees in Jesus' time would be a classic example 12:33 for this category of individuals. 12:36 The Sadducees, these are individuals who the way 12:40 they think and they way they perceive things... 12:43 And each one, mark you, each person has a 12:46 right to their thinking. 12:47 But what we're saying is that you should not impose 12:49 this upon someone. 12:50 So the way I see the world and the way I view the world, 12:54 I should not expect people to see through my lens. 12:57 And fanatics are like that. 12:59 If you don't see things the way they see it and perceive it 13:02 the way they perceive it, they become offended 13:05 and would make life miserable and difficult for you. 13:08 That's why we categorize them as difficult people. 13:11 Well we have been talking about difficult people 13:14 and we have a lot more to share with you. 13:16 As a matter of fact, what do you do with these individuals? 13:19 How do you live with them? 13:20 They're your family members, you can't discard them. 13:22 They are there. What do you do? 13:24 That's what we want to talk about when we come back. 13:26 So stay where you are, be with us. 13:28 We're going to talk about some interesting things. 13:37 There are many How To books available 13:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:43 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:45 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:49 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:52 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:55 and everyone in between. 13:56 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:10 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:13 We've been talking about difficult people. 14:16 And we looked at some of the ways in which they manifest. 14:19 We talked about backstabbers, and snitchers, and instigators. 14:24 And snake in the grass, and underminers, and all of these. 14:29 But it's one thing to highlight the difficult people, but 14:33 the question is what do you do with them. 14:36 And so what we want to look at is what we call 14:39 a Biblical approach. 14:40 We want to look at the Matthew 18 principle 14:43 because Matthew has given us some good steps to take 14:47 when trying to resolve a conflict or trying to work 14:51 with a difficult person. 14:52 The first thing that Matthew says is that we should 14:56 go directly to the individual and we should talk 14:59 with them, confront them. 15:01 Share with us this process, the benefit of going to the 15:06 individual one to one and trying to talk to them. 15:10 One of the things that we're trying to do when we do that 15:12 is to allow the person to understand that we're aware 15:17 of how their behavior is impacting the relationship 15:20 whether it is the marriage or the family dynamics in general. 15:23 Most people, or sometimes people tend to stay away from 15:28 talking about it and they just act upset or they withdraw 15:31 from the family circle. 15:33 But we are suggesting that we want to retain more families 15:37 and we want to keep the circle unbroken. 15:38 So when there's a difficult person that's creating 15:41 dissidence in the relationship, we want to confront it. 15:44 By confronting, should we go to them and we should... 15:49 What should be our attitude, what should be our posture? 15:52 How should we confront? 15:53 Because some people, by confronting, 15:55 may create a larger problem. 15:58 We don't want to escalate the problem, for sure. 16:00 But we do want to be non-threatening. 16:04 So the first thing I would suggest is that you say, 16:07 "Look, we've been having some problems in this relationship. 16:10 And I am interested in restoring harmony. 16:14 So I'd like to talk to you about how you're impacting me 16:17 or how your behavior is impacting the relationship. " 16:21 So the person doesn't feel attacked or need to defend. 16:25 So we shouldn't criticize and we should be very open 16:30 and we should be frank. 16:31 And it is hoped that by doing this in a most spiritual and 16:35 Godly way, this would help to resolve the problem 16:38 or help the difficult person to understand what he or she 16:41 is doing that is creating this dysfunctionality 16:44 in the marital family. 16:48 Unfortunately, you might go with a very calm approach 16:51 and you might be very willing to resolve the problem, 16:54 but the other person may not be necessarily 16:55 prepared to do that. 16:57 So what do you do? 16:58 Well, Matthew gives us the second step. 17:00 Matthew says that we should take two or three other persons 17:04 with us like witnesses to be there so as we talk with the 17:09 individual, we have some folks there. 17:11 Now the question I ask myself is why do we need to do this. 17:15 What's the redeem of the value? 17:19 I went one to one and I talked, I expressed myself, 17:23 I tried to be kind, I tried to be as Christ-like as 17:26 I could and the person wouldn't listen. 17:28 What's the point of taking two or three? 17:31 I think that sometimes it could be that, 17:33 one, you're making sure that you have a witness to the situation 17:37 and to the scenario so you couldn't be charged of 17:40 violating the person's boundaries or so. 17:44 But I also think that it allows for objectivity. 17:47 Because sometimes your perception might be off as well. 17:50 Even though you're dealing with a difficult person, 17:52 maybe the way you're perceiving the person 17:54 is your own view of how the person is interpreted. 17:58 So you're saying that it is possible that the response 18:01 the person gave me was quite an appropriate response. 18:05 But I just didn't take it the right way. 18:08 I didn't have the right approach. 18:09 And so someone standing there could say, 18:12 "Well you know, Alanzo, what they said was correct. 18:16 The way they responded was okay and maybe you need to 18:18 reexamine yourself. " 18:20 And that's important. 18:21 So that's what they can do. 18:23 So we break the big defenses down. 18:25 And having an objective person there to listen to both sides 18:29 of the story or of the situation is in a position to say, 18:32 "Okay, this is what I'm hearing. 18:34 This is what you said, this is what's going on. 18:37 Now what do you both want to do about it?" 18:40 Rather than having the person who you perceive as doing 18:43 something to you or to the relationship be on the defense. 18:47 So it creates the room for a healthier discussion. 18:51 Isn't that what we call triangulation? 18:53 Triangulating a problem when there's a conflict between you 18:57 and another individual. 18:59 Sometimes it's best to bring a third party, 19:02 an independent party. 19:03 Someone that you both respect and someone who will be 19:07 objective and won't take sides, won't be a bias person. 19:10 By bringing this third person in, it can help to bring about 19:15 a resolution. 19:16 And I think that's the goal. 19:18 The goal is when there's a challenge in the relationship 19:21 and you perceive that this is stemming from or contributed 19:26 by the behavior of a person who you perceive to be difficult 19:30 to get along with, that the goal is not so much to 19:33 embarrass, criticize, or confront this person 19:36 for your own, you know, to strike back at the person. 19:42 But that the goal is to resolve the conflict in the family. 19:45 And you know, June, as you said that 19:48 I can't help but ask myself a question. 19:53 What if? 19:54 What if you have gone through step one and the 19:57 person did not change, it didn't help? 20:01 You went through step two and still the problem is there. 20:06 Matthew is giving us a third step. 20:08 Matthew is saying, well take it to the church. 20:11 And in this situation, Matthew is looking at a Christian family 20:15 committed and connected to a church. 20:17 Take it to the church and present the 20:19 matter to the church. 20:20 But Matthew says if they won't hear the church 20:23 then, you know, let them go. 20:25 They are cast away. 20:27 Now my question to you is, not all your family members 20:31 are religious and so you might not be able to take the 20:34 Matthew 18 principle to the third step. 20:38 Now, where do you go from here? 20:40 You try step one, you try step two, and nothing happens. 20:44 Where do you go from there? 20:46 I think even with the person in the family who is religious 20:50 that they may not necessarily adapt to the approach of 20:53 confronting them through the Matthew approach. 20:56 So I think one way that we might do it is directly, 21:01 practically addressing the concept of resolution 21:05 with the person underscoring that there is a problem 21:08 in our family and we need to work it through. 21:11 And so what I'm proposing is that you 21:13 start with "I" messages. 21:15 You say something like, "I need to resolve the conflict that I'm 21:22 experiencing, that I perceive as a result of your behavior. 21:26 And so I would like to talk about how 21:28 that is impacting me. " 21:29 "I get frustrated when you leave your shoe at the door 21:35 or when you tell my sister what I told you. " 21:37 I was just going to ask you to give me a practical example. 21:41 Let's say, let's personalize it here now. 21:43 And I'm not calling myself a difficult person. 21:47 Nor are you. 21:49 But let's say the conflict is with us. 21:51 How do you use "I" statements that I can hear you 21:57 and understand you, and at the same time don't feel 21:59 offended that you're attacking me? 22:00 My goal is, again, to underscore that I'm trying to resolve this. 22:05 So I would say, "Alanzo, I need to speak with you 22:09 about what I am feeling as a result of the way I 22:15 perceive your behavior. " 22:17 So you're not attacking me and you're not labeling me. 22:21 But at the same time, you're stating your frustration 22:25 and what the problem is. 22:27 So I'm saying, I feel frustrated. 22:29 I am in need of talking about this. 22:32 So I'm giving you an in, I'm inviting you in 22:35 to work with me on feeling better about what's going on. 22:40 So when dealing with difficult people, we should bring our 22:44 best self to the conversation and the discussion. 22:48 Do not allow a difficult person to take you downhill. 22:52 Don't go there with them. 22:53 Be at your best. 22:55 Know your principles, know what you're about, 22:58 and stand for those high values. 23:01 So the goal is to address the conflict, to address 23:05 the problem, the issue, not the person. 23:07 Now be aware that the difficult person is on guard 23:11 ready to strike. 23:13 So when you go toward them or attempt to confront them, 23:17 you have to be as gentle and as Christ-centered as possible. 23:23 So we cannot attempt to do this then without the presence of 23:28 the Holy Spirit in our heart and in our lives. 23:31 People are difficult and it's not easy to work with them 23:34 and to relate with them. 23:35 Now there must be some reasons though why people 23:40 get to this state. 23:41 There must be some reason why individuals, 23:43 you always have them. 23:44 It's not like they're not there. 23:46 They're ever present. 23:47 Why is this so? 23:48 There are a variety of reasons. 23:50 People are flawed. 23:52 We're all flawed. 23:54 People walk around with wounds. 23:56 So people get their wounds healed and carry their scars. 23:59 Others have the wounds that are hurting. 24:01 And when a person is hurting, they again seek to make 24:06 life uncomfortable for themselves 24:09 as well as for others. 24:10 One reason why these people end up being so hard to 24:13 get along with is they want attention. 24:17 And they will get it at any cost. 24:20 It doesn't matter who is hurting as a result. 24:22 Unfortunately. 24:23 Another reason is they have very little power 24:26 in the relationship. 24:27 And so they feel threatened, may times. 24:29 And so they will compete with the other member in the family 24:34 to get that power. 24:35 Or it could be that they feel inadequate. 24:38 They have a poor concept of themselves 24:41 and they will again make life extremely difficult 24:45 because they feel so inadequate. 24:47 But when a person is hurting and they want attention 24:50 and they're probably not getting it the way they want, 24:52 or they don't have the power they would like, 24:54 if they feel inadequate, they sometimes seek to revenge. 24:58 And they do that by hurting you or hurting others. 25:02 So actually what we are receiving now is the 25:06 revengeful part of their life. 25:09 They have gone through their pain, they've gone through 25:12 their hurt, and so their taking it out. 25:15 And do you know that sometimes they don't 25:17 quite understand that? 25:19 Sometimes these wounds are coming from childhood. 25:21 Now they're married and they have their own children. 25:23 And they have these emotions that are emitted that they don't 25:27 understand where it's coming from. 25:28 They may have been rejected, they could have been abused, 25:31 and so much could have happened to them. 25:33 And so now they're in a relationship and it 25:35 comes right out and is displaced on all these innocent 25:38 people in their family. 25:40 And it's not just the family that suffers. 25:42 Society suffers too because sometimes you see 25:45 people taking out their anger and taking out their rage 25:48 and their unfulfilled dreams and unmet dreams on society, 25:52 society at large. 25:53 So we are all at risk when we have these difficult people 25:56 and they're not helped. 25:58 Now we also should mention that you should not be afraid to 26:04 unmask a difficult person because sometimes they are 26:06 doing what they're doing under the cloak. 26:09 Sometimes they are hiding and they want to keep 26:11 in the background, but at the same time they're hurting. 26:14 But we should expose it. 26:15 Meaning we should confront it. Yes. 26:18 We should say, "Look, this is how I am perceiving 26:21 your behavior and I wonder if you're even aware of it. " 26:24 And if the person is aware of it, then you want to say, 26:27 "I need this to stop because we're in a relationship, 26:31 we want to live in harmony, and this behavior 26:35 is not acceptable. " 26:37 We all have had our difficulties. 26:40 For some of you, it's childhood difficulty. 26:44 For others, it's when you were growing up as a teenager 26:48 or at some point along the journey. 26:50 We have been hurt, we have war wounds. 26:53 And sometimes it renders us difficult. 26:56 We make life impossible for others. 26:59 We make people's marriages unhappy 27:02 and individual lives unhappy. 27:04 And it would be very good if you could take at this moment 27:08 an introspective look at yourself and ask yourself 27:11 "What am I doing to make someone else uncomfortable?" 27:15 Or better yet, "How can I change myself to be a better me, 27:21 to be a better person?" 27:22 And the answer lies in a relationship with Jesus Christ. 27:27 If you have been hurt, take it to the Lord in prayer. 27:30 And if you are hurting someone, you should also go to God and 27:34 ask Him for strength that you will be a better person. 27:39 We're living in a difficult world. 27:41 We see marriages are being destroyed every day. 27:44 And you should not contribute to the destruction of 27:47 an individual or an individual's marriage. 27:50 As a matter of fact, when you seek to destroy someone, 27:53 in essence you're destroying your own self. 27:56 Our encouragement to you today is go back to the word of God. 28:01 Our encouragement to you is to trust in God, 28:04 love Him, and serve Him. |
Revised 2014-12-17