Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June Smith.
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And we want to talk
to you about dealing with
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difficult family members.
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You know, we have a lot of
issues with our family members.
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And every family has problems.
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But there are some individuals
that are just difficult
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to get along with.
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Most people in
families will identify someone
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that they have to
be guarded around.
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Someone who they've
probably made several attempts
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to work together with but
they just find it difficult.
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So yes, it is really
important for us to acknowledge
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that sometimes the
problem is really not with you;
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it is with the difficult person.
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So we could call
them difficult people,
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we could call
them irrational people,
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insensitive
people, arrogant people.
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Whatever we want to use
to describe them, the fact is
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they are just
difficult to get along with.
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And they make life unhappy,
they make life miserable.
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And sometimes it even affects
your spiritual relationship.
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Now is this just one type of
person that we're talking about?
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It's always this individual?
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Or do we have a picture
of different individuals?
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A difficult
person could be anyone.
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It might be your own spouse.
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It might be your own child.
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It could even be an
in-law, a neighbor, a co-worker.
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Just people in general
who find it real difficult
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to get along with everyone.
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Let's share with our listeners
some of the things that we find
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in these people that
we are talking about.
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One of them I would
classify as backstabbing.
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Backstabbing seems to go
along in a lot of families.
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Usually what tends to
happen is when people are
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what we call cowards.
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There is something that
is upsetting or frustrating
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in the relationship, but rather
than confront you and say,
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"You know, this is what
happens when you do this,"
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they would rather hurt
you behind your back by saying
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mean things about you.
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So a backstabber
is an individual who
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in your presence they
are okay, they are nice,
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they are cordial,
they talk with you.
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But when your back is
turned, as the name suggests,
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that's when they get at you.
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And sometimes it's
just plain jealousy.
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So that they envy your
accomplishments or your
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relationship with your
child or with your spouse.
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And they do everything to
hurt you behind the scene.
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Wouldn't you say backstabbing
has some close correlation with
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undermining,
someone who undermines you?
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We could almost
call them cousins.
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You know, when you undermine
an individual, you real goal is
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you present a cordial front and
so you allow the person to think
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that you are with them,
but then behind the scenes
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or sometimes even in front
of them, they sabotage you.
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They try to, you know it's
almost like they want to be
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politically correct but they
don't follow through on what
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they're committed to do to
either make the relationship
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work or to
promote your interest.
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So someone who is undermining
you is an individual who could,
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in front of you, are with you.
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You're planning a program
and they seem to suggest that
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they're giving support, they're
with you in this program,
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their ideas,
they go along with it.
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And you have the
feeling now that, okay,
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this person is with me, but
as soon as your back is turned
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or when they're not in
your presence they would tear
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the program down,
they would criticize it,
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they would destroy it.
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That's an underminer.
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And sometimes they do it
directly in front of you.
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They will undermine
what you're trying to promote
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or what you're trying to
accomplish in your family
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or they just don't cooperate
in the relationship with you.
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An instigator, an individual
who tries to stir up trouble;
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an instigator.
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And you have these in families.
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Not just families, but in
the church and in every level
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and other areas of society.
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But an instigator is
an individual who just
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tries to find things to create
problems in the relationship.
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It is said that
misery likes company.
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And sometimes what instigators
do is they form alliances.
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They find somebody
else in the family who they
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can be agreeable
with and they form a team.
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But your goal is to
cause problems in the family.
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And so the slightest thing that
is said that could be hurtful,
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whereas other family
members might overlook it
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or even forgive it,
the instigator will try to
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show why this is a problem
and why this should be said
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and why you need to be upset.
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How could you leave this alone.
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You know, they
agitate. They agitate.
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It's like they're
not satisfied until...
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In their mind, they
say justice is done.
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But it's not necessarily
justice they're after,
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it's just their personality.
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They're kind of a narcissistic
personality, if you will.
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It's almost that
they thrive in conflicts
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except that there is drama.
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That's what you would say.
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Going back to your
verse, misery likes company.
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They just don't seem to
be comfortable when things
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are happy at harmonious.
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And when you look
into extended families,
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sometimes you find that
people don't like their in-laws
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because they see their
in-laws as an instigator;
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always stirring up trouble,
always bringing up something.
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And I'm sure you listening to me
there, you're saying, "Uh-huh.
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I can identify with this.
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I know this
particular individual who
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they just seem to be
in the mix of things. "
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If there's a problem, you can
trace it back to this individual
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who started it or did something
to create that problem.
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And usually it's not
necessarily the in-laws fault.
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It is usually the instigator's
fault because they look for
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reasons and things to justify
their own emotional state.
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And so they will be picky
and they pick at every thing
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that could create a
problem in the relationship.
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We have another type
of difficult person to
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get along with and we describe
these as the snake in the grass.
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The snake in the grass
are the individuals who,
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they hide and wait
for their opportune moment
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to strike at you.
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I remember this story
about an Indian Chief who
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was hunting on
top of a mountain.
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And just as he was about to
descend, he saw a rattlesnake.
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And the rattlesnake
said to him, "Indian chief,
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could you please take me
to the foot of the mountain?
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I need to get there
because I must be there
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before the sun sets. "
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The Indian Chief
said, "No, I won't do that.
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I know who you are
and if I pick you up,
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you're going to bite me. "
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And he said, "No
I would not do that.
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Please, I need to get down. "
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So the Indian Chief succumbed
to the pressure and picked up
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the rattlesnake, put
it in his coat pocket, and
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headed down to the
foot of the mountain.
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When he got there, he took the
snake out, put it in the grass.
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And just as he walked
away, the snake turned and
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pounced on him and bit him.
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And he cried out, he said,
"You promised, you promised. "
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And the snake, as it slithered
away in the grass said,
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"You knew who I was
before you picked me up. "
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That's the behavior
of a snake in the grass.
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It's unfortunate when
we have to encounter these
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characters in our own families.
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But they do exist.
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People who look for
opportune moments to hurt you.
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And the idea is that
they're unhappy themselves
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and so they pass it on.
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Do you know what I notice
in this category of people,
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difficult people
that we're talking about?
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They have a long memory.
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They can remember things
from what was done to them
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or who it was done
with, they have details.
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And these individuals
are not ready to forgive.
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Do you notice that too?
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Unfortunately, usually
these are people who are
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usually wounded, we call them.
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And so they end
up hurting others.
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So we're talking
about backstabbers,
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we're talking about underminers,
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we're talking about
difficult people, instigators,
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and we have mentioned
the snake in the grass.
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But there's another category
of difficult people that
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we should mention.
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And that is the snitchers.
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Snitchers are people
who, as it suggests, snitch.
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They don't keep secrets,
they don't keep confidence.
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And so what tends to happen
is that they tell everything
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that happens in the family.
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Now there's some things
in the family that happens
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that are private.
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And you really don't want
to, you know, there are limits
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and boundaries
within your family.
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And some things you
don't say outside of what
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the family boundaries are.
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But snitchers are people
who will gossip and will say
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everything that happens.
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And they just can't keep the
confidence of family members.
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I often share this
Chinese proverb that I've heard.
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It goes like this.
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"He who listens to
gossip is just as guilty
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as the one who tells it.
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Both should be hanged.
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One by the ear and
the other by the tongue. "
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Now obviously, the first
thing we want to back away
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from; the notion.
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We're not here describing
physical abuse, I mean
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subscribing to physical
abuse or violence in any form.
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But just the notion of
what the proverb is saying...
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Both are guilty. Yes.
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Snitchers, they have their
fault but they seem to have
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an ear, an audience, somebody
who is willing to listen.
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Now my question
to you, June, is;
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Is there a difference
between the one who likes to
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tell the tale and the one
who likes to listen to the tale?
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I would say not really because
if you're going to tell a tale
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and you have no one to
listen, you'll probably
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stop telling the tale.
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But if you have
people to receive the gossip,
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then you're likely to
continue the behavior.
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So both people need to
desist from that behavior.
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And the unfortunate thing is
that sometimes what the person
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is talking about
is not the truth.
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Or sometimes they
don't get the full story.
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They just hear something
and rather than checking out
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to see if the story is
true, they run with it,
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they're willing to tell.
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Unfortunately, some of you
listening to me are like that.
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You share information without
justifying the truthfulness
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of it, the
veracity of the story.
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You only want to hear something
and you don't check it out
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and you're willing to spread it.
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It is unfortunate and
sad, but it is so true that
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some people, if they hear
good news, they don't share it.
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If they hear bad
news, they run with it.
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Well as they often say, good
news doesn't sell the paper.
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So I think the same
thing is true in families.
00:11:43.26\00:11:46.10
Rarely do you hear
somebody calling and saying,
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oh you know, this
great thing happened.
00:11:48.82\00:11:50.87
It's usually, did you
hear that so and so is
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doing something wrong.
00:11:54.55\00:11:55.66
Unfortunately,
it's a sin problem.
00:11:55.69\00:11:57.48
Here's another category.
00:11:57.51\00:11:58.92
Fanatics.
00:11:58.95\00:12:00.49
Now fanatics are difficult
people to get along with.
00:12:00.52\00:12:05.69
Why is this so?
00:12:05.70\00:12:07.26
Because they're
rigid in their thinking.
00:12:07.29\00:12:09.27
They're usually people who
are stubborn and people who
00:12:09.30\00:12:12.81
see things in black and white.
00:12:12.84\00:12:15.13
There's no gray area.
There's no compromise.
00:12:15.16\00:12:17.76
You either do it this
way or it shouldn't be done.
00:12:17.79\00:12:20.97
And they make it real difficult
to adapt and to be flexible
00:12:21.00\00:12:24.87
and to adjust.
00:12:24.97\00:12:26.35
So the Pharisees in Jesus'
time would be a classic example
00:12:26.96\00:12:33.41
for this
category of individuals.
00:12:33.44\00:12:36.80
The Sadducees, these
are individuals who the way
00:12:36.83\00:12:40.72
they think and they
way they perceive things...
00:12:40.75\00:12:43.00
And each one, mark
you, each person has a
00:12:43.03\00:12:46.00
right to their thinking.
00:12:46.03\00:12:47.19
But what we're saying is
that you should not impose
00:12:47.22\00:12:49.83
this upon someone.
00:12:49.86\00:12:50.90
So the way I see the world
and the way I view the world,
00:12:50.93\00:12:54.20
I should not expect
people to see through my lens.
00:12:54.21\00:12:57.38
And fanatics are like that.
00:12:57.41\00:12:59.40
If you don't see things the
way they see it and perceive it
00:12:59.43\00:13:02.45
the way they perceive
it, they become offended
00:13:02.48\00:13:05.04
and would make life
miserable and difficult for you.
00:13:05.07\00:13:08.33
That's why we categorize
them as difficult people.
00:13:08.36\00:13:11.05
Well we have been
talking about difficult people
00:13:11.76\00:13:14.36
and we have a lot
more to share with you.
00:13:14.39\00:13:16.17
As a matter of fact, what do
you do with these individuals?
00:13:16.20\00:13:19.10
How do you live with them?
00:13:19.13\00:13:20.23
They're your family
members, you can't discard them.
00:13:20.26\00:13:22.61
They are there. What do you do?
00:13:22.64\00:13:24.38
That's what we want to
talk about when we come back.
00:13:24.41\00:13:26.83
So stay where
you are, be with us.
00:13:26.86\00:13:28.88
We're going to talk
about some interesting things.
00:13:28.91\00:13:31.14
There are many
How To books available
00:13:37.84\00:13:39.86
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:39.89\00:13:43.13
How You Can Build
A Better Marriage.
00:13:43.14\00:13:45.52
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:45.55\00:13:49.62
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
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Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:10.22\00:14:13.43
We've been talking
about difficult people.
00:14:13.46\00:14:16.48
And we looked at some of
the ways in which they manifest.
00:14:16.51\00:14:19.82
We talked about backstabbers,
and snitchers, and instigators.
00:14:19.85\00:14:24.41
And snake in the grass, and
underminers, and all of these.
00:14:24.44\00:14:29.56
But it's one thing to highlight
the difficult people, but
00:14:29.59\00:14:33.24
the question is
what do you do with them.
00:14:33.27\00:14:36.17
And so what we want to
look at is what we call
00:14:36.20\00:14:39.09
a Biblical approach.
00:14:39.12\00:14:40.49
We want to look at
the Matthew 18 principle
00:14:40.52\00:14:43.77
because Matthew has given
us some good steps to take
00:14:43.80\00:14:47.43
when trying to resolve a
conflict or trying to work
00:14:47.46\00:14:51.31
with a difficult person.
00:14:51.34\00:14:52.49
The first thing that
Matthew says is that we should
00:14:52.50\00:14:56.02
go directly to the
individual and we should talk
00:14:56.05\00:14:59.83
with them, confront them.
00:14:59.86\00:15:01.13
Share with us this process,
the benefit of going to the
00:15:01.16\00:15:06.80
individual one to one
and trying to talk to them.
00:15:06.83\00:15:10.39
One of the things that we're
trying to do when we do that
00:15:10.42\00:15:12.59
is to allow the person to
understand that we're aware
00:15:12.62\00:15:17.05
of how their behavior is
impacting the relationship
00:15:17.08\00:15:20.60
whether it is the marriage or
the family dynamics in general.
00:15:20.63\00:15:23.95
Most people, or sometimes
people tend to stay away from
00:15:23.98\00:15:28.15
talking about it and they
just act upset or they withdraw
00:15:28.18\00:15:31.68
from the family circle.
00:15:31.71\00:15:33.41
But we are suggesting that
we want to retain more families
00:15:33.44\00:15:37.09
and we want to keep
the circle unbroken.
00:15:37.12\00:15:38.93
So when there's a
difficult person that's creating
00:15:38.96\00:15:41.09
dissidence in the relationship,
we want to confront it.
00:15:41.12\00:15:43.82
By confronting, should we
go to them and we should...
00:15:44.27\00:15:49.51
What should be our attitude,
what should be our posture?
00:15:49.54\00:15:52.12
How should we confront?
00:15:52.15\00:15:53.23
Because some
people, by confronting,
00:15:53.26\00:15:55.52
may create a larger problem.
00:15:55.55\00:15:58.35
We don't want to
escalate the problem, for sure.
00:15:58.36\00:16:00.78
But we do want to
be non-threatening.
00:16:00.81\00:16:04.30
So the first thing I
would suggest is that you say,
00:16:04.33\00:16:07.34
"Look, we've been having some
problems in this relationship.
00:16:07.37\00:16:10.57
And I am interested
in restoring harmony.
00:16:10.58\00:16:14.33
So I'd like to talk to you
about how you're impacting me
00:16:14.36\00:16:17.74
or how your behavior is
impacting the relationship. "
00:16:17.77\00:16:21.26
So the person doesn't feel
attacked or need to defend.
00:16:21.29\00:16:25.35
So we shouldn't criticize
and we should be very open
00:16:25.38\00:16:30.10
and we should be frank.
00:16:30.13\00:16:31.89
And it is hoped that by doing
this in a most spiritual and
00:16:31.92\00:16:35.86
Godly way, this would
help to resolve the problem
00:16:35.89\00:16:38.74
or help the difficult person
to understand what he or she
00:16:38.77\00:16:41.79
is doing that is
creating this dysfunctionality
00:16:41.82\00:16:44.69
in the marital family.
00:16:44.70\00:16:47.45
Unfortunately, you might
go with a very calm approach
00:16:48.29\00:16:51.54
and you might be very
willing to resolve the problem,
00:16:51.57\00:16:54.40
but the other person
may not be necessarily
00:16:54.43\00:16:55.91
prepared to do that.
00:16:55.94\00:16:57.30
So what do you do?
00:16:57.33\00:16:58.55
Well, Matthew
gives us the second step.
00:16:58.58\00:17:00.56
Matthew says that we should
take two or three other persons
00:17:00.59\00:17:04.95
with us like witnesses to
be there so as we talk with the
00:17:04.98\00:17:09.74
individual, we
have some folks there.
00:17:09.77\00:17:11.94
Now the question I ask myself
is why do we need to do this.
00:17:11.97\00:17:15.62
What's the redeem of the value?
00:17:15.65\00:17:19.38
I went one to one and I
talked, I expressed myself,
00:17:19.41\00:17:23.08
I tried to be kind, I
tried to be as Christ-like as
00:17:23.11\00:17:26.88
I could and the
person wouldn't listen.
00:17:26.91\00:17:28.18
What's the point of
taking two or three?
00:17:28.21\00:17:30.50
I think that
sometimes it could be that,
00:17:31.18\00:17:33.50
one, you're making sure that you
have a witness to the situation
00:17:33.53\00:17:37.40
and to the scenario so
you couldn't be charged of
00:17:37.43\00:17:40.28
violating the
person's boundaries or so.
00:17:40.31\00:17:43.98
But I also think that
it allows for objectivity.
00:17:44.01\00:17:47.71
Because sometimes your
perception might be off as well.
00:17:47.74\00:17:50.50
Even though you're
dealing with a difficult person,
00:17:50.53\00:17:52.37
maybe the way you're
perceiving the person
00:17:52.40\00:17:54.50
is your own view of how
the person is interpreted.
00:17:54.53\00:17:57.98
So you're saying that it
is possible that the response
00:17:58.01\00:18:01.71
the person gave me was
quite an appropriate response.
00:18:01.74\00:18:05.04
But I just didn't
take it the right way.
00:18:05.07\00:18:08.01
I didn't have
the right approach.
00:18:08.04\00:18:09.58
And so someone
standing there could say,
00:18:09.61\00:18:12.31
"Well you know, Alanzo,
what they said was correct.
00:18:12.34\00:18:16.53
The way they responded
was okay and maybe you need to
00:18:16.56\00:18:18.81
reexamine yourself. "
00:18:18.82\00:18:20.14
And that's important.
00:18:20.17\00:18:21.62
So that's what they can do.
00:18:21.65\00:18:23.06
So we break the
big defenses down.
00:18:23.09\00:18:25.08
And having an objective person
there to listen to both sides
00:18:25.11\00:18:29.39
of the story or of the situation
is in a position to say,
00:18:29.42\00:18:32.90
"Okay, this is what I'm hearing.
00:18:32.93\00:18:34.85
This is what you said,
this is what's going on.
00:18:34.88\00:18:37.18
Now what do you both
want to do about it?"
00:18:37.21\00:18:40.10
Rather than having the
person who you perceive as doing
00:18:40.13\00:18:43.61
something to you or to the
relationship be on the defense.
00:18:43.64\00:18:47.24
So it creates the room
for a healthier discussion.
00:18:47.27\00:18:51.65
Isn't that what we
call triangulation?
00:18:51.68\00:18:53.89
Triangulating a problem when
there's a conflict between you
00:18:53.92\00:18:57.85
and another individual.
00:18:57.88\00:18:59.29
Sometimes it's best
to bring a third party,
00:18:59.32\00:19:02.82
an independent party.
00:19:02.85\00:19:03.94
Someone that you both
respect and someone who will be
00:19:03.97\00:19:07.38
objective and won't take
sides, won't be a bias person.
00:19:07.41\00:19:10.50
By bringing this third person
in, it can help to bring about
00:19:10.53\00:19:15.47
a resolution.
00:19:15.50\00:19:16.57
And I think that's the goal.
00:19:16.60\00:19:18.25
The goal is when there's a
challenge in the relationship
00:19:18.28\00:19:21.47
and you perceive that this
is stemming from or contributed
00:19:21.50\00:19:26.59
by the behavior of a person
who you perceive to be difficult
00:19:26.62\00:19:30.65
to get along with, that
the goal is not so much to
00:19:30.68\00:19:33.29
embarrass, criticize,
or confront this person
00:19:33.30\00:19:36.82
for your own, you know,
to strike back at the person.
00:19:36.85\00:19:42.08
But that the goal is to resolve
the conflict in the family.
00:19:42.11\00:19:45.50
And you know,
June, as you said that
00:19:45.53\00:19:48.79
I can't help but
ask myself a question.
00:19:48.82\00:19:53.09
What if?
00:19:53.12\00:19:54.17
What if you have gone
through step one and the
00:19:54.20\00:19:57.88
person did not
change, it didn't help?
00:19:57.91\00:20:01.47
You went through step two
and still the problem is there.
00:20:01.50\00:20:05.97
Matthew is
giving us a third step.
00:20:06.00\00:20:08.49
Matthew is saying,
well take it to the church.
00:20:08.52\00:20:11.52
And in this situation, Matthew
is looking at a Christian family
00:20:11.55\00:20:15.27
committed and
connected to a church.
00:20:15.30\00:20:17.43
Take it to the
church and present the
00:20:17.46\00:20:19.90
matter to the church.
00:20:19.93\00:20:20.94
But Matthew says if
they won't hear the church
00:20:20.97\00:20:23.84
then, you know, let them go.
00:20:23.87\00:20:25.73
They are cast away.
00:20:25.76\00:20:26.89
Now my question to you is,
not all your family members
00:20:27.17\00:20:31.52
are religious and so you
might not be able to take the
00:20:31.55\00:20:34.67
Matthew 18
principle to the third step.
00:20:34.70\00:20:38.16
Now, where do you go from here?
00:20:38.19\00:20:40.94
You try step one, you try
step two, and nothing happens.
00:20:40.97\00:20:44.43
Where do you go from there?
00:20:44.46\00:20:46.22
I think even with the person
in the family who is religious
00:20:46.43\00:20:50.29
that they may not necessarily
adapt to the approach of
00:20:50.32\00:20:53.87
confronting them
through the Matthew approach.
00:20:53.90\00:20:56.21
So I think one way that
we might do it is directly,
00:20:56.22\00:21:01.05
practically addressing
the concept of resolution
00:21:01.08\00:21:05.55
with the person underscoring
that there is a problem
00:21:05.59\00:21:08.63
in our family and we
need to work it through.
00:21:08.66\00:21:11.16
And so what I'm
proposing is that you
00:21:11.19\00:21:13.92
start with "I" messages.
00:21:13.95\00:21:15.82
You say something like, "I need
to resolve the conflict that I'm
00:21:15.83\00:21:22.05
experiencing, that I perceive
as a result of your behavior.
00:21:22.08\00:21:26.49
And so I would
like to talk about how
00:21:26.52\00:21:28.64
that is impacting me. "
00:21:28.67\00:21:29.81
"I get frustrated when you
leave your shoe at the door
00:21:29.84\00:21:35.07
or when you tell my
sister what I told you. "
00:21:35.10\00:21:37.77
I was just going to ask you
to give me a practical example.
00:21:37.80\00:21:41.07
Let's say, let's
personalize it here now.
00:21:41.10\00:21:43.96
And I'm not calling
myself a difficult person.
00:21:43.99\00:21:47.14
Nor are you.
00:21:47.17\00:21:49.06
But let's say the
conflict is with us.
00:21:49.09\00:21:51.56
How do you use "I"
statements that I can hear you
00:21:51.59\00:21:56.99
and understand you, and
at the same time don't feel
00:21:57.02\00:21:58.99
offended that
you're attacking me?
00:21:59.02\00:22:00.78
My goal is, again, to underscore
that I'm trying to resolve this.
00:22:00.81\00:22:05.08
So I would say, "Alanzo,
I need to speak with you
00:22:05.11\00:22:09.10
about what I am feeling
as a result of the way I
00:22:09.13\00:22:15.67
perceive your behavior. "
00:22:15.70\00:22:17.19
So you're not attacking me
and you're not labeling me.
00:22:17.22\00:22:21.66
But at the same time,
you're stating your frustration
00:22:21.69\00:22:25.73
and what the problem is.
00:22:25.76\00:22:27.30
So I'm saying,
I feel frustrated.
00:22:27.33\00:22:29.66
I am in need of
talking about this.
00:22:29.69\00:22:32.84
So I'm giving you an
in, I'm inviting you in
00:22:32.87\00:22:35.79
to work with me on feeling
better about what's going on.
00:22:35.82\00:22:39.64
So when dealing with difficult
people, we should bring our
00:22:40.45\00:22:44.77
best self to the
conversation and the discussion.
00:22:44.80\00:22:48.72
Do not allow a difficult
person to take you downhill.
00:22:48.73\00:22:52.12
Don't go there with them.
00:22:52.15\00:22:53.42
Be at your best.
00:22:53.45\00:22:55.41
Know your principles,
know what you're about,
00:22:55.44\00:22:58.15
and stand for those high values.
00:22:58.18\00:23:01.38
So the goal is to
address the conflict, to address
00:23:01.41\00:23:05.00
the problem, the
issue, not the person.
00:23:05.01\00:23:07.86
Now be aware that the
difficult person is on guard
00:23:07.89\00:23:11.43
ready to strike.
00:23:11.46\00:23:13.57
So when you go toward them
or attempt to confront them,
00:23:13.60\00:23:17.64
you have to be as gentle and
as Christ-centered as possible.
00:23:17.67\00:23:23.47
So we cannot attempt to do this
then without the presence of
00:23:23.50\00:23:28.62
the Holy Spirit in our
heart and in our lives.
00:23:28.65\00:23:31.60
People are difficult and
it's not easy to work with them
00:23:31.63\00:23:34.76
and to relate with them.
00:23:34.79\00:23:35.82
Now there must be some
reasons though why people
00:23:35.85\00:23:40.07
get to this state.
00:23:40.10\00:23:41.20
There must be some
reason why individuals,
00:23:41.23\00:23:43.33
you always have them.
00:23:43.36\00:23:44.79
It's not like they're not there.
00:23:44.82\00:23:46.23
They're ever present.
00:23:46.26\00:23:47.35
Why is this so?
00:23:47.38\00:23:48.70
There are a variety of reasons.
00:23:48.73\00:23:50.46
People are flawed.
00:23:50.49\00:23:52.91
We're all flawed.
00:23:52.94\00:23:54.28
People walk around with wounds.
00:23:54.31\00:23:56.37
So people get their wounds
healed and carry their scars.
00:23:56.40\00:23:59.54
Others have the
wounds that are hurting.
00:23:59.57\00:24:01.84
And when a person is
hurting, they again seek to make
00:24:01.87\00:24:06.88
life
uncomfortable for themselves
00:24:06.91\00:24:09.17
as well as for others.
00:24:09.20\00:24:10.22
One reason why these
people end up being so hard to
00:24:10.25\00:24:13.88
get along with is
they want attention.
00:24:13.91\00:24:16.77
And they will
get it at any cost.
00:24:17.20\00:24:19.97
It doesn't matter who
is hurting as a result.
00:24:20.00\00:24:22.75
Unfortunately.
00:24:22.79\00:24:23.94
Another reason is
they have very little power
00:24:23.97\00:24:26.35
in the relationship.
00:24:26.38\00:24:27.55
And so they feel
threatened, may times.
00:24:27.58\00:24:29.86
And so they will compete with
the other member in the family
00:24:29.87\00:24:33.98
to get that power.
00:24:33.99\00:24:35.63
Or it could be that
they feel inadequate.
00:24:35.66\00:24:38.67
They have a poor
concept of themselves
00:24:38.68\00:24:41.31
and they will again
make life extremely difficult
00:24:41.34\00:24:45.73
because they feel so inadequate.
00:24:45.76\00:24:47.85
But when a person is
hurting and they want attention
00:24:47.86\00:24:50.74
and they're probably not
getting it the way they want,
00:24:50.77\00:24:52.50
or they don't have
the power they would like,
00:24:52.53\00:24:54.71
if they feel inadequate,
they sometimes seek to revenge.
00:24:54.72\00:24:58.49
And they do that by
hurting you or hurting others.
00:24:58.52\00:25:02.38
So actually what we
are receiving now is the
00:25:02.41\00:25:06.26
revengeful part of their life.
00:25:06.29\00:25:09.36
They have gone through
their pain, they've gone through
00:25:09.39\00:25:12.84
their hurt, and so
their taking it out.
00:25:12.87\00:25:15.27
And do you know
that sometimes they don't
00:25:15.28\00:25:17.79
quite understand that?
00:25:17.82\00:25:18.98
Sometimes these wounds
are coming from childhood.
00:25:19.01\00:25:21.20
Now they're married and
they have their own children.
00:25:21.23\00:25:23.36
And they have these emotions
that are emitted that they don't
00:25:23.39\00:25:27.22
understand where
it's coming from.
00:25:27.25\00:25:28.69
They may have been rejected,
they could have been abused,
00:25:28.72\00:25:31.60
and so much could
have happened to them.
00:25:31.63\00:25:33.41
And so now they're
in a relationship and it
00:25:33.44\00:25:35.86
comes right out and is
displaced on all these innocent
00:25:35.89\00:25:38.86
people in their family.
00:25:38.89\00:25:40.08
And it's not just
the family that suffers.
00:25:40.09\00:25:42.40
Society suffers too
because sometimes you see
00:25:42.43\00:25:45.41
people taking out their
anger and taking out their rage
00:25:45.44\00:25:48.90
and their unfulfilled dreams
and unmet dreams on society,
00:25:48.93\00:25:52.22
society at large.
00:25:52.25\00:25:53.24
So we are all at risk when
we have these difficult people
00:25:53.27\00:25:56.30
and they're not helped.
00:25:56.31\00:25:58.60
Now we also should mention
that you should not be afraid to
00:25:58.63\00:26:04.12
unmask a difficult person
because sometimes they are
00:26:04.15\00:26:06.67
doing what they're
doing under the cloak.
00:26:06.70\00:26:09.15
Sometimes they are
hiding and they want to keep
00:26:09.18\00:26:11.29
in the background, but at
the same time they're hurting.
00:26:11.32\00:26:14.21
But we should expose it.
00:26:14.24\00:26:15.47
Meaning we
should confront it. Yes.
00:26:15.50\00:26:18.50
We should say, "Look,
this is how I am perceiving
00:26:18.54\00:26:21.42
your behavior and I wonder
if you're even aware of it. "
00:26:21.45\00:26:24.62
And if the person is aware
of it, then you want to say,
00:26:24.65\00:26:27.29
"I need this to stop
because we're in a relationship,
00:26:27.32\00:26:31.04
we want to live in
harmony, and this behavior
00:26:31.07\00:26:35.00
is not acceptable. "
00:26:35.03\00:26:36.64
We all have had
our difficulties.
00:26:37.07\00:26:40.55
For some of you,
it's childhood difficulty.
00:26:40.56\00:26:44.28
For others, it's when you
were growing up as a teenager
00:26:44.31\00:26:48.20
or at some point
along the journey.
00:26:48.23\00:26:50.58
We have been hurt,
we have war wounds.
00:26:50.61\00:26:53.00
And sometimes it
renders us difficult.
00:26:53.01\00:26:56.72
We make life
impossible for others.
00:26:56.75\00:26:59.39
We make people's
marriages unhappy
00:26:59.42\00:27:02.39
and individual lives unhappy.
00:27:02.42\00:27:04.48
And it would be very good if
you could take at this moment
00:27:04.51\00:27:08.28
an introspective look at
yourself and ask yourself
00:27:08.31\00:27:11.79
"What am I doing to make
someone else uncomfortable?"
00:27:11.82\00:27:15.90
Or better yet, "How can I
change myself to be a better me,
00:27:15.93\00:27:21.29
to be a better person?"
00:27:21.32\00:27:22.66
And the answer lies in a
relationship with Jesus Christ.
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If you have been hurt,
take it to the Lord in prayer.
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And if you are hurting someone,
you should also go to God and
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ask Him for strength that
you will be a better person.
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We're living in
a difficult world.
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We see marriages are
being destroyed every day.
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And you should not
contribute to the destruction of
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an individual or an
individual's marriage.
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As a matter of fact, when
you seek to destroy someone,
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in essence you're
destroying your own self.
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Our encouragement to you today
is go back to the word of God.
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Our encouragement to
you is to trust in God,
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love Him, and serve Him.
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