Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000066
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife June Smith. 00:36 And we just celebrated our anniversary. 00:41 After 33 years. 00:44 Alanzo is my lover and husband. 00:47 And he's the Family Life and Family Ministries director of 00:51 the greater New York conference of Seventh-day Adventists. 00:55 And June is a professor at Long Island University 00:59 and she also has a private practice. 01:02 We're here today to talk about adultery, 01:06 a family problem. 01:09 This is a growing family problem. 01:12 It is one of the saddest things that happens in families. 01:17 We have so many people who are having challenges 01:21 in their marriages simply because one partner 01:25 went and committed adultery. 01:28 So we are saying that adultery, for the most part, 01:34 just does not happen in a vacuum. 01:37 It is true that there are some relationships that they just 01:41 start like that, but often times there's a buildup, 01:44 a gradual creeping compromise that you make. 01:48 So we are saying that people don't always intentionally 01:51 go out to have what we call an affair 01:54 or a relationship outside of their marriage. 01:57 But there are things that begin to happen that we want to 02:01 point out as red flags. 02:02 So hopefully we will be more aware and protect and 02:07 put boundaries in our relationships. 02:10 Let's examine some of the conditions that lead to 02:13 an adulterous relationship. 02:15 For example, sharing things in common. 02:19 It seems to be the least threatening of all the 02:23 conditions that we can mention. 02:25 But we need to talk about it. 02:27 When you have mutual interests and you find that it is easy to 02:34 talk to an individual about those interests, you tend to 02:37 form a bond and you tend to develop an attachment that 02:42 allows you to feel comfortable in the presence of each other. 02:45 Common interests could be things like we share the same birthday, 02:49 we like the same sports team, we are of the same ethnicity, 02:56 we are maybe possibly the same religion. 03:00 There are things in common that we share and that causes us 03:03 to talk a lot on the lunch break, every time we have some 03:06 time together or we meet each other, there's something 03:09 in common that we can share. 03:11 And this tends to lead to a chemistry. 03:13 We begin to feel... 03:14 We let our guards down and we begin to feel 03:17 close to each other. 03:18 Now up to that point, it seems like just a very simple 03:21 innocent relationship. 03:22 I was about to ask you that because are we saying that 03:25 at that stage that an affair is happening here? 03:27 It's not necessarily yet an affair but it leads to or 03:30 could lead to an affair. 03:32 So we just want individuals to be aware that even in 03:35 forming friendships you want to establish very clear boundaries 03:39 when you are already married. 03:41 And you mentioned chemistry. 03:45 The chemistry is where you find individuals 03:49 are able to communicate a lot. 03:51 Communication process is smooth, they can talk, 03:54 they can share. 03:55 And in their lives, the bonding that is growing 03:59 and that is developing. 04:00 And what tends to happen at this point is that the individual, 04:04 or one individual is getting what we call 04:06 emotional needs being met. 04:08 So you start turning to this friend for emotional support 04:13 if you're having problems, if you're having difficulties. 04:17 It is easy now to relate to this person, it is easy to talk 04:21 to this person because there's this chemistry and 04:23 you have learned to share ideas and to share things in common. 04:26 And you begin to even notice when, you know... 04:29 Let us suppose this is a co-worker, or maybe a person 04:33 in your Sabbath school class, or somebody who is 04:36 in another relationship with you. 04:37 You noticeably begin to see that this person is absent 04:41 when they're not there. 04:43 It's not just another person outside of the office 04:45 or outside of church. 04:46 You begin to feel the absence of this person 04:49 in your relationship. 04:50 So we are talking about emotional emptiness. 04:55 When you have spend so much time talking and sharing, 05:01 innocently, things that happen at home, on the job, wherever, 05:06 and when this person is away on a vacation, whatever it is, 05:10 and you're not able to share, to talk, and you might not 05:12 have access to email or texting, you start missing this person, 05:17 you start feeling the absence. 05:18 And this could lead to; you're at home and you're not happy. 05:22 And your spouse might be saying, 05:24 "What's wrong? Is something wrong?" 05:25 And you say, "No, nothing is wrong. " 05:26 But something really is wrong because there's this 05:30 emotional emptiness. 05:31 So in your emotions and in your psyche, almost, 05:34 there's a noticeable bond that has occurred. 05:37 And all of a sudden, you become conscious that this person 05:40 means more than just a co-worker or just an acquaintance. 05:43 So we are going down what we consider a slippery slope. 05:47 And the danger of that is most people who begin to 05:52 establish a relationship with this person will now begin to 05:55 have a mental comparison. 05:57 We're talking about conditions that lead to adultery. 06:01 And one of them is this mental comparison that you make 06:08 between your spouse and this individual. 06:12 You find that you have spent so much time talking to 06:15 this person, so much time sharing, so much togetherness, 06:18 there is this synergy, there's this connection 06:21 that you have with this individual. 06:23 So in a subtle way now, you start comparing your spouse 06:31 with this person. 06:32 And guess what? 06:34 The person is coming out to be the better of the two. 06:38 And I think we would be right if we would say that the other 06:42 person that you're spending all this time with 06:44 and having this bonding and attachment with 06:46 is also going through the same experience 06:48 psychologically and emotionally. 06:49 And so both of you are becoming very conscious 06:52 that there is something special happening. 06:55 Yea, and we compare physical beauty. 07:00 All of a sudden, this person is more beautiful than your spouse. 07:03 You compare how they laugh, how they smile. 07:08 You start saying, "This person listens to me more. 07:11 This person understands me more. " 07:13 We rationalize things away and give ourselves 07:16 reasons for wanting to spend time with them and 07:19 reasons for wanting to talk with this individual. 07:22 Not understanding, however, that we're moving steadily 07:26 along this slippery slope. 07:28 The danger with that is, however, that when this 07:31 begins to happen, you don't have access to this person 07:36 as you openly should. 07:38 So you are likely to begin to be deceptive. 07:41 Precisely. 07:42 Deceit triggers in. 07:47 I have to hide, I have to be exclusive, 07:50 I have to develop passwords. 07:53 I have to do everything so that I can still find time 07:57 to spend time with this individual but I have to 08:01 hide it from my spouse. 08:03 And it's about that time that the other spouse, 08:06 the non-adulterous or the spouse who's not 08:10 engaging in an external relationship, 08:13 begins to notice something happening in the relationship, 08:16 in her marriage or his marriage. 08:17 And we want to say to our listeners listening to us, 08:21 if for any reason you find yourself at any of these stages 08:26 along the continuum, you ought to take an honest 08:29 introspective look at yourself and see where you're going 08:33 and say to yourself, "I have to check, I have to stop. " 08:37 See, if you step into the water, no matter how good a swimmer 08:43 you are, you will get wet. 08:46 So when you start stepping into these conditions, 08:51 start finding yourself at this stage, the chances are 08:55 you will be taken downstream. 08:57 So we're saying that in friendships, in relationships, 08:59 in meeting people, we will develop bonds and we will 09:03 develop some sense of attachment. 09:05 However, when you are married and you are investing in a 09:08 relationship, you ought to be cautious and you really 09:12 should be aware that these emotional attachments 09:14 could lead you into adulterous relationships. 09:18 Create boundaries. 09:19 So we want to create established limits. 09:21 That's important. 09:22 Create boundaries in relationships. 09:24 We're not in any way saying that you will not form friendships 09:27 or you should not form friendships. 09:29 But what we're saying, create boundaries. 09:31 And understand that if you don't, then they 09:33 lead to a slippery slope. 09:35 And we're saying that when you're in a marriage 09:36 you really shouldn't entertain individual friendships that are 09:40 exclusive of your marriage partner. 09:43 So if you have a friend that is not your wife's friend 09:46 or your husband's friend, then you ought to be aware 09:49 that this could lead you, if you're spending quality time 09:52 with this person and secret meetings with this person 09:55 and exchanging gifts and doing all these things, 09:58 that you could be heading in a difficult place. 10:02 Another condition that we would want to examine is 10:05 what we call the kinesthetic embrace. 10:08 It may start out with just a mild handshake 10:11 but then the handshake becomes prolonged, a little longer. 10:14 A squeeze, a hug. 10:16 And here we are having now physical contact. 10:20 Is there danger in this subtle physical contact? 10:24 Because the normal person looking on the outside 10:27 seeing you hugging this individual would not be 10:29 able to conclude anything. 10:31 But the synergy, the energy, what's going 10:32 on between both of you; both of you are communicating. 10:35 Is there danger here? 10:37 If you notice, it's a progression. 10:38 We started having mutual interest, then we started 10:41 developing a chemistry between each other. 10:42 And as we progress, we find that we were getting some 10:45 emotional benefit from this relationship. 10:47 And surely, if now you start getting physical, 10:51 it is likely to lead you into deeper bonds. 10:54 So yes, there is a danger. 10:56 Now is it possible that this could even happen in church? 10:59 Oh, it happens in church. It happens everywhere. 11:03 And we're asking individuals to be on guard. 11:06 We want people to be warm, we want people to be open, 11:09 we want people to be friendly. 11:11 We don't want you to be hostile and nobody 11:13 wants to come around you. 11:14 All we're asking is that you create boundaries. 11:18 You understand who your spouse is, who your friend is, 11:23 and there must be a marked difference between the 11:25 two in your relationship. 11:27 And of course, you want to think about... 11:28 We will go into the consequences and what happens as a result 11:31 of some of these relationships. 11:32 But if especially you have children in your relationship, 11:36 when you begin to take this journey towards establishing 11:39 external attachments and bonding, first think about 11:43 the impact it could have on your child. 11:46 Gift giving is another condition that pushes one along the way. 11:50 We start giving gifts. 11:51 We start with small gifts, inexpensive gifts. 11:55 And then it mushrooms, it develops into 11:58 more expensive gifts. 12:00 And some of you are on the receiving end of these gifts. 12:04 And you have to have a conscience within yourself 12:07 to say, "I shouldn't take this gift. " 12:09 So now you start exchanging gifts, you're sending a 12:12 very clear message, "I like you," 12:14 "I'm interested in you," "I admire you," 12:17 "I need to be with you more frequently. " 12:20 And that leads to what we might conclude to be secret meetings. 12:24 Secret meetings are dangerous. 12:26 Secret meetings occur alone in a car, visiting at the office, 12:32 visiting at the home. 12:33 Secret meetings occur frequently and often. 12:37 But one has to be careful because in there lies the trap 12:42 for these secret meetings. 12:45 So we're talking about creeping compromises. 12:48 When you're in a marriage, when you're in a relationship 12:51 that you're totally committed to and truly committed to... 12:54 And we could conclude that you really shouldn't be 12:56 in a marriage if you're not committed to it. 12:58 Because marriage is about commitment. 13:00 We actually made a commitment when we got married. 13:03 So when you're in a marriage and you have a commitment, 13:06 you don't want to do anything that would 13:07 compromise that relationship. 13:09 So the final step in this progression is this 13:12 creeping compromise where you talk about, you rationalize, 13:16 you justify your behavior, you give reasons. 13:19 And as a result of this you find yourself doing things and 13:23 going places you should not go and you should not do. 13:27 So we are saying, we're agreeing that these are some things 13:31 that we shouldn't do that leads to the adultery. 13:34 We are going to take a break but we will come back 13:37 and pick up to talk about the consequences 13:40 and remedy for adultery. 13:50 There are many How To books available 13:52 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple, 13:55 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:57 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 14:02 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 14:04 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 14:07 and everyone in between. 14:09 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:23 Welcome back. 14:24 We have been talking about adultery, a family problem. 14:28 And we have shared with you some conditions 14:31 that lead to adultery. 14:33 Conditions like... 14:35 We say adultery doesn't just always start 14:39 with an intention to hurt each other 14:42 or to hurt the other spouse. 14:43 But things like spending time together. 14:46 Things like building a chemistry in a relationship 14:50 that's just a casual friendship. 14:51 Meeting emotional needs. 14:54 Noticeable absence when the person is not there, 14:58 how you feel. 14:59 We talked about this mental comparison that you make 15:04 with your spouse and this friendship. 15:07 And Alanzo, I think that's almost like the 15:08 turning point, actually. 15:10 Because in ordinary friendships you have some chemistry, 15:14 you have common things in practice. 15:16 But you don't begin to compare and contrast your spouse 15:19 and begin to feel or give the edge to somebody else. 15:22 So when that begins to happen, you know 15:25 you're heading in the wrong direction. 15:28 The seeds are going to conceive because 15:29 you have to start hiding things now. 15:31 And we talk about this embrace. 15:34 We call it the kinesthetic embrace where you 15:37 want to touch, you want to hug, you want to kiss, 15:39 or caress the person which is another dangerous 15:42 area we're moving into. 15:43 So we conclude that we call these compromises, 15:46 creeping compromises, where gradually you start on a 15:49 sliding slope and eventually you end up in a full blown affair. 15:53 There are consequences though, serious consequences, 15:57 to an adulterous relationship. 16:00 What might be some of these consequences that 16:03 we would like to look in the eyes of our listeners and 16:06 talk to them about it and share with them. 16:08 I think one of the most painful is that the person who is 16:14 engaging in this adulterous relationship is likely to 16:18 lose his or her family. 16:20 So we have what we call divided homes 16:23 where now the other spouse who finds out about this affair 16:27 is likely to walk away from the marriage. 16:29 And you have a marriage, a family with two or three 16:33 kids, being split. 16:35 So divided loyalty leads to divided homes. 16:39 And that's a serious consequence you know, because we have to... 16:43 It's not just two people walking away. 16:45 The emotional consequence, the financial consequence. 16:48 But greatest of all, the impact on the children. 16:53 And the spiritual impact as well. 16:55 I have dealt with so many couples, so many individuals, 17:00 who have been either victims or perpetrators 17:03 in adulterous relationships. 17:04 I recall a woman who had called me one night and 17:07 she was actually suicidal because she found out 17:11 her spouse was having an adulterous relationship. 17:14 And thank God she had called a friend and told her about 17:17 the incident and her friend referred her for counseling. 17:20 So the pain, the sadness, the depression 17:24 that one experiences when they suddenly find themselves 17:27 in a situation where they have to make a choice between 17:30 staying married and leaving the marriage because the partner 17:33 committed adultery can be devastating for all. 17:38 I heard a son telling his dad that he did not 17:45 respect him anymore. 17:46 And the father was bewildered, he couldn't understand why. 17:50 And when he asked the son, the son said, 17:53 "You think I don't know what you're doing to mom? 17:55 I read everything on the computer. " 17:58 So he did not know that the son somehow found access 18:01 to his computer and was reading everything. 18:03 So here we find out a lack of trust that develops 18:09 in the life of the child towards the dad. 18:12 As you cite that experience, I recall the 18:14 story of a young girl. 18:16 She was fourteen years old doing very well 18:18 in school academically. 18:19 And her parents all of a sudden got her last report card 18:24 and realized she was failing. 18:25 And of course that caught their attention. 18:27 And they brought her in for counseling because they 18:29 couldn't get anything out of her. 18:30 She wouldn't talk, she was depressed, she was very sad. 18:34 And when I interviewed the young girl, she asked 18:37 the parents to leave the room. 18:38 And I said, "What's going on? 18:39 Let's talk about how I might be able to help you. " 18:42 She said, "My parents are such hypocrites. 18:44 My father doesn't know that I know he's 18:48 having an affair with another woman 18:50 and is cheating on my mother. " 18:52 And that's why this little girl was failing in school. 18:55 So sometimes... 18:57 They would have thought that the truancy they saw in the child; 19:00 the acting up and misbehavior, the child is defiant. 19:04 Not knowing that they themselves are, in this case he himself, 19:08 is the one that is causing all of this. 19:11 The father had no clue that his child was aware 19:13 of what was going on. 19:14 So yes, it has a devastating affect on the child. 19:17 And we should emphasize the spiritual component 19:21 to all of this because the family suffers spiritually, 19:27 but the church also suffers because sometimes these 19:30 individuals are prominent leaders and prominent members 19:33 within the congregation. 19:35 And that does affect the church at large. 19:38 The credibility of our gospel. 19:41 I think one of the things that tends to happen is that 19:43 young women who are engaging in an adulterous affair 19:49 with a married man, of course, although adultery occurs with 19:52 other married people, many times it compromises 19:55 the single woman or single male. 19:58 Because, think about it, when a married man approaches 20:01 a single woman and tries to engage her in a relationship, 20:05 what is he likely to offer her? 20:07 You know, sometimes they make promises, empty promises. 20:12 Promises that they are not able to fulfill. 20:15 But whether or not he's able to, or she's able to fulfill the 20:19 promise, the fact of the matter is, it is detriment to the 20:23 health of the marital relationship. 20:25 And not only that, society suffers as a whole 20:29 when you look at the social and the moral values in society. 20:33 You know, we're living in an age, this 21st century 20:36 in which we're living in, you look at the stars, the Hollywood 20:39 stars, the leaders, the professionals, 20:41 these individuals, and too many of them, 20:45 their families are falling apart. 20:46 There are too many figures that we hold in the society 20:50 as such that afterward it comes out there's an affair. 20:54 It's happening too often. 20:56 And our young people idolize these stars, 21:00 look to them, pattern them, et cetera. 21:04 And when this happens it affects them. 21:06 So we could say this behavior has almost become norm. 21:10 And so young people feel comfortable, or individuals, 21:13 almost feel comfortable going outside of their relationship. 21:16 Because they, quote, see significant and important 21:19 people who practice this kind of behavior. 21:21 But we are saying, by God's standards, that's not God's 21:25 intent for the family. 21:26 When we get married, we're saying we are married forever 21:29 and we want to be faithful and loyal to each other. 21:32 You know, June, the pressure and suicide and suicidal ideation 21:38 sometimes comes into play here. 21:41 There are individuals who it becomes so painful, 21:45 it becomes so hurtful; sleepless nights and sleepless days and 21:52 the crying, that sometimes they feel they just 21:55 want to end it all. 21:56 Sometimes they feel trapped and they feel like they've been 21:58 invested so much in the relationship. 22:00 But we're here to tell you that no matter what, 22:03 suicide is never an option. 22:05 Never ever. 22:06 And yes you will feel sad and you'll be very upset 22:09 that this has happened. 22:10 But by God's grace, you can have life after an affair. 22:13 And sometimes this comes to complicate the family; 22:17 when a child outside of the marriage is involved. 22:20 That creates a lot of complication. 22:23 Yes, that's probably one of the saddest things that happens. 22:26 Because a child who is born into a relationship 22:29 where the father is married to somebody else 22:32 really is likely to have very difficult problems. 22:38 And our listeners out there, I'm sure there are individuals 22:44 listening to us right now who can identify with exactly 22:48 what we are talking about. 22:50 Here it is, you want your marriage and you're doing 22:52 everything to keep the marriage, and all of a sudden you hear now 22:56 there is a child involved. 22:57 What should be the approach of, first of all, the offending 23:03 partner, the one who went outside and fathered 23:06 or mothered a child? 23:07 If that happens, I think it is important for them, 23:10 for the husband or the wife, to acknowledge that this happened 23:13 and to face it with the spouse. 23:16 And if the spouse is willing to forgive you and wants to stay 23:19 married with you, then you must be able to negotiate 23:22 with your spouse to take care of your child. 23:24 And we're talking about the attitude now. 23:27 It has to be with humility, a humble heart. 23:32 You can't just demand, "This is my child and 23:36 I have to take care of my child. " 23:37 No, that's not the attitude. 23:39 You have done something that is wrong 23:40 so you have to be humble, you have to ask for forgiveness. 23:43 You have to ask your spouse to help, to understand, 23:47 and work with you rather than demanding. 23:50 And I can understand how painful it must be for the 23:53 wife or husband to have to embrace this child. 23:55 But remember, the child is the innocent victim here. 23:58 The child had nothing to do with what went on between the adults. 24:02 And irresponsible people allowed this to happen. 24:05 So now, yes, the wife who's husband went out and 24:08 had an affair that yielded a child, think about this child. 24:12 And you really need to embrace this child and help to get 24:15 the support that the child needs. 24:17 We want to share with our listeners some remedies. 24:22 We have talked about the problem. 24:25 If someone is listening, so where do we go from here? 24:28 What do we do? 24:29 And the first thing we should say is, acknowledge 24:34 that there is a problem. 24:35 You have to acknowledge that there is a problem. 24:37 That's your starting point. 24:38 Because there can be no true healing, no true forgiveness, 24:42 if you're in denial. 24:43 And while you acknowledge that there is a problem, 24:46 you must be committed to quit the relationship. 24:49 You can't fix it if you continue in the same path. 24:53 And by quitting, we mean confronting the lover 24:57 and saying, "This is over. " 24:59 You have to end it, put a closure and a full stop. 25:03 Allow no possibility for continuation 25:06 of the relationship. 25:08 It reminds me of the way God relates to us. 25:10 When we sin, God is willing to forgive us. 25:13 But He says we must turn around 360 degrees. 25:16 So it is in an adulterous relationship. 25:18 In addition to this, we've got to encourage the 25:21 offending partner to apologize to the spouse, 25:25 to acknowledge that, "I hurt you and I wronged you. " 25:29 Be transparent. 25:32 Come clean. 25:34 Put everything on the table. 25:36 Work towards a resolution. 25:38 It makes no sense to have an attitude. 25:41 You have done something that is wrong, 25:43 you have violated the covenant marriage, 25:45 and you have violated the covenant of heaven. 25:47 Do your best to bring about a resolution. 25:50 The best thing is to keep your marriage intact. 25:54 And remember, you're going to have to work real hard 25:57 to restore trust; to get the spouse to trust that every time 26:02 you leave home, you are in a safe place. 26:06 And that will take some time. 26:07 To build back trust, it doesn't happen overnight. 26:11 It is something that you'll have to be patient with your 26:14 spouse on and work towards. 26:17 But yes, it can be done. 26:20 Through the grace of God, through the mercies of God. 26:22 It is not God's intention that individuals within families 26:28 should have an affair. 26:29 It was not God's intention. 26:30 When He says we should leave our father and mother and 26:33 cleave to our wife, cleave to our spouse, 26:36 cleave to our husband, this was God's intention in marriage 26:40 that we stay together. 26:41 And we should stay together. 26:44 So if there's a problem, if there was an affair 26:48 in the relationship, we are saying, let's acknowledge it, 26:50 let's turn away from it, and let's move forward to restore 26:53 trust in our original relationship. 26:57 The greatest remedy that we can share with you 27:00 is the remedy of making sure your spiritual reservoir 27:06 is replenished. 27:08 That is important. 27:10 You replenish it through reading the word of God, 27:13 and through prayer. 27:16 The psalmist says, "Thy word have I hid in my heart 27:19 that I might not sin against Thee. " 27:23 You need the word of God to give you strength. 27:26 Men like David and Sampson failed because their 27:30 spiritual reservoir was not filled up. 27:33 On the other hand, Joseph was able to overcome temptation 27:38 because he had a relationship with God 27:40 and his spiritual reservoir was filled up. 27:44 So we're encouraging you, acquaint yourself with God 27:46 and be at peace. 27:48 We're encouraging you to hide His word in your heart 27:51 so that you will not sin against Him. 27:53 Be strong, be faithful. 27:55 Enjoy your marriage and keep your home happy. 27:58 God bless. |
Revised 2014-12-17