Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife June Smith.
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And we just
celebrated our anniversary.
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After 33 years.
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Alanzo is my lover and husband.
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And he's the Family Life and
Family Ministries director of
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the greater New York conference
of Seventh-day Adventists.
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And June is a professor
at Long Island University
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and she also has
a private practice.
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We're here today to
talk about adultery,
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a family problem.
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This is a
growing family problem.
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It is one of the saddest
things that happens in families.
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We have so many people
who are having challenges
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in their marriages
simply because one partner
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went and committed adultery.
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So we are saying that
adultery, for the most part,
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just does not
happen in a vacuum.
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It is true that there are some
relationships that they just
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start like that, but
often times there's a buildup,
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a gradual creeping
compromise that you make.
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So we are saying that people
don't always intentionally
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go out to have
what we call an affair
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or a relationship
outside of their marriage.
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But there are things that
begin to happen that we want to
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point out as red flags.
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So hopefully we will be
more aware and protect and
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put boundaries in
our relationships.
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Let's examine some of
the conditions that lead to
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an adulterous relationship.
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For example,
sharing things in common.
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It seems to be the
least threatening of all the
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conditions that we can mention.
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But we need to talk about it.
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When you have mutual interests
and you find that it is easy to
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talk to an individual about
those interests, you tend to
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form a bond and you tend
to develop an attachment that
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allows you to feel comfortable
in the presence of each other.
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Common interests could be things
like we share the same birthday,
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we like the same sports team,
we are of the same ethnicity,
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we are maybe
possibly the same religion.
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There are things in common
that we share and that causes us
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to talk a lot on the lunch
break, every time we have some
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time together or we meet
each other, there's something
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in common that we can share.
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And this tends to
lead to a chemistry.
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We begin to feel...
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We let our guards
down and we begin to feel
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close to each other.
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Now up to that point, it
seems like just a very simple
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innocent relationship.
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I was about to ask you
that because are we saying that
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at that stage that an
affair is happening here?
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It's not necessarily yet
an affair but it leads to or
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could lead to an affair.
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So we just want individuals
to be aware that even in
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forming friendships you want to
establish very clear boundaries
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when you are already married.
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And you mentioned chemistry.
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The chemistry is
where you find individuals
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are able to communicate a lot.
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Communication process
is smooth, they can talk,
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they can share.
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And in their lives,
the bonding that is growing
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and that is developing.
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And what tends to happen at this
point is that the individual,
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or one individual
is getting what we call
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emotional needs being met.
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So you start turning to this
friend for emotional support
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if you're having problems,
if you're having difficulties.
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It is easy now to relate to
this person, it is easy to talk
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to this person because
there's this chemistry and
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you have learned to share ideas
and to share things in common.
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And you begin to even
notice when, you know...
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Let us suppose this is a
co-worker, or maybe a person
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in your Sabbath school
class, or somebody who is
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in another
relationship with you.
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You noticeably begin to
see that this person is absent
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when they're not there.
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It's not just another
person outside of the office
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or outside of church.
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You begin to feel the
absence of this person
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in your relationship.
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So we are talking
about emotional emptiness.
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When you have spend so
much time talking and sharing,
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innocently, things that happen
at home, on the job, wherever,
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and when this person is away
on a vacation, whatever it is,
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and you're not able to share,
to talk, and you might not
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have access to email or texting,
you start missing this person,
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you start feeling the absence.
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And this could lead to; you're
at home and you're not happy.
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And your spouse might be saying,
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"What's wrong?
Is something wrong?"
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And you say, "No,
nothing is wrong. "
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But something really is
wrong because there's this
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emotional emptiness.
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So in your emotions
and in your psyche, almost,
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there's a noticeable
bond that has occurred.
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And all of a sudden, you become
conscious that this person
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means more than just a co-worker
or just an acquaintance.
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So we are going down what
we consider a slippery slope.
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And the danger of that
is most people who begin to
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establish a relationship with
this person will now begin to
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have a mental comparison.
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We're talking about conditions
that lead to adultery.
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And one of them is this
mental comparison that you make
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between your spouse
and this individual.
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You find that you have
spent so much time talking to
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this person, so much time
sharing, so much togetherness,
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there is this synergy,
there's this connection
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that you have
with this individual.
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So in a subtle way now,
you start comparing your spouse
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with this person.
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And guess what?
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The person is coming out
to be the better of the two.
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And I think we would be right
if we would say that the other
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person that you're
spending all this time with
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and having this
bonding and attachment with
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is also going
through the same experience
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psychologically and emotionally.
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And so both of you are
becoming very conscious
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that there is
something special happening.
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Yea, and we
compare physical beauty.
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All of a sudden, this person is
more beautiful than your spouse.
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You compare how they
laugh, how they smile.
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You start saying, "This
person listens to me more.
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This person
understands me more. "
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We rationalize things
away and give ourselves
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reasons for wanting to
spend time with them and
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reasons for wanting to
talk with this individual.
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Not understanding, however,
that we're moving steadily
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along this slippery slope.
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The danger with that
is, however, that when this
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begins to happen, you
don't have access to this person
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as you openly should.
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So you are likely to
begin to be deceptive.
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Precisely.
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Deceit triggers in.
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I have to hide, I
have to be exclusive,
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I have to develop passwords.
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I have to do everything
so that I can still find time
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to spend time with this
individual but I have to
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hide it from my spouse.
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And it's about that
time that the other spouse,
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the non-adulterous
or the spouse who's not
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engaging in an
external relationship,
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begins to notice something
happening in the relationship,
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in her marriage or his marriage.
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And we want to say to our
listeners listening to us,
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if for any reason you find
yourself at any of these stages
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along the continuum,
you ought to take an honest
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introspective look at yourself
and see where you're going
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and say to yourself, "I
have to check, I have to stop. "
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See, if you step into the water,
no matter how good a swimmer
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you are, you will get wet.
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So when you start
stepping into these conditions,
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start finding yourself at
this stage, the chances are
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you will be taken downstream.
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So we're saying that in
friendships, in relationships,
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in meeting people, we
will develop bonds and we will
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develop some
sense of attachment.
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However, when you are married
and you are investing in a
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relationship, you ought
to be cautious and you really
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should be aware that
these emotional attachments
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could lead you into
adulterous relationships.
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Create boundaries.
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So we want to
create established limits.
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That's important.
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Create
boundaries in relationships.
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We're not in any way saying that
you will not form friendships
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or you should
not form friendships.
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But what we're
saying, create boundaries.
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And understand that
if you don't, then they
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lead to a slippery slope.
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And we're saying that
when you're in a marriage
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you really shouldn't entertain
individual friendships that are
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exclusive of
your marriage partner.
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So if you have a friend
that is not your wife's friend
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or your husband's friend,
then you ought to be aware
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that this could lead you,
if you're spending quality time
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with this person and
secret meetings with this person
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and exchanging gifts
and doing all these things,
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that you could be
heading in a difficult place.
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Another condition that
we would want to examine is
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what we call the
kinesthetic embrace.
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It may start out
with just a mild handshake
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but then the handshake becomes
prolonged, a little longer.
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A squeeze, a hug.
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And here we are
having now physical contact.
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Is there danger in this
subtle physical contact?
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Because the normal
person looking on the outside
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seeing you hugging
this individual would not be
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able to conclude anything.
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But the synergy,
the energy, what's going
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on between both of you;
both of you are communicating.
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Is there danger here?
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If you notice,
it's a progression.
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We started having mutual
interest, then we started
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developing a
chemistry between each other.
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And as we progress, we
find that we were getting some
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emotional benefit
from this relationship.
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And surely, if now you
start getting physical,
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it is likely to lead
you into deeper bonds.
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So yes, there is a danger.
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Now is it possible that this
could even happen in church?
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Oh, it happens in
church. It happens everywhere.
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And we're asking
individuals to be on guard.
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We want people to be
warm, we want people to be open,
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we want people to be friendly.
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We don't want you to
be hostile and nobody
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wants to come around you.
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All we're asking is
that you create boundaries.
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You understand who your
spouse is, who your friend is,
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and there must be a
marked difference between the
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two in your relationship.
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And of course, you
want to think about...
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We will go into the consequences
and what happens as a result
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of some of these relationships.
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But if especially you have
children in your relationship,
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when you begin to take this
journey towards establishing
00:11:36.24\00:11:39.94
external attachments and
bonding, first think about
00:11:39.97\00:11:42.97
the impact it
could have on your child.
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Gift giving is another condition
that pushes one along the way.
00:11:46.11\00:11:50.00
We start giving gifts.
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We start with small
gifts, inexpensive gifts.
00:11:51.89\00:11:55.07
And then it
mushrooms, it develops into
00:11:55.08\00:11:58.29
more expensive gifts.
00:11:58.32\00:12:00.12
And some of you are on the
receiving end of these gifts.
00:12:00.15\00:12:04.45
And you have to have a
conscience within yourself
00:12:04.48\00:12:07.38
to say, "I
shouldn't take this gift. "
00:12:07.41\00:12:09.93
So now you start exchanging
gifts, you're sending a
00:12:09.96\00:12:12.64
very clear
message, "I like you,"
00:12:12.67\00:12:14.56
"I'm interested in
you," "I admire you,"
00:12:14.59\00:12:17.32
"I need to be with
you more frequently. "
00:12:17.35\00:12:20.04
And that leads to what we might
conclude to be secret meetings.
00:12:20.07\00:12:24.22
Secret meetings are dangerous.
00:12:24.25\00:12:26.75
Secret meetings occur alone in
a car, visiting at the office,
00:12:26.76\00:12:32.47
visiting at the home.
00:12:32.50\00:12:33.84
Secret meetings
occur frequently and often.
00:12:33.87\00:12:37.32
But one has to be careful
because in there lies the trap
00:12:37.35\00:12:42.59
for these secret meetings.
00:12:42.62\00:12:45.90
So we're talking
about creeping compromises.
00:12:45.93\00:12:48.50
When you're in a marriage,
when you're in a relationship
00:12:48.51\00:12:51.41
that you're totally committed
to and truly committed to...
00:12:51.44\00:12:54.56
And we could conclude
that you really shouldn't be
00:12:54.57\00:12:56.40
in a marriage if
you're not committed to it.
00:12:56.43\00:12:58.37
Because marriage
is about commitment.
00:12:58.40\00:13:00.28
We actually made a
commitment when we got married.
00:13:00.29\00:13:03.49
So when you're in a marriage
and you have a commitment,
00:13:03.52\00:13:05.99
you don't want to
do anything that would
00:13:06.02\00:13:07.76
compromise that relationship.
00:13:07.79\00:13:09.21
So the final step in
this progression is this
00:13:09.24\00:13:12.75
creeping compromise where
you talk about, you rationalize,
00:13:12.78\00:13:16.90
you justify your
behavior, you give reasons.
00:13:16.93\00:13:19.44
And as a result of this you
find yourself doing things and
00:13:19.47\00:13:23.40
going places you should
not go and you should not do.
00:13:23.44\00:13:26.69
So we are saying, we're agreeing
that these are some things
00:13:27.76\00:13:31.34
that we shouldn't do
that leads to the adultery.
00:13:31.37\00:13:34.21
We are going to take a
break but we will come back
00:13:34.83\00:13:37.78
and pick up to talk
about the consequences
00:13:37.81\00:13:40.20
and remedy for adultery.
00:13:40.23\00:13:42.08
There are many
How To books available
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but there's one that's free
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00:14:09.23\00:14:10.80
Welcome back.
00:14:23.07\00:14:24.13
We have been talking about
adultery, a family problem.
00:14:24.47\00:14:28.41
And we have shared
with you some conditions
00:14:28.44\00:14:31.30
that lead to adultery.
00:14:31.33\00:14:33.14
Conditions like...
00:14:33.17\00:14:35.11
We say adultery
doesn't just always start
00:14:35.14\00:14:39.00
with an intention
to hurt each other
00:14:39.03\00:14:42.17
or to hurt the other spouse.
00:14:42.20\00:14:43.89
But things like
spending time together.
00:14:43.92\00:14:46.21
Things like building a
chemistry in a relationship
00:14:46.24\00:14:50.07
that's just a casual friendship.
00:14:50.10\00:14:51.94
Meeting emotional needs.
00:14:51.97\00:14:54.11
Noticeable absence when
the person is not there,
00:14:54.14\00:14:58.58
how you feel.
00:14:58.61\00:14:59.66
We talked about this
mental comparison that you make
00:14:59.67\00:15:04.01
with your spouse
and this friendship.
00:15:04.04\00:15:06.97
And Alanzo, I think
that's almost like the
00:15:07.00\00:15:08.47
turning point, actually.
00:15:08.50\00:15:10.07
Because in ordinary friendships
you have some chemistry,
00:15:10.10\00:15:14.87
you have common
things in practice.
00:15:14.90\00:15:16.43
But you don't begin to
compare and contrast your spouse
00:15:16.46\00:15:19.81
and begin to feel or give
the edge to somebody else.
00:15:19.84\00:15:22.94
So when that
begins to happen, you know
00:15:22.95\00:15:25.49
you're heading in
the wrong direction.
00:15:25.52\00:15:28.08
The seeds are
going to conceive because
00:15:28.11\00:15:29.48
you have to start
hiding things now.
00:15:29.52\00:15:31.32
And we talk about this embrace.
00:15:31.35\00:15:34.08
We call it the
kinesthetic embrace where you
00:15:34.09\00:15:37.04
want to touch, you want
to hug, you want to kiss,
00:15:37.07\00:15:39.60
or caress the person
which is another dangerous
00:15:39.63\00:15:42.54
area we're moving into.
00:15:42.57\00:15:43.71
So we conclude that we
call these compromises,
00:15:43.74\00:15:46.76
creeping compromises,
where gradually you start on a
00:15:46.79\00:15:49.48
sliding slope and eventually you
end up in a full blown affair.
00:15:49.51\00:15:53.81
There are consequences
though, serious consequences,
00:15:53.84\00:15:57.43
to an adulterous relationship.
00:15:57.46\00:16:00.10
What might be some of
these consequences that
00:16:00.13\00:16:03.42
we would like to look in
the eyes of our listeners and
00:16:03.45\00:16:06.23
talk to them about
it and share with them.
00:16:06.26\00:16:08.79
I think one of the most painful
is that the person who is
00:16:08.82\00:16:14.49
engaging in this adulterous
relationship is likely to
00:16:14.52\00:16:18.24
lose his or her family.
00:16:18.27\00:16:20.54
So we have what
we call divided homes
00:16:20.57\00:16:23.33
where now the other spouse
who finds out about this affair
00:16:23.36\00:16:27.28
is likely to walk
away from the marriage.
00:16:27.29\00:16:29.34
And you have a marriage,
a family with two or three
00:16:29.37\00:16:33.25
kids, being split.
00:16:33.26\00:16:35.81
So divided loyalty
leads to divided homes.
00:16:35.84\00:16:39.56
And that's a serious consequence
you know, because we have to...
00:16:39.59\00:16:43.39
It's not just two
people walking away.
00:16:43.42\00:16:45.41
The emotional consequence,
the financial consequence.
00:16:45.44\00:16:48.80
But greatest of all,
the impact on the children.
00:16:48.83\00:16:52.99
And the
spiritual impact as well.
00:16:53.02\00:16:55.86
I have dealt with so many
couples, so many individuals,
00:16:55.89\00:17:00.01
who have been either
victims or perpetrators
00:17:00.04\00:17:03.12
in adulterous relationships.
00:17:03.13\00:17:04.59
I recall a woman who
had called me one night and
00:17:04.62\00:17:07.54
she was actually
suicidal because she found out
00:17:07.57\00:17:11.61
her spouse was having
an adulterous relationship.
00:17:11.64\00:17:14.37
And thank God she had called
a friend and told her about
00:17:14.40\00:17:17.89
the incident and her friend
referred her for counseling.
00:17:17.92\00:17:20.72
So the pain, the
sadness, the depression
00:17:20.75\00:17:24.56
that one experiences when
they suddenly find themselves
00:17:24.59\00:17:27.70
in a situation where they
have to make a choice between
00:17:27.73\00:17:30.20
staying married and leaving
the marriage because the partner
00:17:30.23\00:17:33.71
committed adultery can
be devastating for all.
00:17:33.74\00:17:38.45
I heard a son telling
his dad that he did not
00:17:38.48\00:17:44.98
respect him anymore.
00:17:45.01\00:17:46.43
And the father was bewildered,
he couldn't understand why.
00:17:46.46\00:17:50.68
And when he asked
the son, the son said,
00:17:50.71\00:17:53.13
"You think I don't know
what you're doing to mom?
00:17:53.16\00:17:55.71
I read everything
on the computer. "
00:17:55.74\00:17:58.04
So he did not know that
the son somehow found access
00:17:58.07\00:18:01.34
to his computer and
was reading everything.
00:18:01.37\00:18:03.80
So here we find out a
lack of trust that develops
00:18:03.83\00:18:09.15
in the life of the
child towards the dad.
00:18:09.18\00:18:12.14
As you cite that
experience, I recall the
00:18:12.17\00:18:14.81
story of a young girl.
00:18:14.84\00:18:16.06
She was fourteen
years old doing very well
00:18:16.09\00:18:18.77
in school academically.
00:18:18.80\00:18:19.84
And her parents all of a
sudden got her last report card
00:18:19.87\00:18:23.98
and realized she was failing.
00:18:24.01\00:18:25.69
And of course that
caught their attention.
00:18:25.72\00:18:27.41
And they brought her in
for counseling because they
00:18:27.44\00:18:29.36
couldn't get
anything out of her.
00:18:29.39\00:18:30.68
She wouldn't talk, she was
depressed, she was very sad.
00:18:30.71\00:18:34.21
And when I interviewed
the young girl, she asked
00:18:34.24\00:18:37.64
the parents to leave the room.
00:18:37.67\00:18:38.73
And I said, "What's going on?
00:18:38.76\00:18:39.94
Let's talk about how I
might be able to help you. "
00:18:39.97\00:18:41.98
She said, "My
parents are such hypocrites.
00:18:42.01\00:18:44.64
My father doesn't
know that I know he's
00:18:44.67\00:18:48.89
having an affair
with another woman
00:18:48.90\00:18:50.44
and is cheating on my mother. "
00:18:50.45\00:18:52.11
And that's why this little
girl was failing in school.
00:18:52.14\00:18:55.72
So sometimes...
00:18:55.75\00:18:56.99
They would have thought that the
truancy they saw in the child;
00:18:57.02\00:19:00.56
the acting up and misbehavior,
the child is defiant.
00:19:00.59\00:19:04.25
Not knowing that they themselves
are, in this case he himself,
00:19:04.28\00:19:08.54
is the one that is
causing all of this.
00:19:08.57\00:19:11.04
The father had no clue
that his child was aware
00:19:11.07\00:19:13.90
of what was going on.
00:19:13.93\00:19:14.93
So yes, it has a
devastating affect on the child.
00:19:14.96\00:19:17.43
And we should emphasize
the spiritual component
00:19:17.46\00:19:21.89
to all of this because the
family suffers spiritually,
00:19:21.90\00:19:27.02
but the church also
suffers because sometimes these
00:19:27.05\00:19:30.45
individuals are prominent
leaders and prominent members
00:19:30.49\00:19:33.86
within the congregation.
00:19:33.90\00:19:35.76
And that does
affect the church at large.
00:19:35.77\00:19:38.80
The credibility of our gospel.
00:19:38.81\00:19:41.24
I think one of the things
that tends to happen is that
00:19:41.27\00:19:43.77
young women who are
engaging in an adulterous affair
00:19:43.80\00:19:49.36
with a married man, of course,
although adultery occurs with
00:19:49.39\00:19:52.63
other married people,
many times it compromises
00:19:52.64\00:19:55.61
the single woman or single male.
00:19:55.64\00:19:58.18
Because, think about it,
when a married man approaches
00:19:58.21\00:20:01.29
a single woman and tries to
engage her in a relationship,
00:20:01.32\00:20:05.00
what is he likely to offer her?
00:20:05.03\00:20:06.86
You know, sometimes they
make promises, empty promises.
00:20:07.79\00:20:12.67
Promises that they
are not able to fulfill.
00:20:12.70\00:20:15.31
But whether or not he's able
to, or she's able to fulfill the
00:20:15.34\00:20:19.39
promise, the fact of the matter
is, it is detriment to the
00:20:19.42\00:20:23.88
health of the
marital relationship.
00:20:23.91\00:20:25.92
And not only that,
society suffers as a whole
00:20:25.95\00:20:29.01
when you look at the social
and the moral values in society.
00:20:29.04\00:20:33.18
You know, we're living
in an age, this 21st century
00:20:33.21\00:20:35.97
in which we're living in, you
look at the stars, the Hollywood
00:20:36.00\00:20:39.66
stars, the
leaders, the professionals,
00:20:39.67\00:20:41.93
these individuals,
and too many of them,
00:20:41.96\00:20:45.28
their families
are falling apart.
00:20:45.31\00:20:46.76
There are too many figures
that we hold in the society
00:20:46.79\00:20:50.35
as such that afterward it
comes out there's an affair.
00:20:50.38\00:20:53.71
It's happening too often.
00:20:54.85\00:20:56.96
And our young
people idolize these stars,
00:20:56.99\00:21:00.96
look to them,
pattern them, et cetera.
00:21:00.99\00:21:04.12
And when this
happens it affects them.
00:21:04.15\00:21:06.91
So we could say this
behavior has almost become norm.
00:21:06.94\00:21:10.67
And so young people feel
comfortable, or individuals,
00:21:10.70\00:21:13.37
almost feel comfortable going
outside of their relationship.
00:21:13.38\00:21:16.21
Because they, quote, see
significant and important
00:21:16.24\00:21:19.08
people who practice
this kind of behavior.
00:21:19.11\00:21:21.81
But we are saying, by God's
standards, that's not God's
00:21:21.84\00:21:25.09
intent for the family.
00:21:25.12\00:21:26.23
When we get married, we're
saying we are married forever
00:21:26.26\00:21:29.35
and we want to be faithful
and loyal to each other.
00:21:29.38\00:21:32.37
You know, June, the pressure and
suicide and suicidal ideation
00:21:32.38\00:21:38.72
sometimes comes into play here.
00:21:38.73\00:21:41.77
There are individuals
who it becomes so painful,
00:21:41.80\00:21:45.45
it becomes so hurtful; sleepless
nights and sleepless days and
00:21:45.48\00:21:52.56
the crying, that
sometimes they feel they just
00:21:52.76\00:21:55.04
want to end it all.
00:21:55.07\00:21:56.05
Sometimes they feel trapped
and they feel like they've been
00:21:56.09\00:21:58.21
invested so much
in the relationship.
00:21:58.24\00:22:00.13
But we're here to tell
you that no matter what,
00:22:00.16\00:22:03.45
suicide is never an option.
00:22:03.48\00:22:05.82
Never ever.
00:22:05.85\00:22:06.87
And yes you will feel
sad and you'll be very upset
00:22:06.90\00:22:09.41
that this has happened.
00:22:09.42\00:22:10.44
But by God's grace, you
can have life after an affair.
00:22:10.47\00:22:13.88
And sometimes this comes
to complicate the family;
00:22:13.98\00:22:17.05
when a child outside of
the marriage is involved.
00:22:17.08\00:22:20.35
That creates a
lot of complication.
00:22:20.36\00:22:22.16
Yes, that's probably one of
the saddest things that happens.
00:22:23.32\00:22:26.62
Because a child who is
born into a relationship
00:22:26.65\00:22:29.73
where the father is
married to somebody else
00:22:29.76\00:22:32.55
really is likely to
have very difficult problems.
00:22:32.58\00:22:37.82
And our listeners out there,
I'm sure there are individuals
00:22:38.51\00:22:44.31
listening to us right now
who can identify with exactly
00:22:44.34\00:22:48.70
what we are talking about.
00:22:48.73\00:22:50.11
Here it is, you want
your marriage and you're doing
00:22:50.14\00:22:52.70
everything to keep the marriage,
and all of a sudden you hear now
00:22:52.73\00:22:55.99
there is a child involved.
00:22:56.02\00:22:57.79
What should be the approach
of, first of all, the offending
00:22:57.80\00:23:03.26
partner, the one who
went outside and fathered
00:23:03.29\00:23:06.73
or mothered a child?
00:23:06.76\00:23:07.82
If that happens, I think
it is important for them,
00:23:07.83\00:23:10.32
for the husband or the wife, to
acknowledge that this happened
00:23:10.35\00:23:13.44
and to face it with the spouse.
00:23:13.47\00:23:15.97
And if the spouse is willing
to forgive you and wants to stay
00:23:16.00\00:23:19.08
married with you, then
you must be able to negotiate
00:23:19.11\00:23:22.64
with your spouse to
take care of your child.
00:23:22.67\00:23:24.84
And we're talking
about the attitude now.
00:23:24.87\00:23:27.95
It has to be with
humility, a humble heart.
00:23:27.98\00:23:32.62
You can't just
demand, "This is my child and
00:23:32.65\00:23:36.18
I have to take
care of my child. "
00:23:36.21\00:23:37.62
No, that's not the attitude.
00:23:37.65\00:23:39.04
You have done
something that is wrong
00:23:39.07\00:23:40.76
so you have to be humble,
you have to ask for forgiveness.
00:23:40.79\00:23:43.70
You have to ask your
spouse to help, to understand,
00:23:43.73\00:23:47.65
and work with you
rather than demanding.
00:23:47.68\00:23:49.82
And I can understand how
painful it must be for the
00:23:50.02\00:23:53.05
wife or husband to
have to embrace this child.
00:23:53.08\00:23:55.60
But remember, the child
is the innocent victim here.
00:23:55.63\00:23:58.33
The child had nothing to do with
what went on between the adults.
00:23:58.36\00:24:02.13
And irresponsible
people allowed this to happen.
00:24:02.16\00:24:05.10
So now, yes, the wife
who's husband went out and
00:24:05.13\00:24:08.84
had an affair that yielded a
child, think about this child.
00:24:08.87\00:24:12.64
And you really need to embrace
this child and help to get
00:24:12.67\00:24:15.74
the support
that the child needs.
00:24:15.77\00:24:17.11
We want to share with
our listeners some remedies.
00:24:17.71\00:24:22.78
We have talked
about the problem.
00:24:22.81\00:24:25.36
If someone is listening,
so where do we go from here?
00:24:25.39\00:24:28.70
What do we do?
00:24:28.73\00:24:29.79
And the first thing we
should say is, acknowledge
00:24:29.82\00:24:34.00
that there is a problem.
00:24:34.03\00:24:35.52
You have to acknowledge
that there is a problem.
00:24:35.55\00:24:37.44
That's your starting point.
00:24:37.47\00:24:38.64
Because there can be no true
healing, no true forgiveness,
00:24:38.67\00:24:42.29
if you're in denial.
00:24:42.32\00:24:43.82
And while you acknowledge
that there is a problem,
00:24:43.85\00:24:46.07
you must be committed
to quit the relationship.
00:24:46.10\00:24:49.42
You can't fix it if you
continue in the same path.
00:24:49.45\00:24:53.90
And by quitting, we
mean confronting the lover
00:24:53.93\00:24:57.17
and saying, "This is over. "
00:24:57.20\00:24:59.18
You have to end it, put
a closure and a full stop.
00:24:59.21\00:25:03.24
Allow no
possibility for continuation
00:25:03.27\00:25:06.49
of the relationship.
00:25:06.52\00:25:08.49
It reminds me of the
way God relates to us.
00:25:08.52\00:25:10.91
When we sin, God is
willing to forgive us.
00:25:10.94\00:25:13.54
But He says we must
turn around 360 degrees.
00:25:13.57\00:25:16.61
So it is in an
adulterous relationship.
00:25:16.64\00:25:18.68
In addition to this,
we've got to encourage the
00:25:18.71\00:25:21.94
offending partner to
apologize to the spouse,
00:25:21.97\00:25:25.31
to acknowledge that, "I
hurt you and I wronged you. "
00:25:25.34\00:25:29.88
Be transparent.
00:25:29.91\00:25:31.02
Come clean.
00:25:32.23\00:25:33.43
Put everything on the table.
00:25:34.28\00:25:36.03
Work towards a resolution.
00:25:36.06\00:25:38.40
It makes no sense
to have an attitude.
00:25:38.43\00:25:41.09
You have done
something that is wrong,
00:25:41.12\00:25:43.26
you have violated
the covenant marriage,
00:25:43.27\00:25:45.32
and you have violated
the covenant of heaven.
00:25:45.35\00:25:47.48
Do your best to
bring about a resolution.
00:25:47.51\00:25:50.44
The best thing is to
keep your marriage intact.
00:25:50.47\00:25:54.78
And remember, you're
going to have to work real hard
00:25:54.81\00:25:57.67
to restore trust; to get the
spouse to trust that every time
00:25:57.70\00:26:02.59
you leave home, you
are in a safe place.
00:26:02.60\00:26:05.97
And that will take some time.
00:26:06.00\00:26:07.44
To build back trust, it
doesn't happen overnight.
00:26:07.47\00:26:11.89
It is something that you'll
have to be patient with your
00:26:11.92\00:26:14.53
spouse on and work towards.
00:26:14.57\00:26:17.42
But yes, it can be done.
00:26:17.45\00:26:19.98
Through the grace of God,
through the mercies of God.
00:26:20.01\00:26:22.40
It is not God's intention
that individuals within families
00:26:22.43\00:26:28.02
should have an affair.
00:26:28.03\00:26:29.17
It was not God's intention.
00:26:29.20\00:26:30.70
When He says we should
leave our father and mother and
00:26:30.73\00:26:33.69
cleave to our wife,
cleave to our spouse,
00:26:33.70\00:26:36.78
cleave to our husband, this
was God's intention in marriage
00:26:36.81\00:26:40.12
that we stay together.
00:26:40.15\00:26:41.86
And we should stay together.
00:26:41.87\00:26:44.46
So if there's a
problem, if there was an affair
00:26:44.49\00:26:48.09
in the relationship, we are
saying, let's acknowledge it,
00:26:48.12\00:26:50.90
let's turn away from it, and
let's move forward to restore
00:26:50.91\00:26:53.90
trust in our
original relationship.
00:26:53.93\00:26:56.74
The greatest remedy
that we can share with you
00:26:57.24\00:27:00.75
is the remedy of making
sure your spiritual reservoir
00:27:00.78\00:27:06.49
is replenished.
00:27:06.50\00:27:08.35
That is important.
00:27:08.38\00:27:10.12
You replenish it
through reading the word of God,
00:27:10.15\00:27:13.84
and through prayer.
00:27:13.85\00:27:16.18
The psalmist says, "Thy
word have I hid in my heart
00:27:16.21\00:27:19.43
that I might not
sin against Thee. "
00:27:19.46\00:27:23.18
You need the word of
God to give you strength.
00:27:23.21\00:27:26.53
Men like David and
Sampson failed because their
00:27:26.54\00:27:30.80
spiritual
reservoir was not filled up.
00:27:30.83\00:27:33.52
On the other hand, Joseph
was able to overcome temptation
00:27:33.55\00:27:38.07
because he had a
relationship with God
00:27:38.08\00:27:40.93
and his spiritual
reservoir was filled up.
00:27:40.94\00:27:43.99
So we're encouraging you,
acquaint yourself with God
00:27:44.02\00:27:46.95
and be at peace.
00:27:46.98\00:27:48.01
We're encouraging you to
hide His word in your heart
00:27:48.04\00:27:51.30
so that you will
not sin against Him.
00:27:51.31\00:27:53.24
Be strong, be faithful.
00:27:53.27\00:27:55.35
Enjoy your marriage
and keep your home happy.
00:27:55.38\00:27:58.32
God bless.
00:27:58.35\00:27:59.90