Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000065
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:35 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:40 and a Marriage and Family Consultant 00:42 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted you can join us today. 00:47 God intends for marriage to have purpose. 00:52 In order for that to happen, couples need to live 00:55 their lives intentionally based on the values of God's word. 01:00 When we deviate from those directives, we suffer the pain, 01:05 the brokenness that it brings. 01:08 Today we're going to be talking on a topic we've titled, 01:12 "Marriage with a Mission. " 01:14 How we can stick to the mission that God wants for each 01:19 of us to have in our respective marriages. 01:22 Well, you know Willie, mission statements are big 01:24 in organizations today. 01:26 Organizations are living, supposedly, by 01:29 their mission statements. 01:30 And our mission statements are usually based on our values, 01:34 on our goals. 01:35 You know, what we want our company, if you will, 01:38 to look like and what it should stand for. 01:41 So in the same way, God has given us pretty clear directives 01:45 on how we can live our lives on purpose. 01:48 How we can have our marriages have a mission. 01:52 So, I'd like to turn to the book of Deuteronomy 6:4-9. 02:41 What an awesome text. 02:43 This particular text is called the Shema in Hebrew 02:47 literature and history. 02:48 And the Shema literally means "to hear, to listen. " 02:54 And the person we're hearing, the person we're listening to 02:59 is Jehovah God, 03:01 is Yahweh, the God of heaven and earth, 03:04 the God of Israelites, the God of Israel. 03:08 The God of those of us who love Him. 03:10 The Shema was, in fact, Israel's mission statement. 03:17 It was Israel embracing their values, their mission, 03:22 in life every day. 03:24 Hear, O Israel, the Lord your God is one. 03:29 In the context of their lives, living around nations 03:34 that were polytheistic, had many gods, 03:37 Israel wanted to remind itself day end and day out 03:43 that they were monotheistic, that they believed in one God. 03:48 In the polytheistic arena in life, they didn't know how 03:53 to please their gods. 03:54 You know, you'd please one god and then the other god wouldn't 03:56 be too happy, and you weren't sure what was happening. 03:59 It was pretty schizophrenic. 04:00 Israel wanted to be distinct. 04:03 They wanted to remind themselves that they were children 04:07 of the God of the universe. 04:09 Behold, your God is one God. 04:13 That was a wonderful thing. 04:15 I like the fact that God also says very clearly 04:18 what we should be doing. 04:20 That we should love Him with all our hearts, all our souls. 04:25 That everything that we live for, everything that we do 04:29 every day is driven by this love that we have for God. 04:33 And He's very clear, He makes it very clear in this mission, 04:36 He's telling us to listen. 04:38 And then what are we listening to? 04:39 The fact that He needs us to love Him every day. 04:42 So every day when we wake up, our primary goal, 04:47 our primary mission is to love God. 04:50 Our sole purpose in life is to love God. 04:53 Indeed, and there's more in the Shema. 04:57 The Shema is talking about leading your children to God. 05:02 Socializing them, if you will. 05:05 Teaching them about God's ways. 05:08 Because children are sponges. 05:09 They will learn as they hear. 05:11 And they'll learn through their senses. 05:14 What they smell, what they hear, what they eat. 05:18 And so they want it to be very clear that as they were living 05:22 their lives on earth, as they were negotiating life each day, 05:26 they were doing so instructing their children 05:29 in the ways of the Lord. 05:31 I find it interesting that they were not leaving 05:34 anything to chance. 05:35 When you get up, when you sit down, when you walk with them. 05:38 Put it on your post, put it here, put it there. 05:42 Everywhere your children were to go and were to listen, 05:46 they were to be instructed with the ways of God. 05:49 That's our mission in life. 05:51 For the Israelite, that was his mission, that was her mission. 05:55 And if we make the correlation to the mission statements, 05:58 you know, if we read books, contemporary books 06:01 on mission statements, they are very clear to say 06:05 that in order for us to be successful 06:07 with whatever it is we're doing, that we need to put our 06:11 mission statement before us every day. 06:13 We need to read it several times a day, we need to be very clear. 06:17 I've even read some books where they say that if you were 06:20 to be held up, you know, accosted, you should be able to 06:24 say your mission statement with just on the spot like that. 06:29 So do we as people of God, do we as Christians 06:33 know our mission statement? 06:35 Do we know what it is that God wants us to do? 06:38 Do we know what God's purpose is? 06:40 And are we living that purpose? 06:42 Especially as we talk within the context of marriage. 06:46 Does our marriage reflect God's mission statement? 06:50 When we interact with one another, are we loving 06:53 each other the way God loves us? 06:56 That's what I think is so powerful about this text. 06:59 I think there's also some more that we can glean from this text 07:03 as we think about what it's saying about when we rise up 07:06 in the morning, we are to think about what it is, 07:09 our purpose is. 07:11 So, to me that sort of says something about 07:13 family worship perhaps. 07:15 That the first thing we should do when we wake up 07:18 in the morning is have a devotion. 07:21 Is to, however it is we do it, we should 07:25 first commit ourselves to God. 07:27 One of the things that we did very early on in our marriage 07:33 is to start our day with God. 07:37 And to make that time to start our day with God. 07:39 And when we had children, it became a little 07:42 more challenging. 07:43 Right? Because children have their own schedules. 07:45 And I remember at some point in our lives, 07:48 if I were to be honest, where family worship sort of got, 07:51 sort of put in somewhere else. 07:54 It was ad hoc. 07:56 Sometimes we had it, sometimes we didn't have it. 07:58 We were too busy, we were running. 07:59 Ok we're having worship, ok we weren't having it. 08:02 Until we decided, hey this has to stop. 08:04 And we made a commitment because we knew that 08:08 our day was not going as well. 08:10 Because we were not integrating God first, 08:14 we were not putting Him first in our lives. 08:16 And so, up until our kids left, we made a decision; 08:20 and we're sharing this with everyone so that people know 08:22 that in spite of the fact that we have busy lives, 08:25 that maybe both husband and wife work outside of the house, 08:30 that the children have different schedules, 08:32 some kids are going to school at seven, 08:34 some kids are going to school at eight, some at nine, 08:37 that we decided that we were going to have family worship 08:40 at 5:45 in the morning. 08:43 There's also something that I'd like to mention here 08:45 and underscore it because we live our lives under these 08:48 false notions that because we are leaders in God's church, 08:51 that because we are people in ministry, 08:53 that we're actually doing that. 08:55 We weren't people in ministry all of this time. 08:56 And it went by the wayside. 08:59 It was ad hoc until we were intentional about living out 09:03 the mission that God had given to us. 09:05 So we want to encourage you, if you're having difficulty 09:07 with this in your families, not to despair. 09:10 God is a loving God, a forgiving God, a long suffering God. 09:13 And it's not too late to determine what your mission is 09:17 and pull it together and live your lives each day 09:21 based on that mission. 09:23 You know what's wonderful about it is that the Israelites 09:25 repeated it every single day so that they were reminded 09:30 of what their purpose in life was. 09:33 Absolutely, and I think that God is also giving us an opportunity 09:37 to connect with each other. 09:39 That when He says tell it to your children, we have an 09:43 opportunity to connect as a family 09:46 first thing in the morning, sometime during the day, 09:49 and also in the evening. 09:50 There are also other important values that we can 09:53 get from the word of God. 09:55 Proverbs 3:3-4 has this to say. 10:14 What jumps out to me is, "write them. " 10:16 "Write them on the tablet of your heart. " 10:18 You know when you hear something, you can remember. 10:20 When you write it down, ahh, if you forget 10:23 you can go back to it and read it. 10:24 And God is saying write it on the tablet of your heart. 10:27 Why? So that you won't forget it. 10:29 If you're going to do things, if you're going to be kind 10:31 and truthful, it needs to be something that's of value 10:34 you live out every day in your life. 10:36 Absolutely. 10:38 There's another text and it's found in the book of 10:40 Colossians 3:12-14, and it says: 11:14 So what is God saying here? 11:15 There's a litany of values that are 11:19 in this passage of scripture. 11:21 Love, compassion, joy. 11:25 The values that you have that are a part of 11:28 your mission statement. 11:29 God has given in scripture lots of information 11:33 that as a people of God, we can take, we can integrate 11:36 into our lives so that our lives in relationship, 11:40 in marriage, in our families can give honor and glory to God. 11:46 And just in case we're struggling with our values, 11:51 you know, where do these values come from, 11:52 there's more in 1 Corinthians 16:14. 12:00 Well, how about that. 12:02 "Let all that you do be done in love. " 12:06 We're talking about love, the principle. 12:08 We're talking about love that's not just a feeling or fleeting. 12:11 Love that's permanent, that never ends. 12:14 "Everything that you do," God is saying, 12:17 "let it be done in love. " 12:19 We've spoken about submission in the past. 12:20 We've spoken about how to negotiate 12:22 leadership in the family. 12:23 If we do it in love, it's going to be fine. 12:27 Because love is like God. 12:32 And then what? 12:33 Another text is found in the book of Galatians 5:22-23. 12:36 And it's a wonderful text. 12:51 They're fruit of the spirit. Love, joy, peace. 12:53 All of these are to be a part of our mission each day. 12:57 God wants us to reflect His glory. 13:00 And for us to reflect His glory, we need to be reminded of 13:03 the values of the Christian walk. 13:06 We hope and pray that as we go through this 13:09 and the rest of this program, you will be keen on the issues 13:13 of what your mission is in life. 13:16 What is your mission in your marriage? 13:18 What is your mission, what are the values 13:20 that you're living by? 13:21 As you zero in on them each day, God will be able to bless you 13:26 and help your family. 13:27 Stick around, we'll be right back. 13:39 There are many "How To" books available, 13:41 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:44 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:46 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:50 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:56 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:14 Welcome back to our program on "Marriage with a Mission. " 14:17 We've been talking about God's plan 14:21 for our marriage, His purpose. 14:24 And we've spoken a lot about how we are to be 14:27 in marriage, in our family. 14:29 Specifically the concept of being loving. 14:33 And we looked at the Shema and the fact that it was 14:37 Israel's mission statement. 14:39 Which is really fascinating to me because we like to think 14:43 in our world today that we have invented everything 14:46 and we think we're so creative. 14:47 But from the very beginning of time, God gave 14:50 a mission statement to Israel that they were to live by. 14:54 And we spoke about the fact that it is about 14:58 loving God first and foremost. 15:00 And then passing on that love to our families 15:04 and also teaching our children about God and His plan 15:08 for our lives, and His purpose for our lives. 15:10 So basically, what we're saying here is that the whole notion 15:14 of mission statements is about living our lives based on the 15:19 values that we have espoused. 15:21 We're Christians. 15:22 So if we're Christians, we ought to live by Christian values. 15:24 If we're going to live those Christian values, we need to go 15:27 to the world of God each day where we find those values. 15:31 And what's powerful about the Shema, 15:34 it's indicative of what we ought to do as well, 15:38 and that is to do it every day. 15:39 You know, to bring it before our children every day 15:42 and every time we get an opportunity. 15:43 Bring it up in conversation. 15:44 It really is saying we need to talk about Christ to our kids. 15:49 So, do we wait until we go to church for a pastor 15:51 to make an appeal, to lead our children to Christ? 15:53 Well, certainly not. We don't have to do that. 15:55 Mind you, it's a good think if they respond to an appeal 15:58 when they go to church. 15:59 But we need to do that in our own homes. 16:01 Family worship, bringing Christ into the home every morning. 16:05 Why? Because He is the source of our life. 16:08 He's the source of our strength. 16:09 He's the source of our joy. 16:11 He's the source of the stability in our marriage, in our family. 16:15 And if we can start the day, each day, with those values 16:20 in mind and live them out, then we are more likely 16:25 to be strong, to be healthy. 16:28 And when we have strong families, 16:30 we have more likelihood that children will be discipled. 16:34 We have strong stewardship, we have a strong witness, 16:37 we have a strong church. 16:39 And then we can share the gospel with joy. 16:41 Why? Because it's in our hearts. 16:43 Because it's something we talk about and live out 16:45 every day of our lives. 16:48 You know what's also so powerful about that is the fact that 16:53 if we are looking at it several times a day, 16:56 if we are writing it on our door post, if we're putting it in 17:00 places where we can see it very clearly, then we will 17:05 be Christ like, and we will be great witnesses of God's love. 17:09 So we think that it's really important that couples 17:13 have their own mission statements. 17:16 Based, of course, on the values of the Bible, 17:19 based on God's word. 17:21 And it's pretty easy for couples or families, 17:24 but specifically in marriage because sometimes 17:27 we don't do these things for ourselves as a marriage couple. 17:32 So what do we want, what do we want our marriage to look like? 17:36 So it's really helpful if couples design their own 17:41 marriage mission statement. 17:42 What do we want our marriage to say when people see us? 17:47 What do they think about us, what do they think about God, 17:50 in essence, if we call ourselves a Christian couple? 17:53 So as we start to think about designing 17:55 a marriage mission statement, we need first to look at 17:59 the four basic needs that we have. 18:02 And we can start with looking at the physical. 18:05 What are our physical needs? 18:06 What are our social, our emotional needs? 18:10 What are our spiritual needs? 18:13 And what are our mental needs? 18:14 That's how we can begin, we can begin by writing down 18:18 the basic needs that we have, perhaps as individuals, 18:23 and then put those together as a couple. 18:26 And we can look at it together and see what is it that we need 18:30 in this relationship for it to be a successful relationship. 18:35 I think that as your were speaking, Elaine, 18:36 you're not necessarily giving these items in a priority list. 18:41 Because I would say that the priority here would be 18:44 to look at our spiritual needs first 18:46 since that's how we want to begin our day. 18:48 Look at our spiritual needs first. 18:50 So we're talking about four different areas; 18:52 spiritual, physical, social/emotional. 18:57 And what's the last one? 18:58 Mental. Absolutely, ok. 19:01 There's something else that we want to do when are 19:03 in this process of working on our mission statement. 19:06 And that is, well, we want to think about our parents. 19:09 What happened in our families of origin? 19:12 We can think about our dad, if we were raised by two parents. 19:15 And certainly, that's God's ideal. 19:17 If you're raised by two parents, think about your dad. 19:20 What did he stand for? 19:22 What was he like? What was he about? 19:24 What is the essence of your dad dad that you want to 19:26 take into your marriage? 19:27 Think about your mom. 19:28 What was she like? 19:30 What did she stand for? 19:31 What do you most remember her for? 19:34 And it doesn't mean that she's now dead. 19:36 It simply means that you're thinking about your childhood 19:38 when you were at home with your parents 19:40 and what part of their lives impacted your life. 19:43 So, these are some of the things that we want to do as we are 19:46 beginning to form our own marriage mission statements. 19:50 Start thinking about what we want to bring in from our 19:52 families of origin that was good, that was noble, 19:56 that was foundational, that could really help us in our own 20:00 marital experience. 20:02 To have something good that can represent Jesus Christ. 20:05 And as we look at our past, we also want to look 20:09 at the things that we don't want to bring in to our present 20:13 or to our future. 20:14 And that's a very powerful notion because we do believe 20:18 in the power of God to change our past. 20:21 Right? I mean, we can't change the past. 20:23 But we don't have to bring it into the present. 20:24 So as we're thinking about, what are the good things 20:28 that we want to bring into our marriage, maybe there were some 20:32 things that weren't so good from our family of origin 20:35 that we don't want to bring. 20:37 And by doing that, we become very intentional. 20:40 Because we know from research that there are certain factors 20:44 that will help a marriage experience, 20:48 that will contribute, let's say, a marriage experience distress. 20:52 And if we are aware of certain patterns, certain habits that 20:57 we had in our families of origin then we can look at it and 21:02 say, you know, we love our family. 21:04 Look at it objectively, holistically and say, 21:08 you know, there were some great things 21:10 about our family of origin. 21:12 But you know what, there were also some things 21:14 that we didn't really like and we don't want to have that 21:18 in our mission statement, in our family mission statement. 21:21 I like the fact that you brought that up. 21:23 You know, what do we include in and what do we include out? 21:26 Well, I like to encourage people. 21:28 Take any shape that you like, like, if you like a 21:31 circle, well draw a circle. 21:32 If you like squares, draw a square. 21:33 If you like a triangle, just draw a triangle. 21:38 And write inside of whatever shape you have drawn 21:42 the values that you want to be a part of your mission statement. 21:45 And draw outside of that shape, the values you don't want to 21:50 bring in to your own marriage. 21:52 The things that, perhaps, happened in your 21:53 family of origin that are not so good, 21:56 were not foundational, did not bring joy, 21:59 were not instructive, did not give honor and glory to God, 22:02 were not a good witness. 22:04 Leave those outside and write them down. 22:06 Because you want to be intentional about what 22:08 you're going to leave outside and what 22:10 you're going to bring inside. 22:11 You want to know, when those habits begin to crop up 22:15 in your marriage, no, that's something that we decided 22:17 we're not going to do. 22:19 And that will be a visual to help us to not do things 22:22 that will be harmful to our respective marriages. 22:25 That is so powerful. 22:27 And even as I'm listening to you speak, I'm thinking about the 22:30 fact, how we can reshape our future through the power of God. 22:36 That God does give us the power to move on. 22:40 So now as we're moving forward with our developing our 22:44 mission statement, we also want to think about our present. 22:48 What are the attributes that we bring? 22:50 What are the strengths that we bring to this relationship? 22:54 So that's something that the husband, the wife, can sit down 22:57 and they can write down; 22:58 what are the strengths that I bring to this relationship. 23:01 Perhaps I bring a strength of kindness. 23:06 A we should all be kind, but maybe that is my special gift. 23:10 And I can put that down. 23:11 You know, perhaps I bring the gift of being a good accountant. 23:17 And I can put that down. 23:18 A good administrator. 23:19 Anything, anything. 23:21 We can just bring and we can put it down on the paper and 23:24 we'll write down, what are the strengths that we 23:26 bring to this relationship. 23:27 Because every single relationship has strengths 23:30 and growth areas. 23:32 And we know that when we work with couples who are 23:34 experiencing distress, all of the strengths go out the window. 23:38 And all we think about are all the bad things. 23:41 But every single relationship has some good things about it. 23:45 So even if we have people out there who are struggling and 23:50 saying, "Well, there's nothing good about our marriage. " 23:52 I'm sure that if you were to sit down and just stop and think 23:57 about it, allow yourself to consider what the strengths are 24:01 that you bring or that your spouse brings to the table, 24:04 and write those down. 24:05 Well, I want to take some time just to talk about those 24:08 four areas that we spoke about before 24:10 in a little bit more detail. 24:12 Four basic areas that we're going to do our 24:15 marriage mission statement on. 24:16 And we want to start with spiritual. 24:18 What do we want to do in our family to be, 24:23 to endorse the spiritual side of our lives? 24:30 Well, one thing we can write down is, 24:33 have family worship every morning. 24:35 That's a value in our home, that's a 24:36 part of our mission statement. 24:37 We're going to have family worship 24:38 no matter what, every morning. 24:40 And you may decide you also want to have it every evening. 24:43 So you write it in there, the time, and it might be fluid. 24:47 As kids grow up and have different times to go to school, 24:50 and different chores after school, and jobs and stuff, 24:53 we can do it so that it fits our family. 24:56 And we can adjust it as we go along. 24:59 Write what we want to do spiritually. 25:01 We want to go to church together, we want to witness. 25:03 We want to be involved in mission trips. 25:06 That's spiritual. 25:07 And then social. 25:08 What would we say about social, Elaine? 25:10 Social and emotional. 25:12 You know, what are our emotional needs? 25:14 We all come to the relationship with different temperaments. 25:18 And we have different social, emotional needs. 25:20 And we're putting those together because often times, 25:23 our social lives are based on what we need emotionally. 25:28 So, if we think it's important for us to entertain 25:31 every Sabbath, that we want to bring guests home. 25:35 Whether they're friends or whether they're guests 25:38 to our church, that this is an important value to our home. 25:43 And it's really important what you were saying earlier 25:46 about the values, and I sort of lost my thought on that. 25:49 But we can come back to it later. 25:51 I like the fact what you're saying about social. 25:52 Because being hospitable is a value that leads to witnessing 25:56 and leading people to Jesus Christ. 25:58 So that is terrific. 25:59 I want to go to the third one and that is physical. 26:01 What are we going to do, what is our value as a marriage, 26:04 as a couple, when it comes to being in the physical realm? 26:07 Well, certainly, to eat good food. 26:09 Good nutritious food that is healthy and that is going to 26:13 help us to be strong and give honor and glory to God. 26:16 What else? We want our bodies to be strong. 26:18 Exercise, so we want to exercise every day, and put that down. 26:21 Because many of us as Christians, 26:23 we know about health, we know about what God wants us to eat. 26:26 But we don't rest enough, we don't exercise enough. 26:28 We're too busy and we don't even understand 26:31 the whole notion of Sabbath. 26:33 So physical, what we want to do, what are our values. 26:36 Write it down. 26:37 What we want inside, what we want outside. 26:40 And as we move forward with with that, we can put 26:43 together our mission statement. 26:45 And then the fourth area, the mental area. 26:47 We want to learn, we want to go to school. 26:49 We want our kids to read. 26:51 We want them to be on the word of God. 26:54 So, that's so important. 26:56 We want to read God's word. 26:57 We want to build each other up. 26:59 And what's important, when we write these things down, 27:02 then when we find that we're getting derailed 27:05 in our relationship, we go back to our mission statement 27:08 and it drives what we do and how we interact 27:11 with each other in our marriage. 27:13 So, what it means then is that as we deal with these issues, 27:17 and as we hone them every day, more and more 27:20 we get closer and closer to what we want to do, 27:23 and to what's important to us and what's important to God. 27:26 As we strive each day to do so, we know that 27:31 on our own we can't do it. 27:32 But here's the promise of success. 27:34 We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. 27:38 And if we trust Him, our families will be just fine. 27:43 God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17