Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:00:30.04\00:00:32.19
I'm Willie Oliver,
Director of Family Ministries
00:00:32.22\00:00:34.82
for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
00:00:34.85\00:00:37.18
I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry
00:00:37.21\00:00:39.79
and a Marriage
and Family Consultant
00:00:39.82\00:00:41.45
for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
00:00:41.48\00:00:43.98
We're delighted
you can join us today.
00:00:44.01\00:00:45.83
God's plan for
marriage is that it be joyful,
00:00:47.34\00:00:51.19
warm,
compassionate, and organized.
00:00:51.22\00:00:55.75
Today we want to speak
with you on a topic we've titled
00:00:55.78\00:00:59.16
"Leadership in Marriage. "
00:00:59.19\00:01:01.28
The truth of the matter is,
Willie, is that many marriages
00:01:02.06\00:01:04.60
are not experiencing this
joy, the compassion, the warmth
00:01:04.63\00:01:08.96
that you spoke about.
00:01:08.99\00:01:10.04
And I think a lot of the
issues that many couples are
00:01:10.07\00:01:13.00
dealing with is,
perhaps, unmet expectations,
00:01:13.01\00:01:16.36
confusion as to
our roles in marriage.
00:01:16.39\00:01:20.41
And perhaps we're
not doing it God's way.
00:01:20.42\00:01:24.03
And God is very clear
in the Bible about His plan
00:01:24.06\00:01:27.81
for marriage and
our roles in marriage.
00:01:27.84\00:01:30.86
In the book of Proverbs
17:22, the word of God says:
00:01:31.60\00:01:36.25
A joyful heart...
00:01:45.14\00:01:46.49
It is obvious that
God wants us to be joyful.
00:01:46.52\00:01:49.85
As His people, He wants us to be
happy, He wants us to be joyful,
00:01:50.36\00:01:54.21
He wants us to rejoice.
00:01:54.24\00:01:56.12
Because when people
are joyful, they're happy.
00:01:56.13\00:01:59.20
And when they're
happy, they're healthy.
00:01:59.23\00:02:01.43
And when they're healthy,
they project an image of God
00:02:01.46\00:02:04.85
that God wants
represented to the world.
00:02:04.88\00:02:08.04
Well, let's take a look
then at what this plan is,
00:02:08.54\00:02:12.05
and what exactly is God talking
about, and what are these roles
00:02:12.08\00:02:15.90
that are going to help us
experience this joy in marriage.
00:02:15.93\00:02:19.59
What does it look like?
00:02:19.60\00:02:21.05
So Ellen White has this
to say in The Adventist Home
00:02:21.08\00:02:24.58
about leadership in marriage.
00:02:24.61\00:02:26.07
So, Ellen White here
is talking about roles
00:03:08.68\00:03:11.52
and what is the role of
the father and the mother.
00:03:11.53\00:03:14.30
Specifically in this
passage, she's speaking about
00:03:14.33\00:03:16.91
the role of the father.
00:03:16.94\00:03:18.44
And one of the highlights
of this text, of this passage
00:03:18.47\00:03:23.19
is that it says, "The
husband and father is the
00:03:23.22\00:03:26.54
head of the home. "
00:03:26.57\00:03:28.03
Well what does that mean?
00:03:28.06\00:03:29.61
What does it mean to
be the head of the home?
00:03:29.64\00:03:32.06
Does it mean to be boss?
00:03:32.09\00:03:34.02
Does it mean to call the shots?
00:03:34.03\00:03:36.33
Does it mean to
have the last word?
00:03:36.36\00:03:38.02
Exactly what does it mean?
00:03:38.05\00:03:40.33
Well, it also says when
we look at the passage that
00:03:40.36\00:03:46.01
the wife is expecting
to have love and sympathy
00:03:46.04\00:03:49.59
from her husband.
00:03:49.62\00:03:50.99
Love and sympathy.
00:03:51.02\00:03:52.38
And help with
raising the children.
00:03:52.39\00:03:56.40
So, sometimes in our
society, in different cultures
00:03:56.43\00:04:01.77
around the world, there
are notions that are mores
00:04:01.80\00:04:06.89
of that particular society.
00:04:06.92\00:04:08.94
And in many cultures around
the world as we've traveled,
00:04:08.97\00:04:11.74
we see that children
are relegated to women.
00:04:11.77\00:04:17.28
And women are the
ones who have the oversight
00:04:17.31\00:04:20.19
of what happens to the children.
00:04:20.22\00:04:21.68
And yet, we see here that
the servant of God is saying
00:04:21.71\00:04:24.98
that fathers should help their
wives to raise the children.
00:04:25.01\00:04:29.59
Why? The children need
the influence of a man.
00:04:29.79\00:04:33.39
God intended it that
way and He made it so.
00:04:33.42\00:04:36.38
What's really interesting
is that she goes on to say,
00:04:36.41\00:04:39.94
even though she's
saying that fathers should help
00:04:39.97\00:04:42.58
in the training of their
children, she makes it clear
00:04:42.61\00:04:45.71
that fathers are
equally responsible
00:04:45.74\00:04:48.80
for the
training of the children.
00:04:48.83\00:04:50.49
So it's not just the mom's
responsibility, and we know
00:04:50.52\00:04:53.81
just by virtue of biology that
often times the initial training
00:04:53.84\00:04:58.98
of the children
falls on the mom.
00:04:59.01\00:05:01.46
Perhaps because as
moms, sometimes we take that
00:05:01.49\00:05:06.09
leadership role in the
rearing of our children.
00:05:06.12\00:05:09.06
But this is saying, this passage
is saying that fathers, too,
00:05:09.09\00:05:14.66
are to have a part.
00:05:14.69\00:05:15.67
So I think that's
really good for women and mom's
00:05:15.70\00:05:19.40
to understand as well, that
we need to be sure that we allow
00:05:19.43\00:05:24.05
fathers to be involved in
the training of our children.
00:05:24.08\00:05:27.75
I like to underscore as we
continue, the whole notion of
00:05:28.15\00:05:32.42
the husband providing
love and sympathy for his wife.
00:05:32.45\00:05:36.02
And the reason I think
this is important is because
00:05:36.05\00:05:39.31
many times in marriage,
relationships are rough.
00:05:39.34\00:05:42.53
You know,
they're a little crude.
00:05:42.56\00:05:44.06
And instead of providing
the kind of support that
00:05:44.09\00:05:47.63
their wives need, men think
that all they need to do is
00:05:47.66\00:05:50.93
go to work, make some money,
and give money to their wives to
00:05:50.96\00:05:55.10
pay bills, and watch TV and
have a cool drink and that's
00:05:55.11\00:05:58.94
all they need to do.
00:05:58.95\00:05:59.92
But it's very clear, it's
very clear according to this
00:05:59.95\00:06:02.97
directive from the spirit
of prophecy that God expects
00:06:03.00\00:06:07.09
for men to bring
love and sympathy.
00:06:07.12\00:06:11.11
By that it means that
we are paying attention
00:06:11.14\00:06:13.81
to what's
happening to our spouse,
00:06:13.84\00:06:15.35
that we care about
what's happening to our spouse.
00:06:15.38\00:06:18.20
That we are compassionate
and that we're supportive
00:06:18.23\00:06:21.56
in all the aspects
of our family life.
00:06:21.59\00:06:24.56
So in essence then, being the
head of the home is not so much
00:06:24.59\00:06:29.31
talking about bossing
around, about domineering.
00:06:29.34\00:06:33.36
It's not about who's in
charge, per se, but it's about
00:06:33.39\00:06:38.06
fathers and husbands
understanding that they are
00:06:38.09\00:06:41.45
to be controlled by the love of
God, that they are to fear God.
00:06:41.55\00:06:45.34
That they are suppose to
understand God, first of all,
00:06:45.37\00:06:50.84
and convey that love to
their wives, to their children.
00:06:50.87\00:06:54.78
Well, what's very important
to underscore is that if fathers
00:06:54.81\00:06:58.52
are going to be the kinds
of leaders that they need to be
00:06:58.55\00:07:01.02
in their homes,
in their families,
00:07:01.05\00:07:03.06
that they need to
know God for themselves.
00:07:03.07\00:07:05.29
That if they're going to expose
their kids to certain influences
00:07:05.32\00:07:08.39
they need to know how injurious
those influences might be
00:07:08.42\00:07:12.75
and choose the right influences
to share with their children.
00:07:12.76\00:07:15.60
Because they do have
some responsibility here.
00:07:15.63\00:07:19.41
I see this whole notion of
what we're talking about today,
00:07:19.44\00:07:22.49
not so much as
husbands being in charge,
00:07:22.52\00:07:25.49
as much as
husbands giving leadership.
00:07:25.52\00:07:27.75
God calls men to be
leaders in their homes,
00:07:27.78\00:07:30.40
to be priests in their
homes, to offer guidance,
00:07:30.43\00:07:34.03
to offer love, to offer
affection, to offer support.
00:07:34.06\00:07:37.46
And it's much more than just
saying, "The buck stops here
00:07:37.49\00:07:41.66
and what I say is what goes. "
00:07:41.69\00:07:43.23
But reflecting the image of God.
00:07:43.26\00:07:47.08
You know, I've heard
so many women say that
00:07:47.48\00:07:52.04
they're disappointed that their
husbands are not the leaders
00:07:52.07\00:07:55.47
of the home, because they're not
leading out in family worship.
00:07:55.50\00:07:59.14
And when we look at this passage
we see that it's so much deeper.
00:07:59.17\00:08:04.27
When we read what the word
of God has to say in Ephesians 5
00:08:04.28\00:08:08.09
it's so much deeper than just
leading out in family worship.
00:08:08.12\00:08:12.45
And I think that we
need to be clear about that.
00:08:12.48\00:08:15.28
That it's about loving and
nurturing and providing warmth.
00:08:15.31\00:08:19.59
More than just, "Ok, I'm going
to call the songs and worship
00:08:19.62\00:08:24.14
or I'm going to
call for worship. "
00:08:24.24\00:08:25.63
Also, as we look at this
whole issue of leadership,
00:08:25.66\00:08:30.31
we have to talk about
the subject of submission.
00:08:30.34\00:08:34.06
And that's a pretty difficult
word in contemporary times.
00:08:34.09\00:08:38.07
It's very hard,
especially for women to handle
00:08:38.10\00:08:41.46
this word "submission".
00:08:41.49\00:08:42.63
Let's see what the word of God
has to say in Ephesians 5:22-24.
00:08:42.66\00:08:47.41
So, we're talking about wives
being able to submit to their
00:09:09.41\00:09:13.21
husbands as to the Lord.
00:09:13.24\00:09:14.82
And as I've said earlier,
this is a pretty difficult word.
00:09:14.85\00:09:17.77
And I think that if we
really study and understand God
00:09:17.78\00:09:22.02
and how egalitarian He is...
00:09:22.05\00:09:25.49
That's a big word, Elaine.
00:09:25.52\00:09:26.76
It is, He's fair.
00:09:26.79\00:09:28.48
You know, when He
talks about wives submitting
00:09:28.51\00:09:32.07
to their husbands, He's
also talking to husbands and
00:09:32.10\00:09:35.44
saying that husbands
should love their wives
00:09:35.47\00:09:37.85
as Christ loved the church.
00:09:37.88\00:09:39.76
So this is a pretty heavy thing
that He's asking husbands to do.
00:09:39.79\00:09:45.48
What did Christ do?
00:09:45.51\00:09:46.60
Christ laid down
His life for the church.
00:09:46.63\00:09:48.86
What I like is the
fact that husbands are head
00:09:48.89\00:09:52.15
of the home or head of the wife
as Christ is head of the church.
00:09:52.18\00:09:56.08
So we do have a
model as husbands, as men,
00:09:56.11\00:09:59.43
that if we're going to, in fact,
take our roles in leadership
00:09:59.46\00:10:02.74
in the family
seriously, what we're doing
00:10:02.77\00:10:04.98
is that we're being Christ
like, we're being like the Lord.
00:10:05.01\00:10:07.62
Absolutely, so then it makes
it a little easier than for
00:10:07.65\00:10:12.41
a wife, for me, to
submit to my husband
00:10:12.44\00:10:17.09
if my husband is Christ like.
00:10:17.12\00:10:20.07
And we're submitting
to our husbands as we
00:10:20.10\00:10:23.90
submit to the Lord.
00:10:23.93\00:10:25.70
Ellen White has another
passage that is found in
00:10:25.73\00:10:29.33
The Adventist Home
and page 116, and it says:
00:10:29.36\00:10:32.16
So entire submission
here, Elaine, it's saying
00:11:22.27\00:11:23.62
that should be made
only to Jesus Christ.
00:11:23.63\00:11:25.80
That while God is asking women
to submit to their husbands,
00:11:25.83\00:11:28.84
entire complete
submission is only to God.
00:11:28.87\00:11:32.18
Because He is the
only one who's holy.
00:11:32.21\00:11:33.67
And because we, as
husbands, are imperfect.
00:11:33.68\00:11:36.02
We have to be very careful that
the submission is in the context
00:11:36.84\00:11:40.84
of the husband being in Christ.
00:11:40.87\00:11:42.90
And understanding that
God is not asking us wives
00:11:42.93\00:11:48.26
to merge their individuality
into their husbands.
00:11:48.29\00:11:51.01
And husbands should not
expect that of their wives.
00:11:51.04\00:11:54.01
So as we talk about
submitting, then this submission
00:11:54.04\00:11:58.73
is really to God.
00:11:58.76\00:12:01.56
And if our
husbands are God like,
00:12:01.59\00:12:03.97
then we have a
better understanding
00:12:03.98\00:12:06.09
of what submission is.
00:12:06.12\00:12:07.34
Yea, I think it's a mistake to
think about the whole issue of
00:12:07.37\00:12:11.56
submission as blind devotion.
00:12:11.59\00:12:14.63
As whole-hearted devotion,
blindly suspending all of her
00:12:14.66\00:12:20.65
reasoning resources.
00:12:20.68\00:12:24.16
That women are to submit to
their husbands only as their
00:12:24.19\00:12:28.38
husbands are clear, are devoted
to the teachings of Christ
00:12:28.41\00:12:33.89
and of being like Christ.
00:12:33.92\00:12:35.98
Because if you're not
like Christ, well no women
00:12:35.99\00:12:39.01
should be submitted to you.
00:12:39.04\00:12:40.29
Well, I think as the text
illuminates, as we look at
00:12:40.93\00:12:46.53
what the text is saying,
and as we talk more about
00:12:46.56\00:12:49.80
what the spirit of prophecy
is saying, it makes it clear
00:12:49.83\00:12:53.65
that the submission that God is
talking about is very different
00:12:53.68\00:12:58.87
than the way we perceive
submission in secular terms.
00:12:58.90\00:13:03.46
Indeed, and in fact,
this submission ought to be in
00:13:03.49\00:13:07.46
the context of a relationship,
of a loving relationship,
00:13:07.49\00:13:10.99
of a supportive relationship,
of one where's their mutual
00:13:11.02\00:13:14.13
caring and mutual forbearance.
00:13:14.16\00:13:15.90
One where they truly want
to give honor and glory to God.
00:13:15.93\00:13:20.16
And so, as we
look at this topic,
00:13:20.19\00:13:22.63
and we're going to be
talking some more about it.
00:13:22.66\00:13:24.28
But right now, we're
going to go to break.
00:13:24.31\00:13:26.21
So stick around, stay with
us and we will be right back.
00:13:26.24\00:13:29.97
There are many
"How To" books available
00:13:40.06\00:13:42.15
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:42.18\00:13:45.22
"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
00:13:45.25\00:13:47.66
Bible-based, matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted,
00:13:47.69\00:13:51.62
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:51.65\00:13:54.48
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:13:54.51\00:13:57.30
and everyone in between.
Call or write for your copy.
00:13:57.33\00:13:59.46
Welcome back to our topic
on leadership in marriage.
00:14:14.48\00:14:17.11
We've been having a
pretty interesting discussion
00:14:17.14\00:14:21.07
on leadership, on submission.
00:14:21.08\00:14:24.74
And we wanted to go a
little further into what the
00:14:24.77\00:14:27.50
spirit of prophecy has to say.
00:14:27.53\00:14:29.27
In Adventist Home,
Ellen White says this.
00:14:29.30\00:14:32.76
So what I'm seeing in this
passage is that when men require
00:15:17.70\00:15:21.77
complete subjection, submission,
subjection of their wives to
00:15:21.80\00:15:26.25
themselves, that they're
doing so contrary to what
00:15:26.28\00:15:29.85
scripture is requiring.
00:15:29.88\00:15:31.54
When it's speaking about
submission, full submission
00:15:31.57\00:15:35.25
in everything, that
everything is as to the Lord.
00:15:35.28\00:15:39.32
One of the things that
we need to be mindful of
00:15:39.35\00:15:42.11
as men, as human beings,
is that because we're human
00:15:42.14\00:15:47.05
we are not perfect.
00:15:47.08\00:15:48.51
And because we're not
perfect, there is a tendency
00:15:48.54\00:15:51.11
to go overboard, to
over step our boundaries,
00:15:51.14\00:15:56.55
and to try to annex something
that belongs only to God.
00:15:56.58\00:16:01.57
The truth of the
matter is, we are under
00:16:01.58\00:16:04.51
the sovereignty of God.
00:16:04.54\00:16:06.27
We are under the
rulership of God, both of us
00:16:06.30\00:16:08.70
as husbands and wives.
00:16:08.73\00:16:10.07
When God brings us
together, He brings us as one.
00:16:10.10\00:16:13.23
He wants us to be
one, one in spirit,
00:16:13.26\00:16:16.02
one in
direction, one in purpose,
00:16:16.05\00:16:18.70
leading our family
to the heavenly kingdom.
00:16:18.73\00:16:21.87
Not only that, God wants
for us in our families to
00:16:21.90\00:16:25.77
reflect His image
and to lead people to Him
00:16:25.80\00:16:29.52
because of the love and the joy
that we have with one another.
00:16:29.55\00:16:33.65
So to have an individual,
your spouse, your wife,
00:16:33.68\00:16:37.64
to be subject to
you in everything,
00:16:37.67\00:16:39.93
it sounds a little harsh.
00:16:39.96\00:16:41.96
And basically what the
servant of the Lord is saying
00:16:41.99\00:16:45.39
is that this is not
exactly what God is saying.
00:16:45.42\00:16:47.82
What He's saying is, He's
giving us a model of unity.
00:16:47.85\00:16:51.95
He's giving us a
model of understanding
00:16:51.98\00:16:54.63
how the
leadership is to be done.
00:16:54.66\00:16:56.48
It's a leadership,
it's not rulership.
00:16:56.51\00:16:59.03
It's leadership.
00:16:59.06\00:17:00.16
It's not being
boss, it's being a leader.
00:17:00.19\00:17:02.63
Well, and she uses some pretty
strong words where she says
00:17:03.16\00:17:06.20
when we interpret it in
that way, when we interpret it
00:17:06.23\00:17:09.75
that it means to hold
someone subject to you,
00:17:09.78\00:17:12.92
when you interpret it in
a way that it is rulership,
00:17:12.93\00:17:15.26
that it is bossing,
we're actually doing violence
00:17:15.36\00:17:18.60
to the marriage institution.
00:17:18.63\00:17:20.44
Those are some
pretty strong words.
00:17:20.45\00:17:22.22
And I think that she was
just so way ahead of her time
00:17:22.25\00:17:26.32
when she wrote these
words such a long time ago,
00:17:26.35\00:17:30.65
and they're so relevant to
us today in our relationships.
00:17:30.68\00:17:34.01
One of the things that I
think that we need to be very
00:17:34.04\00:17:36.07
careful of is that we
don't allow our traditions
00:17:36.10\00:17:39.55
and our cultural mores to
transcend the word of God.
00:17:39.58\00:17:45.05
Because so often we say, "Well,
that's the way it's been done
00:17:45.35\00:17:48.54
in our culture. "
00:17:48.57\00:17:49.89
Well, what is God's culture?
00:17:49.92\00:17:51.43
That's what I like, you know.
00:17:51.46\00:17:53.27
We travel around the
world and we do workshops
00:17:53.28\00:17:56.70
in different places and,
invariably, someone will ask,
00:17:56.73\00:17:59.34
"Well, how do you
do it in America?"
00:17:59.35\00:18:00.72
And our response usually is,
"Well, how we do it in America
00:18:00.73\00:18:03.71
is not the most
important thing. "
00:18:03.74\00:18:05.41
Because lots of people do
it in different ways in America
00:18:05.44\00:18:08.44
and it's not going
so well in most places.
00:18:08.47\00:18:11.49
What we want to do is
what the word of God says.
00:18:11.52\00:18:13.95
We want to live our lives
in marriage, in relationships,
00:18:13.98\00:18:17.13
based on God's word.
00:18:17.16\00:18:18.86
And so as we look at God's
word, as we allow it to lead us,
00:18:18.89\00:18:22.93
as we allow it to inform
our negotiating of marital roles
00:18:22.96\00:18:29.01
in that relationship, we have to
go beyond just what we learned
00:18:29.04\00:18:33.69
in our culture's growing up.
00:18:33.72\00:18:35.27
In most cultures around the
world, and we have a tendency
00:18:35.30\00:18:38.87
of highlighting
certain cultures and saying
00:18:38.90\00:18:41.30
that men rule with an iron fist,
well in almost every culture
00:18:41.33\00:18:44.74
in the world, men tend to
just over step their boundaries
00:18:44.77\00:18:48.15
and just think that
they're more than what
00:18:48.18\00:18:50.56
God has asked them to do.
00:18:50.59\00:18:51.93
It is important that if
we're going to be people of God,
00:18:51.96\00:18:54.79
that we do it God's way.
00:18:54.82\00:18:56.10
What God is saying is that
we should love one another.
00:18:56.13\00:18:58.85
We should have
sympathy for each other.
00:18:58.88\00:19:00.92
We should build each other up.
00:19:00.95\00:19:03.10
So if I love my wife as I
love myself, it means that I
00:19:03.13\00:19:08.33
would never take a
hammer and hit my fingers
00:19:08.36\00:19:11.21
or hurt myself.
00:19:11.24\00:19:12.51
Because it hurts.
00:19:12.52\00:19:14.18
So when you hurt, I hurt.
00:19:14.21\00:19:16.33
And what I want to be
sure of is that whatever I say,
00:19:16.36\00:19:20.13
whatever I do, is not
going to cause you any harm.
00:19:20.16\00:19:22.97
But it's going to affirm
you, it's going to let you know
00:19:23.00\00:19:28.03
that I care about you,
it's going to let you know
00:19:28.04\00:19:30.68
and communicate to
you that we are one,
00:19:30.71\00:19:33.72
that we are an "us",
that we belong to each other
00:19:33.75\00:19:37.17
and want to give
honor and glory to God.
00:19:37.20\00:19:40.14
So if I were to broaden the
definition of submission then,
00:19:40.17\00:19:43.96
we're broadening it to say
that we, as husbands and wives,
00:19:43.99\00:19:48.90
are to love and
respect our spouses.
00:19:48.93\00:19:54.05
And if we are looking out for
the best interest of the other,
00:19:54.08\00:19:58.15
then we will
experience the joy in marriage
00:19:58.18\00:20:01.46
that God intends
for us to experience.
00:20:01.49\00:20:03.56
And there won't be as
much confusion as to our roles
00:20:03.59\00:20:07.39
in marriage because once
we're living under God's way,
00:20:07.42\00:20:11.98
then it becomes a little
bit more clear how we decipher
00:20:12.01\00:20:16.35
the simple things
as to who's going to
00:20:16.38\00:20:18.51
change the baby's diaper, who's
going to take out the garbage.
00:20:18.54\00:20:22.09
You know, those actually become
trivial when we get a clearer
00:20:22.12\00:20:25.99
understanding of what God
is saying about leadership,
00:20:26.02\00:20:29.32
about headship, about
submission in the Bible.
00:20:29.35\00:20:32.69
I think that it's very important
that we get to the place
00:20:32.70\00:20:36.02
where we learn to operationalize
the text, the biblical text.
00:20:36.05\00:20:40.03
How do we live our
lives each day under
00:20:40.23\00:20:42.94
the shadow of the
text or under the light
00:20:42.95\00:20:45.01
of the text, if you will?
00:20:45.04\00:20:46.31
Many times in many
cultures, we feel that women
00:20:46.34\00:20:51.21
have to take care of
the inside and the men
00:20:51.24\00:20:54.12
take care of the outside.
00:20:54.15\00:20:55.25
And it all depends
on who has more talent.
00:20:55.28\00:20:57.81
While it's important that
we, and we believe strongly
00:20:57.84\00:21:02.42
that whoever eats
needs to know how to cook.
00:21:02.45\00:21:04.36
You know, if you know how to
eat you should know how to cook.
00:21:04.39\00:21:07.11
If you wear clothes, you
should know how to wash them and
00:21:07.21\00:21:10.04
how to iron them.
00:21:10.07\00:21:11.10
And mind you, we may alternate
depending on who has the time.
00:21:11.40\00:21:17.65
I remember in our early
marriage, whoever got home first
00:21:17.68\00:21:22.13
at the end of the
day would make dinner.
00:21:22.16\00:21:25.07
And it wasn't a big deal for us.
00:21:25.10\00:21:27.23
I mean, I loved you, I wanted
to make sure we had a good meal
00:21:27.26\00:21:30.08
and if I was there before
you got there, I made the meal.
00:21:30.11\00:21:33.34
And if you were there before
I got there, you made the meal.
00:21:33.54\00:21:36.52
and we both enjoyed what we had
to offer to our relationship.
00:21:36.55\00:21:40.08
So when we look at
marriage as a unit, as a whole,
00:21:40.11\00:21:43.30
we recognize that what
we're trying to do is to build
00:21:43.33\00:21:46.55
something together.
00:21:46.58\00:21:48.05
When we are building
together and we are one,
00:21:48.08\00:21:50.59
it's not about preeminence.
00:21:50.62\00:21:52.62
It's about giving leadership
and finding joy and happiness
00:21:52.65\00:21:57.69
and warmth and
support and affirmation.
00:21:57.70\00:22:00.94
Because those virtues,
those values help us to be
00:22:00.95\00:22:05.84
what God wants us to be.
00:22:05.85\00:22:07.43
And we need to do
away with the power plays
00:22:07.93\00:22:11.17
because it's not
about jockeying for power.
00:22:11.20\00:22:13.90
It's about
empowering one another.
00:22:13.93\00:22:15.89
If we want to have great
marriages, then we need to look
00:22:15.92\00:22:19.89
at ways in which we
can empower one another.
00:22:19.92\00:22:22.24
So again, you know, you
used cooking as an example.
00:22:22.27\00:22:25.57
There are many homes
where wives love to cook.
00:22:25.60\00:22:29.14
Actually, we have friends
where the husband loves to cook
00:22:29.17\00:22:32.49
and he does all the cooking.
00:22:32.79\00:22:34.43
So depending on what your
gifts are, don't be afraid
00:22:34.46\00:22:38.71
to bring that gift to the table
because there's some societal
00:22:38.72\00:22:43.33
notion that says, "If I do
the cooking, I'm a weak man. "
00:22:43.34\00:22:47.24
Or, "If I do the cooking,
I'm a disempowered woman. "
00:22:47.27\00:22:51.38
We need to put aside the secular
notions, these worldly notions,
00:22:51.41\00:22:57.30
not allow them to
infiltrate our marriages.
00:22:57.31\00:23:00.70
Because God is very clear,
and God's plan if for us to have
00:23:00.73\00:23:05.18
great marriages.
00:23:05.21\00:23:06.40
God's plan is for us to
have unity in our marriages.
00:23:06.41\00:23:09.74
And so what matters here then
is that everything that we do in
00:23:09.77\00:23:13.79
marriage, be to build each
other up so that we have the
00:23:13.82\00:23:17.09
kind of family that
can represent Jesus Christ.
00:23:17.12\00:23:20.18
After all,
that's what God wants.
00:23:20.19\00:23:21.89
And whether we cook or clean,
whether we work and whoever
00:23:21.92\00:23:26.71
gets a job in these days with
the economy being what it is.
00:23:26.74\00:23:29.43
Whoever can hang on to a
job is what we are going to need
00:23:29.46\00:23:33.42
because we're going to
have to pay rent, we're going to
00:23:33.45\00:23:35.29
have to pay mortgage,
we're going to buy food, and
00:23:35.32\00:23:38.31
get these kids to church school.
00:23:38.34\00:23:40.29
Well, there's so much wonderful
counsel in The Adventist Home.
00:23:40.32\00:23:45.44
Ellen White has more
to say on this topic.
00:23:45.47\00:23:47.92
So what God is saying then
is that if the husband is not
00:24:38.28\00:24:41.77
following the ways of the Lord,
he certainly, most certainly,
00:24:41.80\00:24:46.46
is not as Christ
is to the church.
00:24:46.49\00:24:50.11
And has no right to give
that kind of direction because
00:24:50.14\00:24:54.36
to give direction, he must be
directed by the spirit of God.
00:24:54.39\00:24:57.37
Correct, and just to further
illuminate that, if husbands are
00:24:58.39\00:25:04.77
thinking that they are suppose
to be in control of their wives
00:25:04.80\00:25:08.60
and they are not submitting
to God, then of course, they
00:25:08.63\00:25:13.13
would have a misunderstanding
of what the text is saying.
00:25:13.16\00:25:17.37
So what the text is
saying is that, or the passage,
00:25:17.67\00:25:20.37
is that men need
to be subject to God.
00:25:20.40\00:25:22.89
They need to be
intimate with God.
00:25:22.92\00:25:25.16
They need to be
under the rulership of God
00:25:25.17\00:25:28.11
so that they can give
the kind of leadership
00:25:28.12\00:25:31.35
God expects of
them in the family.
00:25:31.38\00:25:34.04
If I'm not under the rulership
of God, if I've not accepted the
00:25:34.07\00:25:37.92
spirit of God in my own life and
I'm not living that out each day
00:25:37.95\00:25:41.56
that's going to
be pretty difficult.
00:25:41.59\00:25:43.10
So, I think it's clear
that what God intends for us
00:25:43.80\00:25:48.39
as husbands and wives, and
specifically we're speaking here
00:25:48.42\00:25:51.42
about husbands, and you
know, she goes on to talk about
00:25:51.45\00:25:55.38
husbands should not be
rough or egotistical or harsh
00:25:55.41\00:25:59.10
in the home.
00:25:59.11\00:26:00.32
I think that we should also
add to that, that wives also
00:26:00.35\00:26:07.15
need to learn how to be
kind and loving and gentle
00:26:07.18\00:26:12.06
and respectful
of their husbands.
00:26:12.09\00:26:13.75
Again, we talk about that
mutuality in the relationship.
00:26:13.78\00:26:17.64
Because we started out by
saying that God wants us to
00:26:17.67\00:26:21.12
experience joy and
warmth and compassion
00:26:21.15\00:26:25.39
in the marriage relationship.
00:26:25.42\00:26:27.25
Because when we have joy in
the marriage, again, and there's
00:26:27.28\00:26:31.00
warmth and there's compassion,
there is joy and there's a way
00:26:31.03\00:26:34.74
to give honor and glory to
God and reflect the image of God
00:26:34.77\00:26:37.99
to the world, which
we've been called to do
00:26:38.02\00:26:40.03
as Christian families.
00:26:40.06\00:26:41.36
Well, here's
another text, 1 Peter 3:7.
00:26:41.95\00:26:45.17
This is pretty awesome you know,
and it's kind of scary too.
00:27:03.44\00:27:06.15
And basically it's saying, if
you don't treat your wife right,
00:27:06.18\00:27:08.58
God's not going
to listen to you.
00:27:08.61\00:27:09.91
If you don't do what God
expects of a Godly man to do
00:27:10.31\00:27:14.26
in your family, God's
not going to listen to you.
00:27:14.29\00:27:16.57
I don't know about you,
but I certainly want God,
00:27:16.60\00:27:19.25
I want God to listen to me
and I want to know that when
00:27:19.28\00:27:21.96
I take my petitions to Him, that
He's going to answer my prayer.
00:27:21.99\00:27:26.40
You know, this is hard stuff.
00:27:26.41\00:27:28.50
But there's a
promise of success.
00:27:28.53\00:27:30.92
Philippians 4:13, "I can
do all things through Christ
00:27:30.95\00:27:35.45
who give me strength. "
00:27:35.48\00:27:37.18
If we trust God,
we read His word,
00:27:37.21\00:27:39.63
we're under His rulership,
our families will be just fine.
00:27:39.66\00:27:43.77
God bless you.
00:27:43.80\00:27:45.00