Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000063
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:34 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:39 and a Marriage and Family Consultant 00:41 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted you've joined us today. 00:47 Marriage is one of those circumstances, enterprises, 00:52 that are challenging. 00:54 If we're going to make it, we're going to have to 00:57 do it God's way. 00:58 In fact, that's the topic that we're dealing with today: 01:03 "Marriage God's Way" 01:07 Well certainly, marriage, God created marriage for joy. 01:10 And unfortunately, sometimes we don't do it God's way. 01:14 And when we don't do it God's way, then our whole relationship 01:18 goes awry and then we sort of make up excuses 01:21 as to why it's not working. 01:23 And worse yet, we may even decide to undo the relationship 01:27 because we have not done it God's way. 01:30 So, God has a lot to say about this topic 01:33 and there's a verse found in the book of Jeremiah 31:3 01:39 that is very important, and here God is saying: 01:51 This text finds the prophet talking about 01:57 God's relationship to Israel. 01:59 And Israel is not at a high point 02:03 in its relationship with God. 02:05 In fact, this context in Jeremiah finds Israel 02:09 wondering away from God, not doing God's will, 02:14 not doing it God's way. 02:16 And yet, God says to Israel, "I have loved you 02:20 with an everlasting love. " 02:22 God's love is eternal. 02:24 And even when we stray from the path, He still loves us 02:30 and He's wooing us. 02:32 And He wants us to come back to Him 02:35 so that we may have the kind of life He wants us to have. 02:39 That's really excellent, and I think in the text there are 02:42 certain components that we can glean from this text. 02:46 And there are several areas that we're going to touch on today 02:50 that will illuminate this text, and God's way of doing marriage. 02:55 Well, if we're going to do it God's way, and we're 02:57 talking about marriage, in that context, 02:59 there are four things that we want to do. 03:01 There are four things that we want to consider. 03:02 One, covenant. Because marriage is a covenant. 03:06 Two, the whole notion of grace. And grace in marriage. 03:10 Empowering. 03:12 How we empower one another in the relationship of marriage. 03:15 And certainly, intimacy. 03:17 So four things we're going to be talking about 03:19 in this segment today. 03:22 How we relate to God's notion of covenant, grace, 03:28 empowerment, and intimacy. 03:31 Let's begin with a text on covenant. 03:34 Genesis 6:18 says: 03:47 So here we see that God is saying to whom? 03:50 To Noah. 03:51 "I will establish a covenant with you. " 03:54 You notice that this covenant, God is the one who 03:58 initiates the covenant. 03:59 He's the one who goes looking after Noah. 04:01 Yes indeed, Noah was a righteous man. 04:03 But he was righteous because of his relationship with God. 04:06 And then God goes looking after Noah and has a special 04:10 work for Noah to do. 04:12 When we look at "covenant" in the Bible, we see that 04:15 "covenant" comes from a Hebrew word called "berith" which means 04:20 agreement an arrangement. 04:24 There are other words in scripture for covenant. 04:28 In the Greek, the word "diatheke". 04:30 It means the last will and testament, 04:33 a decree or an agreement. 04:35 The word covenant is used in scripture to describe marriage. 04:41 So marriage is not only a relationship between a 04:44 man and a woman. 04:45 Marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. 04:50 What is this covenant all about? 04:52 It's about promise. 04:54 It's about the fact that I have decided to love you 04:58 in sickness and in health. 05:00 I have decided to love you whether you are a 05:03 good cook or not. 05:04 I have decided to love you whether you smile at me 05:07 every day or not. 05:09 So covenant has nothing to do with the other individual. 05:11 It has everything to do with the promise I made to God about you. 05:18 A promise I made to you. A promise I made to God. 05:21 And so if we're going to keep our covenant, 05:24 I need to keep my promise to my spouse, 05:26 regardless of what happens, and to God. 05:29 When I say, "regardless of what happens", 05:31 this is what I'm talking about. 05:32 I'm talking about that God expects us to be committed 05:36 to each other. 05:37 If we're going to do marriage God's way, it means that 05:40 we're committed in the enterprise of marriage. 05:43 Of course, that assumes that you're in covenant with me 05:47 as well and that you're not beating me up. 05:51 It also assumes that you're not having affairs. 05:55 Because you're covenant is with me and 05:57 your covenant is to love me until death do us part. 06:00 So those are the things that we want to be careful of 06:02 and be mindful of. 06:03 That while a covenant is not just something based on what 06:09 the other person is doing, that both parties have 06:12 responsibilities in the covenant. 06:15 So then, covenant is about loving and being loved. 06:18 It's an unconditional commitment. 06:20 It's a promise that I make to you. 06:22 When we get married, we have a covenant, not a contract 06:27 as is defined in secular terms, but in the spiritual realm 06:31 we're talking about a covenant between three. 06:34 A covenant between you, me, and God. 06:37 That's right. 06:38 There's something else about covenant that we need to 06:41 explore and pay attention to. 06:43 And that is the fact that a covenant can be unilateral, 06:46 a one-way situation. 06:49 Or a covenant can be bilateral, a two-way street. 06:52 What is a unilateral covenant? 06:54 Well, a unilateral covenant is an immature covenant. 06:57 It's an incomplete covenant. 06:59 A unilateral covenant says, I love you. 07:03 A bilateral covenant says, I love you and you love me. 07:10 You know I think of, when I think of a unilateral covenant, 07:13 I think of when our daughter Jessica was born. 07:15 That was years ago now. 07:17 I still remember being in the hospital. 07:21 Of course, we had gone through Lamaze and done all of these 07:24 wonderful breathing exercises to learn how to have this baby 07:28 come out with the least effort and to do it naturally. 07:34 And well, it didn't quite go as we planned. 07:38 You remember that. 07:39 I remember. 07:41 We were there doing breathing exercises in the birthing room 07:44 when all of a sudden you started having dysfunctional labor. 07:48 And before we knew it, doctors were in the hospital and 07:52 you were being taken to the operating room. 07:54 But all the work that I did to see this baby come to life, 08:00 I was not there. 08:02 I sat in the birthing room and then a nurse went by and 08:04 she said, "Oh Mr. Oliver, you just had, I think a baby girl. " 08:09 And I thought to myself, "There's a messenger 08:12 without a message, not sure whether I had a girl or a boy. " 08:15 But then it happened. 08:17 It was a wonderful moment. 08:18 The nurse wheeled Jessica into the room, in the warmer, 08:22 and it was love at first sight. 08:24 I looked at her through the glass and 08:26 I knew I loved this child. 08:29 It was love at first sight. 08:30 This was my daughter and she deserved 08:34 unconditional love from her dad. 08:36 I was going to do whatever I I could do that any 08:40 daughter deserves, and that is to be loved and to be cherished. 08:44 But it was a one-way commitment. 08:46 She didn't know who I was. 08:48 She was on the other side of the glass, 08:49 she didn't have much awareness of me. 08:52 Somebody might dispute that and say, well she knew who you were. 08:54 Well, she wasn't talking or saying anything. 08:56 But as she grew and as we related more to each other, 09:00 the covenant became a bilateral covenant. 09:04 Not only was I loving Jessica, but she was loving me. 09:07 So when we look at marriage, we need to recognize 09:10 that we're talking about a mature covenant. 09:14 A commitment that a husband has to his wife 09:16 and the wife has to her husband. 09:19 It's a two-way street. 09:21 That's what God wants in marriage. 09:23 Well, another component of the text that you mentioned 09:26 is grace, and grace is an essential component 09:29 in doing marriage God's way. 09:31 The book of Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us: 09:50 So grace is an essential component in our marriages, 09:54 in our family life, in our parenting. 09:57 And it's really essential that we learn the whole notion of 10:00 grace, what it means. 10:01 The whole concept of forgiving and being forgiven. 10:04 And this is the way God designed it so that so that we can live 10:08 in an atmosphere of grace. 10:10 Our relationships will thrive a whole lot better 10:12 where grace is present. 10:14 Our children will feel a lot more nurtured 10:17 if grace is present. 10:19 And we will see that our family relationships will go a lot 10:22 smoother when grace is present in the home. 10:26 The opposite side of that is when our family relations 10:28 are based on law. 10:30 When family relations are based on law, perfection is demanded. 10:36 And it's important that we make clear here that we're not saying 10:40 that there be no law. 10:41 But we're saying that it be an atmosphere of grace. 10:44 What is an atmosphere of grace? 10:45 An atmosphere of forgiveness. 10:47 An atmosphere of understanding that we have 10:50 fragile human beings in this relationship 10:52 who are imperfect and they're probably going to make mistakes. 10:55 And if we accept the fact that they'll probably make mistakes, 10:59 it is easier to come to grips with the fact that we 11:02 are going to forgive each other in this relationship. 11:05 We're going to grow together and we're going to give each other 11:08 support and the benefit of the doubt. 11:11 I love the fact that we usually use the definition 11:14 of grace being unmerited favor. 11:17 It is something that we don't deserve. 11:19 And so often in our lives, we think we deserve 11:23 to be treated a certain way. 11:25 And quite frankly, we don't deserve anything. 11:29 But God gives us grace every day in our lives. 11:32 And so when we create an environment where grace is 11:35 present, our children, our spouses will feel so much more 11:40 nurtured, so much more affirmed. 11:42 If we have grace in our home, and also we want to be sure 11:47 that we are not demanding this grace. 11:51 Right? Because it is unmerited favor. 11:54 It's not something that we deserve. 11:56 That's correct, and there's something else 11:58 that goes along with this grace 11:59 and that is when you have grace in the family 12:02 it doesn't mean that there are no rules. 12:07 It doesn't mean that there are no laws. 12:09 It doesn't mean that there are no boundaries. 12:11 To be sure, there are boundaries. 12:13 Because in every love relationship, 12:16 there is responsibility. 12:17 I love you, you love me. 12:20 There are boundaries. 12:21 You know, not anything goes. 12:23 But we do it out of love for each other. 12:26 We don't do it because it's demanded of each other, 12:29 we do it out of love for each other. 12:31 It's the same thing with God. 12:32 With God, we're saved, not because we do stuff. 12:37 We don't keep the law to be saved, 12:39 we keep the law because we are already saved, 12:42 because we have a relationship with God. 12:44 So to in marriage. 12:45 We do things for one another because of the relationship 12:49 that already has been established. 12:51 So as we live from day to day, and we think about doing 12:54 marriage God's way, we want to keep in mind, 12:57 to have a covenant relationship we want to keep in mind 13:00 to have grace in our relationship. 13:03 Because that grace which is unmerited will give us 13:06 the desire to do for each other what otherwise would not happen. 13:11 We're going to continue to talk about this some more. 13:13 But we're going to take a break right now and 13:15 we're going to be coming back shortly to talk some more about 13:19 how we can do marriage God's way. 13:21 Stick around, we'll be right back. 13:32 There are many "How To" books available 13:34 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:37 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:40 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:44 easy to ready manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:46 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:49 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:07 Welcome back. 14:08 We've been talking about doing marriage God's way. 14:11 And we've shared with you some essential ingredients 14:15 to doing marriage God's way and to having a wonderful marriage. 14:20 And some of those components that we've covered thus far 14:23 are covenant, which is a promise of bilateral, 14:27 hopefully mature, covenant that we have in our relationships. 14:30 Also grace, and we spoke about the fact that grace 14:35 needs to be present in every relationship so that 14:38 our relationships are in an environment where 14:42 all of us can thrive. 14:44 Husband and wife, children, whoever's in that relationship, 14:48 can thrive in their relationship. 14:50 Another ingredient that we'd like to talk about 14:52 is empowerment. 14:54 And the Bible also has some wonderful 14:56 counsel on empowerment. 14:58 John 1:12 says: 15:12 Yeah, you know, I think in the King James version it says 15:15 He gave the power to become sons and daughters of God, 15:18 or the children of God. 15:19 God wants to empower us in all of our relationships. 15:23 And certainly He wants to do some empowerment 15:26 in marriage as well. 15:27 And He wants us to empower one another. 15:30 Because when we are in a covenant and when we have grace 15:33 and when we empower one another, we have the makings of an 15:38 excellent relationship. 15:39 Why? Because I want to be in a relationship where 15:41 someone cares about me. 15:42 I want to be in a relationship where that person is 15:44 affirming me, where that person is showing faith in me 15:49 that I'm able to accomplish things 15:51 And empowerment works like this. 15:53 Empowerment is about; to serve and to be served. 15:57 It's a two-way street. 15:59 And we said that covenant was bilateral. 16:01 A mature covenant was a bilateral commitment. 16:04 So when we're in marriage and I'm here to serve you 16:08 and you're here to serve me, we're in a situation 16:11 where it's good for both of us. 16:14 We want to be here because it goes both ways. 16:18 So empowerment, then, is a very intentional process 16:21 of building one another up. 16:23 Building each other's self-esteem, if you will. 16:26 Building in each other a desire to serve one another. 16:30 So when we empower one another, we give the other person 16:34 the right, as God said in the Bible, in the word of God where 16:39 it said in John that we have the right to be called 16:42 children of God. 16:43 And I love that. 16:44 It's so empowering just to read that text. 16:47 What's different in the Bible when we're talking about 16:50 empowerment to the secular notion of empowerment 16:54 that we hear thrown around in industry 16:58 is that, usually in the business world when we're talking about 17:02 empowering individuals, we're really talking about 17:05 empowering someone so that we can look good. 17:08 It's talking about empowering your co-workers, people who 17:12 work under you, so that they can make you look good. 17:16 But that's not exactly what scripture is talking about. 17:19 And that's not the empowerment that the Bible is talking about. 17:22 The Bible is talking about power as a tool that we use to 17:27 lift somebody up, the other person up. 17:30 Almost like the wind beneath someone else's wings. 17:32 Absolutely, and in marriage, we ought to be about 17:35 empowering each other. 17:37 For example, if your spouse has gone to school 17:40 and wants to go back to school because he or she wants 17:43 to get additional skills, to do more with his life for the Lord 17:47 for example, wants to go back to school. 17:49 Perhaps finish college or get a masters degree. 17:52 The thing to do for the other spouse is not to say, 17:56 "Oh, we don't have the time for that or we certainly don't 17:58 don't have the money, and we certainly can't just 18:00 get this family into more debt. " 18:03 But empower your spouse by encouraging that person to do 18:07 whatever he or she wants to do to better himself 18:11 or better herself. 18:12 That's what we're talking about. 18:13 So a lot of it has to do with encouragement as well. 18:16 Encouraging one another, supporting one another. 18:19 So while we may not have the finances for someone to pursue 18:23 their goals, we can talk about how, perhaps, we can figure 18:29 out a way to make it happen as opposed to putting 18:32 your mate down and saying, "Well don't you know 18:34 we just don't have the money to that right now. " 18:36 We can say, "You know, that's a wonderful idea, you want to go 18:39 back to school, or you want to pursue a new business. 18:42 Let's figure out a way in which we can work as 18:44 a team to make this happen. " 18:45 Empowering is also about finding the skills or the gifts 18:50 in your mate that he or she has not found in himself or herself. 18:54 Empowerment means, "Hey, you do that well. 18:58 Why don't you do it some more?" 19:00 Many times, there are hidden talents in spouses. 19:04 One of them could be public speakers, for example, where 19:07 someone is deathly afraid to get up in public and speak. 19:10 And yet, God may have given certain talents. 19:12 And that person gets an opportunity to speak 19:14 and they did well. 19:16 And they might be nervous and didn't think they did well. 19:19 Here's an opportunity to say to your spouse, 19:21 "You did wonderfully well, you should do that some more. " 19:25 You know, "You do that excellent. " 19:27 It may be something else like cooking a good meal 19:30 or fixing something, you know. 19:36 Fixing the washing machine, for example. 19:39 I'm not very good at doing stuff like that. 19:41 You know, I think you could tell me all you want to tell me about 19:44 fixing machines and I'm not going to do very well. 19:46 But whatever your spouse does well, empower them, affirm them. 19:51 Tell them that they're doing well. 19:53 What it does, it creates an environment that's a nurturing 19:56 and building environment. 19:57 If we're going to do marriage well, we want to be in a place 20:01 where people appreciate us. 20:03 That's basically what it is. 20:04 I think this segment is worth stressing, because I think this 20:08 is one area where we really can degrade our spouse 20:14 or really put them down without knowing 20:17 that we're putting them down. 20:19 And it's just so essential that we pay attention to how 20:23 important it is to empower our mate. 20:26 If your spouse is thinking about pursuing goals, 20:31 about becoming better at something that they're doing, 20:35 rather than saying, "Oh, you know you're not good at that. 20:37 You know you've never been good at that. " 20:39 And you may not even mean to put them down. 20:42 You may even think that you're helping them. 20:44 But in essence what you're doing is you are deflating them. 20:47 So it's really important that we consider this 20:51 a very, very, very important ingredient 20:55 in doing marriage God's way. 20:56 Because this is what God does for us. 20:58 And the same goes for our children and I think 21:00 we should throw that in. 21:01 Because children will rise to the occasion if we show 21:05 that we believe in them. 21:06 Absolutely, you know it's also very interesting that 21:11 when we're talking about empowerment, we see it as 21:14 the opposite of invalidation. 21:16 We've spoken about invalidation. 21:20 Invalidation when your mate wants to do something, 21:23 or you take your mate for granted, or you put them down 21:26 in subtle ways, sometimes not so subtle ways, 21:29 it's the exact opposite of empowerment. 21:31 So what God wants is not invalidation, but empowerment. 21:35 He also wants us to do that with our children 21:38 as you just mentioned. 21:39 But to create that with our children, 21:42 we need to create an environment between us as husband and wife. 21:45 When we have developed that atmosphere of empowerment 21:51 it's easier to empower your children as well. 21:53 Absolutely, another ingredient that we're speaking about 21:56 in this way of doing marriage God's way, is intimacy. 22:01 And we speak a lot about intimacy and we've certainly 22:04 broadened the definition. 22:06 That it's not just about physical oneness, 22:08 but intimacy is about emotional oneness, 22:11 it's about spiritual oneness. 22:13 So intimacy, if you will, is about closeness, 22:17 it's about oneness. 22:18 So let's see what the word of God has to say about intimacy. 22:21 In 1 John 4:18. 22:37 So what God's word is saying again is that where there's love 22:39 there is no fear. 22:41 Invariably, people are afraid to love. 22:43 In fact, when I was at seminary, I read a book 22:46 by John Powell saying, "Why Am I Afraid To Love?" 22:50 That was one of his titles, and he had several titles. 22:53 But that was a great title, "Why Am I Afraid To Love?" 22:56 And as I read the book, I found out that individuals are afraid 23:00 to get into relationships because they're afraid 23:02 of being hurt. 23:03 They're afraid of being hurt because of what has happened 23:05 to them in the past. 23:06 Perhaps in their families of origin where they trusted 23:10 a parent or they trusted a sibling, 23:12 or something bad happened to them. 23:15 They felt invalidated, they were not empowered, 23:19 they were not built up. 23:21 And so, it's important that we get to the place 23:25 where there is intimacy, where there is love, 23:27 where there is closeness so people feel 23:31 that they can love freely. 23:33 The Bible is clear that perfect love casts out fear. 23:38 There's no need to be afraid because when you are loved 23:42 it's going to be just fine. 23:44 There's another wonderful text that we wanted to share 23:47 and that comes from Genesis 2:25. 23:56 And so we see that from very early on, God gave us 23:59 human beings the capacity to be intimate. 24:02 From when He created Adam and Eve and put them 24:04 in the garden of Eden, created this very idyllic setting, 24:08 He gave them the ability to be close, to be intimate. 24:12 And then we know what happened. 24:13 The first thing that happened after they sinned 24:16 was that they covered themselves. 24:18 And so there was a barrier to that intimacy. 24:22 There was a barrier to that intimacy between them 24:25 and between them and God. 24:28 Yes, I like the whole notion of the context of the text. 24:31 The man and his wife were both naked and they had no shame. 24:35 Adam and Eve both had the ability to be themselves 24:38 and to not be self-conscious. 24:40 You know, to be just who God made them to be 24:43 and to feel good about themselves. 24:45 That happened and remained until sin entered into the picture. 24:50 The moment sin enters the picture, what happens? 24:53 They begin to hide, they begin to be ashamed, 24:56 they begin to cover up. 24:58 So when we talk about intimacy, we're talking about a closeness 25:01 that God wants us to have in our marital relationships 25:04 so that there can be a feeling of freedom in the relationship. 25:10 Doing marriage God's way then means that we create an 25:14 atmosphere of joy, of freedom, of safety because perfect love 25:20 casts out fear. 25:22 So then we're talking about also creating an environment 25:25 of trust, where trust can flourish, 25:29 where commitment can flourish. 25:30 If there is not going to be fear then there has to be 25:33 a certain level of trust in the relationship, 25:36 and a certain commitment, covenant, if you will. 25:39 So we see how all these ingredients sort of intertwine 25:44 themselves into each other 25:46 because they build on each other; 25:48 covenant, grace, empowerment, intimacy. 25:51 Yes these four, and they're wonderful. 25:53 And what I like to see as a culminating piece of intimacy 25:58 is the whole notion of unconditional love. 26:02 You're in this place, you're in this love, 26:05 you're in this marriage. 26:06 and I know it's going to be ok because 26:09 I'm loved unconditionally. 26:11 When I know that I'm loved unconditionally, 26:14 even as a flawed human being, I know I'm going to make mistakes, 26:18 but the fact that I'm going to make mistakes is not that 26:20 big of a deal when I know that I'm loved unconditionally. 26:25 And when I say "making mistakes", I'm not talking about 26:27 doing things against my mate. 26:29 I'm saying, you know, forgetting to stop by the store 26:32 and bring home rice that you asked me to buy, 26:35 or sugar that you asked me to buy, 26:37 or fruits that you asked me to buy. 26:38 Something like that. 26:40 Or I missed an appointment. 26:43 My life got so busy and I missed an appointment. 26:45 I know I'm not going to be raked over the coals 26:48 because I'm loved, I'm special, and you love me unconditional. 26:52 There's caring, there's nurture, there's love. 26:55 Here's what Ellen White has to say in the Adventist Home. 27:07 I love that piece that Ellen White has written. 27:11 "One well ordered family tells more on behalf of Christianity 27:15 than all the sermons that can be preached. " 27:19 The promise of success is, "I can do all things through Christ 27:24 who gives me strength. " 27:26 So I don't have anything to worry about 27:27 but to trust in God. 27:29 As we try to do family God's way, 27:31 as we try to do marriage God's way, 27:33 we can count on the power of God to help us stay close together, 27:37 love each other, and bring honor and glory to God. |
Revised 2014-12-17