Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000062
|
00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:34 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:39 and a Marriage and Family Consultant 00:41 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted you can join us today. 00:46 Communication is the life blood of every healthy relationship. 00:53 Today, we're going to be talking about communication in marriage. 00:56 We're calling this segment "Communication 411". 00:59 What's the 411, what's the information on communication? 01:03 And as we go through this segment, we will talk about 01:06 important dynamics that take place in marriage 01:09 and how we can capitalize on them, how we can grow 01:14 and become better spouses and create an environment of support 01:19 of happiness, of joy because we want to give honor 01:24 and glory to God. 01:27 Well, communication certainly is the life blood because if we 01:29 don't communicate with each other, then we can't convey 01:32 to one another that we appreciate each other, 01:35 that there's something not going well in the relationship. 01:37 So it's really important that we learn how to communicate well. 01:42 But unfortunately, in so many relationships 01:45 we don't communicate well. 01:46 And one of the things that we often do in our relationships 01:50 is that we use words that are destructive to the relationship. 01:54 And we need to always remember that our words can either 01:58 uplift the relationship or the other person, 02:01 or it can degrade the relationship. 02:03 And so, let's take a look at what the word of God has to say 02:07 in Psalm 19:14. 02:18 It is amazing that scripture is chock-full of information 02:23 and directives and principles about how God wants us to live. 02:28 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart... " 02:33 What the psalmist here is saying and what it conveys to us as 02:38 the people of God, those of us who want to be one with God, 02:41 who want to be one with our mate, 02:43 that the words that we speak, but it goes beyond what we speak 02:48 what we say, the meditations of my heart. 02:51 In other words, what I'm thinking about. 02:53 If I think good thoughts, then I'll say good words. 02:57 And so, we have to begin with the thought life. 03:01 What am I thinking about my mate? 03:03 What am I thinking about my world? 03:05 What am I thinking about my family? 03:07 And if I'm thinking something that can give 03:10 honor and glory to God, then perhaps I can allow that 03:14 to come out of my system, to come out of my mind 03:18 and into the space so I can bless someone else. 03:21 "Let the words of my mouth... " 03:24 So good communication is very important in a relationship. 03:29 Especially relationships that are going to be strong, 03:33 that are going to be healthy. 03:34 It's important that we learn to communicate well. 03:36 We can say then, that communication might be like 03:39 the oil in a machine. 03:40 It keeps everything running smoothly. 03:42 One of the things that I often, unfortunately, don't pay 03:46 close attention to is the oil in my car. 03:50 But I know very quickly when the oil needs to be changed 03:54 because the car certainly will tell me 03:56 that it needs to be changed. 03:57 And usually it needs to be changed 03:59 long before the car tells you. 04:00 If you don't wait until the car starts telling you 04:03 then you're engine is going to last longer. 04:07 I usually like to say to people, every 3000 miles or 04:11 every 5000 miles depending on the car you're driving. 04:14 And that's not something that's going to come to you 04:17 just because it's happenstance. 04:20 That's something you're going to have to plan on. 04:22 It means you need to be intentional. 04:23 It means you need to pay attention to when your car 04:26 got an oil change so that you are watching carefully 04:30 when it's going to change again. 04:32 That's a great metaphor then. 04:33 Because what you're saying is that we shouldn't wait 04:36 until things go bad to try to communicate. 04:39 We should be communicating every day. 04:41 Now sometimes communication is a little difficult 04:44 and so we need to learn how to communicate well 04:48 and there are many ways in which we can do this. 04:50 Another way that we can describe communication 04:54 is like blood circulation. 04:56 If you're sitting with your legs under you for too long 05:01 your limbs might go to sleep. 05:04 And then you don't feel them too well and it's hard to get up 05:07 and walk because there's just not enough blood 05:11 in your legs, in your limbs. 05:12 And because there's not enough blood in your limbs, 05:15 they tingle, they feel weak. 05:18 And so, communication is like that. 05:22 If the blood isn't circulating then your 05:24 organs don't work well. 05:26 So that's another great metaphor for our own relationships then. 05:29 If we don't communicate well, then we 05:32 cut off our relationship. 05:34 We cut off the smooth functioning of our relationship. 05:39 The life blood of our relationship. 05:42 And we know if a living organism is going to do well, 05:46 it has to have the flowing of blood to each organ. 05:51 Or if we don't do so, here's what happens. 05:54 I spoke just a little while ago about 05:56 cutting off the circulation. 05:59 But if we allow that circulation to be cut off for too long, 06:02 guess what happens. 06:04 Those organs no longer work. 06:07 They atrophy, they rot. 06:10 They quit working because there hasn't been enough 06:13 blood supplied to them. 06:15 So good communication is like that. 06:16 Unless you are communicating well and doing so in a way that 06:21 is nurturing and giving life, as it were, to the organism, 06:25 pretty soon that relationship shrivels up and dies. 06:30 Thus in marriage then, we need to be consistently and 06:35 intentionally talking about the areas of our relationship 06:38 such as parenting, spirituality, maybe our finances we need to 06:44 discuss regularly. 06:45 Any area of our relationship. 06:47 Our in-laws, how do we handle that? 06:50 Where are we going to take vacation? 06:52 So if we're consistently talking about the major issues 06:55 of our relationship, or if we don't talk about them 06:59 then our relationship will deteriorate. 07:02 Yes, indeed. 07:03 All of these issues are so parallel 07:07 to the metaphor of the body that we've been talking about. 07:10 That the body is interconnected, and certainly what's flowing is 07:15 that blood to give life. 07:17 When you quit talking about a particular issue 07:20 because something happened in the relationship, 07:23 we had differences. 07:25 It goes back to what we spoke about in Genesis 2. 07:28 Back when Adam and Eve were in the garden and 07:32 all of a sudden things started going the opposite way. 07:36 They hid, they covered themselves. 07:39 Why did they cover themselves? 07:40 Because they were different. 07:42 We do that in relationships and we do that in communication. 07:46 When we have different thoughts about particular things 07:49 then we keep our feelings to ourselves. 07:51 And when we do so, we no longer communicate on that issue. 07:54 And as we go along the different topics of our lives together, 07:59 the less we talk about them, the less life our relationship has. 08:03 It's important for us to understand that the better our 08:08 communication, the greater our intimacy with one another. 08:12 And we've spoken about creating oneness in our relationship 08:16 and experiencing true oneness. 08:18 And communication is one of those vehicles that help us 08:23 on this road to intimacy, the road to oneness. 08:26 So we need to learn how to communicate, but as you said, 08:29 so often it becomes difficult, for whatever reason it is, 08:36 it becomes difficult for us to communicate. 08:38 And we may feel bashful or we may feel fear of rejection. 08:46 And so we don't share and we don't communicate 08:48 because we're afraid of how it might be perceived 08:51 by the other person. 08:52 What happens when we have good oil in our system, 08:57 in the car, is that the engine doesn't knock 09:02 and there are no squeaks 09:03 because all the parts of the organism are working well. 09:09 When you don't have that, you do have the knocks, 09:12 you do have the squeaks. 09:14 You don't have the car, if you will, driving well. 09:19 You could break down at any moment, and you can break down 09:24 in inadvertent places. 09:26 The same thing happens in marriage when the levels of 09:30 communication are not good. 09:32 When they're not good, there are not good feelings 09:35 between the spouses. 09:36 When they're not good, there's miscommunication, 09:39 the children suffer. 09:40 Somebody doesn't get picked up at school on time. 09:42 Somebody makes it to church late. 09:44 Somebody doesn't do what they're suppose to do. 09:47 So what do we do with this communication so that 09:50 we can do it the way God wants us to do it? 09:54 Well, there's specific skills that we can learn on how to 09:57 communicate well in marriage. 09:58 And one of the things we have to learn how to do 10:01 is how to give our partner our undivided attention. 10:04 Turn off the TV, put away whatever it is, the computer. 10:08 Whatever it is that we're working on. 10:10 And we've got to give our partner our undivided attention 10:13 because when we give someone our undivided attention, 10:16 it invites them to share with us. 10:19 If you're trying to speak with me and I'm doing 10:22 five other things, then I am giving you the impression that 10:26 I'm really not interested in what you're saying. 10:28 And that certainly is one of the ways in which we 10:32 restrict communication. 10:35 That usually tends to happen in marriage. 10:38 We've said earlier on that none of us are perfect. 10:40 And because we're not perfect, we're bound to do something that 10:44 hurts the other person, that the other person misinterprets 10:47 or that we said inadvertently not knowing that it was hurtful. 10:51 So the longer we stay in a relationship, 10:53 the more opportunities we have to do it wrong. 10:56 But it also gives us more opportunity to get it right. 11:00 And so, I think that one of the important things about marriage 11:05 is that couples, husbands and wives, need to be intentional 11:09 about finding out what is it that their 11:13 spouse responds to well. 11:15 What language, what metaphors, what tone of voice? 11:20 We come from different families of origin where the level of 11:24 sound is different. 11:26 In some families, they speak with loud voices. 11:29 In other families, they speak in hushed tones. 11:31 If we have two individuals married to each other 11:33 and one of them came from the family where it was very loud 11:36 and it was ok, but now they come together, 11:38 all of a sudden the person who comes from the family 11:40 where loudness was not a good thing, 11:43 that person is taken aback. 11:45 So, husbands and wives need to get to the place where they 11:49 begin to understand each other better, communicate 11:53 their customs from their families of origin 11:56 so that they can create their new reality, their new family 11:59 and agree on the rules of engagement. 12:03 That way, the communication is what it needs to be. 12:06 Absolutely, and as you talk about affirming one another 12:10 and being kind to one another, we really need to learn how to 12:13 praise one another, to bring out the best in the other person, 12:16 to talk about what is it that I appreciate about you. 12:19 So all of this is laying a foundation 12:22 for good communication. 12:23 When I say to you that I appreciate you, 12:27 that I really think that there are great things about you, 12:30 then it opens the road for us to have 12:33 clear and open communication. 12:35 So we're back to that text that we started with in this segment. 12:38 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart 12:43 be acceptable in thy sight 12:45 oh Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. " 12:48 I want to honor God. 12:50 I want to honor my mate, I want to honor my family. 12:52 So the language I use, the tone I use, the attitude I have 12:57 needs to be one that will affirm, will elevate, 13:00 will support, will give praise, and bring comfort 13:04 to the loved ones in my home. 13:06 It is wonderful to understand that God has all of these 13:08 principles in scripture. 13:10 And if we pay careful attention to them, we can 13:14 operationalize them in our own marriages 13:17 and bring the joy and the happiness and the peace 13:21 that God wants to see in each of our homes. 13:24 Well, we're going to take a break right now 13:26 but we're coming right back so stick around 13:27 and join us again right after the break. 13:37 There are many "How To" books available 13:40 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:43 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:45 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:49 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:52 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:55 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:11 Welcome back to our topic on communication. 14:14 We've titled this "Communication 411". 14:17 And what we're trying to share with you is how we can 14:21 increase intimacy in our relationship by 14:24 strengthening our communication skills. 14:26 So before the break, we started talking about certain skills 14:29 that we can use in healthy communication, 14:33 strengthening our communication, if you will. 14:35 One of the things that we said was that we needed to 14:38 give our spouse our undivided attention. 14:41 That it's really important that as we begin to communicate, 14:46 if there's something that we need to say, 14:47 that we put aside anything 14:52 that might block, that might be a barrier to good communication. 14:55 So for instance, if my spouse is speaking to me and says, 14:58 "You know, I'd like to talk with you about this topic. " 15:00 And it may not even be anything really heavy, but anything; 15:03 "I want to talk to you about my day. " 15:05 It would be good if I gave my undivided attention. 15:10 So for instance, if I'm watching TV, or sewing, or cooking, 15:15 or whatever else it is, I need to be able to say 15:18 either this is not a good time and perhaps if you could 15:21 wait 15 or 20 minutes, or just put it aside and say, 15:25 "You know what, I want to give you my undivided attention. " 15:30 You know, it reminds me of earlier in our marriage 15:34 when we would speak to each other from 15:36 different rooms in the house. 15:38 And it was never a good thing. 15:40 You would be in a different room, perhaps in the bathroom, 15:44 I'd be in the bedroom and we'd be talking to each other. 15:47 And my recollection of that is that most times, we didn't 15:52 quite get what the other person was saying. 15:54 And we ended up on different pages. 15:57 Definitely with mixed signals, right? 16:00 Absolutely, and so we got to the place where we agreed 16:03 in our relationship, in our marital relationship that 16:05 we would not speak to each other from 16:07 different rooms in the house. 16:08 Something as simple as that can actually change the dynamic of 16:11 your communication. 16:13 Agree that when you speak you're going to be in the same room, 16:17 you're going to look at each other, 16:19 and pay attention so that you're taking in all of 16:23 the nuances that are taking place 16:25 as your spouse tries to convey. 16:27 It also reminds me of when our kids were small 16:30 and you would be having a conversation 16:32 with our son Julian. 16:33 And you would be cooking or doing something else. 16:36 And he usually would come right up to your face 16:38 and grab your face and say, 16:39 "Mommy, mommy. Right here, right here. " 16:42 And basically, what he wanted you to do 16:43 was to look directly in his eyes so that you could understand. 16:46 Because I think that there were times when Julian wanted 16:48 something to happen and it wasn't happening 16:50 because you were thinking something else, 16:52 because you were not really paying attention. 16:55 And so it's important that if we're going to communicate 16:57 and do so effectively, that we begin with understanding 17:01 what the other person is really saying, 17:03 where they're coming from. 17:04 If we don't understand, we're going to make 17:06 the wrong decision. 17:08 We must begin from a point of understanding. 17:12 Something else that we need to do is focus on the 17:14 good qualities of the other person. 17:17 To affirm the other person, to praise them 17:19 when they're doing something well. 17:21 That's another way in which we can enhance communication. 17:24 It opens the road for clear communication. 17:29 When you say, "praise the other person," 17:31 what are you thinking about? 17:33 Can you paint me a visual? 17:35 Sure, if you do something good, then I can say, 17:39 "You know sweetheart, I really appreciated the fact 17:41 that you swept the kitchen today. " 17:43 "I really appreciated the fact that you did the dishes. " 17:48 Now someone might be saying, 17:49 "Well, I mean, it's both of our kitchens. 17:52 So, I mean, why do I have to thank you 17:54 for doing the kitchen?" 17:55 Because it's the right thing to do. 17:57 It's a civilized thing to do. 17:59 If I thank you then it builds endorphins, right? 18:04 And then you feel good about you, you feel good about me, 18:08 and you feel good about our relationship so that 18:11 it's much easier for us to communicate. 18:14 Because remember, we spoke about the fact 18:16 that communication sometimes is impeded 18:19 by our fear of rejection. 18:21 If we feel that there is something that the other person 18:24 is thinking that perhaps is different than the way we think, 18:27 that we might be reluctant to share it. 18:30 But if I feel good about you, if I feel good about our 18:33 relationship, it's a lot easier for us to communicate. 18:36 I also think that if you affirm me on something like 18:39 washing dishes when, well it's my kitchen as well, 18:42 it's our home and I probably ate from those dishes as well. 18:46 Well, if you say something nice to me about those dishes, 18:49 my chances of washing those dishes again are pretty high 18:53 as opposed to if you said nothing, you ignore me 18:55 you acted like, "Well, you're suppose to do that anyway. " 18:58 Well, what we're trying to do in marriage 19:00 is to create good feelings. 19:02 Do not miss any opportunity from creating good feelings. 19:07 The more good feelings we create, the better the 19:09 environment of our home. 19:10 The more good feelings we create, the more we can 19:13 build each other up. 19:14 The more good feelings we create, the happier 19:17 those who live in the home are and the easier it is 19:20 to give honor and glory to God. 19:22 Because after all, that's what marriage is for, 19:25 to give honor and glory to God. 19:27 Absolutely, so in continuing when talking about our 19:30 good communication skills, one of the things that we 19:33 have to learn how to, that we have to learn to do 19:36 is to be assertive, not aggressive but assertive. 19:40 To tell your mate what it is you're thinking, 19:43 what you're feeling. 19:44 If I can say to you, "I feel great when you decide that 19:49 you want to spend the Sunday afternoon with me and 19:52 give up your football game. " 19:54 You know, I'm being assertive in sharing my praise. 19:59 But then, it's a lot easier when I have to say, 20:02 you know, I really feel hurt when you do "x, y, z". 20:08 And so, I need to learn how to share my feelings 20:13 and how to be assertive about my thoughts, 20:15 my emotions, my feelings. 20:16 In other words, what I'm hearing you say Elaine, is that 20:19 We shouldn't ever get to the place where we have our spouse 20:23 guessing about where we're coming from, how we're feeling, 20:26 how this is affecting me. 20:28 But we need to be clear and assertive by sharing clearly 20:32 and unabashedly what it is that we're feeling and thinking. 20:37 Right? So that we're not saying, well you know, we've been 20:41 married for five years, for ten years. 20:42 You should know what I'm thinking. 20:43 You should know what I need. 20:44 You should know what I want. 20:45 Lots of couples do that to their detriment. 20:48 Because, I've spoken to couples who've been married for 50 years 20:52 and they still can't read each others thoughts. 20:56 So don't expect your spouse to read your thoughts. 21:00 Because we're just not magicians. 21:03 Well that's very true. 21:04 Your spouse will never be able to read your mind. 21:07 And that's actually a good thing 21:09 because that would be rather scary, I would think, 21:13 if you were able to read my mind. 21:15 Another thing that we want to do in the whole 21:17 transaction of communicating is avoid criticism. 21:20 Criticism is such a "downer". 21:23 Someone is trying to do something and most times 21:26 we're trying to do it out of the goodness of our heart. 21:28 We need to avoid criticizing our mate. 21:31 Any person can criticize and put down what 21:34 someone else is doing. 21:35 It takes a wise person to praise, to build up. 21:39 And since it's our marriage, I want to build it up. 21:41 Because I'm in it, I'm a part of the building. 21:44 I'm a part of what's going to be sustained 21:46 because of what we put into it. 21:49 Yea, and if we have to criticize, and I'm 21:50 reluctant to use that word, but if we use it constructively. 21:55 So for instance, I can say to you, "You know, I really 21:59 appreciate the fact that you did the laundry. 22:01 I'm just wondering if next time you can remember to buy 22:04 detergent before we run out. " 22:07 You know, that way I'm balancing the criticism 22:10 with a praise statement. 22:12 So I'm letting you know how much I appreciate 22:14 that you've done the laundry, but I also want you to remember 22:18 that in order to do laundry we need detergent. 22:21 So, you're being assertive and you're trying to be positive. 22:25 So, say one good thing and then the other thing, 22:28 which is not a bad thing but it's a real thing. 22:30 If we have no detergent, we can't do the laundry. 22:33 So, "Thank you and next time could you get 22:36 some detergent as well?" 22:37 What about another point on this whole thing 22:41 of communicating well? 22:42 Communicating well, we need to listen to understand. 22:45 So it's really essential that when we are listening 22:49 to our mate, that we're seeking understanding. 22:52 I think it's Stephen Covey that says, 22:54 "Seek first to understand, then to be understood. " 22:58 "Seek first to understand, then to be understood. " 23:00 So when I'm listening to you, I am seeking 23:03 understanding from you. 23:05 I'm not trying to rebut, I'm not trying to defend myself. 23:09 I'm not trying to judge your statement. 23:11 I'm not trying to figure out what I'm going to say 23:14 when you're finished speaking. 23:15 I'm seriously listening to hear what you have to say. 23:20 And when I do that, I'm looking at your eyes. 23:23 And I'm trying to read your heart. 23:25 And I'm trying to decipher what it is you're trying to say to me 23:29 so that I can truly understand, not trying to get you to 23:33 understand me. 23:35 I think another point in effective communication is 23:38 to, let's see, well use "I" statements. 23:43 But more than that, to use active listening. 23:46 And active listening is like this. 23:49 When you say something, instead of saying, "You said so and so," 23:53 I would say, "I heard you say thus and so. " 23:57 The reason why that's so important is that 24:00 perhaps what I heard you say is not what you really said. 24:03 And if you said something and I said, "Well you said 24:06 so and so," it becomes antagonistic, confrontational. 24:11 "Well you said so and so. " 24:12 And you may say, "No that's not what I said. " 24:14 It's easier to say, "I heard you say so and so. " 24:18 And then you can say to me, "Well, that's not 24:20 exactly what I said. " 24:21 And I can say, "Well, can you tell me again?" 24:23 But if you say, "You said so and so," 24:26 all of a sudden, that's confrontational. 24:28 and people say, "Well, that's not what I said. " 24:29 And so, active listening is mirroring, summarizing what the 24:35 other person said so that you can be on the same page. 24:37 And it gives the person an opportunity to say, 24:39 "Yes, that's what I meant. " Or "Yes, that's what I said. " 24:42 Or "No, that's not exactly what I said. " 24:43 And you can right size and get your communication 24:46 back on track again. 24:49 I think a good example of that, that we've used in the past is, 24:52 someone calls home, let's say it's a man in this instance, 24:57 and calls home, the wife happens to get home first from work. 25:00 And he says, "So what's for dinner tonight?" 25:03 And he thinks, and she thinks... 25:07 And she immediately thinks, "Oh, well why do I have 25:11 to be the one to cook dinner?" 25:12 And he might be thinking, "Would you like to go out 25:16 to dinner tonight?" 25:17 Correct, and so if the person had mirrored 25:21 what the person said which is, "So you're saying 25:25 you want me to cook?" 25:28 Then the person will have an opportunity to say, 25:30 "No, that's not what I mean at all. 25:32 I mean, where would you like to go out to dinner tonight?" 25:35 You know, you have a favorite restaurant, perhaps at Manna. 25:38 Or someplace like that. 25:39 And it totally changes the dialogue. 25:42 It totally changes the communication and it frees it 25:45 of any animosity or resentment 25:47 when we practice good communication skills. 25:50 We also need to avoid blaming each other for anything. 25:52 Communication is not about blaming. 25:54 Communication is about trying to accurately understand 25:58 where the other person is coming from. 25:59 Because, we need to behave from a point of understanding 26:04 rather than one of no understanding. 26:08 Right. Well, this whole thing of communication is 26:11 pretty challenging and it's pretty difficult. 26:13 And if couples are having difficulty communicating, 26:16 there are a lot of wonderful books that are Christian books 26:19 that can teach us specific skills. 26:22 Of course, the Bible is very clear 26:25 about how to communicate well. 26:27 And there are lots of wonderful texts in the Bible that will 26:29 teach us and show us how to be good listeners, 26:32 how to speak so that people what to hear. 26:35 There are wonderful ways, different techniques that 26:39 we can use in communicating well. 26:41 Well, I liked to share with them that if 26:44 they're looking for a place to learn how to communicate well 26:46 to go to a marriage conference. 26:47 Go to our website at adventistfamilyministries. com 26:50 and learn where we're going to have 26:51 another marriage conference. 26:52 And you can come and learn how to communicate effectively. 26:56 In the Bible, in James 1:19 it says: 27:07 And the power of courtesy, Ellen White has something to say. 27:10 And what is it she says? 27:25 So this communication thing is very important. 27:28 When we do it well, we can honor God. 27:31 When we don't, it can be problematic. 27:33 The promise of success is, "We can do all things through Christ 27:37 who gives us strength. " 27:38 So let's stress God. Let's read His word. 27:41 Let's communicate well. 27:43 God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17